Is it true that love lasts 3 years. Moving to another level

Does love only last three years?

Love lives for three years: how to avoid it

If you believe the common phrase, then love lives only three years. Someone justifies their unsuccessful (sometimes failed over and over again) relationship by this, someone sincerely hopes that this is not so, waiting in fear for a three-year milestone, someone proves with his whole life that this is not so. So how many years does love live, and is it possible to extend this period?

If we consider the phenomenon of love and falling in love exclusively from the point of view of physiology, then the thesis of a three-year life span has its own truth. The basis of attraction and love are neurotransmitters and phenylethylamine, they act on a person for about three years. Nature is so laid down that this period should be enough to meet, like, get pregnant, endure, give birth and let a new person survive. During these three years, physiology has been working to keep dad close to mom. Therefore, in fairness, it is worth saying that he lives for three years. Because love is a feeling, which is based not only and not so much on physiology, but on conscious choice and desires of the individual.

Everything in our life is based on choice. It would be more correct to say, on a reasonable choice, however, many prefer to act not on the basis of reason, but on the basis of momentary emotions, other people's advice, patterns imposed by society, etc. But in any case, every decision is based on choice. AT this case the choice sounds like this: "I choose this person or not." It is your choice that will ultimately determine how long your love will live.

If every day, every hour you do not choose your partner, your relationship may exist for some time under the influence of passion, mutual sexual attraction, conditioned physiological processes but as soon as they stop, your love will also go away. If during this time you have not built anything, have not invested, then nothing will remain.

Relationships are work, sometimes very hard work. Unfortunately, for many years they have been waiting for someone with whom it will be easy and hassle-free, “narrowed”, destined by fate, firmly believing that everything will happen by itself with the “right” person. But waiting for someone unknown, we, unfortunately, often miss wonderful people who are now with us, or will be, or have already left without waiting for reciprocity.

If you choose life with your partner, then you choose compromise, respect, care, attention and affection. All these factors are cumulatively stronger than physiology and passion. And when the desire to compromise, to show respect and care is mutual, love will live a lifetime.

With this in mind, you can also deduce the secret of longevity in love: the more you invest in your love, the longer it will live. There are very good expression about not being jealous happy couples, they went through the same difficulties, but did not break. Overcome difficulties, and do not run from them, take care of each other, respect each other, and your love will always be with you.

There is an opinion that love is just chemical reaction that takes place within our body. And this is partly true: the feeling of love or falling in love is actually just the flow of certain hormones into the brain - if their production stops, feelings also disappear. Couples who have lived in a happy marriage for many years may not agree with this statement. Let's find out how long love actually lives.

Physiology

From the point of view of physiology, cases of "three-year" love can just be explained. Such a period is quite enough for a woman to be able to bear, give birth and raise a child - the procreation program after three years can be considered completed, since the mother and child are no longer so defenseless and can well do without a father. The production of hormones gradually stops, and for most couples, it may seem that their feelings are fading.

It is no secret that the result and meaning modern relations the birth and upbringing of a child does not always become - some couples postpone this process for indefinite term, while others even prefer to do without children. Despite this, even a childless couple at the three-year mark can have difficulties. To save love after the birth of a child, the tips from our article, which we prepared specially, will help you.

Scientists' opinion

The opinion that love lives for three years did not appear by chance - according to statistics, relationships break up in the third or fourth year. During this period, most couples experience a crisis in relationships, and often, instead of looking for a solution to problems and making compromises, partners decide to leave. Scientists, on the other hand, believe that it’s not love that lives for three or four years, but love (or passion), and it is this feeling that disappears over time - you begin to notice the partner’s flaws that used to seem attractive, and you yourself don’t try too hard to seem better than you really are.

Love or infatuation

The statement about the "shelf life" of love can also appear for the reason that a person incorrectly identified the feeling that arose in him - that is, he could not distinguish falling in love from love. Meanwhile, the difference is cardinal - love in most cases is mania human virtues (and donkey-like stubborn ignorance of shortcomings). Love, on the other hand, assumes that you look at the chosen one, having got rid of the notorious “rose-colored glasses”, and feel tenderness, respect and love for him, fully accepting all his shortcomings.

It is believed that the period of falling in love is short and ranges from a few weeks to two or three months. Psychologists say that falling in love can last longer - about seventeen months. Distinguishing this feeling from love is not easy, but it is possible - there are 7 unusual signs that you have fallen in love.

For each person, the concept of love and its manifestations are individual - some believe that love has passed if the spouse stopped bringing breakfast to bed (and this was your tradition!), While others treat such phenomena with coolness and proportion common sense. Due to the difference in perception, love can last both a month and all the time that you spend together. In fact, love lives as long as two people want it. If a

It is hard to believe that our feelings and the logic of relationships in a couple are genetically programmed. But the behavior characteristic of lovers has been developed over millions of years of evolution. "It's true," says Dr. biological sciences, author of the book "The Origin of the Brain" Sergey Savelyev. - Our distant ancestors simply did not have time for romance: main goal was to survive and continue their kind.

It was this need that forced people to pair up: alone, it is difficult to protect a child, get food for him and at the same time protect yourself and him from predators. But something else was needed to make the man and woman stick together.

“You can say that this is how love arose. Thanks to this feeling, two adults were able to admire each other, so much so that they wanted to live together, and suffered when they parted, says French neuroscientist Lucy Vincent. “The chemical processes that took place in the brain seemed to blind them: they did not notice each other’s shortcomings, felt integrity and completeness, and were emotionally dependent on a partner.”

The strength of this feeling allowed the couple to stay together for the survival of the child, and after about three years, when he grew up and could do a lot on his own, it faded away. “Now one parent was enough to survive,” continues Sergey Savelyev. - Why stay together if the task of procreation is completed? From an evolutionary point of view, such a question is quite logical.

The power of hormones

"Like in ancient times, love feeling modern man his brain controls, - says Sergey Savelyev. “And all in order to help preserve the human genome: we must continue our species, and the brain forces us to behave in such a way as to achieve this goal in the best possible way.”

Anthropology professor at Rutgers University in the United States, Helen Fisher, has spent 30 years researching the nature and chemistry of love. They showed that its various stages - romantic love and long-term attachment - neurologically and biochemically differ from each other.

But each is accompanied by an increase in hormonal levels. The feeling of falling in love is associated with androgens and estrogens, stable love relationship- with dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin, the feeling of attachment - with oxytocin and vasopressin.

When the brain function normalizes and it returns to its usual rhythm, hormones stop stimulating emotional dependence partners from each other. At this point, the hormone oxytocin begins to play a special role. He seems to help the couple overcome the emerging crisis moment in the relationship. Its blood level rises when two people caress each other, kiss, make love, and even when they talk peacefully over dinner.

Oxytocin stimulates immune system, slows down the heartbeat, thanks to it our body relaxes. And we feel a deep sense of togetherness and affection. “Love makes us focus on one thing. specific person- so we save time and energy, - says Helen Fisher. “And attachment encourages us to live with one partner long enough.”

Perhaps that is why those couples who maintain a warm, tender relationship, and three years after the first meeting, live together for a long time. Partners are aware that they are no longer emotionally dependent on each other, they do not need to be together every minute. And yet they are happy.

“Perhaps from this moment true love begins,” suggests Jungian analyst Robert Johnson. - Partners seek to know, understand the other as ordinary, real person begin to love him in this capacity and take care of him.

Is it worth breaking up?

It is difficult for lovers to imagine that excitement, strong emotional dependence on each other will pass in about three years, and in family relationships a crisis may arise.

“It was like my eyes were opened,” says 26-year-old Lilya. - I realized that my husband is completely unsuitable for me, we - different people. And he began to behave with me in a different way, began to teach, to make claims. I realized that I stopped liking him.”

Starting new relationships and experiencing new crushes, they may never experience true love.

“At the end of the phase of crazy love, when we do not receive “supporting” this feeling of brain signals, there comes a moment of awakening, comments Lucy Vincent. - Our satellite no longer seems irresistible to us, on the contrary, “unexpectedly” we find many shortcomings in it. There is a feeling that we have been deceived. And we think that maybe we just made the wrong choice.” Since the partner is experiencing approximately the same thing at this moment, there is a danger of a real break in relations.

Those of us who react too violently and quickly to the cooling of feelings and consider separation the only possible reaction to what is happening, risk falling into a vicious circle. Starting new relationships and experiencing new crushes, they may never experience true love.

Scientists medical college University of London Andreas Bartles and Semir Zeki scanned the brains of students in love and found that love triggers mechanisms similar to those that produce euphoria from drugs.

“Moreover, “love affection” is formed according to the same algorithm as drug addiction, - says psychophysiologist Alexander Chernorizov. - A person again and again strives to reproduce forms of behavior that have already led to a feeling of pleasure, in broad sense- to success. And this is a biologically justified algorithm.”

“Lovers are always in high spirits, they can’t sleep, they don’t want to eat,” says psychologist Ekaterina Vashukova. - Provoking euphoria chemical substances can also be addictive. Starting new novels, some of us strive with all our might to return to this intoxicating state.

But such people quickly develop tolerance for "love drugs", which is why their romances are so short-lived. Physical attraction, not supported by feelings, also leads to the production of "euphoric" substances, but for a much more short term and in smaller quantities.

More than chemistry

The brain and what happens in it chemical processes, of course, influence our behavior, but love is never fully programmed, - Alexander Chernorizov believes. - Of course, we also depend on the "hormonal component" of love attraction - this is an ancient driving force our survival.

But hormone chemistry alone is not enough to explain the success or failure of a relationship. The power of hormones is great, but so is the power of the personal, social experience. AT real life these factors work together, and it cannot be argued that any of them takes over.

When Helen Fisher was asked how she feels about love after receiving the results of her research, she replied: “I studied the mechanism of love, but this did not diminish her charm in the least in my eyes. You continue to enjoy the dessert, even if you are given a detailed description of its composition, right?

Knowing that the information written in the genes affects our feelings and behavior, that at some point hormones affect us, does not detract from the happiness that we experience next to our loved one. And our desire to maintain and continue relations with him. On the contrary, now we have the opportunity to think differently: dependence is over - there is time to think about the development of our relations.

The roots of the myth

The French writer Frederic Beigbeder did a lot to popularize the myth of the primordial doom of any attachment. Hero of it famous novel“Love lives for three years” Marc Maronier, after three years of marriage, falls passionately in love with another. But the stereotype that "eternal love" does not exist makes Maronier skeptical about this relationship. As soon as he enters them, he already foresees a quick break.


Begbeder once admitted that he takes up the pen solely for the purpose of "doing something with it." And he is convinced: the idea sustainable relationship in a couple has outlived itself. Not feeling the border between falling in love and long-term affection, Begbeder's heroes call for the very concept of "eternal love" to be consigned to oblivion. And at the same time, they demonstrate an infantile unwillingness to perceive relationships in a couple as the result of constant and meaningful inner work.

"Don't get hung up on relationships"

Why is it dangerous to pre-set an expiration date on a relationship? What is the attraction of such an approach? And how to overcome the crisis of three years? We talked about this with a psychotherapist, Dr. psychological sciences, author of the book "Psychology of Personality and Essence of Man" Alexander Orlov.

psychology:“Love lives only three years” - why is this setting so in demand?

Alexander Orlov:

A wedding as a one-time event, fidelity as an indisputable value - such is the centuries-old position of the Christian society. Modern world uses other ideas, in particular - that love lasts three years. This is a very market setting. She not only allows her to leave her partner after three years, she simply obliges to do it!

We are already participating in a pipeline of constant change. Under the pressure of society, we change cars, housing, clothes for more fashionable and prestigious ones. And in recent times we do it more and more often. Now our relations are also involved in this movement.

Everyday life can push to the decision to part with a partner: in any relationship there are periods of falling in love, routine, difficulties, conflicts. And at some point it may seem that love has passed. Society offers ways not to solve, but to distract from these problems.

The problems are only exacerbated, which eventually leads to a break. And to the search for new partners and relationships in which all the same difficulties arise. This situation creates a situation of adultery, mutual betrayal, makes it the norm of life.

When the period of falling in love passes and the scenes of showdown begin to repeat, as broken record, we must make an effort and break out of this circle in order to change own life. Only then does the prospect of new relationships appear, new meetings within the former family, in which live not a housewife and a breadwinner or, say, a matron and a henpecked man, but two full partners, each of whom has his own life.

They are not limited to family relationships, they live dynamically, they change, but at the same time they interact. There are also problems in such a marriage. But they become an incentive for change, development of each of the partners, and not a reason for monotonous conflicts that lead to the thought: “Enough, as much as possible, we must disperse!”

Development of each of the partners and their joint development how couples help them understand and feel that love does not die after three years - it continues to live, taking on new forms.

The first few months, a year after meeting for many couples, is the brightest period in a relationship: passions, emotions, euphoria. It seems like it will always be like this. But then two years, three years pass... Bright emotions are replaced by a more even attitude, and then completely routine. And now the soul again requires a flight, and the body - a hormonal surge. It seems to people that love has passed and it's time to look for a new one.

Love is like a drug

According to one theory, people are genetically programmed to experience affection for each other for three years according to one version and seven years according to another. Proponents of this theory say that evolutionarily the main needs have been formed in a person - to survive and continue their race, and over the past few millennia they have not changed. And together it was easier for people to survive and raise offspring than by. But there had to be something else to keep a man and a woman together for some time, came up with love. The chemical processes in the brain arising under her influence created an emotional dependence on a partner, made her see first of all his merits and not notice his shortcomings. When the child grew up and became relatively independent, the feeling between his parents began to fade. Proponents of this theory see in procreation the only goal of bringing men and women together, and in their craving for each other - only a consequence of the action of hormones. Some scientists even compare love passion with drug addiction.

Helen Fisher, an anthropology professor at Rutgers University in the US, has been researching the chemistry of love for many years. Her findings suggest that emotions are different stages relationships are accompanied by an increase in various hormones. So, love is associated with estrogens and androgens, long-term relationships - with serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine, and attachment is accompanied by an increase in oxytocin and vasopressin. It is oxytocin that helps a couple to refrain from impulsive acts and from breaking up relationships in crisis periods when the action of other hormones fades. At this time, partners gain the opportunity to look at their loved one with a clear look, they finally realize that he is the same a common person with its own merits and demerits. emotional and physical addiction passes, and now it depends only on the people themselves whether they decide to continue to stay together and work on their relationship, or not.

All cases are individual

You can believe in the theory about hormones, especially since everything looks pretty logical. But that would be too easy. In practice, one can observe that great amount steam breaks up after a year or a few years, but there are those who manage to save happy relationship and interest in each other for a very long time. And it depends on many factors. Love does not necessarily pass in 3-5 years if: partners continue to surprise each other and remain interesting, develop together, appreciate each other, know how to diversify their lives and receive vivid emotions from different joint activities, thereby warming up and passion. But for such relationships to be possible, a man and a woman must initially be united not only by physical attraction, they must have something in common, so that it would be happier to be near them than apart.

Frederic BEGBEDER

LOVE LIVES THREE YEARS

Dedicated to Sophie Christine de Chastenier and Jean-Michel Beigbeder, without whom this book would not have been possible (and so am I)

As a loser, I know what I'm talking about.

Scott Fitzgerald

So what? Well, yes! We must call a spade a spade! A person loves, and then no longer loves.

Françoise Sagan (at a dinner party at her home with Brigitte Bardot and Bernard Franck)

COMMUNICATING VESSELS

With time love passes

Love is a battle. Lost in advance.

At first, everything is fine, even you. You are only amazed that you can be so in love. Every day brings a new batch of miracles. No one on Earth has ever felt so good. There is happiness, it is simpler than simple: it is someone's face. The whole world is smiling. whole year your life is one continuous sunny morning, even at dusk and when snowing. You write books about it. Hurry up to get married - why pull if you are so happy? I don’t want to think, it makes me sad; let life decide for you.

Something changes in the second year. You have become softer. Be proud of how well you and your half got used to each other. You understand your wife "at a glance"; it's great to be one. The wife is taken on the street for your sister - it flatters you, but it also affects the psyche. You make love less and less and think: it's okay. You arrogantly believe that this same love is growing stronger every day, when the end of the world is just around the corner. You defend marriage in front of bachelor friends who don't recognize you. And you yourself are sure that you will recognize yourself when you chant a learned lesson, trying your best not to look at fresh girls, from which it is brighter on the street.

In the third year, you no longer try not to look at fresh girls, from whom it is brighter on the street. You don't talk to your wife anymore. Spend long hours with her in a restaurant, listening to what the table neighbors babble. You and her are increasingly out of the house: this is an excuse not to fuck. And soon there comes a moment when you can no longer endure your half for a single extra second, because you fell in love with the other. There's only one thing you're wrong about: the last word indeed always remains behind life. In the third year, you have two news - good and bad. Good news: your wife is tired of everything and she is leaving you. The bad news: you're starting a new book.

Divorce in a festive way

When you go poddaty, the main thing is to aim between the houses and do not miss. Marc Marronnier steps on the gas, causing his scooter to pick up speed. He maneuvers between cars. They flash their headlights at him, honk when he touches them, just like at weddings in countryside. Here's the irony of fate: Marronier is just celebrating his divorce. Today he is touring route number 5 bis, and every minute counts: five places per evening (“Castel” - “Buddha” - “Bus” - “Cabaret” - “Queen”) - this is already cool, but think about it, that the 5-bis, as the name implies, is performed twice a night.

In such places, he is often alone. Secular people are generally loners, lost in a sea of ​​vaguely familiar faces. They cheer up by shaking hands. Every new kiss is a trophy. They indulge themselves in the illusion self-importance greeting celebrities, although they themselves have not done a damn thing in their lives. They try to visit only where it is noisy - you can not talk. Holidays are given to a person to hide what is on his mind. Few people know more people than Mark, and few people are so lonely.

And tonight is not just a holiday. Today he has a divorce-party! Hooray! To begin with, he bought a bottle in each institution. And, it seems, he managed to cling to each robustly.

Marc Marronnier, you are the King of the Night, wherever you go, the owner of the establishment kisses you on the lips, you skip the line, the best table is waiting for you, you know everyone by their last names, you laugh at all jokes (especially the most unfunny ones), they give you dope for nothing, you show off everywhere in photographs, it’s not clear why on earth, it’s crazy how high you have flown in a few years in the gossip column! Nabob! "Secular Lion"! But tell me, explain for a minute, why did your wife make you a pen?

“We broke up by mutual disagreement,” Mark says through gritted teeth as he enters the Bus.

He later adds:

- I married Anna because she was an angel - and that is the reason we divorced. I thought I was looking for love, until one day I realized that I wanted the exact opposite - to stay away from her.

A quiet angel flies inappropriately, and Mark changes the subject.

- Hell! he barks. - And the girls are nothing here, sorry, I didn’t brush my teeth when I was going. Op-la! Mademoiselle, you are wonderfully good. Be kind, let me undress you!

He is like that, Marc Marronier: he pretends to be cool in his velvet suit, because he is ashamed to be gentle. He was in his thirties: the middle age, when you are too old to be young and too young to be old. He does everything to be like his reputation: God forbid disappoint anyone. He tried so hard to expand his achievement list that has become a caricature of himself. He was tired of proving that he had a kind and deep soul, so he builds a wicked and skygazer out of himself, deliberately demonstrates a violent, and even rude disposition. So when he runs out onto the dance floor yelling, “Hurrrah! r-r-divorced!" - no one wants to console him. Only laser beams pierce the heart like sharp blades.

There comes an hour when it becomes complicated operation. Staggering, he saddles the scooter again. The night is cold. Starting right off the bat, Mark feels tears running down his cheeks. Probably from the wind. His eyelids are still stony. He doesn't wear a helmet. Dolce Vita? What is Dolce Vita? Where is she? There are too many memories, too much to forget, it will be a hell of a job to erase all this from memory, how many wonderful minutes will have to be experienced instead of those former ones.

He meets his buddies at the Baron on avenue Marceau. Champagne is exorbitant, girls too. For example, if you want to fuck with two - lay out six thousand, and with one - three. They don't even give discounts. They demand to pay in cash; Mark walks out to the ATM with his credit card; they take him to a hotel, undress in a taxi, suck him for a couple, and you know he presses on the heads; in the room they are smeared with fragrant cream, he inserts one and licks the other; after a while, realizing that he will not finish, he fakes an orgasm, after which he goes to the bathroom to stealthily throw away the empty condom.

In a taxi to way back, early in the morning, he hears:

Alcohol is slightly bitter

The day has passed and the day is dead.

seedy musician

played my life

(Christophe, "Beautiful eccentric.")

He decides to continue to masturbate before going out so that he no longer confuses the demon to get up God knows what.

On the beach, all alone

Hi everyone, I'm an author. Welcome to my brain, sorry for the intrusion. I will no longer fool you: I am mine the protagonist. Everything that usually happens to me is, well, seeds. Nobody dies from this. For example, my foot has never been in Sarajevo. My dramas play out in restaurants, nightclubs and stucco apartments. The most great tragedy I had to endure recently - I was not invited to the celebration of John Galliano. And suddenly on you: for no reason I die, before I feel bad. I remember the time when all my friends drank bitter, then they got big, then they got married, and now the period has come when everyone gets divorced before dying. And this happens, by the way, in the most fun places, here, for example, on the Red Sail, the beach in St. Tropez, the heat, Eurodance at the bar to refresh the lumpen pussies in bikinis, they are poured with Crystal Roederer for a million old 0.75 l, and then they suck on their navels. In all corners they chuckle. I would drown myself in the sea, but there are too many people water skiing.

How did I allow window dressing to crush my life to such an extent? It is often said: "We must save face." And I say, the face must be killed, only in this way you will be saved yourself.

Most sad man whom I have met in my lifetime

There are places in Paris in winter where it is somehow especially cold. No matter how much you drink strong drinks, it seems as if a blizzard is blowing through the bars. Coming up glacial period. Even in the crowd, a thumper makes its way.

I did everything right: I was born into a good family, studied at the Lycée Montaigne, then at the Lycée Louis the Great, received higher education in the institutes where he rotated among intelligent people; I invited them to dance, there were those who gave me work; I married the most beautiful girl of all my acquaintances. Why is it so cold here? At what point did I fail? I only wanted to please you, and it was not so difficult for me to comply. Why don't I have the right to live like everyone else? Why, instead of the simple happiness with which I was beckoned, did I get only difficulties and tears?