Character, habits, values, interests, beliefs - all this can be changed in a person. Change can be conscious or unconscious, sudden or subtle, but it happens all the time. They are positive and negative, associated with the development or degradation of the individual, for something or after something.

People change under the influence of the social environment and environmental conditions. Unwittingly, we adopt the habits and mannerisms of those with whom we often associate. Close people can even complete phrases for each other, say something at the same time.

Although it is customary to refer to these factors as external, they are associated with the internal characteristics of the personality: and the mechanism of imitation. We strive to fit in with the reference group, the authority figure. Yes, and copying someone's habits is the easiest way to get close and like them.

External influences are more susceptible to those people who have not yet decided on their own life, have not revealed their personal potential, have not understood themselves. As a rule, these are children, adolescents and infantile adults. This category of people can change for the sake of someone. But it should be not just someone, but a person respected by them.

Internal factors

Internal factors include human nature. People from birth are endowed with different properties of the psyche and qualities. With a successful one, there is a gradual disclosure of potential, maturation and development, corresponding to the essence, nature of a particular person. The need for self-determination, self-realization and self-actualization is the main internal force of change.

In this case, people change for something or after something. For example, when they realize that the former way of life harms them, spoils their health. Or when they realize that certain qualities, habits, and skills are not enough to reach the desired profession and standard of living.

Change and willpower

External factors act as external motivation. It is less stable than intrinsic motivation. Changes for someone else are less likely to end in success than changes for oneself, for personal well-being and harmony, or after traumatic life events.

So, the treatment of alcoholism or drug addiction will be more successful if the person who has received an overdose is frightened, admits the problem and agrees to full rehabilitation. Alcoholics rarely change for family, friends, employer or loved one. There can be only one exception: without this person, the addict is much worse, he literally cannot survive without him.

Motivation is more important than But changes largely depend on it. The wording “whether people change for the sake of or after something” already suggests that we are talking about a person’s conscious work on himself. Only with the help of complex and prolonged work on oneself do people get rid of indecision, rudeness, naivety, isolation, talkativeness, aggressiveness, etc.

You probably noticed that all of the above are qualities of character. Yes, a person is best amenable to change. And the phrase “I have such a character” is an excuse for laziness. Character, habits, patterns of behavior can be changed. Yes. This is hard. Therefore, strong motivation, a specific goal is the main condition for success.

Change and genetics

Not everything in a person can be changed. For example, temperament cannot be changed. But you can correct those qualities that seem undesirable. It is practically impossible to change what is genetically inherent in a person. For example, abilities, inclinations and individual predispositions to something.

But it is important to understand that inclinations only push, pull a person towards something. Behavior depends on the personality itself and the environment that surrounds it. We decide which of our tendencies to indulge and which to keep in check.

It is also interesting that in every person there is something like a computer program. Talents and inclinations manifest themselves strictly at the time when this should happen. If you try to develop something in yourself earlier, then nothing will come of it. It is important not to stop analyzing your own development, to track sensitive periods for favorable changes and work on yourself. Not all qualities and abilities are noticeable in childhood, for example, the talent of an artist can manifest itself by the age of 20-30.

Some researchers believe that even such traits as irritability and sociability, the ability to build and maintain close relationships, are inherited. The ability to overcome or adapt is also genetic, but this can be developed if desired.

And even the very ability to change has a genetic component. Not all people are naturally given great opportunities for change. But this only means that it will be a little more difficult to change yourself than for those who are endowed with different genetics.

Results

Do people change for or after something? Yes, but more often after something. Namely, after life becomes unbearable, when circumstances push you to the wall, when it becomes hard to breathe, when a person becomes disgusted with himself, when he is left alone - there are a lot of options for unfavorable scenarios.

The second important condition for change is a strong type of nervous system and a strong character. It takes years to change personality. This will require motivation at the beginning of the journey and its maintenance throughout the work on oneself, a lot of energy, a strong will. Strong people can change not only after something, but also for something. They have the spirit.

Is it possible to fix, change another person? No. But you can help someone who wants to change and work on himself, ready to accept help.

Well, if someone from the environment does not suit you, then there are three options: change yourself, accept it, leave. By the way, in some cases, the risk of separation can turn into an internal motivation for change.

If suddenly you are looking for a life partner, I will tell you a simple question with which you can immediately weed out people who are not suitable for you. The question is: Can people change?

When misunderstandings and conflicts arise in a family, someone needs to start changing themselves. As a rule, both need it. But if at least one person knows that he / she cannot change himself, because people do not change, then nothing will get better in such a family.

Let's be honest: if you assume that people can't change, you're wasting your time here. Don't waste your time, I can't help you and I tell you goodbye.

Goodbye!

If you are at least confident about yourself that at least you can change yourself in something important, then we work further. Throw out the phrase "You can't change yourself" and remind yourself more often: "I can change!"

At the request of readers, I will clarify: it is almost impossible to change another person against his will and consent, do not build illusions here. Women's hopes - "Yes, he drinks, but I will wean him from this!" - empty. Therefore, perhaps we will say this: "A person can change, but another person cannot be changed." The specialist can, but you can't.

Now. I recently heard a presentation of a look at a man who turned out to be exceptionally popular primarily among women. I have not yet understood what is more in him - sweet naivety or dense ignorance, but this view is stated as follows: in a person there is an external and an internal. The external is his appearance, figure, clothes and hairstyle, and the internal is his character, temperament and all that deep that determines our behavior. Temperament cannot be changed, it is innate, and everything deep is our unconscious, which can only be understood with the help of a psychologist who has access to the unconscious. So, what can be changed in a person? Internal - you can not change, you can only deal with it. Okay, maybe you can change the character, but a little and for a very long time. But you can seriously change only the external, that is, only clothes, hair, and lose weight if you go to fitness.

If you have the same views on a person, you can change your hair and clothes as effectively as you can, everything else, given your laziness, you will never change.

Where is the ambush? What is missing in this picture?

Write down your thoughts.

Answer: in this picture there is no behavior, no action, what a person can either do or not do. More precisely, in this picture there is human behavior, but it is only an expression of the inner. I splash out my actions, words and emotions, because this is an expression of my feelings and everything else internal. Well, I'm not the author of my emotions? So are my words and deeds: if I do not pretend, if I act sincerely, they simply express my inner self. Well, as for the internal, as we have already found out, what it is, it is ...

Those who work at the Distance think differently. If they are in the author's position, they know that they can act and take responsibility for their actions. If they speak, they know to whom and for what they speak, and they are responsible for their words. If they make an offer, they are responsible for their contribution, you can rely on them. They can act, they can make their personal choices and they choose to shape themselves and their destiny. If this ideology is close to you, I invite you to the Distance!

Many of us believe that we have magical powers that can change another person. Hoping for this, we invest an incredible amount of time and emotions, and in the end we only get disappointed. Yes, a person can really change. But only in one case (read carefully!).

When I got out of a difficult relationship, I mentally held on to them for a decent amount of time. That is, I understood that there would be no sense, but it still seemed to me that I could fix something.

When the fog of euphoria cleared, I began to see all the psychological characteristics of another person. I always knew them in the depths of my soul, but, like most of us, I was sure that love is capable of everything that a person can change.

I was looking for articles on addictions, on character accentuations, on the nature of infantilism and manipulation, and so on and so forth. She threw it on her page, showed the person: “Look, here it is! That's what's happening! Everything is arranged in you like this, like this and like that!”

Guess what I got in return? That's right, aggression and "the fool herself." And how did you want? What you point your finger at a person hurts. All special behaviors are psychological defenses against mental wounds. These are behavioral strategies developed over the years that allow you to exist relatively comfortably in the world without being integral personalities.

Now I can say with confidence that a person can change. A person can really change. But only in one case (read carefully!) - WHEN YOU WANT IT.

You probably think that you will become the very motivator for which, for which, despite which your loved one wants to change? Don't be fooled. Your influence is no greater than the weather outside. Perhaps they will adapt to you, take an umbrella in case of bad weather, but change their beliefs, and even more - the structure of their personality - for the sake of clouds outside the window ... Are you in yourself?

Now, if the person himself suddenly ceases to suit that during the rain he is sad, and in the heat he suffers .... When he gets tired of himself, that he is deeply unhappy, unsuccessful, that life does not turn out the way he wants, or something else ... Or, what God is not joking, he will have an insight in a dream that “it sucks I somehow live” ... That's when possibly.

But you will already be far from the epicenter of the explosion ... And it would be better for you to be far away so that the blast wave does not cover you ... Because to admit that "I myself was the cause of everything in my life" is a very difficult test. As a rule, the one who is nearby is assigned as the cause of failures ... Or was nearby ... For the time being, that person will go a long way to understanding who everything starts with in our life ... If he wants to go ...

Donald Walsh wrote that "the best thing we can do for a man in love is to give him a large portion of himself." This is not anger, not revenge, not “look at how you will be without me.” It is a calm conviction that every person has the right to be and be with what he has in himself. Even the fact that you are temporarily (and this is always temporary) in a couple does not give you the right to change the other person.

We are only responsible for ourselves. We are born separately from each other and we will go away on our own. Each of us has our own life and purpose.

Your will extends only to your life. And there is no need to build yourself out of the Lord, thinking that you have the right to influence the fate of another person. Leave others alone, take care of yourself.

Psychologists have a principle - not to solve the client's problems without a request. Yes, in fact, without a request, he still did not become a client.

Therefore, you should also follow this golden rule of the universe: do not interfere where you are not asked. I emphasize that an adult, mentally healthy (and it is not for you to judge his health) person is able to deal with his problems or ask for help if he cannot solve them.

Become the creator of your own destiny - this is the best thing you can do in life. If someone needs to change around you, it will happen. You will become a motivator by the very fact of your realization.

If your path does not attract another person, does not inspire, then this is great - he obviously has his own path. And those whose paths lie close to yours will walk beside you.

We all have such an acquaintance - a person in our life, about whom we always say: "If only he ...". From month to month, from year to year - we love them, care, worry about them, but when we turn off the light or hang up, we think to ourselves: "If only he ...". Maybe it's your relative. He may be depressed. Or he had his heart broken. Or he is depressed. Maybe he doesn't believe in himself. But every time you see him, you try to fill him with love and confidence, you compliment his new Spider-Man t-shirt and sing the praises of his new super haircut. You inadvertently admire him and give him some unsolicited advice, recommend a book or two, but think to yourself: “If he only believed in himself…”

Or it could be a friend. He can always get stuck somewhere. Or drink. Or cheat on your partner. Or constantly blow all your savings on a strange hobby, like go-karting. You pull him out of this and talk heart to heart, as befits good old comrades. Or maybe you offer to look at the balance in the bank or even give loans - and more than once. But in the meantime, in the back of your mind, the phrase sounds:

"If only he could control himself..."

Or maybe even worse. It could be your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Or even worse, your ex-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Perhaps everything has ended a long time ago, but you still continue to hope that this person will somehow change. It's like there's some special information they missed that will change everything. Maybe you even buy them books they never read. Or drag them to a doctor they don't want to go to. Or maybe at two in the morning you record tearful voice messages for them like:

“Why am I not good enough for you?!?”

Well, yes, as if it ever worked...

We all have such a person in our lives. It hurts to love him. But losing him hurts too. So we decide that the only way to save this neurotic is to somehow change him.

"If only he..."

This spring, at the end of my reader meetings, I hosted a short Q&A session. And always in every city, at least one person stood up, told their story long and confused, and then asked: “How can I make him / her change? If he had only done this and that, then everything would have been easier.”

You cannot force a person to change.

And in every situation, my answer was the same: no way.

Can you change a person by your example?

Of course, you can inspire him to change with your experience. You can push him by telling him something. You can support him in his endeavors. But you can't force him to change. And this is all because getting someone to do something, even for their own good, involves either coercion or manipulation.

To do this, it is necessary to intervene in life in such a way that boundaries are violated, which will then harm the relationship - in some cases more harm than help. Often, broken boundaries go unnoticed because they are violated in the name of good.

Is it possible to change a person without manipulation?

Vasya lost his job. Now he is lying on his mother's couch, crushed and feeling sorry for himself every day. And then mom starts sending out his resume. She also starts yelling at Vasya, calling him names and accusing him of being a loser. Maybe she'll even throw his game console out the window, just to give him another motivational kick. And if the intentions of the mother are quite good, then for many this act may seem dramatic and at the same time a noble manifestation of tough love, but this type of behavior will ultimately have the opposite effect.

This is a violation of boundaries.

This is taking responsibility for the actions of another person and his emotions, and even if all this turns out with the best of intentions, still breaking boundaries destroys all relationships completely.

If you look from the other side. Vasya feels sorry for himself. He is trying to find at least some meaning of life in this cruel and heartless world. And then suddenly his mother comes and smashes his game console to smithereens, which just yesterday went around and looked for a job for him. This not only does not solve Vasya's problem with his belief that the world is cruel and heartless, and he has no place in it, but it is also another proof for him that something is fundamentally wrong with him. After all, if Vasya wasn’t so bad, he wouldn’t need his mother to go and look for a job for him, right?

Instead of understanding that: “Hey, everything is fine with this world, and I can handle it,” the lesson turns out to be: “Well, yes, I am a grown man who still needs his mom to do everything for him - I I always knew there was something wrong with me."

This is how our best intentions to help someone turn out to be a total failure.

Is it possible to change a person without violating his boundaries?

You cannot force another person to be confident or respect yourself or take responsibility - because the means that you use to do this destroy this very confidence, and with it respect with responsibility.

Is it possible to change a person without taking responsibility for his life?

In order for a person to really change, he must feel these changes within himself, choose and control them himself. Otherwise it all makes no sense.

The most common criticism of my work is that, unlike many other self-help authors, I don't tell people what to do. I don't sort everything from A to Z and give out dozens of assignments at the end of every fucking chapter.

But I don't do it for one simple reason: I can't decide what's right for you. I can't decide what makes you the best version of you. Yes, even if I could, the fact that I would tell you what to do instead of you telling yourself would deprive you of all emotional benefits.

People who are carried away by the “help yourself” world live in it directly, because they are chronically unable to take responsibility for their own choices.

Millions of people float through life looking around - looking for an ideal or a company or a set of principles - by which they would know exactly what to think, what to do, and what to score. But the problem is that any value system eventually fails. And any definition of success will end up being stupid. And if you are dependent on other people's values, then you are doomed from the very beginning to feel lost and not unique.

So if someone like me comes on stage and tells you that for half of all your savings he will take responsibility for your life, telling you what to do and what to appreciate, then he should add that "I am not only I will perpetuate your original problem, but I will also kill you by doing this.”

Trauma survivors who have been abandoned, humiliated, or felt lost have been able to get through that pain by relying on a worldview that promises them hope. But until such people learn to generate that hope for themselves, choose those very values, and take responsibility for their own experience, nothing will help them to truly heal.

For some, intervention and words like: “Hey, here are my valuables on a silver platter. Add french fries?" only perpetuate the problem, even if it is all done with good intentions. (Objection: Active intervention in someone's life may be necessary if the person poses a danger to themselves or others. When I say "danger", I mean real danger - drug overdose, unpredictability, cruelty or hallucinations that they live with Charlie at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

How can you help people?

That is, if you cannot force someone to change because interfering in their life and shifting responsibility for their choice will eventually backfire, then what can you do? Can a person be changed? How to help?

1. Set an example

Anyone who has ever experienced a significant change in their life is sure to notice a ripple effect in their relationship. You stop drinking and partying, and then your drinking friends decide that you're ignoring them or that you're kind of "too good" for them. But maybe, all of a sudden, at least one of all these party-goers will think: “Damn, maybe I should quit too?” and jump out of that party boat with you. And it won't happen because you stepped in and said, "Hey man, hare drink on Tuesdays," but simply because you yourself stopped drinking, and it inspired others.

2. Instead of giving answers, ask the right questions.

As soon as you realize that by dumping our answers on others, we immediately sabotage the benefits of these same answers.

Can you change a person with the right questions?

You must realize that the only way to help a person is to ask the right questions. Instead of saying, "You should be fighting for a promotion," you can say, "Do you feel like you're getting paid?"

Instead of saying, "Stop tolerating the way your sister behaves," you can say, "Do you feel responsible for your sister's bad behavior?"

Instead of saying, "Stop pooping in your pants - it's gross," you can say, "You know what a toilet is, right? Would you like me to show you how to use it?"

Asking people questions is hard. This requires patience. And mind. And tact. But that's probably why it's so useful. When you pay a psychiatrist, you are really just paying for the right questions. That's why for some people psychiatry turns out to be "useful" - because they think that the specialist gave the answer to all their problems, but all they got was more questions.

3. Offer Unconditional Help

This doesn't mean you can't give people answers. But these answers must be found by them themselves. There is a huge difference between me when I say "I know what's best for you" and you when you come to me and say "What do you think is best for me?"

Is it possible to change a person by respecting his choice?

Some respect your autonomy and will. Others don't. So most of the time the best thing you can do is just make it clear that you are open if the person needs you.

Classic: “Listen, I know you're going through a tough time right now. If you ever want to talk, let me know."

But you can be more specific. A few years ago, a friend of mine had problems with his parents. Instead of giving him advice or telling him what to do, I simply told him about some of what seemed to me to be similar problems that I had with my parents in the past. It was not my intention to make my friend take my advice, or do what I did, or even give a damn about what I had.

It was his choice.

I just made a suggestion. Left it somewhere. If it could be useful to him, he could use it. If not, that's fine too. Because when we do that, our stories have value without regard to ourselves.

It's not me giving him advice. It is my experience that gives a chance to his experience.

Respecting his right to choose and take responsibility for his experience. Nothing and no one interferes with his choice. Because, in the end, we can only change ourselves.

Of course, Vasya may have a lovely job and one less prefix, but until his self-identification changes along with his feelings about himself and his life, he will remain the same Vasya. Only with an even more anxious mother.

writer. Thinker. optimist
Translation: Nata B.

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