The Strawberry and Cream Principle: “Personally, I love strawberries and cream, but for some reason fish prefer worms. That's why when I go fishing, I don't think about what I love, but about what the fish loves.

(Dale Carnegie)

If you want someone to be interested in you, talk about what he is interested in (speak the same language with him). The theory is simple, and well-known to everyone - but how to put it into practice?

And in practice, it is useful to know that the sphere of interest of your interlocutor is divided into six categories: “people”, “place”, “time”, “values”, “process”, “things”.

Usually 2-3 of these 6 topics are favorites for a person - he will discuss them with great pleasure. The rest are not interesting to him, and cause him mortal boredom, - “Well, why about this? it doesn't matter!"

To better understand how this is used in life, let's take a closer look at each type separately.

The cat caught the mouse:

- Do you want to live?

- With whom?

- Ugh! Even eating is disgusting!

Favorite question: Who? People are important to him: with whom he communicates, who surrounds him.

Such a person selects a job for himself based on which team he will join, with whom he will have to interact.

Talking about his vacation, he will talk first of all about the people with whom he rested, whom he met.

If he is invited to a party, he will definitely ask: “Who will be there?”. He asks because it is the most important thing for him.

At the headquarters of the missile forces:

- Today came the order to reduce staff by 10%. Does everyone understand?

- Yes…

- And now the details: I think we should start with Texas, Florida, Alabama ...

Favorite question: Where? It is important for this person to clearly navigate in space. He usually has a favorite chair or a favorite place at the table, to which he tries not to let anyone in.

When choosing a job, the most important factor will be the location of the office, and how much he likes his workplace.

Talking about the rest, he will describe the places he visited, through which sights his route ran.

Meticulously will ask about "where the party will take place." At the party itself, he will be interested in where he will sit at the table, in what place.

A Frenchman is asked:

- What do you like more? Wine or women?

To which he replies:

- It depends on the year of manufacture.

Favorite question: When? For such a person, everything related to time will be extremely important.

A new job is selected based on criteria such as a suitable work schedule, how long it takes him to get from home to the office, and the length of his vacation.

He will tell you in detail the daily routine in the sanatorium where he rested, what time the train arrived, how many minutes the plane was late and all other details related to time.

Before going to a party, be sure to ask “when does it start? what time will it end? when does the last bus leave?

"Values"

Doctor, will I live?

- What's the point?

Favorite question: Why? It is important for this person that what he does is valuable and useful. He looks for meaning in everything. Talks about your values ​​and beliefs.

Such a person will be ready to work in a team that is unpleasant for him, with devils in the middle of nowhere, spending a lot of his time on the road, if at the same time he considers that by working here he benefits people, or some benefit to himself.

He will not talk about how he rested, but about why he went to the sanatorium, what it gave him: “he improved his health, spent at least a little time with his family, made useful acquaintances.”

Before going to a party, he will ask, “How will this benefit me?”, Because the party itself is not of particular value to him.

"Process"

A hefty lazy cat sneaks home and thinks:

- Now to the tank, from the tank to the fence, from the fence to the pipe, through the pipe to the roof ...

At that moment, the pipe below him breaks away from the wall and begins to fall.

Cat (angrily):

- Not understood!..

Favorite question: How? It is very important for him how he will do something, the sequence of actions that must be performed. Often uses verbs in speech.

In work, the most important thing for him is that the process itself gives him pleasure.

Talking about the holiday: will describe the sequence of events, day by day: “in the morning we sunbathed on the beach, after that we had lunch, then we slept, then we went to the pool.… The next day we went on an excursion, after that…”

He will be interested in the whole scenario of the party, what will follow what: “and after we have dinner, what will happen? What about after we dance? What about after we have tea?

A customs officer looking into a passenger's suitcase from an arriving flight:

- So, dear, let's decide where your things are here, and where are mine.

Favorite question: "What?". Such a person pays a lot of attention to things and objects. Often uses nouns in speech.

When choosing a job, he will look at the objects that will surround him: a computer, an office desk, a room ... It is important that he likes it.

He will tell in detail about the things that surrounded him during the holidays: “the pool was good, the beach with sand, double rooms, with a TV and a refrigerator…”

Be sure to ask "What will happen at the party?". If it is important for a process type person to hear “first we will have dinner, then we will dance, then we will drink tea”, then it is important for a person of the “Things” type to hear “there will be dinner, dancing, tea drinking”

Now the question is “What to talk to him about?” the solution is quite simple: after listening to a person, you determine his favorite topics, after which you talk with him, trying to get into the sphere of his interests. If it is “people”, then talk about people. If this is a “place”, then ask where he was, tell me where you yourself are going to go ...

To make sure that such an adjustment is important enough, try a couple of times to specifically “detune” from the interests of a person. He told you, for example, “about the people he met,” and you asked him a question from another area: “where did you meet them?”, “And when was that?”. The reaction of the person will immediately tell you that it is better not to do this (except when you need to quickly end the conversation)

To check yourself how well you are now oriented in this "typology of interests", try to answer the questions of the following tests.

Test #1

Read the statements of 6 different people about your vacation. Based on them, determine the type of interests of each person.

Man No.	statement	Interest type
	“... Is this really a vacation. Only 12 days. And then: 36 hours the way there, and the same amount back. The only joy is the sea in 5 minutes…”
	“... The room had everything you need: shower, TV, fridge, kettle…”
	“... I met Irina Vasilievna there. The most amazing person! She has 12 children. The youngest - Anyuta is called ... ".
	“... I rested in the New World, this is the southern coast of Crimea, 10 km west of Sudak. By the way, they lived 200 meters from the sea ... "
	“... As soon as we arrived at the railway station, we were immediately taken to a sanatorium, we were fed there, after that we were settled in rooms ...”
	“... I corrected my health, and this is the most important thing. The doctors in the sanatorium were good. So, if you want to heal, then this is the best option ... "

Test #2:

Your friend doesn't want to go to your party. You still want to convince her to come. Decide which phrase you will use for which type of people.

	statement	Suitable for people like…
	“... Listen, there will definitely be Lena, Katya, Misha, Sergey. Igor is going to drive up with two of his friends. Good company is going! Only you are missing…”
	"…Come! We have a great program: first we will have dinner, then we will look at the photos, then we will dance, and at the end we will discuss plans for the future ... "
	“…You just need to rest. In addition, you can make useful contacts. And in general, friendly relations need to be maintained ... "
	“... You only have 40 minutes to go to me! And in the evening we will finish early, at 11 o'clock you will already go back. We haven't seen each other for 2 months! When will we meet again?…”
	“... After all, we are not going anywhere, but at my house! Let's go to the lake, it's nearby. We will put you on your favorite easy chair ... "
	“…You haven’t seen my apartment after the renovation yet: new wallpaper, paintings on the walls, an aquarium in the corner, a music center…”

Test #3

You came to your boss to ask him for a raise. Different bosses need different arguments. Determine for each phrase, on the bosses, what type it will work best.

	statement	It will work better on bosses with the type of interests ...
	“... All the equipment is on me: computers, faxes, telephones, printers, scanners, consumables. And the amount of all this goodness is increasing and increasing ... "
	“... I have to wander all over the country, either to Arkhangelsk, then to Yekaterinburg, then to St. Petersburg ... I already know these cities better than my own home ...”
	“... Now I have to work a lot with VIP clients: with Elena Vladimirovna, with Arkady Petrovich, with Ivan Vasilyevich ... They are complex people, you know yourself ...”
	“... I arrive at 9 am, I leave at 8 pm ... I often have to work on weekends ... if I have a vacation, then it’s no more than a week ...”
	“... First I find clients, then I persuade them to buy, then I sign the contract, I fiddle with papers, then I arrange transportation, then I solve warranty issues ... the process is complicated, God forbid, where you make a mistake ... "
	“… the principle is simple: you pay more, I work more and better… as a result of the results of my work, again, you get more money…”

Right answers:

		Values
	Values		Values

If you answered more than half of the test questions correctly, then congratulations! We can assume that you have mastered such a difficult topic as “typology of interests”!

It remains only to wish: often use the knowledge gained in practice. And then you will be an ideal interlocutor who knows how to pick up the key to any person.

To be interesting to other people, you need constant self-improvement and development. Constantly learn something new, study, travel, broaden your horizons. With an erudite person there is always something to talk about, he is always interesting. Find a hobby for yourself. It doesn't matter what it will be: painting or diving, dancing or gardening. At the very least, you will always be of interest to those who share your passion. In addition, a passionate person who devotes himself to his hobby often becomes successful, gains recognition and respect in society. And success will make you interesting to a huge number of people. Be a versatile person. A deep passion for one thing should not make you a one-sided person. Take an interest in art, sports, music, astronomy, literature, etc. Learning something new is necessary throughout life, the only way to avoid the degradation of the individual. Share your knowledge with others - this is the point of communicating with interesting people! Bernard Shaw said it best of all: “If we exchange apples, then you and I will have one apple each. If we exchange ideas, then you and I will have two ideas.” The desire for new knowledge is inherent in people. And if you are the source of this knowledge, interest in you will not dry up. Learn to express your thoughts beautifully, present information competently, and you will provide yourself with an audience of grateful listeners who listen to your every word and consider you a very interesting person. Accept and love yourself the way you are. Each personality is interesting in its own way, "the whole Universe is hidden in each person." Look at yourself from the outside, identify your strengths and develop them. Do not hide your talents and achievements from people. And some flaws can be made part of your unique image. Do not be afraid to have an opinion on everything and defend it if necessary. Many people are afraid to stand out and prefer to be part of the crowd all their lives. Take risks, find your way, fall and rise again. The richer your life experience, the more interesting you are to others. Use your sense of humor. Wit and ease of communication is the most reliable way to gain fans and friends. Anyone who knows how to joke in time and defuse the situation never gets bored alone. Smile, make others smile, and you will always be in the spotlight!

An interesting personality is attractive to others. It is pleasant to communicate with a bright, outstanding, versatile person. Such an individual knows how to listen and keep up the conversation, he impresses with his charisma and love of life, has an excellent sense of humor and attracts other people. If you want to become such a person, study the basic qualities of interesting people.

Development

To be an interesting conversationalist, you need to constantly learn something new. Be curious, study the questions that interest you, broaden your horizons. Just think how many things in the world deserve attention, and at the same time how often you can meet boring, narrow-minded people. Do not be like them, study, travel, engage in self-development.

Find your calling. A charismatic person strives for self-realization. You can express yourself through work or hobbies. If you find a professional field where your talents are useful, or if you are interested in some kind of activity in your spare time, then you can infect other people with your own enthusiasm.

Interesting are those people who love their work and are happy to plunge into it with their heads.

Try to be versatile. Pay attention to all your talents and abilities. Limited people are not as much of interest to others as addicted people.

The Art of Conversation

Learn to share your knowledge and experience. Become a great conversationalist. To do this, you need to improve in the ability to speak and the art of listening.

To become a good storyteller, you need to learn how to beautifully, correctly and accurately express your own thoughts. Reading good literature and constant practice in writing and speaking will help you master this talent.

In addition, you should learn to notice interesting details, become more attentive.

In the ability to listen, eye contact with the interlocutor and, again, attentiveness will help you, as well as demonstrating that you understand the person. Of course, you do not need to interrupt the speaker.

self-acceptance

The person who, first of all, accepts himself becomes attractive to others. Try to see in yourself first of all advantages. It is better to forget about the shortcomings that you cannot correct.

Self-respect, sincere self-love, self-acceptance makes a person worthy of love by others. Be a self-sufficient person, and people will reach out to you. Strong people who are not looking for approval, but for simple communication, are truly interesting to others.

Under any circumstances, try to be yourself. Don't betray your principles by blindly following the crowd. Learn to defend your own point of view. Learn to resist undesirable influence and manipulation, preserve your identity. A charismatic person lives in harmony with himself and is not afraid to follow the chosen path.

How to become an interesting person for others? Concentrate on your own individuality and do not try to copy someone. Many people who want to become more interesting for others are forgotten, being obsessed with their desire. And they begin to imitate their ideal, and not always successfully, completely forgetting about their own uniqueness. And this is the main mistake of many people.

Self-development

If a person has thought about how to become an interesting person for others, then it is likely that he is not too versatile. And there is? Then you need to start actively working on yourself. In self-development, the main point is concentration on your goals and desires, as well as the constant acquisition of new knowledge to achieve them.

This process is impossible without self-knowledge, which involves the study of one's personal characteristics (both physical and mental). It is very important for each person to comprehend himself, after which - to establish himself in those areas of life that are most significant for him. And the more there are, the better. Everything is simple here. The more spheres of manifestation of his personality a person has, the wider his horizons will become, the richer his inner world, the richer the baggage of knowledge. Personality is like a picture. The more details it contains, the more interesting it is to study.

Popular issue

If a person is concerned about how to become an interesting person for others, most likely he simply does not know how to communicate. The lack of communication skills manifests itself in different ways. Some talk about something completely ordinary, uninteresting or banal. Others do not pay attention to the interlocutor, not allowing a word to be inserted. Some simply do not know what to say, and therefore all their speeches fall out of place. The rest do not know either measure or tact, and constantly strive to “get into” the dialogue.

And these are not all examples. But the solution for all cases is the same: you need to learn how to communicate.

Proper dialogue

Well, how to become an interesting person for others? You need to learn how to talk to them! It's not that difficult, just remember a few rules and follow them.

First, you have to be genuinely interested in others. People are more willing to communicate with those who show interest in them. And in most cases, they show it in response, giving the interlocutor the opportunity to open up.

Second, don't be afraid to smile. But only sincerely, not falsely! A kind smile puts the interlocutor to you. In addition, she shows him that communication with him is a pleasure and joy.

Thirdly, it is necessary to call the opponent by name. It seemed to be a simple and ordinary thing. But many have long since replaced their names with "you". And in vain. After all, the name expresses individuality.

Also, if a person is interested in something, people, he should learn to listen. The manifestation of attention is the most powerful tool of influence. In the process of the opponent's monologue, questions, clarifications, and manifestations of emotions should not be neglected. This demonstrates indifference. Today a person listened to his interlocutor, and tomorrow he will pay attention to him.

Manifestation of the best qualities

How to become an interesting person? There are a variety of tips, but most of the recommendations say: you need to be careful and notice every little thing. With any person there is something to talk about, the main thing is to find a topic, the source of which is the interlocutor himself. You just need to look at him. Did you notice a few hairs on his T-shirt? Then you should casually ask if the interlocutor has a cat. He will immediately become interested in the interlocutor - he will at least be intrigued by the observation of a person. And then the theme can be developed. This is where erudition and erudition are needed. People who know a lot are able to easily and imperceptibly move from one topic to another and reason in such a way that it will not be boring. With them, the dialogue rarely comes to a standstill. But even if everything has already been discussed, they have a trump card. And these are questions. Those that can cause a new round of dialogue.

It is enough just to ask what else, in addition to what was agreed, the interlocutor is fond of, or what he would like to do. Even without keeping questions in mind in reserve, you can always find your bearings. The question should only show the interlocutor its importance. Few people do not like to talk about themselves. The main thing is to be sincerely interested in them.

Personal opinion

There is one more nuance that every person who cares about how to become more interesting should learn. Tips and recommendations are numerous, and most of them say: you need to remember your own opinion. A person who has a personal point of view regarding something is always of interest if his judgment is objective, justified and reasoned. A person who is able to clearly, competently and easily explain to others his understanding of something, desire and emotions is a valuable interlocutor.

And here it is important, first of all, to be able to correctly express your thoughts. Opinions are often shared with people who have different ideas about certain things. Therefore, it is necessary to build an explanation in such a way that everyone understands the essence and feels the sensation experienced by the opponent.

But that's not all. It is also important not to be afraid to speak up. Some prefer to remain silent or simply agree in convenient situations. But this quality does not distinguish personality. A person is made more interesting and colorful by the ability to speak out, especially if he does it competently.

Positive

Cheerful people always have to themselves. This must be remembered if a person is interested in how to become an interesting person. With a good sense of humor, you definitely won't have to go to waste. After all, this is a valuable human ability to find something comical in almost every situation.

Plus, it is the ability to joke (and at the right time) that makes the soul of the company out of the personality. Such people are cheerful and funny, do not hesitate to seem funny, and it is not difficult for them to defuse the situation with an appropriate anecdote or witticism.

How to develop this skill in yourself? You need to constantly practice, learn from famous comedians, joke about yourself and laugh at problems. And don't stress too much. It is usually only in a relaxed state that an appropriate joke comes to mind. If a person sits in suspense and actively thinks about what to say so witty, it usually turns out not very well.

openness

How to become an interesting person? For men and women who want to appear socially more attractive, there is another universal piece of advice. They should be more open, which is sometimes difficult for many.

Socially open people are sociable and sincere. They share their thoughts, feelings and experiences with others. They do not have an internal barrier that could prevent them from being with people as they are. They do not hide their inner world. And that's what makes them interesting. They can be compared with an open interesting book that you want to read as soon as possible. People are attracted to such people. After all, many of them often themselves would like to become so open.

How to become such a person? Very simple. You need to get rid of masks, stereotypes and stop worrying about what others will say. Then the person will become not only more open, but also happier.

Sometimes we do everything for others. We spend so much energy, we give everything of ourselves. And in response? No thanks! Is it really that hard to just say "thank you"?

Perhaps you should not do good deeds for people, because they would never do something like me? Tired. It's time to be the same. As they are to me, so am I to them.

Every time we come to this conclusion. We have already read a large amount of literature, where they are taught to say “no”. But as soon as someone once again asks us for something, and we undertake to fulfill his request, completely forgetting all the memorized advice. It is better to agree than later to experience a heavy sense of guilt and suffer from the fact that you are not loved.

You do something for a person, and for a moment it becomes easier. And then a feeling of resentment and injustice arises, an understanding comes that the act done was contrary to our own interests. We were used again and forgotten.

It seems that it has always been like this, since childhood. Everyone is just waiting to use our kindness and reliability for their own purposes. It's time to stop this. It's time to learn to say no! But how to do that? How to become bad?

Who is a good girl?

Before answering these questions, we need to understand why this is happening? Why are some people unable to refuse any request, trying their best to please others?

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan calls this behavior complex good girl. As this science of the mental explains, this complex is inherent in the owners of the anal-visual bundle of vectors.

A vector is a set of innate properties and desires of a person, which is responsible for his preferences, way of thinking, value system and behavior. A modern person has an average of three to five vectors. Some of them create stable bonds that manifest themselves in certain life scenarios.

There are people whom nature has awarded with a phenomenal memory. They are necessary for humanity to accumulate the acquired experience and knowledge and pass them on to future generations. They become good teachers and teachers, professionals in their field, experts. We are talking about people with an anal vector.

These are responsible, decent people who want to be good in everything. And people with an anal-visual bundle of vectors especially. In childhood, these are the most obedient, "golden" children.

Firstly, for children with a visual vector, more than for anyone else, emotional ties with their mother are important, so they are ready for anything, so long as these ties are not interrupted. These are very emotional children who can hardly stand their mother's coldness or neglect.

Secondly, the value of the anal vector is a positive assessment of actions, praise, especially from the mother, because the mother is no less valuable for them. Therefore, they make every effort to please their mother and receive well-deserved praise.

But sometimes adults abuse praise, praise undeservedly or, on the contrary, do not praise deservedly, using for their own purposes the child's desire to be good in everything. By resorting to the manipulation of praise, parents develop in their child an endorphin addiction to it. Such a person, even in adulthood, will strive to please others in everything.

We are all different

The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan says that for a person with an anal vector, it is important that everything be equal, fair. If he did something, made efforts, then these efforts should be appreciated.

We look at other people through ourselves, we believe that what is valuable and important for us is just as important for other people. For example, praise and gratitude are valuable to us, and we believe that this is the case for everyone. But for others, it may be very different.

For example, people with a skin vector are not used to saying "thank you", because they act from a position of benefit-benefit. The best gratitude for them is expressed by something material. And people with a sound vector in serious conditions may not hear us at all, not pay any attention to others.

When people don't behave the way we expect, we resent them. We do not understand how you can not thank or praise for a good deed. resentment do not let us live in peace.

But at the same time, when it seems to us that we are doing too much for people, that it is time to stop, and denying something, a heavy feeling of guilt flares up in us. Even when we do something not good enough for others, we feel uncomfortable. Life turns out in constant distortions: at first we are offended by the fact that we are being used, then we suffer from guilt that we did not. This causes great discomfort and ruins life.

In the visual vector, the reason for the desire to please everyone may also be the increased importance of emotional connections. People with an anal-visual bundle of vectors may feel that if they are not kind and good to everyone, they will not be loved, which is a lot of stress for them.

How to find a way out

We cannot change ourselves or others. What to do? How to live with it? Becoming bad is not a way out. After all, this will not solve the problem, but only worsen our condition.

The way out is shown by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. First of all, you need to understand yourself, your desires and aspirations. Realizing where the need for someone else's approval came from, we begin to understand what drives us at such moments. And we, not needing praise, do not strive to please everyone. We also begin to love ourselves, and not seek love and approval from everyone in relation to ourselves.

At the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, childhood traumas are worked out, the mechanisms of our behavior become clear, the good girl complex disappears. This is evidenced by the opinions of people who have completed the training.

Everyday communication is an integral part of our lives. The ability to maintain a conversation is a necessary skill for any person. Some people are so bright and cheerful that they have and attract others to them, like a magnet. However, not every one of us knows how to become an interesting conversationalist. But if you are pleasant in communication, you can have good prospects in your life, not only in the field of acquaintances and friendship, but also in career growth.

How to become an interesting person and interlocutor?

To understand how to become a good and pleasant conversationalist, it is worth considering some recommendations regarding this issue.

Reading books is a very useful activity for self-development. Also, thanks to him, our speech becomes much richer, and much more interesting. Try to read more encyclopedias and memorize some interesting and fascinating facts. In conversations, this can be very useful, and you can keep up the conversation on any topic.

A better understanding of others will help the study of books on psychology. How to Win Friends and Influence People? Dale Carnegie will teach you how to easily and freely apply the principles of psychology in everyday communication with different people.