First of all, trust is confidence in a person and in his actions. There are always two sides to trust, and a person can always get something that is not what they originally wanted. In psychology, the term trust is interpreted as a state of a person in which he consciously becomes dependent on another person whom he trusts.

Absolutely any relationship between people is built on trust to each other. Whether it is relationships with unfamiliar people on the street, when asking for help, or communication with loved ones. Trust always carries certain risks for a person., he can be understood or, conversely, rejected. Each person entering a state of trust in people must take into account a few simple factors:

Trust is a change in distance

Opening his experiences to someone, a person automatically changes his distance, he becomes closer. It is not surprising that people do not trust their problems and thoughts to people they are insecure about. Quite simply, they keep their distance from them.

Every person who wants to improve relationships with people must remember the rule - if you want to change relationships with people, learn to trust. Naturally, you can not try to get close to other people, not open up and not trust, but, for example, wait for the moment when people themselves begin to reach out and be the first to open their experiences. But it is worth remembering that trust is often mutual. "I trust - trust me."

A person who decides to trust should understand that there is a kind of degree of risk when he may be misunderstood or even rejected in his revealed experiences.

Degrees of risk

By trusting people with their experiences, the person himself becomes to some extent vulnerable. Having experienced failure once, he risks shutting down and become distrustful of others. Trusting the closest, a person can get negative experiences, experience pain and disappointment because he expected a different reaction. Thus, we can say that trust is a kind of lottery in which a person can win or lose.

If a person is dependent on the opinion of the outside and his self-conceit is small, then the degree of trust in people may be higher. For example, a person who does not know how to act in a given situation often seeks someone to ask for advice, whom to trust. Degree of risk Trust can have two directions:

• determined by the state from within;
• be determined by the readiness of a person for undesirable reactions.

Whatever it is, if learn to assess the degree of risk, then you can avoid many unpleasant situations both for yourself and for others. After all, to trust or not is the responsibility of the person himself. No one can predict what the other person's reaction to trust will be.

To trust a person means to be ready for any reaction.

Can learn to control your emotions and feelings but you can't control the other person. Most often, trusting, a person expects that his experiences will be perceived positively, they will respond to them and always help. But the point is that to trust means to be ready for any reaction, even not the most expected one.

So, for example, a girl telling her friend that she is pregnant expects a positive reaction from her, congratulations and discussions about plans for the future. But in fact, the reaction of a friend cannot be predicted, she can both be happy and upset, and these will be her experiences.

In order for the reaction to trust not to cause frustration and discouragement, it is necessary to be ready for negative reactions and accept that a person may not always respond the way he would like.

What is distrust?

Distrust is the easiest path to loneliness. It is impossible to build any normal relationship if there is no trust in each other. Mistrust is a protective reaction of a person who is unsure of people and their reactions to their actions. If you look and look for the roots of distrust, then most likely the reaction comes from a person’s own insecurity in himself, fear of being rejected, deceived, not accepted. Refusing to trust, a person closes, thereby trying to protect himself from negative experiences. There are several reasons for distrust:

• False;
• betrayal;
• failure to fulfill promises;
• envy.

Distrust can come from a person's family. When a small child opens up to his parents, he shows them his fragile soul. If parents overestimated, punished or humiliated a child in his desire to be open, then in adulthood such a person will avoid trust, realizing that those closest to him can hurt, what to speak of strangers.

Why should people be trusted?

As already said - distrust leads to loneliness. Man is a social being who requires relationships in order to function normally. Without society there would be no man himself. Lack of communication and trust in people leads to loneliness and reclusion. While trust can easily turn into distrust, it's worth talking about the positives.

Trust allows you to build strong and harmonious relationships between people. People who want to build comfortable friendships definitely need to trust each other, because this the only way to get closer and get to know a person better. By revealing his experiences to another, a person unconsciously includes him in his life.

Whose side is the government on? To trust or not to trust?

At first glance, it may seem that people who choose not to trust are less vulnerable to society. Nobody knows anything about them, they do not open their experiences and, in principle, do not tell anything about themselves. But there is a downside, such people do not have the power to approach people on their own initiative.

It turns out that the one who trusts others can freely change the distance in a relationship - moving closer and further away. Such people tend to have more power in relationships because they have more choice.

Ways to learn to trust people

Only careful work on oneself will help a person increase confidence in others. Exists a few tips that can help a person become more open:

• Believe in yourself and increase your self-esteem. No matter how strange it may sound, but when a person is confident in himself and nothing offends him, he can calmly endure criticism or rejection from relatives or friends.
• Learn to share responsibility. In relationships with another person, it is important to understand the boundaries of your responsibility and his. You should not predict his actions and expect the reaction you want to get.

Be sincere and tell the person that you want to trust them, but you are worried that you will be criticized.

• At once mark the boundaries saying, for example, that when you speak up, you want support from the person, not criticism. In this way, you can create a kind of verbal contract, which will help improve mutual trust.
• Be honest with yourself, understand what exactly you want to receive from a person. Sometimes behind the desire to trust is the desire to receive sympathy or pity from the interlocutor. If a person wants to trust, he says: "I want to trust," and if he complains: "I want to complain." A different context carries a different reaction of a person, for example, trusting, we want to be listened to and understood. While complaining, we want to shed some of the negative emotions, and hear words of support and sympathy.

To trust or not is the responsibility of each person. If you want to connect with people and build harmonious friendships, then you can, even need to trust. The main principle in this matter is to be good. If you don’t want to trust people at all, but it’s so comfortable, then you don’t have to worry, but live in peace in this state, and if the time comes, then try to change the situation for the better.

And if, on the contrary, there is a desire to get close to people and make new acquaintances, but it doesn’t work out, then there is a problem and it needs to be solved. And in order to solve the problem, you can use the above tips.

Some people tend to trust others until they receive strong evidence of their unreliability and insincerity. Others choose to be wary from the start. Both are perfectly normal: incredulity can protect the human psyche from strong shocks associated with disappointments and deceit. “However, it happens that this defense is generalized, that is, it begins to manifest itself always and indiscriminately,” says cognitive psychologist and psychotherapist Alexei Lunkov. “Then distrust no longer protects a person, but controls him, dooming him to loneliness and isolation.” Distrust can develop into a social phobia that prevents a person from not only starting a relationship, but also simply leaving the house.

Incredulity in inheritance

The tendency to distrust usually begins in childhood. Children are completely dependent on adults and are simply forced to trust them. However, as soon as the mother hesitates a little and does not immediately respond to the call, the child begins to suspect her of a lack of love for him. Angry at his mother, he attributes his own irritation to her, laying the ground for future mistrust. Austro-German psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, who first studied this phenomenon, believed that such experiences are natural, unless they subjugate the entire emotional life of the child. Having matured, he will be able to calmly accept the duality of his attitude towards others: he will learn to put up with the fact that a momentary suspicion of a loved one does not at all exclude trust and love for him. Parents should be careful: their own fears, especially those presented overly emotionally, can reinforce the child's natural tendency to be distrustful. “Don’t get too carried away with warnings like “Don’t trust everyone,” warns Alexey Lunkov. - Of course, for the safety of the child, such recommendations are necessary, but they must be voiced calmly, avoiding frightening wording. It is better to say: "Be careful when you communicate with strangers", "Try to be careful."

"I thought I was being lied to"

“My trouble is that I double-check everything ten times, I can’t rely on anyone. This pathological distrust spoils the life of myself and my loved ones. I went to a psychotherapist and he helped me figure out the origins of the problem. When I was 10 years old, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I was very scared, and the young doctor kept saying: “Don’t be afraid, baby, everything will be fine!” The operation was unsuccessful, I miraculously survived, and the words of the surgeon were remembered as a cruel deception. Now I'm trying to realize that it was an isolated case, and not at all a consequence of some immutable law of being. I am undergoing a course of body-oriented therapy. Making simple gestures, for example, reaching out to another person, meeting and seeing him off with a movement of my head, I learn anew to open up to people, to trust them.

Pavel, 34 years old, deputy director of the company

It is useless to prove to an incredulous person that you are not going to deceive him. Even if by some miracle you manage to convince him of the purity of your intentions, the slightest wrong step - and in his eyes you will turn out to be the worst of deceivers. At the same time, ignoring this person's inherent hypersensitivity to other people's forgetfulness or optionality, you will only strengthen his low opinion of people.

You should not count on the fact that, thanks to communication with you, a distrustful person will get used to the imperfections of others and will gradually learn to respond more flexibly and adequately. The only way to defeat his suspiciousness is each time to kindly and as convincingly as possible explain the true motives of your actions that upset him so much.

Excessive idealism

Already in adulthood, total distrust can arise on the basis of one’s own unpleasant experience: a colleague framed, an old friend betrayed, a loved one deceived ... “Those who idealize relationships between people and live in captivity of their illusions are too distrustful,” says Alexey Lunkov. Excessively demanding of others, they perceive any oversight as a betrayal. Negative experience leads them to unfair global generalizations: "He left me, which means that all men are scoundrels." Sometimes incredulity can become an obsession: "No one is worthy of my trust - there are only enemies around." However, by blaming others, we often unconsciously try to avoid unpleasant thoughts about our own imperfection.

“Relationships with another person are always a risk,” Alexey Lunkov continues. - The first impression will change, and our feelings will have to pass a serious test of strength. But in order to realize and accept this risk, self-confidence is necessary, otherwise any failure will become a reason for despair. Consistent rejection of close relationships, a priori confidence that we are surrounded by only envious and ill-wishers, as a rule, testify to one thing: we simply do not have enough faith in ourselves.

What to do

Determine the cause

The unwillingness to trust people is often associated with our painful experience. Having restored it in detail in memory, we will understand that the danger came from one particular person who really abused our trust in the past, and not at all from all people in principle.

Remember positive experiences

In the life of each of us there were real friends, allies, like-minded people. Remembering the good, you will see the relativity of any assessment: not everyone you meet is necessarily an envious person or a villain, and you yourself are not at all doomed to the role of a victim.

be realistic

Not all men think only about sex, not all women only need money, not all bosses are soulless exploiters... Get rid of prejudice and give another chance to show their best side. Perhaps a person who is not able to keep other people's secrets will turn out to be a good worker or an excellent adviser.

Don't start with accusations

It happens that a person betrays your trust. But is he always aware of the harm that his act has done to you? Instead of immediately accusing him of bad intentions, it is better to talk frankly with him. Did he give out the secret on purpose? Does he realize that his constant lateness causes you inconvenience? Trust is born in dialogue.

Hello Daulet! Thank you for the frank letter, as far as it became possible for you. Reading it, a causal factor is traced, that is, at first you write that you are a secretive person, do not reveal your feelings, do not show your emotions, and besides you, no one knows what is happening to you? And then, how can your parents - hear you and learn about your desires? And maybe not right away, but change your point of view, taking into account your position, and this is about adulthood! And if this is not in their field, then they certainly behave, focusing on their worldview!? And if you started talking about your needs, your intentions, feelings, thoughts, etc., then it would be important here - not their response and feelings, but the fact that you manifest yourself: your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, draw your own boundaries, and talk about your needs. You even decided for your parents yourself: « I didn't want to do it, but I was hurt to upset my parents, I don’t want my parents to suffer or worry about me.” How do you know how they would behave and feel? And even if your interests diverge, then everyone has the right to talk about what is in his soul and what each of you is interested in, unless, of course, these are close and significant people, like relationships!? Then a DIALOGUE is possible, and there is a possibility of a change in the situation, if not immediately, but over time! Even if the parents hear you and stand their ground, they will still have what you said in their hearts and minds, and if your parents are not despots, then it is important for them that their child becomes happy!!! And it could have been different, that is, having heard you - they would have said - “Why don’t you talk about your desires? Please - go where you want, just take responsibility for your choice! When you ignore your true intentions and needs, and do not even declare or talk about them, then your life energy is suppressed and fades away .., hence the loss of the meaning of life! I will not philosophize with you about the meaning of life, because I know little about you personally: how old are you? What are you studying to be? Who would you like to become? What are your hobbies or interests? Why do you have no confidence in life? (Although I have a hypothesis that you do not trust yourself?) What are you doing that in your life - every day - the same thing? Since, for me personally, every day is different, with different manifestations of feelings, different needs, new meetings, or meetings with relatives and (or) friends, and everyone has had some changes, etc. It feels like you're not meeting yourself! It seems to you that you know everything about yourself, as well as what is outside, but in fact - you are afraid to present yourself true, just as it is scary to get a response, because it really is unknown! And it seems to me that you are alone, even inside yourself. I would really like it to be different! Therefore, at first, you really need professional support from a psychologist, and if it is difficult to find a good specialist in your city, then you can contact this site and get an online consultation. And read at the end of my article "Awareness in Gestalt Therapy" 9 commandments leading to true existence. If there is interest, then other articles. All the best. Sincerely, Ludmila K.

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Don't trust anyone... It would seem that such a belief can make your life much easier. But it is not so. Lack of trust can lead to many problems, including the inability to maintain a relationship. But if you trust too much, you make yourself vulnerable and you run the risk of being disappointed.

The postulate of trust: confidence in the reliability of a person, in his honesty. It becomes difficult if distrust has become the norm for you. But the fact is that when we build too high a wall around ourselves, we doom ourselves to seclusion and complete loneliness.

The feeling of trust appears in childhood.

At different stages of his life, the child evaluates our emotions and tries to understand how they change. Our foundation for the emergence of trust is laid in childhood one of the first. Most often, problems with trust in others appear early in childhood, as a direct result of improper relationships with parents.

Children who do not receive enough attention, care, affection, participation in their lives of their parents are likely to have problems in the future, it will probably be problematic for them to build relationships. This further affects children who live in dysfunctional families, as their perception of healthy relationships is greatly distorted.

Problems with trust in people can develop at any stage of life due to various circumstances.

Difficulties with trust are not only related to negative experiences in childhood, they can indeed appear at any age.

Adolescence is another stage in the mental, intellectual and spiritual development of a person. Adolescents who have been bullied or teased at school or at home may develop distrust of their peers, as they have low self-esteem, which, in turn, is the basis of the ability and ability to trust others.

Psychological trauma due to any events in life, including in adulthood, can seriously affect the inner world of a person. Events such as illness or the loss of a loved one. Such a person experiences frustration and will have to accept new emotions and circumstances of life, such as losing control of the situation and realizing the impossibility of always being safe. The most brutal examples of such events, such as sexual rape or the use of physical force, can permanently deprive a person of the ability to trust. The most common problems with this can develop at any time.

Personality problems can spill over into normal, healthy relationships due to childhood trauma that has not been worked through. It is more likely that the relationship will develop according to an unhealthy scenario, and the person will endlessly engage in soul-searching. The one who has been deceived will most likely be sure that no one can be trusted, if you do not respond to such a person within five seconds, he will regard this as a deception, that something is wrong here.

Of course, in the modern world it is difficult to trust everyone around you in advance. Due to the illusion of self-adoration, diversity and brightness of life, actively promoted on social networks, there is not much room for sincerity and romance.

It may surprise you, but a cheater in a relationship is usually someone who has trust issues. There are not many real reasons why people lie, although some of them are understandable, but this does not mean that lying is the right way.

Usually people tend to cheat when they feel insecure, they are haunted by the feeling that their partner can do the same. And in order not to be disappointed, they seem to be one step ahead of you, which gives them the feeling that the situation is supposedly under control.

There is a direct link between trust issues and mental health.

Perhaps the biggest trust issues come from post-traumatic stress disorder. Many people who went through the war experienced the consequences of psychological trauma in civilian life.

Many of these people feel that they have not received enough support from the government or friends, thus sacrificing themselves. This difficult experience leaves people with many questions, including trust.

Often, the presence of trust problems coexists with many additional factors. This is dislike in childhood, and humiliation, and traumatic experience of physical abuse, that is, trust problems do not come from nowhere. These additional factors can help determine the origins of the problem.

Although trust has been lost, it can still be regained.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for this problem. Deep-rooted problems with the ability to trust come from early experiences during your development as a person. But this is not the end. This can be dealt with.

Therapy is the most effective way to heal.

It should be your first method of dealing with this disease. I know that you may not like it, and you think that psychotherapy is only for some crazy people. But it's not. You just have small psychological problems, and you may not even know what caused them.

Talking to a psychologist can be incredibly helpful because eventually you will be able to look inside yourself and bring to the surface events or emotions that are forgotten or driven deep into the subconscious. This is useful both for a single person and, for example, for spouses who are experiencing relationship problems. Just because the previous partner did more for you, you should not assume that all others are the same angry, insecure people. Talk to them. Tell them about your feelings. You may think that you will be perceived as a whiner, but this is not so, openness is much more attractive than persecution mania, self-doubt, blaming others and living in the position of a resentful person. Tell your partner how you feel and what you think about it. If he is ready to understand and help you, then this is your person. If the person does not care about your difficulties, then leave him and move on.

Moving on sometimes means letting go rather than holding on. If you get stuck in place, it will be a road to nowhere. Sometimes not everything is in your head. Sometimes you gain wisdom from your past experiences. Your lack of trust may not have made you cynical, but more cautious in dealing with people. You can be happy regardless of your beliefs.

Our brains are working at a tremendous speed trying to figure out if your partner is telling you the truth. It's time to stop this. Everything must go on as usual, otherwise you will simply lose time, suspecting everyone of a lie. You deserve simple, human happiness, in the end, you will meet that person who will not make you doubt every little thing.