Tatyana Sharanda
practical psychologist
family and marriage consultant
head of the psychological development center

The role of words is not so important, they are absorbed only by 7%

- What problems in communication in a couple come to you most often?

- Usually these are family conflicts related to the full participation of one of the spouses (mainly the father) in the upbringing of children and the division of household responsibilities. Also, the excessive participation of the parents of one of the partners in the life of a young couple. And, of course, financial difficulties and emotional coldness of a husband or wife are not in last place.

- In your opinion, what question should you ask yourself in order to understand what the possible problem of misunderstanding is?

“Actually, there are several. To clarify why a fight broke out in a conversation, ask yourself:

• Was it really so urgent to solve a specific issue, or could it be postponed to the next day? Perhaps, with a fresh mind, he would have fallen off on his own?
• Did I really want to communicate, or was it just a desire to shed my negativity?
• What was the message in my tone of voice?
• Is the purpose of the communication clearly communicated?
• Do I speak the right language with my partner (do I express myself clearly and communicate my thoughts)?

It is worth remembering that there is no template for an ideal couple and ideal relationships. But you can create them together. Harmony is when people accept each other, know how to give in, when it’s not boring and good together, and if difficulties come, a man and a woman talk to each other and try to find the best solution to the problem.

Mutual understanding is both joint work and work on oneself. Conflicts happen. And they are necessary and important in the development of relations.

- What signals do partners give each other unconsciously in a conversation?

There are two forms of communication: verbal(voice - assimilated by the interlocutor by 38%, words - by 7%) and non-verbal(body language - assimilated by 55%). Let's take a closer look.

Tone of voice. It was found that the lower the tone of a person's voice, the greater the credibility of his words. So, for example, a speech delivered by a male speaker is remembered better than the same information delivered by a woman.

High tone is associated with possible lies. It is also interesting that the male brain processes the female voice as a complex piece of music. After all, ladies tend to change intonation more often in accordance with their emotions, transform the timbre and rhythm of pauses, which is why such cooing is perceived almost like a real Beethoven symphony! Consequently, fast female babble with a high tonality in itself can cause a certain overload of the male brain.

– Research data confirm that the most attractive in communication is a smooth, measured and calm manner of speech. Try to follow this advice so that your partner understands the meaning of your message as much as possible.

The speaker's emotions are betrayed by the left side of his face

— Language of the body. These are gestures and postures (open and closed, sexual body signals). When communicating, we all pay attention to the facial expressions of the speaker. Especially on the eyes. It has been observed that a person lies when he meets his partner's gaze for less than 1/3 of the time of communication. The main information load is carried by the eyebrows and the area around the mouth. The left side of the face expresses emotions most vividly. If you do not trust someone, pay attention to this particular zone. For example, a skewed smile is always insincerity.

Posture, gait and distance give a very accurate description of the emotional-volitional qualities of a person.

The non-verbal form of communication also includes the color and style of clothing, jewelry, makeup, and the shape of the hairstyle. Saturated-bright shades signal a desire to attract attention. However, if you are going to an interview, I do not advise you to choose bright colors, especially red, which is likely to cause rejection from the employer. By the way, the color variety in clothes can also speak of the emotional instability of a person.

Here are some more external clues:

• The classic style of clothing suggests an already established personality with its own picture of the world.
• Makeup in the form of "war paint" speaks for itself - assertiveness, emotionality, achieving the goal at any cost.
• Smoothly combed and tightly tied hair - strong self-control.
• Loose hair - freedom of emotions.
• A sloppy hairstyle that opens the neck is a sexual signal.

The ability to read information about the state of a partner is a great art. And, of course, it helps a lot to avoid sharp corners and quickly extinguish conflicts.

It is useful to relieve unnecessary emotions before a conversation.

- If you don’t like something, it worries you, how can you calmly and without scandals explain this to the second half?

- If possible, then delay the start of the conversation: take a shower, sleep, have a snack, drink tea, take a walk, and so on. Remember what Scarlett said in Gone with the Wind: "I'll think about it tomorrow." Maybe you just got emotional. You should never make momentary decisions and chop off your shoulder.

In the case when the issue needs to be resolved quickly, but the inner feelings are very strong, take 5-7 breaths and exhalations through the nose and a longer exhalation through the mouth.

Try to shift the focus of attention through bodily sensations: squeeze your fingers, hug yourself tightly, tense your whole body several times, box, mentally imagining a punching bag, rinse your face and hands with cold water, even a mint or chewing gum that needs to be chewed with effort will help. In a word, it is important to bodily relieve anxiety - this is the most effective and fastest way to calm down. Only then start a dialogue. Otherwise, the risk of a nervous breakdown, talking in raised tones, and so on is too high.

- If the conflict is still in full swing, is there an opportunity to effectively extinguish it?

There are two ways to end a conflict:

1. direct, directive: get up and leave or suddenly agree abruptly. You can, of course, ignore the partner's cry until he or she speaks out, but for this you need to have a strong nervous system.

2. Indirect(hidden impact): to joke, to make "sips", to slip something tasty, to hug your partner sharply, that is, to do something that is certainly not expected of you at the moment. It's confusing.

And a very effective method is to meaningfully, slowly and accurately repeat the partner’s claim. The person calms down (after all, he was heard), and you have the opportunity to speak out.

Think about non-verbal cues. Look down - this is the movement of a person who feels guilty, and "a guilty head is not chopped twice." Demonstrate your attention to the words of the interlocutor - listen and nod your head at the same time, making it clear that you understand everything. And here it doesn’t matter if you nod because you agree, or just let you know that you hear the interlocutor. All these movements calm the partner, bring him into balance with himself.

People from childhood learn to put a protective screen in front of them.

- Is it possible to bypass the conflict even at its inception?

- The starting point for the emergence of future conflicts is our childhood. Thanks to childhood trauma, each person learns to put on masks and defend himself, because our primary task is to survive.

Some talk a lot and quickly, others are silent, someone constantly smiles on duty, just in case, behaves cloyingly politely and kindly with everyone. Others are rude and rude, not understanding who is in front of them. Lots of options. But all these reactions are just a screen. The screen behind which we hide ourselves.

However, sooner or later the time of love comes. When we fall in love, we believe that we are loved for who we are. But, as a rule, we ourselves do not know what we really are, so we confidently demonstrate our usual masks to each other.

Romantic feelings make a person think of the object of love as a real ideal without flaws. To seem better, he himself tries to be a fairy-tale hero for his partner and shows the best qualities. In this romantic moment, the commitment to marriage is just as magical and effortless. But time goes by. And the snow-white yacht called "Family" more and more often stumbles upon the underwater reefs of everyday life, breaking unjustified expectations. The ground for conflict is ready.

And yet the scandal itself does not break out in an instant. It is prepared in stages, collected in small portions. There is a so-called pre-conflict stage. It is characterized by the accumulation of contradictions among partners that are not voiced or voiced, but no specific actions are taken to neutralize them.

The number of claims is growing. There is a process of accumulation of grievances and deterioration of relations. The main area where tension is felt is the sexual aspect, where formalism cannot be present.

Such a pre-conflict stage can exist for a long time without developing into a conflict. If partners during this period manage to rise above emotions, sit down at a round table, voice their claims in the correct form and start a joint search for a solution, the harmonious development of the family can be guaranteed.

- Usually partners come into conflict with only one goal - to win. Changing this goal to finding a constructive solution is the best option. Of course, this is a complex algorithm of actions, but real and effective!

Feelings of guilt, as well as feelings of resentment, are guaranteed to lead to illness.

Some people find it difficult to express their love. What would you advise them?

- It is especially difficult to open your inner world, to voice feelings to introverts. I highly recommend reading The Five Love Languages ​​by Gary Chapman. She will tell you how to learn to manifest what is inside, moreover, in the language of your soul mate. This will definitely improve communication.

Is it important to be able to ask for forgiveness? Why?

- Let's start from the opposite: what does a person who has been undeservedly offended feel? Pain, disappointment and bitterness. These feelings always lead to illness with a 100% guarantee. Therefore, we deliberately kill a loved one.

Own sense of guilt destroys the bearer of this guilt, the person suffers mentally and torments the body.

To be able to apologize is the great art of a great man. It is very difficult to admit mistakes and even more so to speak about it out loud. You have to have courage. But this is how a person develops, grows above himself.

If a person "baths" in his own resentment, he will not hear you

- What to do if the partner plays silent, refuses to express grievances, talk about his desires, in any unpleasant situation he simply withdraws into himself?

“That’s how his parents taught him to show his resentment. Most likely, in the family of this person, a significant relative behaved in this way, and the child adopted the model of behavior.

What to do? Step by step, carefully and tactfully break the pattern and, through demonstrating your analysis of feelings, teach your partner to express personal claims in the correct form. But it is necessary to talk about this only in the period of established relations. If the partner is offended, there is no point in explaining something to him. Out of habit, your soul mate will “bath” in his own resentment for some period and still won’t hear anything.

Is it worth taking a break from each other from time to time?

- Undoubtedly. Only your partner should be informed about this. It is necessary to voice to him (especially a woman) the details of your vacation, explain clearly why you need space, and offer an acceptable option for both personal territories, taking into account each other's wishes for such a vacation.

- Are there any useful psychological exercises that it would be good for partners to do from time to time?

- It is difficult to overestimate the influence of family rituals and rituals on the formation of emotional intimacy of spouses: Sunday dinners, trips, meetings with friends, and so on. Each such action causes a lot of positive emotions, and they leave a powerful mark in the memory of a person. The psyche reacts like this: “I want more and with this person!”

For example, an invisible, but very deep meaning lies in the joint evening dinners by candlelight, the flickering light of which has a calming effect on the emotional state of the partners. Delicious food, pleasant atmosphere, music, the eyes of a loved one - and ... the wall of far-fetched grievances crumbled (laughs).

Rules for a conflict-free dialogue

1. Clear content of the appeal

What for? What do you want to achieve with this conversation? What reaction would you like to evoke from your partner? What actions are you going to encourage him to take? What is your personal interest?

2. Emotional accompaniment of the appeal

What part of the information should be especially drawn to the attention of the partner through facial expressions, tone and volume of speech?

3. Cognitive component of the text of the appeal

What facts should be appealed to?

4. Time and place

At the end of the working day (stress state) or the working week (general fatigue and anticipation of the weekend)? Alone or in the presence of someone in particular?

5. Confidence in a positive result

Elaboration of the multivariate development of the event forms a sense of security, which, in turn, stabilizes the emotional background.

Of course, we are not machines. It is impossible to constantly analyze and control your every step. But still, try to think more often about what you say and, most importantly, how! For a moment, imagine yourself on the side of the interlocutor, try to feel whether it would be nice for you to hear such words. Try to keep the conversation calm and talk to each other about your feelings more often.

During video communication, there may be problems with sound, after which the user asks the question: Why can't the interlocutor hear me on Skype?

And, therefore, the problem requires immediate elimination - especially since it is solved in most cases easily.

Priority Actions

First of all, when a problem occurs, I should check whether the problem actually exists on this side.

To begin with, I make sure that I myself hear the sounds of the computer and my voice during communication - otherwise the problem is clearly with incorrect microphone and speaker settings.

To check you need:

• Login to Skype
• Open the "Tools" / "Settings" and "Sound Settings" menus in turn;

• Opposite the inscription "Microphone" you can see a menu where devices are selected, and "Volume" has an indicator showing the strength of the sound.
  If you speak into a microphone (built-in for the camera and laptop or external, which can be separate or together with headphones), the strip should be colored green. The louder the voice, the further the strip should be painted.

Advice! If the volume indicator works normally, the problem should be corrected by your interlocutor. And the article on fixing problems with sound will have to be read to him.

But in the event that no changes occur, I am convinced that the problem exists on my part. This becomes especially noticeable when we also do not hear the interlocutor.

Skype settings

While the window is still open, you should:

• Check if automatic tuning is allowed for your microphone (there should be a checkmark next to the corresponding item);
• Select the correct device, and not the one that is set by default (in the drop-down menu).

There can be several microphones - sometimes the system automatically selects the wrong option.

Having selected the desired device, you should try to talk again - but not with the interlocutor yet, but with the test program - Echo123

If I can't hear my voice well or there is no sound at all on the recording that will be played by Echo123 after the end of the conversation, I should check other devices from the list of microphones.

Selecting them in turn, we check each with the same test call.

If the solution to the problem in this way could not be found, it does not lie in Skype.

Microphone test

The next step is to check that the microphone is connected correctly. On a laptop, this problem cannot be, since this device is built-in in it.

But on a computer, an external device must be connected to the appropriate connector.

It's usually on the back and is pink or red - although there may be other color options, and the panel for connecting audio devices on modern PCs is often located on the front.

On a laptop, on which an additional microphone can also be connected to improve sound quality, similar connectors are located on the side.

After finding the right holes, you should make sure that the microphone is connected correctly. To do this, the device must fully enter the connector until a characteristic quiet click.

After completing these steps, turn on the video again and check if there is sound now.

Windows settings

In the event that the problem has not yet been resolved, a new question arises - what to do next if, it would seem, the program is configured and working, and the microphone is connected.

However, it remains to check the operating system, which is also often the cause of the disappearance of sound.

If your computer is running Windows XP or later versions of the platform from Microsoft, the issue is resolved by setting up audio devices.

Windows XP

For this system, click on the "Start" button and find on it first "Control Panel", and then "Sounds and Audio Devices".

Now the Audio tab is selected and the microphone is tested.

First you need to select the desired device, and then check its volume. Sometimes the checkbox for the microphone may not be checked. In other cases, the volume is at zero.

All these problems need to be fixed and try again to have a Skype conversation.

Windows 7, 8, 10

For Windows modern versions, you can solve the question of why the interlocutor cannot hear a voice in the same way. The differences are only in access to the settings. For him it should:

1. Press the "Start" button
2. Go to the control panel;
3. Select the "Sound" icon;
4. Go to the "Record" tab.

Now follows:

1. Select the properties of the microphone (after enabling it if the device is disabled);
2. Make sure that the device is in use ("General" tab);
3. Check microphone volume (Levels tab).

The speaker icon on the right disables system microphone sounds altogether. For some reason, it may be pressed and the problem is solved by pressing it again.

A few other interesting articles on the subject:

Mental deafness - this is the name of the condition in which close people do not hear each other. This can be expressed in ignoring elementary requests to iron a shirt or fix a faucet. In the most neglected cases, dialogue between people becomes completely impossible.

How often the boat of a happy family life breaks on the sharp rocks of everyday life. Previously, the beloved was helpful and caring, but now he has ceased to respond to requests. Having asked him three times to hang a shelf in the hallway and without waiting for an answer, you master simple skills yourself. The shelf is hung, but in the heart there is resentment and a feeling that you are knocking on a closed door.

A family is work, and the work of two people. In the absence of mutual understanding and support, negative emotions accumulate and result in regular scandals. Time passes and the situation in the family begins to turn into endless hostilities.

Reproaches fly into the partner, small and large grievances are remembered. Marriage begins to burden both. You feel like it's all over. Love is gone, the family is on the verge of collapse, the happy past cannot be returned.

Do not despair, it is better to try to analyze the current situation. Why did a loving person turn into an indifferent capercaillie? Maybe his love has not faded, but your attitude prevents him from showing care?

It's no secret that women often prefer to take everything on their shoulders. Sometimes under the pretext that the spouse is tired and there is no need to disturb him over trifles. Sometimes believing that she could do better. Deprived of duties, the husband gradually gets used to it and begins to take it for granted.

The reason for female super-independence lies in childhood. Having seen enough of our mothers and grandmothers, forced to work, raise children, keep the house clean, we decide that this is how it should be. A woman must be strong. We constantly prove our self-sufficiency and drive ourselves into a trap.

Why did your partner stop hearing you?

A family is a union of two people whose opinions may differ. There are couples who have learned to reach a compromise, but there are also couples who do not know how to conduct a constructive dialogue. In them, people accumulate anger and resentment against each other or engage in self-discipline. Disappointment in a partner grows, and the chance of a relationship is reduced.

Do you think that your spouse is not able to cope with any task on his own? Do you keep repeating every day how stupid and unlucky he is? With every accusation you make against him, with every disappointed look, it becomes true. Many families live like this, but did the women in them want this? Any man will feel that his beloved has cooled off towards him. For some time he will try to find out the reason, but if you move away from a direct conversation, the wall between you will grow.

Meanwhile, your negative emotions will begin to manifest themselves. For this, no words are needed, it is enough to expressively remain silent and demonstrate hostility with all your appearance. In this state, any trifle, an insignificant phrase can provoke a quarrel. You're just subconsciously set up for disappointment. Accumulating, such moments “turn off” a man’s hearing. He is with you and probably still loves you, but his patience is running out.

No one wants to be in the role of a "permanent loser." Telling your husband about his unsuitability, about the inability to earn money and fulfill men's duties, you yourself are depriving yourself of the notorious strong male shoulder. The mask of indifference tightly adheres to him and one day it will cease to be a mask. As a result, you will simply find a “neighbor” who is indifferent to you and your requests.

Think for yourself, does he need to do something if from the very beginning you radiate discontent and confidence that he will not succeed? This is the answer to the question "why can't my husband hear me?" Why would he do this if he still remains guilty?

Can the situation be corrected and how?

Begin with yourself. Try to understand what you want from your relationship. Do not accumulate anger, disappointment and resentment in yourself. They tend to grow like a snowball, and completely crowd out other feelings. No one can live in a state of constant dissatisfaction with everyone and everything.

Look at women who are happy in family life. Their smile is sunny, they are open to the whole world and joyfully meet a new day. They infect others with optimism. A man is ready to carry such a woman in his arms and fulfill all her requests.

A man without support and respect withers like a flower without water. Become a support for your husband, support his masculinity in him and he will move mountains for you. For the sake of a beloved, faithful and loving wife, there is a desire to act and achieve results. No wonder they say that a man is made by a woman who is next to him.

Understand that you can change your life by starting with yourself. Look in the mirror and ask yourself: “What feelings and energy does my husband get from me?” Try to answer honestly. The most likely answer is: anger, resentment and disappointment. Now imagine that it's not you, but he behaves like this. Imagine a bunch of reproaches and claims addressed to you. Could you live like this and at the same time enjoy life, love your husband? No. In the same way, she would close herself, hide in a shell, or enter the warpath.

Other aspects of life also suffer from troubles in the family. You constantly scroll through your scandals in your head, conduct mental dialogues with your husband, endlessly accusing him of all sins. When is it time to work or take care of children? How not to tear off an eternally bad mood on others?

So, the main advice is to take care of yourself. You can try to involve your husband in the conversation. Don't let the conversation devolve into the usual scenario. Speak calmly, express without unnecessary emotions what exactly does not suit you, and be sure to listen to his answer. Once you fell in love with each other and knew how to listen, so learn it again.

New versions of the well-known Skype program appear with enviable constancy. Developers implement additional functions that significantly expand the standard features, eliminate detected errors (bugs), and improve the auto-tuning algorithm.

It may seem that with this order of things, it is enough to download the program, install it on a computer, register in the system, and after launching, you can immediately start communicating. Sometimes, indeed, this is what happens. But most often, users have various questions. One of them is "why can't they hear me on Skype". If this happens, then it is quite possible that errors were made during the settings or, which also happens, the user hoped that the program would work “out of the box” and ignored the need to make adjustments. So, today we will talk about what to do if they do not hear on Skype, and also consider the reasons for this.

The invisible culprit

Skype cannot work without access to the Internet. During a call and subsequent communication (audio or video), a digital data stream is formed. Obviously, its width should not be less than that provided by the equipment. So, you should not try to organize high-quality video communication when connecting to the network via mobile GPRS. It follows that if the user complains that they cannot hear me on Skype, then you need to check the Internet speed. This can be done, for example, on the site speedtest (net). For a simple audio conversation with one interlocutor, 30 kilobits is allowed with minimal delays (ping). You can also use the built-in tool. To do this, with an active connection with the interlocutor, you need to select “Data on the quality of communication” in the lower right corner of the program screen and make sure that the connection meets the minimum requirements.

Wealth of choice

Of course, the speed of the Internet is not the only reason why they can't hear me on Skype. As we already mentioned, sometimes a small adjustment of the parameters can solve the problem. Often there is a situation when the owner of a computer communicated via Skype in audio mode for a long time, without a video camera, and then acquired a modern USB camera. Having discovered that the purchased device has a built-in microphone, he turned off the old one with a toggle switch, without removing the plug from the sound card connector. And after switching on, the person asks the question “why they don’t hear me on Skype, if everything worked yesterday.” The reason is that the system "sees" two microphones, and which of them will be defined by Skype as the main one is unknown. To solve the problem, you need to select "Calls" in the program menu and proceed to "Sound settings". In the window that opens, in the "Microphone" line, you must select the one that will be used. So, if active is specified, then in the "Volume" line, located just below, the slider will be displayed for any sound.

Settings

The volume indicator allows you to visually determine the sensitivity of the microphone. Budget models are characterized by the fact that you can communicate with them if such a device is located in close proximity to the user (hang on the monitor is not an output). However, you can partially solve the problem by using the software amplification function. Often after that, the question “why can’t they hear me on Skype” is forgotten. It is necessary to uncheck the automatic microphone setup item and drag the slider upwards. However, you should not get carried away too much, as this can lead to excessive noise in the audio stream. Finally, you should check the appropriate driver settings