I can't refuse. That is, of course, I try to say no politely, but I very rarely succeed. Usually, all my attempts to politely refuse and at the same time not hurt the person end either with an insult or with the phrase “well, I’ll see what can be done.” The most extreme case - this is . I don't know if a lie is small, good or half true. This is an even more difficult question.

constantly deceive - not a very good way out, which in the end will still lead to a conflict, since you will finally get confused and lie.

How to refuse your boss, who once again asks you to stay after work? How to say a firm “no” to your relatives so that they are not offended? How do you let your friends know that you can't help them right now?

In fact, there are a lot of options, we just don't know about them.

Your offer sounds very tempting, but unfortunately I have too much to do right now.

With the phrase “this sounds very tempting”, you make it clear to the person that his offer is of interest to you. And the second part says that you would love to participate (or help), but at the moment you have too many urgent tasks.

A beautiful refusal, but from my own experience I can say that for close friends or relatives, it will do it once or twice, and even then not in a row. If you refuse them in this way for the third time, the fourth time no one will offer you anything. This is especially true for picnics and other recreational activities.

Remember, once or twice - and then either change your social circle (for some reason you constantly refuse them?), or finally go somewhere. Suddenly you like it?

But for people you don't see that often, this answer is perfect.

I'm sorry, but the last time I did this or that, I had a negative experience

Mental or emotional trauma - another interesting option. Only a sadist will continue to insist that a person do what he did not like. Or a complete optimist with the slogan “What if the second time will be better?!”.

Although with some grandmothers trying to feed their emaciated offspring, the answers “I don’t eat meat,” “I’m lactose intolerant,” or “I don’t like boiled vegetables” do not work.

But if you say that the last time after you drank milk, you could not be in society all day because of stomach problems, you might be saved. Grandma, of course, will look at you a little askance and with a slight reproach, but she will not pour it into a cup with the words: “Well, this is homemade, from Aunt Klava, nothing will come of him!”.

I'd love to, but...

Another good way to say no. You would love to help, but unfortunately you can't at the moment. Just don't go into lengthy explanations of why.

First, starting to explain something in detail, you gradually begin to feel. And secondly, in this way you give the person the opportunity to cling to something in your story and persuade you.

Just a short and clear answer. No essays on the topic "I would love to, but you understand, I need to do ...".

To be honest, I'm not very good at this. Why don't you ask N, he's a pro at this

This is by no means a translation of the arrows.

If you've been asked to do something or help with advice, and you don't feel competent enough, why not suggest someone who really understands it? So you will not only not offend a person, but also show that you care and you are trying to help in any way you can.

I can't do it, but I'll be happy to help with…

On the one hand, you refuse to do what they are trying to impose on you, on the other - still help and at the same time choose what you want to do.

You look great, but I don't quite get it

What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, does not really suit her. Here the dilemma "who is more friend" arises. - the one to tell the truth, or the one to say she looks great in all the outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of an apartment, work and life partner, after all.

But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, well-known designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.

And if not? Then either say everything as it is, if you are sure of the adequacy of a girlfriend or friend, or transfer the arrows to some celebrity from the world.

It sounds great! But now, unfortunately, I have a very tight schedule. Let me call you...

This answer is great when the option is interesting, but right now you're really not in a position to help. So you not only do not offend the person, but also leave for yourself the opportunity to join the offer that interests you a little later.

Even at lectures on psychology at the university, we were taught that it is necessary to refuse, starting a sentence with the word “yes”, and then adding the notorious “but”.

It works, though not always. It all depends on the situation and the person. You won’t be able to play around for a long time and sooner or later you will have to explain why it’s still “no”.

But if you are diplomatic and firm enough, then over time people will know that if you refuse, it is not because you are just lazy or you do not want to have anything to do with them, but because you are a very busy person and you will definitely you can, but a little later. In the end, people must learn to respect you and your opinion. As well as you - someone else's.

Paradoxically, the ability to refuse is just as necessary as the ability to sympathize and help. If you cannot say “no”, you will be contacted without a twinge of conscience mainly by those who will never respond to a request for help. We master the technique of refusal.

There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. This property of their character is attributed by many to the virtues of a person, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “failsafe” in order to throw some of their problems onto him.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who can't say no often don't have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they may at best expect a dubious compliment as a thank you for their dependability.

A vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life has almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.

Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the “failsafe” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of terry and heartlessness.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

Why are people afraid to say "no"?

People who fulfill other people's requests against their will, most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they don’t like at all.

So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.

Often people, when refusing, say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. Indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relations, etc.

Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.

How to politely refuse?

When we say no, we often make enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take on the fulfillment of burdensome obligations. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude form. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss it."

When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:

• this word can protect against problems;
• can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
• successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
• by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are several simple ways to politely decline, which show that this task is within the power of everyone.

1. Outright refusal

Some people believe that when refusing something, it is imperative to state the reason for the refusal. This is an erroneous opinion. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the asker hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincere often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the rejection by saying: “No, I can’t do it”, “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t have time for this”.

If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirade. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no”.

This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.

2. Sympathetic rejection

This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.

For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”

3. Reasonable refusal

This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is also suitable for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.

This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.

It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording so that the asker quickly catches the essence.

4. Delayed rejection

This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone's request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their innocence and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.

Delayed rejection allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.

A reasoned denial might look like this: “I can't answer right now because I don't remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I arranged to meet someone. I need to look at my weekly to be sure.” Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later" etc.

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise refusal

Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions for assistance - what and when we can and what not.

For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."

If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.

For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.

In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on someone else's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are used to "playing with one goal", who believe that everyone is indebted to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

There are many people in the world who are called trouble-free. You can turn to them at any time of the day for help, and they will never refuse. This property of their character is attributed by many to the virtues of a person, because it is beneficial to always “have at hand” such a “failsafe” in order to throw some of their problems onto him.

However, rarely does anyone take the trouble to think: maybe a person simply cannot refuse?

People who can't say no often don't have enough time for their own affairs and personal lives, although they may at best expect a dubious compliment as a thank you for their dependability.

A vivid example of a trouble-free person and what the inability to refuse leads to is the old film "Autumn Marathon" with Oleg Basilashvili in the title role. The hero of the film is not young, but he never learned to refuse and live the way he wants. His life has almost passed, but he never took place as a person, because he always lived the way others wanted.

Reliable people always, like a magnet, attract people who actively use their inability to refuse. We can say that the executioner is looking for a victim, and the victim of the executioner. And even if the “failsafe” suddenly rebels and refuses the role of a lifesaver, he will immediately be accused of terry selfishness and heartlessness.

There are golden words that everyone should remember: “To live the way you yourself want is not selfishness. Selfishness is when others have to think and live the way you want.

Why are people afraid to say "no"?

People who fulfill other people's requests against their will, most often have a soft and indecisive character. In their hearts, they really want to say “no,” but they are so afraid of embarrassing or offending another person with a refusal that they force themselves to do something that they don’t like at all.

So many people later regret that they once wanted to, but could not say no.

Often people, when refusing, say the word “no” as if they feel guilty about something - it seems to them that some kind of unpleasant reaction will follow. And indeed, many are not used to being refused, and “no” causes a negative reaction in them - they are rude, break off relations, etc.

Some people do not say "no" because of the fear of becoming unwanted and alone.

How to politely refuse?

When we say no, we often make enemies. However, it is worth remembering what is more important for us - to offend someone with a refusal or to take on the fulfillment of burdensome obligations. Moreover, it is not at all necessary to refuse in a rude form. For example, the same diplomats try not to say "yes" or "no", replacing them with the words "Let's discuss it."

When saying "no", it is worth remembering that:

• this word can protect against problems;
• can mean "yes" if pronounced uncertainly;
• successful people say “no” more often than “yes”;
• by denying what we cannot or do not want to do, we will feel like a winner.

There are several simple ways to politely decline, which show that this task is within the power of everyone.

1. Outright refusal

Some people believe that when refusing something, it is imperative to state the reason for the refusal. This is an erroneous opinion. First, explanations will look like excuses, and excuses will give the asker hope that you can change your mind. Secondly, it is not always possible to name the real reason for the refusal. If you invent it, in the future the lie can be exposed and put both in an awkward position. In addition, a person who speaks insincere often gives himself away with facial expressions and voice.

Therefore, it is better not to fantasize, but simply say “no” without adding anything else. You can soften the rejection by saying: “No, I can’t do it”, “I don’t want to do this”, “I don’t have time for this”.

If a person ignores these words and continues to insist, you can use the “broken record” method, repeating the same words of refusal after each of his tirade. No need to interrupt the speaker with objections and ask questions - just say “no”.

This method is suitable for refusing people who are aggressive and overly persistent.

2. Sympathetic rejection

This technique is suitable for refusing people who tend to get their own requests, causing pity and sympathy. In this case, it is worth showing them that you empathize, but cannot help in any way.

For example, "I'm sorry, but I can't help you." Or “I see that it’s not easy for you, but I can’t solve your problem.”

3. Reasonable refusal

This is a rather polite refusal and can be used in any setting - formal and informal. It is also suitable for refusal to older people, and for refusal to people occupying a higher position on the career ladder.

This refusal assumes that you name the real reason why you cannot fulfill the request: “I can’t do this, because tomorrow I’m going to the theater with my child,” etc.

It will be even more convincing if you name not one reason, but three. This technique is called failure for three reasons. The main thing in its application is the brevity of the wording so that the asker quickly catches the essence.

4. Delayed rejection

This method can be used by people for whom refusing someone's request is a psychological drama, and they almost automatically agree to any request. People of such a warehouse often doubt their innocence and tend to endlessly analyze their actions.

Delayed rejection allows you to think about the situation, and if necessary, seek advice from friends. Its essence is not to say "no" immediately, but to ask for time to make a decision. Thus, you can insure yourself against rash steps.

A reasoned denial might look like this: “I can't answer right now because I don't remember my plans for the weekend. Perhaps I arranged to meet someone. I need to look at my weekly to be sure.” Or “I need to consult at home”, “I need to think. I'll tell you later" etc.

You can refuse in this way to people who are assertive and do not tolerate objections.

5. Compromise refusal

Such a refusal can be called a half refusal, because we want to help a person, but not completely, but partially, and not on his terms, which seem unrealistic to us, but on our own. In this case, it is necessary to clearly define the conditions for assistance - what and when we can and what not.

For example, "I can take your child to school with mine, but only have it ready by eight o'clock." Or "I can help you do the repairs, but only on Saturdays."

If such conditions do not suit the applicant, then we have the right to refuse with a calm soul.

6. Diplomatic refusal

It involves a mutual search for an acceptable solution. We refuse to do what we do not want or cannot do, but together with the person who asks, we are looking for a solution to the problem.

For example, "I can't help you, but I have a friend who deals with these issues." Or “Perhaps I can help you in some other way?”.

In response to examples of various refusal techniques, one can object that it is necessary to help people and that by refusing others, we ourselves risk finding ourselves in a difficult situation where we will have nothing to count on someone else's help. Note that we are talking only about the requests of people who are used to "playing with one goal", who believe that everyone is indebted to them and abuse the reliability of other people.

→ How to refuse a person without offending him?

"Everyone can offend an artist" - Andrei Mironov liked to say. In this phrase, he put a slightly different meaning than the one that is revealed in this article. In this regard, it would be more appropriate to paraphrase this quote: "You can offend anyone."

Yes, very often we do not notice how we offend others with a careless word, gesture or movement, but such is life: we cannot adapt to the subtle spiritual world of everyone. In addition, in this world, unfortunately or fortunately, there is a severe law: "Either you are his, or he is you."

In any case, even if we abstract from lengthy reflections on the topic “Who in this world should live well” and think about how to please everyone, it should be recognized that each of us offends others much more often than we would like. This situation becomes even more uncomfortable if we offend a person with a refusal.

Agree - everyone has had situations in life when someone asks for help, a request or a service, but for some reason we don’t want to fulfill this request or we can’t. “Help me assemble the furniture”, “Please take your wife to the hospital - you are by car”, “Loan money before the advance” - these are the most trivial requests that we often hear from neighbors, friends or relatives.

And if someone cannot refuse in these cases simply for reasons of humanity or guided by the rule "all people should help each other", then there is a category of people who, even if possible, refuse to help.

Whether this is right or not is not for us to decide, besides, each case can be considered from several positions. The main thing is how to refuse all the same so as not to offend the asker?

Separately, I would like to analyze the request to borrow money. Sadly, it is money that rules this world, as well as human minds. I feel sorry for those who deny it or YET do not realize. Money is good and evil at the same time. It is substance, matter, religion and the purpose of life at the same time. That is why denials of material assistance are the most painful and unpleasant. Of course, you can simply answer that at the moment you do not have such an amount or refer to the upcoming renovation / major purchase / vacation / utility bills, making it clear that you are not able to borrow now.

The situation looks more spicy (no other way to call it) if you have your own apartment, a car and a fairly high salary, and the asker is aware of all this. Against this background, the refusal to borrow a couple of thousand rubles looks at least strange. As a maximum, you will be immediately accused of "redneck" (naturally, "behind your eyes"). How can you refuse so that you can "eat the fish and not wash the pan?" In other words, how to maintain friendships after rejection and not offend a person?

Strange as it may seem and ugly it will look, but in this situation, you can choose a "bad" or "good" way. "Bad" - brazenly lie. Yes, so that the asker feels guilty for asking you for money at all. Legends fit "I flooded my neighbor, now I pay for an expensive Italian headset by court order", "My loan is overdue, if I don't pay "n" money this month, they will be judged", "Where have you been before, I just yesterday Sasha /Vasya/Petya borrowed everything that was", etc. There are many options, but few will find this way ethical. Especially if the neighbor asks for a loan for treatment / funeral / mortgage payment, and you are going to go on vacation at sea and it is the requested amount that is critical for you.

The best option in this case would be the following. You refuse, but only partially. Yes, you will have to borrow some amount, but just one that does not greatly interfere with the fulfillment of your plans. At the same time, be sure to add that the person is asking for the funds you really need, and you are helping in any way you can. As a rule, your friend or acquaintance in this case realizes that you may also have your own affairs and problems that you need to spend money on. Perhaps he will even become ashamed, but in any case, he will no longer be offended by you.

Another vital situation is the refusal to help. For example, you can refuse to help your neighbor sort out the garbage in the garage, citing a bad back or a migraine. But this is the "bad" way (see above). It is best to do the following.

Do not refuse help, moreover, take the initiative, but offer conditions that are simply impossible to fulfill. For example, citing your busyness, offer to reschedule work for a day when your neighbor cannot. And better for a week or a month in advance. In this case, the face must be given an expression a la "I would love to, but only now ... but as soon as - so immediately!" Believe me: the neighbor will not be offended. With a high probability, he will answer: "Okay, don't be upset that you can't help. I'll ask Vasya / Petya / Stas - he's just on vacation, he has nothing to do." Perhaps it will be ugly on your part, but this is not about how to refuse tactfully, but about how not to offend a person by refusing. I think that it is in this case that moral and ethical standards can be sacrificed, and one can bribe one's conscience with a pie.

The last and most difficult type of rejection concerns...yes, relationships.

There is only one question here: how to refuse him / her to meet / marry / be friends / sleep, but at the same time not offend?

I can say that if someone wrote a kind of Bible on the topic of relationships, then there would not be a universal answer. The only thing that can be said with confidence is how NOT to refuse, so as not to offend. NEVER say the phrase "You are good / good, but I love you as a friend. Let's be friends and stay."

Dear ladies, if you only knew how this affects men! This is literally an indication of his inferiority and failure as a man. His first thought is "If I'm so good, then the one she wants to date is even better?!" Domination-s. It just so happened that males always strive for dominance (or if you want - for phallometry). And if you refuse, meaning "yes, you go ... to the friend zone," you can never count on friendship. But getting your portion of retribution is quite. Insidious males are so insidious.

But seriously, if you don't want to offend a person by refusing a relationship, there are two pieces of advice here. Firstly, if you really count only on friendship, exclude absolutely any manifestations of sympathy. Make friends the way guys make friends - tough, sometimes rude, and honest. And if, nevertheless, something went wrong, and a simple acquaintance develops into something more, but you don’t want this, refuse categorically. No "friendship", "I love like a brother" and other things. Accurately and directly point out that the man has flaws, and those that he can no longer fix - apparently, he was standing in line for something else while God was handing out brains / beauty / hands / sense of humor.

The man will understand. He will understand and say "well, you went ...". As you can see, there is no offense. There is only aggression and a desire to look for someone who will appreciate him.

Concluding this article, I would like to summarize: despite the inappropriate humor and sarcasm in such a serious aspect as a refusal without offense, one cannot do without it. If you refuse, say what your conscience tells you. Sometimes you can lie, as described above, sometimes you can honestly name the reasons, spitting on insults, you can even ask for something in return. But in any case - try to really understand a person, enter into his position, even sympathize, and then he, in turn, will understand that it turns out that there is nothing to be offended by.

We already told you, and. Maybe you are just one of those for whom we wrote these texts. So-called nice guys can be nice on the outside, but inside they are constantly feeling depressed and empty.

Nice guys always fall into a simple trap: they always say “Yes” to every request. These reliable people are afraid that people will no longer like them if they are refused. By agreeing to everything, cute guys fit additional cases and deadlines into their already crowded schedule. In the end, they burden themselves with so many things that they cannot even fulfill their direct duties, which should come first for them. And laughter and sin: in the end such a nice guy can not cope with anything, does not keep his promises and ceases to please people - which he tried so hard to avoid.

A man clearly prioritizes and sets goals for himself, takes the time to achieve them, and says “no” when a request prevents him from doing what is important to him. He does not stop striving for the best, doing different things to remain just good.

What don't nice guys understand? It is impossible to please everyone. Even if you will help everyone and please. And what’s more, it’s even possible to refuse people and still leave them with the thought that you are a good and your boyfriend.

If you find it difficult to refuse people, refer to our manual: it will teach you how to do it right.

It's not some personal no. Don't say "no" like you're rejecting a person because you don't like them; because his idea is crazy; because it's boring. Let him know that you're just "following the rules." I mean, some kind of personal rules that do not allow you to agree.

• "I can't go to the Polka Festival on Monday because we always spend Monday night with the whole family."
• “I can't donate money for this. We decided instead of such donations to save money and give it to ... (any business).
• "Thanks for the invite, but I don't date women with more than eleven cats."

Make it clear that you would like to say yes. If you show a person that you sympathize with his request, but still cannot fulfill it, this will soften his disappointment at refusal.

• “I would love to hire you, you are a great fit for this position. But the HR manager has already found another candidate and started to process it.”
• “I would be happy to speak at your congress: I really enjoyed last year, the presentations were excellent. But I have too much to do."

Show that you have considered your refusal. Hearing an immediate and thoughtless refusal is very disappointing. Show the person that you thought about his request, that it took you a while to make a decision before you said no.

• “Very exciting scenario. I really like the scene where the man-eating robot and the platypus become friends. But the studio produces romantic comedies, I'm sorry."

Offer some kind of compensation. If you cannot fulfill the request, think about what you can do to help in some way.

• "I can't referee this game, but I'll give you a keg so you can have some fun after the match."
• "I can't go camping, but I can give you a tent."

Let them know that your refusal will benefit them. You can turn your refusal into a kind of service: you just need to turn the case so that the person understands that your consent would only aggravate the matter.

• “You have a first-class newspaper. If I took the time to write any text for you, it would not meet your high standards, which your publication is famous for.
• “If I went with you, I would still fall asleep in the middle of the movie and embarrass everyone.”

Say "no" to help the person say "no" to himself. Web designers, hair stylists, and other creative people understand these feelings when they tell a client that their wish can't be fulfilled. That is, it is technically possible, but it will look bad. If they say “no” directly, the client may become angry and offended. Instead, ask about the person's goals, and then gently show them why their proposal won't help achieve them.

• “If you want your page to look concise and modern, all those rainbows and unicorns in the background don't fit with the overall style. I can show you some samples - maybe this is just what you need.
• “You have a very manly chin. Such a haircut will make him outweigh his entire face.

Let me know that in the future you can agree. Don't make a situation look hopeless if it isn't.

• “I can’t give you an “excellent” for this job, but you almost succeeded. Next time make the thesis more convincing, and then everything will work out.

Show that the idea is bad. If someone comes to you with an idea that can never be realized, no matter what they say or how hard they try, don't sugarcoat your rejection. But "No, get out, you idiot!" - also not the best way. Instead, ask a few questions and point out where the plan doesn't work. Help the person see for himself how unrealistic his idea is. You will do him a favor.

• “Okay, who is this false beard aimed at?”

Just say no. Sometimes this is the best way. If someone is wasting your time and doesn't respect you, don't soften your refusal. Show him the door.

And finally. These tips will help you soften the rejection, but should not introduce ambiguity into your speech. Stay polite and warm, but be tough and confident. Say your opinion, let them put up with it. Don't let anyone blame you for not doing things you don't like. What's so good about non-failure? You will respect yourself more if you learn to say a firm “no”.