A common case in my practice: a girl comes to me and complains that she looks too young, and therefore no one takes her seriously at work. Meanwhile, I see a girl in front of me who looks exactly her age, and I understand that it’s not about years at all.

Very often the problem lies not in age, but in status.

Status is a set of signs by which people understand what place you occupy in society. (And, in particular, at work).

And very often it is enough to “pull up” the clothes to the right level so that people begin to respect and obey you (especially if you have become a leader).

This does not mean at all that your clothes should become age-appropriate or deliberately formal.

There are many other ways and ways to add charisma and weight to you in society just by changing your appearance.

Status changes more than once during life, and this can also take a person by surprise. After all, we all get used to a certain appearance, and often after changes in life we ​​cannot understand what to wear at a new place of residence / in a new team / in the status of a wife and mother.

I want to throw away all my clothes and buy new ones. But which one is unclear.

A change in status also includes marriage, and moving to a new place of residence, and moving to a new job (especially if the transition is with an increase!). Very often people cannot understand how to dress in these cases, and then we solve this problem at image consultations, wardrobe revisions and shopping.

Agree, you really want people to respect you. Sometimes it is even required to slightly increase your status in clothes, so that it would be easier for you to enter a new environment where high status is simply necessary.

In this article, I will share with you my observations regarding the status. And I'll tell you what makes it worse.

So, the status is lowered:

• Poorly shaped fabrics (especially sluggish knitwear).
• A colorful pattern on the fabric (variegated knitwear is doubly dangerous!).
• "Children's" and game prints. With a print, in general, you need to be more careful and choose things with prints in the premium or luxury segment, preferably from new collections. Print fashion is always changing.
• "Dirty" colors - marsh, mustard, pistachio, faded brown. All things that produce the effect of "faded" and "worn". An exception is branded items targeted at the category of consumers who love naturalness. And if things are of very high quality and stylish, and loose textures suit you (each person has their own texture!), then your status will not suffer.
• Cheap bag and shoes (I'm not talking about the price now, but about the appearance - how expensive or cheap it looks). Cheap things are often made of artificial materials, and this artificiality immediately catches your eye: it can be straight-line shine, and an abundance of accessories, and obvious leatherette.
• Things in spools, stretched and faded. Think it's rare? Not at all. It's just that people tend to overlook such things as they get used to them.
• Things from "cheap" fabrics. Again - I mean not just the price or naturalness / unnaturalness, but the appearance of the thing. Synthetics are also different. "Cheap" fabrics usually have an unpleasant texture, a very straightforward or even bright color, and do not drape well.
• Pure sport. Now sport has penetrated into all styles, and sportswear is at the height of fashion. But if you wear a tracksuit to the office, then this is not good. Any down jacket will look less status than a straight-cut cashmere coat. Although here you need to carefully study your social niche.
• Shine. I am generally silent about rhinestones. But any gloss requires a thorough check for professional suitability. Cheap jewelry - there too.
• certain styles. For example, ethnic styles and retro styles (boho, hippie, rustic style), as well as subculture styles (metal, rock, etc.). These styles symbolize a downgrading of status, since they originated in people who protested against hierarchies and systems, or who lived in the countryside. For example, hippies defiantly went to live in the "forests". Such is the voluntary downshifting. Retro is no less dangerous - if you do not modernize a retro outfit, then you will pass for an eccentric. Although, I will make a reservation: in creative circles, the choice of such a style can be justified, moreover, it can be a marker that you belong to a certain "party".
• Poorly fitting clothes (bulging, gathering in the chest or in the seams). Wrong proportions. Never buy a thing if it does not fit well, is short or long. Every centimeter matters. Customize your clothes in the atelier. There are no trifles in style!
• "Non-marking" clothes. I designate it with such a word, because. many will understand what is at stake. If your only goal is to look inconspicuous and not afraid to get dirty, then most likely you do not look status.
• Clothes not bought there. Namely - in the markets, in tsums and ants (if you are not from Nizhny Novgorod, then you also probably know the places where you sell similar clothes). Well, there is no status clothing there, they checked it! Even if it doesn't seem so at first glance. Believe me, it's visible. And it is read by people of a higher status at an unconscious level.
• A lot of details, pretentiousness. Style is not in the abundance of details, but in their thoughtfulness. One or two accents are enough. I noticed that ladies over 40 often tend to put on everything at once. Meanwhile, maturity only benefits from simplicity and quality.
• Tights with pattern and mesh. Even when they come into fashion, you can’t wear them to work.
• explicit sexual appeal. Always bad, always. But thoughtful femininity is always welcome.
• Groomed skin and hair, sloppy or excessive make-up. It is better to buy less things, but make competent coloring, a good haircut and high-quality makeup. Skin problems are often read by us as insufficient care, malnutrition, stress, lack of self-love. A person who inspires respect often respects himself. The skin and hair of such a person will be in order. In makeup, the main thing now is freshness, not color. If you are over 35, do not paint like in your youth. Makeup fashion is constantly changing, and so is your face. Follow the trends.
• Weight problems. Alas, they also lower their status. For the reasons described above. But it is quite possible to tighten the silhouette with the help of well-chosen clothes!

Well, in conclusion, I want to say that not all problems called “People do not take me seriously” lie in the field of style. Often - in the field of psychology. Your self-confidence, your demeanor and communication skills are also important. But to understand what kind of your problem, the stylist can already after a short conversation with you.

My clients and I always find the cause and write a plan of the necessary steps to eliminate problems.

And if you feel that you look “somehow wrong”, you need to figure out what is your reason. It can be some kind of psychological moment, and a status problem, or just a matter of a functional wardrobe.

The main thing is to understand where the snag lies. And finally get rid of this splinter.

© Elena Basheva, 2018

The key to the test task "Are you ready to solve problems at a new job?"

You will receive one point for each positive answer to questions: 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 8, 10, and for each “no” answer to questions 4, 5, 9, 11.

From 10 points or more“You are just a reinsurer and you will never take a single step in a new job without thinking about the consequences, and you will not throw out a single extra thing - in case it might come in handy someday. Often rash acts can make life more enjoyable, even at a new job.

From 3 to 9 points - You are prudent, but ... not too much. It's not bad.

3 points or less- You absolutely do not know how to predict events and their consequences.

5.7. Test "Do your colleagues respect you?"

Success in a new job directly depends on the relationship you have with your new colleagues. All relationships are built primarily on mutual respect. This test task will help you see the attitude of others towards you as a person who requires respect, and will help you draw conclusions.

Answer yes or no.

1. You must remember that almost every minute of the day you are being scrutinized by those with whom you have to communicate.

2. A person should have a sufficiently developed sense of independence to discuss his hobby with friends (whether they share his hobby or not).

3. You can not drop your authority in the eyes of other people under any circumstances.

4. If a person notices errors in the speech of others, he should correct them.

5. When you meet strangers, you must be witty, outgoing and attractive enough to impress them.

6. When you are introduced to another person and you do not hear his name, you should ask him to repeat.

7. You think that you respect those people who never allow you to make fun of yourself.

8. You try not to ask unnecessary questions for fear of seeming stupid.

9. If you communicate with a brilliant and witty person, then you prefer not to get involved in the competition, but to give him his due and quickly get away from the discussion.

10. A person should always try to make his behavior correspond to the mood of the team in which he is.

11. Do you think that everyone can make mistakes, but should be responsible for their own

12. You try to say and do what you think is right, and not what other people expect from you.

13. It is better for others to depend on you than for you to depend on others.

14. A true friend is one who accepts you for who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses.

15. To increase your authority, you try to emphasize out loud your best qualities and successes.

16. If you are told a joke that you have already heard, you stop the narrator or correct inaccuracies at the end of his story.

V. V. Bondarenko, S. D. Reznik, S. N. Sokolov. «Personal management. Tests and specific situations: workshop»

17. If, when discussing opinions, you realized that you were wrong, then you usually admit it.

18. You can calmly and firmly refuse a person's request if he tries to shift his problems onto you.

19. If almost the entire team has a different opinion than yours, then you are likely to keep your opinion to yourself.

20. People should not stubbornly and persistently defend their beliefs whenever someone will express the opposite opinion.

The key to the test task "Do your colleagues respect you?"

For each answer that matches the correct one, give yourself 5 points. The correct answers are "yes" - 6, 11, 12, 13, 14, 17, 18 and 20, "no" - all the rest. Add up the points.

From 85 to 100 points - excellent. You deserve the respect of others. They appreciate your prudence, fairness and ability to control their emotions. You are also characterized by independence of judgment and reasonable freedom of action, not constrained by erroneous generally accepted stereotypes. You do not allow others to shift their problems onto you, you know how to calmly and firmly refuse in this case, without offending or feeling guilty. Such freedom and independence of judgment and behavior make you poorly controlled by those who are trying to manipulate you, use you for their own purposes. Probably, these people consider you an inconvenient person, get annoyed when they fail to manipulate you, but still respect you.

From 75 to 84 points is good. You are respected by others and considered a pleasant person because, on the one hand, you are independent and free in your judgments and actions, and on the other hand, you try to please people, get their approval and support. By this you show flexibility of behavior, the desire to take into account special situations. At the same time, you are subject to the influence of erroneous stereotypes of thinking and behavior that exist in generally accepted norms. It is difficult for you to refuse unreasonable requests of such manipulators for fear of offending them and feeling guilty. We wish you to be more free in your thoughts and actions, not to blindly follow generally accepted views, calmly and firmly defend your interests and be able to resist manipulation.

From 65 to 74 points - satisfactorily. You are not respected as much as you would like. You strive to please people, to say and do what they expect from you in order to get their approval and support. It is difficult for you to refuse the unreasonable requests of people who seek to shift their problems onto you, as you are afraid of offending them and feeling guilty. This behavior is explained by the fact that you are influenced by some erroneous stereotypes of thinking and behavior developed by society. People willingly use you for their own purposes because you often blindly follow the generally accepted rules of behavior and are not confident enough in yourself to think and act independently and freely. Please reconsider your principles and rules of conduct among people. You will become more confident and people will respect you more.

From 0 to 64 points - bad. You obviously lack respect for people. You strive to please people, to say and do what they expect from you in order to get their approval and support. Seeing this, people willingly use you for their own purposes, shift their problems onto you, playing on your feelings. You find it difficult to refuse unreasonable demands from people for fear of offending and feeling guilty. This behavior is explained by the fact that you are too influenced by some of the erroneous stereotypes of thinking and behavior developed by society, and are not confident in yourself to think and act.

27 ways to earn respect - how to make yourself respected in a team?

New job, new life. And this means that you will have to gain authority in the team again. Employee respect doesn't come naturally. It is necessary to try so that the team accepts a newcomer - or, even more difficult, to recognize him as an unspoken leader.

• The first rule is to always look good. They meet, as they say by clothes, only see off according to the mind. Therefore, everything is important - hair, shoes, makeup. At work, you should pack as carefully as you would for a date. After all, everyone knows that it is more pleasant to work with neat and well-dressed people than with sloppy, dirty people.

• Try to be confident. Speak loudly and clearly. Don't mumble and don't chatter. Your speech should be calm and confident. And be sure to smile at people!
• Make eye contact when talking to new colleagues - this emphasizes your interest in communication and suggests that you are not shy in front of them. If you cannot do this, then look at the point between the eyebrows or on the bridge of the nose. And it will seem to the interlocutor that you are looking directly into the eyes.
• Try to remember names. Address immediately by name or patronymic name. After all, it has long been known that the most pleasant sounds for a person are the sounds of his name.

• Be friendly and sociable. Get involved in conversations, share your knowledge and opinion.
• Do not allow yourself to be rude and rude. Some people need to be cheeky towards other people in order to maintain a sense of confidence. This bad habit ruined the life of more than one person. If you have one, then fight it.
• Take up more space. An insecure person is betrayed by his modest location in space. He sits on the edge of the chair, trying not to disturb anyone, elbows pressed, legs crossed under the chair. Remember how you behave in a pleasant society. And try to take the same postures.
• Keep your posture, gesticulate less. If you are a leader, then this should be your first rule. After all, the boss should look like the boss - seriously, personably and boldly.

• Be sincere. Even if in order to make the right impression you need to embellish something, don't do it. This will give you a bad reputation.
• Don't promise what you can't deliver. Keep your word always and everywhere. Otherwise, you can pass for a trepach.
• In any workflow, there are times when your help may be needed. This is fine. But helping colleagues don't get too emotional . Such a total surrender for some people may look like sycophancy. And to others, it may seem that you consider them to be incompetent workers or just stupid people. After all, only small children who can’t do anything are so happily helped.
• Learn to tactfully refuse - so as not to offend a person. Indeed, due to the fact that it is inconvenient to say “no”, you may not have time to complete the task assigned to you. Politely apologize or offer to help after you've done what your boss has asked you to do. Read also:
• If you are a leader, it is very important to learn how to protect your subordinates and defend their interests. This does not mean that you will constantly indulge them. This means that what you think about them creates better working conditions for them. Show your care from the first working day!
• Work in good faith. If a newcomer is a lazy person, then the whole team understands that the unfulfilled volumes will fall on their shoulders. And no one wants to be stressed out.

• Constantly learn, develop as a specialist, leader and just as a person . There is no limit to perfection, and your desire to grow will be appreciated.
• Explore in the early days - Look at the team. Who is friends with whom, what are the conversations about, what kind of people are here.
• There are gossips in every team. You should not join them, but you should not wage war with them either. Because either way you will lose. The best option is to listen to the person and leave under a valid pretext. In no case and with anyone not to discuss the news heard. After all, the ideal means of combating gossip is complete ignorance.
• Participate in the collective life - it strengthens the team. If everyone is going to a restaurant, to the theater, to the cinema, go to the subbotnik with them.
• Don't try to please everyone - it's impossible . Be yourself. Because individuals with their own opinion and way of thinking are valued everywhere.
• Learn to rejoice in other people's successes. This emphasizes your kindness.
• Take criticism appropriately . It needs to be listened to, and if you do not agree to calmly express your opinion. But do not shout, do not get personal and do not be offended.
• Accept people for who they are . You should not impose your opinion, your own ways of solving problems and organizing working moments. Everyone decides for himself how to live and how to work.
• Decide right away who you are. And follow the instructions of superior people only. Since in almost any team there are lovers to command newcomers.
• Try not to show excitement - breathe deeply.
• Do not build yourself a bore - a know-it-all. The first days of simplicity will not hurt.
• Do not open up completely to your colleagues. And this rule applies not only to beginners. Not everyone needs to know what problems you have at home, what kind of relationship with your husband and children. Why take out dirty linen from the hut? There is a world in which there is no entrance to outsiders. Let colleagues know only about your marital status.
• Do not engage in idle chatter in the workplace. The sad fact is that instead of completing tasks, chatterboxes come to work just to chat. These employees are being fired as soon as possible. Neither bosses nor colleagues like them.

Respect is not a form of relationship. This is one of the requirements. Respect is determined

a feeling of deep admiration for the person himself or his actions, his abilities, qualities or achievements. People who have good, valuable and important qualities deserve respect.

Respect is perhaps something we can give or receive. How much should we respect the one who gives us his heart?

When it comes to respect in a relationship, it's impossible to have one without the other. These two qualities complement each other in a healthy relationship.

In this article, we'll look at 11 signs that the person you're in a relationship with respects you.

1. He is reassuring

Simply put, a person who loves and respects you wants the same thing as you. He wants his woman to be the best version of herself; which makes you both feel good. He may have an opinion on the subject, but he will not discourage you from any positive action in your life.

2. He values ​​your time and how you spend it.

The next sign of a healthy relationship is respecting each other's free time, whether you spent it together or apart. Of course, such a person is reliable when it comes to your free time. He is rarely late, for which he has a good explanation. When you need free time, for whatever reason, he shows attention and respect.

3. He won't get jealous

He has dedicated himself to you and is sure of his devotion. Thus, a person who respects you is not jealous. This quality also speaks of a person's self-confidence - a trait that many lack.

4. He doesn't try to control you.

Controlling behavior speaks of insecurity and, of course, disrespect. As already mentioned, intelligent people are not a manifestation of either the first or the second quality. A respected person who loves you will not even think about taking any action that can control you. This is quite enough to draw conclusions.

5. He takes what you say seriously.

Opinion is a matter of individual perspective and should always be respected. A respectful person actively listens and responds to your point of view. Moreover, a person is interested in you expressing your point of view, regardless of whether he agrees with it or not.

6. He doesn't escalate disagreements.

At the risk of overt revelation, every relationship has disagreements and arguments. One of the hallmarks of a real person is respect. He never tends to amplify any controversy or argument. He values ​​and respects differences as well as similarities. In addition to demonstrating his respect, the ability to "agree and disagree" shows his strength and character.

7. He is honest with you

It's hard to tell if a person is being honest with you. However, a man who deeply respects his woman finds any dishonest behavior towards her disgusting. If he says or does something that he considers dishonest, he will definitely say so.

8. He won't doubt

A healthy relationship requires two people to fully commit to being selfless. A person who respects you will not be reluctant to question or judge your choice. He understands that you have a wonderful ability to think about yourself. Otherwise, he would not be with you or would not respect you.

9. He will discuss the future of your relationship.

Some men have a tendency to shy away from discussing the "future" of their relationship. Perhaps they are not prepared enough and this may frighten them. But a person who respects you will actively listen to your point of view with a future projection, providing honest and decent feedback. If he is ready for the next step, he will tell you. If he is not ready, he will also tell you about it.

10. He enjoys spending time with you.

A person who respects you willingly devotes enough time to once again make sure that you are happy. If you enjoy certain activities and he knows it, he will do whatever it takes to make it happen. Even if he is busy, a respected person will sacrifice time that he could spend elsewhere: at work, talking with friends, etc. He will do everything so that you know that you are a priority for him.

11. He respects others

"Others" are members of your family, people in your environment, or a complete stranger. The respect a person shows for others is just as important as the respect he shows for you. For those in the early stages of their relationship, seeing how your man treats others is one of the best signs of their true nature.

If for women the concept of "respect" lies in the emotional sphere, then for men it has a more practical meaning.

My wife doesn't respect me! I have lost respect for my husband! In our relationship, respect for each other has disappeared ...- the family psychologist hears such complaints every day.

If you ask any person what they would like from a relationship with other people, I am sure that most often you will hear the word "respect".

What is respect and why is it

The need for respect for most people is among the top priorities. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, age and gender, we are very sensitive in everything that concerns respect.

Why? What gives us respect?

To answer this question, let's try to define respect. It is quite difficult to give a simple and understandable definition right off the bat, so let's try to construct this definition.

1. Respect is the attitude of one person(groups of people) to another person(group of people)

2. This relationship is based on mutual recognition of the merits of the personality of each of these people.(groups of people).

3. Recognition of the priority of their safety and non-harm: physical, psychological and moral.

4. Recognition of their fundamental rights to freedom, self-expression, religion, etc.

As can be seen from our definition, Respect is a whole complex of concepts that affects, oddly enough, our instinct for self-preservation!

Now it becomes clear why in personal relationships the problem of loss / restoration of respect becomes one of the central ones.

In order to understand what gives us respect, let's look at the diagram:

As can be seen from the diagram for men (highlighted in blue) and for women (highlighted in red), the priority qualities in the concept of "respect" are different things.

If for women the concept of "respect" lies in the emotional sphere, then for men it has a more practical meaning. Understanding these differences becomes especially important when we try to analyze what behaviors and actions inevitably lead to a loss of respect from him or her.

Before talking about the reasons for the disappearance of respect in relationships, let's think about how this concept is formed in a person in principle.

In order for a person to be able to respect others, he must have an appropriate upbringing based on mutual respect for men and women, children for parents, parents for children, as well as for other people. And one more important addition is this man must respect himself!

There is a very close relationship between self-respect and respect for others. Surely many people know the axiom that it is impossible to gain respect from others without respecting yourself. It is believed that a person's self-esteem is divided into two components:

emotional- how I feel about myself in terms of "good and evil", my assessment of myself as a "good" or "bad" person, and

rational- an indicator of my competence, professionalism, success. Note that both components that form self-esteem in men and women are different.

Consider the figure:

From the figure it becomes clear that we call respectful such an attitude towards us that strengthens or, at least, maintains our self-esteem.

Accordingly, "unfriendly" behavior that calls into question my competence or my self-esteem, I will regard as disrespectful. In relations between a man and a woman, respect is closely related to sex-role behavior, more precisely, with the expectation of a certain behavior.

Let's look at a simple example.

A man and a woman are driving in a car. Stopped.

The man got out of the car, opened the door on the woman's side and helped her out of the car.

The man showed respect for the lady (he helped to get out of the car), the woman showed respect for the man, waiting for him to come up to help get out, thanked him, thereby showing that she was confident in his good manners.

Respect breeds respect.

Unfortunately, manifestations of disrespect begin with "little things", the most typical of them are: lack of elementary gratitude at the level of thanks", inattention, failure to fulfill one's promises, raising one's voice.

Of course, some will respond to this, and some will not. I'm sure you know the saying that "little lies breed big mistrust"? The same can be said for respect. small acts of disrespect grow into big problems over time.

Signs of chronic disrespect in men and women are shown in the following figure:

It is important to note that respect is lost not only when such behavior is manifested directly to this person, but also to his relatives, friends or colleagues.

My husband does not respect my mother! My wife does not respect my friends!

Periodically, at the reception, I have to hear how this or that client speaks about the loss of respect for his wife / husband due to her / his disrespectful attitude towards relatives or friends.

Indeed, we often associate ourselves with people close to us and tend to take on our own account what is not always directed directly at us.

Why is this happening?

Belonging to a group (and family, friends, colleagues - this is a group) gives us an additional sense of security and comfort, so the manifestation of disrespect for this "our" group automatically extends to us. In disconnected families, where there are no close emotional ties, this does not happen.

There are a number of behaviors that almost always cause a long-term(if not final) loss of respect.

They are well known, they are: betrayal (treason), humiliation, insult, lies, violence.

Regardless of gender, a person who encounters such manifestations on the part of a partner instantly loses respect for him. Restoring respect after such acts is unusually difficult. This is due to the fact that each of these acts deeply hurts the self-esteem of the injured person, hurts him. Pain and respect are incompatible.

A feature of respect is that it is much more difficult to earn it than to lose it. In this sense, respect as a concept is close to trust.

What to do if you feel a loss of respect for yourself from your loved ones?

Here is a simple step-by-step guide that can help regain lost respect.

1. Look at yourself.

Analyze your behavior as "possibly wrong" in relation to the person. Maybe you violated his "boundaries", doubted his value, or simply offended ...

Not everyone is able to openly and immediately declare a wrong attitude towards themselves. Unspoken hurts don't go anywhere.

Having admitted the wrongness of your behavior, do not rush to immediately ask for forgiveness, but rather try to understand why (?) you did this.

Without understanding the motives of your behavior, you run the risk of repeating it in the future. The next step in your analysis will be to find another way to act that will not be perceived by your partner as disrespectful.

2. Start a dialogue.

Tell your partner how important his respectful attitude is to you and how you feel when such an attitude is not. Don't make excuses or shift the blame from yourself to him.

Admit your mistakes by simply listing them. Recognize the right of a person to be offended by you and change their attitude towards you.

3. Ask for forgiveness.

It's forgiveness, not apology.

Not many people know that there are big differences between these two terms.

Apology is a more formal, secular term. Its essence boils down to asking to withdraw the apologetic from the "state of guilt". Forgiveness is a more personal term, not to say intimate - its essence is a request to accept repentance.

4. Take action.

Whether you've been forgiven or not, your awareness of your mistakes must be transformed into a new attitude and actions.

Remember that you first need to regain your respect for yourself and you are on the right track. published If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet