Gaslighting is a very peculiar form of violence in a relationship, which most often manifests itself not through assault or threats, but more "smartly", as a constant and persistent suppression of the will of the victim by denying its adequacy of perception. In a fairly saturated social environment - university, work - gaslighting also occurs, but in rather mild versions. But in real interpersonal relationships, like marriage, gaslighting often makes the victim's life a living hell...
Gaslighting: The Psychology of a Toxic Relationship
Gaslighting is a special kind of psychological abuse (abuse), which describes the manipulative behavior of the rapist (abuser) towards the victim. It is not necessary that the first will show physical violence or even rudeness. The main purpose of gaslighting is to sow doubts in another person about the reality of what is happening and their own perception of reality. Simply put, this is an attempt to make the other person "crazy" in his own eyes. Very often this cruel game is played by men in relation to a woman.
The idea of gaslighting, as well as the goal of the aggressor, is clear: if you talk about something that you don’t see, don’t want to see, or don’t attach importance to another, then this indicates not a difference in views, but that something is personally wrong with you. if not, you are defective. Psychologists have given a specific definition to this idea (and the corresponding manipulations). But the name of this term comes from the old American mystical thriller "Gaslight" (from "gas glow"): the main character, a young girl, becomes a witness to strange phenomena, "lights", repeating with a fairly high frequency. The heroine's husband (who organized these "strange" phenomena) assures her that he is imagining everything, and thus almost brings his wife to psychosis.
In fact, almost everyone has experienced gaslighting attempts - for example, when listening to statements about the actual "mental disability" or "inadequate perception." However, they turn into a problem itself only when the addressee does not critically rethink such statements, and begins to believe at least a little. Over time, this little bit turns into a snowball that covers the victim of gaslighting with his head ...
True, any person can have his own alternative point of view or even be mistaken in his perception - after all, not everyone and not always agrees with us. So there is one very important point here, separating manipulation and simple disagreement in views. With a simple disagreement, the opponents say: “I do not agree with you, I have a different vision of the situation / feeling of the atmosphere.” And it's about yourself, about your world and your vision. It becomes possible to contact two people or, at least, the coexistence of two pictures of the world.
It is important to remember the following: there is a tangible difference between ignoring with devaluation and reasoned disagreement. The other person has every right not to share our vision of a relationship or situation, but without linking our vision to our own problems or shortcomings.
Similarly, there is a huge difference between situational and systematic ignoring. Neither we nor our partners are perfect, and we can show emotional coldness, “ignorance” and simple unwillingness to discuss anything at a particular moment in time. The whole difference is that with gaslighting, this state of affairs is the norm, a constant background, the usual state of the abuser, and not a rare episode.
It is noteworthy that gaslighting is not necessarily carried out by the aggressor knowingly and with malicious intent. As a rule, it is based on powerful shame, a sense of one's own imperfection or even insignificance. As a consequence, a person is reluctant to admit his own imperfection and his own contribution to the problem.
Gaslighting: how to identify the signs?
When gaslighting, the opponent’s pose “Look at yourself!” is clearly visible, here the contact of two equal, equal personalities is excluded. Therefore, psychologists distinguish dthe main signs of gaslighting: 1) doubt about the adequacy of the interlocutor; 2) denial of what is important to the interlocutor (be it facts, plans or feelings).
There are two main roles in a gaslighting situation: the aggressor, who is "adequate" ("normal"), and the victim, who is "abnormal" ("inadequate"). “Adequate”, instead of listening to the words of “abnormal” (not necessarily agreeing, by the way), rejects them right away - well, what good can this “hysterical”, “abnormal” and so on say? A common situation: if a man is afraid of strong emotions, then those who express them are often automatically recorded as “inadequate”. “There was no such thing”, “you are inventing”, “you misunderstand everything” are frequent words in the arsenal of the “adequate”, which has a monopoly on the “correct understanding”. Psychologically “savvy” people like to throw in scientific jargon: “These are all your projections” (it is forgotten that projections can be adequate) or “These emotions of yours are due to the fact that you did not work out your problems with a psychologist enough” (about that even an "excessive" emotional reaction does not mean the absence of a problem that causes it - is also forgotten). Sometimes there is a complete lack of reaction to the words of the victim: the aggressor simply listened indifferently - that's all, got up and went about his business. However, “adequate” does not have to be rigidly ignoring, he can be “understanding”, “sympathizing”. For example, in response to a friend’s dissatisfaction, she constantly responds affectionately: “I understand you, you are depressed, that’s why you say so. Rest, please, and go to a psychologist, I am ready to pay any expenses.
In general, there are eight different ways of discounting and ignoring that are used in gaslighting relationships:
- "I understand how bad you feel." Instead of discussing specific issues - unsolicited pity and sympathy, ignoring what was said. For example, men like to blame all the dissatisfaction of their women on PMS.
- "You only see what you want to see." In fact, this is a counter-accusation, a transfer of the conversation from the subject to personal shortcomings.
- "Always out of place." Whenever a partner comes up for a heart-to-heart talk, it always turns out to be inopportune, inappropriate and “not now”.
- "I have taken note." In response to a long emotional message and appeal - a short "OK, I'll think about it", "took note" or "okay". And that's all - after that, no consequences.
- "You care about it - you decide." The problem is with the one who started the conversation about the problem. Him/her to understand. If everything suits me personally, I will not do anything.
- "A real man (woman) does not behave like that." That is, if you were better (other) - there would be no problem at all. "Work on yourself, grow!" - advises the aggressor.
- "You want to jeopardize our relationship?" A hint (or even blackmail) that attempts to clarify something will lead to a deterioration of what is now. At the same time, the culprit (culprit) has already been identified: “I warned you!”
- “Well, there is, but you’re obviously exaggerating everything because you have…”: this is a softer, “timid” version of gaslighting, which, however, is even more common than the other seven.
Be that as it may, the aggressor (abuser) constantly ignores the needs of the victim. The gaslighter convinces the victim that they are delusional about their thoughts and feelings about themselves or their lives, telling them that they are unnatural - for example, caused by fatigue, misunderstanding, lack of competence, a mental disorder hidden in the genes, etc. (almost provoked by magnetic storms). That is, in fact, everything that causes dissatisfaction in the victim is immediately explained by the aggressor as a shortcoming or fault of the victim. The object of attacks constantly hears hints or even reproaches in the spirit of “you complicate everything”; “You think so because you have depression (bipolar disorder, latent schizophrenia, etc.)”; "You're overreacting to the usual remarks."
Since the aggressor is, as a rule, a close person (husband, boyfriend, partner), the victim gradually begins to come to terms with the idea that “something is wrong” with her. And in the end, a person assigned to the role of “abnormal” can really start to think that something is wrong with him, feel annoying, hysterical, too arrogant, and so on. There are situations when the victim constantly asks the question: “Is my reaction generally normal?”. Of course, such a position does not bring clarity to the situation and does not calm the nerves - on the contrary, it prevents the victim from looking at things realistically and evaluating the partner's behavior. The victim, on the other hand, recognizes the competence and total power of the aggressor, because as soon as he “correctly understands” what is happening and “knows better” what she feels.
Gaslighting: how to resist?
Fortunately, in most cases it is impossible to gaslight the victim to a mental clinic, as in that Hollywood movie, but at least she is guaranteed a neurosis. So it is imperative to resist this pressure! First off, there are three things you should never do when gaslighting:
- Persuade your opponent: you are just wasting your time on arguments. Keep proof of your own sanity for yourself and some other loved ones, but don't worry about showing it off to the gaslighter.
- Try to keep the relationship. Think for a second that you can fix the situation, and don't… try to do it: it just won't work. The aggressor's behavior is most likely the result of a behavioral disorder or mental illness. Until he realizes this, nothing will help.
- Take drugs or alcohol - they will make your life worse in every way, aggravating the neurosis.
So what do you do if you are the victim of a gaslighter? What to do in such situations if a loved one clearly wrote you down as "abnormal"? To begin with: if you start to feel “wrong”, hysterical, torn apart in a permanent relationship with someone (against the background of a dazzlingly shining “adequate”), you should state the unfortunate fact: you still got caught, got involved in the manipulation of the aggressor. Well... all you have to do is forgive yourself for it! And in no case do not make excuses (even to yourself, not to mention the aggressor) and do not look for reasons or “defects” in yourself. And even better is to muster up the courage and part with the one who turns your life into a nightmare as soon as possible. Indeed, if you solve this problem briefly and simply, then you need to get out of relationships as soon as possible in which there is no place for you, your feelings and thoughts. Regain a sense of self-worth, which will inevitably suffer in a gaslighted situation, when the aggressor assumes the “problem-in-you” pose. It is useless to play by the rules of a pseudo-adequate partner, because the only condition that will allow him to recognize you as “adequate” is complete surrender and rejection of all his uncomfortable needs and feelings. That is the renunciation of self.
Gaslighting: how to fight?
If you decided to adopt the tactics "The best defense is an attack" and maintain a relationship with the aggressor? In this situation, various psychotherapists and psychologists advise different things. From "talk heart to heart with the aggressor" to "swap roles with him" or "take the whole soul out of him."
As for the first, this is perhaps the wrong step: it is usually impossible to “get through” to the other, because the aggressor is not ready to hear and listen to the victim. In ordinary relationships, even if we do something “wrong” (for example, we choose such a form of expressing our feelings in which we don’t want to start a conversation at all), another person who sincerely wants to solve the problem that has arisen will try to take counter steps in the form of questions. , clarifications, expressions of one's own feelings. In gaslighting, all this is absent - the efforts to preserve are made exclusively by the "abnormal". That is, in this case, gaslighting in the relationship is resumed - and you are not striving for this!
First you need to understand that weakness is not in the victim, but in the rapist. The whole essence of his actions is to whitewash himself, to project all his shortcomings onto you. According to psychologists, behind gaslighting is a deep and powerful fear of hurting one's own ego or admitting one's own contribution to the problem, the fear of losing control of the situation or trying to maintain one's own dignity. And the second thing to realize in this situation is that you will never change your partner. Especially if he does not want to change himself.
So you better take care of yourself! There are many ways to help you get back on your feet and forget about toxic relationships: sports, clubs, various activities - from macrame to learning English, volunteering ... It is more constructive to find yourself a new job, a friend, make a career and change your life than try to fix someone who does not want to do it.
Human life without aggression is impossible. Another thing is that some of the forms of aggressive behavior (for example, screaming, assault, etc.) can be frightening, and therefore they are suppressed from childhood, called bad and unacceptable. But few parents tell the child: to experience anger and express it with words, intonation, gestures - you can, but take a knife from the table and swing it - absolutely not. Usually aggression is suppressed in full, even at the level of experience and awareness. "Take it easy! What did you scream for?! Are you crazy?". And there is nothing left but to restrain yourself all the time so as not to feel shame for experiencing anger and irritation in front of a significant adult.
Then an adult has no choice but to look for other ways for the manifestation of separation feelings - those that mark autonomy, the separation of the organism from all others, the presence of its own needs.
These other ways, as a rule, the psyche seeks unconsciously. It is unlikely that a person sits and thinks: “sooo, you can’t get angry, you can’t do anything like that, you need to be calm (otherwise everyone around will be unhappy), so I’ll try, for example, to promise something and not do it. And thus show them that I am also a person here! Usually this is all done automatically. No choice. For example, such a covertly aggressive person often likes to be late for meetings. Or tell one some stories about another, knowing that these stories will be unpleasant for him (or her). Or - as I already wrote - promise something and not do it (and explain everything by the circumstances and your own helplessness).
Such a person is unlikely to offer any compensation for the damage caused; rather, he will try to blame someone or something third for the situation, but not himself. “Well, you know, it happened…”. After all, he has not adjusted the sense of internal responsibility for his life, just as the healthy ability to express aggression has not been regulated - in clear forms, refusals, setting one's own boundaries and respecting the boundaries of another. This function is poorly understood and practically does not work.
Messages that mark covert (or passive) aggression:
"I'm late, it just happened..."
“I promised, but other things appeared, Vanya called and said ... and I had to ...”
“If it wasn’t for them, then I…”
"You know I can't..."
“You must understand that I am a bonded person…”
"Next time will be as you wish"
“Alright, stop being mad at me.”
Intimacy with a Covert Aggressive Person
In relations with such a person, there is a great temptation to begin to control him, to scold him, to teach him how to treat people, what is bad and what is good. "Well, look what you've done! How is that possible!”. That is, take a parental role in relation to him. Such a strategy, of course, can help for a while - a fearful disapproval, covertly aggressive person will try to "calm down" the nervous other and temporarily be a "good boy". But as soon as everything calms down, covert-aggressive manipulations will begin again. And so - in a circle.
If you refrain from taking on a parental role, you can act out the reciprocal anger in a mirror way - make “reciprocal set-ups”, be late for a longer time, promise and not fulfill something, and so on. Compete in every possible way, who will “make” whom more. The crown of such relationships is “sometimes on a horse, then under a horse”, “now you, then you”. Fatigue, exhaustion, constant hunger for closeness, calmness, trusting contact.
If you remain in an equal position in relation to such a person, you will have to withstand his hidden aggressive messages and all the time insist on compensation for illegal forms of trespassing. Perhaps this will become a tedious task that will sooner or later get bored (after all, you will have to make a lot of effort to get at least something “edible” in a relationship) and you will want to increase the distance. Interest in interaction will decrease.
Psychotherapy of a covert-aggressive client
Human life without aggression is impossible. Another thing is that some of the forms of aggressive behavior (for example, screaming, assault, etc.) can be frightening, and therefore they are suppressed from childhood, called bad and unacceptable. But few parents tell the child: to experience anger and express it with words, intonation, gestures - you can, but taking a knife from the table and waving it is absolutely not. Usually aggression is suppressed in full, even at the level of experience and awareness. "Take it easy! What did you scream for?! Are you crazy?". And there is nothing left but to restrain yourself all the time so as not to feel shame for experiencing anger and irritation in front of a significant adult.
Then an adult has no choice but to look for other ways for the manifestation of separation feelings - those that mark autonomy, the separation of the organism from all others, the presence of its own needs.
These other ways, as a rule, the psyche seeks unconsciously. It is unlikely that a person sits and thinks: “sooo, you can’t get angry, you can’t do anything like that, you need to be calm (otherwise everyone around will be unhappy), so I’ll try, for example, to promise something and not do it. And thus show them that I am also a person here! Usually this is all done automatically. No choice. For example, such a covertly aggressive person often likes to be late for meetings. Or tell one some stories about another, knowing that these stories will be unpleasant for him (or her). Or - as I already wrote - promise something and not do it (and explain everything by the circumstances and your own helplessness). Such a person is unlikely to offer any compensation for the damage caused; rather, he will try to blame someone or something third for the situation, but not himself. “Well, you know, it happened…”. After all, he has not adjusted the sense of internal responsibility for his life, just as the healthy ability to express aggression has not been regulated - in clear forms, refusals, setting one's own boundaries and respecting the boundaries of another. This function is poorly understood and practically does not work.
Messages that mark covert aggression:
"I'm late, it just happened..."
“I promised, but other things appeared, Vanya called and said ... and I had to ...”
“If it wasn’t for them, then I…”
"You know I can't..."
“You must understand that I am a bonded person…”
"Next time will be as you wish"
“Alright, stop being mad at me.”
Intimacy with a Covert Aggressive Person
In relations with such a person, there is a great temptation to start controlling him, scolding him, teaching him how to treat people, what is bad and what is good. “Well, look what you have done! How is that possible!” That is, take a parental role in relation to him. Such a strategy, of course, can help for a while - a feared disapproval, covertly aggressive person will try to "calm down" the nervous other and temporarily be a "good boy". But as soon as everything calms down, covert-aggressive manipulations will begin again. And so - in a circle.
If you refrain from taking on a parental role, you can act out the reciprocal anger in a mirror way - making “reciprocal setups”, being late for a longer time, promising and not fulfilling something, and so on. Compete in every possible way, who will “make” whom more. The crown of such relationships is “sometimes on a horse, then under a horse”, “now you, then you”. Fatigue, exhaustion, constant hunger for closeness, calmness, trusting contact.
If you remain in an equal position in relation to such a person, you will have to withstand his hidden aggressive messages and all the time insist on compensation for illegal forms of trespassing. Perhaps this will become a tedious task that will sooner or later get bored (after all, you will have to make a lot of effort to get at least something “edible” in a relationship) and you will want to increase the distance. Interest in interaction will decrease.
Psychotherapy of a covert-aggressive client
In the process of psychotherapy of a latent-aggressive client, if one has applied, the main task is to restore a healthy function of the manifestation of dental aggression, that is, one that helps to take something or achieve something (“nibble”) in a relationship. The transition from manipulative forms of achieving the desired, to direct, legal forms. “I want this, but I don’t want this. I have the right to do so and do not experience toxic shame or guilt about my own uniqueness.” Such a client needs to learn to reject and endure rejection, not overwhelmed with resentment or guilt, but with confidence and perhaps some sadness or regret.
I am me and you are you.
I didn't come into this world to meet your expectations.
You didn't come into this world to match mine.
If we meet, that's great.
If not, it cannot be helped.
Relationships of the type of aggressiveness can be defined as imbued with mutual hostility and hatred of people. These relationships, as shown by the long history of the existence of human society, are as "eternal" as the above-mentioned positive relationships such as friendship, love and altruism. Why did aggressiveness between people exist, exist and, probably, will continue to exist for a long time?
First of all, probably because the interests of people are significantly different, and their needs may turn out to be incompatible and can often be satisfied only by violating or neglecting the interests and needs of other people. In addition, aggressiveness can also give rise to social inequality of people, which most of them consider as unfair. For example, the one who has more from life has evoked and will probably always evoke a feeling of envy among the poor. Most people are unlikely to ever get rid of this feeling completely.
The history of human relations and passions, vividly and colorfully presented to us by writers and philosophers, convincingly testifies that people, as they were hundreds of years ago, remain so today. The description of human passions, the interpersonal aggression generated by them in the works of writers of the past is like two drops of water similar to the passions and aggressive attitudes of modern people. Recent history and modernity demonstrate no less interpersonal aggression than seventy, one hundred, two hundred and more years ago. All this suggests that there are probably hard-to-remove, not always subject to people reasons for the manifestation of hostility, aggression and hatred between them.
Among these reasons, one can name not only objective, but also subjective factors. The main objective factor is the incompatibility of people's interests, due to the fact that in many cases of life some unwittingly become the cause of violation of the interests and dissatisfaction of the needs of others, for this reason they cause provoked or unprovoked aggressive actions of opponents and themselves respond to them. One of the subjective factors of aggression is the intellectual and personal individual differences of people, which often lead to misunderstanding of each other. In general, the causes of aggression turn out to be the same that lead to conflicts.
The emergence and development of aggression in interpersonal relations has its own laws and dynamics. Usually, the initial stage of the emergence of interpersonal aggression of people is their individual differences and incompatibility of interests. If their influence on interpersonal relations is somehow not blocked, then sooner or later the initial contradiction will give rise to a conflict and cause open aggression on the part of one or both of the individuals involved in it. The interpersonal aggression that has arisen in this way will every time cause in one person an unconscious attitude to counteract the opponent. As a result, the behavior of this person in relation to another from the very beginning turns out to be aimed at delivering trouble to him.
Aggression in relations between people, if it has already arisen, becomes difficult to eliminate, since the negative emotional and motivational attitudes associated with it are stable, arise automatically and are hardly controlled by consciousness. This, however, does not mean that aggressive relations between people cannot be eliminated, it only means that it is easier to prevent them than to change them when they have already arisen.
Aggressiveness in interpersonal relations is expressed in the conscious or unconscious desire of a person to harm someone or something, destroy, destroy. Aggression is not called a forced, response defensive reaction to a threat or the commission of harmful actions against the person who himself behaves aggressively towards other people. An aggressive person is called a person who shows an unforced, non-random, morally unjustified, not caused by objective circumstances, for example, the need for self-defense or the protection of other people, a tendency to attack people, insult them in word and deed.
Aggression can be generated by various reasons. Among them are incorrect upbringing, a tense and constantly irritated mental state of a person, an unfavorable personal experience of life, frequent frustrations, increased activity of the so-called biological center of aggressiveness that exists in the brain, and a number of other reasons. Due to the many possible causes of aggressiveness, there is still no single theory of the origin of aggressiveness.
The object of a person's aggressive behavior may be himself, and then hostile actions are called auto-aggression. His aggressive actions may be directed at other people, in which case the term "aggression" is most often used.
Love and Aggression
Psychologists have noticed that love attachment is often accompanied by various forms of aggression. Why do people show peacefulness and benevolence in the initial period of love relationships, and when approaching a partner, they begin to show aggressiveness? in partners' lives.
Aggression does not mean at all that the partner's feelings have dried up. On the contrary, he increasingly feels a close connection, often even after prolonged intimacy.
The reason for the partner's aggression is the fear of loss and jealousy. Bringing suffering to a partner, the "tyrant in love" strengthens himself in the belief that he has power over him and at the same time rarely feels guilty. This is reminiscent of the situation of "suffocation" of a kitten, which was squeezed "to death", only because it evokes a feeling of endless sympathy with all its appearance. Such a "black grotesque" exhausts and exhausts both partners. The love tyrant suffers no less than his partner, but more often - from self-pity, which doubles his spiritual heaviness even more. For the opposite partner, such a relationship can turn into a deep disappointment, because over time, his self-esteem decreases, and his own suppressed aggressiveness turns into depression.
Love aggressiveness has the psychological roots of subconscious self-punishment and revenge complexes in the form of self-destruction. Some of these complexes are associated with childhood. Sometimes we can observe childhood and teenage hatred and rage, which are inevitable in the life of every child. We allow the child to react uncontrollably and forgive his anger only because we know about the complexities of the formation and development of a fragile personality, which over time will learn to suppress its negative emotions. And only in an adult personality does the frustration of aggressiveness become noticeable: a person's perception of a threat to satisfy certain needs. However, this threat is not always real.
Frustrated aggressiveness can manifest itself in bouts of helplessness and inability to assess the degree of threat, exacerbation of self-esteem and pride. And although the great classic Goethe wrote that "there is no better means of salvation from excessive pride than love," then an aggressive person, experiencing love attraction, feels an internal psychological conflict between his "ego" and the desire to sacrifice something in the name of love. And the victims are their own habits and temperament, which in the new conditions require self-control.
From the very beginning, partners should be able to dose their affection and tenderness, since, bathing a partner in love and care, we cannot guarantee that this will continue in everyday life with him. As soon as the sweet "candy-berry" period of the relationship ends, one person does not respond to the lack of kisses and other signs of attention, and the other is disappointed or looks at the future with fear ... A feeling of danger, anxiety and even panic appears. Therefore, one should not exaggerate the degree of external manifestations of one's love, then depriving one's partner of self-confidence.
At the forefront should be internal mutual attraction, and not emotions that attract attention. Despite the fact that it is impossible to predict the behavior of a partner in the future, from the very beginning of the relationship one should not indulge his whims, play the role of a “soft pillow”, jealously protecting and fencing him off from the outside world. Love relationships should not affect the independence of partners, but provide them with a lifestyle that does not involve dictation "how to behave and what to do." Over time, lovers come to terms with reality and react less painfully to a lack of attention or a weakening of sexual passion.
It is also necessary to exclude love claims, constantly demanding: "kiss me" or "prove that you still love me." By connecting their lives, lovers learn mutual respect and patience, and do not put each other in shackles. The atmosphere of rejection and lack of impressions is compensated not only with the help of understanding and mutual satisfaction of each other's vital needs, but also the courage to say “no”. After all, indulging the weaknesses of another person, we forget about our own point of view and our own interests.
