Anger is an emotion, our inner response to what we perceive. Emotions, feelings motivate us, allow (or force) to choose one or another form of behavior. Since we usually evaluate behavior in terms of "good" and "bad", the emotions that define it are given the same label. Emotions in and of themselves cannot be good or bad. at least as long as they are an internal property of a person. Awareness, reflection of feelings allows us to make more responsible decisions.

The intensity of the experience of emotion can be very different; not every gradation of it can be adequately expressed in speech. We talk freely about our annoyance, but very rarely about our anger. Of someone else, we can say that he is "enraged" or "furious." Below we will consider the feeling of anger in all gradations of the intensity of its experience.

In learning to express and control your anger, it is important to understand what triggers this emotion and how it “functions”. This will allow you to express it more constructively.

Anger usually has three components:

1. Anger is usually a defensive reaction. We experience anger when we feel the need to protect ourselves physically or psychologically.

2. Anger comes to us when we don't get what we want. This is a common reaction in a state of frustration when our plans are ruined or something threatens to disrupt them.

3. The experience of anger is associated with the idea of ​​violating one's rights. Thus, we become so focused on the idea that we have been treated unfairly that we are no longer able to think about our participation in what is happening, or about it. how to resolve the conflict.

So, anger is a defensive, self-affirming reaction to frustration or aggression.

FUNCTIONS OF ANGER

The emotional reaction, which we designate with the word anger or related concepts, has a variety of influences on us and has many functions. Some of them (in our opinion - the most important) are listed below:

1. Anger causes a surge of strength, energy. He directs us to active actions and mobilizes the energy necessary for them.

2. Anger interrupts current purposeful behavior. Excitement, preoccupation with openly injustice impairs our ability to perceive and adequately evaluate new information.

3. Anger facilitates negative reactions that, on the one hand,

On the other hand, they block the receipt of information necessary for making a constructive decision, and, on the other hand, they contribute to the exaggeration of the significance of the conflict, which leads to its escalation.

4. Anger helps us overcome indecision associated with mental vulnerability by reducing anxiety about external conflicts. Anger encourages us to ignore our fears and fears and take actions that we wouldn't dare to do otherwise.

5. Anger increases the readiness for aggressive action. If we are brought up in the spirit of unconditional protection of our rights, aggression can become for us not a consciously controlled behavior, but almost a reflex reaction.

6. Anger can be a signal that some event threatens our physical or psychological integrity, even before we are aware of this danger. Reflection of the emotional reaction of anger in this case helps us in analyzing the situation and our attitude towards it.

7. Anger helps to maintain a sense of self-righteousness in confrontation with others.

8. Anger has an intimidating effect on some people and thus can be seen as a means of interpersonal influence. When we want to suppress someone, hold on to our position or control a situation, in anger, as an emotional state, we find our ally.

CONSTRUCTIVE ANGER

The experience, and especially the expression of anger, can lead to very unpleasant complications. The person to whom our anger is directed is more likely to respond to us with hostility. In this regard, we may experience anger against the background of anxiety about the hostile feelings and actions of our partner. However, a constructively expressed feeling of anger can have a beneficial effect on a conflict situation.

As you master the art of expressing your anger, try the following guidelines:

1. Recognize the fact that you are feeling angry (irritated, enraged, etc.). Anger is a natural healthy emotion, and its experience is not associated with sin or vice. Everyone experiences anger from time to time. Your task is not to suppress it, but to learn how to manage it and express it correctly. Suppressed anger will manifest itself as psychosomatic disorders, and in general will reduce the quality of your life.

2. Decide if you want to express your feelings of anger. As a rule, it is wiser to go for a confrontation at the moment a conflict situation arises than after a few days filled with fruitless experiences. But it happens that a temporary way out of a conflict situation creates more favorable conditions for its resolution.

3. Prepare in advance for situations that can provoke anger or depression (frustrations, attacks from others, etc.). Have in stock alternative reactions that you can tune in ahead of time. For example, relaxation or a volitional change in the vision of the situation, in which it loses its provoking effect.

4. If the situation allows and you have decided to express your anger, do it in a direct (immediate) form. By expressing anger, you make a communicative impact, that is, you inform your partner about something. This message may express your attitude towards him, or may indicate the extreme importance for you of those affected by the conflict of values. Refusing to express your feelings (including anger) creates serious problems in communication, because it covers, and at least does not allow some very significant aspects of your personality to be revealed. You avoid developing topics that are important to you in your relationship with your partner and thereby extremely impoverish and distort his idea of ​​you. By refraining from expressing feelings, you demonstrate your disinterest in relationships, your lack of engagement in them. All this can be perceived by the communication partner as a dismissive attitude towards him. (See “Guidelines for expressing anger directly” below.)

5. If the situation does not allow direct expression of anger, and a way out of the situation is impossible, try to express your anger indirectly (indirectly). The expression of feelings is the more appropriate, the higher the intensity of their experience, and the stronger the need to express them. Do not neglect the expression of even relatively weak feelings (for example, irritation, slight disappointment, etc.) - driven “inside”, they tend to grow. An indirect expression of anger bypasses its object or is directed at a dummy:

A) Vigorous exercise (running, swimming, playing tennis,

forced walking) provide an outlet for physical energy, promote muscular and thus emotional release and relaxation.

B) In solitude, give free rein to your desire to express anger. All means are good: screaming, moaning, hitting a pillow or a punching bag, throwing things, etc., to the best of your imagination. Such a “formal” expression of anger gives a good emotional release.

C) The resolution of the conflict situation in the imagination or reconciliation with it can significantly reduce the intensity of the experience of anger. Give up thoughts of revenge. Vividly imagine that you have forgiven your partner in conflict.

6. Analysis of the conditions for the emergence and characteristics of the course of emotional reactions of anger. Try to figure out for yourself what events (situations) make you feel angry. Study the inner components of this emotional reaction, its forerunners. Identify your sensitive points, the “pressure” on which causes you to have a defensive reaction of anger. Think about how you can organize your life so that you naturally avoid situations that trigger these reactions. Determine what adaptive tasks anger solves for you (see above). Consider whether these goals can be achieved by other means.

7. Congratulate yourself on every achievement in controlling your emotions. Do not pay much attention to the failures in this matter (after all, the current failures used to be your normal state) and to the caustic remarks of others.

DIRECT EXPRESSION OF ANGER

If the situation allows for a direct expression of anger and you decide to do so, we suggest that you follow these recommendations:

1. Do not stop in the expression of anger in the middle of the road. This feeling requires exhaustive expression, it is not one of those emotional states that should be restrained or can be discharged in small portions. The active means of discharge are varied: laughter, shouting, talking about your problems, etc. If the “release session” is carried out correctly, after it you will no longer experience feelings of anger or irritation.

2. Take your time with the manifestation of feelings. Make sure that they really oppose you - after all, you can make a mistake in assessing the situation.

3. Express anger only to people who

are directly related to the conflict. Don't take your feelings out on strangers, be specific: "Because you're doing this and that, I feel like I'm completely disregarded."

4. Realize that by expressing your feelings, you take responsibility for them. Address your “claims” not to the partner’s personality, but to his actions or the situation that has developed due to them. Keep in mind that expressing your feelings about a situation reduces your chances of getting out of it by increasing your involvement in what is happening.

5. Remember that too intense expression of anger can be perceived by the partner as a readiness for antagonistic actions and lead to an escalation of the conflict. In addition, in affect, your ability to evaluate what is happening and make decisions is sharply reduced.

6. Try to avoid expressing feelings for the sake of self-assertion and demonstrating your superiority. In this case, affective expression loses its communicative significance.

7. Stay focused on the task at hand. You will better manage your feelings and achieve greater success in resolving the conflict if you focus only on the essence of the problem that has arisen. Do not take personally the reproaches and claims put forward by the conflict partner, remember that this is only a generally accepted form of expression, but in fact the claims relate to some of your specific actions or the current situation as a whole. Resentment will drag you into unwanted side conflicts and distract you from the essence. In turn, avoid personal attacks and express your anger about specific aspects of the situation.

8. Be aware of the impact that expressing your feelings has on your partner. Having given vent to your irritation, you will most likely feel better, but your emotional message can have an unpredictable effect on the “recipient”. After you have spoken, you must certainly give your partner the opportunity to express his feelings in turn.

9. When expressing anger, mobilize all your communication skills, trying to catch the partner's response through non-verbal means of expression.

10. When expressing your anger during a discussion of a situation, do not forget about expressing your positive feelings, the reason for which can be found in any situation. A wide range of expressed emotions demonstrates your interest in the partner's personality and the current situation, as well as evidence of your constructive orientation.

> 13. Expressing your anger and reacting to someone else's anger

> They say that when Leonardo da Vinci was working on "The Last Supper", he was terribly angry with one person and, losing his temper, cursed him with rude and offensive words. Returning to the canvas, Leonardo was about to paint the face of Jesus, but he was so upset that he could not pull himself together and begin this responsible and painstaking work. Finally, he threw down the brush, went, found the man whom he had offended, and asked his forgiveness. He forgave him and only then Leonardo was able to write the face of Christ.

> The predicament in which Leonardo da Vinci found himself is familiar to many of us. The artist became angry, exploded, vented his anger in the most pernicious way possible and, to his horror, found that the relationship with that person remained unclear, and he himself became even worse. His energy was spent on goals very far from creativity, his attention was scattered, and he could not devote himself entirely to work. And, only by apologizing for the form in which he expressed his anger, Leonardo regained his peace of mind and was able to continue working.

> Many Christians are concerned not only with the ways in which anger is expressed, but also with whether it should be shown at all. "Whenever I swallow my anger, it feels like a sharp pain in my stomach," says renowned Christian writer John Powell.

> Anger is one of the most mysterious and obscure emotions that causes fear and even disgust in a large number of Christians. Many have been taught to believe that anger is a sin and that godly and God-fearing Christians do not feel such a feeling at all. As one survey showed, 65% of Christian schoolchildren believe that people with a great experience of life in Christ do not experience anger at all. But at the same time, 100% of the respondents admitted that they themselves experience it from time to time!

> Anger breeds intense anxiety and guilt. People sincerely want to follow God's will in everything they do, but often get confused, not knowing whether to "turn the other cheek" or, conversely, to defend themselves and stubbornly stand their ground. On the one hand, we know that Jesus directly and confidently defended His positions not only before the Pharisees, but also before His disciples and other people close to Him. But on the other hand, Christians are sincerely afraid that by expressing their anger, they may lose control of themselves and fall into sin.

> Instead of confronting their anger openly and face-to-face, people often resort to half-measures that seem to relieve the situation for a while, but ultimately harm relationships and exacerbate feelings of guilt and confusion.

> Some, for example, are so afraid to show angry feelings that they hide and even deny them. But anger, to their surprise, still spills out in the form of mockery and sarcastic remarks. So, television comedies about family life are full of unkind jokes that ridicule and humiliate family members. These seemingly innocent and harmless remarks are in fact not too carefully disguised manifestations of malice and hostility. Snide jokes about a person's appearance or venomous comments about someone's inability to manage a household are especially common. The children in these films now and then irreverently ridicule their parents, and they, in turn, taking advantage of the inexperience of the children, put them in a stupid position and all this, according to the authors, is very funny.

> There are people who explode like a volcano, bringing down accusations and insults on the heads of those around them with hot lava. Perhaps, immediately after such an "eruption" they feel some relief, but, as a rule, people with an "explosive" character experience remorse, remembering what and how they said. And those who live and work near such people are often afraid of them, not knowing what will cause the next eruption, especially since they have already been hit by “debris” more than once.

> But no less terrible and dangerous are the so-called " internal izverzheniya". Anger does not spill out, but overwhelms a person from the inside. This can lead to depression, various addictions, suicidal thoughts, even suicide. The feelings that a person hides or hides from himself eventually begin to rule him.

> Sometimes repressed anger just finds another way out. A person who is angry with his boss may come home and viciously kick a dog, punish a child, scold his wife...

> Those who consciously and deliberately deny their anger the right to exist, pay for it with a variety of diseases. This is reflected in our speech: "It makes my cheekbones ache", "This whole story is a complete headache." A person inspires himself that he is not angry, but anger lives in him, not disappearing anywhere. We try to deceive ourselves, but the body tells us the truth.

> Expressing your anger

> It is difficult to express anger without being passive or aggressive. With some effort, we can develop the ability to handle anger in the way that a confident lifestyle requires. But, unfortunately, many of us have been conditioned to perceive the gospel like Thumper, the rabbit from Bambi: "If you can't say anything nice about anyone (or anyone), then don't say anything at all." However, there are ways to express your anger without doing anything wrong. Remember: anger in itself is not a sin; some ways of its manifestation are sinful. Ephesians 4:26 admonishes us: "When angry, do not sin; the sun shall not go down in your anger."

> Sometimes it seems to us that by expressing our anger, we thereby offend a person and spoil relations with him. But, hiding angry feelings, we are no less likely to spoil the relationship! Anger will still seep out, and in the most pernicious forms. We begin to avoid the person we are angry with, punish him with silence, pout, grumble, find fault, "make an elephant out of a fly", looking for an excuse for a scandal or, even worse, for revenge. How many friendships have been shattered because both sides tried to hide their anger instead of being honest about it!

> A constructive way to express anger is to behave according to the main principle of a confident lifestyle: to take care of others and yourself. To do this, you need to openly explain what caused your anger and what you think should be done to correct the situation. You will find that in most cases, this behavior allows you to defuse a tense situation and find a peaceful and healthy solution to the problem.

> Here are some tips for expressing anger constructively.

> Admit you're angry

> This is one of the most positive manifestations of self-confidence. Admit to yourself honestly and openly that from time to time you are overcome by anger, that this anger is your own, that you are responsible for it and will be able to manifest it in a way that maintains respect for yourself and others! This is the choice a person who lives confidently will make.

> Instead of "You should" say "It would be nice if"

> Human thinking most directly affects the ways of expressing angry feelings. If you often think and talk about how others should behave, then you apply your own standards of behavior to people. When they don't live up to those standards, you naturally feel frustrated and angry. Most of the time, though, people play by their own rules, not yours!

> Consider this example: your child is in first grade, and you are going to a PTA meeting for the first time, hoping to find like-minded friends there. To your disappointment, almost all members of the committee already know each other and are discussing future vacations, making joint plans. After the meeting, you remember for a long time how you felt superfluous, and express your dissatisfaction with friends and acquaintances.

> No need to say (neither to yourself nor others): "All members of the parent committee should show attention and friendly participation to those who came to the meeting for the first time!"

> You need to say (to yourself and, if you want, to someone else): "It would be great if the members of the parent committee showed attention and friendly participation to those who came to the meeting for the first time. Unfortunately, I was not met like that at all."

> By excluding the words "should", "should", "should" from your thoughts and speech and replacing them with the words "may", "may", "could", you will very likely find that there is some kind of anger behind your anger. that other feeling this case feeling of disappointment. In addition, internal tension will be eased because by saying that someone "should" do something, you thereby take responsibility for the situation!

> Direct the "energy of rage" to peaceful targets

> It is common knowledge that anger is an energy intensive emotion. Physiologically, our body reacts to anger at the "fight or flight" level: there is a general excitement and a powerful release of adrenaline. All this can be used for creative purposes. An excellent example of this is the public organization "Mothers Against Drunk Drivers". All their anger caused by the death and injury of children, these women directed to change the attitude of society towards drunk people at the wheel.

> That mother, who felt superfluous and lonely at the meeting of the parent committee, could also use the "energy of anger" constructively: for example, suggest a topic for the next meeting "How to make new members of the committee feel at home at school." She could meet other parents of first graders and arrange a meeting where they would get to know each other better; then they themselves would welcome newcomers and help them get comfortable.

> Be concise and don't deviate from the topic

> There is no need to dwell on their claims for a long time and in detail. Determine the topic of the conversation, decide what exactly you are going to say, and say it as concisely, accurately and firmly as possible. Don't talk about several things at the same time.

> For example, you have a good friend with whom you have been friends for many years. She's been teasing you about your weight lately. In principle, you treat jokes of this kind quite easily, but her hints, due to frequent repetition and monotony, have long ceased to seem funny to you. Moreover, you started to get angry, and seriously angry. And here comes another remark about your "extra pounds".

> No need to say: "You know, Connie, by the way, I've been trying to lose weight for a long time, but for some reason you don't want to notice it! Do you think all these jokes of yours are funny to someone? So, you shouldn't think so! What right do you have to say about my weight? Have you ever looked in the mirror yourself?"

> Need to say:"Lately, I've been really angry at your constant comments about my weight. I want you to no longer joke about this topic."

> The first example is a pattern of aggressiveness and verbosity, while the main goal to ask a friend to stop making fun of your weight is only indirectly stated. The second example is a direct request made in a respectful tone.

> Say "I" and "I want"

> Realizing what exactly you do not like in the behavior of another person, speak on your own behalf. No need to quote anyone or refer to those who share your opinion. Talk only about your own thoughts and feelings. Explain to the person exactly what you are asking in clear and simple terms. Do not resort to the help of intermediaries tell yourself honestly and directly how you feel, what you think and what changes you expect from the interlocutor.

> Avoid labels, insults, sarcastic remarks

> All these are signs of aggression, which can only add fuel to the fire of your anger and cause retaliatory aggression. For example:

> No need to say: "Look at you, donut! Me too, Miss Universe! Go ahead and sign up for a jogging group!"

> Need to say:"It seems to me that your witticisms about my weight have long ceased to be funny. I want you to stop joking about this topic."

> Adhere to the principle of "here and now"

> When expressing anger according to the principles of certainty, do not fall into lengthy discussions about past mistakes and mistakes of the interlocutor. Focus on the specific problem and the feelings and thoughts that it has caused you. If other topics come up in the course of the conversation, save them for later.

> For example, you have two small children. You often see your husband's (wife's) parents and enjoy spending time with them. But you are annoyed by the fact that when they come to visit you, they are constantly taken to educate your children in your presence and in ways that you do not approve of. You have asked them many times not to do this, because, in your opinion, the upbringing of children should be done by parents. And now your relatives again make a remark to the children for the second time in the last ten minutes!

> Passive reaction: you silently persuade yourself not to be angry or once again give yourself a word to invite these guests as rarely as possible.

> Aggressive reaction:"Bob and Edgie's kids are always being bullied by you too! And they can't stand it! If you keep doing this, then all your children and grandchildren will stop calling you over!"

> Confident reaction: "Listen to me carefully. I have already asked you not to reprimand my children in our home. But you continue to do this, and I am very angry. We ourselves will call the children to order when we deem it necessary."

> Give the person a chance to respond and listen carefully to their response

> It is possible that your anger is caused by erroneous information or a misunderstanding. Listen calmly and without prejudice to what the interlocutor has to say. Respect his point of view, even if you don't agree with it.

> For example, in response to a confidently expressed demand not to make comments to your children, their grandparents react like this: “We raised five children, and all of them grew up to be wonderful people! You should at least sometimes listen to our advice. We only wish you well! "

> Answer (passive):"Yes, yes, of course, you're right."

> Answer (aggressive):"Who told you that your children are wonderful people?"

> Answer (sure): "I really appreciate your concern. But these are our children, and in this house we will only give them corrections. If you want to continue this conversation, I will be happy to listen to you after the children go to bed."

> Pray that God will melt your anger into something worthy

> Do not pray to God to save you from anger, although it would be easier for you. It is better to ask Him to reveal to you what feelings are hidden behind anger. Ask to be spared the desire to express that anger in aggressive or passive ways. Ask Him for courage and wisdom to maintain respect for yourself and others in anger.

> Reacting to someone else's anger

> Being the target of someone else's wrath is hard at best, scary at worst. Anger directed at you is usually perceived as a threat to your peace of mind, filling you with anxiety and fear. "What does this mean? you ask yourself. What did I do to deserve this? What can I do to make this person feel better?"

> Most people can hardly stand someone else's anger. Even experienced counseling psychologists find this one of the most challenging aspects of their practice. Unsurprisingly, the most difficult thing to deal with is the anger of people close to you: family members, friends, colleagues, neighbors.

> Here are some tips for responding constructively to anger.

> Do not allow insults and violence towards yourself

> As we remember, confident behavior implies respect not only for others, but also for yourself. So don't let an angry person insult you in word or action. Such a ban will protect both you and him. After all, many people, having thrown out their anger in a sharp form, are then tormented by remorse. By not allowing a person to be abusive, you are helping them to pull themselves together. State your demands directly and confidently. For example:

> No need to say: "But who are you to talk to me in such a tone?! Look, you decided to threaten me! You won't intimidate me! You won't achieve anything with rudeness!"

> Need to say:"I won't let you talk to me like that. I know you're angry, but rudeness is too much. Please stop."

> Keep in mind that the real target of anger can benot you

> Perhaps a person is angry with someone (or something) else, and splashes out his anger on you simply because you turned up at the arm. For example, a person who, in his opinion, has received an unfair reprimand from his boss, decides to remain silent so as not to lose his place; but on the way home, he calls in a dry cleaner, and then everyone already gets it: their quality is useless, and the prices are high, and they work carelessly ...

> We all sometimes have to listen to angry tirades about injustice real or imaginary. As a rule, in such cases, two useful things can be done: first, listen carefully to the person, and second, invite him to talk directly to the person (or those) with whom he is angry. Then, if he wants to, you can work with him to develop a plan for such a conversation, built on the principles of confident behavior. Note that anger usually does not go away until you share it with the person against whom it is directed. And complaining to third parties, a person usually inflames even more because every time, retelling his story, he relives injustice.

> In the Gospel of Matthew 18:15, wise advice is given to members of the church, as well as to anyone who is tempted to express claims not to the offender, but to a third party: "If your brother sins against you, go and reprove him between you and him alone: If he listens to you, you have won your brother." This verse emphasizes a personal, private, confidential conversation between two people who are blocked by anger.

>If you're wrong, apologize

> Listening to an angry person, admitting they were wrong and asking for forgiveness all this, of course, is very difficult. First, make sure you listen to everything to the end. By apologizing ahead of time, you do not give the person the opportunity to explain to you what this offense means to him.

> Asking for forgiveness, speak clearly and look in the face. Make sure that your non-verbal behavior confirms the authenticity of your remorse. No need to look down, turn the keys in your hands or mumble an apology in embarrassment. All of these are manifestations of passivity. Self-deprecation will do you a disservice and in no way confirm your sincerity. Only confident behavior combines respect for others with respect for oneself.

> But apologies can also be aggressive:

> No need to say: "Okay, okay. I'm wrong. As always. But you're always right. You are perfection itself. It's good to be perfect and never make mistakes!"

> Need to say:"I see that you are angry because we are often late for church, and you hate to be late. I admit that I do sit up for a long time at the Sunday morning paper. I am very ashamed, and I promise you to leave the house on time from now on."

> The first, aggressive statement is full of sarcasm and deliberate exaggeration. Not only will it not solve the problem, but it will add fuel to the fire. The second statement is an example of a constructive approach to the problem. The person understands what caused the anger of the interlocutor, respects his feelings, apologizes sincerely and promises to change his behavior.

> Be aware that people sometimes get angry with God

> Angry at God?! Isn't this a grave sin? Not at all. Even a cursory glance at the Psalter convinces us that God is by no means weak and defenseless, and you cannot catch Him with rude words. Many psalms are full of bitter reproaches addressed to God. The psalmist reproaches God for leaving him, that the unbelievers rejoice, and the faithful servants of God suffer and suffer.

> The truth is that only God in His majesty, power and love is able to cope with the full range of human feelings, including anger. Our abilities in this sense are limited; nothing is impossible for God.

> 1. Listen carefully to the person. Try to understand not only his words, but also his feelings. Show that you are listening.

> 2. Assure the person that being angry with God is not a sin. Let us repeat once again: it is not anger itself that is sinful, but some ways of expressing it.

> 3. Try to inspire a person to talk with God. Let him tell God about his anger and about the reasons that led to it. Maybe he will choose one of the "angry psalms" for you to pray. You can recommend Psalms 9, 21, 37, 73, 78 to him.

> Lead by example in Christian service

> One way of Christian ministry is to allow the person to express their angry feelings to you, whether you provoked them or someone else. By accepting someone else's anger in the manner required by the principle of certainty, you have the ability to help the person heal from the anger and change for the better.

> Constructively accepting someone else's anger, you show the person that you respect his feelings to such an extent that you listen to angry speeches and recognize that the reasons that gave rise to the anger of your interlocutor are of great importance to him. You can just listen to the person and do nothing, or you can try to comfort and encourage him.

> Sometimes it happens that, having listened to an angry person, you thereby already lighten his soul or help him direct the energy of anger in the right direction. But, as a rule, expressing anger does not mean getting rid of it. Perhaps you can help the person recognize that they are angry and understand why. Awareness is the first step to healing.

> Trying to cope with your own anger or the anger of others is a great opportunity to show self-confidence. Anger often brings a person to the brink of sin, and confident behavior gives us the opportunity not to fall into sin and improve relationships with people through constructive problem solving. Anger in and of itself is not a sin and does not lead to sin. A person who chooses the path of self-confidence is able to avoid sin.

Anger is a natural and inevitable response to disappointment or stress. The degree of anger is proportional to the degree of frustration. As rightly pointed out Dalai Lama: "If a person never expresses anger, I think something is wrong here". Sometimes, in order to fully feel emotion, you need to experience anger as well.

In the ethics of interpersonal relationships, in terms of our mental health and well-being, we must make rational choices: how right express your anger. It would be, for example, reckless for a person who appreciates his work to suddenly take out his anger on the boss. Instead, it would be more productive to simply acknowledge and feel negative emotions without expressing them.

It should be noted that adults have more negative emotions, including the strongest ones such as anger or rage. One has to become sensitive to the kinds of situations that trigger too strong anger reactions. This is useful when analyzing the difference between present and primary emotion. Being aware of what causes anger not only helps to reduce its level, but also gives time for rational self-reflection and more thoughtful consideration of one's thoughts and actions.

It is very important to be able to express anger, and sometimes this expression can have an extremely positive effect in personal relationships or in the professional sphere. Usually, it is better to express your anger directly and calmly, and not go on screaming and uncontrolled aggression. For example, saying in a calm, even voice, “I was mad at you when you did that,” will have a greater effect than if we raise our voices and immediately receive the same angry response in response.

However, if you cannot achieve your goal, you can always say more assertively and convincingly, but at the same time without turning to shouting. In other words, you need to do everything gradually and control yourself in order to achieve the best results.

When we deny or suppress hostile emotions, our anger turns against our health or ourselves, or distorts the world around us. Also, by denying anger, we are more likely to lose control of ourselves and act in ways that are destructive to ourselves and others.

How to stop being angry?

Acceptance of anger and the ability to tolerate feelings of dissatisfaction helps to keep oneself in control.

When a person is able to experience the feeling of anger, while being able to understand this feeling and accept it, he becomes stronger and increases his level of self-control.

People tend to be more receptive to their children's anger and more likely to encourage the child's activity in a positive way of self-expression - discouraging passive aggression or manipulation. In this way, they teach their children how to manage their anger (when and how to express it). This is of great importance for later life.

Psychotherapists work hard every day to help their clients recognize, accept, and fully experience their negative emotions and learn to express them when needed. Try to do the same for yourself.

I'm trying to understand, when did women lose their sense of their value and integrity? Since when did we decide that it was right and right to humiliate us? At what point in time did we devalue our power?

And I remember a woman who lived five thousand years ago, but we still hear stories about her. It was an unprecedented insult and humiliation. Never before to this day has anyone allowed themselves to treat women like this. Previously, after all, any woman was revered and respected, men treated all women as their mothers, protected them, protected them.

And the story of Draupadi opened a new trend in people's lives. When they dragged her by the hair into the royal assembly, they tried to undress her there, in the presence of many men, insulting and humiliating her. By allowing themselves to treat the queen in this way, the royal offspring gave unspoken permission to all men to treat all women in this way. As to things, as to second-rate material, as to those who can be used.

And one of the men began to follow their example. Humiliating and exploiting women. It was the easiest way, not requiring spiritual progress from a man. Such a feminine quality as patience helped them in this. Although there were those who refused to go this way, they preserved the traditions of attitude towards women - and thanks to them for the fact that the world still exists.

This story served as an indicator of the change of eras, soon our Kali Yuga began, the battle on Kuruksheter, which claimed 600 million lives in 18 days. A lot of things seem normal these days. It seems normal cohabitation without marriage, the use of a woman, humiliation, assault. A lot of women suffer from domestic violence these days. And although any situations arise because both of them need it for some reason, you must admit that there is nothing normal here.

But her story also opens up new things for women. Draupadi gave us a hint by her example. That even if no one can protect us, we can take care of ourselves. Giving yourself into the hands of the Lord, while remaining true to yourself. And that we have the right to use our power to defend ourselves.

Putting yourself in the hands of the Lord does not mean "relax and enjoy" when you are being raped. Surrender to His will when you yourself can no longer do anything. When you have already done everything that depended on you. And at the same time use your inner strength.

The power that is invested in every woman is the power of her emotions. And Draupadi in this story showed us that we have the right to use it for self-defense. This is the power of a woman's expressed anger. They say that when the last Mahabharata series was filmed, this scene was re-shot many times. Because the actors were crying from Draupadi's monologues. From the strength and power of her emotions. Huge and strong men were crying. Both behind the scenes and in the frame. Because women's emotions are really power. Huge.

If we go back to Draupadi, this holy woman was openly expressing her anger. When she was insulted after a game of dice, she cursed everyone and everyone in a vivid and emotional way. All these curses were fulfilled, and "karma caught up with" each of her offenders, and quickly enough.

Not only in this situation, but in any other, in violation of her personal boundaries, she allowed herself to be a kind of fury. Any person - especially a man who touched her without permission was immediately cursed. Entering her chambers without permission, allowing himself unflattering remarks - they also received their portion of anger. Indeed, in those days, touching a married woman without permission was already considered an insult, a violation of personal boundaries. But she could, after all, think “oh, how ugly I behave for the queen!”

She allowed herself to express anger even at her husband. Although almost always with all her husbands she was humble and soft, at the right time she could become a hurricane. But immediately and for a very good reason. When Arjuna brought another wife into the house, breaking his vow, she immediately reacted. She could smile through her teeth and swallow the insult. But no - she clearly and clearly expressed her emotions. She marked her boundaries. I gave my word - keep it.

Living feelings in this way, she was able to stay alive, not close her heart from pain and anger. Do not break under such a load of humiliation and difficulties. Although there were a lot of both in her life. But the most important thing that she managed to do was to keep her heart open. Don't lose the ability to love. Do not die in soul, remaining a walking mummy. She remained alive even when she lost her children. And her story is like a guide for the women of our time.

An indication that a woman can live with an open heart, even after so many hardships. Maybe. Will cope. Without closing his heart even in the war and after it. An indication that grievances must be forgiven, but anger must be expressed. Anger is not a way of life and a habitual form of behavior in any circumstances, but as a reaction to pain. Natural reaction. And if this reaction is not given a place, then anger and irritation will become the background of life.

When a brick falls on our foot, we first scream, we can even kick it in anger. And only then will we begin to think why we laid the brick like that, why we waved our legs like that next to it. Only later. First, we feel pain. And we react to it.

Same here. Anger is a natural response to pain. When we are hurt, anger arises. This is fine. But how to express it? You can scream, cry, fight, stomp, break dishes, swear. Ways of expression are not always harmonious. Because by kicking a brick that fell on our foot, we hurt ourselves again. What for? If you can release the same emotions more safely - for yourself.

When we are offended, humiliated, insulted, it is pointless to go to sort things out and yell. Most often leads to a worsening of the situation and more pain. Sometimes it’s enough just to “glare” at a person, and release steam on the pillows, with a stomp or in the shower.

If we don't process anger in a timely manner, we can end up with two extremes.

The first is a woman who never gets angry. That is, he suppresses this feeling, earning himself illness and a reputation as a trouble-free person. In such women, the husband can live openly with another woman for a long time. Or live on her money without working. Or all the girlfriends may come with their tubs of dirty laundry to pour slop into her soul. And all because she does not give herself permission to honestly live her feelings.

One of my acquaintances was always sad and melancholy. Since her husband left her five years ago. She didn't make a scene. Let go. And now she suffered so much. And when we talked about anger, she convinced me that there is no anger. Well, yes, there were a lot of sores. But there is no anger.

As soon as she allowed herself to pour out her anger - not on him personally, but on the pillows and blankets of her bedroom with her husband, her depression also disappeared. Depression in a woman is almost always repressed anger. The result of the fact that everything inside her is too squeezed.

The second extreme is constant irritability. Anger as a constant companion of life. When everything annoys, infuriates. When for any reason she opens her mouth and gives out angry tirades. This is a waste of power in vain - at the right time, she simply does not have enough strength.

Constant irritability is a symptom that we have too high expectations and demands on the world. And that inside of us lives a worm of anger that has not been lived to the end. Unlived and unaccepted.

Anger and irritation should not be the background of our life, only love can be the background. And also acceptance and harmony. Anger in our lives is like a nuclear bomb. Only in extreme cases. When otherwise. When the same place, time and circumstances. When it's deserved, it's natural. That is, you were not just stepped on, but humiliated and insulted. In other situations, it is better to pour not on people, but on objects.

If we return to Draupadi, then she was able to survive all this and not close her heart. She could because she had the qualities of a saintly person. And others couldn't. Getting into the same situations, others were closed. They did not understand that they had the right to be angry (after all, the scriptures say otherwise). They did not understand how to stop what was happening. They didn't give themselves the right to defend themselves. And they did not know how to give their life and fate into the hands of the Lord, as Draupadi did.

When she did this, realizing that God is her only intercessor and helper now, her sari became endless, filled the whole room. And her offenders could not dishonor her by public undressing. When she stopped trying to protect herself in the here and now, stopped grabbing at her clothes, the Lord did it all for her. And she was able to direct her secret female weapon at all those who caused it all. Those for whom personal promises and vows have become more important than protecting a woman.

A society becomes healthy when it takes care of the brahmins (that is, saints, scientists), women, children, old people and cows. Without any of these elements, degradation begins in society. At first they do not protect the brahmins, then they stop caring about women. And then - naturally - because it is women who take care of children and the elderly. They do not have more strength for this, because they would protect themselves. And a terrible time is coming, in which we live now.

Women are not protected now, alas. Yes it is. Once, many years ago, a madman decided to publicly humiliate the queen, and some began to take an example from him. And what should we do now? Also take an example. From Draupadi herself. Learn to trust the will of the Lord and learn to control your secret female weapon - the power of your emotions.

The main thing to remember is why. The goal is not to achieve justice, to take revenge. The goal of a woman in this case is simple - not to let her heart harden and close. Continue to feel despite the pain. No matter what trials fall on her lot.

Protect your heart by keeping it open. And still do not give up and do not close it, even if it hurts a lot. It's possible. This is real. This is the only possible path to happiness.