"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything it is poured on." (c) Mark Twain

Shouting is a topic that applies to every person on this planet, because everyone has raised their voice at least once in their lives. Some people scream regularly, but we're all guilty of screaming at some point. There are ways to respond to a screamer that will help defuse the situation, rather than continue to aggravate it.

Yelling in a relationship is not healthy and its results do not bring anything good. A person may give in to a screamer at the moment of screaming to stop him, but once everything is back to normal, they usually return to their minds, because screaming did not permanently change their worldview. For example, a mother who yells at her children to pick up their toys gets the result that the kids are picking up their toys at the time. But that doesn't change their worldview to the fact that they must collect their toys all the time. Children will learn to collect toys, if they are taught the system of carrots and sticks, then they will understand the importance of collecting toys.

Yelling ruins relationships. This is not a constructive method of dealing with a difficult situation, but every person resorts to yelling. Some more than others. You must be aware of your own screaming, understand why some people scream all the time, and also know how to deal with a screamer.

When someone in life constantly yells at you, they are expressing emotional tyranny towards you. Their goal is to take advantage of the situation and yelling is their way of gaining control over you. This is a form of intimidation. Shouting might work for a while. But prolonged use of the results of screaming does not bring any good, because this way makes a person do what the screamer wants. Yelling is not good for a relationship, it actually destroys healthy communication and intimacy in a relationship.

Why are people screaming?

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything it is poured on.” - Mark Twain

When someone gets angry and screams, there are many reasons why they scream. Most of the reasons why they yell are not worth yelling, so it is important that the person being yelled at responds correctly, i.e., should not respond by yelling to yelling. It is important to understand why someone screams, because most often screaming is an indicator of problems in the human psyche that are absolutely not related to the person being shouted at. Their cry is a display of emotional instability, even though it should show strength and dominance in a situation. The following are some of the reasons why people scream when they are angry:

Inability to deal with difficulties

Many people scream because it is their habitual mechanism of behavior in difficult situations. But such a mechanism does not have good long-term results. If a person yells because that's how they've learned to deal with life's challenges, they need help finding better ways to manage their emotions. He can use emotional outbursts to cope with difficulties, and this is not healthy for him or for those who get emotional.

Loss of control

A person can be a screamer because they feel they are losing control of the situation. They can be overwhelmed with thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and they feel a loss of control over everything at once. It's a big confusion for them, so they scream to get control of how they feel. They lack the skill to cope with difficulties and gain a sense of control over the situation and surroundings, so they resort to shouting to feel in control. They may get this sense of control, but most of the time it's temporary because most problems aren't solved by yelling. It may seem that the person agreed with the screamer, just to calm him down, but in reality, the problem remains unresolved.

Feeling threatened

Often offenders are people with a very sensitive emotional core and they try to protect this core. Every time they feel that the core is under threat, they act. Shouting is one of the tools they use whenever they feel threatened.

Aggressive tendencies

Some people are just aggressive personalities. They may scream and aggression may escalate into physical violence. It's rare to see a fight that doesn't start with a raised voice, yell, or yell. If someone you don't know very well yells at you, you have to be careful because yelling can lead to a physical collision.

It is important to avoid reacting aggressively to aggressive screamers, because it is like adding fuel to the fire of their anger and everything can escalate into a fight. This is more likely to be the case if they have such tendencies and you yell back at them.

learned behavior

Some people become screamers because they grew up in an environment where they were born and screamed regularly. They have learned that when a conflict is raised, the voice is raised. They have not learned the right behavior when faced with conflicts or difficult situations. Crying has always been their usual reaction to situations in which they feel uneasy.

Feeling of worthlessness

Some people raise their voices and yell because they feel like the other person is not listening. They may even have already repeated the sentence several times, and in the end, they resort to shouting because the other person does not respond to a different tone. This often happens when parents yell at their children. Parents feel that their children are not listening, so instead of repeating the same thing over and over, they yell at their children. The problem is that it actually scares the kids. Yelling is also very harmful to children and studies show that it is as harmful as physical abuse.

What reactions should be avoided with a screamer

The worst possible reaction to a scream is to scream back. Nothing will go right if you are yelling at someone who is yelling at you. There are other reactions that can make the situation worse and should be avoided. Among them: inciting a screamer, questioning what they say, defending themselves, and criticizing a person during a confrontation.

There are better ways to deal with a screamer. Below are the steps you should use to manage and hopefully calm a screamer.

1. Stay calm and don't increase their anger. Remember that when a person screams, the problem is not with you, but with him. They do not know how to cope with difficulties or they have another reason for screaming that has nothing to do with you. If you react, they will react to your reaction and the situation will continue to get worse. Remain calm, even if you are boiling inside. It's not worth feeding their yelling as the situation will only get worse and problems are rarely resolved when the two sides yell at each other. Problems are much more likely to be resolved in a calm tone. Be part of the solution, not the problem, by staying calm and using a calm tone.
2. Take a mental step back to assess the situation. Before you take any action in a situation, mentally pause to assess what is happening. This will allow you to decide whether to wait for the screamer to calm down or just walk away. If an ordinary acquaintance yells at you and it doesn’t matter to you whether he will be offended if you leave, then just leave. You do not have to tolerate disrespect if these people are not important in your life. If your boss is yelling at you and you know that if you leave when he says it could cost you your job, then it may be worth waiting and talking about yelling with your boss later if this happens all the time and now it interferes with your effective work.
3. Do not agree with the screamer to calm them down, because this provokes a scream in the future. If you agree with the screamer and accordingly agree to do or say something that they ask, you approve of their cry. Going along with someone who yells at you only encourages them to yell at you to get what they want in the future. Avoid this type of comfort because it will come back to you in the future and you will be yelled at more often.
4. Respond calmly to the cry. In most cases, when someone yells at you, your emotions are aroused and you feel the need to respond. Reacting with yelling, criticism, or other negative manifestations will aggravate the situation, you need to do everything in your power to control your thoughts and emotions so that you can deal with the real problem, which is their screaming. Let the person know that you will not tolerate yelling despite the situation or problem. Say it politely and calmly, and you're more likely to get a positive response, like an apology, or at least they realize they're yelling. Some people don't even realize what they are screaming. Then your next step is to ask that person for a break.
5. Ask this person for a break. Once you've dealt with the yelling, the next step is to ask that person to leave you so you can think. You may also need time to calm down because their screaming has sent your adrenaline levels skyrocketing and you don't know how much longer you can keep it inside. When you ask someone to take a break, it should be more of a statement than a question, especially if it's not your boss. If it's your partner, friend, or anyone else, it's perfectly acceptable to say that you need a break and time (a few minutes, a day, or whatever YOU need) to think things through and respond appropriately and calmly.
6. When you feel your emotions have subsided and you know how to deal with what you've been yelling about, you can come back to talk to that person. Give yourself time to process the situation, what was said, and how you want to respond. For some situations, such as relationships, this can take several days because the emotions take longer to settle down. If it's the boss and you know you can't wait too long because there are deadlines and your job is at stake, then use a calming technique like deep breathing or visualization techniques to process the situation quickly so you can get back to it as soon as possible. before.

Move on with better conditions

Because you took the time to let the person know that yelling is inappropriate, and you asked the person to take a break immediately after yelling, it's less likely that the person will yell at you now. If they want to continue the conversation, they will need to remain calm in order to discuss the desired topic with you. Not only are you protecting yourself and showing that person that you won't let yourself be treated this way, but you're also helping them understand that their behavior is unacceptable. If more people did this when they were being yelled at, then we would all have more opportunities to avoid being yelled at.

If yelling has become a habit and your new actions haven't changed their behavior, then it might be time to ask them to sit down and discuss their yelling. As you speak, let the person know how the yelling is affecting you. For example, you feel very sad after yelling and you don't want to be around that person for a while. Also let them know how it affects your relationship. For example, that it creates an emotional gap between you. If they respond that "I am who I am," let them know that this is not acceptable.

Some people also don't know how to change their behavior. Professional help (such as therapy, counseling, or anger management courses) is available for people who have trouble screaming. They need to realize that the problem is affecting their relationship and that changes are needed to heal those relationships.

Yelling is destructive, so don't let them continue to destroy you or your relationship by enduring screaming.

If you understand why the interlocutor suddenly crossed all boundaries, then purely theoretically it will be possible to bring him back into the framework of a constructive discussion. But here you need to know both the reasons for this behavior, and the response methods ..

Reasons for crying

• Banal inability to control oneself. Some people begin to react hysterically just like that, because they don’t know how to do otherwise.
• Loss of control. When the situation does not develop as planned, some begin to panic, which they show under the guise of aggression and screaming.
• Feeling Danger. Further development of the previous point. Such a strong loss of control that a person begins to perceive the situation as a threat to his safety. And here the banal adrenaline is already connected.
• prone to aggression. Some, in principle, otherwise do not know how to conduct a dialogue. Only by suppressing the opponent, including by shouting, are they able to convince someone of at least something. And yes, if that doesn't help, the situation can easily escalate into a fight.
• Acquired Habits. If a person grew up in a family where everyone constantly screams, then this is the only possible behavior model for him, which he will apply at every opportunity.

What to do

We also believe that it would be useful for you to learn how to lead correctly so that there are no special problems after that. And yes, it is an art that is better for everyone to master.

Human behavior is in most cases a manifestation of his emotional state, unconscious fears and desires, complexes. And if a person is unable to cope with his inner feelings, then his behavior can easily become not very pleasant for others. One of the negative manifestations of the psychological state is crying.

Why does a person scream: the main reasons

• Shouting, rudeness in a conversation, an argument is resorted to by those who cannot convey their thoughts, prove their case in other ways. This is often characteristic of people who are not too smart, as well as those who, deep down, admit that they are wrong, but still strive to get what they want in some way.
• To show “who is the boss in the house”, that is, to achieve recognition of their authority, power.
• They shout in order to take out their anger, bitterness, resentment, envy and other negative emotions on others. That is, to make the other feel bad, as if avenging him for his own misfortune (even if the person is completely not to blame for this).
• Often those people who are accustomed to this kind of communication raise their voices and are rude. Perhaps this is how they communicated in their family. Or maybe a person in childhood was given little attention, and he was used to attracting him to himself through screaming, impudent antics, rudeness.

As you can see, regardless of the reason for the cry, we are dealing with a person who clearly has something wrong in his life. Understanding this, you may be easier to endure this kind of rudeness, not to perceive it as a personal insult. After all, a cry is nothing more than a manifestation of a person’s internal discomfort.

You will find a list of them at the bottom of the page.

Nobody likes to be yelled at. If you are spoken to in a raised voice, it is perfectly normal to feel threatened, afraid, and unable to adequately respond. The way out in such a situation is to understand that a cry demonstrates a person’s inability to communicate normally. Luckily, you are not the problem, so there are always steps you can take to help manage your feelings and steer the interaction in a more effective direction.

Steps

Part 1

How to keep calm

Don't shout back. The less you succumb to provocations, the more reasonably you can approach the situation. If the person upsets you or confronts you, take a deep breath and slowly count to ten so you don't say or do anything you'll regret later.

Consider options. No matter who yells at you, there is always a way out of the situation. This applies both to a stranger who lost his temper in line, and to a boss or partner. You should mentally step back from the situation and consider whether it is worth staying and waiting out the storm.

You don't have to put up with the situation. People scream when they are so discouraged by something that they simply cannot find any other way to express their feelings other than brute force. In the case of a logical response to the words of a screaming or sharp objection, you approve this communication option.

• If you are silent and mentally find the flaws in the arguments and statements of the screamer, stick to this behavior. This will help you feel that you are in charge and in control of the situation. At the same time, do not focus only on your thoughts and keep an eye on the situation.

1. Move your attention away from yourself. Let go of your worries so you don't take this situation too personally. The best way out is to show empathy for the person who is screaming. That way you keep seeing the situation. Focus on the pain and tension on your opponent's face. Do not listen, but peer into his despair and disappointment.

   • Remember, you are not condoning his actions. You empathize in order to see the side of a person that you can empathize with at the time of finding the right answer.
   • You should emanate a peaceful attitude, and not a false calmness, which will only increase the anger of the opponent, since it will be perceived as arrogance or an attempt to tease. One option is to express genuine surprise at the stance of the screaming person. Show that you are a little confused, and screaming makes you uncomfortable.

   Part 2

   How to defuse the situation

   1. Take a break to cool down. If the situation allows, calmly ask for a break for a few minutes before you respond to the call. Communicate that you are overwhelmed and need five minutes to collect your thoughts. Also, the shouting opponent will get time to think, although he does not know that this is also useful to him.

      • Due to this, further exchange of remarks is unlikely to turn into open confrontation. Also, your request will show the person that his words have reached the goal.

   2. Start a conversation about the opponent's behavior. Talk about how your screaming makes you feel and verbalize your observations (for example, you could say, “It's hard for me to focus on what you're saying because of the volume level”). Report how you feel (“I get nervous and confused when I get yelled at”).

      • For example, a romantic partner yells at you because you forgot to bring tickets to a concert. When the screaming stops for a moment, describe the feeling of being threatened and overwhelmed. You can also say that passers-by looked at you with surprise or compassion. So the partner will think not only about his feelings.
      • Your boss may yell at you for making a mistake on an invoice you sent to a client. Tell your boss that you feel insecure and awkward when he speaks to you in a raised tone, which makes you think about self-defense and makes it harder for you to focus on work.

   3. Ask them to stop screaming. After talking about the negative impact of screaming, it is quite reasonable to ask a person not to do it again. Say something like the following so as not to aggravate the annoyance of the screamer: “I do not perceive information well when they shout at me, but it is important for me to understand what you want to say. Could you repeat everything in the same calm tone as we are talking now?

      • State your requests clearly. Even if it's obvious that a calm voice is preferable to yelling, be clear about how you want to continue the conversation. Speak to the point as in the example above, rather than claiming, “Can you talk normally?”.
      • If the person is too receptive to words or takes the request personally, then make a positive observation. Think about how the person contributes at other times to express their appreciation (for example, the desire to show that they care).

   4. Speak in a low voice. A measured and soft tone is a great way to change the mood of a conversation. Due to the obvious contrast, the person will want to match your voice. In addition, it will be more difficult for him to hear you, so he will have to reduce the volume of his own speech. Now attention will automatically shift from anger and tension to the content of your words.

      Consider reconciliation. After trying to defuse the situation, you have the right to decide whether you need to correct the situation or just leave. Consider the nature of your relationship with the person when you meet them again and how you usually handle uncomfortable situations.

   Part 3

   How to avoid danger

   Know your rights. In such a situation, it is important to know your rights. Build self-confidence and dispel fears by thinking about your rights. For example, you always have the right to demand a polite and respectful attitude towards yourself, as well as to defend your personal space.

Have there been people in your life who break into a scream if something does not suit them? And the people who, at the slightest discrepancy to their expectations, fall into hysterics? Has it happened to you that it seems to be an unfortunate misunderstanding, and you already feel your desire to destroy everything around? Sometimes you can’t restrain yourself, you break down, you freak out, you scream, or maybe you just keep silent, but it’s very eloquent, so much so that everyone understands: I don’t like it! And you are sincerely surprised when your anger is directed at yourself, at the situation, and the environment suddenly begins to aggress on you. They are angry, but I'm not at them ... Familiar? Do your screams interfere with creating harmonious relationships with people? Then maybe it's time to understand the reason for their cries?

Much has already been written about energy: there is not a single person who does not know what it is. So, no matter who your anger is directed at, the essence is the same: it is energy, vibrations that spread around like circles on water. Therefore, it is not surprising that anger expressed in shouting and external actions, and anger manifested in silence, causes the same response from people. I myself was once one of those who directed anger at themselves, taking offense at those who reacted in one of the ways described below.

Imagine that the aggressive person is a smoker. He lights up, and here are your reactions if you happen to be around:

• if you are a smoker, then you also want to inhale caustic smoke, poison yourself, and you join in and you happily smoke together;
• if you do not smoke, then you want to move away from him, which you do;
• if you are a fighter against smoking, then you will start talking about the dangers of smoking, continuing to stay close, which means smoking passively;
• if you quit smoking, then there is a great temptation to follow suit and stop resisting, and then all 3 options are possible, the choice is yours.

And there is something in common in all this: one way or another, you inhale this smoke. And if you want to stop poisoning yourself and those around you, then there is only one way out - quit "smoking" or don't be surprised that there are only "smokers" around you. The worst thing is when such "smokers" deliberately "smoke" in your face. This is another question: why did he choose you as a victim?

Healthy aggression, as I already wrote, is aimed at development, at achievement, and anger is only at destruction.

When people scream, they scream for love. Once in childhood, this scheme worked: I shouted and got the attention of mom or dad. So he got love. Children grow up, but habits remain. And you need to understand just one simple truth: no one will give you love if you do not give it to yourself. People only return your attitude towards you. They are your mirror. Take care of yourself, love yourself, and there will be no need to scream. Your mirror will begin to reflect another reality.

And if you still need to scream, do it consciously and with pleasure, but on one condition: do this so that no one gets hurt. A great variety of techniques are described: throwing stones, writing, punching a pear... Let your imagination run wild and come up with your own eco-friendly way to release negative energy. Allow yourself to hate consciously, feel the full force of this feeling, no matter who it is directed at, but consciously: and now I will hate ... When I first read about this in Paulo Coelho's book "Veronica Decides to Die" (highly recommend), and most importantly , allowed herself to release all the hatred, healthy aggression and a desire to create came in its place.

Understand: no one is obliged to love and care for you, except for yourself. Even if someone has a lot of love and it will be difficult for him to care for and love a screaming person, I only want to regret ... Pity is a surrogate for love... Do you need it?