Every Saturday, Bill and Sarah leave their son with the nanny and go out to dinner. Sarah dresses up for every date. She hopes it helps keep the spark in the relationship. One day, Sarah puts on a new little red dress. It is more revealing compared to the dresses that Sarah usually wears. She is nervous about showing herself to her husband.
When Bill sees Sarah in her new dress, he smiles, shakes his head in surprise, and says, "You look... different." Sarah gets upset but doesn't talk about it. The whole evening she feels uncomfortable. Sarah vows to herself that she will never wear that dress again.
Later that evening in bed, Bill reaches out to kiss Sarah. She casually kisses him on the cheek, rolls over and pretends to be asleep. All week Sarah thinks about the red dress and her husband's remark. When Bill wants to have sex, she pretends to have a stomachache.
By the following Saturday, Sarah is fuming with anger, but keeps her feelings to herself. She does not ask her husband: “What did you mean when you said that I look different?”. She won't admit that it offended her.
If Sarah talked to her husband, she would feel better. Bill would tell her the truth: he had never seen her in such an outfit, Sarah took him by surprise. But he liked the way she looked.
Sarah's reaction to Bill is a typical example of passive-aggressive behavior. Passive aggression is an indirect expression of anger. The person feels uncomfortable, but cannot express anger or resentment honestly and openly.
Passive aggression is a learned behavior that can be unlearned.
When both partners have a healthy relationship with anger, they can recognize it, talk about their upset feelings, discuss the reasons, and resolve the situation. Passive aggression is a symptom of fear of conflict.
When a person takes a passive-aggressive position, he tries to avoid a quarrel. But in practice, he gets the opposite effect - it seems to his partner that they constantly live in a quarrel. When one or both partners suppress aggression, it is much more difficult to resolve the conflict. Aggression does not come to the surface, partners do not face it directly.
Passive aggression often originates in childhood relationships with anger. If as a child you observed explosive outbursts of anger, one of your parents yelled at you or showed physical aggression, in adulthood you will be afraid of this emotion. You are afraid not only to see someone in anger, but also to experience anger yourself. Passive aggression can also come from parents who avoided anger as an emotion. Joy? Yes. Sadness? Of course, everyone is sad sometimes. Anger? No. He has no place in our house.
Children from such families grow up with the belief that anger is scary and should not be shown. As adults, this prevents them from recognizing anger in themselves and expressing it in a healthy and relationship-friendly way.
I worked as a family therapist for 35 years and taught anger management classes. During this time, I developed recommendations on how to deal with passive aggression. Passive aggression is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. To help your partner cope with passive aggression, let him know that you are annoyed by his behavior, and not by himself. If you yourself are prone to passive aggression, you need to go through the same steps. Remind yourself that you can change your behavior.
What to do in the midst of a conflict
When passive aggression emerges in the middle of a conflict, there are seven steps to take:
- Calm down. You should not start a discussion when both of you or one of you are in the grip of negative emotions. A person prone to passive aggression will close or, on the contrary, aggravate the situation. Take a break to calm down and relax. After that, you can start discussing the problem.
- Discuss the problem. Don't try to guess what your partner is feeling or thinking. Ask him directly.
- Collect ideas. For a relationship to be successful, efforts are needed from both partners. Together, propose and discuss ideas to solve your problems. Make a list of all possible options.
- Write "for" and "against". Once you've made a list of options for solving a problem, discuss the pros and cons of each solution.
- Choose the best option. The best decision is the one where both of you win the most and lose the least.
- Go to actions. Take the best option and start implementing it. It may take time to figure out if it works. Set a date when you will evaluate its effectiveness.
- Estimate. Did the solution work? If not, try another option from the list.
How to get rid of passive aggression in the long run
Fighting passive aggression in the midst of a conflict is a last resort. For many couples, passive-aggressive behavior becomes a long-term problem. The best way to change this pattern of behavior is to work together on it for a long time.
To eliminate passive aggression, you need to draw clear boundaries between you and your partner. We need to respect each other's physical and emotional space. Flexibility is also needed.
Ideally, you and your partner should reach a state where you feel safe. This will allow you to push boundaries without the fear of losing yourself or destroying relationships. You will move the boundaries of your own choice, and not because of pressure from a partner.
If your partner is prone to passive aggression, you should clearly explain to him what words and actions upset and anger you. He also needs to know that you love him. Showing anger does not mean destroying the relationship. If you yourself are prone to passive aggression, be open. Listen to your partner: how you can satisfy their emotional needs. To define each other's boundaries and build a healthy relationship with anger, here are three steps to help you.
- Make a list. This exercise is performed by each partner individually. Make a list of problems that have recently arisen in the relationship. Think about the last time you were angry or upset because of your partner's words or actions. Write down one thing that you would like to change in the behavior of the second half. Point out one thing your partner can do to make you feel happier and more confident in your relationship.
- Draw boundaries. The list will help you figure out how to push the boundaries to strengthen the relationship. The request must be as accurate as possible. Let's say your husband demands dinner on the table every night and it annoys you. Don't say, "It makes me sad that you barely cook. I'll be happier if you cook more." Be more precise: “It will be great if you start cooking on Mondays. This is the hardest day I've had at work." Moreover, it is not necessary to ask your husband to cook himself. Explain that you don't mind the ordered food. The main thing is that you don't have to think about it.
- Move gradually. The process of strengthening relationships is not limited to the fact that one partner is correcting and trying to become better for the sake of the other. Each of you must make concessions. Take one step and see where it leads. But don't throw away the list. Come back to it after a few weeks and review your progress. Then take the next step and exchange wishes again.
If you find yourself in conflict with passive aggression, focus on present and future events. Don't bring up past hurts, even if you still feel bad about them. You will not be able to solve current problems if you keep returning to the past. Respect your partner's thoughts and feelings and expect the same in return. Your behavior is your responsibility, do not forget about it.
Lastly, even if your partner has a problem with passive aggression, remember that you are not perfect either. Focus on solving the problem, not proving yourself right. We all have the potential to improve ourselves and strengthen relationships.
about the author
(Andrea Brandt) is a family therapist.
After monitoring the Internet, I realized that aggression is understood by most readers and authors as the intentional harm to another. Then it becomes clear why there is no agreement between us. Between us, this is between practicing psychologists and clients who come to these psychologists. Therefore, I think that the title of my article can at least surprise many people. But everything is correctly written there - Aggression in a relationship is needed! But it is very important to understand what is meant by aggression.
In modern society, aggression is considered something bad, shameful, something that needs to be hidden and suppressed. After all, we all know from early childhood that "being angry is bad", our parents explained this to us. And as for the mother or father ... Well, that one without any comments at all.
In short, whether you are angry there or not, no one cares, "you must be able to control yourself" and "control your emotions." Otherwise, you will be considered weak, or something else. But it is obvious that nothing good awaits you if you suddenly find yourself angry.
Children up to a certain age are very spontaneous and can freely express all their emotions. But expressions of anger in our culture are judged, shamed, or frightened. And those who have been intimidated or shamed very much learn to suppress, repress, deny their anger, and, accordingly, lose contact with it. But the problem is that it doesn't go anywhere. And it cannot go anywhere, since we have an emotional sphere, whether we like it or not. And it is a much earlier education than logic and thinking. Emotions are a signal system that is given to a person for orientation in the external environment. And there are no bad and good emotions. All emotions are needed, only some we like and some we don't. And since the adequate outlet for anger becomes blocked, it begins to accumulate in the body until it causes a bunch of psychosomatic illnesses or until an affective outburst occurs.
The term "aggression" (aggression) comes from the word adgradi (where ad - on, gradus - step), which literally means "to move on", "to advance". In the original sense, "to be aggressive" meant something like "to move towards the goal without delay, without fear and doubt" (E. Fromm).
But anger and aggression are still different things. Anger, rage, irritation, anger are feelings. Aggression is some kind of reaction, which would be more correctly attributed to actions, ways of dealing with those same feelings. I would define aggression in this sense as an impulse to move. It becomes clear that a person can deal with his feelings and impulses in different ways. And it is quite obvious that the way a person is used to dealing with his feelings leaves a certain imprint on his relationships with people, for example, when building close relationships with the opposite sex.
And speaking directly about aggression and its repression, the following occurs.
If one or both partners have a strict taboo on the manifestation of aggression, then in a relationship they will most likely experience very great tension, because they cannot show each other any displeasure, say "NO", have personal space, be uncomfortable, have different opinions, swearing, shouting, breaking dishes, etc. (underline as appropriate). Arguments usually come down to the fact that the other person is so fragile that he will not be able to withstand my aggression and will collapse. But most often these are just fantasies about their destructiveness.
When there is respect, tenderness, compatibility, support in a relationship, but there is no opportunity to quarrel normally, to meet with one’s anger, irritation and discontent, then passion disappears somewhere. Sex becomes uninteresting, boring and without a spark. Loss of excitement and attraction to each other. Partners become good friends for each other, brother and sister, anyone, but not lovers. All this is because in order to have sex and love, to experience arousal, it is necessary to show minimal, but aggression. Unfortunately, this point becomes impassable for many couples, although it would seem that everything is simple - appropriate your aggression, approach, "move towards the goal without delay, without fear and doubt."
Human life without aggression is impossible. Another thing is that some of the forms of aggressive behavior (for example, screaming, assault, etc.) can be frightening, and therefore they are suppressed from childhood, called bad and unacceptable. But few parents tell the child: to experience anger and express it with words, intonation, gestures - you can, but taking a knife from the table and waving it is absolutely not. Usually aggression is suppressed in full, even at the level of experience and awareness. "Take it easy! What did you scream for?! Are you crazy?". And there is nothing left but to restrain yourself all the time so as not to feel ashamed for experiencing anger and irritation in front of a significant adult.
Then an adult has no choice but to look for other ways for the manifestation of separation feelings - those that mark autonomy, the separation of the organism from all others, the presence of its own needs.
These other ways, as a rule, the psyche seeks unconsciously. It is unlikely that a person sits and thinks: “sooo, you can’t get angry, you can’t do anything like that, you need to be calm (otherwise everyone around will be unhappy), so I’ll try, for example, to promise something and not do it. And thus show them that I am also a person here! Usually this is all done automatically. No choice. For example, such a covertly aggressive person often likes to be late for meetings. Or tell one some stories about another, knowing that these stories will be unpleasant for him (or her). Or - as I already wrote - promise something and not do it (and explain everything by the circumstances and your own helplessness). Such a person is unlikely to offer any compensation for the damage caused; rather, he will try to blame someone or something third for the situation, but not himself. “Well, you know, it happened…”. After all, he has not adjusted the sense of internal responsibility for his life, just as the healthy ability to express aggression has not been regulated - in clear forms, refusals, setting one's own boundaries and respecting the boundaries of another. This function is poorly understood and practically does not work.
Messages that mark covert aggression:
"I'm late, it just happened..."
“I promised, but other things appeared, Vanya called and said ... and I had to ...”
“If it wasn’t for them, then I…”
"You know I can't..."
“You must understand that I am a bonded person…”
"Next time will be as you wish"
“Alright, stop being mad at me.”
Intimacy with a Covert Aggressive Person
In a relationship with such a person, there is a great temptation to start controlling him, scolding him, teaching him how to treat people, what is bad and what is good. “Well, look what you have done! How is that possible!” That is, take a parental role in relation to him. Such a strategy, of course, can help for a while - a fearful disapproval, covertly aggressive person will try to “calm down” a nervous other and temporarily be a “good boy”. But as soon as everything calms down, covert-aggressive manipulations will begin again. And so - in a circle.
If you refrain from taking on a parental role, you can act out the reciprocal anger in a mirror way - making “reciprocal setups”, being late for a longer time, promising and not fulfilling something, and so on. Compete in every possible way, who will “make” whom more. The crown of such relationships is “sometimes on a horse, then under a horse”, “now you, then you”. Fatigue, exhaustion, constant hunger for closeness, calmness, trusting contact.
If you remain in an equal position in relation to such a person, you will have to withstand his hidden aggressive messages and all the time insist on compensation for illegal forms of trespassing. Perhaps this will become a tedious task that will sooner or later get bored (after all, you will have to make a lot of effort to get at least something “edible” in a relationship) and you will want to increase the distance. Interest in interaction will decrease.
Psychotherapy of a covert-aggressive client
In the process of psychotherapy of a latent-aggressive client, if one has applied, the main task is to restore a healthy function of the manifestation of dental aggression, that is, one that helps to take something or achieve something (“nibble”) in a relationship. The transition from manipulative forms of achieving the desired, to direct, legal forms. “I want this, but I don’t want this. I have the right to do so and do not experience toxic shame or guilt about my own uniqueness.” Such a client needs to learn to reject and endure rejection, not overwhelmed with resentment or guilt, but with confidence and perhaps some sadness or regret.
I am me and you are you.
I didn't come into this world to meet your expectations.
You didn't come into this world to match mine.
If we meet, that's great.
If not, it cannot be helped.
Human life without aggression is impossible. Another thing is that some of the forms of aggressive behavior (for example, screaming, assault, etc.) can be frightening, and therefore they are suppressed from childhood, called bad and unacceptable. But few parents tell the child: to experience anger and express it with words, intonation, gestures - you can, but take a knife from the table and wave it - absolutely not. Usually aggression is suppressed in full, even at the level of experience and awareness. "Take it easy! What did you scream for?! Are you crazy?". And there is nothing left but to restrain yourself all the time so as not to feel shame for experiencing anger and irritation in front of a significant adult.
Then an adult has no choice but to look for other ways for the manifestation of separation feelings - those that mark autonomy, the separation of the organism from all others, the presence of its own needs.
These other ways, as a rule, the psyche seeks unconsciously. It is unlikely that a person sits and thinks: “sooo, you can’t get angry, you can’t do anything like that, you need to be calm (otherwise everyone around will be unhappy), so I’ll try, for example, to promise something and not do it. And thus show them that I am also a person here! Usually this is all done automatically. No choice. For example, such a covertly aggressive person often likes to be late for meetings. Or tell one some stories about another, knowing that these stories will be unpleasant for him (or her). Or - as I already wrote - promise something and not do it (and explain everything by the circumstances and your own helplessness).
Such a person is unlikely to offer any compensation for the damage caused; rather, he will try to blame someone or something third for the situation, but not himself. “Well, you know, it happened…”. After all, he has not adjusted the sense of internal responsibility for his life, just as the healthy ability to express aggression has not been regulated - in clear forms, refusals, setting one's own boundaries and respecting the boundaries of another. This function is poorly understood and practically does not work.
Messages that mark covert (or passive) aggression:
"I'm late, it just happened..."
“I promised, but other things appeared, Vanya called and said ... and I had to ...”
“If it wasn’t for them, then I…”
"You know I can't..."
“You must understand that I am a bonded person…”
"Next time will be as you wish"
“Alright, stop being mad at me.”
Intimacy with a Covert Aggressive Person
In relations with such a person, there is a great temptation to begin to control him, to scold him, to teach him how to treat people, what is bad and what is good. "Well, look what you've done! How is that possible!”. That is, take a parental role in relation to him. Such a strategy, of course, can help for a while - a feared disapproval, covertly aggressive person will try to "calm down" the nervous other and temporarily be a "good boy". But as soon as everything calms down, covert-aggressive manipulations will begin again. And so - in a circle.
If you refrain from taking on a parental role, you can act out the reciprocal anger in a mirror way - make “reciprocal set-ups”, be late for a longer time, promise and not fulfill something, and so on. Compete in every possible way, who will “make” whom more. The crown of such relationships is “sometimes on a horse, then under a horse”, “now you, then you”. Fatigue, exhaustion, constant hunger for closeness, calmness, trusting contact.
If you remain in an equal position in relation to such a person, you will have to withstand his hidden aggressive messages and all the time insist on compensation for illegal forms of trespassing. Perhaps this will become a tedious task that will sooner or later get bored (after all, you will have to make a lot of effort to get at least something “edible” in a relationship) and you will want to increase the distance. Interest in interaction will decrease.
Psychotherapy of a covert-aggressive client
Aggression is such behavior when another person is humiliated, devalued, and also devalues his interests, actions, creativity, etc.
It is known that in order for there to be happiness in family relationships, these relationships must be constantly improved, i.e. work on them, understand what your actions lead to the desired results. In reality, everything is not so, because people live “on the machine”: without hesitation, they automatically react to what their partner does. For example, when talking on the phone, the beloved woman did not ask about the state of the man's health, in response she received a serious accusation of selfishness and a requirement to continue to behave differently. When accusations and demands are poured on the partner’s head to behave in a certain way, namely, as the other partner considers right, then life together turns into flour. Sadly, the practice is such that people come to a family psychologist when the relationship is almost destroyed, and if one partner wants to save the relationship (most often a man), then the other side is indifferent to these attempts. A woman is so devastated and crushed by her previous relationship with a partner that she does not believe in his promises to change, does not believe that it is possible to build a different relationship with this man. This disbelief in change is based on the fact that he promised many times to change, but two years, five years, ten years have passed, and he continues to do what brings pain and suffering to a woman. Think for yourself, is it possible to rely on the partner’s promises to change if he has no idea about what is happening to him, what the spouse is unhappy with, and how she sees a good relationship. If a person does not see the goal, then he will stray, and will never reach the goal. But, a woman, as a rule, believes in these promises, simply because she so wants a warm and respectful relationship, and therefore endures for as long as she can, some endure all their lives.
I don't care what you feel or what you want!
I saw several families where a wealthy man (the owner of a business and material wealth) openly spoke about the fact that he would not allow his wife to leave him, despite the fact that a woman is forced to live with a man only out of fear for her life, the life of a child and her future chosen one. The fact that his wife simply does not love him is not even taken into account. A man talks a lot about the fact that his wife is not from “that family”, likes to have fun in clubs, likes to take care of himself, communicate with friends and does not like to be at home. In general, this is not the ideal of a virtuous wife and mother. He seems to be saying that she is not very - that good for him, and at the same time tightly clung to her, not as ideal as he would like. When you talk to such a man about the fact that violence is unacceptable, that not only the wife, but also the children suffer from violence, the conversation usually boils down to the fact that it is his wife who provokes him to violence, because. misbehaves, and if he behaves correctly, then he will not have to resort to violence. It is a myth!
No matter how ideally the wife behaves, the rapist will always find something to complain about. If she puts on a beautiful dress to a party, then he will be unhappy that she "dressed up like a prostitute, and all the men licked their lips at her all evening", but if the next time she wears a modest dress, he will be unhappy that she " pretends that her husband does not buy her decent clothes. Most likely, such a man himself was subjected to violence when he was not yet able to stand up for himself. Most likely, this happened when he was a child. For a child, violence is a serious trauma, and in order to survive, part of the child's personality is split off, which allows him not to remember the tragic events for him, and the other part of the personality absorbs the traits of the rapist. And this rapist manifests himself when the victim appears, i.e. obviously weaker creature (woman, child, animal). Why does the rapist cling to his victim with a stranglehold and won't let her go, although she is not very good for him? Yes, because this is an ideal tandem: a rapist and a victim, one cannot live without the other. The victim, appropriately brought up, always attracts the rapist. What to do? For the abuser to work with a psychologist to overcome the abuser's behavior patterns, and for the victim to work to overcome the role of the victim. In any case, in order to move the relationship for the better, both partners need to change.
