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Passive-aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is actions that express anger, but look like unintentional mistakes to the person himself. Usually, people who, due to their beliefs or upbringing, cannot express anger at another person or refuse him something .
An example of passive-aggressive behavior: a parent asked a child to clean the floors, but the child does not want to do it. He cannot refuse, so he washes the floors, but it is so bad that the parent has to wash them. In this case, the purpose of this behavior is to ensure that the parents no longer ask the child to mop the floors. In addition, the child may already be angry for the parents about something, so it gives him special pleasure to watch the parent get angry and clean the floors himself.
One more example. The girl is angry with her boyfriend for not asking her to marry, but she cannot express her anger, because she believes that the girl should not be imposed. She can make a mess at home, knowing that the guy really appreciates order, or be late all the time, knowing how important punctuality is to him.
If a passive-aggressive person refuses, expresses anger, or deliberately retaliates, he will experience a strong sense of guilt, because he believes that it is not good to do so. However, if he does something bad not intentionally, but unintentionally, then he is rarely angry in response, because he is not to blame. When there is a ban on the expression of negative emotions, they still manifest themselves in one way or another in behavior: either in an irritated intonation, or in the form of passive-aggressive behavior.
What are passive-aggressive behaviors? One of the most common passive-aggressive behaviors is to forget something important to another person, such as buying a product that the other person cannot eat without, or forgetting papers that are important to that person. Constant delays of 20-40 minutes, with which a person is simply completely unable to do anything, is also an example of passive aggression.
The unconscious goal of passive aggression is to get revenge on another person for something, most often for their inability to say "no" when that person asks for something. The passive-aggressive person first agrees to do something unpleasant to himself, unable to refuse, and then takes revenge and watches the other person upset or angry, and receives unconscious satisfaction from the fact that he is punished.
The second goal is to get away from punishment for revenge. If we commit acts that cause anger in other people, then we are punished for this in the form of their discontent, reciprocal anger, or refusal to do some actions we need. Passive-aggressive behavior is not usually seen as intentional by other people, and therefore, as a result, it manages to get away from immediate retribution, although the relationship gradually deteriorates, as the other person is still angry at such actions and begins to avoid communication.
If you are interacting with a passive-aggressive person and cannot stop communicating with him, then I advise you to make sure that the second goal of such behavior is not realized. When you are angry about something in the behavior of another person, express your irritation, insist that such behavior stop; say that it doesn’t matter to you whether the person does it by accident or on purpose.
You cannot force the other person to do otherwise, but you can make the purpose of such actions become clear to them. Most often in this case, a person stops doing this if the relationship with you is important to him and if he has reason to think that such actions will affect your communication.
Find and reveal the reasons for passive-aggressive actions, for example, say: “It seems to me that you didn’t want to do something for me, but you didn’t say no to me, and now you forgot something and thus took revenge on me.” Usually unconscious manipulations cannot be carried out further if the person begins to understand that he is taking revenge. Such a realization can happen if you repeatedly link what could upset the person and what he "accidentally" did.
Unexpressed inner anger, sabotage of deadlines at work, suppression of feelings - passive aggression can manifest itself in different ways. People with a tendency to hold a grudge can cause a lot of trouble to others and to themselves. It is not always easy to understand such a person, but it is necessary to build relationships. It is useful to know its features in order to learn how to interact with such personalities in the least conflicting way.
What is passive aggression
Any person feels a wide range of emotions - from joy to anger, and this is normal. But some, due to their upbringing or personal beliefs, are used to hiding their inner world from others, suppressing the expression of feelings. In this case, negative emotions - anger, rage - will accumulate and look for another way to express themselves. One of these methods is called "passive aggression" in psychology.
Passive-aggressive - a behavior that is characterized by the suppression of anger. Such a person will not openly resist what he does not like, but will express emotions through refusal, sabotage of some action in a complex, veiled form.
It is often determined that the passive aggressor was brought up in conditions where the expression of emotions was considered a negative trait, and the suppression of them was considered a positive one. A person further in life tries not to enter into a confrontation about his beliefs, does not defend the position that he considers correct. He does not recognize the feelings and emotions that he experiences, he will protest silently.
The main signs of passive-aggressive behavior:
- suppression of anger;
- projecting oneself as a victim (of people or circumstances), shifting responsibility onto others;
- silence - a person does not admit his feelings openly, even if he is hurt to the core;
- hidden sabotage - for example, he does not refuse to go to the cinema, but simply forgets about it;
- manipulating people through guilt.
At work, good relations do not always develop with passive aggressors - they will never admit that it is difficult for them to complete the project and they need advice from colleagues. They will press on feelings of pity and guilt until someone gives up and offers a helping hand. For men at work, this is often manifested by procrastination - constant postponing of things for later, forgetfulness, which lead to frequent quarrels with the employer. A passive aggressor rarely admits his mistake, finding anyone else to blame - a colleague, an acquaintance or unfamiliar person, and even the boss himself.
In women, this manner is manifested by fear of control. She does not tolerate the restriction of her will, submission to her husband. He does not admit his feelings, but only gives hints that he has a negative attitude towards his decisions. Fearing restrictions, he tries to manipulate his spouse, appealing to a sense of pity. This is especially noticeable in women with a melancholic type of character. Similar behavior is manifested in passive aggression in children - they are prone to disobedience, do not keep their promises, justifying this with forgetfulness or minor failures.
How to build relationships
You need to understand that aggression is just a demeanor, it does not require treatment, but only understanding. A person does not experience personal hostility to anyone from the family or his environment, he only tries to express his indignation about those issues that bother him, cause him negative emotions. The biggest difficulty in dealing with a passive-aggressive personality is that people around them take everything personally, consider such behavior a personal insult.
Knowing the features of the manifestation of passive aggression, you can find ways to get rid of disagreements:
- 1. Not taking on a dominant role in relationships. The aggressor does not like control, he will resist it, and therefore you should not impose opinions and actions, use the phrases "you must", "be sure to do it", "obey me". You need to give several options, explain your position on each of them, offer to choose the most acceptable one.
- 2. Do not force or impose. The manner of behavior will not allow a person to abandon the imposed opinion, but he will pretty much ruin the life of anyone who does. If his most significant fears - the fear of control - come true, one cannot hope for mutual understanding and any return in the relationship.
- 3. Do not give tasks with high responsibility. A person who tends to passively express anger tries to deal with unnecessary commitments. In the event of a difficult situation, where the outcome of important events will depend on him, he tends to procrastinate and sabotage, refusing to complete the task.
Surely, no one will argue that communicating with people is a difficult task. Without realizing it, we feel how some people subtly manipulate us, while, from the outside, communication does not go beyond the bounds of decency.
A passive-aggressive interlocutor is a person who monotonously "drinks" your strength, feeds on your energy. In turn, it is very difficult to understand this, because such people are seemingly polite, do not violate personal boundaries, but this is only at first glance. Upon closer examination, it becomes clear that a person is simply a "vampire".
Learning to detect signs of passive aggression is necessary for every person, and estet-portal.com will help you with this.
Features of passive aggression: how to identify
passive aggressor- this is a person whose main feature of behavior is that under any circumstances he tries to extinguish anger. Unable and unwilling to express their negative emotions, such a person accumulates resentment and anger. Over time, there are so many of them that the aggressor has to splash out his emotions on other people, while carefully disguising the true motives.
You will never hear explicit criticism or dissatisfaction from a passive aggressor, however, relations with him, sooner or later, will turn into a real nightmare. How to recognize this type of personality, and learn how to resist it, you can learn from the information provided in this article.
Sabotage is the essence of the passive aggressor
The standard case is that the management gives the task to the subordinate, but he is in no hurry to complete it, due to the fact that this work is not to his liking. A person will pull to the last, wriggle, avoid solving the task, in the hope that everything will “dissolve” by itself, that the task will be transferred to another employee.
To do this, a passive aggressor pretends that he does not have time, does not cope, in general, that he does not succeed, although in reality this is not so - he just does not want to do any work through force. In any case, the work process will be sabotaged and the aggressor will get his way.
Anger is the hidden emotion of the passive aggressor.
Often, passive aggression strikes people from families where a hostile atmosphere constantly reigns. Eternally swearing parents, who periodically rush at each other with their fists, cause a protest in the child, which in adulthood translates into a desire to avoid open conflicts in every possible way.
But, as we understand, aggression does not go away, it accumulates and grows, periodically transforming and pouring out on others in the form of constant discontent and critical assessments. Carefully hiding his real feelings, a passive aggressor in any situation will assure you that everything is fine, that everything suits him. But, it is enough just to feel the intonation of the voice to understand that all this is a bluff and the person is dissatisfied.
The people discussed in this article avoid direct confrontation and will never say directly what causes their displeasure. At the same time, they will try to impose on you the idea that you are inadequate, cruel and soulless. It may sound something like this: “Of course, do as you know, why do you need to think about how I feel about it. Who cares about my condition?
Provocation is the passive aggressor's favorite pastime
Passive aggression is a condition in which the aggressor always tries to keep a "face". He will never show his obvious anger, he will restrain his feelings and emotions to the end.
Silence is their favorite game. Shifting responsibility for the conflict on the shoulders of another person, the aggressor, always understands what he is “doing”. His goal is to enrage you, thereby making himself white and fluffy. As a result, you will hear the banal phrases “I told you that you don’t care” - this is a pure provocation that you should not succumb to. You will scream furiously, and the passive aggressor will nod his head and say that he knew from the very beginning what kind of person you are.
Denunciation and passive aggressor: words are synonyms
The passive aggressor is filled with a whole heap of unexpressed negative emotions. It can be anger, envy, hatred and other feelings that have no way out. As a result, a person cannot stand it, and it becomes extremely necessary for him to “drain” all his negativity, to get rid of the accumulated burden.
For this, tricks such as denunciations and gossip are used. You will never hear in the "eyes" that you are wrong or offended by you, you will learn about this from mutual friends or management. You ask, what is the point in all these actions? The answer is simple - a passive aggressor wants to be attractive and kind in the eyes of others, and for this he will do everything possible and impossible.
If you manage to recognize the aggressor among your colleagues in time, stay away from him, otherwise he may not only choose you as a victim, his covert actions can even seriously harm your career.
Passive aggression is the exact antonym of responsibility
In any life circumstances, a passive aggressor avoids responsibility, responsibility for his choice, for his actions. He will blame his parents for not giving him anything, his loved one for depriving him of opportunities. You, and only you, will be to blame for all his domestic mistakes and work failures.
For each passive aggressor saves his version of reality, according to which he is a good and unhappy person, and all the rest are tyrants. Infantile behavior worsens with age, a person begins to believe in his decency and "exclusivity". Being next to a passive aggressor, and proving the opposite to him, you are simply wasting time, because he does not intend to give up his personal assessment, under any circumstances.
How to deal with a passive aggressor
Psychologists say that most people who are prone to passive aggression are not even aware of their own “ailment”. The trauma received in childhood leads to the fact that the child is trying with all his might to protect himself in adulthood, but this does not mean that he does not need to resist.
To stop the passive aggressor, you need to take the following steps:
Fight tactics. If a person regularly ignores your request not to be late, warn that next time you will leave if he is late for more than 10 minutes, while speaking respectfully, without insults.
Dialog. Since the passive aggressor himself does not know what he is doing, it is worth speaking with him in his own language - peacefully, but convincingly. Explain to the person that you are tormented and strained by his avoidance of the conflict and the hushing up of the problem.
Logical chain. If the passive aggressor is your spouse, then over time you will learn to notice when a person is not in a good mood. You should not arrange a boycott in response, on the contrary, try to understand why your loved one does this, maybe you went too far at some point.
If it so happened in your life that you cannot avoid communicating with a passive-aggressive person, then you should understand one golden rule - you are not to blame for anything. There is no need to look for the reason in yourself, for such a person, his demeanor is the norm, and he will always find the guilty, not you, but someone else.
What you need to know to keep yourself safe
Passive aggression is something that needs to be resisted. Clearly build your boundaries and go to the end if you are sure that you are right. The passive aggressor will stop at nothing, and will go to the end to express his secret desires. If you feel that you are wrong in something, accept it and correct it, but nothing more - you should not take responsibility for what you did not do.
No need to make reciprocal attacks, this will only provoke a greater intensity of emotions, moreover, only on your part. The passive aggressor will continue to pretend to be an unfortunate "sheep", complaining to everyone about how he is not understood and offended.
In especially severe cases, when a passive aggressor puts pressure on you, you should not endure it, seek help from a psychologist. A specialist will help you see the situation from the outside and get out of it with the slightest loss to your mental health.
In order not to lose faith in your own strengths, remember that everything a passive aggressor says is not about you, it's just that he is so comfortable and needs it. Take care of yourself and your personal space by preventing toxic people from entering your territory. Remember that in this situation, your mental state is a healthy assessment of what is happening and self-control.
Read more interesting things about emotional and psychological health at estet-portal.com.
Surely, you have met people in your life who, it would seem, do nothing special, but involve them in interaction with them.
For example, on an airplane, a man sat down next to you who could not sit down in any way. He does not directly tell you anything, does not ask for anything, but you constantly pay attention to his sighs or indignation, grumbling and grumbling.
Or in the subway there is a lover to listen to music loudly or accidentally fall on you, or completely accidentally push.
Or maybe among your friends there is the King of irony and sarcasm, who is not averse to making fun or making a caustic comment on every convenient occasion?
Or there is one among your colleagues who will always be late for an important event and will try to come in so “quietly” (sincerely trying!) that everyone will pay attention to him.
Or maybe you have had a friend for a long time who is trying, trying to start a business or find a job, but there are no achievements. He is very fussy, often forgets something, seems to do a lot, but as a result he gets nothing, feeling and expressing, basically, irritation. And you listen to his complaints, for the time being, sincerely try to help him, find a way out of the impasse, save him with all your might, but then you start to get very angry, give advice in a rude didactic form, or just give up on him!
Or, at each meeting, one of your girlfriends will casually ask something: “Why don’t you and your husband still have children?” Then she will sigh sympathetically and say: “Actually, I feel very sorry for you!”.
Caution: Passive-aggressive behavior!
What unites all these different people?
And what such people have in common is their form of behavior, which in psychology is called passive-aggressive.
Term "passive-aggressive" first used by an American military psychiatrist, William Menninger.
And it was used in relation to soldiers, during the Second World War, who sabotaged the execution of orders, but never did it openly. They either did everything half-heartedly, inefficiently and unproductively, or they were secretly indignant about the order or the commander, playing for time ... But, they never openly expressed their anger or unwillingness to do it.
Shortly thereafter, a special type of passive-aggressive disorder was included in the famous clinical reference book - DSM, but due to lack of clarity in the description of clinical manifestations in the fourth edition, it was excluded from the list of personality disorders.
But, nevertheless, in psychology and psychotherapy, the term has remained and continues to be used to describe a special type of personality behavior.
In addition, some psychologists argue that each of us tends to behave in this way during difficult periods of our lives, when, not finding other ways to defend ourselves, define our boundaries, express our opinions, we resort to a passive-aggressive form.
How is passive-aggressive behavior manifested?
- In refusing to communicate, ignoring (a kind of “boycott”, which “makes” feel guilty to the one to whom it is addressed);
- In depreciation: feelings, achievements, abilities (“come on, you get upset over trifles!”, “Don’t cry, you’re a man!”, “Only fools can’t do it”);
- In accusation or criticism: (“You are not succeeding because you are not doing the right thing!”, “Here again because of you, I lost a lot of time”);
- In a constant invasion of privacy, disguised as care (for example, a mother, with whom an adult son still lives, picks up his clothes every morning and straightens his tie or collar);
- Control through third parties (as an example, a mother-in-law calls her daughter-in-law with a request to check whether her son bought winter trousers for himself, because it is already cold outside);
- Scolding yourself for some action or inaction (Example: a granddaughter visiting her grandmother asks for socks because her feet are cold. Grandmother gives them to her, but then she begins to scold herself for not keeping track that her granddaughter's feet are cold and did not give socks before)…
In fact, there are a lot of manifestations. And this is not all of the possible options.
The main thing to understand is that their main essence is to avoid direct contact and intimacy, not to show oneself openly, not to state one's needs directly, not to defend one's boundaries, not to take responsibility, but at least to somehow express oneself and stay in a relationship.
As a result, a person who is in a relationship with someone who behaves in this way may begin to limit himself in some manifestations of thoughts, feelings, plans, desires. He may begin to feel uncomfortable for the manifestation of his life. There may be a desire to justify one's actions or to hide them altogether. Not rare feelings that arise are anger, resentment, guilt, shame.
How to deal with your own passive aggression or resist it if it is directed against you?
The first thing to remember and work on is personal boundaries! Learn to identify and defend them! You are not responsible for the feelings that your partner or interlocutor experiences, for the thoughts that he has.
The limits of your responsibility are in your feelings, thoughts and behavior! Talk about them directly (For example, to your mom’s excessive concern for your nutrition, you can say: “Thank you, mom! I really like your concern, but I would like to choose my own diet! I have such a need and successful experience in this!” ).
Do not forget that advice, help that is not asked for is violence! It is impossible to change, re-educate someone who does not want it himself! Therefore, it is better to answer complaints, grumbling with the question: “Can I help you with this?” and if the answer is yes, then measure how much you can realistically accomplish this without hurting yourself.
Learn to express your feelings even if they seem “bad” or destructive to you, don’t hoard them (As an example, after a partner has broken promises for the umpteenth time, it’s important to tell him that you are angry when he does this).
Noticing someone's implicit feeling (for example, the wife washes the dishes very abruptly and loudly or cleans the kitchen), it is important to clarify , thereby recognizing the right to its existence and inviting to a dialogue (“I see that you are angry. Has something happened? Will you share?”).
And most importantly, it is important to clarify what constitutes such behavior, what stands behind it, what unsatisfied needs, forbidden feelings underlie it. Of course, an experienced specialist will safely help you figure this out during psychotherapeutic work with your request.
Stories about passive-aggressive personalities are increasingly becoming plots for Hollywood dramas and comedies.
To what fate can constant containment of anger lead, how and to whom do types who hide discontent under a pretty face interfere with life? And, in general, what is passive aggression and how to deal with it?
Passive-aggressive behavior: what is it
We have been taught from childhood that it is wrong to show anger.
Shouting, throwing chairs, breaking plates, calling names, being rude and openly angry - you can’t, otherwise you will be less loved and respected.
You will be known as a nervous person, your friends will scatter like cockroaches, they will be demoted ... And so, impressed by educational horror stories, we learned to restrain anger, mask it.
This is how passive aggression was born, from which there is much more harm than from open anger. 
The direct manifestation of discontent, disagreement, resentment and anger allows us to get rid of obsessive emotions, free the body for good thoughts.
We shake off the nervous ballast the moment it appears. Therefore, anger does not accumulate, and the rest of the time we can be peaceful and pleasant personalities.
To be dissatisfied with something is normal, to refuse an unpleasant occupation is also.
Passive aggression is the result of the suppression of all negative emotions.. The case when grumbling and anger are pushed into the far corner of consciousness, and a sweet smile plays on the face.
By behavior, it is easy to recognize a passive aggressor - he phenomenally sabotages all unloved things, unknowingly harms at home and at work, interferes with someone else's simple happiness and slows down all important processes.
He is characterized by clowning and, and his speech is covered up with sarcastic and caustic.
Instead of direct confrontation, he acts in secret, behind his back, never confessing his true desires.
Manifestations of passive aggression
It is thanks to the passive-aggressive personality type that these people do not say “No” if they do not want to do the job.
It’s too early to rejoice at unfailing talents! After all, they skillfully sabotage the process: do not expect such instances to deliver the project on time and with high quality.
They are late for work, put off the most important things to the deadline, systematically fall ill and get stuck in traffic jams ...
What is there! These individuals are subconsciously ready to break their arm, just to get an adequate reason for the day off.
A passive-aggressive person suppresses any manifestations of anger in himself: he does not talk about his feelings, does not refuse unpleasant deeds, does not express violent emotions with facial expressions, body and gestures.
In a word, at first he does not make it clear to others that he is dissatisfied. He avoids conflicts and, with maniacal diligence, keeps silent in the corner.
But after some time, not allowing himself a momentary discharge, he begins to sabotage. Complain about life, feel sorry for yourself, whisper, gossip, write slander, blame loved ones for your failed fate.
Very often you can hear from such a person: “Well, it’s clear what was expected: it doesn’t matter to you that I feel bad. You are not interested in my opinion, you think only of yourself. Nobody took care of me."
“Playing silent”, detachment, ignoring, the phrase “It's okay, don't worry about me” are typical tricks of such individuals.
You will never know the reasons for their grievances until you figure it out yourself. But even without saying a word, they manage to be excellent psychological tyrants in the family.
In addition, they are excellent provocateurs: in the end, in anger, you will throw your fists at your spouse and beat the dishes, and he will arrogantly blame you for uncontrolled, ugly behavior.
Sometimes unconscious actions of passive-aggressive types seem ridiculous, ridiculous, illogical.
Instead of simply canceling a date, they “forget” to book a table, step into a meter-long puddle, faint at a bus stop, get poisoned by yesterday’s soup, catch a rare form of SARS, or even take the wrong plane flight.
They seem to sincerely do not want to offend or offend anyone, but their behavior should not be confused with politeness and tact.
Where does passive aggression come from? 
This is not an innate, but a newly acquired trait. Most often, passive-aggressive behavior begins in childhood. There are several ways:
1) Parents often quarreled, shouted, fought in front of the child, and the expression of anger became “dirty”, defiled for him.
2) Mom and dad forbade the child to show discontent, swear, yell, cry. "Don't you dare talk to your elders like that!" He was taught that it is impossible to be offended, that anger is a feature of bad boys and girls, and no one will love a "mean" one.
3) Parents themselves were passive-aggressive people, and instilled such an example of behavior in their child.
As a result, the child does not know how, does not want, is ashamed or afraid to express negative emotions. Over time, he finds other ways to get out of unpleasant situations.
Many people today are unaware of their propensity for passive-aggressive behavior.
Indeed, over the years, these traits become an integral part of the personality, and if you look at your character under a microscope, it is quite difficult to recognize them.
