For a woman, a sense of security is one of the basic building blocks for building a powerful foundation - love. Every man wants to be a protector for his tender, sophisticated half. But how to establish contact, to evoke this feeling in a woman?

How to create a sense of security in women?

According to researcher Amanda Denes of the University of Connecticut, a woman's sense of security is formed with the production of the hormone oxytocin, or, as it is also called, the hormone of fidelity. It is produced after sex in large quantities, which is why women are so open, gentle and calm in bed. Women produce the hormone several times more than men, which is why the weak halves of humanity become attached much stronger after intimacy, although you should not rely on the hormonal factor, excluding the psychological ones.

Information about the hormone oxytocin is quite useful, but a man must first find the keys to a woman's heart in order to gain access to her body, which means, that it would not hurt to evoke a sense of security at first on a psychological level. How to do it?

In order to evoke a sense of security in women on a psychological level, need to express basic expressions of concern: care, intercede, solve complex issues, be a material and psychological support.

Women are eccentric, emotional creatures in most cases. Even the most mature, balanced and seemingly tough woman dreams of a strong male shoulder in order to shed the burden of deeds, problems and decisions, exhaling with relief. This feeling is called the feeling of security in women, which a man can give.

Don't forget that security is related to the concept of trust. As already indicated above, the hormone produced by the fidelity of security in the body of a woman opens it for a man. Do not underestimate the weight of intimate conversations or discussion of personal aspirations, preferences, dreams - it brings together, forms a connection, strengthens relationships. A woman feels that she is protected from external negative events by a powerful wall of comfort together with her partner, psychological comfort, emotional stability.

Orgasm during sex as the basis of a sense of security in women

According to the same researcher, Professor Amanda Denes, the peak production of the hormone oxytocin reaches after orgasm in women. Male testosterone lowers the amount of oxytocin in the body of the stronger sex, so they are not as warm and open as their partner. However, in order to evoke a sense of security in a woman during and after sex, the partner needs to experience the peak of pleasure.

Do not forget to please your beautiful women, both physically and spiritually. Talk more often to form a bond. Share your interests, plans, goals, ideas and let your partner voice hers. Remember that a satisfied woman, both spiritually and physically, is the embodiment of warmth, care, comfort and home, combined with desire, passion, aspiration and inspiration.

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This feeling is unusual for me, because I can’t stay calm for a long time, I often experience unreasonable fear and the feeling that I will have to pay for my safety later. I subconsciously walk away from this feeling. In my opinion, the feeling of security is well promoted by the environment of people close to me when I receive support and help from them in difficult situations. But often it is difficult for me to share my difficulties with someone, to ask for help. And it’s easier for me to isolate myself from others and solve problems alone than to trust someone and experience a sense of security. I would really like not to run away from this feeling and not replace it with anything else, but to learn to live it without fear.

A sense of security comes when I feel light and comfortable, when there is no fear and anxiety.

In my opinion, this is one of the basic human needs, like sleep and food, and naturally I want to feel safe. But sometimes, my illness does not allow me to feel safe, because I am used to feelings such as anxiety and fear. I rarely manage to track my own security and this I would like to learn.
Feeling safe, I arrive in a good mood. But it seems to me that this feeling can dull my vigilance. I want to somehow learn to control it so that it does not completely turn my head and does not bring me to the wrong steppe. I do not hide or suppress the feeling of security, but on the contrary, I rejoice in it and share it with my loved ones.

A child is a small defenseless creature. Especially in the first years of life, he is in dire need of his mother. She wants her mother to take her in her arms, hug, kiss, regret. At an older age, he wants her to understand, support and protect him. Wants to feel safe in this world. And when this is not there, the child does not feel protected, does not feel confident, loses confidence in the future.

Mom is a sweet word. For every person the most significant word in the world. “Mommy is my favorite,” says the child. And expects from her affection, tenderness and warmth. But not always she wants and can give him what he needs.

Loss of security and safety - stress for the child

The feeling of security and safety is a comfortable state for the child, a state of confidence. No amount of money can give him that feeling. A child may not have many toys, but if he has the security and safety of his mother, he will be happy.

According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, each of us is born with a given set of properties, desires and abilities. The sets of these properties are called vectors. The loss of security and safety is a stress that stops the development of vectors. Accordingly, different children react differently to stress. Each child experiences it in his own way, according to the innate properties of the psyche.

Fundamentals of feeling safe and secure

The feeling of security and safety the child receives from the mother, and from the father - is insignificant and secondary. The attitude of the father to the mother is important, and this affects the child. If the father kissed the mother, then the child is well. And if he came home from work and punched her, it's very stressful for a child. The condition of the mother is always reflected in the condition of the child. When a mother does not feel safe and secure, this is passed on to the child. If the mother's condition improves, the child becomes calm and balanced.

Strong stress can be the divorce of parents, the loss of a beloved animal or loved one, the transition to another school. It is important to understand and support the child, not to leave him alone with the problem.

The most emotional loss of security and safety is experienced by a child with a visual vector. The most important moment for him is an emotional connection with his mother, with the loss and insufficiency of which this feeling arises. Such a child is born sensitive, impressionable, shy. Has a high emotional amplitude. When he learns to be afraid not for himself, but to empathize and sympathize with others, focuses his emotions on other people, he moves away from fear. And if the feeling of security and safety does not come from the mother, the child is filled with fears.
The state of stress in children with a visual vector can be manifested by various fears, phobias, tantrums, scandals, blackmail.

I will become stubborn and dirty

A child with an anal vector is obedient, neat, a good student. Painfully perceives everything unusual and new. Pathologically touchy. He has a good memory, so he carries bad memories that feed resentment for a long time. He does everything thoroughly, slowly. He cares not about quantity, but about quality.

When a mother differs in her properties from a child, she tries to develop in him those properties that she has. She interrupts him, hurries him, and this causes him stress. He also enjoys praise, but she does not praise him. Or the mother pays more attention to the youngest child, and he gets the feeling that he was not loved.

A child with an anal vector, with the loss of security and safety, turns from an obedient into a stubborn one, from a clean person turns into a dirty one, from a diligent student into a loser. May be cruel to other children and animals.

I turn into a thief

A child with a skin vector is the most flexible in both soul and body. Quickly adapts to all changes. However, it needs clear and logical limits. Not feeling the boundaries of what is permitted, or, on the contrary, in conditions of excessive and incomprehensible prohibitions for him, the skin child is forced to determine these boundaries on his own. But due to age, he still does not have the necessary skills of self-restraint, therefore, he loses a sense of security.

The state of stress can be manifested in him by flickering, fuss. His skin is very sensitive. Skin child more than others, physical punishment is contraindicated. Painful effects on the skin lead to loss of security and safety. Having no skill and trying to save himself, he does what he can. Like a primitive earner, he takes what lies badly - he steals.

Security and safety is the understanding of the child

Security and safety - not driving a child by the hand until graduation, but understanding his needs and requirements, understanding the characteristics of his psyche. Giving the child a sense of security, parents give him a chance for the maximum development of his properties and the realization of desires. And the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan will help you acquire this skill.

When you understand the causes of psychological problems, you are able to change the situation and solve them. System-vector psychology will tell you the right methods of education. You will have a complete understanding of your child. Providing your child with a sense of security, you will give him confidence in himself and his abilities. Positive changes in your condition will positively affect the child.

If you want to learn more, come to Yuri Burlan's free online lectures on system-vector psychology. Register at the link: http://www.yburlan.ru/training/

The article was written using materials

But fear is a bad way to carry out these positive intentions. It contributes to the fact that a person ceases to trust people and the world around him as a whole and fences himself off from them. And this breeds closeness and ultimately leads to loneliness.

In addition to loneliness, feeling fear has many other harmful side effects. In fact, fear attracts exactly what we fear.

For example, the fear of getting sick attracts the disease. Fear of loneliness leads to loneliness. Fear of loss makes us lose something. How does this happen? Very simple. Our minds are made that way. He must always do what we fear or what we do not want. When we are afraid of something, we paint ourselves a terrible picture of what can happen. At the same time, we experience bad feelings and say to ourselves: “I don’t want this. God forbid!" All these thoughts, feelings and images are in our subconscious, and they create the appropriate situation.

For example, if someone tells you: "Do not memorize the number 237. Do not memorize this number under any circumstances." What will you do? Of course, you will remember this number. And the more you strive to forget it, the more you will remember it.

This is how our mind works. The “not” particle, the denial, is a hypnotic command for him to do this.

Talking with people, I came to the conclusion that the main reason for the appearance of fears is a lack of trust. Trust in yourself, in others, in the whole world. Such people constantly expect something bad from the world around them. And they get it - after all, everything in our life happens in accordance with our expectations. They keep saying, “This world is scary and terrible. There are evil people around. Is it possible to trust people now? So many crooks!" If you divide everything in the world into good and bad, into friends and enemies, then you really have something to fear. People do not believe that there is a Higher Mind that reflects our beliefs. Trust is a product of faith. No faith, no trust. Start trusting your Personal Power, which is directly connected with the Higher Mind, with God. Only then will you feel completely safe.

In order to get rid of fears, learn to trust. Trust everything in this world: yourself, people, events. But first of all - to your Inner Strength. Remember - you create your own world. And this world is the safest place in the universe. Take responsibility for your life. Your world depends on your thoughts. Feel like the most protected being in the universe. Expect only good things from the world around you. Let this thought become one of the most important in your subconscious program: “I am one with the Force that created me. I am completely safe. I trust my Personal Power and find inner peace."

For example, a mother expects her daughter to come home on time. But she is delayed for unknown reasons. The mother begins to worry, to worry. He rushes around the room, goes to the window, listens to the sounds in the entrance. Time runs. There are no daughters. And so she begins to draw in her imagination various terrible pictures. She does not understand that her mental images are a program of wishing the daughter of evil. Thus, anxiety and anxiety are subconscious aggression against your child. Yes, a mother outwardly wishes her daughter well, but in what way? Through evil and aggression within yourself. Therefore, it is not surprising that the daughter is constantly rude to her mother, does not listen to her advice. She simply responds with aggression for aggression. And if a mother wants to change her daughter's behavior, then she must change herself. It must replace fear with trust.

What else is important to do to neutralize fear? Start getting rid of aggressive thoughts about the world and people. Remember situations in which you condemned, hated, despised, offended. Start letting go of all these thoughts. After all, these thoughts are a wish for death on a subtle information-energy level. And internal aggression attracts external aggression.

It turns out such a chain.

Internal aggression towards someone or something in the outside world attracts external aggression, which is directed against you, and this gives rise to fear as a defensive reaction. In other words, the program of destruction of something in the world is returned back by the program of self-destruction, since the surrounding world is our world. And that breeds fear. Fear is a danger signal that our subconscious mind gives us.

That is, the subconscious is forced to protect us from ourselves!

Therefore, the only way to get rid of fear is to correctly respond to the subconscious signal and begin to get rid of aggressive thoughts.

Recently a friend came to me and asked: - You know, I'm going with my girlfriend and sister to the sea to the place where we rested last year. Lend me some sleeping mats and a backpack, please.

After that, he invited me to go with him in order to feel more secure. I noticed that he was somehow worried about himself and women. The women were also preoccupied with their fears. I could not go, but I offered him another fine place on the South Shore.

“You know,” he answered me, “I think I’ll go where I’m going.” I don't know the new place and will feel safer in the old one.

- Well, - I answered him, - I advise you to go to a new place, but if you want adventure, go to the old place.

I said this without any ulterior motive - the phrase escaped involuntarily. A few days later we met in the sauna, and a friend told me about his adventures.

In the parking lot, he had a skirmish with a group of aggressive young people. As a result, he had to leave in a hurry from there at night.

“You know,” he told me, “even nature gave me different signs so that I would not go there or leave when I had already arrived there: it was raining heavily in the morning, the sea was stormy and cold, a lot of garbage and fuel oil had caught up with me from somewhere although this was not the case before. Some grandmother on the bus, when I was going there, asked: “Are you guys going for one day?” I paid no attention to these signs of nature, nor to her words. Yes, and a friend, as soon as we settled down, said that she did not like the place. And he didn't listen to her. Of course, the first sign came from you when you suggested that I go to another place, but pride jumped in me - I decided to do it my own way.

“Have you noticed,” I asked him, “how much anxiety you had before the trip?” It was like a warning to you. Do you know what caused this situation?

- You have accumulated a lot of subconscious aggression towards people. Specifically - to criminals, drug addicts, hooligans and so on. You need to reconsider your attitude towards people in general and give up aggression.

- You're right. I had a lot of this. Do you know what I forgot there, in the parking lot, when I was packing my things in a hurry? This is very symbolic for me!

I looked at him questioningly.

“I left two knives there, a hatchet and a pike for spearfishing. Just everything that can become a weapon.

As soon as you get rid of old negative thoughts and learn to send love to people and everything in this world, all fears will disappear. “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (John). You will stop attracting violence into your life, and your world will become the most peaceful place in the universe.

I recently witnessed one conversation. One woman said to another:

– It seems to me that my street, on which I live, is the safest – it has a lot of street lamps and is as bright as day. And your area is so dangerous - after all, there is a prison nearby.

- Well, what are you, - answered the other, - it seems to me that our area is the calmest. My husband and I often go late in the evening and even at night we went to meet the train.

Let go of fear thoughts. After all, they were once simply imposed on you, inspired. First your parents bullied you, then school, friends, TV.

If you are afraid of something, then go inside yourself and highlight the causes of fear. They are in your personal history.

If you are afraid of loneliness, then this means that you do not trust people. Do you remember the people you had bad relationships with in your life? Why didn't you trust them? How did they offend you or what did they do to you?

Now think about what thoughts you have attracted into your life such people and their attitude towards you? After all, like attracts like.

Maybe you are constantly criticizing and scolding yourself; or maybe you are dissatisfied with yourself, or hate yourself, or depend on the opinions of others. Then what good do you expect from others? The external behavior of people reflects your thoughts and feelings.

One of my patients, who was treated by me for a serious illness, complained that he was very lonely in life. When we began to explore the subconscious reasons, it turned out that deep down he did not trust people. This attitude towards people and the world was laid down by his father. He often repeated that there was deceit all around, that there were a lot of dishonest people, that all women were bitches, that they pursue their base goals and men suffer from this.

My patient did not even suspect that all the events in his life, including the disease, were formed in accordance with the worldview that he inherited from his parents. When he changed his thoughts and his attitude towards people and the world, close and beloved people began to appear in his life, and the disease disappeared.

Fear of death indicates that you have a wrong attitude towards life and death. This may be due to the fact that at some time in your life there were upheavals associated with the death of loved ones. Or there were thoughts of suicide, an unwillingness to live, or you wished for someone to die. There may be other reasons as well. Whatever these reasons, form a new attitude towards such concepts as Life and Death.

One of my patients had a strong fear of death. It manifested itself in constant terrible dreams, in the fact that she often met funeral processions on the street, in an anxious and restless state, in the impossibility of being alone.

It turned out that the parents were directly related to the emergence of these fears. The fact is that during the mother's pregnancy, she and her husband had a serious conflict. As a result of this conflict, the mother developed an unwillingness to live, an unwillingness to have a child. In essence, it was a self-destruction program, and it instantly took root in the infant's subconscious.

When the girl grew up and went to kindergarten, she developed fears of being alone in a room, a fear of the dark. Parents could not understand what caused these fears. During adolescence, childhood fears turned into anxiety and anxiety. And after the girl got married and became a mother herself, the subconscious death wish program started working at full capacity.

A woman with a sick son came to see me. The young man had chronic asthmatic bronchitis. He suffered from them since childhood. Communicating with the mother's subconscious, we found out that the cause of the disease is her various fears. At first she was afraid to give birth and during pregnancy she experienced a strong fear of childbirth. She was afraid that the child and she herself might suffocate during childbirth. This was deposited in the subconscious program of the son already in the womb. Then her relatives, who, by the way, were doctors, constantly frightened her with the fact that every illness could lead to death. As a result, the child began to develop a disease that was simply a reflection of the mother's fears.

Another cause of fear is a strong attachment to something in this world, which gives rise to the fear of losing what one is attached to. You can “stick” to anything: to money, to a house, to a loved one, to children, to a family, to ideals. It is necessary to understand that nothing in this world belongs to us, not even our thoughts.

Everything is given to us from above for temporary use, including life.

Immediately ask yourself what are you afraid of losing?

This is where you need to change your attitude. Make it not a goal in life, but a means of life.

For example, if you are hooked on money and make it a goal in life, then in the subconscious there will be a fear of losing it, and all kinds of situations will arise in your life that will lead to the loss of money.

If you treat a loved one (for example, a husband / wife) as property and cling to a relationship, then the fear of losing this relationship will ultimately lead to loneliness or you will maintain a relationship, but there will be serious illnesses.

Any value of this world should not be an end, but a means on the path of life. Stop treating anything like property. What you now use - a car, money, relationships, knowledge, life - is a gift. It matches your thoughts and your faith. The universe has given it to you. Some people have it, some don't. Some have more, and some have less. Everyone gets exactly what he knows how to use, and exactly as much as he can carry. Use it carefully and for its intended purpose, as a tool for advancing along the path of Knowledge. After all, one fine moment the Universe will ask for it back.

Everything earthly is subject to destruction: the car rusts, the house decays, loved ones leave this world, some ideals are replaced by others, knowledge is constantly changing. Only Truth itself, God, always remains unchanged and insoluble. This is what should be the goal in life. Everything else is just a means along the way. The goal in life is not the accumulation of earthly values, be they material or spiritual. Do not cling to earthly values, and then there will be no fear of losing them. The Universe is abundant and will always give you everything you need. You just need to open up, trust and be ready to let what you need into your life.

The tragedy in Kemerovo did not leave anyone indifferent both in terms of the scale of the disaster and because many children died there. The death of children is always very emotionally knocks out. When I worked in emergencies at the Ministry of Emergency Situations, the most difficult trips were associated with the death of children. No matter how experienced employees work there, I mean not only psychologists, but also representatives of various services, but dead children are emotionally difficult for everyone.

In addition, the tragedy occurred in a shopping mall. It would seem that what could be safer than taking the child to watch cartoons, and go shopping at the same time?

The loss of a basic sense of security is very acutely perceived by everyone, because in our notorious pyramid of needs this is precisely the basis. Security is urgently needed for a person along with sleep and food. And when we lose a sense of security, we collapse very quickly on this. It is necessary for a person, when closing the doors of his own house, not to think every time: “I may not return to this house, I am leaving for some dangerous world and letting my children go there.” It’s impossible to live with this feeling, that’s why there are such strong emotional reactions now.

But people are much stronger and more resilient than it sometimes seems. Mankind has existed for so many centuries and has experienced so much that, no matter what catastrophes occur, sooner or later the ground under your feet is again felt.

I remember the terrorist attacks in the Moscow metro - it happened on Holy Week, and, just like now, the anxiety stirred up people very much then. The hotline of the Ministry of Emergency Situations in those days simply collapsed from the number of calls. The flurry of calls is connected precisely with fears, with panic: “Now I am very afraid to go down the subway and I won’t let my children go there. And in general, how to live now? It was a month and a half, by the end of two it began to decrease. The first week, I remember exactly, the number of people in the subway decreased dramatically, no matter what station you went to, there were a lot of empty seats everywhere. But then everything was back to how it was before.

It cannot be otherwise, otherwise how would we live at all? It's not that we get used to it - we experience another blow that we receive from the world and from life, we somehow process it, accept it all, rebuild ourselves, adjust and begin to live on. Maybe we become a little more careful, a little more vigilant.

Larisa Pyzhyanova. Photo: Efim Erichman

"Let's do something" - for whom?

What is happening now in connection with the fire in Kemerovo, like everything in life, has two sides. Of course, people provide tremendous emotional and social support to those in need. On the other hand, any over-emotional reaction has the effect of contagion, as happens in a crowd - as soon as one person starts screaming or running, everyone immediately starts screaming and running.

These first, very strong emotional outbursts of people are a natural human reaction to tragedy. This is how human indifference and the need of people not only to empathize and grieve together, but also to be active are manifested. This active experience can be expressed in the call: "Let's do something so that this does not happen again." Therefore, the state of people who go to rallies, transfer money, are very indignant on social networks, and demand something is understandable.

Those who are now actively, and sometimes aggressively, providing “support” in social networks should take a step back, look at the situation as if from the outside and honestly answer themselves:

“Who am I doing this for? For those people and relatives whose loved ones have died, or am I trying so hard to cope with my own emotional state, with the fact that it makes me feel bad? Who is this for?

People who have lost loved ones do not sit on social networks and do not read blogs. They don't have the strength to do so. Of course, maybe for someone it is also a resource. But I often heard from people after such tragedies: “Some time has passed, we went to social networks, read them, but they didn’t open them at all, we weren’t up to it.”

I think that this intensity is not always about support, but rather about reacting to one's own emotions. It became scary, terrible for us, once again we felt all our defenselessness in front of the real world, that this could happen to anyone and anywhere. And there is no need for war, you can just go to the cinema in your city.

The more powerfully this emotional fuse rages, the faster it can end. A person cannot be in an excited state for a long time, because emotional reactions exhaust people very much.

Why they first support, and then "shy away"

At first, it seems to a person in whose life a tragedy has occurred that not only the ground has been knocked out from under his feet, but as if he was in a complete vacuum, he does not understand at all how to live now, what to do. At this time, it is especially important for him that there are many people around who give powerful emotional support and the feeling that you are not alone, that the world cares about what happened to you.

But days, weeks go by, and there are fewer people who can afford to be constantly around, because they have work, their own family, and things to do. It cannot be otherwise, because what knocked you out of everyday life and made you think about a lot, sooner or later becomes a part of your life, your memories, experiences, but it is already leaving the focus of your attention. And people who at first were so generously and powerfully supported from all sides, suddenly at one moment begin to understand that they were left alone.

My specialty is crisis counseling, so people who are going through grief, tragedy turn to me, and I have heard these stories many times: “You know, you are left alone, really, like in a vacuum. Yes, at first they sympathize with you, they support you, they sympathize with you, and then once - and you are alone. Moreover, you generally begin to feel like a leper, everyone shy away from you. And colleagues stop approaching you at work, as they used to come just to chat, drink tea, and relatives come less often, and neighbors. Then they conclude that while it’s good, everyone is nearby and everyone helps, and if something happens, they will first help, and then they seem to be afraid of getting infected with your grief and start to shy away from you. But that's not really the case at all.

This decrease in attention, help and support has its own completely understandable explanation: “This is not because we shy away from you, but because we also have our own life - with our sorrows, joys, difficulties and problems, and it requires presence in her".

If a person shouts “All the bastards, I hate”, he wants to hear something completely different

For some people who have experienced such tragedies, especially men, aggression and finding the culprit helps to cope with their condition. They are like fighters, like warriors, they go to fight this life, because it has dealt them a blow of transcendent strength and injustice. And they took this blow as a declaration of war and went to fight.

As long as they fight, as long as they fight, it keeps them going. But all wars end sooner or later. And we must understand that, yes, the perpetrators will be found, punished, the war will end, and then what will the person be left with? First of all, he needs love and support, and not swinging again into hatred, into war.

I remember how, at one emergency, one person said a very important thing: “We must try to understand the scale of the catastrophe, that it did not cover the whole world, but somewhere still peacefully and calmly, and, therefore, they will be able to help you and you will eventually everything will be fine again. And it is very important to see the light at the end of the tunnel.” This is just about the fact that when people are filled with hatred, they turn off this already weak light, and there is a feeling that there is only darkness and chaos around. But you can't do good with evil.

I myself have been for "good with fists" for a very long time. If something happened, I mentally grabbed the machine gun and was ready to fight for all the good against all the bad. But ten years of work in the Ministry of Emergency Situations changed me a lot. I realized that people do not need hatred in any form, they need love.

Even when in an emergency a person shouts in your face: “All the bastards! I hate everyone! He definitely doesn't want you to agree with him. He wants to hear something completely different. At this moment, not anger screams in a person, but despair and impotence, it is very scary for a person when he is powerless to change something.

Many times I understood for sure that a person does not need confirmation of his words that everyone around is reptiles, but that you hug him, at least mentally, and say: “Now it’s insanely hard for you, it’s impossible bad. But you remember one thing - it will not always be like this! Sometimes there will be bad, but there will definitely be good! We humans are very strong. And they are able to rise from such ashes that even thinking about it is scary.

Photo: Igor Starovoitov / photosight.ru

You can say it in other words, but people need just such a message. It is very important that a person in trouble be told that he can survive it. Because at that moment it seems that life is completely destroyed.

This is not about the fact that "everything will be fine", no. But everything will be! Only it will be different - it will be good.