Poets called this state love at first sight, when a guy and a girl, having barely met, feel an unprecedented attraction. Scientists today are investigating this phenomenon and put forward several assumptions about the nature of such feelings.
The article discusses the most famous of them.
Why a man is attracted to a woman: biology
Smell
According to this theory, each person releases special substances - pheromones. They practically do not smell, but act on the olfactory receptors that send a signal to the brain. He, in turn, unconsciously interprets them as an attractive aroma, and the person becomes interesting as a partner.
Women and men have different types of pheromones, the intensity of which increases during periods of abstinence, good mood, etc.
Eye contact
Another theory suggests that people are attracted to each other by staring. In the animal kingdom, the latter is a signal of danger, awakening a zone in the brain that decides to approach the object or move away. A person perceives this shake-up as a state of love.
In favor of this assumption is the study of American scientists, where they offered the subjects to look into the eyes of the interlocutor. At a close look, many noted the emergence of pleasant feelings for the counterpart.
Why is drawn to a person: psychology
At one time, the founder of modern psychology, Z. Freud, tested in his own practice the assumption that a girl is subconsciously attracted to a man who resembles her own father, and boys are attracted to a girl similar (in psychological terms) to their mother.
At the same time, people are not able to see this similarity, but intuitively strive to find a partner that matches the parent's psychotype. Not without reason, acquaintances often note how much the bride looks like the groom's mother in her youth.
The attraction of opposites
Another idea explains attraction by the desire to compensate for one's own shortcomings with the virtues of a partner. And having met an object with the necessary qualities, a person experiences tender feelings for him, called the state of being in love.
love in return
Seeing special attention from a man to his person, a woman feels most desirable and perfect for this person. There is an unconscious desire to answer him the same, the girl is drawn to the guy. The result is a mutual feeling. The same is true in the opposite situation: a man falls in love with a lady who adores him.
It is impossible to say that this or that theory is the most correct, therefore each of them has the right to exist.
Greetings, my dear readers! Have you ever wondered what is the main principle by which you choose a person for a relationship? Is it just a hobby, strong feelings, or a subconscious search for an image of a mother / father? Today I propose to talk about why you are attracted to a certain person. Is it worth surrendering to this feeling or do you need to think so as not to destroy the existing happiness?
New emotes
What is human attraction? The desire to constantly be near, to hear a voice, to smell, a feeling of impossibility without it. Such feelings can be either momentary and quickly passing, or long, lasting for several years.
It happens that you just met a stranger and already all thoughts are only about him. He seems so mysterious and interesting. Communication is filled with flirting and play. You plunge into it completely and completely, and there is no other world anymore. All the past is left behind.
Something new and unknown always attracts a person. Especially against the backdrop of everyday life and dullness. So, one of my clients, being married for a long time, met a man at a party. They just talked, but he left a mark on her soul.
She painted how wonderful he was, how much he was different from her husband, that he was completely different and she could not live without him. As a result, she left her husband, and after a while the new gentleman turned out to be the same ordinary and worthless comrade.
Man is drawn to the mystery, to the unknown. And upon closer inspection, everything seems already different, not so fabulous and beautiful. Everything new captivates and pulls with it. And it's very cool when something strong and eternal is born from this situation. I have a huge number of examples when a new and bright feeling appeared in a person’s life, which grew into strong love for many years.
And sometimes you just like a person, it’s good and fun to spend time with him, you don’t think about anything, and then you realize that you are very drawn to him. You can no longer imagine your evening without a text message or a call, every moment you want to know what a person is doing.
If you can’t figure out your feelings, are not sure of something or doubt, then I have an excellent article in store for you, which will help you sort things out for two times: “”.
Pulling to the past
But we are drawn not only to something new and unknown. It happens that the image of a former lover cannot get out of your head. The relationship could have ended several years ago, but still continues to pull towards the person.
When the relationship was long, then this turn of events is not surprising. You just have a lot in common, you gave so much to each other that it seems impossible to live without him. Constantly communicated, had common friends and acquaintances, you had a common life, joint plans. It's all and haunts even after a few years.
A person can cling to the past because he does not see his future. Or afraid of the unknown. He does not believe that he can trust another person, it seems that new good relationships can no longer be built. Therefore, it clings tightly to the past and this notorious attraction appears.
If you have just such a case and you still cannot break with your past, then read the article "". Even if you are not attracted to your first love, the article will help you deal with your feelings for the past and you will definitely find the answer to the question - how to forget a person and live on?
What to do with it
If you are a free person, then calmly surrender to this wonderful feeling. Passion, love make a person inspired and inspired. It's a wonderful and liberating feeling. It is worth enjoying every moment and just being happy. Understand that life is too short to deny yourself feelings and emotions.
What if I don't like it, but I'm attracted to it? Again, if you are free, then let yourself be drawn to health. Sex, for example, is very good for health. And good sex, in general, can even cure a headache.
Another question is, if you are not free, you already have a relationship, but you are drawn to a completely different person. This is a place to stop and think seriously. Because a rash and quick decision can greatly change both your life and that of others.
Try to understand what this new attraction means. Maybe you are looking for something new and invigorating? If this is the case, then stop and think about how you can achieve such emotions together with your loved one.
If this is not the first time this has happened to you, you often pay attention to other people while in a relationship, then you should think about why you are, in general, then in a relationship. Understand what you are missing, what you are clinging to, what you are running to. Maybe both you and your partner are suffering in a relationship, but are afraid to admit it to each other? After all, in a happy couple there is no third superfluous.
If you want to build healthy and happy relationships, then Dean Delice's book " Passion Paradox". It rather extraordinary highlights the issue of relationships, extinguished passion and reciprocity. The author looks at many questions from a new angle, which will undoubtedly give you a lot of food for thought.
Where do you think this attraction comes from and why to certain people? Is it more like love or easy falling in love? Or maybe it's just a passion?
Enjoy life and be happy!
Daniel J. Amen MD, neuroscientist, neuropsychiatrist, director of the world famous Amen Clinics Inc.
Here is an excerpt from Daniel Amen's book Brain and Love. Secrets of Practical Neurobiology. The book is in our
Daniel J. Amen: "If you've been dating one of my daughters for more than 4 months, you should get a brain scan." Such a requirement may seem extravagant, but Amen argues that even the slightest disturbance in the work of this "main sexual organ" has a serious impact on love relationships. From his book it follows, for example, that chronic lateness for dates may indicate a reduced activity of the frontal cortex, and serious brain diseases sometimes ... increase a person's sexual attractiveness. In addition to the most curious scientific information, Amen also gives a lot of practical advice on the use of dietary supplements, aphrodisiacs and other drugs to correct brain function.
Don't get intimate with the person you don't want to fall in love with, because that's exactly what can happen.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher
Imagine that you are driving your car in a long traffic jam in front of a traffic light. Cars move slowly, time seems to stand still. And suddenly you notice her. She stands at the "zebra", about to cross the road. No, she is not the girl of your dreams. Rather, the beauty of the day. It's good that his wife is not around. You would be in serious trouble if she noticed how you stared at the chest, hips and waist of a stranger emphasizing their expressiveness. There was a pleasant pounding in the temples. You reacted automatically, reflexively, and it will probably be the strongest impression of the day. For a brief moment, it wiped out all your commitments—a ten-year marriage, your adored second grade child, the need to watch traffic and traffic lights. You have capitulated, you have let go of control, you have fallen into the charms of the visual image.
But she, in turn, does not stare at you. And not only because you are driving a far from new family van. Her brain just works in a completely different way. You are attracted by beauty, form, fantasy. She, following the laws of her deep biological nature (which she herself may not know), is looking for a man who can conceive healthy children, and then protect and provide for them and her. And, yes, maybe even buy the same van for the family. She, a woman, is programmed by nature for long-term traditional tasks. And your goals are sometimes shockingly momentary.
If a date with her succeeds, you will probably enjoy it, but risk ruining your life.
“To call or not to call” - while you decide this, the brain is feverishly sorting information, making a choice, determining your actions, on which fate depends.
CHEMICAL SYMPHONY
If you have ever listened to a symphony or other beautiful piece of music, you will understand that the overall impression depends on the performance of each individual musician. Prosperous sexual relationships are also like such a symphony, in which many hormones and chemicals play synergistically. If any of the hormones or other chemicals are out of balance, their balance as a whole is unbalanced.
After reviewing the five major brain systems in Lesson 2, we move on to explore substances associated with the major phases of love: attraction, infatuation, attachment, and separation.
1. Attraction to a potential object of love, craving for sexual satisfaction is primarily controlled by male and female sex hormones: testosterone, estrogen, nitric oxide and a group of substances with the conditional name "pheromones".
2. Passion - a period of passionate love- characterized by a feeling of happiness (if everything is going well) or strong feelings (if something is not going well). At the same time, all attention is focused on the object, and the person is absorbed in dreams of new meetings with him. This condition is accompanied by the presence in his blood of a literally cocktail of neurotransmitters: adrenaline, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin and phenylethylamine (PEA).
3. Attachment, the feeling of unity, calm joy, stability and peace that one feels next to a potentially long-term partner is supported by the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin.
4. Parting, loss of love due to breakup or death, often accompanied by a deficiency of serotonin and endorphins.
In this chapter, we will look at each of the phases and learn how to deal with the dangers of breaking up the chemical symphony at each of them, especially when parting.
SUBSTANCES OF ATTRACTION: "YOU TURN ME ON"
(testosterone, estrogen, nitric oxide, pheromones)
When I first saw her, I took my breath away. She was amazing. I couldn't think of anything, I couldn't tear my eyes away. “I need to be polite, not stare at her so openly, otherwise she will think that I am preoccupied,” I told myself, but it was useless. Brown curls, green eyes, a flexible neck. "Enough, you don't even know her... cool off!"
Such an impression can be the beginning of a great love, or a nightmarish obsession, or just a brief firework of feelings.
What happens in the brain when such an attraction is experienced? Our brains are programmed for it. Attraction activates a powerful chemical reaction. This is one of the most beneficial responses in the history of our species.
It is known that 50% of the brain is involved in the processing of incoming visual information. Therefore, the way the other person moves, speaks, smiles, what his eyes express - all this is extremely important for the emergence of attraction. When we see a person attractive to us, his image occupies a large part of our brain. It works like a powerful drug.
Using state-of-the-art brain-scanning equipment, researchers at Emory University in Atlanta found that the amygdala (an area of the brain responsible for regulating emotions and associated with motivation) was much more active in men than in women after watching sexual material for half an hour, although both said they liked the images. Men are known to be more interested in pornography than women. And it’s not for nothing that women spend much more time taking care of their appearance.
Men are more likely to be attracted to fertile (fertile), healthy young women with a symmetrical figure and face. Genetically, a man's brain is programmed to subtly decide whether he wants his children to carry that woman's genes. Subconsciously, we focus on signs of health, such as clear skin and bright eyes. Many scientists believe that body symmetry plays an important role in our perception of beauty. This assumption is based on the fact that asymmetry by its nature is often associated with ill health, which may affect future offspring.
Male students in a study at the University of New Mexico rated the attractiveness of female faces in photographs and rated symmetrical faces more often than asymmetrical ones. Moreover, there is evidence that women with symmetrical features have more sexual partners and lose their virginity earlier.
There is scientific evidence for another worldly wisdom: in the presence of a very beautiful woman, men "stupid." So, in the experiment, men were shown photos of beautiful or not very attractive women. Next, the subjects rolled a dice and were told that they could get either $15 immediately or $75 in a few days. Men who were shown pictures of beautiful women were more likely to choose $15 right away, meaning they stopped thinking soberly about the long-term consequences when their brains were flooded with the hormones of love.
By the way, the same experiment was carried out on women - and it turned out that the attractiveness of men had no effect on their thought processes.
It seems that the appearance of a beautiful woman activates the limbic system of men (the emotional brain), while simultaneously suppressing the work of the frontal cortex, due to which judgments become emotional, ill-conceived. This mechanism is well known in Las Vegas. The casino always has pretty waitresses in short dresses with a deep neckline, carrying free drinks (also slowing down the work of the frontal cortex). It is not surprising that the gambling business is profitable.
A woman is much less concerned about the appearance of a man - she is more interested in his actions and way of thinking. She rather appreciates the ability of a man to take care of her and her offspring.
Catching a successful man - in any culture - is much more important than getting a handsome man. As always, beauty is a relative concept.
Feelings of attraction, desire, arousal, and orgasm are enhanced by a complex interplay of neurotransmitters, hormones, and other substances that reinforce the thrilling feeling of falling in love.
The role of testosterone and estrogen in sexual desire was discovered in the 1920s. Since that time, there has been a gradual evolution in our ideas about the role of chemicals in the experience of love passions.
Here we can recall the controversial work of Alfred Kinsley in the 1940s; then the first publications on the stages of development of attraction in human sexuality; finally, the craze for drugs such as Viagra (causing a rush of blood to the genitals and thereby stimulating arousal) and the androgel type (testosterone gel applied to the skin, intended for people with low testosterone levels).
Hormones are substances produced in the body. They have a specific effect on the functioning of certain organs of the body. The main sex hormones can be divided into androgens and estrogens.
Both classes of hormones are present in both men and women, but in different proportions. The body of a man produces 6-8 mg of testosterone (male sex hormone) per day, and the body of a woman - 0.5 mg of testosterone. Estrogens are produced in women in greater quantities than in the representatives of the stronger sex.
Androgens: Testosterone
Androgens are the so-called male sex hormones. Among them, the main one is testosterone. It is produced in large quantities by the testes and adrenal glands of men. However, in women, the ovaries and adrenal cortex produce small amounts of testosterone. It is androgens that trigger the formation of the testicles and penis in the male fetus. They also regulate the process of puberty in a boy, are responsible for the formation of secondary male sexual characteristics: the distribution of hair on the face, body and groin, the coarsening of the voice, the development of muscles, body shape and features of subcutaneous fatty tissue. And after adolescence, testosterone plays an important role in sexual life. The lack of this hormone can lead to the fading of sexual desire. After all, it is testosterone that controls sexual appetite in both men and women. In addition, testosterone-deficient men have difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. As we age, testosterone levels decrease. In addition, many men suffer from a lack of testosterone (this condition is known as hypogonadism).
Unfortunately, they do not always seek medical help. Some people think it's normal. Others are embarrassed to admit to having such a sensitive problem. Often it is a loving woman who encourages a man to seek help.
This was the case with William, 56, who came to our clinic on the recommendation of his wife, who noticed that he had lost interest in sex, although he had previously been a very active love partner. He still liked to hug his wife, he loved her, but morning erections (normal for men) became rare, and spontaneous erections were less and less common. William became less interested not only in lovemaking, but in some other things that used to fascinate him. Blood and saliva tests showed very low testosterone levels.
Androgel (gel with testosterone, applied to the shoulders once a day) normalized his hormonal levels. Interest in sex and erectile function in William recovered.
In women of reproductive age, the amount of testosterone increases before ovulation, due to which their sexuality increases, just when they are most fertile (able to conceive). Many doctors believe that birth control pills suppress women's libido because they interfere with the hormonal cycle of testosterone and estrogen.
Among other things, low testosterone levels are associated with Alzheimer's disease and other memory disorders, heart disease, and reduced bone density. If you have low sex drive and memory problems, check your testosterone levels.
Estrogens
Estrogens are sex hormones produced primarily by the female ovaries. Estrogens regulate the development of female genital organs, as well as the growth of mammary glands and hair in the groin - secondary female sexual characteristics. Estrogens regulate the menstrual cycle and are essential for maintaining the health of the vaginal mucosa and its elasticity, as well as for the production of vaginal lubrication. They help preserve the structure and function of the female mammary glands.
Practice shows that when a woman takes estrogen and testosterone separately to improve sexual desire, the treatment is not as effective as when both hormones are taken together. From this we can conclude that estrogen and testosterone synergistically help increase libido.
In both men and women, estrogen (small amounts) is additionally produced in the brain. The role of estrogen in the male body is not yet fully understood, but it is assumed that this hormone is very important for the usefulness of the male libido. True, too high levels of estrogen in men can lead to a decrease in sexual desire, cause erectile dysfunction, breast enlargement and loss of body hair. Unfortunately, we are exposed every day to so-called xenoestrogens - substances such as pesticides that are similar in structure to estrogens and bind to the same receptors. And in the meat of chickens and cows, there can be many hormones from injections with which animals were pierced to increase their weight before slaughter. If you have a choice, buy organic chicken and beef.
Nitric oxide
Nitric oxide is a substance produced in the genitals when aroused, which causes vasodilation and a rush of blood to the genitals, especially the penis. Drugs like Viagra and Cialis stimulate the production of nitric oxide. These drugs work well in men, but the results of studies in women are far from conclusive.
In addition, these medicines should be used with caution in people with blood pressure problems and cardiovascular disease.
Pheromones
Have you ever noticed that the smell of some people attracts you, while others almost repel you. The secret lies in pheromones, odorous hormones secreted by sweat glands under the arms to attract the opposite sex. In 1991, a research group at Harvard University proved the existence of a "sixth sense" or human vomeronasal system. Exactly how these hormones work is not yet fully understood, but it is clear that they affect people's marital sympathies, feelings of affection, and care for offspring.
Another interesting fact: women who live side by side in university dormitories or spend a lot of time together, menstrual cycles are synchronized. It is believed that pheromones are also responsible for this phenomenon. In primitive times, smell was a very significant means of communication, and, as it turns out, it is still important for relationships between people and largely determines who we find sexually attractive.
Neurologist Alan Hirsch believes that a person's individual smell greatly affects his attraction to a potential partner. “When you smell good, I want you to be closer. If you smell bad1 - I want you to leave. Our nose is the real organ of sexuality." Hirsch argues that one should not say “I fell in love at first sight,” but “I fell in love with the first breath,” because there is a direct connection between the olfactory bulb in the nose and the septal nucleus of the brain - the center of erection.
Dr. Hirsch treated patients who had an impaired sense of smell or taste, and found that almost a quarter of people deprived of the sense of smell developed sexual dysfunctions. By measuring blood flow to the penis in men with a small pneumatic cuff, he found that the scents of lavender and pumpkin pie, donuts, licorice and cinnamon increased arousal. (I will discuss this topic in more detail in Lesson 9 on arousal.)
Crazy Craving Substances: "I CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY HEAD"
(adrenaline, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin and phenethylamine)
Mother Nature mixed the explosive mixture when she created substances that contribute to our complete immersion in the state of love. She is wise, because if it were not for these inhibitory centers in the brain (primarily the amygdala) that warn us of possible danger, people would not be able to fall in love and procreate headlong.
Some even describe the infatuation stage as an altered state of consciousness, similar to what a person experiences when intoxicated, in a trance, or under the influence of drugs. People in love during this period sacrifice sleep by talking late into the night with the object of their feelings on the phone or constantly sending text messages. They behave in ways that are out of character for them, such as skydiving (although they are afraid of heights) or eating sushi, although at other times the thought of raw fish makes them sick.
Romantic love and infatuation are not so much emotions as motivational engines. They are part of the brain's reward system. The intensification of these feelings causes people to look for marriage partners. And from these motivational engines all other emotions are fueled - depending on how the relationship develops. The frontal cortex at this time collects information, organizes facts into a system and develops a strategy for moving towards the “big score”.
Motivation and the acceleration system in the brain are stimulated by neurotransmitters: adrenaline, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin and phenylethylamine. In the initial phase (attraction phase) these substances also participate, but only at the second, romantic stage, they begin to dominate and dominate.
Neurotransmitters are substances that help transmit signals between nerve cells. The brain constantly balances, increasing or decreasing their number. Thanks to them, you either get worried when you see your loved one, or feel your heart pounding from an excess of feelings, then, on the contrary, you calm down and enjoy the moment, the warmth of mutual love.
Adrenaline and norepinephrine
Adrenaline and norepinephrine, produced in the adrenal glands, as well as in the spinal cord and brain, are excitatory neurotransmitters. They cause an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, causing the body to prepare for action - in the face of threat or joy (general excitement) in the presence of a potential love partner. These hormones also contribute to sexual arousal and orgasm. When their level is constantly elevated, a person is prone to anxiety, and when it is lower, to depression.
Chronic stress, low levels of estrogen, testosterone and progesterone, a sedentary lifestyle, a poor diet and genetics can lead to a drop in adrenaline and noradrenaline levels, which violates the “law of attraction”. A person with a lack of adrenaline and norepinephrine, seeing an attractive potential partner, is afraid to invite him on a date for fear that he will get too excited, his palms will sweat, his face will turn red spots or he will start to stutter. With a lack of these substances, stimulant drugs or nutritional supplements (for example, the amino acid tyrosine) will help balance them. If the levels of adrenaline and norepinephrine are too high, forms of therapy such as hypnosis and biofeedback, as well as some drugs, are used.
The most important and well-studied neurotransmitter associated with situations where we are passionate about something (i.e. directing special attention to a well-defined object) is dopamine. It is produced in the central part of the brain and is responsible for feelings of pleasure, motivation and concentration. Dopamine is also involved in the reward centers of the brain. Normal dopamine levels help people experience joy in the presence of a loved one, interest in him, and feel attractive.
In 2002, Dr. Helen Fisher conducted a study that explained the role of dopamine in the feeling of falling in love. She and her assistants recruited 40 subjects who had recently experienced a period of intense infatuation. Of those, 20 were still in the relationship, while the other 20 survived the breakup. The researcher placed each subject in a tomograph, inside which a person had to look at a photo of the one he was in love with for 30 seconds, and then they were given a distracting task - for another 30 seconds to look at a photo of just a familiar person, and so alternately for 30 seconds. 12 minutes. The result of the experiment were pictures of the brain in love. It turned out that dopamine was active in different areas of the brain, including the basal ganglia. And it was the photographs of his beloved that caused his activity. In addition, some conducting pathways in the frontal lobes were excited, but the amygdala (the center of fear), on the contrary, was suppressed.
So, dopamine is associated with a person's interest, his passion, increased attention. Therefore, low levels of dopamine are likely to cause depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), risk taking, and easy pleasure seeking. Dopamine production is increased by cocakines and stimulant drugs. To increase the level of dopamine, you can use some biologically active additives, such as the amino acid tyrosine. I have seen men and women benefit significantly from this amino acid when their dopamine levels are low, and when their romantic drive is suppressed by antidepressant medications.
Serotonin
Serotonin is produced in the brainstem and middle part of the brain, and its release is accompanied by positive experiences. The feeling of satisfaction after orgasm is largely regulated by serotonin. Serotonin is involved in mood regulation and emotional flexibility. With its deficiency, depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, impulsivity and excessive activity in the anterior cingulate gyrus (AFCI) are possible. Low levels of serotonin, oddly enough, were observed in the subjects during the period of the emergence of a new love. Perhaps that is why in the initial stages of a relationship, people sometimes experience anxiety and mood swings.
However, just when there is a lack of serotonin, people tend to get stuck on certain thoughts or patterns of behavior. Remember the last time you fell in love - you couldn't think of anything else, no matter how much you had to do, and you always found time for this person. When you thought about him, your mood went up, and when your phone call went unanswered, it went down. You couldn’t find a place for yourself, and your friends wondered what had become of your discretion. If the relationship ends prematurely, then low levels of serotonin make the person vulnerable to depression.
In clinical practice, I spend most of my time taking brain scans of people who need help. As part of the research, I'm taking brain scans of healthy people. A few years ago, one of my friends participated in our study as a patient with a healthy brain. A couple of months later, he fell madly in love. One day he came to me to tell me about his new love. I saw that he was extremely infatuated with his new woman, and I decided to repeat the scan of his brain to see how he looked "in love." In the second picture, activity in the anterior cingulate gyrus and in the basal ganglia was significantly increased, his brain was literally obsessed with a new hobby. Probably, his serotonin level was then lowered.
An excess of serotonin can also create problems, because the feeling of peace and satisfaction it generates contributes to a decrease in motivation. Antidepressants that increase serotonin are notorious for decreasing sex drive and sexual function, partly because recipients lose sexual interest, but also because excess serotonin reduces sensitivity in the genital area and makes it harder to have an orgasm.
Thus, dopamine and serotonin tend to balance each other in the brain. When the level of dopamine is high (as it happens with a new love) - the level of serotonin decreases, and then the person is more motivated to think about the object of his interest, which leads to falling in love. If power passes to serotonin, a person becomes satisfied, motivation decreases and the attitude towards love stimuli becomes almost indifferent.
Phenylethylamine
Phenylethylamine (PEA), an adrenaline-like substance found in particular in chocolate, can speed up the exchange of information between nerve cells and helps us pay attention to the feelings of love that have arisen. PEA is also referred to as the “love molecule” because it promotes feelings of euphoria and intense passion and, along with norepinephrine and dopamine, increases blood flow to the brain.
ATTACHMENT SUBSTANCES: "I LOVE YOU"
(oxytocin and vasopressin)
Those who have ever fallen in love know that the initial special state of falling in love does not last forever. We either progress in a relationship and begin to experience deep love and affection, or we decide to break up. Neuroscientists have determined that between about 6 months and 2 years after the onset of a relationship, the brain slightly slows down the active release of stimulants and neurotransmitters such as PEA. Here the innate wisdom of the body works: after all, the tension of feelings cannot be maintained indefinitely, otherwise it will lead to exhaustion.
My colleagues in couples therapy and family therapy note that there are many unnecessary divorces and breakups during this period, because people confuse the natural decline in the intensity of experiences with the loss of love. Due to the lack of habitual strong emotions, some may start looking for new experiences with other sexual partners. However, understanding this biological law greatly helps couples move into the phase of trust and affection where true love begins.
How does your brain know if you want to stay with an attractive partner? Devotion is usually more difficult for men than for women. Even though our goals are similar (procreation, pleasure and belonging), women are more focused on starting a family and raising children. There is not a single human community, not a single exotic culture, where men would be the main educators of children. Men and women have different programs pre-installed by nature. So, in women, the limbic (emotional brain) is larger. This does not mean that men are not needed to raise children or that they do not think anything about it, they just have different roles. Unless a woman has experienced emotional trauma, she is initially more disposed to settle down and start a family. Men are often afraid of the responsibility of raising children and loyalty to one chosen one. Interestingly, men with not very high testosterone levels are more inclined to create a strong family.
An American study of 4,000 men found that men with high testosterone were 43% more likely to be divorced and 38% more likely to have extramarital affairs. And they get married 50% less often. Men with lower testosterone levels are more likely to marry and marry, perhaps because moderate levels of testosterone make them calmer, less aggressive, and more cooperative.
Generally speaking, the desire to form a pair is associated with two "hormones of emotional connection" - oxytocin and vasopressin.
Oxytocin
Oxytocin is released by the pituitary gland and acts on the ovaries and testes to regulate reproduction. Researchers suspect that this hormone is important for forming close social bonds. Oxytocin levels rise when couples watch romantic movies, hug or hold hands. Mouse voles with injections of oxytocin multiply much faster than usual. Blocking oxytocin interferes with their normal pairing. The same thing happens with people. Because people choose their partners to certain characteristics. That's why you can repeatedly be attracted to one type of person.
In general, oxytocin levels are normally lower in men, with the exception of periods after orgasm, when it rises by 500% (which causes drowsiness). In babies, this hormone is released when they breastfeed, so they also become sleepy.
Oxytocin also promotes feelings of intimacy and falling in love if you have regular sex with one partner. There are several reasons for this. First, oxytocin makes the skin more sensitive, increasing attachment and the desire for physical contact. Secondly, the level of oxytocin increases with touch and even their expectation. Oxytocin rises during intercourse, reaching a maximum level at orgasm, and remains elevated for some time after it. Perhaps that is why some men become more talkative and emotional after intimacy. In addition, oxytocin during sex temporarily blocks some of the unpleasant episodes associated with our partner. In addition, it is known that, for example, strong releases of oxytocin after childbirth help a woman forget the pain, and during breastfeeding, they are designed to “erase” the memories of long sleepless nights when she had to take care of a newborn. Nature did this for the sake of positive feelings and love for the child.
Oxytocin creates an atmosphere of trust. Michael Kosfeld and colleagues from Switzerland published in the journal Nature the results of a study in which inhalation of oxytocin into the nose increased people's confidence in others. Participants who inhaled an oxytocin spray provided more money to partners in a risky investment game than participants who were given placebo inhalers.
It turns out that oxytocin promotes the trust necessary for friendship, love, family, economic and political transactions. According to the conclusions of the authors, oxytocin specifically affects a person's willingness to accept the risks that arise in interpersonal contacts.
In an experiment, college students were given $64 each as a reward. Then they were divided into pairs, and one person in each pair was randomly assigned to be the "investor" and the other to be the "banker." Participants received 12 coupons worth 32 cents, which could be redeemed at the end of the experiment. The "investors" decided how many coupons to give to the "banker". Both men knew that the experimenters would quadruple this amount at the end of the game. The “bankers” decided whether to keep the entire increased amount or give part of it as interest to the “investor”. Among the "investors" who inhaled oxytocin, approximately half gave all their coupons to the "bankers", and many gave most of the coupons. And among those who inhaled the placebo, only a fifth of the "investors" gave the "bankers" half of the coupons, and only a third of them - most of the coupons. Interestingly, oxytocin only affected the “investors.” "Bankers", regardless of what they inhaled, returned comparable parts of the amount. They were more generous if investors gave away most of their coupons, and more stingy if investments were small. Thus, the effect of oxytocin was limited to the social situation.
Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio of the University of Iowa thinks the effects of oxytocin are a surprising discovery: "It adds trust to love, and without trust, there is no true love."
Substances that enhance bonds between people can also affect the ability to conceive. In animal experiments, an increase in oxytocin increased the fertility of individuals. In humans, high levels of oxytocin are associated with reduced stress levels and trusting a person - which together can increase the likelihood of conception.
Vasopressin
The key to the mechanism of attachment in a man is given by the hormone vasopressin. This hormone is involved in the regulation of sexual constancy, confidence, dominance, and territory marking. It is not surprising that in men its concentration is higher.
So why do some men constantly follow the eyes of women, while others remain faithful to their girlfriends? It turned out that in voles, the difference between devoted monogamous males (sort of exemplary fathers firmly sitting in their native nest) and "adventurers" on the side, prone to changing pairs, can be explained by different levels of vasopressin.
Oxytocin and vasopressin in some way conflict with the action of dopamine and norepinephrine. Perhaps that is why the feeling of affection intensifies as crazy, passionate love weakens.
The two neurotransmitters described for tender and lasting love can be influenced by other hormones. For example, elevated testosterone levels can suppress oxytocin and vasopressin. (It has already been mentioned above that men with high testosterone levels marry less often, divorce more often, and are more prone to manifestations of aggression in marriage.) True, there is also such a scientific fact. When a man picks up a baby, testosterone levels drop, in part because it releases oxytocin and vasopressin.
The trust, attachment, and constancy that comes from oxytocin and vasopressin are very important for a couple's stability. However, hormones alone are not enough to maintain sexual and emotional unity between people.
It is important for partners to be able to discuss their desires and needs (both in the bedroom and outside it), to be able to listen carefully and make efforts on both sides to maintain the warm relationship that has arisen between them. (If you haven't seen it yet, check out March of the Penguins, one of the best videos about real affection.)
PARTING: "WHY DOES IT HURRY SO MUCH?"
(serotonin and endorphins)
When Shouna and Nick fled, he could not come to his senses for a long time. Nick heard her voice in his head, smelled Shouna on his clothes, remembered her touch. They were together for 5 years, and everything around him reminded him of Shawn: photos, movies, waking up, falling asleep. She was present in his thoughts for most of the day. Moreover, in the depths of his soul, Nick was even glad that they parted - they could never agree and parted several times already. Nick always felt that he couldn't rely on Showna, that she would leave if things got worse. However, despite this, he worried, worried, and even had panic attacks at moments of especially strong longing for Shawn.
What happens in the brain when we lose someone? Why do we suffer? When we love someone, that person "lives" in our emotional centers - in the limbic brain. (That is, it is actually “recorded” in many of our pathways, in synapses and neurons.) When we lose someone - due to death, divorce, moving, breakup of relationships - the brain seems to be confused and disoriented. The loved one is still present in our neural connections, and we habitually expect to see, hear, feel them. When this does not happen, the emotional centers of the brain, in which memories of the lost loved one are alive, are activated in search of this person. And, as we already know, excessive activity of the limbic system is associated with depression and a decrease in serotonin. That is why it is difficult for us to fall asleep, we lose our appetite, the joy of life, we strive for isolation from the world and obsessively think about the subject of our feelings. At the same time, we experience a lack of endorphins, which are designed to reduce the sensation of pain and promote the experience of pleasure and joy. All of this can explain the physical and mental pain of breaking up a relationship.
How to throw the object of love out of your head and heart
In Dean Koontz's novel Speed, a psychopathic killer tortures his victim, the good-natured bartender BILLY Wilens, by driving three fishhooks under his skin. Fish hooks are very difficult to remove, the hero needed a lot of alcohol and painkillers, and besides, he left scars.
When a loved one leaves us, even if we ourselves initiated the breakup, many feel like unfortunate Bill Willens. Breakup wounds and scars are often healed with alcohol and other "painkillers" (such as drugs, sex, overwork). I myself know what the end of a relationship is: they left me, and I left. When they leave you, it hurts more.
Once, after parting, it seemed to me that such hooks were deeply embedded in my heart and brain, and every memory of my beloved pulled at them. Photos, songs, friends, cars, names (she had a common name), cities, pillows and restaurants all reminded me of her. I was a neurochemical storm for almost 6 months. I even took a brain scan of myself in the midst of these experiences to see what my brain looked like when it was in grief. The scan showed excessive activity in the anterior cingulate (which is not normal for me). It was in line with my obsession with sadness.
Based on my own experience and experience working with patients, I can offer five tips on how to survive a breakup and feel good.
1. First of all, take care of your health. At first, we simply try to moderate the pain: we eat or drink too much, stop exercising, isolate ourselves from communication with people. Stop immediately! Watch your diet, exercise more (studies have shown that exercise is as effective for depression as antidepressant medication), and spend time with friends. The kava kava supplement helps promote sleep if not taken for too long.
2. Don't idealize the other person. Whenever we focus on the good qualities of a former partner, we only increase our pain. If we remember the negative moments, the pain decreases, and we begin to rejoice that we broke up with this person. Take the time to make a list of your ex's negative traits. Idealization prolongs the process of mourning and intensifies the pain. Find a balance. Be honest about the other person's bad and good traits. There is a useful exercise that I tried on myself at the time of parting. You need to make a mnemonic phrase, reminiscent of the bad qualities of the former partner. When the fishing hooks of separation are pulled, you need to quickly repeat this phrase and immediately remember its negative features. For example, if her name was Hannah:
Frowning too often Apathetic in business. Never apologized. There was no flashy sex. Aggressive towards my friends.
3. Cry - you feel better. At the beginning of the gap, be sure to allow yourself to grieve and sob to your heart's content. Tears are wonderful for relieving tension in the limbic system. Then walk around the house, check the computer and desk, collect photos, souvenirs, knick-knacks and hide them. You don't need to destroy them right away, because you never know what will happen in the future. If you make peace, you will be very sorry for your act. Time will tell. After a few months, you will be able to make a more balanced decision about whether to keep things that remind you of a previous relationship. But for now, just hide them.
4. Love must be persistent. When you act pathetic and weak at parting, you push the other person even further away because weakness is unattractive. In this case, you are acting like a victim. Keep yourself in control - not for the sake of revenge, but for your own sake, for the sake of continuing your life.
5. Try this technique. Byron Katie and her husband Stephen Mitchell wrote the wonderfully wise book Loving What Is. In it, she suggests asking yourself four questions in difficult situations. When I was going through a breakup, this technique helped me get back to my usual happy frame of mind. I learned that every time I start to struggle with reality, I act like a madman. Kate suggests looking at the thought that causes pain (such as "I miss her") and asking yourself questions like these.
Question N21: Is it true? Is it really true?(Do I really miss her terribly?)
Question #2: Is this really absolutely true?(- No. Not absolutely! I don't miss her indecisiveness, her outbursts and her indifference to certain things.)
Question #3: How do I feel when this thought occurs to me?(“I miss her”)? (- Unhappy, full of remorse, stupid, ashamed. So it is my thoughts that torment me.)
Question #4: What would I be without this thought?(- I would be happy with life and myself again.) Katie says that the thought should then be reversed, and "I miss her" becomes "I miss the old me." I miss my healthy, cheerful, happy, sleep-free, successful and energetic self.
These four questions and the flip of a thought can literally change your life. I have seen the technique work on my patients as well.
A. Gulenkov "Chemistry of love"
Helen Fisher Why We Love. The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love"
Larry Young, Brian Alexander Chemistry of Love. A Scientific Perspective on Love, Sex and Attraction.
Often people ask themselves a question and cannot give an answer: what attracts a man and a woman to each other, why do we like one woman (man) again and again, and the other (another) does not cause any feelings?
What exactly is there in a woman that makes the heart of a man in love with her tremble? Why does a fire ignite in the soul, and in the case of unrequited feelings, its consequences are very slow and difficult to overcome?
What is the main thing in attracting people
Well, those "external" signs did spark his initial interest, but the feeling that in love they weren't responsible. In addition, these things depend on the personal taste of each person, and tastes, as you know, differ markedly.
Why is this man in love with you? And why does it remain in this state for a long time? Before you get a list of your "good qualities" in your head, let's take a deeper look at the situation.
Let's try to answer the main question:
Why do people feel attracted to other people?
Can we really show interest in another person just because they have a lot of “positive qualities? Or is there something else much more important that causes attraction to a person?
Briefly. Think about your best friend and you will find that he has some qualities that annoy you: loud shrill laughter, chronic tardiness and so on. It scares you, repels you, you perceive it on your nerves. But for your acquaintances, this does not prevent you from loving each other.
As you can see, a person's "good qualities" are not decisive for the quality of the relationship you have with them. On the contrary, you can say that the more you are willing to tolerate the "bad qualities" of another person, the more you love him. And it's inexplicable.
Often a man (woman) falls in love because SHE (HE) falls in love with you! This gives the feeling that this person is special, special and meant only for you.
Once, on one of the foreign tourist trips, after a busy day with cultural events, part of the group gathered at the table with a bottle of wine. We sat and discussed what we saw during the day. Among us was a man, as it turned out later, my fellow countryman, of a rather ascetic appearance, from whom they constantly listened to either sarcastic humor or ironic remarks. Suddenly, one of the women unexpectedly and somehow very expressively turned to him: “Oh, this is really funny!” She said it with spontaneous enthusiasm in her voice and looked at him with admiration.
How to become the woman of his dreams
A few months later, we ran into this man by chance and he said to me with a twinkle in his eye, “Do you remember that woman at the table? Wow, that was really great. She was something special!” (He was married, so there was nothing between them). But what were the "positive features" of that woman that, months later, he raves about her? And no features! This woman easily fulfilled his basic needs at that moment: she gave him the feeling that he was special, that his dry humor was very witty, after which they exchanged a stream of vibes and this was remembered for a long time.
In other words, he was sure that she liked her and now talks about her as if she were his dream woman, and how long he had been looking for her.
The fact is that we are looking all our lives for people who would love us more than themselves. Then mutual feelings arise, then we feel comfortable and satisfied. None of us is born to be an altruistic loner, ready to spend his life in a cave.
Smell
Body language revelations
Body language in attraction
This increases dopamine levels and it clears the way to love. Men and women are attracted to people who seem mysterious to them. It's appealing to feel like you've discovered a hidden treasure to be explored. The neural patterns heighten the excitement because mysterious strangers have the allure of the unknown, the new.
Even if a stranger is annoying, these people belong to the same social group, are equally attractive and intelligent, have similar values, interests, and communication skills. In this regard, one is looking for its mirror image, which is called "assortative mating." The chance of falling in love is greatest among people who are unknown, but have a similar social and intellectual background. In addition, the immune system has a role to play, as it must be different from their own, but compatible with it.
Eye contact
The immune system can smell and perfume covers it. That's why it's important to leave odor-free. From an evolutionary perspective, healthy babies can be born through the right mix of immune systems. Sweet spot: We prefer symmetrical faces and bodies and value them more attractively. In addition, the partner must be well distributed. Balanced male physicists have reproductive advantages, as they have their first intercourse an average of four years ago, have more sexual partners, and are more likely to reach orgasm with them.
something inexplicable
Women try to give the most symmetrical picture of themselves with the help of makeup and make the face more even. By the way, young people are more symmetrical than older ones. What Helen Fisher doesn't mention is "something specific". Why does the spark jump to Him or Her, of course, where there are others that seem to be a better match?
At one time, the founder of modern psychology, Z. Freud, tested in his own practice the assumption that a girl is subconsciously attracted to a man who resembles her own father, and boys are attracted to a girl similar (in psychological terms) to their mother.
The attraction of opposites
love in return
Poets called this state love at first sight, when a guy and a girl, having barely met, feel an unprecedented attraction. Scientists today are investigating this phenomenon and put forward several assumptions about the nature of such feelings.
Men and women are different. It has been scientifically proven that women during their fertile days are particularly strong in regards to masculine attributes such as B. A particular chin is attracted more than otherwise. In general, however, men pay more attention to the appearance of women, while for women, intelligence and status are important attractions, prof.
Attractiveness in choosing a partner. External manifestations play a role in the choice of a helper, but do not completely dominate. It is a certain thing, the character of our colleague, to which we are attracted and which we often cannot put into words. Do you know how to tell when a person is attracted to you through their body language? We are talking to you about the role that bodily expression plays in two-person attraction situations.
The article discusses the most famous of them.
Why a man is attracted to a woman: biology
Smell
According to this theory, each person releases special substances - pheromones. They practically do not smell, but act on the olfactory receptors that send a signal to the brain. He, in turn, unconsciously interprets them as an attractive aroma, and the person becomes interesting as a partner.
Body language revelations
If someone knows how to read body language or is very observant, they will know that this type of communication can convey a lot of conscious and unconscious information about a person. Spoken language is much easier to control, it is more conscious, but what is connected with the body usually eludes control.
Body language in attraction
For this reason, it's important to know what the body language is between two people when one of them is attracted to the other, because who wouldn't want to know if the person you feel interested in is attracted to?
Non-verbal language reveals our closest feelings, less deliberately and truthfully than verbal language, since psychic defenses are usually not as effective over the long term.
Women and men have different types of pheromones, the intensity of which increases during periods of abstinence, good mood, etc.
Eye contact
Another theory suggests that people are attracted to each other by staring. In the animal kingdom, the latter is a signal of danger, awakening a zone in the brain that decides to approach the object or move away. A person perceives this shake-up as a state of love.
Sometimes it's not easy to interpret sign language, but there are some patterns that play a key role in situations of attraction. Eye Contact: Should not be excessive because it can be intimidating, but show interest with little eye play. The way they look also speaks volumes about contact and emotion, just as they claim to expand students to what they like. Smiling is a sign of interest and usually attracts the other person because it shows closeness and happiness. There are many types of smiles, some are inciting and others are tougher, learn to differentiate them! Physical contact: This increases greater closeness to the person we are touching. Soft physical contact, sometimes spontaneous or even unwanted, can be the beginning of something else. When a person crosses his arms over the chest, it may be that he is cold or that he is defending himself unconsciously, this can also give rise to the feeling that he is closed and not ready.
It is important not to take the above as if they were 10 commandments and evaluate everything as a whole.
In favor of this assumption is the study of American scientists, where they offered the subjects to look into the eyes of the interlocutor. At a close look, many noted the emergence of pleasant feelings for the counterpart.
Why is drawn to a person: psychology
At one time, the founder of modern psychology, Z. Freud, tested in his own practice the assumption that a girl is subconsciously attracted to a man who resembles her own father, and boys are attracted to a girl similar (in psychological terms) to their mother.
Physical cues can be conflicting because not everything is cause and effect, and it is important to jointly evaluate the verbal with the non-verbal for a good interpretation. When it comes to body language of attraction, we must distinguish between two important factors: the position of the echo, which is when the other person assumes the same position as one, and the movement of the echo, when the other person copies the movement of one.
Research: Analyzing Body Language of Attraction
These two aspects would be important, as the researchers suggest that individual movements are not important, but movement patterns, as those would be the ones that tell us the story of attraction between two people. There has been a lot of research on body language related to attraction to see what signs it can show.
Source: Fisher, Helen: This is the first delicate, carefree ecstasy. Men only on models and women only on well-trained men? Attractiveness research is a broad field that also includes the billion dollar media, fitness and cosmetics industries. But attractiveness is not the same as beauty, above all, it also includes the main characteristics of a person.
Together we are more beautiful, the researchers found in different experiments. First, the subjects of the study automatically rated the person in the photo with multiple "real" faces on top of each other to be more attractive. On the other hand, the "cheerleader" effect, for example, means that people in a group look more attractive than looking at them individually.
At the same time, people are not able to see this similarity, but intuitively strive to find a partner that matches the parent's psychotype. Not without reason, acquaintances often note how much the bride looks like the groom's mother in her youth.
The attraction of opposites
Another idea explains attraction by the desire to compensate for one's own shortcomings with the virtues of a partner. And having met an object with the necessary qualities, a person experiences tender feelings for him, called the state of being in love.
In this case, we will focus on a study published in the Journal of Nonverbal Behavior that analyzed the behavior of two people who felt mutual attraction, paying particular attention to the body language of both people.
If we focus on the material that was obtained for the analysis of body language, we specifically analyzed the movements of the head, shoulders, arms, arms, torso and legs.
Contrary to what has been seen in previous studies, attraction was predicted by timing patterns rather than simple imitation of body language. From the results, rhythmic structures of synchronous movements were obtained, patterns of body movement that people adopted.
However, in the above studies, attention is usually paid only to external ones. An appeal, however, involves much more. Karl Grammer talks about the nine universal pillars of attractiveness: youth, symmetry, skin and hair condition, movement, smell, voice, height, hormonal markers, and mediocrity.
The smell of our colleague is especially important in terms of attractiveness. First, deodorant or perfume play a crucial role, but your own body odor. Because each body reacts to stress, malnutrition, anxiety and other environmental influences differently, and the skin removes these different substances through the pores.
love in return
Seeing special attention from a man to his person, a woman feels most desirable and perfect for this person. There is an unconscious desire to answer him the same, the girl is drawn to the guy. The result is a mutual feeling. The same is true in the opposite situation: a man falls in love with a lady who adores him.
As with previous studies, this study found that it was this woman who typically initiated and controlled these samples. And, of course, the more interested a woman was in a woman, the more complex were the movement patterns of her body language. So, in conclusion, potential couples prove their compatibility non-verbally by building symphonies of body language, with women being the primary drivers. Given the complexity of this description, it's pretty clear why movement synchrony is never commented on in fashion magazines, although it's probably the closest thing to the truth about how non-verbal attractions are discussed.
The nature of man makes him attractive. However, attractiveness goes beyond Professor Grammer's nine pillars. Although we are easily impressed by outward features, it is above all the essence of a person that makes him seem attractive in general - although sometimes only at first sight. Character, humor, naturalness, charisma are important. But groomed impressions and intelligence are important factors. Intelligence does not mean a classical level of education. Rather, it is an opportunity to have a stimulating and entertaining conversation that speaks to us.
It is impossible to say that this or that theory is the most correct, therefore each of them has the right to exist.
Perhaps our article Why men love women will also help you.
Attention, only TODAY!
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