Longing settles in her, she languishes and is sad. It is impossible to find such a remedy that will help subside the pain. Most likely, the loss of a loved one will never be forgotten, only covered with a touch of time. It is important to know how to survive the death of a loved one in the Orthodox way so that it does not become life-affirming.
Scientific approach
Many people, having lost a loved one, turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist to help them overcome this difficult time in life. And this is completely normal, because often grief becomes the obstacle that not only prevents you from continuing to live a normal life, but also pushes a person to dangerous actions.
Mourning in a person's life
Psychologist Erich Lindemann, back in the century before last, identified the symptoms of natural grief, which is normal for every person who has experienced a loss. It has several symptoms, which can appear singly or several at once:
- Physical - tears, sobs, fainting, heart attacks and so on. In addition, emptiness in the stomach, chest, general weakness and breathing problems may be felt. Often a person becomes indifferent or vice versa, extremely irritable and sensitive.
- Behavioral - interrupted speech, confusion of speech and consciousness, changes in the manner of speech. Apathy begins, lack of appetite, self-confidence is lost, a person becomes amorphous.
- Emotional - the first manifestation of anger at what happened, the person begins to look for someone to blame. Later, anger develops into depression, and then there is a feeling of guilt towards the deceased.
- Fear and anxiety about their own future may also appear. If you do not turn to a specialist in time, then you can allow the transformation of these “normal” symptoms into destructive ones.
Also, there is a scientifically designated time of mourning. Usually this time is experienced by families who have lost a member, and it is divided into several stages:
- A day or two is the first stage, which is characterized by shock and denial. Relatives at first do not believe the report of the loss, they begin to look for confirmation, they suspect deception, they literally deny and do not believe in what happened. Some people may stay at this stage forever and never accept the loss, they continue to keep things, environment and the myth that a person is alive.
- The first week is the exhaustion of everyone, since funerals and commemorations usually take place at this time. The family still cannot fully comprehend what is happening and often people move and do things purely mechanically.
- Second to fifth week - family members return to their weekday routine. Work, study, usual things begin. Now the loss is felt extremely sharply, because there is less support than at the previous stage. Sadness and anger are acute.
- A month or two is the stage of acute mourning, the end time of which is different for everyone. Usually it takes from 1.5 to 3 months.
- From 3 months to 1 year - the stage of mourning, which is characterized by a feeling of helplessness and apathy.
- Anniversary is the last stage, which, as it were, completes the cycle of mourning. It is accompanied by a commemoration, a trip to the cemetery, ordering a funeral service and other rituals that help to remember the deceased and honor his memory.
About the afterlife:
The main problem today is the fear of death. People are afraid of dying or losing someone close to them. The ancestors of the modern Orthodox believer were brought up in atheism and do not have a correct concept of death, so many of them cannot cope with grief when it comes.
Orthodox Church advice after the loss of loved ones
For example, a person can constantly sit on the grave of the deceased or even spend the night there, he retains all things and the situation as it was during the life of the deceased. This has a devastating effect on a person and is due to the fact that a person does not understand what happened and how to live with it.
Superstitions are layered on this misunderstanding and acute problems arise, often of a suicidal nature. Birth, life and death are links in one chain and this fact cannot be ignored.
Important! It is necessary to realize as early as possible that death is inevitable. And only by accepting it a person will be able to cope with the loss and not get a neurosis.
All superstitions must be removed from oneself. Orthodoxy has nothing to do with hanging mirrors or leaving a glass of vodka on the grave of the deceased. These superstitions are invented by people who have been to the temple a couple of times in their lives and are trying to turn death into a kind of performance in which every action has a sacred meaning. In fact, death has only one meaning - it is the transition from worldly life on Earth to eternity. And it is important to think in advance where a person will spend this eternity in order to review his entire worldly life.
It is impossible to draw any conclusions and look for the cause of what happened, all the more so it is impossible to say such things to those who are grieving. It cannot be said that God took the child because of the sins of the parents or took away the mother because the child behaved wrong. These words can injure a person and forever turn him away from the church.
If you lost your mother
Mother is an important person in everyone's life. It is important to understand that for Christians, death is a temporary separation, after which there will be a long-awaited meeting with loved ones. Therefore, when the time comes for a person, he goes to the Heavenly Father and there he will meet his loved ones.
Having lost mother on this earth, one should remember that she did not disappear, but only moved to another part of her journey, completing her mission here. And now she will take care of her children from heaven and intercede before God for them.
Advice! The best way to cope with this loss is to spend more time in the temple and in home prayers. It is necessary to order a commemoration in the liturgy, a memorial service in order to properly honor the deceased parent, as well as distribute alms so that people pray for him as well.
How to deal with the death of a loved one?
If you lost your husband
The wife left alone goes through all the stages of grief that all mourners go through. However, it is important for her to remember that she was not left alone - her loving Lord is with her and He will help her survive all the difficulties and trials.
Do not despair, it should be understood that the Lord does not give beyond strength and always helps in those trials that he sends.
If there are children left in the family, then the widow must get together and return to a normal life for their sake, in order to help them overcome this loss. Usually, the family returns to normal within one year, so the widow will have to take on the dual role of mom and dad so that their children can overcome the loss and live a normal life.
How to help a loved one deal with grief
It is very important for a person and the whole family to have someone who will help them overcome all stages of grief and return to normal life, accepting and surviving the loss of a loved one.
Prayers for the Lost:
- Prayer to the holy Archangel Michael for deceased relatives
What does it mean to help a family through grief? First of all, this means going through all these stages of grief with them. As the apostle Paul said, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep" (Rom. 12:15).
Each stage of grief has its own symptoms, so it is important to monitor the behavior of the grieving person and prevent him from becoming obsessed or committing a dangerous and emotional act. It is important to help the family or individual find a way to help them cope with the loss.
In addition, it is important to monitor a person and help him move from the stage of longing and mourning to sadness and a normal life. It is important to ensure that he eats on time, sleeps enough, rests and releases his longing. People often forget about themselves in their grief, families begin to collapse due to the constant stress in which they keep themselves.
Important! Helpers should gently guide the grieving from destruction to creation, to God and help them come to terms with the loss.
Archpriest Dmitry Smirnov. How to deal with the death of loved ones
A loved one died. Funerals, commemorations have passed ... And now the relatives and friends who supported and helped all this time are gradually returning to normal life, to their own affairs. Attention and care for you on their part is becoming less and less ...
And you? You still bear the brunt of the loss, grieve, and do not understand how they can continue to live when such a misfortune happened. You miss the loved one who left you, and it seems that this terrible grief will never end, and the lack of attention and care exacerbates your feelings.
If you have already begun to ask yourself these questions, it means that you understand that you need to change something in your attitude to life with a loss, that you need to adapt to a new social and emotional situation of life loss for you.
And now the epigraph to this article becomes relevant for you. In this context, this phrase does not mean that you should “pull yourself out of the water yourself” - forget the deceased, pretend that nothing happened. On the contrary, you must "learn to swim" and be able to take "precautions on the water", i.e. do everything to live your situation of grief with the least bodily and emotional disturbances.
There are no universal recipes for this, everyone has their own, unique grief and their own, unique situation in the family and in society.
Nevertheless, I will try to give some tips that, I hope, will help at some points in this difficult life period.
Try to realize in what aspects of life you have become the most vulnerable- Is it a domestic sphere, emotional, perhaps professional? When you understand where "the biggest hole is punched", it will be easier to close it. And, as a small child gradually learns to walk, try to gradually learn to independently receive what you used to receive with the help of the deceased.
It can be purely everyday skills. For example, a woman who has lost her husband, who did everything around the house, can learn to do something herself, or can find a household service that will help maintain comfort at home at the usual level. A man who has lost his wife can study the instructions for household appliances (washing machine, modern smart stove, microwave oven) and provide himself with the same level of life. Someone has to learn how to cook. Some people need to learn how to make decisions. This is especially difficult if the deceased person used to decide almost everything for you. Remember that you do not need to strive to make a decision instantly. Do not hesitate to consult with people who are authoritative in this matter, you may need the help of a specialist in a particular area. In the first time after the death of a loved one, try to generally postpone the solution of global issues (buying / selling real estate, moving, etc.) for some time.
Harder with emotional gaps. The emotional sphere is the first thing that needs regulation.
Do not listen to those who advise "strengthen, hold on, take courage ...". Don't store up tears. If you want to cry - cry, if you feel sad - be sad. And do not feel guilty about this before your environment. Tears are a normal physiological response to pain, in this case, mental pain. Tears are emotional release. After crying, a person may feel exhausted, overwhelmed and devastated, but it becomes easier for him. Remember that you have the right to express your feelings. And you don't have to justify yourself to others. Only to small children you should explain that your emotions are not caused by their behavior, but by grief for the deceased. Adults usually understand this. If you hold back tears, the child may try to copy your behavior without understanding its reasons, and subsequently will hold back any of his emotions. Just like yourself, let the child cry for the dead if he wants to. Comfort him, talk to him, help him live through these emotions.
Think about who you can talk to about the person who left you. If there is no such person in your environment, use the modern possibilities of psychological support, helplines, psychological assistance services. The main thing is to speak. About loss, about loneliness, about feelings, about fears… Do not be shy to seem like a weak person, grief turns everyone into little helpless children for a while. Talk about the dead with God. A prayer for the dead is your real help to the soul of the departed.
But do not try to talk to the deceased, physically he is no longer around. Do not turn to the occult, do not listen to everyone who tries to tell you about superstitions, signs and so on. If you are a believer, you already know what happened (see sections "There is life after death!" and "How the soul lives after death"). If you do not believe in God, then death for you is the end of physical existence, then all the more there is no point in performing superstitious rituals.
Keeping a diary helps many to soften acute emotions. Write about your thoughts, feelings, about your pain of loss. Make it a rule to re-read what you have written after a while, and then try to analyze what has changed over this period of time? Which feelings have become sharper, which, on the contrary, are gone? What have you learned? Such introspection will reveal to you your strengths and weaknesses. In the future, rely on what you are strong in, look for sources of support in those aspects where you are not confident in yourself.
Another way is to write a letter to the deceased. Even if death was not sudden, there is always a lot of unspoken, unspoken. Write. You need it, not him. If you haven't said something important, you have the opportunity to say it now. Use it. Don't be afraid to look funny because there is nowhere to send the letter, you can just burn it. It is important that the letter will help you free yourself from the burden of inconsistencies that you carry by entrusting it to paper.
If you do not like to write, but emotions and memories overwhelm - try this method. Place two jars side by side. Prepare a number of small multi-colored balls and small pieces of paper. When you remember the deceased kind and good - drop one ball into the jar. This will be your memory bank. If you remember some bleak incident, resentment, quarrel - write on a piece of paper - what you remembered, literally one or two words, roll the sheet into a ball and put it in another jar. It will be a bank of your grievances. How long you will do this is up to you. When you realize that most of the warm and kind memories are already "lying" in the memory bank - close it and put it where you see fit. All the bright memories are now before your eyes. See how many there are. When no new grievances are remembered - select a day (perhaps it will be some date associated with the deceased) and burn paper balls - your grievances.
Feelings of guilt before the deceased deserve special consideration.. The main thing - do not allow yourself to cultivate a sense of guilt, it acts destructively.
Another strong feeling that can accompany loss is fear.. Night or day, alone or in a crowd, fear comes unexpectedly and literally paralyzes you. What to do in such a situation?
It is important to understand that your fear is not the fear of an adult in a real dangerous situation, but rather a "childish" reaction to the unknown surrounding you after the death of a loved one.
I propose a small exercise to regain your "adult" state, to stay "here and now", in reality.
When you feel fear - first look around, if there is really no immediate threat to your life and health, select 5 colors of objects that surround you. What color is the ceiling? Floor? Armchair? Curtains? Your clothes? (Look at any objects, but you should not just "recognize" the color by smearing it with your eyes, but identify it, perhaps name it out loud). If fear creeps up at night, don't imagine that the ceiling is white (this is not your feeling of "here and now", this is knowledge), at night it looks gray, like all other things, so either turn on the light or distinguish the intensity of shades of gray in those around you things.
Now sounds. 5 sounds - a clock, a bird, a car outside the window, a TV .... anything, but there should also be 5 sounds. In the silence of the night, this can be the sound of your breathing, heartbeat, rustling of a blanket, wind in the foliage outside the window, noise water in the pipes ... Listen carefully, each sound also needs to be distinguished and named.
Then listen to the sensation of your own body. Are your hands where they are, warm or cold, dry or wet with sweat? Legs are the same. Nape and neck area. Back. The abdomen and groin. Feel all these parts of your body. Carefully, slowly. Then look around again.
For visually and hearing impaired people, color or sound discrimination can be replaced by tactile sensations of objects. Touch what is near you. Highlight 5 different sensations - wool carpet, cool wood furniture, soft upholstery, paper wallpaper ... Try to distinguish the subtle smells emitted by these items.
Usually this exercise returns a sense of reality with irrational fears.
Be natural in grief. Don't let others force certain behaviors on you. At the same time, do not refuse the help of loved ones if it helps you. Trust your family and listen to yourself at the same time.
Be patient. No one can say how long you will experience the pain of loss. Grief is like a surf - it will recede, then it will surge with renewed vigor. Holidays and family dates are especially difficult. For many years, the pain of loss can appear on the birthday of the deceased, on the anniversary of death, on New Year's or Christmas. Don't hide from your feelings. Unleash your memories, order a memorial service in the temple, pray at home, visit the cemetery. Even in a situation where one of the spouses has died and the other has a new family, do not be shy about it. The deceased is part of your life. A person who loves you should understand and respect your feelings. This is not treason, this is a tribute.
Now a little about the physiological aspects of grief. Today, everyone knows about the connection between the emotional and somatic (bodily) sides. A deep experience of grief can cause diseases of the body. Grief manifests itself in the appearance of a person. Grieving muscularly clamped, tense, unable to relax. Such tension can cause sleep disturbance, which, in turn, leads to respiratory disorders, pressure surges, and heart disease. If you feel muscle cramps, ask someone to massage you (usually the neck area suffers first), or contact a massage therapist. Perhaps someone will be helped by relaxing to the sounds of nature (you can download some of them in mp3 format on the Internet). Be attentive to your condition while listening, if instead of relaxing you feel that, on the contrary, grief “rolls”, or sounds awaken painful memories in you, stop listening immediately. If you have previously had experience in body relaxation, then you can return to it now, if not, it is better not to start without the help of a specialist.
Don't ignore your body's needs. Try, if possible, to follow the usual daily routine. Don't skip meals, even if you don't feel like it - a small meal will help you support yourself. You need quite a bit, at least an apple, a glass of kefir or milk. Do not rush to the other extreme - "do not seize" grief. If the bouts of hunger are uncontrollable, try to understand - do you really want to eat, or just need comfort in such a way as in childhood: "Don't cry, hold the candy"? If so, it's a lack of emotional support, look for it from relatives, friends, or professionals, and not overweight.
The second vital need that needs to be satisfied is the need for sleep. Take a cool shower before bed, don't watch TV, try to relax as much as possible in bed. If you are unable to establish normal sleep on your own, consult a doctor for medical support. But remember that drugs alleviate your condition, but do not eliminate the cause. Therefore, you seem to “freeze” yourself in a state of grief, prolonging the period of mourning. And, of course, you should not seek solace in alcohol.
Another important aspect is the pace of your life. It is possible that during the period of grief you will not be able to perform all the functions that you easily coped with before. It's OK. If there is an opportunity to transfer them to someone - do it. Allow yourself to reduce stress, remember that the stress you are experiencing negatively affects all areas of your life. Get more rest. Evaluate what kind of rest is better for you - active or passive? Do not be afraid to show weakness and do not feel guilty about it, when you can - you will return to the usual rhythm of life. For now, just take care of yourself.
Time passes, and what seemed insurmountable yesterday is overcome. Emotions that did not allow breathing weaken, are replaced by others. The feeling of loss does not go away, you will always miss a dead person, just a sharp pain will be replaced by sadness and sad memories, and then these memories will become bright. It means that you have gone through the most difficult period.
Surviving grief does not mean forgetting. Surviving means learning to fully live after a loss.
Our culture does not teach condolences. Therefore, immediately after the tragic events, you will hear many times from others that you need to hold on. But it is normal to be sad, worry and suffer in this situation.
We are all different. That is why even in the materials about the reaction of schoolchildren on the mountain they write that some children will ask for care, others will get angry, others will eat, fourths will cry, fifths will fall into a stupor. The psyche copes (and does not cope) with the load in different ways.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
2. Allow yourself to experience in a way that suits you.
You probably have a template in your head for how a person should behave during tragic events. And it may not match exactly how you feel.
Trying to fit yourself into the idea of what you are supposed to experience will add guilt to the grief and make it even more difficult to get over the situation. So allow yourself to suffer naturally, not living up to someone else's (including your own) expectations.
3. Look for support in advance
There are days that will be especially difficult: birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates associated with the departed person. And it is better to take care of creating an environment in which it will be a little easier for you to survive this time.
According to Adriana Imzh, it is important to remember that, despite some existing calendar (9 days, 40 days, a year), each person experiences time in his own way: someone is able to face grief only after a few months, when the shock lets go, and someone by the same time is already in order.
If grief lasts for several years, this means that the person is “stuck” in experiences. In a sense, it's easier this way - to die with the one you loved, to stop your world with him. But he probably didn't want that for you.
And of course, even those who are trying to live on have difficult days: when something was remembered, there was a flashback, or just “inspired by music”. Crying, mourning, remembering is normal if your whole life does not consist of this.
In difficult situations, ask for support from a friend or lock yourself in a room with a photo album and handkerchiefs, go to the cemetery, wrap yourself in your loved one's favorite T-shirt, sort through his gifts, take a walk where you liked to walk with him. Choose those ways to cope with, after which it becomes easier for you.
4. Limit bad contacts
In an already difficult time, you will most likely have to communicate with different people: distant relatives, family friends and so on. And not all of them will be pleasant.
Limit unwanted contacts so as not to add negative emotions to yourself. Sometimes it's better to communicate with a stranger on the Web than with a second cousin, simply because he understands you, but she does not.
But, according to Adriana Imzh, it's still worth accepting condolences, because in our culture this is just a way to give you space to grieve.
Yes, these people may not experience loss the way you do. But they understand that you are sad. They acknowledge that the person has died, and this is important. It's better than when no one cares and you're not allowed to experience your emotions.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
5. Don't be surprised by your fears and worries
We know that we are mortal. But the loss of a loved one usually sharpens the awareness that it can happen to anyone. Sometimes this leads to numbness, increases the fear of death, the understanding of the meaninglessness of being, or, conversely, causes an excruciating thirst for life, sex, food or adventure. There may be a feeling that you are living the wrong way, and the desire is all.
Give yourself time before doing anything. In therapy, this is called the 48-hour rule, but in the case of a severe loss, the wait can be longer.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
Most likely, the idea to shave your head, leave your family and go freelance to the Seychelles is not the only one. Let her settle, and then act if the desire is not lost. Perhaps in a couple of days it will change a little.
6. Drink less alcohol
Sometimes alcohol seems to be the solution to all problems. But getting drunk and forgetting is a short-term way to deal with them. - a powerful depressant that negatively affects the central nervous system.
People who drink alcohol are less able to cope with stress and make more destructive decisions. It is also important to remember that sugar (it is found in both sweets and alcohol) increases the experience of stress, so it is better to refrain from consuming it.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
7. Take care of your health
Grief is already exhausting, do not aggravate the situation. Eat regularly and walk, try to sleep about eight hours a day, drink water, breathe - very often in grief a person forgets to exhale. Do not add stress to the body by waving a hand at health.
8. Consult a psychologist
If you can’t survive the situation on your own and it doesn’t get easier for you for a long time, find a specialist. will help you find out what exactly is preventing you from getting out of a depressed state, expressing your feelings, saying goodbye to your loved one and just being with you in this difficult situation.
9. Don't be ashamed to keep living
A person close to you has died, and you continue to live, and this is normal. Quite often we have a false sense of injustice: died too young, died before me, died because of nonsense.
But the truth is that death is part of life. We all come to die, and no one knows how long and how he will live. Someone left, someone stayed to keep the memory of the departed.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
It can be difficult to lead a habitual way of life and re-learn to smile, rejoice. Don't rush yourself if you can't do it yet. But it is in this direction that we must move, Adriana Imzh believes.
Not only because the one you lost would probably want it. But also because this is what makes any life, including the life of a departed person, important: we honor his memory, respect his path, and do not make a weapon of self-destruction out of his death.
How to deal with the bereavement of a loved one? And are there ways to forget about the grief that happened and return to normal life? Many people ask this question because they want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But one cannot do without valuable recommendations from experienced psychologists.
It is unlikely that there will be a person on this planet who wants grief, troubles, problems to be present in his life. But, alas, fate does not bypass anyone and it has everything - joy, sadness, fun, and grief.
A person who has not survived a single black day in his life is a real lucky one. Of course, there are such types for whom troubles, problems and the loss of loved ones are an empty phrase. But, fortunately, there are a small number of those among us. Most likely, they have, because otherwise their position is simply impossible to explain. Even the most terrible tyrants of the planet were afraid that something might happen to their loved ones and relatives. And if this happened, they suffered just as much as all ordinary people.
Experiencing a terrible moment, everyone behaves differently. Some suffer greatly, ready to take their own lives. The other endures the ups and downs of fate and tries to survive no matter what. The first is in dire need of psychological help. After all, it is not in vain that after the crash of planes, ships, major car accidents and other tragedies, experienced psychotherapists and psychologists come to relatives and friends of the missing, the dead.
Simply without them, a person does not know what to do with his grief. He is detached, only one thing sounds in his head: “How to live on?”, “This is the end of everything!” and other dramatic phrases. Specialists in human psychology may not always be around. Therefore, we invite our readers to study how a person experiences suffering and how he can be helped.
Symptoms of human grief
When someone leaves us and goes to another world, we mourn and mourn the loss. There is a feeling that it makes no sense to live on, or that something important, irreplaceable has gone without the presence of the dearly departed for us. Someone suffers for several days, other weeks, third months.
But there is a loss that is mourned for a lifetime. And the well-known saying “Time heals!” not always appropriate. How can a wound heal from the loss of a child, a loved one, a brother, a sister? It's impossible! It seems to tighten a little on top, but continues to bleed inside.
But grief also has its own peculiarities. It all depends on the type of character of a person, his psyche, the quality of relations with those who left this world. After all, we have repeatedly noticed a strange phenomenon. A woman's child dies, and she runs around the markets, buys products in order to arrange a wake, goes to the cemetery, picks up a place, etc. It feels like this moment is the same as the others - when you had to organize an event. The only difference is that she is wearing a black headscarf and is sad.
But do not immediately accuse such women of "thick-skinned." Psychologists have a term "delayed, delayed grief." That is, some people it overtakes not immediately. To understand how human grief manifests itself, let's study its symptoms:
- A sharp change in the state of the psyche - a person is absorbed in the image of the deceased. He moves away from others, feels himself in unreality, the speed of emotional reaction increases. In short, this is an alienated, poorly thinking and constantly thinking about the departed person.
- physical problems. There is exhaustion of strength, it is difficult to get up, walk, breathe, the sufferer constantly sighs, he has no appetite.
- Feeling guilty. When a loved one leaves, suffering after him, he constantly thinks about what he could have saved, did not do everything that was in his power, was inattentive to him, rude, etc. He constantly analyzes his actions and looks for confirmation that there was an opportunity to bypass death.
- Hostility. When a loved one is lost, a person can become angry. He does not tolerate society, does not want to see anyone, answers questions rudely, impudently. He can even lash out at children who pester with questions. Of course, this is wrong, but it is not worth judging him. Therefore, it is important that at such moments relatives are nearby and help to cope with household chores and children.
- Habitual behavior is changing. If earlier a person was calm, collected, then at the moment of difficulties he can start to fuss, do everything wrong, disorganized, talk a lot, or vice versa, constantly be silent.
- Adopted manner. After the death of a long-sick person, his relatives, especially those who were at the bedside of the deceased, adopt his character traits, habits, movements, up to the symptoms.
- With the loss of a person dear to the heart, everything changes. The colors of life, nature, the world from bright and colorful turn into gray, black tones. The psychological atmosphere, the space in which there is no deceased, becomes small, insignificant. No one wants to hear or see. After all, no one around understands what really happened for the sufferer. Everyone tries to calm, distract, gives advice. There is simply not enough strength to fight everything.
- Also, at the moment of suffering, the psychological time space is compressed. It is impossible to think about what will happen in the future. In normal times, we draw pictures in our minds that we expect from the future. And in such difficult moments, they simply do not arise, and if thoughts about the past come, then the one who was lost necessarily appears in them. As for the present time, the sufferer does not think about it - it simply does not make sense. Rather, it is a black moment, which you don’t want to remember. The only thing a person desires in moments of grief is “I would rather wake up from this nightmare. It feels like I'm having a terrible dream."
In cases where the loss of a spouse occurs, the man left alone goes into his own world and he does not have the slightest desire to communicate with neighbors, friends, friends. In his heart, he believes that no one is able to understand what the power of loss is. Men are taught from childhood to be restrained, not to show their emotions. Therefore, he rushes about, cannot find a place for himself. Most often, in such situations, the stronger sex plunges headlong into work, and in such a way that there is no “trace” left of free time.
Women who have lost their husbands grieve and suffer. They literally have a wet pillow, because there is no longer the one whom they loved, with whom they shared both joy and sadness. She remains without support - how to continue to live, who will be my support. And if it is also a family with children, then a woman goes into a real panic - “the breadwinner left, how can I raise the children now? What to feed them? What to wear? Etc.
Stages of grief
When loss comes, we experience shock. Even if the deceased was ill for a long time, was very old, we still do not agree in our hearts with his departure. And this is explained very simply.
None of us still understands the nature of death. After all, each of us asked the question “Why are we born, if in any case we die? And why is death present if a person could continue to enjoy life? We are even more frightened by the fear of death - no one has ever returned from there and told us what death is, what a person feels at the moment of leaving for another world, what awaits him there.
So, initially we experience a shock, then, realizing that a person has died, we still cannot come to terms with it. But this does not mean that we are unable to do anything. We have already talked about the fact that some quite calmly organize a funeral, a commemoration. And from the outside it seems that the person is very persistent and has a strong will. In fact, he is in a state of stupor. There is confusion in his head and he does not know what is happening around and how to accept what has happened.
- In psychology, there is a term "depersonalization". Some, in moments of loss, seem to renounce themselves and look at what is happening as if from the outside. A person does not feel his personality, and everything that happens around him does not concern him, and in general, all this is unreal.
- Some people immediately cry and sob when grief sets in. This can last up to a week, but then they realize what really happened. Here panic attacks come into play, which are difficult to cope with - you need a psychologist, the help of relatives.
As a rule, the acute feeling of loss, grief lasts from about five weeks to three months, and for some, as we already know, grief becomes a companion for their lives. As for the majority who experience grief for several months, they experience the following phenomena:
Longing, strong cravings and constant thoughts about the deceased, all this is accompanied by tears. Almost everyone who mourns the loss has dreams in which the dead person necessarily appears. In wakefulness, visual fragments often appear in thoughts in which the deceased says something, does something, laughs, jokes. Initially, the sufferer constantly cries, but over time, the suffering gradually disappears and calms down.
Faith in the non-existent. A frequent companion of moments of grief experience are illusions created by the sufferer himself. A window that suddenly opens, noise, a photo frame that has fallen due to a draft, and other phenomena are perceived as signs and it is often said that the deceased is walking, does not want to “leave”.
The whole reason is that most do not want to "let go" of the deceased and hope to keep in touch with him. The belief that the deceased is still nearby is so strong that auditory and visual hallucinations occur. It seems that the deceased said something, went into another room, and even turned on the stove. Often people begin to talk with the object of their suffering imagination, they ask something and it seems to them that the dead person answers them.
Depression. In almost half of those who have lost a loved one, dear to the heart and soul of a person, a common symptomatic triad occurs: mood is suppressed, sleep is disturbed, and tearfulness sets in. They can sometimes be joined by such symptoms as a sharp and severe weight loss, fatigue, anxiety, fear, indecision, meaninglessness of being, a complete loss of interest, a strong sense of guilt.
That is, all these are signs of a banal one, from which it will be quite difficult to get out yourself. The fact is that a depressive state can occur due to insufficient production of hormones of joy and pleasure. A severe loss can provoke such a condition, then depression occurs, which can be treated with special methods and drugs.
Often, when a very dear and beloved person passes away, someone close may experience strong feelings of anxiety. Loss of the meaning of life and fear of living without the only one. A powerful sense of guilt, a desire to be closer to your beloved (lover) and other moments can lead to thoughts of suicide. Most often, the symptoms are indicative of widows. They suffer for a long time and for six months, their anxieties, fears, grief can triple.
There is a type of people who become very energetic after a bereavement. They are constantly “on their feet”, cooking, cleaning, driving, doing different work. That is, one can say about them "cannot sit still." Some women, after the departure of their husband, can visit his grave every day and call him back. Look at the images, think and remember the old days.
This can last from several months to years. In the cemetery there is always one or more graves with fresh flowers every day. This suggests that the person continues to mourn the departed even after years.
Also, do not be surprised that after the death of a loved one, the sufferer becomes angry. This is especially true for parents who have lost their child. They blame the doctors for everything, get angry with God and claim that their child could have been saved. In this case, you need to be patient and wise, and by about six months after the loss, people calm down and pull themselves together.
Reaction to loss - atypical symptoms
Strange, inappropriate types of reactions are more likely to occur with loss in women. Men are more persistent and reserved. No, this does not mean that they are not worried, they just keep everything “in themselves”. An atypical reaction occurs immediately:
- torpor lasts about 15-20 days, and the general stage of suffering can last more than a year with a severe course;
- pronounced alienation, a person cannot work and constantly thinks about suicide. There is no way to accept the loss and come to terms with it;
- a powerful sense of guilt and incredible hostility to everyone around “sits” in a person. Hypochondria similar to that of the deceased may develop. With an atypical reaction, the risk of suicide within a year after the loss can increase two and a half times. It is especially necessary to be close to the suffering on the anniversary of death. There is also a high risk of death from somatic diseases within six months after the death of a person.
Atypical symptoms of grief also include a delayed reaction to a sad event. Complete denial that the person died, the imaginary absence of suffering and experiences.
An atypical reaction does not occur just like that and it is due to the characteristics of the human psyche and circumstances such as:
- The death of a loved one came suddenly, because it was not expected.
- The sufferer did not have the opportunity to say goodbye to the deceased in order to fully express his grief.
- Relations with another person who had gone into the world were difficult, hostile, and sharp.
- Death touched the child.
- A suffering person has already suffered a severe loss, and most likely a sad event happened in childhood.
- There is no support when there are no relatives nearby, who can lend a shoulder, distract a little and even help physically with organizing a funeral, etc.
How to survive grief
Immediately you need to decide - you or your loved one experienced grief, and if misfortune touched you, then evaluate your condition. Yes, the death of a dear person is the worst thing that can happen in this life, but you still need to live on, no matter how trite it may sound. "Why? What's the point?". This question is asked by those who have lost their own child, loved one, loved one. Here, most likely, the following moment will help.
We all believe in God. And even those who consider themselves an atheist still hope in their hearts that there are higher forces, thanks to which life began on the planet. So, according to the Bible (and it does not teach anything bad, it contains a lot of useful information), people go to heaven or hell. But even if he has many mortal sins, after his death, he goes through the stages of purification and still ends up in paradise as a result.
That is, everything suggests that death is not the end, but rather the beginning. Therefore, it is important to pull yourself together and live. Go to church, because the Lord does not wish bad for anyone. Pray, ask for help, ask for it sincerely - and you will be shocked by what begins to happen in your soul.
Don't be alone. So you will suffer much less. Chat with friends. It will be difficult at first, but over time everything will go back to normal. Communicating with those who have also experienced a loss is especially effective. You will be given useful advice on what to do, how to behave, where to go, what to visit, read, watch, so that the pain goes away little by little. You will understand that all the moments that you had after the loss - a strong sense of guilt, a desire to part with life, hatred of others are inherent in other people, you are no exception.
Traditional Treatments
And now to practical advice. In the event that a person has a serious form of an atypical reaction, it is necessary to consult a specialist. This will require both cognitive-behavioral therapy and medication - sedatives, antidepressants, etc. Thanks to the sessions of a psychotherapist, the patient goes through the stages of his grief from beginning to end (no matter how difficult it may be). And, in the end, he realizes what happened and comes to terms with it.
Many of us do not want to get rid of the state of grief. Some believe that in this way they remain faithful to the departed, and if they begin to live, they will betray them. This is not true! On the contrary, remember how the one who went to another world treated you. Surely he would be pleased to look at your long suffering. One hundred percent, he (she) would want you to enjoy life and have fun. They simply did not forget about the dead and honored their memory, and if you have mental problems after the death of a loved one, then consult a doctor and recover from pain.
In our suffering, we show our selfishness most of all. And let's think - maybe there is a person next to us who suffers no less than yours, and maybe more. Look around, be close to those with whom you are obliged to share grief. So there will be more of you and it will become much easier to resist problems, bouts of pain, anger, sadness, anger.
For those who witnessed the grief of a person, certain steps also need to be taken, and not to contemplate suffering with indifference.
- Help physically, because funerals, suffering take a lot of strength. Therefore, it is important to help a person put things in order in the house. Buy groceries, walk animals, chat with children, etc.
- The sufferer should not be allowed to be alone, except in exceptional moments. Do all the things with him - let him be distracted.
- Try to take him outside, communicate, but do not be too intrusive. The main thing for you to know is that everything is in order with him physically, but there is no need to talk about moral yet.
- No need to force a person to restrain himself, if tears flow, let him cry.
- If the sufferer becomes numb, give a light slap in the face. He needs to throw out the pain that quietly, silently destroys him from the inside. If this is not done, a powerful nervous breakdown is possible. There were times when in this state a person simply went crazy.
- Change the course of his mood, if he is constantly crying - shout at him, accuse him of what. Remember some nonsense because of which you held a grudge against him. If there are no such memories, invent them. And most importantly - arrange a tantrum, a scandal and partially switch the thoughts of the sufferer to your problems. Then calm down, apologize.
- Talk to him about the one who died. A person needs to speak out, it will be easier for him if someone listens to his memories of the deceased.
- Conversations on any topic should be interesting for you. So, from day to day, first short, then longer moments will arise, at which the sufferer will begin to forget about pain. In time, life will take its toll and grief will be endured.
- When communicating, do not interrupt a friend, now his mental state is important, and not your difficulties and problems.
- Do not take it into your head to be offended if your sad interlocutor suddenly becomes angry or does not want to communicate with you anymore. Here the fault is not in him, but in his wounded psyche. He (she) will have many more moments with sharp mood swings, sadness, longing and unwillingness to see anyone. Be patient and wait a bit, then, after a couple of days, as if nothing had happened, visit a friend again for a fictitious occasion.
The loss of a person is the worst thing that can happen in our life, and no matter how indignant we are about this, no one can change the course of fate. But we can do something else - to remain human even in moments of the strongest grief. Save your "face", continue to adhere to the moral principles and ethics. After all, no one around is to blame for the fact that a tragic event happened to you.
All for now.
Sincerely, Vyacheslav.
