My eldest daughter Lyubasha was in the spotlight for 12 years of her life - and only in the thirteenth year did she have a sister, Sasha. 
Of course, jealousy is present, why dissemble. Lyubasha was not mentally prepared for this - simply because it is impossible to mentally prepare, this is only personal experience. And she also has a transitional age, the denial of everything that is possible. I do not pedal, of course, I defend only what is needed - school affairs, study.
When Maxim and I got married, Lyuba's father was jealous that she would start calling the new person "dad". Maxim, on the other hand, was worried that he would not become an authority for my daughter, he even tried to educate her at first. While we were just talking, he did not particularly take root, but when we began to live together, he considered that he could already somehow show parental authority - completely, in my opinion, in vain. Of course, children cannot immediately accept another person, because all the same, the child’s heart smolders with the hope that mom and dad will get together - and everyone will live together again, as one family. The new man in the mother’s life completely kills this hope, the child has a tragedy, and if this person interferes with some of his own rules, everything only gets worse.
I think that new husbands should not withdraw from their upbringing, but rather they should have the role of creating family traditions - new traditions. To unite everyone, so that everyone has fun and rejoices. How new teams go somewhere on vacation to get to know each other better, make friends - this is called team building. And this same team building is also needed by the new family - and it is best to give all the initiative to the husband. 
While Sasha is very small - she recently turned a year old - she requires maximum of my attention. Therefore, it is clear: now Sasha comes first, then Lyubasha, and then her husband and work. Of course, this offends my husband, but I explain to him that you are an adult, you can cope with this, you must understand this - because it is impossible to explain this to children.
I need to preserve what Lyubasha and I had before, we need to get out somewhere together - not three or four. For example, the last time we went to see Hayao Miyazaki's new cartoon, The Wind Rises. We have loved this director for a long time, Lyubasha was born just when the film "Spirited Away" was released, and since then we have watched all these cartoons together with her. And although the youngest was sick that day, I still decided to leave her for a few hours with a nanny, whom I trust very much, because it is very important to be only with the eldest, go to the cinema, discuss.
In the morning I get up with my eldest daughter and walk her to school. Of course, she can get up on her own, and she goes to school on her own - she is not far from home. But I do this solely because I know that the child needs it: for my mother to cook breakfast, gather food for school, hug, kiss. Even hurry up, slow down while she wakes up - and this is a kind of ritual that has developed over the years. It would be wrong to take all this and end it.
And we also talk a lot: about school, about her friends, relationships at school. This is not gossip, this is discussion. I do not scold her for her grades, I try to explain everything. Until a certain point, I controlled, checked the lessons - especially mathematics, until I realized that the function “I do mathematics myself” in Lyubasha completely atrophied, she began to make very stupid mistakes. Now I have more hope for my daughter - that she will cope.
So to everyone who is building a new family, where children from different marriages grow up, one big piece of advice: be patient. Even after a year or two, the child will not say about your chosen one: “Oh, how cool he is!”. My husband and I both argue and sort things out. Then Lyubasha looks at us and says: "My God, how difficult it is, I'm not sure that I want all this." This lapping has been going on for two years - and it's still going on. 
photo shoot for Antenna magazine
"We immediately liked each other"
Liza, 16 years old: “We study at the same school and often meet there. And so - I come to them every week, or we just go somewhere together, with dad and mom. I used to see Sonya at school, but we didn't know each other. And then we met and immediately liked each other. We are very good friends and often see each other after school or call each other to talk. I also have a brother and a sister on my father's side and a brother on my mother's side with whom I live. We are all very friendly, both parents and children.
Sonya, 13 years old: “We have a very good relationship, close, more like sisters. From the first day we met, we immediately became friends. Liza and I talk about everything: about books, about mutual acquaintances, about everything that comes to mind. Very often Lisa stays with us to spend the night. Once we were left alone with her, my parents stayed at a party, and we began to watch a thriller. It was very scary and great!”
Sonya, 13 years old "Lisa is my closest friend"
Liza, 16 years old “We have a lot of fun together, with Sonya I can talk about everything”
“I tell everyone that Rita is my sister, although in fact she is the daughter of my father's new wife. At first, I didn’t really like that she now lives with us, but then I got used to it, ”says 6-year-old Yulia about her 8-year-old half-sister. “Consolidated” are those who are not related by blood ties, but as a result of a new marriage of parents, they become part of the same family. At first, they may experience conflicting feelings for each other: new circumstances overturn everything that until now seemed unshakable. And the task of adults is to help children cope with a new life situation, to promote the emergence of a real family connection between them, relationships of warmth and mutual support.
Create Relationships
Is true friendship possible between half-siblings? “It occurs only if children spend a lot of time together,” says child psychologist Elena Moskaleva. “The more events and personal stories unite them, the smaller the difference in age, the more brotherly, trusting relationships are established between them.”
Relationships can be trusting, friendly. But also neutral, competitive and avoidant too. Of course, they change over time and are not always mutual. Be that as it may, for each child, the restructuring of the family is a complex process leading to the establishment of new emotional ties.
Pin Roles
What kind of relationship will develop between children depends largely on their interests, on the attention of parents to them, as well as on the family history of each child. The place that the child will take in the new family hierarchy is important: the eldest can suddenly become the middle or the youngest, and vice versa, which often provokes conflict and resentment. As an older sister, 8-year-old Lena always defended the younger Yegor. But when their mother remarried, the stepfather's daughter, 13-year-old Larisa, appeared in the family. So Lena was overthrown from her throne. “Quarrels between girls happened more and more often,” recalls Lena's mother, 47-year-old Natalia. - At some point, I realized that I should secure the role of the older sister of her brother for my daughter. The clear demarcation of territories allowed all of us to breathe a sigh of relief.”
“At the age of 4–5, children get used to a new role more easily,” says Elena Moskaleva. - But for younger schoolchildren and teenagers, changing the status often turns out to be a serious test. Persistent attempts by a stepfather or stepmother to become a new parent increase the negative emotions of a teenager and can cause him to actively reject a new family member. Therefore, adults should start building relationships from a friendly position, and not from subordinating the younger to the older. “This will help children feel trust in the new parent and gradually recognize his authority,” says Elena Moskaleva. “It is important to preserve the system of values that operated in the biological family of the child,” adds Angela Paramonova, a child psychoanalyst. It helps the child to identify himself. It is on family values, as on the foundation, that his sense of security rests. And the new family should in no case cross out the old one from his life.
“We are friends, but we can argue”
Mikha, 9 years old: “We knew each other before, we visited each other. Therefore, when they began to live together, in general, everything was normal at once. It even became more convenient. We play normally, most often board games, Munchkin or Lego. I still play chess, but Misha used to play it before. But we rarely play chess with him. Sometimes we argue about some things. But, in general, we are friends. When people ask me if I have brothers or sisters, I answer that I have two brothers and another cousin.”
Misha, 11 years old: “We are very good friends with Mikha. We play, collect Lego. It’s a little more difficult to communicate with Lesha, but I’m great with Miha. We can tinker all together or think of something else. But we have very little free time. Lots of clubs and activities. If someone offended Mikha, I would, of course, intercede for him. But he is engaged in wrestling, he has an orange belt. So, most likely, he will cope on his own. ”
Deal with jealousy
Competing for the love of their parents, half-siblings stand up for themselves, but at the same time they suffer greatly. Everyone wants to get more love. “The child wages a constant war for the attention of“ his ”parent, and the most heated disputes flare up when comparing a stepfather with a father or a stepmother with a mother,” confirms Elena Moskaleva. “Each of the children believes that his parent is better.” The cause of disagreements between children may be unresolved contradictions between former spouses. “It is easier for children to transfer their internal discord to relations with half-brothers and sisters than to admit that one of the parents is wrong,” says Anzhela Paramonova. “The situation is even more complicated if one of the adults resists too close friendship of his child with new relatives.”
Shadow of incest
It happens that friendly relations between “almost brothers and sisters” turn into something more. It is, of course, about love. “I was 16 and Zhenya 18 when our parents got married,” recalls Maria, 30. - Our sympathy very quickly grew into love. When Zhenya told them that we had been dating for a long time, they were shocked.” Eugene and Maria got married, despite the obvious disapproval of their parents.
Most of our experts consider the love relationship between stepbrother and sister to be incest. And they say that the creation of a new couple by parents leads to a ban on love relationships between children from their past marriages, even despite the absence of biological relationship between them. “Regardless of the age at which children become members of the same family, sexual relations between them are destructive to their personality,” explains Anzhela Paramonova. - Unconscious reasons for such love may be the Oedipus complex, and rivalry with the "new" parent. Jealousy, envy, vindictiveness lead to suffering. Parents should prohibit any manifestation of sexuality between stepchildren.
“Deep love feelings between step-brothers and sisters can only arise when a new marriage of parents falls on the teenage years of children,” says Elena Moskaleva. - They can no longer recognize a stranger as a brother or sister, for them this is just an acquaintance with a peer. The meeting of children becomes a mirror repetition of the love meeting of parents. And since relationships with the opposite sex are the most significant during adolescence, it is extremely easy to fall in love with someone who is nearby. If parents see that love relationships are developing between teenagers, it is necessary to clearly outline the boundaries of what is permitted.
New kids in a new family
The birth of a common child in a new family can be a real test for older children. The feeling of jealousy of the elder in relation to the younger is complicated here by the feeling of belonging to another, “dark” period in the life of the parents. Envy appears - after all, a baby, unlike them, has both a mother and a father at home. Psychotherapist Marcel Rufo advises parents, both "real" and "not real", to find time and discuss the new situation with older children, so that it is easier for them to go through this complex mixture of emotions and see the positive aspects of brotherhood. Marcel Rufo "Brothers and sisters, the disease of love" (U-Factoria, 2006).
Time to get used to each other
Do children in a new family have to be friends? “This is another illusion of many parents,” our experts say. Parents need to realize that the creation of a new family is their desire, which does not necessarily coincide with the desire of children. Therefore, adults should clearly state the rule: everyone should respect the other, and the rest - friendship, affection - as it will. The feeling of belonging to a new family always arises gradually. “The behavior of adults determines how comfortable children will be in new circumstances,” emphasizes family therapist Marcel Rufo. - They should unite them, realizing that the desire to get to know each other better can arise only when the children see each other often. New parents should think about how best to organize vacations, trips, meetings that are completely dedicated to children.
But every child needs his own space and one-on-one communication with his own father or mother. Otherwise, he may have a feeling of loss, loneliness and uselessness in a new family. 16-year-old Marina would not exchange for anything in the world the week that she and her mother spend only together during the holidays: “Do not be like this - ours and no one else's! - days, I would be jealous of her and the new husband, and his daughters.
But even outwardly smooth relations continue to be fragile. Children from different marriages end up together, but do not "merge". And conflicts between them can arise at any time. The coordinated actions of parents and a fair attitude towards children will help build a friendly family and bring children closer to each other. The experience gained together, common successes, the same level of education - all this strengthens the brotherhood of children with different characters, each of whom lived his own life story before meeting their parents.
The calculation of alimony maintenance for children from different marriages raises many questions, both for their legal representatives and payers.
The calculation of alimony for children from one marriage is quite transparent and is based on legal norms. The logic of the document assumes that the content is distributed evenly, regardless of whether children are born in the same marriage or in different ones.
Dear readers! The article talks about typical ways to solve legal issues, but each case is individual. If you want to know how solve exactly your problem- contact a consultant:
APPLICATIONS AND CALLS ARE ACCEPTED 24/7 and 7 days a week.
It's fast and IS FREE!
In practice, things are different. Due to various factors and when using the opportunities provided by the second paragraph of the same article of the Code, the alimony maintenance for children from different marriages is often assigned unequal.
What does the new law say
The state guarantees children maintenance from the parent who has ceased cohabitation with them. According to legal norms, maintenance is an obligation that the parent is subject to until the child reaches. It is also necessary to provide for those children who, regardless of age, are disabled for health reasons.
Amendments in 2019 threaten an even greater burden on alimony payers for children from one or more marriages:
| The first thing that will change is the age of minors in need of maintenance | According to the new amendments, maintenance payments can be extended until the child reaches the age 24 years old. To do this, he must study at a specialized secondary or higher educational institution in full-time department. |
| The second important addition to the family code is housing alimony. | They will be appointed by a court decision if the parent with whom the child was left cannot provide him with housing due to material or other problems. The alimony payer will be entrusted with an additional obligation to create decent living conditions for the child. |
| Changes to Fixed Support Amounts | It is supposed to assign a minimum amount threshold. Most likely, this threshold will be equal to 15000 rubles. |
| The conditions for paying child support for the unemployed will change | Calculations will now be based not on the minimum wage, but on the average for the region. As a result, the amount will increase significantly. |
These amendments to the Family Code are still under discussion. But even now it can be predicted that many of them will soon be included in the new alimony law.
The legislative framework
When considering cases involving alimony for children from different marriages, they are based on three basic documents:
- a set of laws on family affairs - the Family Code;
- a decision explaining the type of income from which the payer is obliged to deduct maintenance to children;
- an order protecting the rights of the payer.
The main law according to which alimony is assigned is the Family Code. It defines the principles for calculating the amount of alimony, the methods and procedure for payment. Based on this set of laws, all legal issues related to the need to increase or decrease payments are resolved. The fifth chapter of the Code is devoted to the provisions on maintenance obligations.
The next document that is used to ensure the fulfillment of alimony obligations is Government Decree No. 841. This decree underlies the assessment of income, which should be the basis for the payment of alimony.
To put it briefly, alimony must be deducted from any income, whether it is permanent or periodic. Alimony is also paid from one-time income from the sale or exchange of property.
Despite the fact that it is the responsibility of the person burdened with alimony to deduct a share of any income, in practice, the collection occurs only from the official salary, since the payers try to hide the rest of the income.
The federal law that determines the income of the payer in favor of children is number 229. The document guarantees the payer the minimum material support necessary to maintain his own standard of living. It is legally prohibited to deduct more than 70% of all income received by the payer as alimony.
What determines child support from different marriages
Legal difficulties in alimony cases do not arise if the spouses separated by mutual agreement, have no claims against each other and agreed on the joint maintenance of the child. If at the same time both agree with, and the minor is provided with a decent standard of living, then often the agreements are not even drawn up, but are oral. Unfortunately, such arrangements are either rare or short-lived.
Often the rivalry between the former wives of one man continues after the dissolution of marriages and is reflected in the maintenance of children.
General formalities
Based on the Family Code, the payment of alimony can be assigned as part of the payer's income, a fixed amount, in a mixed way:
| Share of income of the payer | Formally, when using this form of deduction, alimony should be calculated according to the following scheme:
If there are more children, then half of the payer's earnings are divided by the number of children. There was at the same time one marriage or several does not matter. |
| Fixed amount | the name is nominal, since its value changes periodically. This form of alimony can be chosen by the payer with the voluntary agreement of the parties. A fixed sum of money may be awarded by the court when:
The determination of the amount is calculated based on the share of the minimum wage in the region (SMIC) and the cost of living in the country. With this form of payment, the amount of alimony is periodically indexed, depending on changes in the size of the minimum wage and the cost of the food basket. |
| mixed way |
|
Collection conditions
The law allows you to demand the establishment of maintenance for a minor from the father or mother directly in marriage, after its termination and even when it was not concluded:
| Alimony in marriage | Separate norms of the Family Code allow you to receive maintenance without dissolving the marriage. Most often, such a penalty condition is applied if the marriage exists only on paper, the spouses do not run a common household. But it is possible to determine maintenance payments even if one of the spouses fully entrusts the maintenance of the family or common children to the second, he himself evades these duties. When a man already pays alimony to children from a previous marriage, the official spouse can apply for alimony:
In order to receive alimony in marriage, it is necessary to prove that the one who insists on maintenance is materially in need and is not able to support himself on his own. |
| Alimony without marriage | Parents are responsible for the maintenance of their children, whether they are married or not. It is on this legal norm that the opportunity to apply for alimony is based. In order to be guaranteed alimony from the father, it is necessary to prove legally that the child is his. The easiest way is if the children are recognized as the father and the data on the civil husband is entered in their Birth Certificates. Otherwise, the fact of paternity will have to be proven in court. Will need evidence of cohabitation, witnesses family relations. Documents that can confirm the relationship of children with parents in a lawsuit in an alimony case:
Genetic testing can help prove paternity. |
| Alimony upon divorce | In the absence of a voluntary settlement agreement on the payment of alimony, you can sue for their determination as soon as the marriage is dissolved and within three subsequent years. The law allows you to claim material maintenance for the entire period. |
| Features of the accrual process |
|
Possible sizes and calculations
You can clearly explain the procedure for calculating maintenance obligations for children born in different marriages using examples that take into account different forms of payments:
| Example No. 1 - allowable share of the payer's salary | The defendant was issued court decisions to pay maintenance for three children from two marriages in the amount of 50% of income. Respondent's income for the current month:
The total income will be: 16780 + 2140 + 10000 = 28920 rubles. The amount payable under maintenance obligations: 28920 x 50% = 14460 rubles. TOTAL: Each child will receive alimony in the amount of: 14460 / 3 = 4820 rubles. |
| Example No. 2 - the share of the payer's salary exceeds 70% | In addition to existing obligations (50% of income), he came with a requirement to deduct a child support share from a third marriage in the amount of 25%. The total income has not changed = 28920 rubles. Moreover, if you fulfill the conditions of all writ of execution, it turns out that it is necessary to deduct 50% of income = 14460 rubles for three children, and 25% of income = 7230 rubles for the fourth child. In total, this will amount to 21,690 rubles, which corresponds to 75% of the payer's income. The law does not allow such actions, so payments will have to be reduced proportionally. The maximum allowable amount for deduction will be: 28920 x 70% = 20244 rubles. The calculation should proceed as follows:
According to this example, debts will accumulate and, if they are not paid, will be collected from other sources of the payer. |
| Example #3 - fixed amount |
|
Number in the family
The more children from different marriages the payer has left, the greater the amount payable:
| Two |
|
| Three |
|
| Four | Four or more children receive maintenance on a parity basis. The more children, the less maintenance they can expect. According to the law, each of four children can receive 1/8, from five - 1/10, from six - 1/12 of the parent's income. |
This is the basic principle of calculations.
The second paragraph of article 81 of the Family Code allows you to make adjustments to the determination of the amount of alimony, which will make the shares of children unequal:
| Cases where an increase in the amount of payments is allowed: |
|
| Cases where a reduction in the amount of payments is allowed: |
|
| When payments stop: |
|
Determining the amount of payments for each child is decided on an individual basis and takes into account many factors, which is why payments for children in different marriages may vary
Arbitrage practice
Judicial practice shows that it is much easier to achieve an increase in child support payments than to reduce the amount with a court decision already made:
| Situation 1 |
|
| Situation 2 |
|
| Situation 3 |
|
When a young couple legalizes a relationship, both partners dream that they have a long and happy life ahead of them. Each of them thinks that they are made for each other, and the child strengthens this bond even more. However, fate always makes its own adjustments, and what seemed impossible to you five years ago has now become your reality. These days, marriages break up with an enviable frequency, and many parents are forced to raise children from different relationships. You will never think of it as a problem until quarrels and scandals become a part of your daily life. Let's talk about how children from different marriages interact with each other, as well as why others are too curious.
Your new acquaintances will be very curious
This situation may seem strange to some, but it is really common in our society. If you have moved into a new house, the neighbors will definitely want to get to know you. But as soon as they see three or even four children, they will definitely ask if your kids have one father. Sometimes these questions from strangers baffle you. You can’t understand why other people need this information and how to behave in a similar situation. 
In fact, you are not required to give an account of your personal life to strangers, even if they are nosy neighbors or a class teacher at a new school. You are under no obligation to disclose the details of your personal life, otherwise get ready for a flurry of advice and warnings for the future. People love to poke their nose into other people's business. But it is better to comprehend the basics of education without the help of outsiders. Learn to ignore the questions of intrusive acquaintances, and then you will be able to save a certain amount of nerve cells. 
Kindred gradation can hurt
No matter how many children you have, each of them was in your womb, each of them is desired and loved. It hurts when you hear terms such as "half-brother" or "half-sister" from the lips of relatives. This state of affairs seems to the mother a form of injustice. Every time the elders sort things out with the younger ones in front of strangers, people will sympathetically ask: “They are half-brothers, right?” At first, these questions can be very annoying. But we dare to assure you that siblings come into conflict with each other just as often. This is a normal phenomenon in which children learn to interact with each other and negotiate. 
Root Differences
These differences are especially relevant for those families in which several nationalities are mixed at once. Children from different marriages have different ancestors, which means that at the genetic level they contain different information about cultural habits. If, having remarried, you moved to another region, be prepared for the fact that older children will face some difficulties that will be reflected in everything: in the behavior of peers, in the new requirements of teachers, in the culinary traditions of the region. You are on the right track if you strive to integrate the cultural habits of both regions within your family. 
The intellectual abilities of children may vary
Genetics plays an important role in shaping the intellectual abilities of children. Your first husband might have been a bookworm, obsessed with history and adventure. He could spend hours with his son and daughter, solving logic problems or playing chess. He was quiet, diligent, often lost track of time, and judged his muscular colleagues, whose conversations were limited to the number of kilograms on the bar and protein supplements. You guess the characteristic features of the first husband in children. You are proud of their academic achievements, perseverance, but are upset that children often get sick. They, like dad, can not stand playing sports.
Your new partner may be the exact opposite of your ex-husband. He is obsessed with a healthy lifestyle, the cult of the body, and the book in his hands is rather an exception to the rule. Not surprisingly, the intellectual abilities of younger children are far from ideal. But they participate in all school competitions and love to help you with the housework. 
The physical development of children will also be different
Do not be surprised if neighbors and new acquaintances pester you so often with questions. They see that your children are too different in build, height, hair color. Even their facial features or characteristic mannerisms can be drastically different. Do not be sad that there is such discord in your family. Science knows many cases when one of the fraternal twins was very tall and powerful, and the other was small and thin. At the same time, their facial features and hair color were different. Despite all the external differences, your children are one big close-knit group. And this is entirely your merit! 
Their fathers may have different parenting styles
One of your husbands may be too soft, kind-hearted, denying any methods of punishment, and the other, on the contrary, harsh and strict. One likes to mess with the kids for hours on end. Even now, when you do not live together, he regularly takes the kids for the weekend and devotes all his free time to them. It is no wonder that children "come off" in the house of their own father to the fullest. They literally stand on their ears and do not know the word "no". It is very difficult for you when Sunday evening comes. Often you listen to the complaints of the current spouse that your older children are eccentric, ill-mannered and not accustomed to order. You have already experienced a lot of family conflicts and all the time you take the fire on yourself. It is very difficult to navigate between diametrically opposed parenting styles. And if you manage to do this, you can be awarded the title of "mother heroine." 
Their fathers can't stand each other
Every person dreams of finding personal happiness, even if the family boat has been shattered. Your ex does not condemn your desire to remarry. The new spouse is too jealous of your past. They will never become best friends and will avoid each other whenever possible. However, this circumstance does not prevent you from hoping for the preservation of neutrality. Of course, there are families where former partners get along well with the current ones and even visit each other in pairs. However, such an idyll is rather an exception to the rule. If this is not your case, stop blindly hoping and counting on the reconciliation of the two sides. Don't have unjustified hopes. You are already entrusted with the difficult mission of being a peacemaker for children. You already manage conflicts between kids on a daily basis. Why do you need another unbearable burden? These two people are completely strangers to each other and are simply hostages of circumstances. Be wise and try to minimize the amount of conflict between fathers. 
Jealousy
Be sensible and don't let your ex-husband see the kids in your new home. Do not hide phone calls and do not go to a meeting on demand. However, it is possible that jealousy will work in the opposite direction. For example, the ego of an ex-spouse can be hurt by the fact that you had two pregnancies with a new partner within a year. After all, before you give birth to children in your first marriage, you "tried" for several years. 
Communication with relatives
And again, we are faced with different habits of the former and current partners. If the parents of the first husband were excluded from meeting with their grandchildren, now you see that everything has changed dramatically. Grandparents are frequent guests in your house, they bring gifts and pamper their grandchildren with attention. Ideally, if older children are not superfluous at this celebration of life. 
Seniors can stand up for their stepfather
If the children from the first marriage will take the side of the stepfather in some matters, consider yourself lucky. So, you managed to rally all family members, regardless of blood relationship. 
You will have more experience with younger children
You always want to think that you are a good mother to older children. But the reality is that young parents have too high requirements for offspring and often make parenting mistakes due to inexperience. Understanding your purpose comes later. Also, younger children have more freedom and are under less pressure. 
