Study the aggressor Most of all, the same aggressors, whom we have known for years, give us the most inconvenience. Of course, there are psychological attacks from strangers, but these one-time attacks affect our condition slightly, they can not be accepted.

Chapter I Taking Responsibility for Ourselves The essence of greatness is the ability to realize oneself as a person in circumstances where others prefer madness. Look back. Have you noticed your constant companion behind your back? Due to the lack of more euphonious

Study the audience If you want your audience to accept your ideas, you need to connect with them as if they were ordinary people. And for this you need to know the audience! A good and adapted speech sounds much more convincing than a great but standard one. You should

Chapter 57 Every Time You Surprise Yourself... You Inspire Yourself The selection system at SAS is designed to test you. Every mental flaw, every physical defeat will lead to a series of brutal tests aimed at finding your pain point. long marches and

Examine Your Reactions Each of us reacts differently to criticism and other forms of feedback: Brian blames others; Claire translates arrows; Anna is crying; Alfie apologizes; Mick talks all sorts of nonsense; Nester is silent; Fergie nods but refuses to change; Reynolds iso

This book was my 2nd in the study of this topic and indeed it is stronger than the other in describing the severity of the problem. Various examples are given, among which you can find your case. It is not written step by step how these examples were eventually solved, but the analysis of the situation may well help open your eyes to your situation. The ways of solving problems or confronting the manipulator are very briefly described, what needs to be done, and what, on the contrary, is not necessary in order to remain a winner for everyone. It won't get you out of trouble right after you read it, as it's your struggle and your efforts are needed, but it will help you raise your head to see where you're most comfortable and help you take the first step towards that.

Maria Pudovkina0

If you are interested in books about manipulation in order to learn how to defend yourself against manipulators (and not learn how to manipulate), then this book is for you. Now there are many good books about manipulators, they describe the techniques and methods of manipulation, of which there are a lot and the knowledge of which will help us recognize manipulation (unfortunately, these books can also serve as manuals for training manipulators). But this book is special. It introduces us to the psychology of the manipulator and teaches us to recognize him, to distinguish him from other people. Its author intelligibly and persistently helps us understand a very important thing - the person who manipulates is the aggressor. He fights with us, he attacks us. He wants to gain an advantage and defeat us. And he does it in secret. Those. He is a covertly aggressive person. This book teaches us to recognize covert aggression and defend against it. Useful book, highly recommended.

Dankova Inna0

Attempts to analyze one's own behavior in response to the inappropriate behavior of the interlocutor are a very common occurrence in everyday life. Caught myself on this more than once. This is due to either mentality or upbringing. That is, you immediately begin to engage in self-flagellation. Meanwhile, in front of you is none other than an ordinary arrogant manipulator. George Simon digs pretty deep and makes it possible to figure out who is who in life and at work. And here’s what’s interesting and what doesn’t reach my understanding - how is it possible to constantly, step by step, drive such a feeling of guilt into a person in front of you that a person literally doesn’t know what else to bow, just to please. And there is no guilt as such. There is a common manipulative technique: “We go headlong into the analysis of the situation, instead of simply responding to the attack. It almost never occurs to us that this may be just a desire of a person to win back what he needs, to insist on his own, or to become the master of the situation. And when we see him as the victim first and foremost, we get stuck trying to understand him instead of taking care of ourselves.” I recognize myself in 98% of such situations, alas. I'm not sure that the book will teach you to recognize manipulators and their traps right off the bat, but at least recognition will come, albeit not immediately. When you affirm that absolutely any manipulative trap is a subtle move of an aggressive person, the feeling of guilt fades into the background a little. But this is still in theory, I will check it in practice.

George Simon

"I was surrounded by nice, pretty people, slowly squeezing the ring." This phrase fully reflects the way people of a certain type act. We are talking about manipulators who unobtrusively ingratiate themselves with us and use our disposition, kindness and inability to say “no” for their own purposes. Often we do not realize that someone is shamelessly using us, and when we realize this, it is already too late: we are devastated, humiliated and depressed. How to recognize manipulators and not give them the slightest chance? This is what the famous American psychologist George Simon writes about. Classification of manipulative personalities, the way they act, methods of dealing with them? all this is in the book "Who is in sheep's clothing?", which became a world bestseller.

George Simon

Who is in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

Project Manager O. Ravdanis

Proofreader E. Chudinova

Computer layout A. Abramov

Cover design M. Borisov

Art director S. Timonov

The cover design uses images from shutterstock.com.

© George K. Simon, Ph.D., 1996, 2012

© Edition in Russian, translation, design. Alpina Publisher LLC, 2015

This book will help:

Understand which of those around you are manipulating;

Develop the right line of conduct with manipulators of all stripes;

Learn not to give in to those who want to use you for their own purposes.

Having read a whole selection of books on various issues of personality development, works on psychology, psychiatry and so on, I simply HAVE to recommend this book to you as one of the most important. She paves a simple and understandable path through the verbal husk. I purchased several copies for my friends - the book is beyond praise.

E. Adams, online store client

Don't let your boss fool you anymore! George Simon's book Who's in Sheep's Clothing? How to recognize a manipulator” is a godsend for anyone who has ever doubted their mental health in a relationship with those who like to control and manipulate.

Child of Eola, online store client

Dr. Simon uncovers the manipulators' favorite tactics and teaches you how to detect and repel their attacks, regaining control of the situation. This book helped me build a relationship with one person. I had to deal with him on a daily basis, but after each such “friendly” conversation, I invariably felt depressed and wounded, but I could not understand why this was happening. Thanks to this book, I was able to understand what really happened. Dr. Simon's guidance helped me get the manipulator to clean water and deal with the problem. And since that comrade is now aware that he can no longer control me, we have developed normal relations - not the height of perfection, but definitely better than those that were.

Reader from Chicago

This book is like an amulet that allows you to disenchant all that verbal dope that manipulators love so much and reveal their true intentions. Do yourself a favor: buy it.

Christie, Missouri

This is one of the best books I have ever read and I would recommend it to everyone. She helped me become a stronger person and judge others differently. I have always been quite naive and careless about people's ulterior motives, but reading this book has taught me a lot.

S. Bresenti, online store client

It is sad that there are people in the world who make life so difficult for others. Finding them in your life (personal and work) is a very important skill, which sometimes helps to a) not go crazy and b) take the right steps. Dr. Simon's book is remarkably clear. If you have only one book to read this year, read this one.

JA008, online store customer

Thanks to this book, you understand that it is our ignorance of the nature of evil that unties its hands. Simon shows that he can actually be behind those seemingly quite ordinary human actions that so puzzle us. According to him, while we perceive a skilled manipulator as a good person, as we would like to see him, he drinks all the juice out of us and leaves us in despondency and confusion. I would add on my own that such manipulators are evil incarnate, for evil involves lying, pressure and subjugation of others through deceit. Simon explains how to recognize this behavior and what to do about it. People should learn more about manipulators and learn how to protect themselves and society from them. This book is an excellent starting point.

Kai, New York State Reader

In a meaningful and humorous way, George Simon collects all the chatter and verbal serpentine that entangles us with power-hungry and slippery bosses, bad neighbors, obnoxious colleagues, and lays it out on the shelves to show those simple psychological strategies that help them take advantage of our goodwill, patience and even a wallet. I have recommended this book to all my friends and have bought several copies for my children in the future. Highly recommend!

K. McCallum, online store customer

I am deeply grateful to my wife Sherry Simon for her endless love, trust, understanding, patience and support. Sherry gave this book its name and provided invaluable assistance during the writing process, helping me to articulate my thoughts more clearly.

I want to thank Dr. Bruce Karruf for critical comments on the manuscript and suggestions that made the book easier to read.

I am indebted to Dr. Theodore Millon, whose meticulous approach to personality analysis not only influenced my way of thinking on the subject, but proved to be excellent when I tried to help other people work on themselves.

I really appreciate the continuous support of the participants of my seminars, who tested my ideas in practice and enriched me with new experience and knowledge. They helped me to separate the main from the secondary, to understand and clearly formulate one of the key tasks of my life.

Words cannot express my gratitude to the thousands of readers whose interest has kept this book on the supply lists of online stores and retail outlets for 15 years. The abundance of letters, emails, and blog posts my readers have written has helped me make the necessary changes and additions to this revised edition. I have expanded the discussion of key concepts and added important new data in an effort to respond quickly in the new edition to all the feedback I continue to receive.

Finally, I want to thank Roger Armbrust and Ted Packhurst of Parkhurst Brothers. Ted inspired me in the early stages of the book and was there when I needed it; Roger's company and kindness helped my work greatly and ultimately benefited the readers.

Foreword

Whether we are talking about a leader who verbally supports you, but in fact stops any attempt to move forward, about a colleague who secretly "digs" under you in order to earn the favor of his superiors, about the second half, which portrays love and care, and she herself to the smallest detail controls your life, or about a child who knows all your weaknesses and skillfully plays on them to get his own - all manipulators resemble the notorious wolf in sheep's clothing. Outwardly, they may look friendly and charming. But under this shell are ruthlessness and prudence. Insidiously and imperceptibly, such people seek out your vulnerabilities and, with the help of sophisticated tricks, take over you. Manipulators are the type of people who are willing to do whatever it takes to get things done, but go to great lengths to hide their aggressive intentions. That's why I call them covert-aggressive personalities.

As a practicing clinical psychologist, I became interested in covert aggression over 20 years ago. My interest was caused by the fact that the feelings of depression, anxiety and insecurity that led some of my patients to seek my help turned out to be somehow related to relationships in which the manipulative personality was present. I have counseled not only the victims of hidden aggression, but also the manipulators themselves, who are in distress because their usual ways to get their own way and control others have ceased to work. The work gave me an idea of ​​how common manipulative behavior is and how powerful emotional stress it can bring to a relationship.

The scale of the problem of covert aggression is obvious. Most of us personally know at least one manipulator. Rarely does a day go by without the media telling us about someone who managed to deceive and take advantage of others before his true nature was revealed. The televangelist, who called for virtue, chastity and love, deceived his wife and did not hesitate to rob his flock; a politician sworn to "serve the public interest" was caught lining his own pockets; the spiritual "teacher", who managed to convince his followers that he was the incarnation of God on earth, seduced their children and intimidated those who dared to challenge him. It seems our world is full of manipulators.

Such outstanding wolves in sheep's clothing, making the front pages of newspapers, attract our attention and arouse curiosity, making us wonder what drives them. However, the behavior of most covertly aggressive people that we encounter in life is not so grotesque. Their deceit, treachery, duplicity and cunning are inconspicuous - these are the people with whom we work, cooperate and even live together. And they are quite capable of ruining our lives. We feel bitterness and annoyance because it is so difficult for us to understand them and even more difficult to deal with them.

When emotional suffering causes victims of covert aggression to seek help for the first time, they usually have little idea why they feel so bad: they just feel confused, anxious, or overwhelmed. However, gradually they come to understand that they are driven crazy by the presence in the life of a certain person. They do not trust this person, but they cannot explain why. They are angry with him, but for some reason they themselves feel guilty. They try to confront him over his behavior, but end up on the defensive themselves. People feel overwhelmed and desperate because they make concessions when they were going to insist on their own, and they say yes when they want to say no, and all attempts to change things are in vain. Contact with such a person always causes them a feeling of confusion, a feeling that they have been used. Exploring all these manifestations in the course of therapy, the victims sooner or later realize that their problems are the result of fruitless efforts to comprehend the actions of the manipulator, the need to deal with him and attempts to cope with his behavior.

Although many of my patients are smart and resourceful people well versed in conventional psychology, their efforts to understand and deal with manipulative behavior have mostly stymied them, and some of the steps seem to have made the problem worse. Moreover, none of the methods that I tried to apply at first gave real results. With a fairly versatile training, I have tried every conceivable kind of therapeutic interventions and strategies. All of them brought some relief to the victim, but none of them helped to really change the nature of the relationship with the manipulator. Even more confusing was the fact that none of my methods had any effect on the manipulators themselves. Having come to the conclusion that there was something fundamentally wrong with traditional approaches to interacting with manipulative people, I began to carefully study this problem in the hope of finding a practical and more effective approach.

In this book, I would like to introduce you to a new perspective on the nature of manipulation. I am convinced that, compared with many other approaches, it allows you to more accurately describe manipulators and systematize their behavior. I will explain what hidden aggression is and why I consider it the basis of interpersonal manipulation. I will draw your attention to some aspects of the personality, the description of which is often missing in traditional interpretations. The belief system I am developing challenges some of the common assumptions about why people act the way they do and explains why some commonly held beliefs about human nature can make us a target for manipulators.

In writing this book, I set myself three goals. First, I wanted to give you a comprehensive understanding of the nature of an unbalanced character, as well as the typical features of a covert-aggressive personality. We will look at the varieties of the aggressive personality and its characteristics in general, and discuss the unique characteristics of the covert-aggressive type. I will bring to your attention a few sketches taken from life, so that you feel the "spirit" of this type of personality and understand the mechanisms of action of manipulative people. Learning to recognize wolves in sheep's clothing and understanding what to expect from these kinds of characters is the first step to avoid becoming a victim.

My second goal is to show how covertly aggressive people manage to mislead, manipulate, and control others. Aggressive and Covert Aggressive people use a particular set of interpersonal skills and tactics to get the better of others. A closer acquaintance with these tactics will help to recognize manipulation at the very moment when it occurs, thereby avoiding victimization. We will also discuss traits that many of us have that make us extremely vulnerable. Understanding which traits of your character the manipulator will primarily target is the next important step on the path away from the role of the victim.

Finally, my final goal is to talk about specific actions that make it possible for any person to interact more effectively with aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities. I will provide some general principles for revisiting the rules of dealing with this type of person, and I will offer specific tools to increase your influence on the situation and to break the vicious cycle of trying to cope with a manipulator that leads to feeling overwhelmed. By using these tools, the former victim gets a chance to spend her energy on something that can really make her stronger - changing her own behavior. To become less vulnerable to the tricks of the manipulator and gain control over your own life, it is extremely important to know how to behave in situations fraught with manipulation.

I tried to keep a serious manner of presenting the material and to speak to the point, but at the same time express my thoughts clearly and frankly. In writing this book, I have addressed both the general public and mental health professionals; I hope both of these categories of readers will find it useful. Therapists are held captive by a range of traditional assumptions, patterns, and intervention strategies, thus sometimes reinventing themselves in the same misconceptions about the nature and behavior of manipulators, unintentionally passing them on to their patients, which only exacerbates the victimization of the latter. I propose to take a fresh look at this topic in the hope that it will help both specialists and ordinary people to effectively deal with manipulative behavior.

Part I

What is a manipulative personality

Introduction

Hidden aggression as the basis of manipulation

Typical problem

You may find the scenarios described below familiar.

Here is a woman trying to unwind the ball of her feelings. She is angry with her husband for demanding that their daughter be a straight A student. At the same time, she has doubts about whether she has the right to be angry about this. When she, based on her ideas about the abilities of her daughter, noticed that his requirements were unreasonably high, he replied: “Any good parent wants his child to succeed and succeed in life, don’t they?” – making her feel callous and soulless. In fact, every run-in with him made her feel like a disgusting person.

George Simon

Who is in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

Project Manager O. Ravdanis

Corrector E. Chudinova

Computer layout A. Abramov

Cover design M. Borisov

Art Director S. Timonov

The cover design used images from the stock photo bank shutterstock.com

© George K. Simon, Ph.D., 1996, 2012

© Edition in Russian, translation, design. Alpina Publisher LLC, 2015

This book will help:

Understand which of those around you are manipulating;

Develop the right line of conduct with manipulators of all stripes;

Learn not to give in to those who want to use you for their own purposes.

Having read a whole selection of books on various issues of personality development, works on psychology, psychiatry and so on, I simply HAVE to recommend this book to you as one of the most important. She paves a simple and understandable path through the verbal husk. I purchased several copies for my friends - the book is beyond praise.

E. Adams, online store client

Don't let your boss fool you anymore! George Simon's book Who's in Sheep's Clothing? How to recognize a manipulator” is a godsend for anyone who has ever doubted their mental health in a relationship with those who like to control and manipulate.

Child of Eola, online store client

Dr. Simon uncovers the manipulators' favorite tactics and teaches you how to detect and repel their attacks, regaining control of the situation. This book helped me build a relationship with one person. I had to deal with him on a daily basis, but after each such “friendly” conversation, I invariably felt depressed and wounded, but I could not understand why this was happening. Thanks to this book, I was able to understand what really happened. Dr. Simon's guidance helped me get the manipulator to clean water and deal with the problem. And since that comrade is now aware that he can no longer control me, we have developed normal relations - not the height of perfection, but definitely better than those that were.

Reader from Chicago

This book is like an amulet that allows you to disenchant all that verbal dope that manipulators love so much and reveal their true intentions. Do yourself a favor: buy it.

Christie, Missouri

This is one of the best books I have ever read and I would recommend it to everyone. She helped me become a stronger person and judge others differently. I have always been quite naive and careless about people's ulterior motives, but reading this book has taught me a lot.

S. Bresenti, online store client

It is sad that there are people in the world who make life so difficult for others. Finding them in your life (personal and work) is a very important skill, which sometimes helps to a) not go crazy and b) take the right steps. Dr. Simon's book is remarkably clear. If you have only one book to read this year, read this one.

JA008, online store customer

Thanks to this book, you understand that it is our ignorance of the nature of evil that unties its hands. Simon shows that he can actually be behind those seemingly quite ordinary human actions that so puzzle us. According to him, while we perceive a skilled manipulator as a good person, as we would like to see him, he drinks all the juice out of us and leaves us in despondency and confusion. I would add on my own that such manipulators are evil incarnate, for evil involves lying, pressure and subjugation of others through deceit. Simon explains how to recognize this behavior and what to do about it. People should learn more about manipulators and learn how to protect themselves and society from them. This book is an excellent starting point.

Kai, New York State Reader

In a meaningful and humorous way, George Simon collects all the chatter and verbal serpentine that entangles us with power-hungry and slippery bosses, bad neighbors, obnoxious colleagues, and lays it out on the shelves to show those simple psychological strategies that help them take advantage of our goodwill, patience and even a wallet. I have recommended this book to all my friends and have bought several copies for my children in the future. Highly recommend!

K. McCallum, online store customer

I am deeply grateful to my wife Sherry Simon for her endless love, trust, understanding, patience and support. Sherry gave this book its name and provided invaluable assistance during the writing process, helping me to articulate my thoughts more clearly.

I want to thank Dr. Bruce Karruf for critical comments on the manuscript and suggestions that made the book easier to read.

I am indebted to Dr. Theodore Millon, whose meticulous approach to personality analysis not only influenced my way of thinking on the subject, but proved to be excellent when I tried to help other people work on themselves.

I really appreciate the continuous support of the participants of my seminars, who tested my ideas in practice and enriched me with new experience and knowledge. They helped me to separate the main from the secondary, to understand and clearly formulate one of the key tasks of my life.

Words cannot express my gratitude to the thousands of readers whose interest has kept this book on the supply lists of online stores and retail outlets for 15 years. The abundance of letters, emails, and blog posts my readers have written has helped me make the necessary changes and additions to this revised edition. I have expanded the discussion of key concepts and added important new data in an effort to respond quickly in the new edition to all the feedback I continue to receive.

Finally, I want to thank Roger Armbrust and Ted Packhurst of Parkhurst Brothers. Ted inspired me in the early stages of the book and was there when I needed it; Roger's company and kindness helped my work greatly and ultimately benefited the readers.

Foreword

Whether we are talking about a leader who verbally supports you, but in fact stops any attempt to move forward, about a colleague who secretly "digs" under you in order to earn the favor of his superiors, about the second half, which portrays love and care, and she herself to the smallest detail controls your life, or about a child who knows all your weaknesses and skillfully plays on them to get his own - all manipulators resemble the notorious wolf in sheep's clothing. Outwardly, they may look friendly and charming. But under this shell are ruthlessness and prudence. Insidiously and imperceptibly, such people seek out your vulnerabilities and, with the help of sophisticated tricks, take over you. Manipulators are the type of people who are willing to do whatever it takes to get things done, but go to great lengths to hide their aggressive intentions. That's why I call them covert-aggressive personalities.

As a practicing clinical psychologist, I became interested in covert aggression over 20 years ago. My interest was caused by the fact that the feelings of depression, anxiety and insecurity that led some of my patients to seek my help turned out to be somehow related to relationships in which the manipulative personality was present. I have counseled not only the victims of hidden aggression, but also the manipulators themselves, who are in distress because their usual ways to get their own way and control others have ceased to work. The work gave me an idea of ​​how common manipulative behavior is and how powerful emotional stress it can bring to a relationship.

The scale of the problem of covert aggression is obvious. Most of us personally know at least one manipulator. Rarely does a day go by without the media telling us about someone who managed to deceive and take advantage of others before his true nature was revealed. The televangelist, who called for virtue, chastity and love, deceived his wife and did not hesitate to rob his flock; a politician sworn to "serve the public interest" was caught lining his own pockets; the spiritual "teacher", who managed to convince his followers that he was the incarnation of God on earth, seduced their children and intimidated those who dared to challenge him. It seems our world is full of manipulators.

"George Simon Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

George Simon

Who is in sheep's clothing? how

recognize the manipulator

Text provided by the copyright holder

http://www.litres.ru/pages/biblio_book/?art=8709293

Who is in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator / George Simon: Alpina Publisher;

Moscow; 2015

ISBN 978-5-9614-3653-2

annotation

"I was surrounded by nice, pretty people, slowly squeezing the ring." This phrase

fully reflects the way people of a certain type act. This is about

manipulators who unobtrusively ingratiate themselves with us and take advantage of our goodwill, kindness and inability to say no, for their own purposes. Often we do not realize that someone is shamelessly using us, and when we realize this, it is already too late: we are devastated, humiliated and depressed. How to recognize manipulators and not give them the slightest chance? This is what the famous American psychologist George Simon writes about. The classification of manipulative personalities, the way they act, the methods of dealing with them are all in the book "Who is in sheep's clothing?", which has become a world bestseller.

Contents Author's Acknowledgments 6 Preface 7 Part I 10 Introduction 10 Typical Problem 10 Core of the Problem 10 The Nature of Human Aggression 11 Two Important Varieties of Aggression 12 Covert and Passive Aggression 12 Covert Aggressive Actions and the Covert Aggressive Personality Type 12 The Process of Victimization 13 End of Introductory Fragment. 14 D. Simon. "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

George Simon Who in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator Project leader O. Ravdanis Proofreader E. Chudinova Computer layout A. Abramov Cover design M. Borisov Art director S. Timonov Cover design using images from shutterstock.com © George K. Simon, Ph.D., 1996 , 2012 © Edition in Russian, translation, design. Alpina Publisher LLC, 2015 ***

This book will help:

Understand which of those around you are manipulating;

Develop the right line of conduct with manipulators of all stripes;

Learn not to give in to those who want to use you for their own purposes.

Having read a whole selection of books on various issues of personality development, works on psychology, psychiatry and so on, I simply HAVE to recommend this book to you as one of the most important. She paves a simple and understandable path through the verbal husk. I purchased several copies for my friends - the book is beyond praise.

E. Adams, Online Store Customer Don't let your boss fool you anymore! George Simon's book Who's in Sheep's Clothing? How to recognize a manipulator” is a godsend for anyone who has ever doubted their mental health in a relationship with those who like to control and manipulate.

Eol's Child, Online Store Customer Dr. Simon reveals the manipulators' favorite tactics and teaches you how to detect and repel their attacks, regaining control of the situation. This book helped me build a relationship with one person. I had to deal with him on a daily basis, but after each such “friendly” conversation, I invariably felt depressed and wounded, but I could not understand why this was happening. Thanks to this book, I was able to understand what really happened. Dr. Simon's guidance helped me get the manipulator to clean water and deal with the problem. And since that comrade is now aware that he can no longer control me, we have developed normal relations - not the height of perfection, but definitely better than those that were.

Reader from Chicago

This book is like an amulet that allows you to disenchant all that verbal dope that manipulators love so much and reveal their true intentions. Do yourself a favor: buy it.

Christie, Missouri This is one of the best books I have ever read and I would recommend it to everyone. She helped me become a stronger person and judge others differently. I have always been quite naive and careless about people's ulterior motives, but reading this book has taught me a lot.

S. Bresenti, online store client It's sad that there are people in the world who make life so difficult for others. Finding them in your life (personal and work) is a very important skill, which sometimes helps to a) not go crazy and b) take the right steps. Dr. Simon's book is remarkably clear.

If you have only one book to read this year, read this one.

JA008, online store client Thanks to this book, you understand that it is our ignorance of the nature of evil that unties its hands. Simon shows that he can actually be behind those seemingly quite ordinary human actions that so puzzle us. According to him, while we perceive a skilled manipulator as a good person, as we would like to see him, he drinks all the juice out of us and leaves us in despondency and confusion. I would add on my own that such manipulators are evil incarnate, for evil involves lying, pressure and subjugation of others through deceit. Simon explains how to recognize this behavior and what to do about it. People should learn more about manipulators and learn how to protect themselves and society from them. This book is an excellent starting point.

Kai, New York State Reader With insight and humor, George Simon collects all the twaddle and serpentine of verbal power-hungry bosses, bad neighbors, obnoxious colleagues, and lays it out on the shelves to show the simple psychological strategies that help them take advantage of our location, patience and even a wallet. I have recommended this book to all my friends and have bought several copies for my children in the future. Highly recommend!

K. McCallum, online store customer

D. Simon. "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

Author Acknowledgments I am deeply indebted to my wife Sherry Simon for her endless love, trust, understanding, patience and support. Sherry gave this book its name and provided invaluable assistance during the writing process, helping me to articulate my thoughts more clearly.

I want to thank Dr. Bruce Karruf for critical comments on the manuscript and suggestions that made the book easier to read.

I am indebted to Dr. Theodore Millon, whose meticulous approach to personality analysis not only influenced my way of thinking on the subject, but proved to be excellent when I tried to help other people work on themselves.

I really appreciate the continuous support of the participants of my seminars, who tested my ideas in practice and enriched me with new experience and knowledge. They helped me to separate the main from the secondary, to understand and clearly formulate one of the key tasks of my life.

Words cannot express my gratitude to the thousands of readers whose interest has kept this book on the supply lists of online stores and retail outlets for 15 years. The abundance of letters, emails, and blog posts my readers have written has helped me make the necessary changes and additions to this revised edition. I have expanded the discussion of key concepts and added important new data in an effort to respond quickly in the new edition to all the feedback I continue to receive.

Finally, I want to thank Roger Armbrust and Ted Packhurst of Parkhurst Brothers. Ted inspired me in the early stages of the book and was there when I needed it; Roger's company and kindness helped my work greatly and ultimately benefited the readers.

D. Simon. "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

Foreword Is it about a leader who verbally supports you, but in fact stops any attempt to move forward, about a colleague who secretly “digs” under you in order to earn the favor of his superiors, about the second half, which depicts love and care, and little things control your life, or a child who knows all your weaknesses and skillfully plays on them to get his own - all manipulators resemble the notorious wolf in sheep's clothing. Outwardly, they may look friendly and charming. But under this shell are ruthlessness and prudence.

Insidiously and imperceptibly, such people seek out your vulnerabilities and, with the help of sophisticated tricks, take over you. Manipulators are the type of people who are willing to do whatever it takes to get things done, but go to great lengths to hide their aggressive intentions. That's why I call them covert-aggressive personalities.

As a practicing clinical psychologist, I became interested in covert aggression over 20 years ago. My interest was caused by the fact that the feelings of depression, anxiety and insecurity that led some of my patients to seek my help turned out to be somehow related to relationships in which the manipulative personality was present. I have counseled not only the victims of hidden aggression, but also the manipulators themselves, who are in distress because their usual ways to get their own way and control others have ceased to work.

The work gave me an idea of ​​how common manipulative behavior is and how powerful emotional stress it can bring to a relationship.

The scale of the problem of covert aggression is obvious. Most of us personally know at least one manipulator. Rarely does a day go by without the media telling us about someone who managed to deceive and take advantage of others before his true nature was revealed. The televangelist, who called for virtue, chastity and love, deceived his wife and did not hesitate to rob his flock; a politician sworn to "serve the public interest" was caught lining his own pockets;

the spiritual "teacher", who managed to convince his followers that he was the incarnation of God on earth, seduced their children and intimidated those who dared to challenge him.

It seems our world is full of manipulators.

Such outstanding wolves in sheep's clothing, making the front pages of newspapers, attract our attention and arouse curiosity, making us wonder what drives them. However, the behavior of most covertly aggressive people that we encounter in life is not so grotesque. Their deceit, treachery, duplicity and cunning are inconspicuous - these are the people with whom we work, cooperate and even live together. And they are quite capable of ruining our lives. We feel bitterness and annoyance because it is so difficult for us to understand them and even more difficult to deal with them.

When emotional suffering causes victims of covert aggression to seek help for the first time, they usually have little idea why they feel so bad: they just feel confused, anxious, or overwhelmed. However, gradually the understanding comes to them that the presence of a certain person in the life of a certain person is driving them crazy. They do not trust this person, but they cannot explain why. They are angry with him, but for some reason they themselves feel guilty. They try to confront him over his behavior, but end up on the defensive themselves. People feel overwhelmed and desperate because they make concessions, although they were going to insist on their own, and say. Simon. "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

they say "yes" when they want to say "no", and all attempts to change the situation are in vain. Contact with such a person always causes them a feeling of confusion, a feeling that they have been used. Exploring all these manifestations in the course of therapy, the victims sooner or later realize that their problems are the result of fruitless efforts to comprehend the actions of the manipulator, the need to deal with him and attempts to cope with his behavior.

Although many of my patients are smart and resourceful people well versed in conventional psychology, their efforts to understand and deal with manipulative behavior have mostly stymied them, and some of the steps seem to have made the problem worse. Moreover, none of the methods that I tried to apply at first gave real results. With a fairly versatile training, I have tried every conceivable kind of therapeutic interventions and strategies. All of them brought some relief to the victim, but none of them helped to really change the nature of the relationship with the manipulator. Even more confusing was the fact that none of my methods had any effect on the manipulators themselves. Having come to the conclusion that there was something fundamentally wrong with traditional approaches to interacting with manipulative people, I began to carefully study this problem in the hope of finding a practical and more effective approach.

In this book, I would like to introduce you to a new perspective on the nature of manipulation.

I am convinced that, compared with many other approaches, it allows you to more accurately describe manipulators and systematize their behavior. I will explain what hidden aggression is and why I consider it the basis of interpersonal manipulation. I will draw your attention to some aspects of the personality, the description of which is often missing in traditional interpretations. The belief system I am developing challenges some of the common assumptions about why people act the way they do and explains why some commonly held beliefs about human nature can make us a target for manipulators.

In writing this book, I set myself three goals. First, I wanted to give you a comprehensive understanding of the nature of an unbalanced character, as well as the typical features of a covert-aggressive personality. We will look at the varieties of the aggressive personality and its characteristics in general, and discuss the unique characteristics of the covert-aggressive type. I will bring to your attention a few sketches taken from life, so that you feel the "spirit" of this type of personality and understand the mechanisms of action of manipulative people.

Learning to recognize wolves in sheep's clothing and understanding what to expect from these kinds of characters is the first step to avoid becoming a victim.

My second goal is to show how covertly aggressive people manage to mislead, manipulate, and control others. Aggressive and covertly aggressive people use a specific set of interpersonal skills and tactics to get the better of others. A closer acquaintance with these tactics will help to recognize manipulation at the very moment when it occurs, thereby avoiding victimization. We will also discuss traits that many of us have that make us extremely vulnerable. Understanding which traits of your character the manipulator will primarily target is the next important step on the path away from the role of the victim.

Finally, my last goal is to talk about the specific actions that make it possible for any person to interact more effectively with aggressive and covertly aggressive personalities. I will give you some general principles to rethink the rules of conduct when dealing with these types of people, and offer specific tools to increase your influence on the situation and allow you to break the evil D. Simon. "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

a circle of attempts to cope with the manipulator leading to a feeling of depression. By using these tools, the former victim gets a chance to spend her energy on something that can really make her stronger - changing her own behavior. To become less vulnerable to the tricks of the manipulator and gain control over your own life, it is extremely important to know how to behave in situations fraught with manipulation.

I tried to keep a serious manner of presenting the material and to speak to the point, but at the same time express my thoughts clearly and frankly. In writing this book, I have addressed both the general public and mental health professionals; I hope both of these categories of readers will find it useful. Therapists are held captive by a range of traditional assumptions, patterns, and intervention strategies, thus sometimes reinventing themselves in the same misconceptions about the nature and behavior of manipulators, unintentionally passing them on to their patients, which only exacerbates the victimization of the latter. I propose to take a fresh look at this topic in the hope that it will help both specialists and ordinary people to effectively deal with manipulative behavior.

D. Simon. "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

–  –  –

Common Problem The following scenarios may sound familiar to you.

Here is a woman trying to unwind the ball of her feelings. She is angry with her husband for demanding that their daughter be a straight A student. At the same time, she has doubts about whether she has the right to be angry about this.

When she, based on her ideas about the abilities of her daughter, noticed that his demands were unreasonably high, he replied:

“Any good parent wants their child to do well and succeed in life, don’t they?” – making her feel callous and soulless. In fact, every run-in with him made her feel like a disgusting person. When she suggested that it was not only the daughter and that the family should seek the advice of a psychotherapist, he threw a sharp remark: “Do you think that I need a psychiatrist ?!” — made her feel guilty for bringing up the subject at all. This woman quite often tries to defend her point of view, but always eventually yields to her husband. Sometimes she thinks that the root of all problems in him is in his selfishness, excessive demands, the desire to suppress and control.

However, he is a faithful husband, breadwinner of the family and a respected member of society. To be fair, she had nothing to be angry with him for. However, she is angry. And so she repeatedly returns to the idea that perhaps something is wrong with herself.

And here is a mother who unsuccessfully tries to understand the behavior of her daughter. It had always seemed to her that no girl would threaten to leave home by saying, “Everyone hates me,” or “I wish I hadn’t been born at all,” unless she felt extremely depressed and intimidated. With one part of her being, the mother sees in her daughter the same baby who threw things or held her breath until she was blue in the face, as soon as something was not to her liking. After all, the daughter only says and does all this when she is called to order or when she is trying to get something that she really wants. But somewhere deep down, the mother is afraid that these are not empty threats. "What if she believes what she says?" the woman asks herself. "What if I'm really doing something that hurts her and I just don't notice it?" she worries. She can't stand feeling intimidated by her daughter's threats and emotional outbursts, but at the same time, she can't discount the possibility that her daughter is really offended - could it be? In the end, the child will not do this if nothing threatens him and he feels safe, right?

The Heart of the Problem None of the victims in the above scenarios trusted their "spinal" sense. They felt that they were in a defensive position, but consciously they could not see the aggressor in the manipulator. On the one hand, the inner voice speaks. Simon. "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

told them that the other person was trying to get the better of them. On the other hand, the situation did not give them any clear confirmation of this feeling. They began to doubt their own sanity.

No, they are sane. In fact, people are almost constantly trying to get the better of each other. And manipulators are excellent at doing it in such a way that it is almost impossible to discover their true motives. For the most part, you don't notice their attempts to overpower you and don't even suspect that you are participating in a fight until you catch yourself on the edge of the abyss. Manipulation, as a rule, means that they are fighting with you in order to obtain certain benefits or advantages, it is just that this struggle is almost imperceptible. At the heart of most manipulations lies hidden aggression.

The Nature of Human Aggression The instinct to fight other people is a close relative of Survival Instinct 1. Almost all of us “fight” to survive and thrive, but these fights are mostly non-destructive in nature and do not involve physical violence. Some theorists believe that our aggressive energy can only be expressed in violent actions when this basic instinct is seriously threatened. Others believe that there are individuals who, regardless of the circumstances, are predisposed to aggression, including physical.

But no matter what the basis of violent actions is - excessive pressure of circumstances, innate predisposition, actualization of previously acquired skills, or any combination of these factors, all theorists agree on one thing: aggression in itself is not a synonym for destructive physical violence. In this book, the word “aggression” will refer to that powerful energy that we all expend in our daily attempts to survive, succeed, protect what we think will bring us certain joys, and remove obstacles in our path.

We have a lot more fights every day than we are willing to admit. The desire to fight is a fundamental and instinctive desire. Anyone who would attempt to deny the instinctive nature of aggression has either never seen children fighting for possession of a toy or has simply forgotten this archetypal scene. In addition, battles are a significant part of our culture. They are intimately woven into the fabric of social life.

- from the ruthless skirmishes that accompany the struggle for representative power, to the competitive corporate environment and the principle of competitiveness of the parties in the justice system. We sue each other, divorce each other, fight for the right to raise children, get a job, insist on certain goals, values, beliefs and ideals. Psychodynamicist Alfred Adler pointed out many years ago that we are actively fighting for a sense of social superiority as well. Fighting for personal or social advantage, we seek to outwit each other in order to gain power, raise prestige, or win a secure social niche. In fact, we have so many fights in so many aspects of our lives that it is not an exaggeration to say that when we are not engaged in love, we are engaged in war.

There is nothing necessarily harmful or wrong in these battles. Standing up for your legal rights openly and honestly is a constructive and often inevitable step.

When we fight for what we really need, while respecting the rights and needs of others and taking care not to cause unnecessary damage, our behavior is best called self-confidence, or assertiveness. Assertive Behavior Numbers in square brackets refer to notes at the end of the book. - Approx. ed.

D. Simon. "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

nie is a healthy and necessary ability. If we can stand up for ourselves in the fight for our goals, overcome dependence on something and find integrity and self-sufficiency, this is wonderful. But when we get into a fight unnecessarily or without thinking about how our actions will affect others, our behavior should be called aggressive.

In the civilized world, the uncontrollable urge to fight (aggression) is almost always a problem.

However, the fact that we are aggressive creatures does not yet make us moral cripples or “hell-fiends”. Following the views actively advocated by Carl Jung, I will undertake to argue that the evil that sometimes stems from the aggressive behavior of a person is due to his inability to cope with this key human instinct and put it in a rigid framework.

Two Important Types of Aggression One of the most important classifications of types of fighting that we will be discussing is the division of aggression into overt and covert (another important division is reactive and predatory or instrumental aggression). When you are determined to stand your ground or fight for this or that advantage, but at the same time act directly, openly and clearly, your behavior is best described as openly aggressive.

If you seek to win, get your way, overcome, or take control, and at the same time act invisibly, covertly, and cunningly enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior should be called covert-aggressive. Hiding obvious manifestations of aggression, while intimidating the other and forcing him to step aside or give in, is a very powerful manipulative maneuver. That is why covert aggression is the most common mechanism of interpersonal manipulation.

Covert and Passive Aggression I often hear people refer to someone as "passive-aggressive" when they are really trying to describe covert-aggressive behavior. Yes, covert aggression and passive aggression are both roundabout ways of expressing aggression, but they are definitely not the same thing. Passive aggression, as the phrase itself implies, is aggression in inaction. Examples of passive aggression are various ways of emotionally "revenging" another person - refusal to cooperate with him, boycott, manifestations of resentment and discontent, complaints and whining, intentional "forgetfulness" due to the fact that you are angry or do not consider yourself obliged to meet halfway, etc. Hidden aggression, on the contrary, is very active, although it looks veiled. When someone acts covertly aggressive, he uses calculated and cunning ways to get his way or get the right reaction, but at the same time skillfully hides his aggressive intentions.

Covert Aggressive Actions and the Covert Aggressive Personality Many of us engage in covert aggressive actions from time to time, but that doesn't make us covertly aggressive or manipulative.

A person's personality can be defined as the way in which he habitually perceives other people and the world in general, interacts with them and builds relationships. It is a distinctive "style" or ingrained way of behaving that a person resorts to in a wide variety of situations in order to achieve what he wants. Some individuals can behave extremely ruthlessly in interpersonal interactions, but at the same time D. Simon. "Who's in sheep's clothing? How to recognize a manipulator

hide their aggressive nature and even demonstrate quite convincing external charm. These covertly aggressive personalities are able to get their way from you and at the same time not give themselves away in the process. The depth of cruelty and pathology of their behavior may vary, but vivid examples can tell us more about manipulation in general, so in this book we will pay close attention to some especially unbalanced covert-aggressive personalities.

The Victimization Process For a long time, I wondered why the victims of manipulation have such a poor understanding of what actually happens in manipulative interactions. At first, it was tempting to blame them for this. However, as I have discovered over time, they have good reasons to be fooled.

1. The aggression of the manipulator is not obvious. We can intuitively feel that he is trying to beat us, subdue us or get his way, and experience unconscious, unconscious fear. But since we are unable to point out clear signs of aggression against us, we have nothing to verify and reinforce our feelings.

2. Manipulators often use powerful deception techniques that make it difficult to recognize cunning tricks in their behavior. Through these techniques, a person can appear suffering, caring, defensive, whatever, but not fighting for advantage over us. The arguments of the manipulator are always meaningful just enough to make us distrust our instincts and prevent us from seeing that he subjugates us and uses for his own purposes. His tactics not only prevent us from objectively understanding that the manipulator is trying to gain power over us, but also forces us to unconsciously take a defensive position. This turns manipulation techniques into effective psychological combat combinations. It's hard to keep your mind clear when someone robs you of your presence of mind on an emotional level, and that's why it's hard for you to see the true meaning behind these techniques.

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