How often we are afraid to say “no” to people. For fear of offending, letting down, not earning their favor. And on the one hand, what is it? On the contrary, humility, service - all this is very useful. On the other hand, the desire to always help is strongly tied to the ego and does not contribute to spiritual growth in any way.
Firstly, such behavior very often goes against your needs, sometimes even common sense. Saying “yes” to everyone is disrespectful to yourself. Secondly, you encourage behavior where people can take advantage of you without thinking about whether you are tired or even want to help.
Saying "no" is absolutely normal, building boundaries between people is absolutely normal. It is very important to understand that kindness towards others is expressed not in the unquestioning fulfillment of requests (orders, manipulations), but in respecting yourself and others, helping when you want, from a pure heart, when this help is not associated with a desire to encourage when it does not lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
If you find it difficult to say no to people, follow these tips.
- Analyze the person's request. Saying "no" just because you're lazy is not the point. Saying "yes" simply because you have been plaintively asked for something for an hour already - too. It is necessary to assess the situation, and not thoughtlessly shoot answers. Does the person really need your help or does he just want to take advantage of you? What is your heart telling you?
- Formulate a clear rejection. The clearer, concise it is, the faster your requester will decipher the message. Usually people easily accept refusals without bad intentions, but the so-called energy vampires love to terrorize their victim for hours until they get what they want from her. They will ask why you refuse, try to make you feel guilty, and so on. You should not stand on ceremony with such people. They must respect your right to refuse, if only because you have every right to it. State the refusal as clearly as possible, express sympathy and proceed with other things with a light heart. Don't go into explanations about why you can't help, how sorry you are, etc. Attention: we are talking about vampires. The people you love deserve both explanation and... help.
- Give advice. You cannot help this person at the moment, but perhaps you know someone who can? Or is there some way to solve the problem without your participation? Saying "no" does not mean being indifferent
- Be kind."No" does not mean that you automatically go into the category of enemies. Again: realize that you have the right to refuse. By refusing, you simply recite that at the moment you have no way to help. She might show up some other time. Say it with a warm smile in your soul. Wish the person all the best. Let him find a solution to his problem and be happy - you sincerely wish him this
I often hear from acquaintances, clients, that it is very difficult to say “no”: it is difficult to refuse some persistent petitioner. And it seems that you don’t want to do what they ask, and because of this you have to somehow limit yourself or change your plans, or some sort of situation at work will develop, which is inconvenient ... but still, the tongue does not turn to refuse. What is a weakness of character? Low self-esteem? Desire to please everyone? Inability to defend your opinion?
No. More precisely, the reasons can be different: someone is convinced that he will offend the petitioner with his refusal, someone feels he is initially obliged to this person, someone thinks that the manifestation of aggression is indecent. Some don’t understand at all why “I always do everything to my own detriment and feel like complete crap.” When it comes to unwanted requests in a working relationship, then there are so many complexities involved in general, the feeling of “he is my boss” alone is worth it. Although it happens the other way around: subordinates hang their requests on the leader. And he takes them and sits with them until the neurosis of the evening in the office.
Let's immediately discard the options when you can and want to respond to the request, that is, the request is appropriate for you, justified, environmentally friendly (in the sense that you are able to actually fulfill it, and you don’t need to fly to Mars). We are talking only about cases when you do not want to fulfill this request. Well, you don’t want to lend money again, especially since you gave it twice before, and so far you haven’t seen this money back. Well, you don’t want to take your neighbor’s cat for a week while the neighbor is away. You don’t want to do this work again, which your colleague should actually do, but it seems like you don’t want to spoil your relationship with her, so you will harness it again. That's what it's about.
How to say "no" and not feel guilty?
Firstly, it is a delusion that “no” is unjustified aggression, pettiness, resentment for others. More precisely, “no” is the protection of your boundaries: personality, freedom, employment, physical body, after all. Imagine for a moment such an analogy: the state border. On it periodically go back and forth border guards with dogs and machine guns. There may be some surveillance going on. Somewhere there is a checkpoint, somewhere there is barbed wire. And then suddenly an attack from the outside: a group of armed persons is trying to cross the border. The actions that are being taken to stop them - is this unjustified aggression towards violators? Is it petty? Is it embarrassing for them? It is clear that it is not.
Another thing is that you can place these border guards, dogs, checkpoints every centimeter, wrap everything with barbed wire, scatter mines along the entire border, and God forbid, some bird flew or the wind blew - just half a day shooting and explosions. So no one will ever get to you. So you will sit alone. For preventive purposes, periodically set dogs on passers-by or conduct military exercises in the direction of other states, test new bombs on their territory. So they will be afraid of you and are also unlikely to show up, because they are reluctant to be friends with you. I'm not talking about such options now. If someone needs to protect himself so much, or vice versa, so check the protection of others - please, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a normal, democratic, coexistence of neighboring states on equal terms, when one of the states is trying to use the resources of another state, and it is against it.
Secondly, you refuse not personally to the person, but to his request. Separate these two concepts. Here again, let's imagine your colleague comes and says: give me, please, a thousand before the salary? You never know for what reasons you do not want to lend her money. Remember that in fact, you have nothing against this colleague, she is a nice girl with her cockroaches (and who doesn’t have them), but I don’t want to give her money. So refuse this request. Not a girl.
Thirdly, do not apologize and make excuses. You can explain your position, but you should not apologize and make excuses. “Sorry that we can’t let you in,” the border guards say, looking down guiltily. “We would love to let you in…but we are on a leash and muzzled…Sorry. We will definitely next time. Forgive me, please, ”the dogs say, lowering their muzzles guiltily. And a group of armed comrades, meanwhile, quietly makes their way deep into the depths, remembering that such mums live here. And how to explain without making excuses - “I can’t help you with this project now, because I have a meeting in half an hour and I need to prepare.” Or: “I can’t lend you money, because I already gave it twice, you haven’t returned it yet.” Or “I can’t go to the bar with you because I want to go home, I’m tired and I have a lot to do at home.”
Fourth, do not overestimate the possible damage from your refusal. They didn’t let a group of armed persons into the territory, they went to their place, poor things, fell to the ground, broke their weapons, cried, and never, never came to you again. Or they stopped considering you as their friend. (Seriously? And before that, when they were going to take advantage of you, did they really consider you their best friend? Out of friendly motives, they ask for money, something like: “I’ll help my friend now, I’ll ask him for a loan, but don’t give it back will".)
Fifth, when you say "no", do not show with your body that "yes." "No entry!" the border guards shouted, pointing with their hands and head where they could safely walk past them. No, no, no, and no need to nod your head at the same time.
Well, purely technical tricks:
if it’s for work, try to thank you for reaching out. "Thank you for coming to me specifically with this problem." This will help you give the impression that you are actually responsive and considerate to others.
rephrase the request (“do you want me to go to Ikea with you on Saturday and help you choose a closet?”). This will give you time to consider whether you want to comply with this request or not. In addition, you thereby let the requester understand that you have heard and understood his request. I mean, you obviously don't care. If you can’t decide right now, take your time, say you’ll call back, come back later, think about it in the evening, etc.
after paraphrasing and thanking you, you probably already understood by this time whether you want to do it or not. If you do not want, justify why: desires, opportunities, preferences. Aloud. “I’m going to go to the dacha on Saturday, so I won’t have time to go to Ikea with you.” "Last time I helped you on this project, I came home very late at night, I don't want to do this anymore." If you still don’t understand whether you want to meet halfway or not: see paragraph one of the technical methods
Say "no" really. "Then no".
If the situation is hopeless and you have to agree, despite all your desires-preferences-gratitude-opportunities:
mark the boundaries. “Yes, I will do this report for you, but this is the last time, I don’t want to anymore.” “Yes, I will give you money, but not a thousand, but five hundred, I don’t have more.”
Homework: Try to work out with someone in pairs. Let this person play the role of a “beggar” and let him try different options for you: threats, blackmail, pleading, whining, trading, fawning, fawning, and you try to resist and answer “no”. Some options will seem easy to you, and some difficult - and focus on them.
In real work with a client on this request, in addition to training like the one above and others, we would simultaneously deal with the causes of difficulties, find out what beliefs underlie this “inability” of the client to say “no”, and thereby work in two planes: his skill and what's in his head.
So summary....
1 Yes NO - reasoned.
2. NO - after active listening and feedback.
3. NO - looped for those who do not want to listen and hear. Or does not want to understand.
In severe cases, all three methods are used.
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Do you easily turn down colleagues or relatives who come to you with requests? For many, this is a real challenge. Often we are afraid to say “no”, even when it is extremely difficult for us to fulfill the request of a person. This is how we simply avoid conflict and guilt. But such a habit often only causes irritation and makes you put off your own life for later. The ability to properly refuse is useful to any person. And our article will help you master this skill.
We are in website We've put together 10 tips to help you learn how to fight back and maintain good relationships.
10. Understand what you are willing to give up
Before you build relationships with other people, you should understand what is really important to you and what is not. To do this, write a list of people, activities and events to which you want to devote your time and energy. After all until you prioritize, it will be difficult for you to understand what is really worth spending your time on. Otherwise, you may be tormented by doubts about whether you did the right thing by saying “no”.
9. Offer a choice
Perhaps this is the easiest way to refuse. After declining the person's request, offer them an alternative, a "consolation prize". For example, if you can't meet a friend tonight that you haven't seen in months, promise to do so in a week. The main thing in this case is to try to be really useful to the one who turned to you, and not act out of a desire to get rid of guilt.
8. Express empathy
If you can't help a person, show him that you heard him and understood what he needs. Tell him that he is dealing with a difficult task or that he is doing his best to solve it, cheer him up. This will help the interlocutor feel better and easier to survive the rejection.
7. Say "no" to the request, not the person.
Do not worry that your refusal will seriously offend the interlocutor, because you have no complaints about him, do not reject him and do not spoil your relationship with him. Your refusal to comply with his request only says that now you do not have the opportunity to help him. Of course, it is important to be polite and friendly, you can praise a person or his work, but still remain firm by saying “no”. This behavior will make it clear to the other that you do not reject him.
6. Explain the reason for the refusal
Not all of us are able to say no without giving a reason. Yes, and the person who turned to us with a request often waits for at least a minimum of words. It is not worth indulging in long, lengthy explanations; it is better to briefly state the circumstances that served as the reason for the refusal. Perhaps you are in a hurry to see a doctor, or you are too tired and need a rest, or you do not want to take on a case for moral reasons. Tell the interviewer honestly about your motives.
5. Practice saying "no"
All knowledge will remain only in theory if you do not begin to practice the ability to refuse different people. For starters, you can choose very simple situations with minimal risk. For example, say "no" when a waiter in a cafe offers dessert.
Try another way to practice: seclude yourself in a room and repeat the word “no” 10 times. This will give you confidence in the right situation.
5. Wrap your rejection in a compliment.
Reject the interlocutor's request, but in such a way that your refusal looks like a compliment to him. For example, "Thank you for remembering me" or "I'm glad you asked me first". You can talk about how important his work is, express gratitude to him and wish him good luck.
4. Be prepared to choose
Sometimes it's hard for us to say "no" not because we are afraid of offending people, but because we are sorry to miss an interesting opportunity. In this case, we forget that refusal is not only a missed chance, but also a compromise. Take note: when we refuse one request, we are agreeing to something more important. In this case, we simply choose one of two possibilities. When you
Most likely, after that it will become clear to you that nothing terrible will happen: resentment, discontent, anger are possible. But nothing catastrophic will happen, it is a personal human right to experience certain emotions. This will not automatically make you bad, but rather less "comfortable".
It is up to you to choose - to live in the interests of others, scolding yourself for your weakness, or to lead a really interesting, rich life in harmony with yourself.
And what method do you use to get rid of shifting someone else's responsibility onto yourself? Share with us in the comments.
Are you afraid to say no when your friends or family ask for a favor?
How to say no without feeling guilty
For many people, saying “no” is really very difficult. We are afraid to offend or make a bad impression and agree to do again and again what we do not want or what we simply do not have enough time for!
If you know yourself, then these 10 tips will help you tactfully refuse a person if you cannot or do not want to fulfill his request.
Photo: pixabay.com
1. First, let's understand
Before agreeing to help someone or not, prioritize. Determine for yourself what is important to you, what is secondary, and do not proceed to less important tasks until you have completed the main ones. It will save you half of the pain you have in trying to figure out whether to do something or not.
2. Suggest an alternative
The best way to turn someone down is to offer something "delicious". For example, if you can't meet up with an old friend tonight, then make an appointment in a week. You should not agree to something just out of guilt, because when you can, you will gladly do a person a favor.
3. Express regret
If someone asks you for something you can't do, then make it clear that you are sincerely sorry that you cannot help. It really softens the rejection a lot.
Photo: pixabay.com 4. Say "no" to the request, but not to the person.
What means? If you cannot fulfill a request, this does not mean at all that you treat the person badly. Focus on the fact that you would be happy to help such a wonderful person, but unfortunately now there is simply no way.
5. Explain the reason
This does not mean making excuses, just explain to the person why you cannot help him. Be honest, maybe you're just tired and want to rest, or maybe you really have serious reasons: going to the doctor or urgent business. Do it out of respect for the person.
Photo: pixabay.com 6. Learning to say "no"
Some people find it incredibly difficult to refuse, they feel like the embodiment of evil! Start saying "no" in the most basic situations: turning down a waiter who asks you to order another dessert or a pushy salesman.
- What can I say, there are people who simply use the responsiveness of kind people. But good does not mean trouble-free! Adequate people normally accept rejection.
7. Compliment+
When refusing someone, by all means try to say at least once, “Unfortunately, I can’t help you, but it’s very nice that you asked me in the first place.” This instantly smooths out any shadows of discontent.
Photo: pixabay.com 8. fallback
Sometimes the fear of rejection arises because we don't want to lose a new opportunity. In this case, along with the refusal, offer another service that is now within your power.
9. Be firm
This is especially true for the closest people, when they come again and again with the same request and using manipulation. Do not give up, you can hug them while doing this, but do not be fooled by manipulation, your "no" should remain unchanged, especially in the case of children.
A photo:
Sometimes we say yes because the offer promises us relaxation, new emotions, or other bonuses. However, more often than not, we experience nothing but disappointment: we feel bad, we feel obligated, offended, or we feel that we are under pressure. And when we are forced to say no, we are almost guaranteed to feel guilty.
Ellen Hendricksen, Ph.D., psychologist, and Savvy Psychologist blogger, who often finds herself in similar situations, wrote a short note for Quickanddirtytips.com, where she explained why everyone should learn to say “no” without feeling guilty, and suggested mastering 7 easy ways to quit. We suggest that you familiarize yourself with this small but useful list, written with some irony.
How to learn to say "no" and not feel guilty
Let's start with why you shouldn't feel guilty when you have to say no! First, guilt is an emotion that occurs when you do something wrong. If you have hurt someone, it is appropriate to feel guilty. When you say no, it can create some additional hassle for the person you are refusing, because now they have to ask someone else or otherwise rethink the situation - but all this is far from causing pain and harm.
To make this more visual, imagine a flowchart in which the word "no" simply sends someone in a different direction. Humans are purposeful and creative beings. If you tell them no, they will reorient themselves and take a different path. You are not Obi Wan Kenobi - it rarely happens that one person is someone's only hope. There are almost always other options that can provide the desired benefit to those who need it.
Second, we often feel guilty because we not only think we are hurting the other person, but we expect them to retaliate. We think, “She will hate me,” “He will be angry,” or “I will be fired.” Our brain plays out the worst-case scenario. Instead, let's take a step back and look at other, much more likely possibilities that our brain misses, immediately focusing on the most negative scenario.
Ask yourself - what could be the more likely scenario? Perhaps the one who asks you for something will be disappointed at first, but will understand you and get help somewhere else. Or let's better generate the most likely scenario this way: what happens when someone says no to you? Do you start to rage, your blood vessels burst and foam starts to come out of your mouth? I think no. So why this double standard? It is reasonable to expect others to react in exactly the same way as you - that is, it is quite reasonable.
So, here are 7 ways to say “no!”:
Method #1: Suggest an alternative.
This is the easiest way to say no. Decline the request, but offer a consolation prize. "My schedule just doesn't allow me to proofread my dissertation before the due date, but here's a link to a great article on the five biggest dissertation writing mistakes to avoid." Just make sure you don't offer an alternative purely out of guilt; your goal is to try to really be helpful to the questioner, not just to feel less guilty.
Method #2: Engage empathy when you say no.
Showing that you actually heard and understood the person's request will help them feel better, even if you ultimately can't do anything for them. Confirm that he is doing his best or that he is dealing with a challenging task. For example, “You do your best to make a great wedding for your sister; I would love to take over the organization to free your hands, but right now I just can't."
Method #3: Refer to something objective.
Explain your unavailability due to your schedule, workload, other responsibilities, or other external objective circumstances that are beyond your control. And, to avoid embarrassment during the continuation of the question “Are you busy this week? Then what about the next one?", add "I'll let you know if anything changes."
Method #4: Refer to something subjective.
In the same vein as you bring external circumstances, use internal subjective factors that affect you. For example, refer to your taste, skills, style. For example, "I'm going to refuse to host this event, because being on stage is just not for me."
Method number 5: Wrap the refusal with a compliment.
Say "no", but in a way that this "no" is a compliment for someone who asks you for something. "Thank you for thinking of me" or "I appreciate the opportunity you gave me and for asking me in the first place." Personally, I try to do this when fundraisers stop me on the street - I only sometimes donate, but I always tell them that they are doing important work and wish them good luck.
Method number 6: Stick to your arguments, do not lose vigilance.
We've come to more advanced tips. Some loved ones will pressure you and ask for more than once, or will pester you to try until you are completely tired (some of these loved ones may not be more than 10 years old; two such creatures live in my house) .
In such cases, it's okay to use the classic broken record technique - just give the same answer over and over again. This does not mean that you are soulless - you can empathize with them, embrace them, but you must not allow your answer to transform from "no" to "maybe" and - in the end - to "Well, okay, just once and "Fine, let's do it again." Just stick to the original - "no".
Method #7: Say "no" without apologizing.
This is the last lesson about "no". Just like guilt, apology occurs when you do something wrong. It may seem like there's a fine line between being unapologetically and being rude, but trust me, a softly said "no" can be both kind and polite. The questioner won't even miss that "I'm so sorry" of yours. For example, “What a great idea to make handmade reunion jewelry! However, it should be noted that I am not a woman. But I can make good sangria.” Ta-dam! No apology is required.
Final tip: Make your "no" quick and clear. Don't delay your answer by saying what you will think about it, saying "maybe" or answering "yes" and then "no". You may feel like saying no is wrong, but in the long run, a clear, timely response is more polite and truly in the best interest of the one asking you for something.
For those of us who like to think that we can do anything, the ability to say no can seem like too much of a disadvantage. But we don't have to be supermoms, jack-of-all-trades, or "you-can-always-count-on-me" personas for our friends. And when we don't try to do all this, we get our bonuses: time, energy, and - most importantly - respect.
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consumption, we are changing the world together!
