There is an exam in logic.
Professor:
There are 500 bricks on board the plane. One brick fell out of the plane. How many bricks are left on board?
Well, it's easy! 499!
Correctly. Next question. How to put an elephant in the refrigerator in three steps?
1. Open the refrigerator. 2. Place an elephant there. 3. Close the refrigerator.
1. Open the refrigerator. 2. Take out the elephant. 3. Put down the deer. 4. Close the refrigerator.
Fine! The King of Beasts Lion has a birthday! All the animals came to congratulate him, except for one. Why?
Because the deer is still in the fridge.
Fabulous! says the professor.
Of course it can! After all, all the crocodiles left to celebrate the birthday of the lion.
Well! And now the last question.
Grandma walked through an empty swamp, but she still died. What happened to her?
Uh-uh... Maybe a heart attack?
But no! A brick fell on her, which, as you remember, fell out of the plane. In a week, my dear, come to me for a retake! ..
There is an exam in logic. Professor:
There are 500 bricks on board the plane. One brick fell out of the plane. How many bricks are left on board?
Student:
— 499!
- Correctly. Next question. How to put an elephant in the refrigerator in three steps?
- 1. Open the refrigerator. 2. Place an elephant there. 3. Close the refrigerator.
- Farther. How to put a deer in the refrigerator in four steps?
- 1. Open the refrigerator. 2. Take out the elephant. 3. Put down the deer. 4.
Close refrigerator.
- Fine! The King of Beasts Lion has a birthday! All the animals came to congratulate him, except for one. Why?
“Because the deer is still in the refrigerator.
- Fabulous! says the professor. —
Let's go further. Can grandma walk through the crocodile swamp?
— Of course it can! After all, all the crocodiles left to celebrate the birthday of the lion.
- Good! And now the last question.
Grandma walked through an empty swamp, but she died anyway. What happened to her?
— Uh-uh Maybe a heart attack?
- But no! A brick fell on her, which, as you remember, fell out of the plane. In a week, my dear, come to me for a retake! ..
Professor: There are 500 bricks on board the plane. One brick fell out of the plane.
How many bricks are left on board?
Student: Well, that's easy! 499!
Professor: Right. Next question. How to put an elephant in the refrigerator in 3 steps?
Student: 1. Open the fridge, 2. Put the elephant in there. 3. Close the refrigerator!
Professor: Go ahead. How to Put a Deer in the Fridge in Four Steps
?
Student: 1. Open the refrigerator. 2. Pull out the elephant. 3. Put down the deer.
4. Close the refrigerator!
Professor: Excellent! Next question. The lion king of beasts has a birthday
! All the animals came, except for one. Why?
Student: Because the deer is still in the fridge! Professor: Great
! Further. Can grandma walk through the crocodile swamp? Student:
Of course it can! After all, all crocodiles at the birthday party are "lions"
!
Professor: Good! And now the last question. Grandma walked through an empty swamp, but she still died! What happened to her?
Student: E-eh! Did she drown?
Professor: No, no! A brick that fell out of the plane fell on her.
! TO "RELOAD"!
3 years ago
[best of the day] [top of the week] [best of the month] [random joke]
There is an exam in medical school. A student comes in.
The professor asks:
The student replied:
- Hee hee!
Professor:
- Come retake next time!
Another student comes in, the professor asks the same question:
What rises in 5 seconds?
Student blushing:
- Hee hee!
Professor:
- Get out of the audience before I give you two!
The next student comes in and the professor asks him the same question.
Student, without hesitation:
- Pressure.
Professor, with delight:
- Well done! I give you five! And tell those two that “Hee-hee” rises in 7 seconds!
The student is often late for lectures. The professor asks irritably:
- Did you serve in the army?
Student:
- Yes.
Professor:
- Well, what did the foreman tell you when you were late for the formation?
Student:
- "I wish you good health, sir lieutenant!" ...
Student:
– Professor, how is brain intelligence measured?
Professor:
- You, student, in matchboxes!
- Why?
- Because the best containers for shit have not been invented!
A professor at an exam in economics asks a student - what are the banks in terms of capital? The student answers - liter and half liter. Professor - and all? Student - yes, that's all, less jars are called, and more bottles.
At the exam, the student took the ticket and immediately put it back, while his face was contorted in horror. Professor surprised:
- Why did you put the ticket back?
- Professor, it was the 13th ticket, and I believe in omens.
- All this is nonsense, - the professor said and began to look for the 13th ticket.
The student answered the ticket for "five" and, satisfied, left.
In the corridor he was surrounded and rescued:
- Did you know everything?
- No, only the 13th ticket.
Exam at the Agricultural Institute.
- Can a cow have an abortion? the professor asks.
Student, with a smirk:
- Well, professor, you seem to have hit hard!
The lecture began. One student was late.
Lecturer:
- Why are you late?
- I participated in rally competitions.
After a while, another student comes in.
The professor asks:
- Are you also with the rally?
The student was stunned:
- No, I smoked...
Professor - student in the exam:
- What types of childbirth do you know?
Student:
- Premature, belated, wrong.
Professor:
- More details, please.
Student:
- Premature - a year before the wedding, belated - three years after the death of her husband, wrong - when a neighbor gives birth instead of a wife.
Exam at the Agricultural Academy. The student answers perfectly, and then he is asked the question:
- Tell me, is it possible to have an abortion on a cow?
The student grabs his stomach:
- Oh, professor, I urgently need to get out! It took a lot!
- Come on out.
The student jumps out of the classroom and runs into the toilet. Another student is standing there and calmly, without haste, scores a joint. The first student asks him:
- Listen, do you know if a cow can have an abortion?
The second student calmly, slowly, lights up, inhales, exhales the smoke:
- M-yes-ah, man, you hit ...
At the institute, at the exam, the professor asks the student a question:
- Tell me, what is the function of the Musculus Greamaster muscle?
Student:
- Professor, this is the muscle that raises the scrotum.
- Correctly. What else does she do?
- I'm not exactly sure, but if she is pinched by the door, she bulges her eyes, opens her mouth and makes her ligaments yell in an inhuman voice!
Institute exam. The student knows nothing, but the philanthropic professor has been caught.
- All right, answer at least the simplest question, name some dielectric.
Silence.
- Imagine: spring, you and a girl in a dark room, alone ...
- Ebony, professor!
- That's right, young man, but in our time there was celluloid.
A student is walking through the institute, and a bearded professor is meeting him.
- Excuse me, professor, can I ask you a question?
- Oh sure.
- Tell me, when you go to bed, do you put your beard under the covers or put it on top?
I don't know, I didn't pay attention.
- Well, I'm sorry...
A week later, this professor, with bags under his eyes, meets the same student, grabs his breasts with shaking hands and shouts:
- I can’t sleep for a week because of you: and so - and so uncomfortable !!!
A professor once at a university asked his students this question.
Is everything that exists created by God?
One student boldly replied, "Yes, created by God."
"God created everything?" the professor asked.
"Yes, sir," replied the student.
The professor asked, "If God created everything, then God
created evil, since it exists. And according to the principle that our deeds define ourselves, then God is evil."
The student fell silent when he heard this answer. The professor was very pleased with himself. He boasted to the students that he proved once again that faith in
God is a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said "May I ask you a question, professor?"
"Of course," replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked "Professor, does the cold exist?"
"What's the question? Of course there is. Have you ever been cold?"
The students laughed at the young man's question. The young man replied, "Actually, sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we think of as cold is really the absence of heat. A person or thing can be examined to see if it has or transmits energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees Fahrenheit) is the complete absence of heat.All matter becomes inert and unable to react at this temperature.Cold does not exist.
We created this word to describe how we feel in the absence of heat."
The student continued. - "Professor, does darkness exist?"
The professor replied, "Of course there is."
The student replied, “You are wrong again, sir. Darkness does not exist either.
Darkness is really the absence of light. We can study light, but not darkness. We can use Newton's prism to split white light into many colors and explore the different wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a space is? You measure how much light is presented. Is not it? Darkness is a concept that a person uses to describe what is
A professor once at the university decided to prove that God is a myth and asked his students this question.
- Everything that exists is created by God?
One student answered boldly: - Yes, it was created by God.
- God created everything? asked the professor.
"Yes, sir," replied the student.
The professor asked:
- If God created everything, then God created evil, since it exists. And according to the principle that our deeds define ourselves, then God is evil.
The student fell silent when he heard this answer. The professor was very pleased with himself. He boasted to the students that he proved once again that belief in God is a myth.
Another student raised his hand and said:
- May I ask you a question, professor?
"Of course," replied the professor.
The student stood up and asked:
- Professor, does the cold exist?
- What's question? Of course there is. Have you never been cold?
The students laughed at the young man's question.
The young man replied:
“Actually, sir, there is no cold. According to the laws of physics, what we think of as cold is actually the absence of heat. A person or object can be examined to see if it has or transmits energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees Fahrenheit) is the complete absence of heat. All matter becomes inert and unable to react at this temperature. Cold does not exist. We created this word to describe how we feel in the absence of heat.
The student continued:
- Professor, darkness exists?
The professor replied:
- Of course there is.
The student replied:
- You're wrong again, sir. Darkness also does not exist. Darkness is really the absence of light. We can study light, but not darkness. We can use Newton's prism to split white light into many colors and explore the different wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a space is? You measure how much light is presented. Is not it? Darkness is a concept that a person uses to describe what happens in the absence of light.
The psychology professor explains:
- The best way to save a girl from depression is a kiss.
One student asks:
- Professor, how to bring a girl to depression?
The professor, tired of pulling a student into a three, says:
- Well, okay ... Tell me, what subject were lectures on?
The student is silent.
- So ... Tell me at least, who read the lectures?
The student is silent.
- Leading question: you or me?
Teacher:
- What is your last name?
Student:
- Ivanov (smiles).
- Why are you smiling? the professor asks.
- I'm glad I answered the first question well.
This story happened at the Physics Department of Moscow State University. There are three large auditoriums, which are located side by side and are connected by a common corridor where they store all sorts of rubbish (allowances, etc.). Two passages lead from each audience to this corridor: to the right and to the left of the blackboard (that means, behind the lecturer's back). One day, a very well-known professor at Moscow State University gave a lecture with abandon, when suddenly he ran out of chalk. He reacted quite normally: he asked the first student he came across from the first desk to go to the next room for chalk. Then the story began, during which both the professor and the student proved to be extraordinary brakes, although maybe they just have something wrong with their eyesight (or with their heads).
The student left the door on the left, turned right and entered the right door of the same auditorium, thinking that he had already reached the next one. The audience already started to have fun. The student did not notice anything and asked the professor if he could give some chalk to the next audience. The professor calmly replied that they themselves had run out of chalk. The young man returned by the same route, went back through the left door and said that they also did not have chalk. To which the professor calmly replied that he knew this, since they also came from there and asked for chalk.
Everyone except this student and the professor was already just rolling on the floor.
At the veterinary faculty, a professor asks a student:
- What would you do if the horse fell and broke his collarbone?
The student begins to explain. The professor interrupts him:
“First of all, you should call the zoological museum and report that you have found the only horse in the world with a collarbone.
On the exam, the student does not know the answer to any of the questions. The professor, who has lost patience, begins to yell:
- Why, you're an ass! (To one of the assistants) Bring me a bunch of hay, please!
Student:
- I'd like a cup of coffee, please...
Old professor in the exam:
- So, who thinks that he knows the subject for 5 points?
A couple of students raised their hands.
Professor:
- Let's take notes.
And it sets up great.
- Who thinks he knows the subject for four points?
Ten people raised their hands. He also collects marks, puts four.
- Who believes that on 3?
They raised their hands - the same story.
- So, so - the rest are unsuccessful, come to the retake.
Student:
- When is the transfer?
Professor:
- Well, let's go now. So! Who thinks he knows the subject at 5 points?
A schoolboy, a student, and a math professor are discussing poker strategy.
Schoolboy: If the opponent has aces four times in a row, then they will definitely not win the fifth time, because statistics teach that in the long run the chances should be equalized.
Student: That's not true. Statistics just teaches that previous independent events do not affect the future in any way. Villain's chances of getting aces continue to be the same as before.
Professor: Both of you are wrong. Statistics teach that if an opponent has aces four times in a row, then this opponent is a cheater, and you better leave the hell out of it.
An old professor asks a question to his students at a lecture:
- How to hammer an earthworm into the ground?
Student:
- You need to take it, smear it with epoxy, and when the epoxy dries, the worm will harden, it can be hammered into the ground like a nail!
At the next lecture, the professor approaches his student, hands him a bouquet of flowers:
- This is for you from my wife!
He takes out a gold coin from his pocket: - A graduate student?
What book contains what the student should know.
- Assistant professor?
- Where is this book?
- Professor?
- Where is the assistant professor.
Professor:
- Do you know what electric current is?
Student:
- I knew, but I forgot.
The professor gave him excellent marks. The assistant is confused.
- For what?!
Do you know what an electric current is?
- Naturally, no. Nobody knows.
- You see - no one knows, but he forgot.
There is an exam. Suddenly the door to the classroom swings open, and a completely drunk student appears on the threshold. And he asks the professor: - Professor, can you take ex-s-substitutions from a slightly tipsy student? The professor looked, thought: "brave student, damn him!", and said: - Well, I can! The student turns around and shouts through the open door: - Guys, bring Vasya in!
