Reading 4 min.

How to find yourself? Paradoxical as it may seem, but in order to find yourself, it is enough not to lose yourself. Often, instead of finding himself through a search, a person moves even further away from himself and sometimes loses himself irretrievably. We could say that our soul is eternal, that life is perfect, but if this is really so ... why then is the soul so often restless, why do we often have to worry so much? It is worth paying attention to one key moment that can change your whole future life. You are ready? What desire actually pushes a person to start searching for himself? Think...don't rush...feel. Do you really want to find yourself, or do you just want to get rid of the problems that make life difficult or even unbearable? Perhaps you are already beginning to understand what I'm getting at? How not to lose yourself? I recommend following the following principle: if you want to solve problems, then say “I want to solve problems”, if you want to become calmer, then say “I ...

How to find yourself?

Paradoxical as it may seem, but in order to find yourself, it happens enough not to lose yourself. Often, instead of finding himself through a search, a person moves even further away from himself and sometimes loses himself irrevocably. We could say that our soul is eternal, that life is perfect, but if it really is… why, then, is the soul so often restless, why do you often have to worry so much? It is worth paying attention to one key moment, which the maybe change your entire life. You are ready? What desire actually pushes a person to start searching for himself? Think... don't rush... feel. Do you really want to find yourself, or do you just want to get rid of the problems that make life difficult or even unbearable? Perhaps you are already beginning to understand what I'm getting at?

How not to lose yourself?

I recommend following the following principle: if you want to solve problems, then say “I want to solve problems”, if you want to become calmer, then say “I want to become calmer”, and only if you want to find yourself (for example, because you are convinced that you managed to lose yourself) - then say "I want to find myself."

Frankly speaking.

I can't imagine - how can you lose yourself- after all, here I am. Perhaps this means our state, which does not satisfy us. If this is so, then shouldn't it be said - "I am not satisfied with my condition, I want to change it for the better, because my condition is what directly forms my life."

What determines our condition -

Here's the key question we've finally come to.Beliefs are a formidable and, perhaps, the main enemy of happiness. When a person has beliefs (more often beliefs “have” a person), he becomes their hostage. And as soon as something in his life does not happen as he expects, as soon as he does not have what, as he is convinced, he must have, an internal conflict immediately arises. There is no longer a state of happiness, no matter how ridiculous it may be, but it can reach a whole tragedy that can plunge a person into a deep depression.

What to do?

If suddenly this happened to you, and you do not know how to get out of this state, then It's time to say "stop" to yourself. You can distract yourself, find something that will bring joy, something more important for yourself, against the background of which this experience will no longer be perceived as such a global one. But is this a solution, no, this is an escape. The solution is when I muster up the courage to say to myself - "come to your senses, your happiness does not depend on the fulfillment of" your "plans, it does not depend on how much you have what you want to have." What do I do next? I stop demanding that life conform to my ideas, try to bend it for myself, everywhere and everywhere try to exercise my control. I may be asked - "but what then remains"? And there is so little and so much at the same time. It is not enough to recognize life in the face of other people and phenomena as free, to give it the right to be “loved” on an equal footing with itself. A lot is to start interacting with "life" without suppression and dictate based on beliefs, demands. Here, in this choice, respect and co-creation begin; I remember that not only am I a free being, but we are, what is around us is alive, just as divine as I am. At this moment, I say to myself - what I called freedom and my rights was nothing but selfishness, which I justified with lofty goals and words, completely driven by fear, I did not know what I was doing. I was the executioner who created my own hell, my own oblivion. And here i find myself, my name is Human.

When hell is over.

And now that I know my name, I want to understand what it means. And I begin to search for the answer to the question posed. The great limit of knowledge of the inner world and the outer world. Own feelings and thoughts, own deeds. This is the wealth that I discovered in myself. And most importantly, I am no longer looking for myself, but I know myself and the world around, recognizing it as equal. The path of my life turns from stone-paved fear into a path of respect that will one day lead me to a path of wisdom that will leave a shining mark on eternity. The path of wisdom is the true path of the traveler, whose name is Man. This is the road of abundance, there are no losses on it, only gains. Truth is strength, respect is life. (c) Man.

Instruction

Be yourself. Do not try to try on different roles, because there is only one life, and there is no place for theatrical play in it. The formation of personality occurs with age, and it is normal when teenagers try on images one by one. But an adult must know exactly his place in this life.

Don't fit in with people. Communication with friends, colleagues, romantic and family relationships - they all leave their mark, but you can not let them change you beyond recognition. For example, if someone thinks you're tight, you don't have to dance on the bar in a nightclub in response. Most likely, you are just shy and introverted, which is not a bad character trait at all.

Do what you love. To find yourself, you need to find a calling, and only in it is it possible not to lose your personality. If at work you simply follow other people's orders, do everything “under pressure” and adapt to your colleagues and boss, you should think about changing your position or profession.

Set priorities, don't chase everything at once. Torn between work and family, you can forget about yourself and subsequently feel confused. Decide what is important to you at the moment and focus on that.

Stay on your own. A person who wants not to lose himself often tries to communicate more and not close himself in. But this is not always the right approach. Loneliness also bears fruit, because a person has the opportunity to think about what is happening around him. At this time, he belongs only to himself, and this gives good results. This self-improvement should be done daily, and it has nothing to do with grooming or cooking in an empty kitchen. Learn to just sometimes sit in silence, walk alone in the parks, watch the city from a bench or from a window.

Do self-education. Continuous personal improvement does not happen by itself, for this you will have to put in some effort. It is not necessary to go to university or enroll in courses. There is always an opportunity to buy books or find useful information on the Internet. So you will feel solid ground under your feet and will not be afraid to take the wrong step to the side.

Already in the first months of a relationship, you will notice that there is less time left for your hobbies. You think you'd rather spend the evening with him, and manicures and yoga can wait, right? Not! Putting your interests second is bad for the relationship and for yourself: it turns out that you are subordinate to his desires and schedule, even if you both deny it. It is critically important to take care of your personal desires. So get your nails done, ride your bike, or do whatever you've always been putting off. And if you have already planned something, do not cancel it, even if he offers hugs on the couch. Wait!

2. Chat with your friends more often

Often, after activating their personal lives, women almost stop communicating with friends in real life. Not only does this seem disrespectful to those with whom she has been associated for many years, but also partly deprives her of their support - no matter how cool her new boyfriend is. To prevent this from happening, schedule a regular meeting with friends. And don't ask him if you can go, but let him know.

3. Drive alone for the weekend

If you have long wanted to escape from the city for the weekend, but he is busy or doesn’t really want to, go alone! No need to worry about the relationship, use this time for yourself. You will come back with a lot of impressions about new places, food, people, and you will have more things to talk about.

4. See your family

It is not necessary to take it with you every time you meet with your parents. It is good for you to spend time with those who love you, except for a man. Moreover, he may not know all your family stories and jokes and not share your love for some relatives.

5. Explain to him why you need personal space.

If you start to follow all these points, a man may get upset because he was pushed into the background. Yes, and you may feel like you're pushing him away. Explain to him that personal time just strengthens relationships and relieves sad thoughts. But if, after long conversations, he still does not understand why you need all this, it makes sense to think about whether you even need such a relationship in which you gradually lose your individuality.

There is an expression: "The farther, the closer." We often use it in the context of describing our relationships with others. Although we pronounce it with irony, there is a grain of truth in this expression. Moving away from people, we yearn for them, we lack communication. And from the constant flickering before the eyes, the partner does not become closer and dearer.

Being with each other 24 hours a day has nothing to do with true Intimacy.

Proximity and boundaries

True Intimacy occurs when we find a balance in setting our personal boundaries, the boundaries of the other person, and the common space between us. This is the territory where two people meet, each of which has a real idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhis personal boundaries. This is the set of internal beliefs, thoughts, values ​​and feelings that we are not ready to exchange and whose integrity we are ready to defend even at the cost of losing intimacy with another.

This is only ours, about which we are ready to speak publicly and what we are ready to defend. This is an internal constitution, a set of rules that we proclaim to the outside world so that others know what we are ready to put up with and what we are not. Clear personal boundaries are not about selfishness and inflated self-esteem. Here we are talking about self-respect, which is a strong support for respecting the feelings and opinions of others.

On the contrary, more often blurred personal boundaries or their absence leads to problems in relationships. The inability to say “no” to others, the desire to please and the devaluation of our own feelings makes us hostage to others and leads to neurotic relationships.

illustrative example

One day a close friend came to visit you. You were so cordial that he decided to spend the night with you, and his presence was not burdensome for you either. He did not leave the next morning, as he did in the following months. Your home has become his home. You were pleased with the company of a friend, and you enjoyed his presence in your life.

Soon, a friend began to invite his friends to your house. “It's okay, it's more fun to live together,” you might think. Soon you will notice that you will not have enough space in your own house. Happy holidays, noisy companies will become commonplace in your home, although you personally prefer quiet evenings. You will rationalize what is happening and convince yourself that this is normal, because it could be worse.

Unnoticed, in your own house, the guests will give you a guest room, and maybe even offer to go to visit relatives, unwind, so to speak. You have ceased to be the mistress and decide who and when to let into your territory. And now you have only two ways: either silently endure what is happening, or declare your rights and put uninvited guests out the door, once and for all indicating who is the boss in the house.

In the first case, you will step on your own throat, just not to argue with others and maintain good relations. Only these are all illusions: relationships are good when you and those around you feel good in them, when there is mutual respect. If in your house they walk in a herd in dirty shoes, then there is nothing to save for a long time.

In the second case, you will express your feelings and risk being misunderstood. At best, they will twist a finger at the temple and go away, accusing you of inadequacy. At worst, they will ignore the unauthorized protest and never again pay attention to your feelings. That the first, that the second options will not return the former warm feelings and relationships.

It is difficult for others to understand you, since you yourself vaguely understand your desires and the limits of what is permitted in relation to you. You find it difficult to be natural and boldly assert your boundaries for fear of rejection. The need for the company of others, for acceptance is read in your every act. You are infected with the conviction of your own inferiority and dependent on the opinions of others.

We are driven by two main fears: the fear of death and the fear of losing love. All other types of fear are derivatives of these two. The likelihood of being rejected makes us forget about our own desires for the sake of others. The constant violation of personal boundaries makes you suffer, but to refuse this suffering is even worse.

Renunciation of suffering instills in the inside the fear of rejection. It is better for us to maintain the illusion of the presence of others in our lives than to remain in a void that we are afraid to live in. We are not ready to face our loneliness. It seems to us that loneliness is the absence of people around us, but in fact it is not. Loneliness is the inability to feel your own self-sufficiency.

To be self-sufficient is to experience happiness from being with yourself. This is the state when being alone, we feel less alone than in the presence of people. Without this solid foundation, it is impossible to achieve true intimacy with another person. It is important to love yourself unconditionally. At least for reasons of psychological health: it is inconvenient to live life with an unloved person. Any relationship will repeat the scenario in which the partner is perceived as a straw for a drowning man.

How not to lose yourself in a relationship, stay free in a couple, not make constant compromises with yourself?

A responsibility

We look hopefully at the Other, and in the eyes it reads in large letters: “Save me from myself. Let this relationship be serious." Only the seriousness of the relationship is given not by another person, but by ourselves. We are looking for seriousness from the other, while we ourselves defend ourselves with the phrases: "If it is destined, then mine will not leave me anywhere." In fact, such an approach is at least frivolous and irresponsible. This is a way to protect your reluctance to invest in a relationship. We are looking for love, firmly believing that we will find it where another loves us.

Often, after all, how: we are ready to show our feelings only when we have guarantees that we will be reciprocated. Otherwise, why would I open my soul? If he... then I... Bargaining. There is no love here.

Love is where there is naturalness and joy. When there are no questions: “Does he need to write sms first? What will he think? What if he doesn't answer? You need to kindle the fire of love on your own, otherwise we risk living our whole life in the cold and in relationships without intimacy.

Responsibility in relationships is the willingness to work hard on them. If you do not work on relationships, then very soon you will have to play them. It's a paradox, but playing is more energy-consuming than working.

Relinquishing Control

Demanding absolute sincerity from a partner is depriving him of his territory of his own Self. The desire to control is an invasion of other people's personal boundaries. Where there is insufficient understanding of one's own internal boundaries, there will often be a desire to violate those of others. There is no clear understanding of "I am not I".

Our capacity for intimacy is directly related to trust, acceptance of ourselves and others. Controlling people do not know how to surrender to the flow of life, cannot trust other people and have difficulty with emotional and physical intimacy.

Willingness to meet others

The union of a man and a woman exposes children's matrices and complexes. When romantic love recedes, we meet the Other for real. We begin to notice flaws, feel deceived and blame the person for becoming what he always was. To accept the shortcomings of another, you first need to accept yourself with all the shadow sides of our soul. The battle with one's own Shadow is the suppression of one's negative trait and disgust for those who also possess it.

The inability to experience one's feelings in the presence of the Other destroys Intimacy. To allow the Other to be different means to give up the intention to remake, correct or change something in him. In a mature relationship, there is I and the Other. Mutual differences are a value. There is an opportunity to be yourself in relationships, to be different, and also to accept this right for the Other. Do not be horrified by mutual differences, but treat them with curiosity, as a new experience.

In such a union, I recognize the Other's right to be different, as well as my right to be myself. This means the ability to accept the differences of the Other, as well as to see in them opportunities for rapprochement. It is the rejection of projections and illusions. The other is not a set of functions that satisfy your needs, but an individual, with values, attitudes and beliefs inherent only to him.

Naturalness

In allowing the other to be who he has always been, it is important to be yourself. Not to seem, but to be. Our self-esteem is the internalized opinion of others about us. These are other people's thoughts and assessments with which we were infected in deep childhood. A small child has no self-esteem, he does not know whether he is good or bad. For the first time, he gets to know himself through his inner circle. And it is at the border of the first contacts with the environment that the first social feelings appear: shame, guilt, fear.

The situation worsens when we are compared with others. That's when we get a powerful message: being yourself is bad. But if you pretend a little or try to meet other people's expectations, then the likelihood of being rejected will be less.

Child-parent relationships are built on the strict subordination of the younger to the elders. If in childhood they were not interested in our opinion, they did not ask what we like and what not, then most likely, as adults, we will also not understand ourselves and our feelings. The frequent change of desires, life goals, the endless search for ourselves is a manifestation of the fact that we have not yet met ourselves and have not recognized our natural self. And it is unlikely that someone will be able to guess our desires if we ourselves are not fully aware of them.

To be natural is to be able to feel your desires and follow them. To be natural is to make a decision, guided by the criteria of "want-want". Compromises with yourself, hidden feelings and unspoken emotions will sooner or later cause difficulties in relationships. Allowing ourselves to live next to the Other, revealing our hidden feelings, the willingness to bare the soul and show our vulnerability, to be natural allows us to become closer to each other. Being in harmony with ourselves, we create harmony around us.

Ability to be alone

If the center of love is within ourselves, we no longer need crutches in the form of dependent relationships. We no longer need to be saved, because alone with ourselves we gain strength and merge with the source of love.

Once upon a time, I thought about the topic of loneliness for a long time, and after repeating this word many times, I replaced its amazing semantics. Loneliness - One Father. Being alone is not being isolated and feeling abandoned. To be alone means to be alone with the Creator, with a powerful source of energy, and the ability to contemplate one's inner world. This is an opportunity to get to know yourself as a whole, to hear your feelings, to enter into a dialogue with those parts of the Self that were once ousted from our lives. Loving yourself alone is an indicator of your ability to love others.

The farther, the closer

This is not about a specific distance between us, expressed in kilometers. Intimacy is not a state, but a process of conscious life-creation.

To be close and at the same time free in a relationship means not to dissolve in a relationship, thereby losing your own taste. Do not try to merge and become one, depriving yourself and others of personal space.

Intimacy is not when we suffocate, squeezing each other from the deadly embrace of love addiction. We get closer to each other, then we move away. We move away because we feel that we can suffocate and there is a need to breathe a breath of freedom and feel self-sufficient without being tied to anyone. We are getting closer because we are striving for an exchange of energies, but in such a way that we do not lose ourselves, do not forget about everything, with the possibility of always returning to ourselves.

How to start life from scratch and find yourself? You will learn it at Yitzhak Pintosevich's legendary live training "™"! Come and reset your life!

Why it's wrong to start with goal setting

It is difficult to find a person who has never heard in his life that it is very important to set goals. As a business coach, I myself often give people this advice. Indeed, this is very correct advice: if you want to achieve something, set a goal. A correctly set goal mobilizes a person, focuses his attention on achieving it. But it is a question of whether one should always start with setting a goal.

In the universe, action is primary. Those who carefully observed the behavior of children will immediately understand me. I have three children, and while raising them, I see perfectly well that for them, activity is more important than the goal. Aimless redundancy of actions is characteristic of children's behavior. There is no place for reflection and conscious goal setting. The result of the child's actions for the child is unpredictable. Therefore, children are not afraid to make mistakes. Acting randomly, the child learns the main thing: to act in a situation of uncertainty. This skill is often lacking in adults.

Don't be afraid to take action and make mistakes

Awareness follows experience. First the action, then the result, and only then there is an opportunity for a conscious (with goal setting) action. In the process of coaching, I often encounter a situation where a person is “overloaded” with goals.

I once worked with a girl who was struggling with an inferiority complex. Being quite successful in the professional sphere, she suffered acutely from the fact that she "lived someone else's life." It was all about the fact that she spent all her energy on meeting the expectations of her very domineering mother. Despite the fact that she set goals and achieved them, she was a deeply unhappy person. The older a person is, the more certain world he wants to live in. And this is where the trap of awareness lies. Adults differ from children in that they often spend too much time and energy on setting a goal, they strive to calculate everything in such a way as to be sure to avoid failure.

The goal should take a person out of his picture of the world

One of my friends, unfortunately, sees nothing but her children. Her whole world revolves only around her children and their interests. The paradox is that her children are bored with such a mother. She puts all her strength into the children, but instead of gratitude, they are simply rude to her. Subconsciously, her children want to break out of their mother's picture of the world.

People often set goals only within the framework of their picture of the world. Within the framework of the picture of the world, which is formed by their experience. But to act on the basis of previous experience means only to affirm the correctness of one's picture of the world. The picture of the world is therefore a picture because it does not reflect the whole world in its versatility, it is just an imprint that arises as a result of life experience.

The real goal of life is not set, it is found. The real goal does not arise as a projection of previous experience, it takes a person beyond his boundaries. On the one hand, such a goal was not set for me, but at the same time it cannot be said that it was set by me myself. We can say that such a goal itself finds a person. In another way, such a goal is called Meaning.

Meaning is a goal that makes it possible to feel your Value.

The goal is set, the meaning is revealed. This is an intimate encounter with the universe.

“A person should not ask what is the meaning of his life, but rather should realize that he himself is the one to whom the question is addressed,” said Viktor Frankl.

Meaning is what makes it possible to feel, to feel, and not just to understand one's value. And now it is no longer possible to say that I achieve the goal, rather, the Meaning found prompts me to act. Meaning creates Purpose. Destiny is how I practically act in the world, embodying the acquired Meaning.

Here, too, I cannot fail to recall the words of the great psychologist Viktor Frankl: “There is no situation in the world that does not contain a core of meaning. But it is not enough to fill life with meaning, one must perceive it as a mission, realizing one's responsibility for the final result.

Purpose implies responsibility for the realization of the Meaning

“Everyone has their own special calling. Each person is irreplaceable, and his life is unique. And therefore, the task of each person is as unique as his ability to complete this task is unique.” (Viktor Frankl) To find your Destiny means to respond to the Call of the Universe. By embodying the Destiny, I am not just an active person, I become an active Co-Creator of the Universe. By acting, I not only achieve my goals, I conduct an equal Dialogue with the Universe. My life, work, family - this is the whole space for the realization of the Destiny.

The search for the Meaning of Life and Purpose begins with the recognition of one's total incompetence and the limitations of one's life experience. Only when I understand that I really know nothing about the Universe, the Universe is ready to enter into a Dialogue with me. Life becomes a space of opportunities for the realization of the Purpose. “There is no such situation in which life would not give us the opportunity to find meaning, and there is no such person for whom life would not have some business ready.” Viktor Frankl

Source: https://psy-practice.com/publications/prochee/kak_ne_poteryat_sebya_v_potoke_zhizni_tsel_smisl_/ When copying materials, a link to the source is required psy-practice.com

Is it important to set goals? In the universe, action is primary. Those who carefully observed the behavior of children will immediately understand me. I have three children, and while raising them, I see perfectly well that for them, activity is more important than the goal. Aimless redundancy of actions is characteristic of children's behavior. There is no place for reflection and conscious goal setting. The result of the child's actions for the child is unpredictable. Therefore, children are not afraid to make mistakes. Acting randomly, the child learns the main thing: to act in a situation of uncertainty. This skill is often lacking in adults. Don't be afraid to act and make mistakes Awareness follows experience. First the action, then the result, and only then there is an opportunity for a conscious (with goal setting) action. In the process of coaching, I often encounter a situation where a person is “overloaded” with goals. I once worked with a girl who was struggling with an inferiority complex. Being quite successful in the professional sphere, she suffered acutely from the fact that she "lived someone else's life." It was all about the fact that she spent all her energy on meeting the expectations of her very domineering mother. Despite the fact that she set goals and achieved them, she was a deeply unhappy person. The older a person is, the more certain world he wants to live in. And this is where the trap of awareness lies. Adults differ from children in that they often spend too much time and energy on setting a goal, they strive to calculate everything in such a way as to be sure to avoid failure. The goal should take a person out of his picture of the world One of my friends, unfortunately, sees nothing but her children. Her whole world revolves only around her children and their interests. The paradox is that her children are bored with such a mother. She puts all her strength into the children, but instead of gratitude, they are simply rude to her. Subconsciously, her children want to break out of their mother's picture of the world. People often set goals only within the framework of their picture of the world. Within the framework of the picture of the world, which is formed by their experience. But to act on the basis of previous experience means only to affirm the correctness of one's picture of the world. The picture of the world is therefore a picture because it does not reflect the whole world in its versatility, it is just an imprint that arises as a result of life experience. The real goal of life is not set, it is found. The real goal does not arise as a projection of previous experience, it takes a person beyond his boundaries. On the one hand, such a goal was not set for me, but at the same time it cannot be said that it was set by me myself. We can say that such a goal itself finds a person. In another way, such a goal is called Meaning. Meaning is a goal that makes it possible to feel your Value. The goal is set, the meaning is revealed. This is an intimate encounter with the universe. “A person should not ask what is the meaning of his life, but rather should realize that he himself is the one to whom the question is addressed,” said Viktor Frankl. Meaning is what makes it possible to feel, to feel, and not just to understand one's value. And now it is no longer possible to say that I achieve the goal, rather, the Meaning found prompts me to act. Meaning creates Purpose. Destiny is how I practically act in the world, embodying the acquired Meaning. Here, too, I cannot fail to recall the words of the great psychologist Viktor Frankl: “There is no situation in the world that does not contain a core of meaning. But it is not enough to fill life with meaning, one must perceive it as a mission, realizing one's responsibility for the final result. Destiny implies responsibility for the realization of the Meaning “Everyone has his own special calling. Each person is irreplaceable, and his life is unique. And therefore, the task of each person is as unique as his ability to complete this task is unique.” (Viktor Frankl) To find your Destiny means to respond to the Call of the Universe. By embodying the Destiny, I am not just an active person, I become an active Co-Creator of the Universe. By acting, I not only achieve my goals, I conduct an equal Dialogue with the Universe. My life, work, family - this is the whole space for the realization of the Destiny. The search for the Meaning of Life and Purpose begins with the recognition of one's total incompetence and the limitations of one's life experience. Only when I understand that I really know nothing about the Universe, the Universe is ready to enter into a Dialogue with me. Life becomes a space of opportunities for the realization of the Purpose. “There is no such situation in which life would not give us the opportunity to find meaning, and there is no such person for whom life would not have some business ready.” (Viktor Frankl) Tags: coaching, purpose, meaning, purpose Publication author: Guzeev Dmitry Nikolaevich Contacts: Russia, Moscow Briefly about the author: I conduct trainings on personal growth, efficiency improvement and teamwork. In my trainings, I give the opportunity to gain practical experience, and do not overload you with "useful" ones... Subscribe to new comments on this article: Subscribe Previously Nobody has left comments yet, be the first.