Now the word "complex" is used by many, but not everyone knows what exactly it means. Carl Jung was the first to talk about complexes, and it was he who introduced this word into use. According to Jung, a complex is "a generalization of emotionally perceived memories and thoughts relegated to the subconscious." In other words, a complex is a symbiosis of feelings and states of a person, his motives, associations, all together having a certain effect on the psychological behavior of a person and the structure of his personality.

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Photo gallery: Why do we develop complexes?

The complex can be compared to an open wound: it is worth disturbing it, and a person begins to feel uncomfortable and restless, can be unsettled, show aggression, or, conversely, withdraw into himself. Such a reaction, caused by internal complexes, acts like an invisible wall that blocks the path to freedom, does not allow a person to become strong and independent. But still, complexes have opposite properties: on the one hand, because of them, a person becomes vulnerable and defenseless before the big world, but on the other hand, complexes can serve as an impetus for self-improvement.

Formation of complexes

Why do we try so hard to get rid of complexes? The fact is that it becomes difficult to communicate with a person who has acquired various complexes: he may react inadequately to some words and actions of other people. Most often, notorious people have increased suspiciousness, envy, discontent, arrogance, deceit ... That's why notorious people are disliked.

Usually the complexes that we carry with us throughout our lives are formed at an early age. For example, in order to accustom her daughter to order, her mother often repeated to her: “You are such a slob, look at what bards are going on in your room, it’s disgusting to look at!” stupid, again got a deuce in mathematics! Better take an example from the excellent student Vasya! " Such moralizing is perceived by children very painfully, and over time, inferiority complexes arise, which are only aggravated by additional components - poor school performance, inability to find a common language with peers, to develop hidden talents and abilities. In later life, such a person, without noticing it, tries to find and “pull by the ears” excuses for his defeats, looking for confirmation that he is a loser and is not capable of anything. This state hinders a person on the way to successful life realization.

The main misfortune is that the main problem, due to which the complex developed, is gradually forgotten and forced out of consciousness by other events. Therefore, a person cannot connect his failures with the primary source of his problems and a complex state. And if you do not know what to fight, then you are practically doomed to defeat.

Inferiority complex

Those people who have an inferiority complex are sure that they are worse than others in some way and set themselves up for failure in advance. They believe that since they are so "bad", then there is nothing to love, appreciate and respect them for. Striving for inner peace and getting rid of their oppressive feelings, people with an inferiority complex try to somehow improve themselves, while doing something good for others, thereby trying to appear before people in a more favorable light and show that they are better, than it actually is. But it happens that in order to impress others, such a person resorts to deception. By all means, a notorious person tries to show everyone his success and self-sufficiency in all spheres of life. He may try to buy only expensive branded items, cars, phones, even if he spends his last money on them or gets into loans; may not get out of the gym just to demonstrate to others his inflated biceps and see admiring glances; he can brag left and right about the number of his love affairs or the fact that he is personally acquainted with the president ... However, most often the image of a self-sufficient person is just a sham. And if this illusion is dispelled, then the inferiority complex will flourish and the person will have problems with interaction with others, work, and loved ones.

In adolescence, an inferiority complex occurs most often due to any problems with appearance, due to too strong parental control, or, conversely, with insufficient attention to the child from relatives and parents in the first place. Excessive criticism of a teenager, humiliation by teachers and peers, psychological trauma (for example, divorce of parents, death of loved ones) received in childhood also has a negative impact. All these moments can be the reason for dissatisfaction with oneself, that one's own shortcomings can be greatly exaggerated. This leads to the fact that the child begins to obsess over his failures, the complex grows deeper and deeper into him, and in adulthood we get a person suffering from an inferiority complex.

The German psychoanalyst Alfred Adler, who was the first to use the phrase "inferiority complex", liked to say: "To be considered a complete person, one must have an inferiority complex." And indeed it is. However, the manifestations of this complex do not allow a person to live in peace with himself and find harmony. How do you know if you have an inferiority complex? The first call may be too critical of their appearance. If you are not satisfied with the shape of your head, the thickness of your lips, the size of your bust, your height, the length of your nose, etc., then you still have an inferiority complex. Also, its presence is indicated by dissatisfaction with one's financial situation, social status, and professional achievements.

Loser complex

If a person has such a complex, then he believes that his life has turned out worse than it could be. To distract from and suppress these thoughts, he may cling to certain ideas and inferences that help him feel more important. “Let me not be able to make a career and make friends, but I belong to the great nation that defeated fascism.” The logic, it should be noted, is not quite trivial, and the arguments in order to justify one's inertia are not strong, but one does not need to get rid of the complex, and one can continue to cherish and cherish one's psychological immaturity.

Complex of infantilism

The owners of this complex do not want to think about the problems of adult life. They do not like to make decisions and take responsibility for themselves. They are completely independent, which often leads to difficulties in relations with the opposite sex and other people. So, for example, it often happens that overeating and even alcoholism are a consequence of this complex. Indeed, in order to control oneself in nutrition or stop drinking alcohol in time, one must be a mature self-sufficient person, and not behave like a small child who, at any opportunity, indulges his whims and momentary desires.

Special cases

Doctors sometimes diagnose their clients with complexes of superiority (supervalue), when high conceit and stupidity are combined in one person. "It's so rare to find a man smarter than yourself!" - sometimes says a type, himself distinguished by a rare stupidity and lack of education. Such people often believe that they know best what is good for them, and are absolutely sure that the advice of specialists is not suitable for them, since, in fact, nothing needs to be improved. Often there is a complex of the poor, it makes a person, no matter how rich and wealthy he may be, strive for material wealth, accumulate them beyond measure and at the same time be very greedy and stingy.

Lack of complexes

The case when the complex is its absence. After all, then a person has no desire and need to improve and develop. Why change something in yourself, strive for the ideal, if everything is fine in you anyway? So, if you are absolutely satisfied with yourself, think: are you all right? Perhaps you should take a critical look at yourself.

Our body can sometimes tell us more about us than we would like to. Body language is able to give our interlocutor what we think about and what we are afraid of. In many firms, people who hire employees have a basic knowledge of body language. These people are well aware of what this or that posture of the applicant for the position signals.

Often we feel awkward and constrained in situations that are responsible for us. Is it possible to change this state and demonstrate self-confidence to your interlocutor? There are certain gestures and demeanor that can convince most people of your self-confidence and endear them to you. So, what needs to be done to make a good impression on everyone without exception?

smile

If a person smiles, it means that he is not only happy and satisfied, but also self-confident. His smile signals that he is not afraid of the world around him and feels completely comfortable. Such people invariably evoke the sympathy of others.

Straighten your shoulders

A self-confident person usually does not stoop or shamble. It is worth straightening your back and straightening your shoulders in order to radiate strength and make a positive impression on others. It is better to walk wide, and not mince, timidly looking around.

A confident person has nothing to hide. He does not look at the floor, does not hide his eyes and calmly maintains the gaze of the interlocutor. It is very important to make eye contact during conversations. this convinces your opponent that you are sincere and confident in your words.

Get your hands out of your pockets

Do not hide your hands in your pockets or behind your back. This can convince your interlocutor that you are still hiding something. It is best to let your hands be in a calm and relaxed position. If you are sitting, you can, for example, put them on your knees or on a table.

Keep an eye on your appearance

An untidy person with disheveled hair and the smell of unwashed armpits may arouse the sympathy of others, but hardly their sympathy. Yes, and it will hardly add confidence to you. It is worth devoting time to your appearance not only before important events, but also on any other day.

Radiate serenity

Many people who have to carry on a difficult conversation start dangling their legs, jerking their knees, or gesticulating too much. It certainly takes away from the feelings of fear and anxiety that are burning you from the inside. However, such gestures make an unpleasant impression on the interlocutor. First, they clearly show that you are nervous. And secondly, they infect others with the same nervousness. It is better to calm down and radiate calmness.

Don't cross your arms

This gesture is interpreted by most people unambiguously as a gesture of protection. You demonstrate to others that you do not want to communicate, or that the topic of conversation is unpleasant for you. It is unlikely that this will add to you the sympathy of colleagues or acquaintances. This position is one of the most unfortunate in the interview.

Don't flicker

Many of us constantly twirl something in our hands during a conversation, cross our fingers, clench our hand into a fist, or constantly touch our faces and run our hands through our hair. This clearly signals our lack of self-confidence. It is best to try to sit still and not make too many unnecessary movements.

It is impossible to please everyone, but in certain situations we need to make a good impression on others. Whether we're in a job interview or on a date, self-confidence and a positive attitude will always tip the scales in our favor.

Irina Gorbunova

The communication and attitude of the child to other people during preschool age change significantly. So, in the middle of preschool age (4-5 years), the need for recognition and respect appears and begins to dominate. If up to 3-4 years old children directly enjoyed playing with toys, now it is important for them to know how others perceive and evaluate their actions. The child seeks to attract the attention of others, sensitively catches signs of attitude towards himself in their views and facial expressions, demonstrates resentment in response to inattention or reproaches of partners. In children's communication at this age, a competitive, competitive beginning appears. A peer becomes the subject of constant comparison with oneself. Through such a comparison of their specific qualities, skills and abilities, the child can evaluate and assert himself as the owner of certain virtues.

This stage is natural and necessary for the development of interpersonal relationships. By opposing himself to his peer and thus highlighting his "I", the child can return to his peer and perceive him as an integral, self-valuable personality. Usually by the age of 6-7 there is an ability to appreciate the qualities and skills of other people, a desire to be friends, help, do something together.

However, demonstrativeness is often fixed and develops into a personality trait, a stable character trait. Such children are most concerned with showing their superiority in everything. The main motive for the child's actions becomes a positive assessment of others, with the help of which he satisfies his own hypertrophied need for self-affirmation.

Features of the behavior of demonstrative children

Unlike touchy and shy children, demonstrative children are distinguished by pronounced activity and desire to attract attention by any means possible. Such children, as a rule, are quite active in communication. However, in most cases, turning to a partner, they do not feel real interest in him or desire to do something together. Mostly they want to show themselves and arouse the admiration of others: they talk about themselves, show their toys, demonstrate any ways to attract the attention of adults or peers. "Look how I can draw, jump, how quickly I eat, what kind of slippers I have, etc." Self-affirmation and the admiring attention of others are their main goal and value. At the same time, both positive forms of behavior (“look how good I am”) and actions that express aggression can be a way to attract attention. Demonstrative children are very focused on the assessment of others especially adults. As a rule, such children strive at all costs to receive a positive assessment of themselves and their actions. However, in cases where relations with an adult or with peers do not add up, demonstrative children use negative tactics of behavior: they show aggression, complain, provoke scandals and quarrels.

Demonstrativeness can manifest itself not only in the desire to show one's own merits and achievements. Possession of attractive objects is also a traditional form of self-demonstration. For many children, the strong desire to own a car or a doll is not connected with their own play needs, but with the desire to demonstrate their property (and, therefore, advantage) over others. How often, having received a new toy as a gift, children carry it to kindergarten not to play with it, but to show it off, to brag about it.

Often self-assertion is achieved through decrease in value or depreciation of another. For example, seeing a drawing by a peer, a demonstrative child may say: "I draw better, this is not a beautiful drawing at all." In general, comparative forms prevail in the speech of demonstrative children: better/worse; prettier/uglier, etc. They constantly compare themselves with others, and it is clear that this comparison is always "in their favor."

Demonstrative children show increased interest in peer activities: they follow what others do, make comments and comments, while their interest is clearly evaluative. So, Nastya D. (5 years 9 months), as soon as the adult gave the task to her partner, began to be loudly indignant: “Why did they tell Nikitka to do anything, he doesn’t know how, and behaved badly at a quiet hour. The teacher scolded him. And I'd better do it, can I, well, please." At the same time, she constantly watched Nikita's actions, tried to insert elements into his mosaic herself.

Demonstrative children are very emotional and even react painfully to the censure and praise of other children. When an adult gives a negative assessment of the actions of a peer, a demonstrative child supports her with warmth and with great pleasure. In response to the praise of a peer, he, on the contrary, begins to object. So, Anya R. (6 years 1 month), after listening to praise addressed to a peer, said: "Well, maybe better than last time, but still ugly and uneven."

Demonstrativeness is very clearly revealed in the nature and degree of assistance to other children. So, in one of the classes, we offered two children to assemble their mosaic pattern - the sun in the sky, while the details of different colors were not evenly distributed: one child had mostly yellow details, the other - blue. Accordingly, in order to complete the task, the child is forced to seek help from a peer and ask for the necessary details. Observations showed that most of the demonstrative children in this situation provided formal provocative assistance, i.e. in response to a request from a peer, they were given only one element, which was clearly not enough. So, Mitya S. (5 years 11 months old) noticed that the partner did not have the necessary elements of yellow color, but he silently sits and does not ask him for anything. Then Mitya turned to his partner with the words: "Sasha, if you do not ask permission, I will not give you." Sasha continued to sit silently, Mitya repeated: "Ask, and I will give." Sasha very quietly asked: "Give me some yellow ones, otherwise I didn't have enough." Mitya smiled, put Sasha in the box one element with the words: "Here, you asked, I gave." To Sasha's further requests, Mitya answered irritably: "I already gave it to you. You don't see, I'm doing the same, wait." Igor B. (5 years 8 months), in response to a peer's request, began to give him elements of any color, except for the one he really needed, while he pretended not to hear his peer's objections at all. Other children began to share only after finishing their puzzle, but did so very reluctantly. Such a variant of assistance, without prejudice to oneself, can be called pragmatic. Thus, Roma S. (5 years 2 months) did not react in any way to his partner's requests for the necessary elements, pretended not to hear, sang a song loudly. As soon as he finished his picture, he looked at his partner with interest: "Oh, you don't have any yellow ones. You'll have to add a little more ... Don't be afraid, we'll give you one." Putting a few yellow elements in the box to his partner, Roma turned to the adult: "Look how much I gave him."

It can be seen from these examples that these children's attitudes towards others are based on the desire to surpass the rest, to show their advantages. This is manifested in the constant comparison of their achievements with the successes of others, in demonstrating their superiority in everything.

For demonstrative children, the other child acts mainly as the bearer of a certain attitude, he is interesting only in connection with what attitude he shows towards him - whether he appreciates or does not appreciate, helps or not. For example, Nastya talks like this about her friend Katya: “Katya helps me if I get into trouble, she is friends with me, she can help me in drawing. Kind, because she plays with me. Of course, I am also kind. like Katya, even I'm even better."

What is the basis of children's demonstrativeness

So, ideas about their own qualities and abilities of demonstrative children need constant reinforcement through comparison with someone else, the carrier of which is a peer. These children have a pronounced need for other people, they constantly need society and communication. But other people are needed in order to show themselves, so that there is something to compare with. When comparing oneself with others, pronounced competitiveness and a strong orientation to the assessment of others.

One of the ways of self-affirmation is the observance of a moral norm, which is aimed at obtaining the encouragement of adults or at feeling one's own moral superiority. Therefore, such children sometimes do good, noble deeds. However, the observance of moral norms is clearly formal and demonstrative; it is not aimed at other children, but at getting a positive assessment, at asserting oneself in the eyes of others.

Own "kindness" or "fairness" is emphasized as a personal advantage and opposed to other, "bad" children.

Unlike other problematic forms of interpersonal relationships (such as aggressiveness or shyness), demonstrativeness is not considered a negative and, in fact, a problematic quality. Moreover, at present, some features inherent in demonstrative children, on the contrary, are socially approved: perseverance, healthy egoism, the ability to achieve one's own goals, the desire for recognition, ambition are considered the key to a successful life position. However, this does not take into account that opposing oneself to another, the painful need for recognition and self-affirmation are the unsteady foundation of psychological comfort and certain actions. The insatiable need for praise, for superiority over others becomes the main motive for all actions and deeds. The "I" of such a child is at the center of his world and consciousness; he constantly examines and evaluates himself through the eyes of others, perceives himself exclusively through the attitude of others, and this attitude should be enthusiastic. He is sure that others should think only of him, admire his virtues and express their admiration. Such a child is constantly afraid of being worse than others. This fear gives rise to anxiety, self-doubt, constant tension, which is compensated by boasting and emphasizing one's advantages. The main difficulty is not even that such a child misjudges himself, but that this evaluation becomes the main content of his life, covering the whole world around and other people. He literally sees nothing but what others think and say about him. Such tension can cause not only envy and jealousy when meeting with a more successful peer, but also various neurotic deviations. That is why it is important to identify the manifestation of demonstrativeness as a personal quality in time and help the child overcome such a competitive position.

Is it possible to overcome the competitive position of a preschooler

Recently, the formation of positive self-esteem, encouragement and recognition of the merits of the child have become almost the main methods of social and moral education. This method is based on the belief that positive self-esteem provides the child with emotional comfort and contributes to the development of self-confidence. Such upbringing really reinforces and strengthens positive self-esteem, the belief that "I am the best." As a result, the child begins to perceive and experience only himself and his attitude towards himself. And this, as was shown above, is the main problem of demonstrative children. Such a focus on oneself and one's own merits does not make it possible to see the other, turns him into a competitor and rival. Therefore, the absence of evaluations and comparison of children (who is better and who is worse) should be one of the first conditions for overcoming demonstrativeness.

Adults should strive to save the child from the need to assert themselves and prove their superiority. The kid, even without constant praise and evaluation, should feel respect for himself and the love of close adults. Only then will he feel the pricelessness of his personality and will not need constant encouragement and comparisons with others.

It is also necessary to abandon the competitive start in games and activities. Contests, competitive games, fights and competitions are very common and widely used in the practice of education. However, all these games direct the child's attention to their own qualities and merits, give rise to an orientation towards assessing others and demonstrating their advantages.

To overcome demonstrativeness, the main thing is to show the child that the assessment and attitude of others is far from the most important thing in his life, and that other children are not at all focused on his person. They have their own interests, desires and problems, which are neither worse nor better, but simply different.

Of course, it is useless to explain all this in words to a preschooler. It is possible to “move” a child from such fixation on oneself by opening up new interests to him, switching to cooperation and full communication. The traditional activities of preschoolers - drawing, modeling, construction and, of course, the game - open up rich opportunities for this. The child should experience the pleasure of drawing or playing - not because he does it best of all and he will be praised for it, but because it is interesting, especially if all this is done together. Interest in fairy tales, songs, looking at pictures distracts the child from evaluating himself and thinking about how others treat him. Other children should become for him not a source of resentment, but partners in a common cause. He must understand that other children do not exist at all in order to respect and praise him. They have their own interests and desires, which are not at all connected with his person. To do this, it is important to create situations and organize games in which children can experience community and belonging with each other in real interaction. First of all, these are role-playing games, round dance games, simple games with rules, etc.

Here are some games that will help you better see your peers, appreciate them and experience a sense of community with them. From 2 to 6 children of senior preschool age (5-6 years old) can participate in these games.

"Mirror"

There is a warm-up before the start of the game. The adult stands in front of the children and asks to repeat his movements as accurately as possible. He demonstrates light physical exercises, and the children reproduce his movements. After that, the children are divided into pairs and each pair in turn "performs" in front of the others. In each pair, one performs an action (for example, claps his hands or raises his hands, or tilts to the side), and the other tries to reproduce his movement as accurately as possible, as in a mirror. Each pair decides for itself who will show and who will reproduce the movements. If the mirror distorts or is late, it is damaged (or crooked). A couple of children are invited to practice and "fix" a broken mirror.

When all the mirrors are working properly, the adult invites the children to do what people usually do in front of the mirror: wash, comb their hair, do exercises, dance. The mirror should simultaneously repeat all the actions of a person. You just need to try to do it very accurately, because there are no inaccurate mirrors!

"Echo"

An adult tells the children about Echo, who lives in the mountains or in a large empty room; you cannot see it, but you can hear it: it repeats everything, even the strangest sounds. After that, the children are divided into two groups, one of which depicts travelers in the mountains, and the other - Echo. The first group of children in single file (in a chain) "travels around the room" and takes turns making different sounds (not words, but sound combinations), for example: "Au-u-u-u", or: "Tr-r-r-r" , etc. There should be long pauses between sounds, which are best regulated by the presenter. He can also keep track of the order of the spoken sounds, i.e. show which of the children and when to make their own sound. Children of the second group hide in different places in the room, listen carefully and try to reproduce everything they heard as accurately as possible. If Echo is running out of sync, i.e. reproduces sounds not at the same time, it's not scary. It is important that it does not distort sounds and accurately reproduces them.

"Magic Glasses"

An adult solemnly announces that he has magic glasses through which you can see only the good that is in a person, even what a person sometimes hides from everyone. "Now I'll try on these glasses ... Oh, how beautiful, funny, smart you all are!" Approaching each child, an adult names some of his dignity (someone draws well, someone has a new doll, someone makes his bed well). "Now let each of you try on glasses, look at others and try to see as much good in everyone as possible. Maybe even something that you did not notice before." Children take turns putting on magic glasses and name the merits of their comrades. If someone is at a loss, you can help him and suggest some dignity of his comrade. Repetitions are not terrible here, although it is desirable to expand the circle of good qualities if possible.

"Boasting Contest"

An adult invites children to hold a bouncer contest. "The one who boasts better wins. We will brag not about ourselves, but about our neighbor. It's so nice to have the best neighbor! Look carefully at the one who is sitting to your right. Think about what he is, what is good about him, what he knows what good deeds he has done, what he can please. Do not forget that this is a competition. The winner will be the one who better boasts of his neighbor, who finds more advantages in him. "

After such an introduction, the children in a circle name the advantages of their neighbor and brag about his virtues. At the same time, the objectivity of the assessment is absolutely not important - these advantages are real or invented. The "scale" of these virtues is also not important - it can be a loud voice, a neat hairstyle, and long (or short) hair. The main thing is that children notice these features of their peers and be able not only to positively evaluate them, but also to boast about them in front of their peers. The winner is chosen by the children themselves, but if necessary, an adult can express his opinion. To make the victory more significant and desirable, you can reward the winner with some small prize (paper medal of the "Best Bouncer" or a badge). Such a prize arouses even in the most selfish child an interest in a peer and a desire to find as many virtues in him as possible.

"Connecting Thread"

Children sit in a circle, passing each other a ball of thread so that everyone who is already holding the ball takes up the thread. The transfer of the ball is accompanied by statements about what the children would like to wish others. An adult starts, thereby showing an example. He then turns to the children, asking if they have anything to say. When the ball returns to the leader, the children, at the request of the adult, pull the thread and close their eyes, imagining that they are one whole, that each of them is important and significant in this whole.

"Princess Nesmeyana"

An adult tells a fairy tale about Princess Nesmeyana and offers to play the same game. One of the children will be a princess who is sad and crying all the time. Children take turns approaching Princess Nesmeyana and trying to console her and make her laugh. The princess will try her best not to laugh. The one who can make the princess smile wins. Then the children switch roles.

Such games contribute to the formation of community with others and the opportunity to see peers as friends and partners. When a child feels the joy of a common game, of what we are doing together, when he shares this joy with others, his proud "I" will most likely stop demanding praise and admiration. A sense of community and interest in the other are the foundation on which only full-fledged communication between people and normal human relationships can be built.

Elena Smirnova
head Laboratory of Psychology of Preschool Children of the Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education,
Professor, Doctor of Psychology
Article from the August issue of the magazine

Discussion

My friend has a daughter with obvious demonstrative behavior. I myself am expecting a child. And I don't want him to be like that. Therefore, it would be interesting to know how not to initially raise a child like that.

08/26/2005 08:45:48, Tatyana

My son has a demonstrative personality type. I don't know how to help him. He can't be good with kids. Who will like it if they demonstrate superiority in front of him all the time? There is nothing with the girls yet, he communicates well with them, but with the boys all the time there is a confrontation: everyone is fighting for leadership, for being recognized as better, smarter, bolder, faster ... You need to see a psychologist. Can anyone advise a good one in Moscow, on the orange metro line? Really needed.

Comment on the article "Demonstrative children"

Such behavior can be deliberate and fetter a woman, or it can be natural. My male parents' friends kissed my hand from the age of 14. "this behavior is ostentatious, false, demonstrative" nu, nu.

What are boundaries, including behavior, children begin to comprehend before the age of five. Open public masturbation at five is no longer the norm. And the teacher and the boy's mother worked with him. Demonstrative behavior went away after a month.

Discussion

I wouldn't...
My children are not from Sadovo, but I remember very well how, when I was in the garden, the boy Kolya showed his pi * syun in the toilet to me and his girlfriend, and assured us that he could not only write to them, but also poop !!! We were 5 years old...
I shared this fact with my mother, she assured me that she couldn’t)))))

do nothing, katya is not yours, what do you care about other people's kat

03/24/2017 09:30:27, orlovfv

What behavior was right for you, what experience shows? I am completely confused. Never smoked before, at least not obviously. Obviously demonstrative behavior, it's not about smoking. Dig, why did he do it? I would postpone the punishment for later, it can now ...

demonstrative behavior. With a specific purpose. Good, more ostentatious and demonstrative. He also talks about veins more to his friends, because ... I believe (and hope) that there is more ostentation here ... (and at the same time I worry).

Child developmental psychology: child behavior, fears, whims, tantrums. Defiantly rude, ignores? The topic simply describes a crime: a girl (in the prepubertal period with the corresponding mood swings, which ...

Discussion

Surround with love, tastier food, give gifts, go shopping, pierce your ears, do not express your opinion until you ask. Help in everything, solve her problems. She feels like she's been abandoned by you. I say to my people: hush, hush, now let's see what can be done! And I do something to solve her problems. About the dog - that hurts, yes. Maybe there are breeds that are not allergic? Traveling is not a reason to deny a child a friend who is really needed during her tantrums. Health - yes, this is a reason. Alternatively, you can say that you will grow up, you will live separately, you will start, and I will walk with her while you are at work))

how else can she let off steam in a closed living space
yes, she is dissatisfied with herself, in an emotional impasse
How can she let off that steam?
why the earrings did not please you - she is 9 years old and not months old
only now they need to be looked after, and sometimes they get inflamed, and sometimes they don’t learn to change the earring and have to be pierced, in short, it’s still a hassle
if she is not afraid and she is ready for it - well, pierce, sometimes such a trifle helps
you can’t help with a dog, but you can try volunteering in a kennel if she has such a love for dogs, and not the whim “I want a live toy”
this is neurology - through hysteria, the nervous system is discharged and it is easier for a person
but this means that the tension is critical, it would be better to dump it in advance - even with tears, even with loud singing, at least with something else
gymnastics is apparently not right, there is not a free release of energy, but tight control over the body, the tension spring is twisted even more
you need something not professional - try trampolines, not a professional in the section, but fitness, there - freedom of flight

I have a child with demonstrative behavior, in such cases, she needs a dispute like air, turning into hysteria. Do not be fooled, give a tough rebuff and move away from the showdown. Feel free to apply for custody, if it is adequate, of course.

Discussion

Excuse me, but you can’t send her to work and earn money? 15 years already, almost 16.

Does she know about the criminal consequences of theft?

If you tell yourself the truth, then the hardest thing is to face the fact that this parallel world enters your life: PDN, police, alcohol, drugs, highways, robberies, etc.
Scary, disgusting, insulting, shaking with anger at the child.
We need to calm down and accept it as a fact. Think over the worst scenario for yourself personally - how you will live, what to do.
If you remember that life is a gift, appreciate every day, live it consciously, it will become easier. No foolish/arrogant/any child can ruin my life, I tell myself. And then there are forces to live on - deliberately, calmly.
Stop rudeness, do not give money to your detriment, while talking less yourself. I have a child with demonstrative behavior, in such cases, she needs a dispute like air, turning into hysteria. Do not be fooled, give a tough rebuff and move away from the showdown.
Feel free to apply for custody, if it is adequate, of course. For years we sang to the elder about the consequences, explained in colors, drew alternatives, held, protected, even covered. No, he goes his own way. Now his guardianship closely accompanies, thanks to her; he is suggestible, God willing, at least he will understand something.
You should be (or at least look) calm and confident. Children should not see our weakness. Here they will grow up, relax, maybe (I dream).

This is demonstrative behavior with >. This is a demonstrative behavior that attracts attention. I have a very similar girl :) I would now react to the situation with the computer like this: "Darling, your time is over, it's time to wrap up."

Discussion

I didn’t read the whole topic, maybe I’ll repeat ... It’s not known what’s in the soul, maybe the fear is terrible from the unknown ahead, but emotions come out in every way. Children in this regard are happier, I want to - I lie yelling - I relieve stress, I want to - I hang around the house with Noah and kick my legs. I also recently had stress, oh, how I wanted this ... lady to yell everything in her face, and even slap her head like a market woman, but I can’t, because I’m a damn lady.
It took our four-year-old a month to understand what was happening, another month to understand what was misunderstood, and a month to make some adjustments. And so, yes, and under the door they lay with a howl and threw sand in their eyes, oh, and how wonderfully we blew our lips, threw up our hands and fell on the floor like a swan from a ballet, with a howl that was not swan, however.
Three times, when everything converged at one point, I reacted harshly. The daughter clearly probed us up and down, also, by the way, hard. Oh, I also forgot the crown "but I want" to the point of stupefaction. At these moments, she did not hear any arguments ... The most stupid thing that parents can do, having learned about the fears of their child, is to start being ironic. Exclaiming: "Coward! Yes, this is nonsense!", You will in no way make the child more courageous, but only give rise to a new fear in him - the fear of being frank with you.
He will understand that there is no one to wait for protection from and will finally close. As a rule, children's cowardice upsets mainly fathers. And especially when it comes to a boy. And this is quite understandable. Every father wants his son to grow up to be a real man. And he believes that this must be achieved at any cost. Most often, such a conflict arises in families where the son is "alien" to the father. The father is a strong-willed, decisive, perhaps not too refined person, and the son is the complete opposite of him. Sensitive, vulnerable, shy, dreamy, he can, with the right upbringing, become a person of a creative profession. Or a doctor who, like no one else, will understand the suffering of other people. He can make an excellent psychotherapist, psychologist, teacher, social worker. Fantasy, which, being directed at oneself, gives rise to fears, if turned outward, to others, will become the basis of compassion.
If, of course, with the best intentions! - laugh at a child, expose his cowardice, set other children as an example, forcing them to imitate, do not expect good things. It's like learning to swim with advice: they say, you throw it into the water in the middle of the river, and it will float. No it is not true! Someone will swim, and someone (a child of a phobic warehouse) may drown.
But what to do anyway? After all, you can’t leave it as it is, it will only get worse with age! First of all, you have to be extremely careful. Purposeful attention will help you, without unnecessary questions, quickly determine what exactly causes fears in your son or daughter: darkness, elevator, loneliness, animals, people (see the chapter "Stranger among your own"), a high balcony, etc. Having understood, whatever it is, don't dwell on it. The child should not hear you say to someone: "He is so timid with us! He is afraid of the elevator." Or: "One does not remain in any. I cannot leave for a minute."
But at the same time, try to create an atmosphere of maximum psychological comfort. What does it mean? First, you should, if possible, alleviate the suffering of the coward: leave a lit nightlight in his room, hold tightly by the hand, passing by the dog; if he is afraid of the elevator - go on foot (nothing, it's good for health!). Secondly, it is necessary to emphasize as often as possible that nothing bad will ever happen, that you, big and strong adults, will always come to his aid, the weaker one. And really help! He will be protected. This is especially true today, in conditions when the state not only does not provide a sense of security, but seems to be doing everything to ensure that even adults and quite mentally stable people are shaking with horror. In the past, much of what our children saw and heard gave them a sense of security and protection. Remember: "We are peaceful people, but our armored train is standing on a siding", "My native country is wide..." Finally, one of the first children's books - "Uncle Styopa"! Kind policeman-giant, first of all who? - Defender of children. And what about cartoons about bunnies, donkeys, hedgehogs and true friendship that irritated adult intellectuals, but so necessary for children?!
Of course, the family cannot fully recreate the feeling of complete protection if society as a whole is practically deprived of it. Still, try to do what you can. For example, there is no need to tell children in front of them that there is a solid mafia around, that policemen and criminals are smeared with the same world. Even if this is true (of which we are not personally sure), then the situation in the country will not improve from your lamentations, but the psychological state of the child will certainly worsen.
You should not, by all means, accustom a child to sleep alone. Many parents are afraid to put the baby in their bed, believing that this can become a bad habit. But how many teenagers have you seen who fall asleep only at the side of their mother or father?
By the way, for a father - paradoxical as it may seem at first glance, if he wants to raise a "real man", it is very useful to talk about some of his childhood fears, which he overcame over time. Then the child will have hope, having matured, to also become brave and strong. He will be able to compare himself with his father.
In addition, fears are very effectively eliminated in a variety of games. We advise you to find a book by M.I. Chistyakova "Psychogymnastics" (Moscow, "Enlightenment", 1990), which contains a number of special games. In our work with children's fears, we also use many game techniques (mainly theatrical). One of our main principles is not to laugh at the child, but together with the child - at his fears. And one more thing: it is desirable that all this be in a caricature, grotesque form. The most important thing is that the "horror story turns into a laughingstock" (that's what we tell our children), and caricature makes this task easier.
Here are two examples of theatrical sketches that can be successfully played at home, of course, modifying them according to the circumstances and your particular case. It is easy to build an impromptu screen from two chairs, you can take the most ordinary dolls, that is, not theatrical, but just toys

Or maybe explain to him that you will now talk for 5 minutes and go on a walk. And he does so on purpose to speed up the end of the conversation. He sees that it annoys you. And so he will know that you will speak for only 5 minutes. I think so :) and you already know better.

Demonstrativeness is a very common personality trait. As the name itself implies, it manifests itself in the fact that the child is constantly trying to show himself, to demonstrate to others. At the heart of this lies an increased need for attention to oneself. Sometimes it is so strong that the child strives to always be in the spotlight.

Usually, children with high demonstrativeness tend to love jewelry. A variety of means can be used to attract attention: antics, a deliberate violation of the rules of behavior, emphasized "ideal" behavior, and even deliberate shyness, when the child seems to say: "Look how shy I am!"

Demonstrativeness - is it good or bad?

Like any other personality trait, demonstrativeness in itself is not a negative or undesirable trait, although it can sometimes lead to difficulties in raising a child.

But it can become a source of very effective motivation: a person with a high level of demonstrativeness is ready to expend great efforts on those activities that bring him the attention of others and success.

For example, the vast majority of excellent students are children with high demonstrativeness. In addition, demonstrativeness is necessary for the practice of almost any kind of art. If a person does not need to draw the attention of others to himself and to his experiences, then he is unlikely to be able and will successfully draw, play the guitar or perform on stage (demonstrativeness is especially important for acting).

Imaginary diseases

Often, in order to attract additional attention to themselves, demonstrative children "exploit" their diseases (behave as if their disease is much more severe than it really is) or even "create" diseases for themselves.

To do this, it is enough to listen carefully to your body. "Does my head hurt? I don't think so. And my throat? Neither does it. And my stomach? Oh, I seem to be a little sick!"

Internal organs "do not like" too close control over their work. Such listening to oneself disrupts the normal automatic regulation of bodily processes - and indeed nausea, pain, and spasms can occur.

Excessive worries of others about the well-being of the child encourages him to increasingly resort to this method of attracting attention to himself. Then the same mechanism is used for more practical purposes - for example, to dodge the upcoming test, for which the child is not ready enough.

Negative self-presentation

In this variant of development, the child uses a violation of the rules of behavior to attract the attention of others. He portrays a "terrible child", because he is sure that in no other way would he have managed to stand out, to become noticeable.

Adults, by their behavior, support this idea: they scold the rascal and lecture him while he is outrageous, and forget about him with relief when he stops his excesses for a short time.

Paradoxically, the forms of treatment that adults use to punish them turn out to be rewards for the child. The only true punishment is deprivation of attention.

Any emotional manifestations of an adult are perceived by a child as an absolute value, regardless of whether they appear in a positive form (praise, approval, smile) or in a negative form (remarks, punishments, shouting, swearing). Achieving a positive reaction is more difficult than a negative one - and the child chooses the simplest path.

How to deal with "negativist"

The recommendations for negative self-presentation are simple, although they are not always easy to follow. The main principle is a clear distribution, regulation of attention to the child according to the formula: attention is paid to him not when he is bad, but when he is good.

The main thing here is to notice the child precisely at those moments when he is invisible, when he does not scandalize and does not try to attract attention to himself with hooligan antics. If such antics begin, then any comments should be kept to a minimum.

It is especially important that adults give up bright emotional reactions, because the child achieves them. An active emotional attitude to the tricks of a demonstrative "negativist" is actually not a punishment, but an encouragement. If they shout at him and stomp his feet, then he will regard this as his great achievement.

If the offense is so serious that it is impossible to ignore it, then the punishment should be extremely unemotional. For example, if a child wants to watch TV, turn it off, remove the cord and hide it, saying only: “You won’t watch TV until tomorrow”, and then ignore all the cries that he will “make him give back the cord”, “break and throws out the TV" and so on.

Satisfying the insatiable need of a child with negative self-presentation for attention to himself can be very difficult. It is necessary to find a sphere in which he can realize his demonstrativeness.

In this case, theater classes are especially suitable. A child with a negative self-presentation plays a role all the time - so you need to let him play it not in life, but on stage.

There is no need to take special care of its success. He will almost certainly be able to succeed on stage and without anyone's help: acting is his element.

Withdrawal from activities

In some cases, an increased need for attention to oneself does not find direct manifestations in behavior, since they are restrained by increased anxiety.

With such a combination of psychological characteristics, the child has an internal conflict: on the one hand, he wants to behave brightly, to be noticed by other people; on the other hand, due to high anxiety, he fears that such behavior will cause a negative reaction from others.

This conflict is resolved through the development of defensive fantasizing. Outwardly, the child remains passive, and his true life passes in dreams. This type of behavior is called "avoidance".

How to bring the dreamer back to earth

When leaving the activity, it is necessary to expand the active imagination of the child in an external form, to direct it to the solution of real creative problems. In addition, the child needs a sphere that will saturate his unsatisfied need for attention to himself.

Both of these goals can be achieved at the same time through activities related to art - say, classes in a drawing circle. In this real creative activity, the child must immediately provide emotional reinforcement, attention, a sense of success.

If the child does not have any artistic abilities, then abstract painting classes can be recommended. After showing reproductions or, even better, paintings in an exhibition, after the child is convinced that abstract painting really exists and enjoys public recognition, he is invited to try to create something similar himself.

Bright decorative drawings are generally good for children, and children with a developed imagination (as in avoiding activities) are especially successful. "Masterpieces" should definitely be hung out to decorate the apartment and proudly show to everyone who comes to the house. They are really beautiful, and most importantly, there are no criteria for a strict assessment, and even more so for condemnation.

Listening to such recommendations, parents and teachers often express concern that with constant praise, increased attention to children's successes, the child may develop "conceit" (increased demonstrativeness).

With such doubts, the psychologist must once again emphasize that demonstrativeness is not a shortcoming, but a personality trait, which, like any other personality trait, leads to positive or negative manifestations, depending on the circumstances of the child's life.

This feature develops very early. Further, it can develop either naturally (if it meets with understanding from others) and then it will not lead to "self-conceit" at all, but to adequate self-esteem and the ability to courageously overcome difficulties and failures, or unnaturally - in negative forms or in the form of avoiding activities that threaten failure .

In psychology, it is well known that driven inside, unrealizable demonstrativeness can give rise to one of the serious mental illnesses - hysteria. Parents should not usually be told about this, so as not to cause them unnecessary fears that may interfere with the normal upbringing of the child.

However, for other parents - those who insist too strongly that "a girl should be modest" or that "it's bad to take advantage of children" - the consultant should also describe such an unfavorable scenario so that they understand what really threatens their child if they do not change their pedagogical views.

Venger Alexander Leonidovich, child psychologist, Doctor of Psychology, Professor of the Department of Child and Family Psychotherapy.

Inherent in a person, determine his attitude to life and the people around him. This attitude is mirrored in the attitude of others towards a person. In this article we will consider such a human quality as friendliness. How does it manifest itself and what gives a person?

What is friendliness

Friendliness is friendliness and benevolence. Friendly people always evaluate people positively, notice only good features in them and recognize the right of every person to make a mistake, trying not to condemn people for misconduct, but to understand their motives and forgive.

Friendliness is the ability to trust new relationships and new emotions. Benevolent people do not look for a catch everywhere, so they easily make new acquaintances and are not afraid to decide on some new business in their lives. Friendly people are characterized by optimism, therefore, in any undertaking, they hope for a favorable outcome.

Friendliness is the ability to coexist in harmony with those people whose beliefs differ from yours. Friendliness implies mutual understanding and respect for the views of other people, the realization that all people are different and everyone has the right to their own point of view. Kind people will not get angry because someone else's opinion does not coincide with theirs, and will not try to prove their case by imposing their vision of the world.

Friendliness is the trait that determines his behavior in society. With such people it is easy to find comfortable friendship and communication with them, they radiate kindness and positive.

Showing friendliness

Since this trait is one of the most worthy in a person’s character, its manifestation is able to withstand negative emotions. Friendliness acts, figuratively speaking, as a shield from life's adversities and bad people. How is friendliness shown? A few simple tricks can show others that you are friendly:

• familiar and unfamiliar people, you thereby show your disposition and evoke positive emotions in them.

• Politeness. This is an unshakable rule for friendly people. They will never allow themselves to swear, violently sort out their relationship, and insult and humiliate other people.
• Compliment. Without exception, people love to be complimented. The ability to make an unobtrusive compliment distinguishes benevolent people from individuals who have
• Offer your help. Readiness to always come to the rescue is another of the main qualities of benevolent people.

Examples of friendliness

In life we ​​meet with many examples of friendliness. The simplest:

• move an elderly person across the road;
• help carry a heavy bag;

• intercede for the weak who are offended;
• respond with a smile to rudeness in your address, etc.

At the same time, a benevolent person shows friendliness not only to people. He is kind to the whole world. Feeding birds, pulling an animal out of a pit, sheltering a homeless dog are also examples of friendliness that a person shows in his life in relation to the world around him.