Natalya Kaptsova

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Every person is familiar with the situation when you really want to refuse to fulfill this or that request, but anyway, in the end, for some reason, we agree. We find for ourselves a very weighty explanation for this - for example, friendship or strong sympathy, mutual assistance, and much more. However, despite all these seemingly significant factors, we have to step over ourselves.

No one says that helping is bad! The fact is that not every help is for good, therefore, whether you like it or not, you just need to know how to learn to refuse .

Why it's so hard to say "no" to people - the main reasons

• It is often more difficult to say “no” in family relationships. We are afraid that we will be considered too rude, we are afraid that a child or a close relative will stop communicating with you. These and many other fears push us to make concessions and agree to fulfill the request of our neighbor.
• We are afraid of losing opportunities. Sometimes it seems to a person that if he says “no”, he will forever lose what he has. This fear is often present in the team. For example, if a guy wants to be transferred to another department, but he does not want to do this. He, of course, will agree for fear of being fired in the future. There are many similar examples, and each of us sooner or later encounters a similar one. In this regard, now many are concerned about the question of how to learn to say no.
• Another reason for our frequent agreement is our kindness. Yes Yes! It is the constant desire to help everyone and everyone that makes us sympathize and agree to this or that request. It’s hard to get away from this, because real kindness is considered almost a treasure in our time, but few people understand how difficult it is for such people to live. If you are one of them, don't worry! We will tell you how to say no correctly without offending anyone.
• Another cause of the problem is the fear of being alone. because you have a different opinion. This feeling drives us when, having our own opinion, we still join the majority. This entails an inevitable consent against our will.
• In conditions of constant stress, modern people develop a fear of conflict. It means that we are afraid that if we refuse, the opponent will become angry. Of course, this is not always easy, but this is not a reason to agree with everything. You should always be able to defend your point of view and your opinion.
• Neither of us wants to destroy relationships because of our refusal. even if they were friendly. Some people may perceive the word "no" as an absolute rejection, which often leads to the complete end of any relationship. You always need to be aware of how important this person is to you, and what exactly you are capable of doing for him. Perhaps, in such a situation, this will be the main factor influencing your consent or refusal.

Why does each of us need to learn how to refuse and say no?

• However, before delving into the methods of dealing with this problem, everyone needs to understand why sometimes you have to give up.
• In fact, not everyone understands that reliability can lead to negative results. The point is that more and more unfailing people are classified as weak-willed and all because they don't have the courage to say no. You must be aware that in this way you cannot win trust or respect. Most likely, the people around you will eventually begin to take advantage of your gentleness.
• Despite the fact that there is now a lot of literature on the topic of how to learn to say no to people, not everyone wants to deal with it. And, if you still found the time to read this article, it means that you are already starting to deal with it! Of course, no one says that the word “no” should be used often, since we all understand that if you use it often, you can easily remain alone and unnecessary to anyone. Moreover, by saying a refusal, internally we are already preparing for a negative reaction from the opponent.
• To feel like a whole person you need to find balance in your life . Everything should be in moderation so that neither your principles nor the principles of others suffer. Undoubtedly, you need to help, but you always need to analyze the situation and act according to the conclusions. Most likely, the common phrase: “Know how to say no!” familiar to all of us. These words sit in our memory, but they will not begin to work until we ourselves realize the need for this.
• If we analyze our behavior and thoughts at the moment when a similar situation arises, then each of us will understand that before giving an answer to the interlocutor, we little weighing all the pros and cons . Sometimes we agree to this or that service contrary to ourselves and our plans. And as a result, only our interlocutor “wins”. Let's see why it is so difficult for us sometimes to provide.

7 Best Ways to Learn to Say No - So What's the Right Way to Say No?

Let's look at the main ways to learn to refuse people:

Each of us sets barriers for ourselves that prevent us from speaking directly. Most often, the asking person does not want to be deceived, he wants to hear a direct answer - yes or no. We can all understand how to say no to people, but this method is the simplest, most understandable and effective.

Now we are learning to say no together!

The word "no" is incredibly easy to pronounce, yet many people find it hard to say despite the fact that others use it quite often and nonchalantly about them. Many are not able to answer a person with a refusal. There are people who, not wanting to offend another, categorically refuse to say “no”, expecting some negative consequences in case of refusal.

There are many reasons why they cannot protect against manipulation and say that simple word. As a result of constant continuous violence against oneself, a person earns stress. It makes no sense to bring your psyche to such an extreme. A polite refusal can make your life a lot easier.

In this article, we will try to carefully understand why it is sometimes so difficult to say “no” and learn how to learn to refuse people.

Why is it so hard to say "no"

Many people agree in cases where they would gladly say no. Why is this happening? In fact, saying “yes” is much easier, because such an answer, despite internal violence against oneself, is more comfortable for many. When a person agrees to any request, in most cases he can count on gratitude and a positive attitude towards himself. When you say "yes" to your boss, work colleague, or unknown passerby on the street, you have every chance to feel affection and sympathy for yourself.

Refusal is inextricably linked with the need to argue one’s “no”, thereby heating up the situation between people. When you say no, you may feel 100% that you did the right thing, but still have some inner discomfort because you feel like you weren't responsive enough. You may even feel guilty about not helping the person.

Low self-esteem can also cause people to be unable to say no. This quality is formed in childhood. If the parents loved the child just for who he is, then he will not have problems with self-esteem. Such people are able to say “no” absolutely independently of someone else's opinion without any feeling of guilt. A person does not even think about making excuses to someone. He just says "no" just because it would be best for him.

If a person is overly educated, then he has a risk of becoming a trouble-free person. The fear of appearing ill-bred becomes the reason that a person simply cannot imagine how to politely refuse. To get rid of such a complex, it is enough to understand one simple truth: the word “no” in no way violates the norms of decency, and in some situations even strengthens them.

Another reason why people can't refuse is because they don't understand the significance of refusal.

Why is it important to learn how to say "no"?

When you politely refuse a person, you can save yourself wasted hours, days, or even months of your personal time. This way you won't fall into the so-called promise trap.

A trouble-free person initially remains in a disadvantageous position for himself. Such a person will be constantly used by everyone in their interests, and the person himself will neglect his own. The importance of mutual assistance cannot be denied, since it is an important component of normal relations between people. But, constantly fulfilling someone's requests, while ignoring their personal interests, a person acquires a reputation as a spineless personality that can be used without a twinge of conscience.

The desire to learn to say "no" will instantly stop any manipulation from those around you. In addition, failing to refuse any request, we run the risk of letting down the person who turned to us for help, because the lack of time, desire and strength to do something will lead to inefficient completion of the task. In the case when you are unable to cope with a problem, it is best to refuse immediately than to force a person to place certain hopes on you. Remember that by constantly responding positively to any requests, you run the risk of completely losing touch with your own "I", not realizing what you yourself really want.

When will you realize how to say no to a person, you will gain considerable respect in your social circles. When you say "no", it does not mean at all that you become unnecessary for people. There are many different options for how to confirm your indispensability and uniqueness.

Successful people know the simple recipe for success. To do this, you need to do only what causes admiration and enthusiasm. In order to weed out uninteresting and useless tasks, you just need to learn how to say “no”.

To achieve unprecedented career growth and to learn how to manage your life, you must be able to firmly and impartially refuse when your heart tells you, and agree where your intuition says “this is really what you need!

Learning to Say No - How to Learn to Say No

The main mistake of people who do not know how to say "no", lies in the fact that they do not realize that any person can enter into their position in the same way that they can do it. However, if you see any signs of aggression as a reaction to your refusal, you should definitely consider whether it makes sense to contact someone who completely ignores your interests.

Don't let people slow you down on your way to goal. If any request seems insignificant compared to your plans, then you should definitely answer with a 100% refusal. You should not simplify the life of another person to the detriment of your own happiness. Remember that you have your own life, work, interests, leisure and hobbies.

In order to understand how to refuse correctly, you need to clearly identify your life priorities. For example, in the first place you put the peace and well-being of your family, in the second - your career, and in the third - hobbies and hobbies. Don't forget these things when you're hesitating between yes and no.

If an expression that says that even a dead fish can easily go with the flow, but only one that has a backbone will go against it. If you are not a spineless creature, show strength of character and determination when it is necessary to refuse, and remember that you have the right to refuse in any case when the request is contrary to your interests.

You need to grope and strengthen your resolve. Before making a decision, be sure to think about the motives of this or that person, decide whether his request really plays into your hands. Make a decision in your head about the refusal and confidently express it to the interlocutor.

When you say "no", be sure to use the pronoun "I". Briefly justify your refusal so that the person understands why they came across your “no”. You should not mumble and show any signs of insecurity, because such behavior will either lead to a conflict situation, or your vulnerable position will still be taken advantage of, and you will again say an unwanted “yes”. Refuse as firmly and concisely as possible so that the interlocutor does not have a desire to persuade you.

Remember that your posture and intonation should speak of your confidence. It is very important.

Some psychologists advise you to record in a special notebook those moments when you failed to answer “no”. It is necessary to assess in what situations and with what people this happened more often. It is necessary to describe the feelings you experience at such moments, and also to think about how you should have behaved in this or that situation.

How to say no to someone - how to say no

In cases where you know for sure that you will refuse a person, you should not interrupt him. Give him the opportunity to fully express himself. Refusal should not look like a spit on his interests from a high mountain. In order to show the absence of indifference towards the asker, you can show the person any alternative ways out of the situation. It must be understood that very often we have to refuse proposals or requests to which, under other circumstances or at another time, we would have agreed. Therefore, do not forget to offer various options for solving certain problems.

It is good when the refusal must be in writing, even if the communication takes place in real time. You always have time to think about your "no". If you are contacting a person verbally, never respond immediately, arguing that you need to think. This wording will simultaneously prepare the person for a possible rejection and give you the opportunity to buy some time to justify your “no”.

When you finally decide to say no, think through everything you plan to say. You are unlikely to refuse something very pleasant, so your emotions can be very diverse.

It should be borne in mind that your refusal will in most cases be followed by another attempt to convince you. Listen to your partner without interrupting. Voice your refusal again, if necessary - several times. This technique is called "broken record". Form clear, understandable arguments.

In order to make your refusal a little softer, you can use the so-called “Refuse with understanding” technique. Let the interlocutor know that you sympathize with their problem, and convince them that there is nothing you can do to help at the moment. It will not be superfluous to add how important it is for you to trust a person in you.

Summing up all of the above, we note that no matter how you try to manipulate, you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. Often, a firm “no” without unnecessary ranting is enough for no one else to ever think of using you for their own purposes.

You should also not go to extremes, refusing any requests. Remember that the decision to fulfill this or that request should be your own, and not the product of the manipulation of another person.

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In today's world, the ability to refuse is valuable, as is the ability to come to the rescue. Having once agreed that it is unpleasant or undesirable to do, a person runs the risk that he will be bothered to fulfill this request repeatedly.

Those who are not ready to make a return gesture will seek help without remorse.

It happens that a person, having a trouble-free comrade nearby, constantly shifts part of his obligations to him. Not everyone can say “no” culturally and competently. Consider the basic phrases that help politely refuse a person without offending him:

1. outright refusal. The method will become an effective refusal of a request to an annoying friend. You should not look for excuses for not fulfilling the request - this will cause doubt in the asker.
2. Sympathetic rejection. This type is suitable for people seeking a feeling of regret with their requests. It would seem that it is impossible to get past the situation, but even here there will be an option to delicately reject the request, saying "I'm sorry, but I can't help."
3. Delayed Rejection. The option will come in handy for people who absolutely cannot say “no”. If for a person, refusal is considered a whole drama, we suggest postponing it for a while.

   The answers “I need to consult”, “I will give an answer later when I return from vacation” can be beautifully refused to arrogant interlocutors.

4. Reasonable Refusal. The essence of this method is to announce the real reason. For example, it is necessary to go to the cinema with the child, go to the country to the mother, attend a solemn event.

   This type is suitable for refusing to meet, while for persuasiveness it is desirable to name 2-3 reasons.

5. Diplomatic refusal. The method is suitable for polite, reserved people who offer an alternative in return. Correctly refuse with the phrase "I can not help, but I have a friend who deals with this issue."
6. Compromise refusal. Suitable for people who always help those who ask. Properly offering a compromise, you can turn the situation in your favor.

   If the interlocutor asks to sit with the child all day, answer: "I can sit with the baby, but only from 12 to 17 hours, due to the fact that I already have things planned."

Know that you can't say no to everyone. There will always be people who need the help and location of outsiders. Therefore, it is important to distinguish between those who really need help and those who simply want to shift their circumstances onto the shoulders of another person.

Options for different situations

Quite often it happens that a person has to do what he does not want to do. Situations surround people all the time: colleagues, boss, relatives, children, friends. In such a case, it is important to show confidence, while remaining in a good relationship.

Note! The most common request is for money. Having loaned funds to a person once, you can expect that he will come with a request again.

Psychologists agree that constant reliability is fraught with stress, headaches, and insomnia. The main problem of such people is the reduction of time to satisfy their own needs, as well as the inability to live a personal life, to fulfill their dreams.

Askers appear from everywhere, they cannot be refused or offended, so you have to agree. Consider possible situations and their solutions.

Situation	Solution
Colleague asks for help	Explain to the obsessive employee that employees in the company have a range of their jobs, and doing other things will result in wasted time
Refusal to an unfamiliar person asking for a visit	Justify the refusal, in the absence of a priority of communication with a newly-made interlocutor, feel free to say a categorical “no”
Negative response to relatives	Explain to parents or other family members that your own life has needs
Refusal of requests to superiors	Refer to the employment contract if the assigned obligations exceed their due number
Asking for money	Explain the reason for the refusal, and also formulate the correct answer, for example: “I cannot borrow money because I plan to spend a lot of money”

Saying "no" to an obsessive stranger is easy - in this case, the need to value communication, authority or one's position disappears. Another thing is to give a negative answer to those with whom you don’t want discord in a relationship. When forming your opt-out, pay attention to the following undesirable actions:

1. Do not look at the interlocutor and speak incomprehensible phrases. Then the opponent will get the impression that the person refuses, looking for all sorts of excuses for refusal.
2. Constantly apologize. If, after a negative answer, remorse will torment you, you should not show this to your interlocutor. So you will contribute to his conclusions about guilt.
3. Talk too much. Such a move may arouse suspicion that a person is being deceived, trying to tell him a lie.
4. Operate with a large number of arguments. Maximum - 2 reasons for refusal, otherwise it will give the impression that other arguments were thought out on the go.
5. Promise too good an alternative. Rid your opponent of false hope. If a good alternative is not expected, it is better to refuse immediately.

There is always the option of partial refusal - a good way if you do not want to spoil your relationship with a person. It implies putting forward its own conditions, which the opponent must accept in order to reach a consensus.

Important! Do not promise a person golden options if you cannot fulfill the request - this will worsen your reputation, bring discord in communication, spoil your authority.

A correct, polite refusal is the key to a long-term calm relationship. Learn to do it right and only when you really can't help the person.

Useful video

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Far from always and not everyone we can help, devote our time and effort. Therefore, often even close people have to be refused, for objective reasons or simply because of a lack of desire. Saying "no" is okay. One must learn to do this without remorse and suffering. If you want or are forced to say “no”, but are afraid to offend a person dear to you, you can do everything so that no one will be upset. Let's look at 5 easy ways to say no without hurting people.

1. Offer an alternative.

If a person asks you for a meeting, some kind of service or favor, and for some reason you do not intend to satisfy his request, you can not only refuse, but offer the interlocutor an alternative solution. For example, a colleague asks you to fill in for you at work while you are on vacation. You are on good, friendly terms with him, and you would not want to hurt him. But, and you don’t want to go to work before the end of the term. You can, for example, offer your colleague the phone number of another employee who is just not busy and does not mind additional part-time jobs. So you will not offend a person, and besides, show participation in his difficult situation, and perhaps even help.

2. Say you understand the person.

If you are about to say no to a person, but are worried about their reaction, which can be painful and emotional, start your speech with the words: "I understand you" or "I sympathize with you." And then insert “but”, and continue the speech with a refusal. Starting a speech in this way, you make it clear to the person that you are by no means indifferent to his problems, but at the moment you cannot give him anything but sympathy or empathy.

3. State the reason.

It works with just about all reasonable, non-toxic people. When you voice the objective reason for your refusal to the interlocutor, he will immediately understand that he turned to the wrong address, and will not be offended, but will start looking for someone else who can help him. Consider an example. A friend came to you to borrow money before payday, which she really needs to buy a dress at a discount. If you just say “no, I won’t”, it is quite possible that this will hurt a friend. But, if you say: “Sorry, I can’t help you, because I have planned a budget for a month, and I don’t have free funds,” a friend will thank you for participating and will go looking for another way to fill her need.

4. Inspire to solve the problem on your own.

Often people turn to us with requests not only because they have no other way to solve their problem. Sometimes it happens that a person is simply used to solving his problems at the expense of others, or does not believe that he can cope on his own. In this case, you can help a person by refusing, but inspiring him to solve the problem on his own.

5. Offer to help another time.

If at the moment you, with all your desire, cannot help a loved one and are forced to refuse, you can offer him help at some other time if you want to participate in his situation later. So you definitely will not offend a person, and even more, you can help another time.

Quite often it happens that people have to do what they don’t want to do at all, and all because they simply could not refuse a request from relatives, friends, colleagues in time. Is it possible to save yourself from performing unpleasant assignments and how to learn to refuse people? In fact, this is not so difficult to do, the main thing is to heed the recommendations of experienced psychologists.

Experts say that those who constantly agree to help others to the detriment of their own interests, sooner or later face problems such as headaches, stress, depression, dissatisfaction with life. Is it worth putting yourself in such danger or is it better to try to understand how to correctly and tactfully refuse the asking person?

First of all, you need to determine whether a friend, relative or colleague really needs help. Perhaps he simply wants to shift the execution of duties that are unpleasant for him onto other people's shoulders. If we are talking about a task with which the asker can perfectly cope on his own, spending a little more time and effort, you just need to rid yourself of guilt.

They ask for a favor, as a rule, those who have a high degree of responsibility for everything that happens and are distinguished by perfectionism (the desire to bring everything to the end). Therefore, you need to understand for yourself: it is impossible to do everything for others, and no one is to blame for this, except for those who have not managed to correctly plan their time and effort to solve their affairs. So, the first “secret” of how to competently refuse a person’s request is to decide for yourself that you owe nothing to anyone and put your interests in the first place.

Ability to handle different forms of rejection

There are several simple ways that can help how to refuse a person culturally and at the same time not offend him. The most banal, but at the same time the most effective, is to refer to your own employment, especially if this is true. In some cases, a friend or colleague may go further and ask for a favor “for the future”, that is, when you have free time. Experts recommend not to give instant consent, but to warn: it is possible that after the end of the first case you will have a second, third, and so on.

If the asker is especially persistent, you can set a condition for him, for example: “I help you with this, and you do this for me, because otherwise I simply won’t be able to find the time to help you.” It's called "the right way to kill two birds with one stone." The acquaintance gets what he asked for; At the same time, you do not lose anything, and, most importantly, warm relations remain between you.

Refusal does not mean offending

In some cases, you can say a firm “no” without excuses and explanations of the reasons - when an unfamiliar or not too close person makes a request. In such situations, even to apologize is not necessary, especially when it comes to some burdensome or unpleasant things. Tactless individuals may begin to ask for an explanation of the reason for the refusal, but they do this completely unreasonably: you are an adult and should not report to strangers who are not even your friends or relatives. As a last resort, the answer “I cannot help you due to personal reasons” is allowed, without detailed explanations.

When someone close asks for a favor, of course, it is more difficult to answer the request in the negative, but even here there are several options for how to refuse a loved one and at the same time not offend him. For example, you can say that you simply do not understand the question that you are asked, or you are afraid to solve the problem badly, incorrectly, because you do not have enough knowledge, experience, and competence. Educated people will never impose a difficult case and will try to turn to someone else who is better versed in the subject.

The main thing is not to succumb to persuasion

Sometimes the asker tries in every possible way to persuade him to agree - by persuasion, entreaties, and even blackmail. It is worth going on about once, and you will forever open a "loophole" that unscrupulous acquaintances will use. With such people, you need to behave decisively, and not be afraid to offend them with a refusal: they, in turn, do not think about your feelings at all, and about what they can make you uncomfortable.

Psychologists even single out such a moment that a request can correctly say a lot about a person: about his character, principles, rules of life. Perhaps a rude request will become a kind of “litmus test” that will make you think about whether you need to continue communicating with this individual.

Deny…temporarily

Of course, not all requests should be denied; it is important to distinguish between the empty whims of others from truly important appeals. In some situations, it is difficult to immediately find out how difficult and time-consuming the task will be, and whether it is feasible at all. Experts recommend not to agree instantly, but to take time to think, that is, to refuse a person, but temporarily. It is enough to say that you now have more important things to do, and only then, in a calm and peaceful atmosphere, think over all the details of the request and make the right decision.

If it turns out to be simple enough, you can meet halfway, but when it comes to an unpleasant or too difficult issue, you can again culturally refer to employment or directly declare unwillingness to help, as this will take too much time and effort, so necessary for solving their own issues.

Video answer on the topic "How to refuse and not become an enemy" from the program "Success"

Partial "no"

Learning to refuse people without offending them seems difficult at first, but over time, the ability to culturally say a reasoned and firm “no” can become part of the character, freeing up time for more pleasant activities - walking with friends, activities with children, meeting with loved ones. For those who cannot instantly turn from a universal "assistant" into a person who can tactfully refuse, experts recommend learning to do it gradually.

For example, when a neighbor asks her to walk her dog, there are three possible responses for “beginners”:

• only on certain days of the week
• only in good weather
• no more than 15 minutes

On the one hand, you agreed to help, on the other hand, you took into account your interests and chose the most acceptable conditions for yourself.

What about "yes"?

It is possible and necessary to provide services to others! Just do not at the same time "put yourself on the neck" of everyone who wants to receive gratuitous and high-quality assistance. It is always necessary to put your own desires and priorities in the first place, and even in those cases when one of your friends was offended by being refused, this does not mean that you are a bad person. Rather, it will mean that a colleague or comrade communicated with you, solely for his own benefit. Appreciate your personal time, it is an irreplaceable resource!