The burning desire to have what another has is envy. Wishing that another does not have what I do not have is also envy. And no matter what form this feeling takes, it always destroys the soul. How to cope with it - reflects the candidate of psychological sciences, the famous Moscow psychotherapist and writer Olga Romanovna Arnold.

Actress from the box

It was in those years that are now called stagnation. Nelly played in an amateur theater - everyone worked there for free. In order not to be considered a parasite, the girl was forced to work at least somewhere. And she got a job as a laboratory assistant at one of the military enterprises, which were then mysteriously called "mailboxes."

In her department, as a selection, worked young, beautiful and rich women at that time - those who constantly wore earrings and rings with diamonds.

And these well-dressed and well-groomed ladies were wildly jealous of little, invisible, poor and unsettled Nelly!

She, a thirty-year-old woman, was not married at that time, which gave them reason to contemptuously call her an old maid. But around this girl revolved a lot of fans.

As a matter of fact, our conversation arose on the initiative of one of them. He was offended that Nelly told him to wait for her not at the entrance to the box building, but in the subway.

You might think that you are ashamed of me! - he was indignant.

It's not about you at all, - Nellie reassured him. - I don't want my women to see you. This is another reason to wash my bones. I don't understand why they are so jealous of me.

Although Nellie guessed something. Her female colleagues arrived at work in full dress. She came running at the very last moment, not made up and disheveled. Then the women wandered around the offices and neighboring departments all day, flirting with the men. She also secretly read Mikhail Chekhov.

And at half past six, everything changed: the employees somehow internally wilted, for them the day was over. And ahead of a boring evening, some with a bored husband, some all alone - most of the ladies were divorced. For Nelly, the day was just beginning.

Before leaving work, she directed a marafet. If she was in a hurry to go to the theater studio, she strove to run away early, and her face shone.

And if the evening was free, then the girl went to visit or met with her fans.

Nelly lived an interesting life. And exceptionally prosperous ladies began to envy her. And then to poison - only because they felt in her a whole and strong nature. A person who knows how to be self-sufficient.

Cinderella with a broken trough

Why did I remember this old story? Yes, because in this case we observe envy so undisguised that it comes to a paradox. By all the usual criteria, it would be Nellie who should envy her prosperous employees, and not vice versa.

Of course, now you are waiting for a moralizing end to this story from me. Nelly should become a wonderful actress, and her colleagues are put to shame. But I do not write edifying stories, and therefore I will tell the truth: Nelly left the theater studio. She stopped being interested in her. Now she is engaged in business with her husband, they have a charming daughter.

I don't know what happened to her envious people. Nelly immediately stopped communicating with them as soon as she left that job. But on the other hand, as a psychotherapist, I met many other women who were ready to envy anyone and everyone, with or without reason ...

A very beautiful girl Lena, well dressed - one of those who ride the subway in a luxurious mink coat:

How I envy women who managed to marry millionaires! They can not deny themselves anything, they have the opportunity to travel around the world!

She seems to be contradicted by almost the same beautiful Veta. She is a little older than Lena and is the wife of a very rich man:

When Pavel proposed to me, I was happy. I felt like Cinderella, who was finally found by a magical prince. I felt like I almost loved him.

Three years have passed - so what? I am no longer Cinderella. I'm more like an old woman with nothing. I drive around the city in my not the cheapest car and I'm terribly jealous of the girls who walk along the sidewalks.

Strictly speaking, Veta is Lena who has aged several years. Once she envied the way she has become now - now to suffer other problems, no less serious.

Envy is a sign of deep inner dissatisfaction, that is, inferiority. I would also say that this is how mental immaturity manifests itself.

Alien targets

In fact, an envious person is focused not on his own, but on other people's goals. He does not set himself the task of achieving something that he himself needs, but strives to make it so that it is no worse than that of a neighbor.

But the Petrovs bought themselves a new car, - such an envious person is sawing her husband.

Hard at work, the unfortunate spouse finally earns money for the same car. But it's too late: the Petrovs changed it to a new foreign car. Now the envious family is pouring bile, looking at the Petrovs, rolling on a Chevrolet.

However, out of envy of the material well-being of a neighbor, as you know, proletarian revolutions are born. And what this leads to, we also know very well.

In general, more precisely than Balzac said about this, you can’t express it: “Envy is the only vice that does not bring any satisfaction.”

It may be pleasant for someone to do nasty things to a person whom you envy, but they rarely deliver lasting pleasure. There are such people among my acquaintances, and sometimes I even feel sorry to see how they suffer.

Envy dries up the soul, which is usually reflected in the face - and especially in women. Envious ladies age very quickly - this is no longer morality, but a reliable fact: the folds that go from the wings of the nose to the corners of the mouth freeze in an indelible evil grimace.

From the life of sea worms

Of course, we are all people, and practically no one is free from envy. But you can get rid of her injections - if you wish. I remember well how a friend helped me to do this many years ago. Two years after graduating from university, we learned that our classmate had defended his doctoral dissertation. Seeing that my mood had deteriorated, Inna asked me:

Are you jealous of him?

Maybe…

What? Do you remember how in the second year in practice we walked at night under the stars, and he hung over the microscope. You yourself then said that his romance is in nemertines, and his poetry is in polychaetes - these are such sea worms. Could you do that?

Of course not.

Maybe you're jealous of his wife?

No, what are you!

The newly minted doctor of sciences was married to our classmate, who was not created for the role of a martyr, but almost became one. I don’t know if there were more particles of someone, a genius or a bore, in him, but I am equally afraid of the fate of both him and his wife.

Now tell me what are you jealous of?

And I realized that I absolutely do not want to be in the place of my classmate, and my own life is much more interesting to me. It also became clear how to deal with this destructive feeling. And I would like to share these findings with you.

So, if you caught yourself envying someone, then first of all try to cast aside emotions and calmly analyze the situation. Try to put yourself in the place of the person you envy.

Could you, by the way, even be in this place? Look at yourself critically, it's never harmful. Do you really need what you envy, or do you need something completely different?

In general, set your own goals for yourself and get on with your life without looking back at others. Believe me, it is much more pleasant when you are envied, despite even minor dirty tricks, than to envy yourself.

Psychologists say that people who have not been possessed by at least fleeting envy do not exist. If a negative feeling is recognized and worked out, then it becomes an incentive for the development of self-esteem. Uncontrolled emotions lead to destructive consequences. Envy, reborn into anger and hatred, has one goal - to bring the object of psychological jealousy as much suffering as possible.

Envy does not arise from the desire to possess something, but from the desire that someone lose something. Ancient philosophers called this feeling sadness for the well-being of one's neighbor. An envious person cherishes the thought of seeing the worthy dishonored, the rich - the poor, the happy - destitute.

Modern specialists in the field of social knowledge show a keen interest in the phenomenon of envy. There is an opinion that the division of society into different layers has strengthened the spirit of competition and rivalry in relation to close people. There is a widespread and long-term survivability of an unfavorable component in interpersonal relationships.

The person who is envied most often does not even suspect this, since the “rival” maintains partnerships. At the same time, being convinced of the intellectual, physical or material superiority, the envious intuitively experiences painful sensations that manifest themselves at various levels:

• Subconscious (inability to accept).
• Emotional instability (annoyance, anger, irritation).
• Behavior (the desire for physical impact on the subject of envy).

Let's take an example. Statistics is a stubborn thing, but it convinces that the reason for a large number of divorce proceedings is the betrayal of a spouse (wife) with a close friend (friend). In fact, a person who for a long time (perhaps from childhood) was considered a member of the family dreamed of one thing - to destroy it.

Women have a subconscious desire to be the most charming and attractive. And when a person who is superior in something appears in the immediate environment, this deals a severe blow to pride. Sometimes envy is born for the smallest reason:

• It would seem that the most banal reasons - a gadget of a new model appeared, they bought a chic dress at a discount, a guy gave way to public transport, a randomly purchased lottery ticket turned out to be winning, they can give rise to a spark of irritation. If happy accidents are repeated with an enviable frequency, a friend quietly begins to hate.
• Often beautiful girls choose girlfriends who do not differ in bright appearance. Some out of a feeling of pity, others in the hope of preventing rivalry in advance. This is a big mistake. A blooming girl causes allergies in withered friends.
• Teenagers need a smart companion when they are in school when they can roll up their homework or tests. But in adult life, rapid career advancement, especially if friends work in the same institution, is perceived as a personal insult. People are condescending to stupidity, and someone else's wisdom provokes envious negativity.

• The financial situation becomes an obstacle to respectable friendship. An envious person will never appreciate well-meaning gifts, although she will accept them with feigned gratitude. The higher the cost of the presentation, the more categorical the attitude. In some cases, partnerships are maintained purely out of mercantile motives.
• The main stumbling block is the man. If a friend is jealous of the appearance or position of a young man, this is not so bad. Envy will smolder slowly. But if she's in love with him, it's a disaster. A person with unregulated emotions goes to any tricks, just to get the object of adoration. Gossip, gossip begin, while absolutely fictional facts are presented as reality.
• A bad joke can be played by deliberate boasting of one's own merits and achievements. After all, as you know, luck loves silence. Boasting gives rise to intrigues and envy.
• The process of degeneration of envy into malice has the opposite effect - the transition of anger into an envious form. Unmotivated anger is a disease that destroys a person as a person. Up to a certain point, aggression accumulates inside, until it pours out on the heads of poor girlfriends.

Physiognomists are convinced that it is possible to understand the character and attitude of a person to any phenomenon by behavior, facial expressions, and gestures. In order to recognize the hidden feeling of annoyance in a friend, you should carefully look at her reactions to various circumstances.

Sample tests.

1. With special joy, tell about a happy event. Complete indifference or weak attempts to share violent emotions is a sign of cold rage.
2. Tell about the depressing events that touched your personal life. The envious woman will try to hide a jubilant smile behind false sympathy. With a fake reaction, a person tries to lull vigilance.
3. If your virtues become the topic of conversation among friends and colleagues, envious people turn their attention to their achievements.
4. Pay close attention while talking to a friend. A squinted look, retraction of the abdomen, like a predator before an attack, are indicators of an unfriendly attitude. Clenched fists speak of closeness from the outside world, from someone's feelings and experiences. In addition to compassion for her beloved, the envious feels nothing.
5. Unexpectedly boast of a decision in your favor, which a friend would not refuse. Suddenness will not allow time to hide negative emotions.
6. Share the secret and don't be surprised when the revelations become an "open secret." A favorite pastime of people with a black sense of envy is to discuss in detail other people's missteps for all to hear.
7. Envy can be embodied in a careful imitation of behavior, habits, style decisions in clothing.
8. Pay attention to the critical remarks of the companion, whether they have good reason. Perhaps the chic dress that she rejected was not so bad, and a handsome guy who wants to meet in a cafe does not look like a bandit at all.
9. Feeling your superiority and the goodwill of others, a friend tries to spoil the impression. There are any ways to enter - inappropriate jokes, nit-picking, stupid jokes.

But the tests don't always work. If the feeling of envy has just woken up, emotions will be under control. Be wary when a friend convinces you that she is jealous "in white." The lines between the so-called white and black envy are very thin. Boundaries are broken all at once.

An envious person in close surroundings, a kind of delayed-action explosive device. Moreover, you can’t guess when it will work and what consequences it will bring. Unlimited trust increases the chances of causing irreparable damage. From the meanness and deceit of the best friends, careers and destinies collapsed.

The employer will not understand the underlying reasons if he constantly hears about the insolvency of the employee, the inability to cope with his official duties. The lack of career growth can be tolerated, but it is not uncommon for a person to be left without work as a result of envious slander.

The saying that a friend in need is a friend is not always true. When you feel bad, the envious person is good. Her painful feeling rests peacefully. The catalyst for a negative reaction is success, prosperity, luck. With a heavy heart, a friend rejoices for you, while entangling you in a web of black lies. Colleagues suddenly find out that they promoted you not for professionalism and perseverance, but for ...

Gossip also works in relationships with loved ones. The spiteful woman will find a way to sow the seed of doubt in a loved one, how to quarrel with friends and acquaintances. Sometimes slander and slander stain the reputation for the rest of your life.

The free access of a petty creature to your family increases the risks of discord with your husband. While you are messing around with the children, cooking dinner, walking the dog, a friend, fragrant with aromas, enchants the owner with a sweet languid smile. Exaggeratedly praises male virtues, casually notices that they are undeservedly underestimated. Drop by drop, rebelliousness accumulates in the husband. The result is leaving the family.

Quite the opposite, the envious person will manipulate you, making you believe that this is not the person who is worthy to walk beside you all your life. Therefore, many modern girls and women practice friendships outside the home and family.

What to do if your friend is jealous of you

A person always has a choice. Convinced of hidden gloating, you need to decide in which version further events will develop.

Folk wisdom says: "Tell me who your friend is, and I will tell you who you are." Our environment as in a mirror reflects our well-being, success, life position. So maybe you should not attract unnecessary negative emotions to yourself?

Provocateurs of envy - the psychological characteristics of the female biological system. When judging a friend, one should not forget that an unbearable feeling can play a cruel joke on any person. If it is impossible to protect oneself from an envious person or the attachment is very strong, all possible actions should be taken.

Call a friend for a frank conversation, try to find out the true cause of hidden envy. You cannot replace a qualified psychotherapist, but finding the source of negativity will help reanimate the friendship.

If it turns out that the matter is in the young man to whom you devote all your free time, do not rush to extremes. There are personal boundaries that no one has the right to violate. You can introduce her to someone, but you don’t need to drag her on a string everywhere with you.

If a girl has complexes about her appearance and wardrobe, feed her friend's pride. Focus on her strengths. Maybe she has phenomenal stamina, an awesome figure, a breathtaking look.

Keep the line between support and servility. Excessive efforts to eradicate the discontent of a friend are fraught with the opposite effects. As in Ivan Krylov's fable "The Wolf and the Lamb": "You are to blame for the fact that I want to eat." Pathological envy will always find something to feed itself.

When trying to find sympathy from a friend in difficult situations, do not forget that sometimes she also has a need to lean on someone else's shoulder. If you use a friend as a pillow for tears, from time to time it’s good for you to be her. True friendship exists only on the condition: accepting - give!

Sincerity, openness, equality, mutual assistance, mutual respect are the definitions of real pure relationships, unclouded by malice and envy.

Is there a more stupid feeling than envy, when one person is annoyed at the well-being of another? Is there anything more ridiculous? And yet there is hardly anyone who has never experienced anything similar.

Someone claims that envy is a force that pushes us forward, forcing us to develop and strive for the best. But this is good only as long as envy does not go beyond reasonable limits and does not get out of control.

And today the editors of our site will tell you about the most terrible feeling on earth - female envy, which is especially striking. We will also talk about how to protect yourself from envious people and not become one of them yourself.

Feelings of envy

Stubborn statistics say that most often girls turn from girlfriends into worst enemies due to different physical data. There are plenty of reasons for envy: a slender figure, luxurious hair, a toned butt or chest. Especially big breasts.

Sometimes this envy is so sincere that it cannot be hidden, no matter how hard you try. And the all-seeing eye of the camera captures frames in which female envy is visible in full growth.

Yet envy is inherent in everyone, regardless of social status, cultural affiliation or gender. But if for guys this feeling more often turns into motivation, then for girls, who are inherently more emotional and touchy, everything is different.

Even as adults, many women harbor childhood grudges and refuse to put in the effort to get what they want. But they can spend all their energy on anger and envy blaming other people for their own helplessness.

And the more unfortunate the envious person, the more acutely she needs relief from suffering. Using gossip, intrigue and meanness, she gets satisfaction, warms her wounded soul. However, by concentrating all the forces not on herself, but on another person, the envious person wastes time, energy and other resources that she could invest in herself.

It also goes to the object of envy, who is unaware of the intrigues behind his back. And when envious people begin to spoil his career or relationships with other people, it's too late to fix something. However, you can protect yourself from the destructive influence of envious people.

BUT how to get rid of envy yourself? Psychologists on this occasion recommend turning on self-control, analyzing feelings and finding the real reasons for your emotions. Understand why the situation affects you so much and what you can do to achieve what you want.

Recognize the qualities that make you better than others. Understand that envy hinders your development and every day moves away from the realization of your innermost desires. While you are jealous - life passes by, bringing only disappointment, bitterness and bad thoughts.

Tell me how you fight envy and envious people.

Envy is a negative feeling that absorbs a person from the inside. It is directed at other people. An individual suffering from this feeling does not understand why someone has something that he did not get.

Unfortunately, an envious person can, under certain conditions, harm the people around him, because he also wants everything to be as bad for them as it is for him. Women's envy is a rather dangerous feeling that interferes with building normal relationships and adequately relating to the surrounding reality and other personalities. If someone is jealous of you, then you need to take action and minimize the problems that a person who is negatively minded can bring you.

Why is a woman jealous

A woman may feel jealous of her friend, because she is more successful, more beautiful, luckier in life, she has an attentive husband and good children. She may envy colleagues because they have reached great heights in their careers. A woman may be jealous of a rival if she communicates with a man she likes, or her former partner.

What can an envious woman do?

There can be many options for harm and revenge here. One example is the spreading of rumors and gossip that denigrates a person. People believe what they are told, so talking like this can do a lot of damage.

Another option is to send compromising photo and video files. An envious woman can do everything possible so that failures appear in your life, you quarrel with a loved one or get problems at work. Such people should be feared and excluded from your life, because female envy is based on strong emotions, and the one who experiences them is not always aware of the negative that she carries. The person you did not please is capable of any meanness just for the sake of making your life worse than it is now.

Signs of envy

How do you know if a person is really jealous of you? There are several signs that clearly indicate a certain attitude on the part of other people:

Sudden mood swings during communication. After you tell the good news, the person suddenly gets angry or says that you are fine, but I, look how bad it is.
Accusations, overt or covert, that everything is great in your life, but you do not want to understand how bad the other person is.
Gossip behind your back.
Criticism of the person who is envied.
Copying appearance and behavior. A lady who is jealous of another woman may begin to copy her style of dress, hairstyle, and manner of speaking.

Sometimes this happens unconsciously, but often it is noticeable to others.

Negativity about other people's success.
Expressing the opinion that a person is not worthy of what he received in life.
Emphasizing the mistakes and shortcomings of other people, while experiencing sincere joy and satisfaction.

How to deal with envy?

Suppose you know who your envious person is and do not want him to harm you or interfere with your life in any way. Basic rules that will help you deal with such a person.

1. An envious person, first of all, cannot build a relationship with himself. But you are not to blame for the problems of the inner world of another person, which means that you should not worry about this.

2. Keep communication to a minimum. Such a person rewards you negatively, even if he continues to smile sweetly. But that smile is deceiving. Female envy is an insidious feeling, you may not even suspect how they really treat you.

3. Stop telling such a person about what is happening in your life. Envy will grow from good news, and bad news will cause a feeling of satisfaction that you feel bad too. A person who has negative feelings for you really enjoys if bad things happen in your life. Such a woman will rejoice if you part with your husband or your children get into trouble.

4. Do not spread rumors in response, why would you stoop to such a level. The natural reaction of a person is to say or do something in response to insults, but this does not make sense. You may be able to punish the offender, but female envy is so powerful that you will be hit back again.

5. Do not prove to other people that everything that is said about you is not true. Of course, you can explain to relatives and friends what these rumors are and who they come from, but in no case should you make excuses. In fact, you should not care what they say about you, it's your life. A woman who dislikes you wants to make you start making excuses and end up making a mistake.

6. Be kind. Returning anger with anger is not a good choice. Try to be polite and calm when dealing with an envious person. There is no need to show excessive joy, but anger and conflicts in this case will not help, but will only make it worse.

7. Learn to abstract. Who is a woman who shows negative feelings to you? Why should you waste your mental strength on her if she is not able to cope with herself? By asking yourself these questions, you will learn to look at the situation and the people around you in a different way. Only the closest people matter to you.

Your strength is in you

People are well aware of self-doubt and weakness of the soul. However, this does not mean that you should feel superior to others. Often envy from strangers appears because of ourselves. Answer the following questions:

How often do you brag about your achievements to colleagues and friends?
Do you talk about your personal life, praising your husband and children?
Have you achieved more in life than your closest associates?
Do you make fun of people who have achieved less than you or are lower in status in conversation?

It is likely that female envy from colleagues, girlfriends or close relatives is provoked by your vivid stories about personal achievements. Unfortunately, people do not tolerate the success of others if they themselves have not taken place in life.

The environment in which you communicate is also important. Why did you choose this particular friend with whom you share your secrets? Perhaps she provokes you into a conversation, asking about your affairs and personal life. But what are her motives?

If you feel envy coming from a friend, then you should stop communicating with such a person, sooner or later she will strike her blow. We believe other people, but an envious person is able to deftly pretend.

You yourself have the power to choose the environment with which to communicate. You need to stay positive and determined to succeed while minimizing contact with people who make you feel threatened and negative.

You may feel sorry for your best friend, but have you ever thought about the fact that she deliberately makes you feel sorry in order to put pressure on you and instill self-doubt. Communicating with people who are constantly in a bad mood means attracting negativity to your life. Realizing that female envy is hurting you too, you can reduce its influence through the right actions on your part.

The most important rule when dealing with an envious person is to stop talking to her. It is important to surround yourself with positive and kind people who rejoice in your successes as if they were their own.