There is an opinion that people who reject the opportunity for themselves to fall in love and love do it out of fear of being rejected. Of course, most often we deny ourselves the satisfaction of this need precisely after some unsuccessful novels. We do have a fear that the dramatic episode may be repeated in a relationship with someone else. But it seems to me that most of us are aware that such a fear is still irrational, and a repetition is hardly possible, especially if we have analyzed everything, taken into account past mistakes, maybe even have already “mixed up” a new novel and he is quite well so far.
But the fear remains. Or… is it not fear? Or not just fear? I think that very often a sense of guilt is mixed with it, and a double one: both before a partner, because of whom we have suffered and continue to suffer, and before ourselves. What I mean? Look: let's say the breakup was painful, long and ... not very polite. You quarreled, shouted at each other, did not hesitate in expressions, beat the dishes. And you have to be completely unscrupulous and absolutely uncultured person, so as not to feel disgusting after such a "sincere manifestation of feelings."
This is where the guilt I was talking about comes in. “Yes, my ex is a fool and a jealous hysteric, but was I myself good when I yelled at her and brought her to tears?” “Yes, he is a bastard and a traitor, and my ex-girlfriend, who dragged him to bed, is a snake, and who am I in this story, after I publicly grabbed her hair, and secretly pierced his tires with an awl at night?” On the one hand, we feel guilty before the “guilty party”, on the other hand, we are guilty before ourselves: firstly, for our behavior, which is contrary to the rules of good education, and secondly, for this feeling of guilt itself, for the fact that we we test it.
I think that this is why any psychologist will tell you that you must part peacefully, without protracted and "bloody" battles. The less negative, the shorter and easier the recovery period will be, the less fear of new relationships.
How does this fear relate to the guilt I described? It seems to me that by forbidding ourselves to fall in love again, or at least try to show some kind of warm, sincere feelings, we kind of punish ourselves for their past, negative manifestations. For shouting and being rude to the previous partner, for maybe even taking revenge on him, taking the opportunity (they arranged a dismissal, said nasty things behind his back, wrote an anonymous letter, etc.). In general, for the fact that they showed themselves not from the best side. And thus, they suddenly discovered something in themselves that they cannot like, something that does not increase self-esteem and does not add self-respect. We turned out to be worse than we thought about ourselves - which means we don’t deserve to be happy again! So we arrange an execution for ourselves: a bad / th boy / girl - so here you are, here you are, here you are again!
The worst thing in this situation is not even that we ourselves suffer - well, since we like to engage in self-torture, so for God's sake, this is our choice, although most often unconscious. But our new partner will suffer along with us, feeling rejected and not understanding why this is happening, what is wrong with him, what is he doing wrong? That is, it turns out that we, as it were, infect with the guilt of another person who has absolutely nothing to do with what happened to us before.
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Vicious circle? Unfortunately, this is often true. Probably, that is why a person then comes to an appointment with a psychologist or psychotherapist and declares: nothing works out in my personal life, everything is bad! What an obsession! Help!
Can we help ourselves without outside interference? We probably still can. Another thing is that not everyone succeeds. After all, many do not even understand what is happening to them.
But what if we do understand? What to do? How to get rid of guilt?
Someone will say: you need to forgive. Forgive yourself and your ex. Actually, this is a really good way. But even here, not everything is smooth: not all of us know how to forgive.
To forgive does not mean to say to oneself: I forgive my debtors. It means to stop feeling anger towards them. It’s not that you don’t remember what this person once or recently did to you, and not suffer because of these actions of his in the present. This, unfortunately, is something many people cannot do at all.
Sometimes it is difficult to forgive because it seems to you that you are not angry, do not feel resentment. This most often happens to men: embarrassed to show emotions (such as “it’s not a man’s business to chew snot”), they drive their injuries deep into the soul, into the subconscious, and they still crawl out at the most inopportune moment ... It’s easier for women also because that they can complain to their girlfriends: “Oh, girls! He's such a goat!" And the girls support: “Goat, goat! Burn in hell, you bastard!" For a man, such psychotherapy is hardly possible: well, he won’t talk at length over a bottle of vodka in the company of friends how he suffers because of “this bitch”. On the contrary, he will put on a mask of dispassion, they say, everything is fine! I'm fine! And his friends will support him in this: yes, you are a real man!
If you only pretend in front of others that you are not hurt, but alone with yourself you admit that yes, it still hurts and very much, this is not so bad. You are much more likely to come out of the situation as a winner, spending the least amount of time and mental strength on processing the negative and personal growth. It is worse for those who, in principle, are unable to recognize themselves as vulnerable or for some reason cannot afford to admit this.
The latter are, as a rule, people with a pronounced masculine principle in the traditional sense, or who grew up in a patriarchal family, who from an early age were instilled with the idea that girls are weaker by definition, that they need to yield in everything, “a woman is always right”, “ a real man will not argue with a woman,” etc. In such men, an almost reflex condescension towards a woman has been developed. The strength of such a person is that such a man, as a rule, is not able to raise his voice to a woman, utter rude or obscene words against her, and even more so to hit. However, it is precisely because of this quality - condescension - that such a person can hurt very painfully involuntarily, due to a sudden surge of suppressed negative emotions. And it is not at all necessary, unfortunately, that this “explosive wave” will be directed at the true culprit of his pain, which would be at least fair.
Of course, this can happen to women as well. Imagine this situation: her man is just perfect, a dream come true! He doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t abuse communication with friends, is almost more attentive to his mother-in-law than to his own mother, makes good money, is gentle, caring, smart ... but she doesn’t love him! Well, he does not like - and that's it! And she does not understand herself, and knows that none of her relatives will understand her. Sooner or later, she begins to hate this person, and the more diligently she persuades herself that everything is fine, the stronger the hatred will be. And even parting with such a man does not guarantee the end of this hatred.
There is only one way out of this situation, it seems to me. Admit to yourself that there are people because of whom we suffer. Admit to ourselves that we are offended by them. That we hate them. That they hurt us. And allow yourself to feel the pain. Here is a small child: he fell, broke his knee. The wound is not dangerous, but he cries as if something terrible has happened. But after an hour he will calm down and it will be fun to play on. Allowing himself to feel his pain to the fullest, he gets rid of it, and in the future it does not interfere with him.
It is the same with mental suffering. Ignore the voice of reason that tells you that you are wrong in relation to your ex-partner or some other significant people in your past or present. If you feel betrayed, allow yourself to cry about it. Tell yourself or a friend you trust: I hate him/her! He's a goat/bitch! I feel bad and it's his/her fault!
Remember: in order to be cured, you need to recognize yourself as sick! Sooner or later, maybe even very quickly, you will gradually begin to heal. And the process of your healing will begin just at the moment when you boldly and openly face your pain. And you will accept it, because the ability to experience it is also part of you ... and who said that it is not one of the best?

Cheating on a husband is never accidental, and it happens much less frequently than male adultery. This is confirmed by inexorable statistics, which say that about 60 percent of spouses cheat on wives from time to time, while among the female half of humanity, only 40 percent of ladies cheat on their husbands. Moreover, most of the latter enter into an intimate relationship on the side only once, having a specific reason for that. What? In fact, women because of the reasons given to them by their partner, which can be very different.

Reasons for cheating on your husband

Awareness of the need to change a partner because of a certain "inferiority" of her husband. We can talk about impotence, inability to conceive a child, etc.

Poor performance of bed duties by the spouse - a mismatch of sexual appetites (the wife remains "unloved"), boring, lack of pleasure from too short contacts.

Desire for novelty. Despite the monogamy attributed to female nature, unsatisfied women in marriage can be tempted to cheat on their husband by curiosity, the need to compare him with another man. If adultery occurs for this reason, it can be stated that the woman fell out of love (or never loved): her spouse.

Cheating can come from a sense of revenge for your abused love. Even if feelings for the traitor have not cooled down, due to infidelity, the woman seeks to return to her husband the pain that she felt because of his campaign to the left, or to assert herself in her wounded female attractiveness.

Sex on the side of the wife can also happen because of contempt for her husband, for example, because of his alcohol or drug abuse.

Women who remain without a husband for a long time also change, especially if the missus is absent for a disrespectful occasion. If he is not at war or earnings, then he gives his wife an unspoken impetus for treason.

How to get rid of guilt in front of a spouse

Can cheating be justified? Of course, if it happened for the above reasons, a woman can be partly understood without putting a stigma on her as a walker. Unfortunately, not all women who accidentally or intentionally "went to the left" live in harmony with their conscience. Most unfaithful spouses, as a rule, are tormented by feelings of guilt towards their husband. Why does this happen and how to cope with such a depressing state?

Psychologists say that guilt is most often formed from the fear of losing a person and his good attitude towards himself. In the case of a husband, an unfaithful wife may suffer, however, not only from the fear of losing her beloved, but also because of doubts about whether it is worth continuing the relationship if the betrayal was really sweet. In the latter case, love between spouses, most likely, has passed, at least on the part of the woman.

The easiest way to deal with guilt is to tell your husband about your sin and ask for his forgiveness. Of course, it is difficult to predict the reaction of a man, but it definitely will not be positive. It may even lead to divorce. So think carefully about whether it's worth risking the relationship you want.

If you decide to hush up the fact, you can ask for forgiveness from your husband ... in his absence. Put his photograph in front of you and tell her the whole situation, sincerely repenting of your adultery. Sometimes you can get rid of the feeling of guilt that haunts you by talking about a difficult situation to someone close to whom you are sure.

In addition, you can state the problem on paper in full detail, writing the reasons that pushed you to adultery, and how you repent of your misconduct. After re-reading your confession, burn it or tear it into small pieces, getting rid of the negativity that fills your soul.

Analyze the reasons that pushed you to cheat, draw conclusions from what happened, try to think about how you will behave further with your husband and, of course, mentally promise that you will no longer deceive your loved one.

If none of the above helps, and guilt literally "eats" you from the inside, it is better to contact a psychologist who will help you resolve such a difficult situation for you.

Thirty-year-old Inna is happily married, but one day at a retreat she could not resist the charm of her colleague. Since then, Inna has been tormented, trying to justify her fleeting betrayal. “I was young, shy and melted when a confident older man started courting me,” says Inna. “However, I feel very bad after this story, I feel terribly guilty.”

A serious word is "guilty". So, we are not so liberated? Not so easy to deceive your spouse or partner? Gestalt therapist Marina Baskakova is sure that guilt is just evidence of the value of relationships: we value them and fear that we could harm them.

“If we say “treason,” then we are talking about an established couple. While the choice of a partner has not yet been made and we are comparing opportunities, including sexual ones, we do not call it cheating and do not feel guilty.

Providing unfaithful spouses with convincing alibis has even spawned a special kind of business - there are agencies that offer such services. And this despite the fact that the law no longer considers adultery a crime. Divorce has become so commonplace that it does not surprise anyone, much less outrages, and on dating sites, many men and women do not hide their status as married.

Deciding to cheat is not easy, it does not remain without consequences and always requires some kind of justification.

Maybe infidelity is something like a fashion to follow, discarding morality and suppressing guilt? However, sociologist Charlotte Le Van interviewed dozens of unfaithful spouses and now claims the exact opposite: “It struck me that today, except for those whom I called “principled traitors,” that is, hedonists who have elevated the search for pleasure into a life principle, no one enters into extramarital relationships. just. It is not easy to decide on treason, it does not remain without consequences and always requires some kind of justification.

What pushes us to change

Psychologists seek to explore the underlying causes of infidelity. “Behavior is influenced by many hidden motives,” notes psychologist Maryse Vaillant, “and sometimes the true essence is far from what is on the surface. Maybe the lover of women seduces them because he is driven by a desperate desire to return his mother's love, and not just because of the sexual dissatisfaction that he says he feels in his relationship with his wife.

According to Marina Baskakova, infidelity sometimes turns out to be a way ... to keep a couple! "Family therapy uses the concept of 'invited third'," she says. - This secret accomplice in family life helps to defuse the tension that accumulates in a couple, and thereby maintains the existence of the union. Moreover, this tension is not always sexual in nature. A "traitor" can make up for the lack of interest in his affairs, care, recognition.

For someone who chronically cheats for the sake of new experiences, I would first of all ask how creatively he is realized: in this way, the lack of creativity in life is often compensated. And for women who have sacrificed, for example, a career or personal development for the sake of the family, betrayal can be a way to free themselves from the role of the guardian of the hearth, a return to their own essence.

Covert and overt

As long as we do not want to change our relationship in a couple and avoid hurting a partner, we are able to hide our adventures on the side. “If “evidence” appears: traces of lipstick on the collar, unerased sms on the phone, this is not at all an accidental oversight, Marina Baskakova is sure. - This is a kind of message for a partner: “Something went wrong! Pay attention to me!"

Often, betrayal becomes an occasion to discuss relationships, to overestimate their importance to each other. “Guilt is a complex experience,” says the Gestalt therapist. - If we analyze it, we will find that there is a lot of excitement, animation, even joy in it. To better understand this, you can imagine a child who ate a candy without asking or went for a walk without elders. And the reaction of the one who is deceived is also a strong feeling. The strength of these emotions gives the couple a new surge of energy that can move a frozen relationship off the ground.”

An open discussion can lead to different results. Perhaps the partners will recognize that their union no longer brings satisfaction, and will come to the idea of ​​parting. But it happens the other way around: feelings for each other come to life. “If a couple manages to resolve the conflict, the relationship between partners becomes stronger,” says Marina Baskakova.

I know that you know

47-year-old Ilona tells how she discovered the disappearance of her love diary. “It was all written in the form of appeals to a man, an affair with which lasted about a year. Even when we broke up, I continued to lead him for some time. Very eloquent photographs were also pasted there - we looked at each other with loving eyes. The notebook was hidden under my linen in a dresser drawer.

One fine day I wanted to re-read the diary, and it turned out that it was not there! I had no doubt that my husband found it. There was simply no one else. I can't describe how I felt then. Anger and guilt, shame and fear… I was preparing for a decisive explanation, a frank confession and the fact that it could lead to a break. However, time passed, nothing happened, the husband was silent.

About a month later, I guessed to look in his desk - and for sure, the diary was found in one of the drawers. I picked him up and took him to his parents. My husband and I did not say a word about this incident. But I realized how much he cares about me. It was very important for me to make sure that our relationship means so much to him that he is ready to give up his pride in order to keep it.”

The guilt of one partner can turn him into an object of manipulation by another.

Cheating is not something that one of the partners does out of any connection with the other, it is something that happens to a couple. “Not “with him” or “with her”, but “with us,” emphasizes Marina Baskakova. - Therefore, accusations and self-accusations are meaningless. The feeling of guilt of one partner can turn him into an object of manipulation of another: changed - make a gift, fulfill the request.

But only by asking ourselves: why did this betrayal happen, that I am trying to find what kind of need I want to satisfy - we get a chance to understand the meaning of what is happening to us as a couple.

A new definition of love

Like all primates, we are naturally polygamous, but morally and socially, we function as monogamous creatures. It turns out that we live in a state of constant conflict: our biological nature is in conflict with the value system. And we need explanations to ease our consciences.

“When desire conflicts with our social and moral selves, we are forced, under the threat of a mental breakdown, to rationalize everything, to look for an explanation for everything,” notes Maryse Vaillant. - We accuse our partners of imperfection, based on the false premise that if they satisfied us, it would never occur to us to look for sexual pleasures on the side.

There is a process of consuming love and turning it into a tool for serving our needs. We are supposed to get full satisfaction from love. And if this is not so, then we are trying to make up for this deficiency, sometimes with the help of betrayals. However, the path to a real relationship opens only through the contact of the unconscious of two people. This is what we should strive for, this is what, if it does not protect us from betrayal, it will help to feel our relationship with another person in all their depth and complexity.

And maybe this will lead us to a more “human” form of love: true, but at the same time aware of our inner structure, not deceiving us about the person we should take care of first of all ... about ourselves.

Arguments of infidelity

Kirill, 58 years old, TV presenter

“I remained faithful to my wife for twenty years, although after our daughter was born, Marina began to devote less time to me. It's hard for a man to deal with this. Once I met a younger woman, and we began a stormy romance. I told Marina about it. I was hoping to awaken something in her in this way. But this led to a terrible crisis.

We broke up, then got back together. The same was true with my mistress. Jealousy attacks, breakups, returns ... For a year I rushed between two women, then turned to a psychotherapist. Little by little I realized what was really happening to me.

When I was four years old, my mother, who was too busy with her work, assigned my aunt to raise me. The apparent lack of love on the part of the wife revived in me the memory of the same lack of love on the part of the mother. In addition, I felt how time was running out, I was afraid to grow old. The new novel is a revival, albeit an illusory one. You feel young and beautiful.

I broke up with my girlfriend. I realized that Marina loves me. She could have left me, but she didn't. Besides, I couldn't leave her and my daughter. This story, among other things, taught me how to grow old. This, however, does not prevent me from constantly looking at the girls. But just look!”

Vera, 40, restaurant owner

“I am from Belarus. I met my future husband when I was 23. We got married, our eldest daughter was born, then we moved to Moscow. That was not easy. I did not work, my husband often left. He was very attentive, always brought gifts, called me. I got pregnant again.

One evening they called me and told me that my husband had been deceiving me for three years. It was a shock. All the trust I had in him vanished instantly. The second daughter was born, our life returned to its previous track, but everything went awry, we no longer had sexual relations. Every evening I went out to have fun. A year later, I started my first affair. It wasn't revenge, as I no longer cared how my husband felt.

Then I had a real romance that lasted three years. I wanted to love and be loved, but not be bound by obligations. When my lover left his wife and asked me to live together, I stopped everything. Since then, I have no one. I still live with my husband. I am not interested in his life, he is not interested in mine. We do not get divorced: we have a calm relationship, the children have both parents ...

But I can't even think of creating something new. I don't want to take any more risks. I can't call myself happy or unhappy. I protect what I have."

Zhanna, 37 years old, university lecturer

“I have been married for fifteen years. I love my husband with all my heart and he loves me back. He is the man of my life. We have two kids. Our sex life is rich, full of love, we have sex often, and I am always surprised when I listen to my girlfriends talk about their relationships with their husbands. Sex often does not bring them joy. They are rather indifferent to it, it is a routine, an everyday thing.

There is only one "but" ... In order to live normally, I need meetings with other men. I meet them online or at work. I need to constantly feel that I am desirable, seductive, I need new physical sensations. You see, even if you love chocolate cakes and you can eat them at any time, you still sometimes want candied fruit, or meringue, or cotton candy.

There is nothing humiliating for my husband in what I do, quite the contrary. None of my novels have lessened the desire I have for him. It seems to me that this cannot be called treason - after all, nothing changes in our life, and I am not doing this in order to get rid of him. He doesn't know anything. And I can't imagine that I'll ever tell him about it. I value my family very much.”

In some families, situations sometimes arise when a husband cheated on his wife or spouse, unable to cope with guilt before the second half, filed for divorce. Moreover, opinions on this matter are often very different.

Summary of the article

This gave me the idea to talk about adultery, its causes and consequences. Let’s take a look at the issue of guilt as an example. Today we will not judge anyone or put ourselves in the place of traitors / deceived, we will consider everything from the side of disinterested persons and draw our own conclusions. Perhaps this will help someone better understand their beloved (s) or feel a sense of relief themselves. In any case, even the strongest married couples are not immune from infidelity, so you should not condemn a person without finding out the reasons for this or that act.

What is treason, how dangerous is it

In a broad sense, cheating is a physical relationship with a person who is your couple or legal husband / wife. For the second half, infidelity is a terrible betrayal, indicating a violation of unspoken agreements between partners. That is, it is not at all necessary to voice the requirement to a potential spouse “Be faithful to me and do not look at others.” At the moment when people are in a pair - this is implied without any words.

But the moment your loved one has an affair with someone else, that's a real blow. Firstly, adultery destroys the foundation of strong relationships - trust and respect. . There is no guarantee that this is a one-time misunderstanding and it happened by a fatal accident. Perhaps you have been deceived for years, and a happy family life turned out to be a soap bubble for testing. To know this is very painful and insulting, as if bathed in a vat of mud.

Secondly, even if, despite the pitfalls, a person decides to “turn to the left”, then it will be easy for him to violate other agreements within the couple. If a woman has cheated, it costs nothing for her to take the children and, using delays in the law, to forbid them from communicating with their father. In turn, male infidelity is no better. Often there are cases when a husband does not allow his wife to work and promises to provide for her under any circumstances ... Only in reality, when a new passion appears, he can also simply throw the missus out on the street without a livelihood.

And thirdly, betrayal makes you feel unloved, unwanted and completely alien to the second half. Physical intimacy and attraction are a sign of undying feelings for a partner. It is in bed that the sensitivity and care of a lover or beloved is manifested, and there is also a special closeness between spouses. When there is nothing like that, then both the man and the woman begin to doubt their own attractiveness. Their self-esteem and self-esteem are reduced, which leads to depression and a complete lack of interest in their own person. Instead of shaking themselves up, putting themselves in order or changing their image, they turn into something shapeless and faceless.

Why do we change

People have a lot of reasons for such an act and there is no one universal reason that would explain everything. Someone is polygamous by nature and cannot remain faithful to a permanent partner. This is a physiological need, which often does not affect feelings for a soulmate. It’s just that the instinct of such a person is much stronger, and at the sight of an attractive girl or man, the brain simply gives up, surrendering to the hands of sizzling passion.

Some are seduced in moments of weakness or intoxication. This usually happens away from home, at corporate parties, parties, or at the time of blockage in the workplace. In fairness, it must be said that cunning women or self-confident men are ready to “hatch” the victim for weeks. Seducers are often guided by exclusively selfish goals. For example, a pretty secretary has her eye on a wealthy boss and is trying to take him away from her family for the sake of a comfortable life. And a narcissistic colleague is trying to persuade a woman who has not previously committed bad deeds solely for fun. He takes pleasure in manipulating people's lives, etc.

Adultery is also a consequence of low self-esteem or a desire to assert oneself. Perhaps the wife or husband does not pay enough attention due to overwork, and the person turns everything at his own expense and translates into a strong offense. With infidelity, he seems to be shouting to the whole world, "Look, I'm worth something, they want and lust for me."

Experts agreed that there are a thousand reasons for treason. It's hard to pinpoint a specific one. The only thing psychologists agree on is that such an event does not pass without a trace for a couple, and it does not mean at all that there is no love between partners. Hence, each of the parties has a burning sense of guilt for what they have done.

If unpleasant emotions gnaw at you or your soulmate after infidelity, then all is not lost. This is a good sign and suggests that love has not gone away. Worse, if the traitor is not tormented by guilt. So he shows a disregard attitude and he doesn’t care how much it hurts the other person now.

What causes guilt

Gestalt psychologists believe that the betrayer only experiences guilt when he feels fear. This may be a fear of punishment from a partner, a fear of being alone or revealing one's imperfect nature. Many unfaithful spouses cannot live in peace after their deed, even if there were reasons for this or adultery was committed in a state of extreme intoxication.

Regardless of the situation, the unfaithful person is tormented by an oppressive feeling inside, not knowing how best to act. Also, doubts are often mixed with emotional torment. People are considering whether to save a relationship where adultery happened, analyze the situation and decide whether any romantic feelings remain.

How to get rid of guilt