Where does this feeling come from and why does it affect a person so much?

It is natural for every person to be offended. Even today, on the way to work, someone accidentally stepped on your foot and did not apologize. It's a shame? Of course! Or the day before, a loved one said or did something wrong. It's a shame? Still would! Or you yourself, thinking, took a sip of too hot coffee and burned yourself. And then they were offended: at themselves, at coffee and at the whole world. Here's the problem...

Despite the fact that the feeling of resentment is very common and every person experiences it regularly, it is necessary to understand its harmfulness and succumb to this feeling as little as possible. Where does this feeling come from and why does it affect a person so much?

Nobody can be offended by anything!

The person himself decides whether to be offended or not. In most cases, of course, he is offended: how else to take the unfair remark of the boss, how to react to the departure of a loved one to someone, in your opinion, less valuable, how else to show the world your dissatisfaction with the standard of living?

In their grievances, adults look somewhat ridiculous and look like toddlers who seek attention with grievances and copious tears.

What can a person achieve who has long passed this age, but has not stopped being offended by reason and for no reason, and he is seriously offended and believes that this feeling will somehow help him in life?

He does not understand that resentment is a destructive feeling that hinders the development of his personality. Resentful people never succeed in any area of ​​life.
If you allow resentment into your soul and allow it to settle there, it will become the main feeling that does not allow other feelings to develop. It will also begin to destroy in the bud all the most noble human impulses necessary for personal growth.
Resentment is the main obstacle in achieving goals.
Resentment is the cause of diseases that arise on the physical plane.
Do you understand how serious this is?!

At the heart of all grievances are unjustified expectations and unfulfilled desires.

When communicating with close people to whom you are not indifferent, you are in constant expectation of something: here mom will buy a doll (she didn’t buy it); here is my boyfriend today, for my sake, he will be released from work earlier, and we will go to a cafe (didn’t get free, didn’t go); my child will perfectly learn English and enter the most prestigious faculty of the most prestigious university (he didn’t learn it, he didn’t get in - he generally likes to treat animals). And off we go: insults arise out of the blue, practically from your fantasies, reproaches fall on the heads of relatives and friends, as if from a cornucopia, and they do not understand what, in fact, the problem is and begin to consider themselves guilty of your invented "woe ".

Thus, a resentful person destroys not only himself, but also imposes destructive feelings on his loved ones.

So that resentment does not destroy your world, your plans, your personality, you need to learn how to transform this negative feeling into positive energy of success and development:

1. Let go of resentment, get rid of it. If you are offended by a particular person or people, forgive them and in any way available to you let them know that you are not offended by them, but consider them teachers in your life: write to them about this, send an SMS, call. If they do not want to see and hear you, or you do not want to hear them, use the visualization method - imagine the person you are forgiving very clearly and clearly, and say the forgiveness phrase with all sincerity and love. Forgive not for show, but with all my heart.

2. Try not to let resentment deep into your soul. Get rid of unpleasant situations and unpleasant people. Remember that offended and aggressive people are energy vampires and with their resentment they provoke you to contact in order to feed on your fresh energy at least a little. Don't give them that chance.

3. Don't make sudden moves to achieve your goals. If you have built some kind of desire in your head (to become rich, to become loved), move towards it very smoothly and carefully, do not waste time on unnecessary grievances (it didn’t work out today), but gradually enter into resonance with this desire, demonstrating calmness, and not excessive interest (if I don’t get this, I won’t be able to live straight).

As a result, a person understands that he failed to achieve his goal, becomes disappointed, takes offense at life, at himself, at the Universe, which supposedly did not help him, and ceases to act, which means it ceases to develop.

4. Stop expecting from those around you the model of behavior you need, some positive changes in your opinion right here and now, remember that the Universe functions according to the principle “No one owes anything to anyone”;

Resentment is a consequence of pride and inability to communicate. False self-exaltation makes a person perceive himself, his beloved, as a super-being: I am the most beautiful, I am the smartest, I am the most successful. And the Universe and other people perceive him as ordinary, the leader gives him a reprimand for being late, as an ordinary worker, his beloved girl leaves him for another, because she does not find anything interesting for herself in this person. The “super-being” does not understand why he, such an ideal being, is underestimated, and begins to protect himself and defend himself from the world with resentment.

But even the most infected person with vanity and resentment can transform their destructive emotions into creative energy. Everything gets better through sincere forgiveness.

Forgive those around you, forgive everyone who is far or near, everyone who is alive and who is no longer there, if they offended you with something.

But most importantly, forgive yourself!

According to statistics, most people harbored the most resentment against themselves: they could have done it, but they didn’t; Do not accumulate grievances, and if you have accumulated, it is in your power to turn them into energy for development and personal growth. And it’s not too late at any age to say: “I was wrong, but I forgive myself and allow myself to achieve the goals that I deserve!”.

A real man never takes offense at a woman?

I do not agree. In this case, real man must be a cold and unfeeling extra. Ken for Barbie. And that doesn't happen in life. In life, we experience emotions, sometimes strong ones. And besides, I do not think that if a woman or a person who calls herself a woman hits a man in the face, then this phrase will help her.

As for me, then be it real a man or not real, he is first of all a person ... also with feelings, emotions, his perception of a particular situation! I think that it may well be offended, move! A man is the same child, only big and adult!

Being offended is stupid, especially for a man. Resentment is a manifestation of a person’s pride, a desire to somehow humiliate the offender, depriving him of communication. All this stems from impotence, from the inability to act for various reasons. This emotion has a very bad effect on health, the lungs suffer first of all. Offended - you punish yourself.

Resentment is more characteristic of emotional natures, with a pronounced feminine principle. The more masculinity in a person, the less resentment in him. In this sense, yes - a real man never takes offense at a woman - why, if you can act, and not suffocate with resentment.

Yes. Being offended by a woman is as natural as being offended by a small child.

A real man will listen to grievances-speech from his beloved, calm her down, warm her up on his chest ... . And the sun! You may not believe it, but that's enough.

It depends on what you mean by a real man. Men are already given too many responsibilities, they say he must be strong, the woman must be behind him like behind a stone wall, and so on.

In my understanding, a real man is one who does not draw conclusions from scant data. After all, isn’t this what most often serves as a reason for resentment? =)

If he is offended, then there is a reason for it, and then in the question of offense, all attention falls on the woman, of course. =)

And men can do anything, albeit offended. The main thing is not to offend. Then this is no longer a real man, but ... artificial? Ha ha ha. Where there is a real one, there is an antonym for it artificial. Are there artificial men, that's another question! =)

A real man understands why a woman does one way or another, her logic. Calculates it.

And not offended, because it is useless.

Accepts the fact, and draws conclusions and appropriate actions.

For example, he packs her things, puts them on the terrace, and calls her a taxi.

And just asks her if she understands why.

Without emotions, just tired of his own emotions in a voice.

For him, it simply does not mean anything anymore, a turned page, a mistake, a wrong step.

How can you be offended by the past?

A real man thinks that a real woman should have. their little weaknesses, such peculiar jumpsquot ;, which you don’t need to pay attention to, let alone be offended by them - it's just childish. A man will calmly perceive this situation as a kind of whim on the part of a woman and will not kindle a fire of abuse and discontent.

Yes, a real man never takes offense at a woman, because a real man does not take offense at anyone at all. Do you know why? Yes, because instead of resentment, he calmly, completely calmly draws conclusions and makes objective decisions. No hard feelings. I remember that in my youth, my first wife disrespectfully treated my parents, so disrespectfully that it was no longer included in any framework. Do you think I was offended? Not at all. I just made a conclusion and made the right decision, which I have not regretted for 25 years.

A man also has the right to be offended by a woman. Just like a woman can be offended by a man. The main thing is that this does not happen for nothing, for any even the most insignificant reason. So that this does not lead to a long quarrel and a break in relations.

Of course, he is offended ... Otherwise, he would be a robot, not a person. Resentment is a natural reaction to an injustice that was committed against a specific person. Another question is what is the reaction to insult. So, in my opinion, a real man knows how to forgive an offense, but he never forgets about it, because it turns out that having forgotten about the offense, he did not draw certain conclusions for himself, and it is absolutely necessary to draw them so as not to repeat a similar situation in the future. The correct male reaction to an offense is a whole art. Sometimes it can be very difficult to separate an ordinary, ordinary female hysteria from the true relationship of a woman to a man.

A real man can be offended by a woman. But he will never betray her, and even more so he will never leave. He will weigh everything and find a way out. He will inform her of what she was wrong and will try to help her. such men. More and more often you meet when they begin to sort things out, or even be rude in the vet. A real man does not stoop to that.

Learn not to be offended. It's very difficult, but so useful!

Free your soul from insults... and you won't notice how the soul will take off!)

In the east there lived a sage who taught his disciples this way:

“People offend in three ways. They may say that you are stupid, they may call you a slave, they may call you mediocre. If this happened to you, remember a simple truth: only a fool will call another a fool, only a slave is looking for a slave in another, only mediocrity justifies what he does not understand himself, with someone else's madness. Therefore, never be offended by anyone, and do not insult yourself.

Start simple: wish all the best to the people who hurt you once.

No need to carry around stupid suitcases of grievances. If only because if the hands are occupied with something bad, then it is impossible to take something good from them.

The wiser a person becomes

the less he finds reasons for resentment.

No one can hurt me if I don't allow it myself.

Mahatma Gandhi ---

You should not be offended by the person who offended you - in his soul he is offended more.

No one is interested in hurting you, no one is waiting for an opportunity to hurt you, everyone is busy guarding their own wound.

The inner world does not tolerate a mess. Take a "broom" and get out in the shower. It's time to finally sweep away all the grievances and sorrows that have accumulated there, losses and disappointments. It's time to finally make room for something truly new, bright, clean and beautiful.

You don't forgive others to heal them. You forgive others to heal yourself.

Chuck Hilling

A happy woman cannot be offended...

You can only make her laugh!

If you have learned not to be offended, it means that you have learned to look into the heart of another.

Defiant behavior towards you is not a personal insult to you, it is a measure of a person's suffering. This is how he shows you how much he hurts and how much compassion he needs.

They may say that you are stupid, they may call you a slave, they may call you mediocre. If this happened to you, remember a simple truth: only a fool will call another a fool, only a slave is looking for a slave in another, only mediocrity justifies what he does not understand himself with someone else's madness. Therefore, never be offended by anyone, and do not insult yourself, so as not to be considered stupid mediocre slaves.

Happy people cannot be evil. Only those who are unhappy themselves try to offend others. Your offender did not try to offend you. He was only projecting onto you what was the real purpose of his aggression. (Anthony de Mello)

The more resentment, the more I lose strength.

Resentment is the problem of the one who is offended. This means that it was you who did not have enough mental strength for this person, it was you who could not cope with yourself.

If you are full of strength, energy, if you feel good simply because it is spring outside, and you feel strength and power in yourself - is a person in such a state capable of being offended by someone? When we are full of energy, resentment passes us by. If we are offended, it means that there is already an outflow of energy somewhere, which means that you have not tracked your condition somewhere and have not taken measures to bring yourself back to normal. So what about other people?

Why are you offended that no one thought of you and did not wash the dishes on your birthday? Why didn't you warn about it yourself, didn't you say? Why are you silently, angrily gritting your teeth, doing something, instead of asking someone to help you? Why do you build dramatic images and feel sorry for yourself to tears? Why? Maybe you want to torture yourself?

Any of our resentment is connected with our self-esteem, in other words, with our ego. That is, we are offended that they underestimated us, did not foresee our desires, did not think about us in the first place.

(quotes from the article "Adult children of resentment" - Maria Petrochenko - Wheel of Life June 2013)

When the same people are around you, it somehow turns out by itself that they enter your life. And having entered your life, after a while they want to change it. And if you do not become the way they want to see you, they are offended. After all, everyone knows exactly how to live in the world. For some reason, no one can manage their own life.

Paulo Coelho "The Alchemist"

Do not litter your memory with insults, otherwise there may simply not be room for wonderful moments!

Blaming others is such a small trick to use whenever you don't want to take responsibility for what happens in your life. Use it - and you are guaranteed a life without risk and a slowdown in your own development.

Resentment provides two important benefits that are not easy for people to give up. The first is in condemnation, and the second is in the feeling of being right.

Most people get angry because of grievances that they themselves have made up, giving deep meaning to trifles.

No one is able to offend you without your consent.

I still don't understand why people stay angry at each other for a long time. Life is already unforgivably short, it’s impossible to really do anything, there is so little time that, one might say, it doesn’t exist at all, even if you don’t spend it on all sorts of stupid things like quarrels.
Max Fry

No matter for what reason you were insulted, it is best not to pay attention to the insult - after all, stupidity is rarely worthy of indignation, and anger is best punished with neglect.
Samuel Johnson

If a donkey kicks you, don't kick him back.Plutarch

Resentment is actually a way of leaving and protecting one's own "I". (Rollo May - The Art of Psychological Counseling)

I want to note right away that there are no “bad”, negative feelings. That is, any unpleasant feeling performs a certain necessary personality function. Therefore, when a person says: "I never take offense" - there is nothing good in it. Either he has lost his sensitivity, or he is holding back his emotional reactions, or there are some other reasons.

Why are we afraid to feel hurt?

In some cases, because in early childhood we were often told that being offended is very bad: “They carry water on the offended.” Or another "wonderful" expression: "Be higher than this." Another wording of the same: "The fools are not offended." Parents do not even think about the fact that with such words they bring up pride in a child.

The other extreme is when they say: “Stop it! It's OK!" And in this way they urge the child not to feel what he really feels. Resentment as a feeling is a very important signal for a person that something in his relationship with others is not in order. It is important to understand what this signal is about.

Unmet expectations

If we look at the essence of resentment, we will see that when a person is offended, it means that his expectations from another person or from the world have not been met. A reasonable question that a person can ask himself is - how adequate were my expectations? Did the other person who allegedly offended me know that it hurts me or that I don’t want to? Does he know what I expected from him?

And if the answer to this question is no, then why be offended? In this case, you need to clarify the situation, you need to tell him about your expectations and draw conclusions for the future, warn him, say it.

Resentment as manipulation

When a person is offended, moreover, seriously offended, for a long time, does not talk, then if you ask him why he is doing this, he will say: “I am doing this to improve our relationship.” Moreover, by “improve our relationship”, he means that the other person should become convenient for him, should justify all his expectations, and then their relationship will improve.

In this case, resentment works like manipulation: if you do not change in accordance with my expectations, then I will neither talk to you, nor communicate, nor smile at you. That is, until you become comfortable - I'm not friends with you. Such a strange notion of what it means to "improve our relationship." Indeed, resentment is often used precisely as a method of manipulation.

When the offense is justified

But there are times when the offense is justified. That is, my expectations are adequate to the situation. What are these cases? When I voiced my request, my need, desire to a person, when he heard me - this is important, because some people seemed to listen, but not the fact that they heard or understood. It is also necessary that the person agrees to fulfill my request and my expectation, that is, he acknowledges: yes, I am ready to do this. And if after that he does not fulfill his promise, then the offense here is completely adequate and appropriate.

Ability to communicate

But we forgot one more important point. If a person had objective, serious reasons for not fulfilling my request, then resentment is also inappropriate here. That is, until we find out what happened by talking with a person, it’s too early to be offended. When we have already clarified everything, then either resentment is simply not needed, or resentment helps us (since it is a very energetic feeling) to increase the emphasis on some aspect of the relationship.

i-message

This is where resentment really plays an important role, because it helps us talk about our feelings with the intensity with which we experience them. That is: “It hurts me!!! I was uncomfortable... I'm scared! It was embarrassing and uncomfortable for me."

Notice I am now describing the person's words in the form of an "I-message". What is an I-message? When I talk about myself: about my feelings, about my needs, about my desires.

That is, I am not saying: you did a bad job, you are such a scoundrel, you offended me, and therefore I don’t want to communicate with you. I talk about my feelings, give "feedback". Because a person could do it unconsciously, did not attach importance to his words, deed. Perhaps he did not have objective serious reasons, but there were some other reasons.

Finding a reason

If a person does evil intentionally, that is, he knows that it hurts me, he knows that I will be worried, but at the same time, as they say, “out of spite”, then this is a very serious signal about problems in our relationship. Here, too, there is no point in “sulking” and being offended for a long time, but you need to notice your resentment and clarify the relationship - what happened? Because maybe he unconsciously takes revenge on me for something, or maybe he screams so much that he feels bad, but for various reasons he cannot admit it.

By hurting me, making me feel bad, he can thus attract my attention to himself.

Myths about forgiveness

And here the question is: when to forgive? And can everything be forgiven?

We always hear this question at seminars, and the answer to it is unequivocal: everything can be forgiven. But the myths about forgiveness that exist in our lives immediately pop up.

Myth #1: To forgive is to forget

Some people (this is one of the myths) believe that to forgive is to admit that "nothing happened" - "let's forget for clarity." Nothing terrible happened, nothing man did. What if he really did? We seem to justify it, and whiten it, and call black white. But this has nothing to do with forgiveness. Because to forgive does not mean "to forgive sins", it does not mean to devalue an act.

Forgiveness does not carry the depreciation of the harm, the evil that a person has caused us. And we forgive a person, a person. Remember that there is a saying: "Love the sinner, but hate the sin." Here this statement is just very appropriate.

We should not, for the sake of a person or for the preservation of relationships, refuse to expose any vices or sins, offenses and malicious actions. Therefore, it is very important to separate forgiveness from reproof here. Moreover, in denunciation it is necessary to call a spade a spade. If this is not only my subjective feeling, but a really objective situation, an obvious situation that a person has betrayed or deceived, or greatly let him down.

Myth #2: “I won’t forgive until you apologize”

Another myth: you can forgive only if the person himself asks for forgiveness. Nothing like this. We forgive not for the person, we forgive for ourselves. What is resentment? It is I who bear evil on the other person in me. And this evil, like tension, literally physically lives somewhere inside me. The question is, "Where - in the heart or in the head?" - a rhetorical question, but the main thing is that I carry this evil in myself.

Forgiveness does not depend on whether the other person recognizes that what he did is evil, and that he did this evil, whether he wants me to forgive him, but depends on whether I want to continue to bear evil on the other person . Moreover, not his evil, but my evil - that I am angry with him, that I condemn him, that I do not accept him. And for the heart, for the soul, evil against another person is a very heavy burden. When a person does not forgive, there is an element of self-destruction in this.

People keep their grievances for decades, thinking that they are thus punishing the one who harmed them, but first of all they punish themselves.

Myth #3: Forgiveness is weak

What other myths are there? That forgiveness is weakness. If you forgive, you will be like a rag. But in fact, forgiveness requires a lot of courage and inner strength. After all, we must make an inner effort in order to separate the pain that we experienced from the relationship to the person. That is, pain - it can remain, therefore it is not always possible, having forgiven a person, to forget what he did. A painful trace may remain for a lifetime, but this does not mean that a person has not forgiven.

We don't remember the nail we ran into as a child, but the scar remains with us for life. We are not angry, we do not condemn, we have forgiven for a long time, but a trace of this trauma can remain and sometimes remind of itself. It must be borne in mind that forgiveness does not always mean the end of pain. And if a person, while still remembering what happened, experiences some kind of pain, this does not mean that he has not forgiven.

Forgiveness as a decision - "I decided and forgave" - ​​is impossible. Without feelings, without some inner emotional work, there will be no forgiveness.

Myth #4: It will go away on its own.

In the same way, the opposite - "When feelings go away inside, it will somehow forgive itself, without my will" - is also not true. It just doesn't forgive. Forgiveness is a combination of both will and feelings. I make a decision, and then I emotionally implement this decision in some way. Proceeding from this, forgiveness is not an act that like this “once and for all”, “chopped off”, but a process. And for some situations, this is a long process, which depends on the degree of injury, destruction that happened to me.

I really like the expression that forgiveness is a one-sided responsibility and a one-sided openness. Forgiveness does not expect reciprocity (ideally). And forgiveness does not automatically mean reconciliation: if I have forgiven a person, then I will continue to communicate well with him. A person can commit such an act towards me that makes further communication with him impossible. That is, if I have forgiven, this does not mean that I will continue to be friends with him as before, that nothing will change in our relationship. Sometimes it changes and changes drastically.

Forgiveness as a gift

Forgiveness is my free gift to another. I give it to him without expecting anything in return. And what do we expect? We expect him to change, correct himself, realize his mistakes, repent. No, you don't have to, you don't have to. Maybe. With our forgiveness, we kind of help him a little, accepting him as he is. But this is not a guarantee.

Forgiveness is both generosity and risk. Generosity- because it is really such an act of the soul, and risk Because you don't know where you end up. The result of my forgiveness is unknown to me or to the other person.

The benefits of resentment

Therefore, when we talk about resentment, it is very important to remember that the essence of resentment is unjustified expectations. And the first thing we do when we feel resentment inside ourselves is to ask ourselves the question: how adequate are my expectations?

If the expectations are adequate, we clarify the relationship. If expectations are inadequate, the issue of resentment is removed. And the expression that “they take water to the offended” is only correct if the offense becomes not so much an emotional reaction (ceases to perform a signal function), but becomes a way of life, a way of building relationships - such a manipulative means with which a person builds his relationships with others.

There are many benefits to resentment. To be offended, to be a victim is immediately a “nimbus” above your head, “wings” behind your back straighten out. This is self-affirmation against the background of “bad”, “terrible” others who are so evil, so bad, insensitive.

There was an interesting case study where people were asked, "What would you like to change about others?" The majority said that the people around should be more tolerant, benevolent, sensitive, and understanding. What qualities would you like to develop more in yourself? Well, of course, confidence, determination, perseverance, strength are completely different, opposite qualities.

When offended, a person often uses others as an object of self-affirmation. And this is already a way of building relationships.

What to do with resentment

How do you know that you have sincerely forgiven?

To understand that you have forgiven sincerely, it is important to have some internal criteria within yourself. Moreover, each person has their own criteria.

The internal criterion is the feeling that I do not hold evil. For some it will be a feeling of lightness and freedom, in contrast to tension, heaviness and some unpleasant feelings, and for someone it will be an opportunity to calmly think or talk with the offender when there is no unpleasant sediment or some kind of distortion inside perception.

For some, sincere forgiveness is the cessation of an endless dialogue in the head, when a person proves, justifies, accuses, explains, condemns, and mentally scrolls this dialogue in his head to infinity. And if suddenly it ended, and there is silence in the head, then perhaps this indicates that the person sincerely forgave.

It is very important for every person to find out for himself - how can I understand within myself that I really forgave sincerely? There can be no external criterion here, and the other person cannot suggest or help find this criterion. This can be found out by self-observation and careful attention to your inner world. There are no other ways.

- Is it possible to tolerate rudeness, for example, in a store, at the post office?

If we talk about our reactions to rudeness, which we may encounter in public transport, in a store and in some other places, then here we are talking, rather, not about insults. Because resentment is more related to personal relationships, emotional ties. And in transport and the store, the situation is depersonalization, there the insult may not be directed to me personally, but to me as a member of society, as a passenger or buyer. Therefore, there, rather, there will be no resentment, but a reaction of irritation, rejection.

It is perfectly normal to experience negative reactions when we are faced with injustice or hooliganism, rudeness. And here it is important what we do next. If we begin to be rude in response, then this, of course, is unacceptable. Or we are silent, because the forces are unequal, and we are afraid. Maybe this is because sometimes the risk is too great, the risk of a literally physical threat that a person can hit or continue some kind of insults - and here, perhaps, it’s not worth it to “get on the rampage”. Heroism, of course, is welcome, but not in all situations.

It is best in a situation of insult or public violence to turn to someone for help if we cannot cope on our own. In the store, ask to invite a manager or demand a complaint book. Don't go unpunished.

Why?

Because by giving feedback to another person on his act, we help him. You can, of course, be afraid that we will offend him, or that he will be upset. But by not giving feedback, we leave him in the field of impunity. He feels that he can continue to behave this way, and this leads him into temptation. With no rebuff to his negative behavior, he begins to think that this is normal.

It happens that people do not consider their behavior boorish.

I often give this example in lectures. I was on the train, and next to me my husband and wife were talking to each other, using obscene words. This is how they communicate. They didn't fight, they just had a conversation. I was sitting next to two young girls. And it was terrible to listen to, so when I realized that if I didn’t do something now, I would have to listen to it throughout the trip, I reminded them that they were in a public place and that they shouldn’t use such language. They were quite sincerely surprised and said: yes, yes, sorry. It turned out that they know normal words. They just didn't realize that they weren't at home.

I don't want to discuss the moral character of these people or the way they communicate right now, but it's important to show that sometimes people don't realize they're breaking the rules. And then, indeed, you can remind them, point out this without any aggression, anger, irritation, but simply ask.

Yes, it doesn't always help. You can hear something unpleasant in response. But the denunciation of sin - we are called to this. This is a call to all Orthodox Christians. Do not leave it unattended, because indeed a person may not know, not notice.

- Do I need to talk about my offense to another or is it a personal matter for everyone?

When we are offended, the question arises before us: to tell another or not to tell. It depends on the situation, because we are responsible for our own feelings. And another person may unintentionally hurt us. Therefore, it is not always possible to blame him for offending us.

The next question is: how close are our relations with this person, and how much am I going to communicate with him further? It depends on whether I give him feedback on his deed, on his words, on his actions or not. If I want to communicate further with a person, it would be good if he knew in what cases it hurts me, what words can hurt me, what actions I do not take.

Of course, in the form of "I-messages": "I want to say that when people do this, I feel bad (or hurt, I feel bad, I don't like it)".

What to do if it concerns serious things, first of all, health? A simple example. A person, without asking permission, starts smoking. And I have a headache from tobacco smoke. He didn't mean to offend me. Should I sit, endure, sniff tobacco smoke and then suffer from a headache, or should I tell him: you know, my head hurts from tobacco, so please don’t smoke in my presence?

This feedback does not condemn the person, it simply says that I don’t like it, it doesn’t suit me. I'm not saying that I'm offended.

Therefore, in this case, of course, you can talk about your feelings, you can talk about your reactions, but remember that sometimes our emotional reactions are inadequate to the situation. This inadequacy may be due to our fatigue. We didn’t get enough sleep, we don’t feel well, we just have increased sensitivity at this particular moment, and we can react to ordinary actions: how is it possible, what is it ?! But this does not mean that the person did something bad.

- How to react when you are intentionally offended?

If I know that the person offended me on purpose, then I begin to doubt our relationship. Because if a person wants to hurt me and hurts me on purpose, then what kind of relationship do we have?

Or maybe I provoked? Also thinking.

But even if I provoked - this is not a reason to answer me "evil for evil", you can always solve such issues in some other way. I unwittingly hurt the man, he answered me. But it is not necessary to multiply evil, but it is possible to clarify and stop evil.

In any case, if we are talking not about kinship, but about friendship, then the question of distance, trust, and sometimes the question of terminating these relations arises. Why should I communicate with a person who intentionally hurts me? Unless, of course, I'm a masochist. Relationships are more difficult.

How to deal with a touchy person? Do I need to constantly be careful, please him or speak directly about my opinion?

Often, when confronted with touchy people, we begin to be hypocritical, engage in human pleasing and think that this is a manifestation of our virtue, that we take care of him in this way: by pleasing and serving his touchiness, we are doing a good deed for him. But it's not.

Hypocrisy and human-pleasing cannot be virtues, no matter what motives they may be caused, just like our "patience".

What is the difference between such "patience" and tolerance? Patience is when I squeezed all my feelings inside. And what are the feelings? Discontent, to put it mildly, disagreement, rejection, sometimes even hatred. Outside, I nod, I smile, I agree, I don't say anything against it. But this has nothing to do with the virtue of tolerance. Because tolerance is an inner acceptance without resentment, anger and condemnation of the other person.

Often the result of patience is gossip. Because here I endured, endured, “didn’t show it,” but then I go to the place where I feel more secure, and there I will already express everything that I think about the behavior of another person. Therefore, such servility does not lead to good.

It is important to remember that the responsibility for feelings lies with the person himself. I can't offend, and I can't be offended. I may be offended. This is my choice, how I react and for how long, and what I do with this resentment. Either I think and take some action, or I care for her, cherish.

But we have already said that resentment can be a great way to manipulate and assert oneself. Therefore, there is no point in indulging it.

Sooner or later, a person may find out that, it turns out, we do not agree with him, and that we have endured him all the time. From whom does he learn? Yes, from us. Patience will end, and we will tell him everything that we have accumulated all these long years. And for him it will be a terrible blow and disappointment. That is, we endure for the sake of maintaining relationships, but in fact, relationships built on hypocrisy are gradually being destroyed.

Oh yes, it really is. Resentment belongs to the category of those emotions and sensations that must be completely eradicated from the body and soul of every person. It is terribly unpleasant to carry a grudge in oneself, and, most importantly, there is no benefit to anyone from it - only sheer uselessness.

I have long believed that a person cannot be offended. The person may be offended. If you do not want to be offended, no one will ever be able to offend you. It's so simple, but so important!

Imagine that you are talking to your loved one (mother, girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband). And suddenly a painfully unpleasant word flew at your address, which made everything turn upside down inside.

What was the first sensation that settled in your soul? Most likely resentment.

Prepare yourself then! I'm already tired after work, and you still need to cook!

Yes, how can he? I'm everything for him, I specially bought a bunch of books on cooking! Yes, I'm stuck at the stove for several hours! I cook right after work, and he! Yes, I do. Yes, I… - Indignation does not allow to breathe normally. Consciousness immediately chooses the easiest path that does not require effort - resentment. That's it, the start of bad feelings and the finish of the voice of reason. You chose to be offended. Decided. Take offense. But it could have been different...

Now imagine what would happen if you trained your consciousness in a different way. The same situation, the same actors.

Honey, I won't eat your borscht. I'm sorry, but you're a terrible cook. This is impossible.

We calmed down, mentally relaxed, remembered that resentment is a bad feeling. You decide NOT to be offended - you are not offended, you are solving the problem.

Why do you think so? What exactly do you not like? Let's cook together sometime! Do you want me to take another recipe?

Easy, calm, without irony and mockery. You are interested in solving the problem, not in heating up the situation.

Well, the cabbage is cut into very thick pieces and undersalted! And the potatoes were not cooked, raw at all.

Well, the root of the problem has been found. And this is without a day of silence, sighs aside and a proud look. And all because you decided not to be offended.

Resentment will not find a solution for you, resentment will not bring you closer, resentment will not develop you spiritually. You may be upset, because indeed, you have spent more than one hour trying to cook a delicious lunch or dinner. But disorder is something external, something that is easy to conquer. It's like a table that suddenly gets covered in dust. Dust can be easily brushed off. But resentment ... Resentment is something that is already deep inside. These are burns left on the table by a hot mug of tea. This is the load that you are going to carry, if not all your life, then the next couple of days for sure. Do you want to weigh down your soul? Do you really need it?