We are satisfied with life when close and significant people love and wait for us. This dependence can be taken for granted and "do not scratch where it does not itch." And what to do if public opinion haunts? Know yourself and make sure you are worthy of love and respect.

It would seem, what difference does it make to us, who will think about how beautiful we are, what we are wearing, what we said or did? The famous once said: “I don’t care what you think of me, because I don’t think about you at all.” The same opinion is shared by our contemporary American actress Cameron Diaz, who said that she does not care about the opinions of others, and she will live her life the way she wants, and not someone else.

People who are independent of other people's opinions can be envied, but they are in the minority. Most need the approval of others, sometimes even those who are unsympathetic to them. For some, such addiction generally becomes so painful that they need the services of a psychotherapist. In particular, actress Megan Fox, known for her phobias, has mental problems. Although, according to her, she often manages to ignore the streams of lies spread about her by tabloid publications, nevertheless, she once said: “... Believe me, I care what people think about me, ... because I'm not a robot ".

Impressive people with a vulnerable psyche, and especially young ones, are too dependent on the opinions of others. Perhaps it will be easier for them when they learn about the 18-40-60 rule of the American psychologist Daniel Amen, the author of many bestsellers, among which is “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life!”. He assures his patients, suffering from complexes, insecure and overly dependent on the opinions of other people: “At 18, you care about what others think about you, at 40 you don’t give a damn about it, and at 60 you understand that others about you don't think at all."

Where does this dependence on other people's opinions come from, the desire to please and earn words of approval, sometimes even from strangers?

Of course, there is nothing wrong with charming the interlocutor, making a favorable impression on him, no. After all, as they say, "a kind word is pleasant for a cat."

We are talking about something else: about cases when, in an effort to please a person, he says not what he thinks, but what others would like to hear from him; dresses not in the way that is convenient for him, but in the way that friends or parents impose on him. Gradually, without noticing how, these people lose their individuality and stop living their own lives. How many destinies did not take place due to the fact that the opinions of others were put above their own!

Such problems have always existed - as long as humanity has existed. Another Chinese philosopher who lived BC. e., remarked: "Worry about what other people think of you, and you will forever remain their prisoner."

Psychologists say that dependence on someone else's opinion is characteristic primarily of people with low self-esteem. Why people do not value themselves is another question. They may have been bullied by authoritarian or perfectionist parents. Or maybe they lost faith in themselves and their abilities because of the failures that followed one after another. As a result, they begin to consider their opinions and feelings as not worthy of someone else's attention. Worried that they will not be respected, taken seriously, out of love and rejected, they try to be “like everyone else” or be like those who, in their opinion, enjoy authority. Before they do anything, they ask themselves the question: “What will people think?”.

By the way, the well-known work by A. Griboyedov “Woe from Wit”, written back in the 19th century, ends with the words of Famusov, who is not worried about the conflict that occurred in his house, but “What will Princess Marya Alekseevna say?”. In this work, the Famus society with its sanctimonious morality is opposed by Chatsky, a self-sufficient person with his own opinion.

Let's face it: depending on the opinions of others is bad, because people who do not have their own point of view are treated with condescension, they are not considered and respected. And, feeling this, they suffer even more. In fact, they cannot be happy because they are constantly in a state of internal conflict. They are haunted by a sense of dissatisfaction with themselves, and their mental anguish repels people who prefer to communicate with those who are confident in themselves.

True, there is another extreme: one's opinion, desires and feelings are put above all else. Such people live by the principle: "There are two opinions - mine and the wrong one." But that, as they say, is "an entirely different story."

Is it possible to learn not to depend on the opinions of others?

As the secretary Verochka from the film “Office Romance” said, if you wish, “you can also teach a hare to smoke.” But seriously, people underestimate their capabilities: they can do a lot, including

1. Change yourself, that is, learn to be yourself

And for this, first of all, a strong desire is needed. Writer Ray Bradbury said to people, "You can get whatever you want, as long as you really want it."

To change yourself means to change the way you think. The one who changes his thinking will be able to change his life (unless, of course, it suits him). After all, everything that we have in life is the result of our thoughts, decisions, behavior in different situations. When making a choice, it is worth considering what is paramount for us - our own life or the illusions of other people.

Known for his bright individuality, the artist said that he developed the habit of being different from everyone else and behaving differently than other mortals, he developed in his childhood;

2. Control yourself

Having your own opinion does not mean not listening to someone else's. Someone may have more experience or be more competent in some matters. When making a decision, it is important to understand what it is dictated by: your own needs or the desire to keep up with others, the fear of not being a black sheep.

There are many examples when we make a choice, thinking that it is ours, but in fact, friends, parents, colleagues have already decided everything for us. Marriage is forced on a young man, because “it’s necessary” and “it’s time”, because all friends already have children. A 25-year-old girl who studies in the city is asked by her mother to bring at least some young man with her to the village during the holidays, passing her off as her husband, because the mother is ashamed in front of her neighbors that her daughter is not yet married. People buy things they don't need, arrange expensive weddings, just to meet other people's expectations.

When making a choice and making a decision, it is worth asking ourselves how it corresponds to our desires. Otherwise, it is easy to let yourself be led astray from your own life path;

3. Love yourself

Ideal is a relative concept. What serves as an ideal for one may not be of any interest to another. Therefore, no matter how hard we try, there will still be a person who will condemn us. How many people, so many opinions - it is impossible to please everyone. Yes, and I am “not a chervonets to please everyone,” said some literary hero.

So why waste your mental strength on a useless activity? Wouldn't it be better to look at ourselves in order to finally realize how unique we are and worthy of our own love and respect! This is not about selfish narcissism, but about love for your body and your soul as a whole.

A person who does not love his house does not put it in order and does not decorate it. He who does not love himself does not care about his development and becomes uninteresting, therefore he does not have his own opinion and passes off someone else's as his own;

4. Stop thinking

Many of us exaggerate our importance in the lives of those around us. A married colleague had an affair with an employee. Nobody was interested in this fact enough to discuss it for more than a few minutes. But it seemed to the employee that everyone was talking about him. And indeed, with all his appearance, he did not let people forget about it: he blushed, turned pale, stuttered, and eventually quit, unable to withstand, as he believed, behind-the-scenes conversations. In reality, no one was interested in his fate, because each person is primarily concerned with his own problems.

All people are primarily concerned with themselves, and even if someone puts on socks of different colors, a sweater inside out, dyes their hair pink, he will not be able to surprise them or attract their attention to himself. Therefore, you should not depend on the opinions of others, to whom we are often completely indifferent;

5. Learn to ignore someone else's opinion if it is not constructive

Only those who are nothing are not criticized. The American writer Elbert Hubbrad said that if you are afraid of being criticized, then "do nothing, say nothing and be nothing." And we don't want to be nobody. This means that we accept constructive criticism and do not pay attention to the one with which we do not agree, not allowing it to determine our life. The famous, addressing the graduates of Stanford University, admonished them: "Your time is limited, do not waste it living someone else's life."

Other people's successes and popularity often cause envy among people who crave them, but who lack the intelligence, abilities, self-discipline to win them. Such people are called haters, and they live on the Internet. They express their “hateful” opinion in the comments, trying to break and force to “leave” those who, in their opinion, have undeservedly gained fame. And sometimes they succeed.

Those who love to criticize, wrote Oscar Wilde, are those who are not able to create something themselves. Therefore, they are worthy of regret, and they should be treated with a share of irony and humor. As one friend says, their opinion will not affect my bank account in any way.

Sometimes it's not so easy not to worry about what others think. However, there are many ways to become a more confident person, form your own mind and develop your own style. Try not to think about whether others are looking at you, whether they are judging you. Don't take their opinion too personally. Listen only to reasoned opinions based on facts. Make a decision based on your values, do not neglect your beliefs and principles. When it comes to style, remember that everyone has different tastes, so no one has the right to judge you.

Steps

Become a more confident person

Accept yourself for who you are. Be yourself, try to become better, but accept in yourself what you can no longer change. Do not try to become someone else, just to please others.

• Make a list of what you like about yourself, as well as a list of what you would like to change. Think about the specific steps you will need to take to improve. For example: “Sometimes I am too aggressive towards other people. Every time they make a remark or say something to me, I need to first wait and think about what I want to say, and only then speak.
• Accept what you cannot change. For example, perhaps you would like to be a little taller. But understand that you can no longer change this. So instead of constantly thinking about how nice it would be if you were a little taller, try to think about the benefits of your height, for example, you won't have to hit your head on a doorway.

1. Do not be afraid of embarrassment, imagine a successful outcome of events. Try not to set yourself up for a bad or awkward outcome, don't worry about what other people will think of you if you do something wrong. Set a goal for yourself, break it down into small sub-goals and try to visualize your success at every step!

   • For example, if you want to appear more confident during a conversation, break this goal into several subgoals: maintain eye contact, listen to the other person, nod when the other person pauses, ask questions, answer, tell stories from your life.
   • If the result is not exactly what you planned, do not be embarrassed, just try to understand what your mistake is. Remember that you are only learning, no one succeeds right away, especially on the first try.

2. Don't try to anticipate every step and every action. Understand that people around you do not notice every little thing that you do. Before you get embarrassed and lose confidence, remind yourself that people are more interested in the time they spend with you, they don't have time to evaluate and criticize your every thought and action.

   • Try to control yourself, notice in time that you are starting to get hung up on one thought. Say to yourself: “Stop analyzing! Calm down and relax."
   • The ability to quickly calm down and the ability to learn from your mistakes are very useful things, especially if you are in the mood for success, and not for negative thoughts.

3. Don't let someone's negative opinion define your personality. Keep a balance and do not take negative judgments as absolute truth. If you think that there is some truth in this judgment, use it as an opportunity to improve something in yourself, but do not let negative judgments affect your self-esteem.

   • For example, let's say someone says you have a nasty temper. If you barely know this person, and don't know him at all, just ignore it. However, if a close friend or good buddy who spends a lot of time with you told you about this, think about why he had such an opinion. Work on learning how to stay calm when you get angry (you can do this by taking slow, deep breaths).

4. Think about whether the person who expressed a negative opinion about you has good intentions. What a person's intentions are determines whether you accept that opinion or simply forget about it. Ask yourself, “Does this person have a vested interest in this matter? Did he say this so that I know what I need to work on to become better, or is it just a petty attempt to insult me?

   • For example, a good friend of yours might say, “It seems that it’s impossible to communicate with you lately, you are not yourself.” This judgment can be accepted and considered. On the other hand, if you are told: “You are always so inattentive, you are so stupid!”, then it is better to simply ignore such a judgment.

5. Try to present yourself in a way that makes you happier. Think about your interests, your clothing preferences, your surroundings, your lifestyle choices. Focus on your style, on what makes you happy, rather than chasing fashionable and popular trends.

   • For example, if you find yourself enjoying mixing and matching different styles and colors, don't be afraid to wear what you like just because other people might think it's wrong.
   • Decorate your apartment or room with trinkets that are valuable to you, even if someone advises you to choose something more stylish or go for minimalism. On the other hand, remove all knick-knacks and various other decorative items if you hate clutter and junk. Just do what is best for you.

6. Create an inspiration folder to find your own style. When you find your own style of dress, look through fashion magazines and blogs for inspiration. Cut out the pictures that motivate you, collect them and make a digital or paper collage or "inspiration notebook". Flip through magazines and find images that make you feel unique and confident.

"What will people say?"

Should we rely on other people's opinions or not? Most people think that the main thing is that people think and talk about them well - this is the criterion for CHOOSING the next step in life. It is easy when we do what others tell us (or expect us to), but who will be responsible for it? You. I so want to relieve myself of responsibility for our actions, we are so used to having our parents decide everything for us, it’s so “good” to find the culprit (who gave a “bad” example) and I don’t want to leave this habit - after all, you need to work hard, “responsible” for choice ... Of course, this, in the end result, does not lead to anything good. There is a small part of people who think radically opposite, i.e. they never take into account the opinions of others, they are self-confident people who have no authority. It is clear that these are extremes. But how should it? How right? After all, it has been a pattern for us to reckon with the opinions of others since childhood: when we perform any actions, we always look back at “what will mom (dad) say?” - and it was and is normal. One day, we notice that, considering the opinions of others, we fall into the “traps” of a wrong step. And this is because advice, tips are usually given by people based on their personal experience or self-interest (often unconscious). The result of a wrong choice (step), of course, is problems (pain), as a signal of leaving the “right path”. But few people remember that you will never "be good to everyone." In your environment and among loved ones, there will always be dissatisfied and satisfied with your choice, no matter how hard you try, PLEASE ... EVERYONE WILL NOT WORK - that's for sure. The main thing is to remember the meaning of the issue under discussion: each step (choice) leads either to an increase in the quality of life (this is not only matter, but also health, and interpersonal relationships, and self-realization) or to a decrease. What criterion should be taken as a basis? How to find that very "golden mean" when you are in doubt: what to do? Anyway? Who will give competent advice?

The answer lies in the understanding that in our environment there are people “leading” and “following” in different matters. Since childhood, most have become accustomed to the fact that the opinion of their parents is the most important and, then, for a long time, already in adulthood, they cannot move away from this pattern, and many follow it for the rest of their lives. One thing is respect and authority, and another thing is sanity and understanding of what the person from whom you are looking for advice has achieved. It is good if parents or friends are competent, and always ahead of you in development and can help in all matters, but this is an exceptional rarity. Can an unhappy person tell you about happiness? Can a poor person give advice about business? Can a parent who has not built a happy marital relationship give the right advice to his child, guiding him in his personal life? You certainly won't go to your doctor for advice about your bookkeeping, and you won't deal with legal issues with your housewife. It is in the inability to distinguish between "leaders" and "followers" in certain issues that create unpleasant situations that result in problems. In other words, problems arise at the place when we obey the “followers” ​​and do not hear the “leaders”, when we turn off the right path, not trusting ourselves, obeying incompetent opinions. Each of us can be either “leading” or “slave” at different times, and we must learn to feel and comply with this, mobilely switching from one “role” to another. And it never happens that one person is always only a “leader” (many parents make them so) or only a “slave”. An important criterion for the competence of the person from whom you want to take an "example" is his personal degree of satisfaction, success in this matter exceeding yours, BUT keep in mind that everyone's needs and capabilities are different. Learn to listen and hear, to distinguish at every moment of time: you are now “leading” or “followed”, pacify pride, corresponding to the “role”. Lead, give other people advice and recommendations only on those issues in which you are competent, and tell people about the experience in which you have achieved noticeable results. And listen to the advice of people who have achieved good results in the issue of interest to you, then only your efforts will give true benefit and mutual (in accordance with the law “external is equal to internal”) improvement in the quality of life.

Even in childhood, in this or that situation, we understand that you cannot always say what is on your mind. If you do not fall into the tone of the majority opinion, you will be laughed at. Okay, still school years, but after all, the rules of behavior learned in childhood continue to work in adulthood. Moreover, the focus on public opinion is a real hysteria that is spreading in cultures around the world. On the one hand, there is nothing wrong with that, many people live like this all their lives, but HOW do they live and how could they live if they listened to themselves and were not afraid of society?

Irrational obsession with public opinion

There are no random events in evolution, and to understand the real reason for this madness, let's go back to 50,000 BC. e., when your distant ancestor lived in a small tribe.

Being a part of this tribe is very important to him, his survival depends on it. Ancient people hunt together, protect each other, and outcasts die. So for your distant ancestor, there is nothing more important than agreement with your fellow tribesmen, especially with authoritative alpha males.

If he does not agree with everyone and please the people of his tribe, he will be recognized as strange, annoying and unpleasant, and then they will be kicked out of the tribe altogether and left to die alone.

If he pursues a woman from his tribe and their relationship ends before it starts, she will tell all the women of the tribe about his failure. And all the women with whom he could have a relationship, having learned about the failure, will also reject him.

So staying in society at that time was everything, and everything was done in order to be accepted.

Many years have passed, but social hysteria continues to torment people. Now we do not need the approval of every person so much, but the search for social approval and the paralyzing fear of not being liked by other people seems to have remained in our genes and does not think of disappearing anywhere.

Let's call this obsession the social survival mammoth, or the inner mammoth. It looks something like this:

Image from Wait But Why

For your distant cave ancestor, having an inner mammoth was the key to survival and prosperity. It was simple: feed the mammoth well with social approval and closely monitor its fears of disagreement, and everything will be fine.

Such a system worked perfectly 50,000 years BC. e. And 30,000 B.C. e., and even 20,000 years after that. Gradually, however, society changed, and with it, so did the needs. And biology has not had time to adapt to it, which is strange, until now.

Our body and our mind are now made as if we were to live in 50,000 BC. e. This cave style of survival in society is no longer relevant, but it continues to torment us.

Now, in 2014, we continue to be haunted by a large, hungry and shy mammoth, who still thinks like in 50,000 BC. e.

Otherwise, why are you sorting through four outfits, but you can’t decide what to wear?

image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website

Mammoth nightmares about bad experiences with the opposite sex made your ancestors cautious and quick-witted, but now mammoth advice makes you just indecisive and miserable.

image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website

Mammoth intervenes in the impulses of creativity and does not allow to express itself because of the fear of failure.

image from Wait But Why website

The mammoth constantly has flashes of fear, he is afraid of public censure, and this plays a huge role in many areas of life.

This is the reason why you are afraid to go to a restaurant or a movie alone because it is weird. The reason why parents worry too much about which college their child goes to. The reason for marriages without love and a profitable career without dedication and passion for your work.

Mammoths need to be fed, and fed constantly. He feeds on approval and the feeling that in any moral and social dilemma he is on the right side.

Why else would you choose your photos for Facebook so carefully? Why brag to your friends, even if you later regret it?

Society has an interest in supporting this mammoth-dependent model. It introduces titles and awards, the very concept of prestige, to keep the mammoth happy and to force people to do things that are essentially unnecessary and to live flawed lives that they would never have chosen if it were not for the mammoth.

In addition, the mammoth wants to adapt and be like everyone else. He keeps looking around to see what other people are doing, and when he does, he immediately imitates their behavior. To see this, just look at the photos of two college graduations from different years.

image from Wait But Why website

An "acceptable" prestigious education has also become part of the mammoth's food.

image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website

Sometimes the mammoth's focus is not on the general public, but on winning the approval of the puppeteer. This is a person or group of people whose opinion means SO much to you that it actually determines every aspect of your life.

Often parents or ringleaders in the company of friends become puppeteers. You can make your puppeteer even a new person or even an unfamiliar celebrity (which is often done by teenagers).

We desire our puppeteer's approval more than any other, and we are horrified at the thought of disappointing or upsetting him.

In such a poisoned relationship with the puppeteer, your opinions and moral convictions are completely his own, and it depends on him what they will be.

And while so much thought and energy goes into the needs of the inner mammoth, someone else is constantly present in your brain. It is always in the very center of your Self - this is your true voice.

image from Wait But Why website

Your authentic voice knows everything about you. In contrast to the strict dualism of a simple mammoth, for which there is only white and black, the true voice is comprehensive and complex, sometimes not very clear, constantly evolving and not knowing fear.

He knows how you feel about money, family and relationships; which people, interests and activities really bring you pleasure and which don't. Your authentic voice understands that it does not know how your life should go, but it feels the right way.

While the mammoth only looks to the outside world when making decisions, the authentic voice uses the outside world to gather and learn information, but when it comes time to make decisions, everything it needs is already in the brain.

The mammoth constantly ignores the real voice. For example, if a self-confident person expresses his opinion, the mammoth turns into a rumor. And the desperate pleas of the inner voice are rejected and ignored until someone else makes that point.

And when our ancestral brain continues to give the mammoth too much power, the real voice begins to feel superfluous. He becomes silent, loses motivation and disappears.

image from Wait But Why website

Eventually, the man controlled by the mammoth loses touch with his original voice. In tribal times, this was normal, because all that was needed was to agree and comply, and the mammoth does a great job with this.

But today, when the world has become much wider and more complete, and people are faced with many cultures and individuals, opinions and opportunities, losing the inner voice becomes a danger.

When you don't know who you really are, the only decision-making mechanism you have is the outdated needs of your emotional mammoth.

And when it comes to the most personal and most important questions, instead of diving into yourself and finding the answer to all questions in the foggy variability of your Self, you simply look at those around you and look for answers in them. As a result, you become a kind of mixture of the strongest opinions of those people who surround you. And certainly not by myself.

Of course, defeat is painful enough for everyone, but for people led by a mammoth, it matters much more than for people with a strong authentic voice.

People with a developed “real self” have an inner core that helps them to hold on and continue to do their job, and a mammoth-dependent person has only a desire to fit in with others and no core, so failures are a real disaster for him.

For example, do you know people who do not know how to take even constructive criticism, and sometimes they can even take revenge for it? These people are mammoth obsessed and they get so mad about criticism because they can't stand disapproval.

image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website

After all that has been said, it becomes clear: you need to find a way to curb your inner mammoth. This is the only way to take life back into your own hands and manage it.

How to find and tame your inner mammoth

Some people are born with an intelligent tame mammoth, or their upbringing helps keep the mammoth in check. Others never try to tame their mammoth until their death and fulfill its whims all their lives. Most of us are somewhere in between: in some life situations we control our mammoth, in others it harms us.

If a mammoth rules you, this does not mean at all that you are a bad or weak person. You just haven't learned how to manage it yet. You may not even know about the existence of a mammoth and that your true self is huddled in a corner and is silent.

Whatever your situation, you must keep the mammoth under control. Here are three steps to help you do just that.

Step 1: Test Yourself

The first step is to be honest and fair about what's going on in your head. Here are the three parts of this step.

1. Get to know your authentic voice

image from Wait But Why website

It seems that it is not difficult, but in fact it is very even. It takes a serious effort to cut through the web of other people's thoughts and opinions and understand your "real self".

You spend time with a huge number of people, which one do you really like? How do you spend your free time and do you really enjoy all its components?

Are there things that you regularly spend money on, but do not feel any pleasure from them? How do you feel about your work and social status? What are your political beliefs?

Have you thought about it at all? Are you pretending to care about things just to have an opinion? Maybe you have your own opinion about some political and moral issues that you have never voiced because people you know will be outraged?

These are common questions for soul exploration or self discovery, but they really need to be done. Maybe you can think about it right now, wherever you are, or maybe you need a special atmosphere: move away, be alone with yourself, and only then plunge into reflection.

In any case, you need to figure out what really matters to you, and start to be proud of your authentic voice, "real me".

2. Find out where the mammoth is hiding

image from Wait But Why website

Most of the time when the mammoth is in control, the person is not even aware of it. But you can't succeed unless you're sure exactly where the biggest problems are.

The most obvious way to detect a mammoth is to find out where your fears nest, in which area shame and embarrassment most often arise. When you think about any area of ​​life, you get a terrible feeling, a sense of failure, and this failure seems like a nightmare. What is this area?

You are afraid to start something, even if you know that you are good at this business. What areas of your life definitely need to change, but you avoid changing them and do nothing?

The second place where the mammoth hides is in the all-too-pleasant feelings that come with agreeing with other people. Do you really please people at work and in your personal life? Does the possibility of disagreeing with your parents scare you? Between their pride in you and the opportunity to please yourself, do you choose the former?

The third field where the mammoth hides is when you cannot make decisions without approval from other people. Or you can, but you feel very uncomfortable. Which of your opinions and beliefs are yours and not other people's? Do you hold these opinions because others say so?

If you introduce your new boyfriend/girlfriend to family and friends and no one likes your crush, can their attitude change how you feel? Is there a person in your life who controls you like a puppet? If so, who is he and why are you allowing this?

3. Decide when to take control of the mammoth

image from Wait But Why website

It is impossible to completely get the mammoth out of your head, after all, we are people. But what really needs to be done is to get rid of its influence in some areas of life that simply must be under the control of your true self.

These are the obvious areas, such as choosing a partner, career, and parenting. The rest of the areas are individual and are determined through a simple question: “In what areas of life should I be completely honest with myself?”.

Step 2: Be brave, the mammoth has a low IQ

True woolly mammoths were stupid enough to become extinct, and social mammoth survival is no better. Despite the fact that they haunt us, mammoths are stupid, primitive creatures that do not understand the modern world.

Deeply feel and realize this. This is the key to subjugating your mammoth. There are two good reasons not to take your mammoth seriously.

1. The mammoth's fears are irrational.

The mammoth has five global errors.

→ Everyone is talking about me and my life and just think what they would all say if I did this risky or weird thing!

Here's how the mammoth thinks:

image from Wait But Why website

And here's what it actually looks like:

image from Wait But Why website

No one cares how you live and what you do. Most people only think about themselves.

→ If I try, I can please everyone.

Yes, this can happen if you live in a tribe of 40 people united by the same culture. But in today's world, it doesn't matter who you are or how you behave. Some people will love you, others will hate or just dislike you.

If some people approve of you, you piss off others. So a strong desire to please one group of people is illogical and wrong, especially if you do not strongly support their views. You make great efforts to please one group of people, and at this time other people who could become real friends will not wait for your company.

→ If I am judged, looked down upon, or said mean things about me, it will cause serious consequences in my life.

The person who is judging you or your actions is not even in the same room as you, or at least not directly next to you. This happens in 99.7% of cases. It is a classic mammoth mistake to imagine social consequences that are much worse and scarier than what is actually happening. In reality, other people's opinions mean practically nothing and do not affect life in any way.

→ People who judge me matter.

This is what goes on in the minds of people who like to judge others: they are completely under the control of the mammoth and are looking for the same mammoth puppet friends. The favorite entertainment of such people is to get together and wash the bones for everyone.

Maybe they're jealous, and badmouthing other people helps them get a little less envious. Or they just like to wallow in gloating. In any case, these judgmental tirades serve as excellent food for the mammoth.

When judging someone, gossips always end up on the other, “right side” and feel white and fluffy. It is unpleasant to realize that at your expense someone feels beautiful and pure, but in fact it does not affect your life in any way.

image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website

Other people's conversations and gossip do not concern you, they concern only gossips and their fattened mammoths. If you find yourself making a decision with an eye on the gossip for fear that they will judge you, realize in time what is happening and stop.

→ I will be a bad person if I disappoint or offend people who love me and have invested so much in me.

No. You won't be a bad person, son, or friend if you listen to the real you. There is one simple rule: if they really love you and don't take advantage of you selfishly, they will accept anything that makes you happy and come back to you.

Well, if you're happy and they don't think to come, what's happened is that their strong feelings about who you should be and what you should do is an echo of their mammoths, and they get upset because they're worried about what will be said about it. other people. They let their mammoth conquer love for you, which means they have no place in your life.

And two more reasons why the mammoth's fearful obsession with social approval doesn't make any sense.

A. You live here.

image from Wait But Why website

What could possibly matter?

Q. You and everyone you know will die. And pretty soon.

image from Wait But Why website

So, all the mammoth's fears are irrational, because he is stupid. And here is the second reason.

2. Mammoth Effort Is Anti-Productive

The irony of the situation is that a huge mammoth cannot even do his job well. The methods by which he was going to win may have been effective in simpler times, but today they are irrelevant.

The modern world is the world of the “real me”, and if the mammoth wants to survive and thrive, he must do what scares him the most - let the “real me” take over.

The real person is interesting, but the mammoth is boring. Each "real self" is unique and self-sufficient, which is really interesting. Mammoths are always the same, they copy, obey and conform, and their motives are not based on something genuine, real. They only do what they "should" do, what they think they should. And it's boring.

The real voice leads. Mammoth follows. Leadership comes naturally to most real people, because they see ordinary things and decisions from non-standard points of view, from a different angle. And if they are smart and modern, they can change something on a global scale and create events and things that violate the status quo.

If you give such a person a brush and a canvas, he may not paint anything good, but change the canvas itself in one way or another.

Mammoths are, by definition, driven. Most of all, they are afraid of breaking the status quo, because they are just trying to conform to it.

When you give them a canvas and paint the same color as the canvas, they draw something, but it doesn't change anything because you can't see anything anyway.

In general, the differences between people who are possessed by the inner mammoth and those who are driven by the true voice are visible almost immediately. The latter have a certain magnetism, in other words, charisma, they are respected and loved in the team.

And all because people always respect the strength of character, sufficient to curb the inner mammoth and be independent. Here is the secret of a charismatic person.

Step 3: It's time to be yourself

Up to this point, we've just had fun with theory. We figured out why people are so worried about what they think of them, why it restricts freedom and why it is better to refuse it.

image from Wait But Why website

But courage for what exactly? As we have said, there is no threat in public opinion.

None of your social fears are actually scary.

Realizing this, you will get rid of the fear that you experience, and without it, the mammoth loses its strength and power.

image from Wait But Why website

With a weakened inner mammoth, you can be yourself and do what is right for you. And when you see positive changes in your life with little negative impact and no regrets on your part, listening to your true voice will become a habit.

Of course, the mammoth will not disappear, it will never disappear, but now you will easily ignore its pathetic attempts to seize power, because the true voice will become the dominant internal factor.

image from Wait But Why website

Your true self is given only one life, so give him the opportunity to live it.

We have already briefly touched on this topic a couple of times, but now we decided to develop it thoroughly. Since the tendency to impose their personal opinions on others does not stop growing. Even if you don't count mass propaganda like fashion, you are surrounded by a lot of worms who are trying to crawl into your space to inspire you with a new idea. By the way, we are not talking about those people from whom you yourself asked for advice: we told you about, do not forget about it.

1. It's not their life

And if it's not their life, then it doesn't concern them. People have the right to think about anything, so let them think. No matter what you do, they will be unhappy with you.

If your girlfriend throws tantrums and runs into you, no matter how you try to change, she will still be unhappy with something. So advise her to spend all that energy on her life, not yours. You're not going to kowtow to someone all the time, are you? At least we hope so.

2. They don't know

Only you know what needs to be done to make you feel good. And the people who impose something don't really know what's best for you. Better learn from your own mistakes, stumble and go without a hat in winter, but it's your choice.

If you make a mistake, it will only be your mistake and you have to live with it. Even if you follow the advice and still get burned, it’s up to you to live with it again. And the adviser will no longer care - everything is fine in his life.

3. Their opinion is not objective

The problem is that such people trumpet from their bell tower. First of all, they think: “I would do this ... So, he should do the same.” This is the main problem. After all, what is good for one person may be a fatal mistake for another.

He will tell you that this is garbage and you don’t need to climb, but in fact, everything can turn out to be an excellent prospect for you. He doesn't know what you need. Although, maybe he knows, just deliberately takes you away from it. Yes, jealousy is common.

4. It slows you down

If you always rely on the opinions of others, then you greatly slow down your reunion with your dream. Extra thoughts and doubts can make you give up the most important thing.

If you want to be a unique person, then you have to do something that may not be acceptable to everyone. And now what? Stop and ask the opinion of every passer-by who looked askance?

5. You rake it

In fact, you rake and accept the consequences. Well, it's my own fault. There was no need to listen to smart people who express their opinion about the problem, but at the same time do not know how to deal with their lives. They do not risk their fate - they substitute your goals and dreams for retribution.

6. You have one life

You seem to be aware of this. Isn't it better to live this little life without worrying about other people's opinions. You have no idea what that kind of freedom means. Maybe you should try? If anything, then you can always come running to us in tears, we will console you and help you with advice.

7. In conclusion

The harsh truth is that you can't please everyone. We would even say that you should not try to please everyone. There are relatives and loved ones for whom you should try, and, of course, you have you. For yourself, first of all, you live and do something. Not for neighbors and friends. Not for the sake of employees at work and other strangers. All this is just for you. Therefore, you have the right to build your own life without unnecessary prompting.

If religious fanatics again run up to you, who will offer to join their sect and impose their principles, then go to their neck. Or better yet, start preaching to them yourself. Beat the villains with the same weapon!