Why people quarrel is understandable. Views on life, different judgments and thoughts do not coincide. Yes, everything is different. But why do those who have two hearts beat like one quarrel? Why do we fight with our loved ones? Why do those who promised each other to always be together and share grief and joy swear and sometimes conflict? Why in the family no, no, but there are clouds over the head of lovers ...

After all, at first everything seems to be perfect. No one openly shows negative character traits. He tries to please his partner, listens to his desires, knows how not only to listen, but also to hear. But ... a little time passes, people get used to each other and take relationships for granted. As if it is quite natural that two people meet, fall in love, get married, start a family, and so on. People stop appreciating what fate has given them. But this is really a gift of fate - to find "your" dear person at the crossroads of many roads. Someone walks, searches, wanders in the labyrinth of life, but ... and remains alone. Or, having given up on everything, he connects his life with the wrong person, thinking he will endure, fall in love. Won't endure. And don't fall in love. Torture, not life, is under the same roof with those to whom the heart is silent.

That is why it is so important to value relationships with loved ones. When a person realizes this, he cherishes the sun over his head, so to speak, good weather in the house and does not find fault with trifles. He is not looking for a reason to quarrel, in order to allegedly add piquancy to the relationship. Those who think that conflicts dilute love with bright colors are mistaken, forcing them to look at their partner with different eyes. And they say, without quarreling, relationships become insipid. All this is nonsense. Feelings and emotions can be renewed with positive moments and events. Make your partner's heart flutter again by doing something unpredictable and wonderful for him. Quarrels, like drops of poison, slowly but surely fill the glass, gradually poisoning family life. Having filled it to the brim, there is already so little love in this glass that one wrong move, and the poison will pour out of the glass, destroying the former good attitude towards the partner. Emptiness. Cold. Indifference. Nothing else remains in the heart. (On the topic of how important it is to appreciate the second half and not let everyday problems destroy personal happiness, I recommend an article by Anastasia Gai, editor-in-chief of the Solar Farts website, “How to get rid of anger and aggression? Or my new family life. (Part 1)"

Appreciate every minute spent together. Be grateful to fate for the fact that you have a loved one. After all, not everyone has such happiness. Finding your soul mate is not for everyone. Some people only dream about it. And you have it. And you just have to be ungrateful in order to find reasons after that to find fault with your person, provoke him into conflict and aggression. Fortune does not like the ungrateful and pays them in the same coin.

Expanding on this theme, we can add the following: people also quarrel because they begin to demand too much from a partner. Not appreciating what he does and gives, a person turns into an old woman from a fairy tale about the Golden Fish. More more more! All of us are not enough. But human resources and opportunities are limited, and it is impossible to step wider than the pants allow. Another thing is how to motivate a man to high achievements! But this is a separate issue. (If she excites you at the moment, I recommend reading article "Do not become a" mommy "for a man" . She will tell you how to behave correctly in relation to the chosen one, so that he succeeds)

So you need to not only appreciate the relationship, but also be grateful for what the person does for you.

Do not forget to say a simple “thank you”, it can sometimes warm you warmer than a hot battery, and a person will want to do more and more pleasant things for you. Do not miss every little thing, sometimes something big and bright is made up of little things.

Another reason why lovers fight, this is a delusion that a person should feel you and know all your thoughts and desires. Here it is worth explaining the essence of the statement. To feel means that the one who loves can determine the mood of his soul mate only by the look, facial expressions and gestures. Whether something worries her (him), whether the person is worried or, on the contrary, is in an excellent mood. It is undeniably important in the family - to feel each other. But not everyone is able to know thoughts and desires at the moment. And it's not because the person doesn't love you. We are not soothsayers and clairvoyants. Well, how can you guess what your beloved got into his head at the moment?
This is especially common in women. Many pout at the second half, if the man suddenly did not understand what you meant when, for example, you wanted to go to a restaurant, but kept silent, and instead went to the cinema. Everything needs to be talked about. On this topic on the site "Solar Hands" have a good article at Rashida Kirranova , is called “The man does not understand you? Say exactly what you want!"

Let me give you one example from life.

March 8. My friend's husband runs around the city for half a day, choosing gifts for relatives, employees and his beloved. Katya at this time, sitting at home, is already obviously sure that the darling will buy, as usual, some kind of nonsense. Sensing her tense mood, Sergey specifically called home and asked what she would like to receive as a gift? Let it be no longer a surprise, but he definitely will not goof off and anger his beloved with the “wrong” gift.

- I do not care. Buy what you see fit. I'm happy with everything, - Katya changed her anger to mercy.

Although deep down she dreamed of getting a bouquet of yellow tulips on March 8th. Yes, it was them, and not the usual luxurious burgundy rose that Sergey gave her from year to year. The girl decided to check how well her beloved feels. Will he think to buy her yellow tulips?!

—Happy holiday, dear!- Sergey congratulated Katya, presenting her with ... a burgundy rose.

He doesn't feel me at all., - then Katya complained to her friend. He doesn't understand what I need...

Perhaps if there were sorcerers or magicians in Sergey's family, he would read information from Katya's subconscious and give her these ill-fated tulips. But we are ordinary people. How can you read another's mind when a person's mood tends to change?! A person sometimes has not studied himself well, what can we say about something else?

The delusion that a person is obliged to read your thoughts leads not only to self-disappointment, but also to conflicts in the family. You yourself have come up with something. Your chosen one is an ordinary person, not a magician. He can feel your mood, well-being. He can also remember your desires, dreams, once said, and fulfill them at an unexpected moment, making you a pleasant surprise. He can study you so well that he can predict your reaction to a particular statement, event, and so on. But it is very difficult to know what you are thinking about at the moment, what you are dreaming about. So don't complicate your relationship yourself. Do not invent illusory fairy tales for yourself that have nothing to do with real life. Talk to your partner, do not close the doors to your inner world, let him study you well enough to read your eyes. And speak out loud about your desires. I recommend to all women to study the article “Don’t understand my yours”, or how to make a man understand you” on the website “Sunshine Hands”. This is a storehouse of valuable advice on family relationships.

One of the misconceptions is also that a person believes that since we have a family, then the beloved (s) should (a) this and that. Must! Must!

Grievances arise due to failure to perform specific actions, instructions, requests.

- You are a man! You have to take out the trash!

- Why me? It's a woman's duty!

Familiar? And such disputes most often arise around banal, everyday things. Isn't it better to calmly discuss all the nuances and exciting issues, so to speak, "on the shore"? No one owes nothing to nobody. People who love each other will do everything not to overshadow the mood of their soul mate. However, love does not accept orders and whims. She starts to rebel, kick, resist.

Resolve all issues through constructive dialogue. Talk to each other. Determine the range of household chores that you distribute among yourself. So that already in family life it would not be a surprise for you that the partner is not going to fulfill any specific duties that, in your opinion, should fall on his shoulders. Peaceful dialogue is the key to calm family relations. There must be compromises anyway. Since your partner is already an established adult with character, habits and outlook on life. You also have a character and adjust your soul mate to yourself, thus breaking his personality and essence, no one gave you such a right. Negotiate, look for a middle ground, give in somewhere, somewhere your partner will give in to you.

Among the list of reasons I have described why people in love quarrel, there are no such reasons as rudeness on the part of a partner, insults, humiliation, submission of one's will. Because it's not love anymore. This is a destructive force, dictatorship, the destruction of a person's personality. This is also a different topic and has nothing to do with the post why lovers quarrel. Where there is strength and humiliation of a person, there is no place for love. Beats, then loves, came up with weak people who justify their impotence and low self-esteem. Who tolerate such an attitude towards themselves and do not want to change anything. (If you have low self-esteem and are struggling with it, order Rashid Kirranov's book "How to become self-confident in 3 months" . In it you will find exercises and tips that will help you gain the long-awaited self-confidence. Order a book on the site "Solar Hands" )

I would like to say in the end that without quarrels, of course, it is very difficult, since we all have our own ambitions, character, sometimes a spoiled mood, which we tear down on loved ones. But… in such moments, look around. Someone dreams of a loved one, someone cannot give birth to a child for years, someone's roof leaks and a cold wind blows through the cracks. And someone knows how to rejoice even a piece of bread. Do you still want to yell at your loved one and for you he is the worst?

It is very easy to offend a person. Darken the relationship every two counts! It is also easy to spoil what is destined for you by fate. But glue it so that there are no traces and cracks ... Be sure to read article “Careful - Living Soul. Or "What will be left after you"? on the site "Solar Hands" .

Think before you say an offensive word, put yourself in the place of a person, do not be selfish and believe me: relationships without quarrels can also be vivid and memorable. Conflicts are not the palette that needs to be diluted with family life.

Sincerely, Mila Alexandrova.

What is foul language in a public place? Which people swear, and which ones speak obscene language? Why do people generally swear and use foul language in certain situations?

And the most curious thing is that almost everyone knows foul language, but why does society consider those who swear to be ill-mannered, cynical and immoral people?

How can a representative of the authorities, in order to fine you for swearing, prove that it was precisely an obscene expression? Will he repeat it, write it, draw it?

All this you will find today on the site. website

Why do people swear

Many, even the most educated and cultured people, are sometimes not averse to using a strong word - swearing.
Obscene language is used in almost every culture, swear words are used in almost every language, this can be especially expressed in people of creative professions.

"It's better to be a good, swearing person than a quiet, well-mannered creature."
/Faina Ranevskaya/

For the most part, people swear because they are in a stressful situation (or so they perceived it). It is under stress that the level of intelligence drops in a person (that is, verbal-logical thinking and the main vocabulary, as it were, close), he becomes more psychologically vulnerable and therefore psychological defenses are automatically launched.

Obscene language in stress, on emotions, will be a defense of the psyche ... sometimes it works as an auxiliary mechanism in some working professions (plumber, cattleman, shoemaker ...), where, as it seems to a person, one cannot do without a mat ...

People can swear at themselves, other people, animals, natural phenomena, inanimate objects - personifying them and showing their emotional, often negative, attitude towards them. In this case, an emotional outburst of negative energy occurs, which is not stored in the psyche, and therefore does not harm a person.

It turns out that obscene language is sometimes useful, as it were?! But in society, everything has its time and place - these are general moral rules.

For example, it is also useful to release gases from the stomach, and to burp air from the stomach, and blow your nose, and urinate ... - all this is harmful to keep in yourself, as well as negative emotions.

However, even a locksmith, a shepherd or a creative person, probably, will hold back, say, at the table ..., in front of children, women ... bosses ... with those who are authority for them (unless, of course, they are not drunk) ...

As it is said in the Great Book of Wisdom - the Bible - about foul language:

10. From the same mouth comes blessing and cursing: it must not, my brethren, be so.
11. Do sweet and bitter water flow from the same fountain?
(James 3:10,11)

Think about it. Do you drink and urinate with one hole?

Who speaks and who swears

Some people swear while others speak swear language... what's the difference?

Everything is very simple: if a person swears only in stressful situations, he simply shows his emotional and psychological weakness (immaturity or infantility) ... which is also not very good ...

If a person constantly, even without stress, uses abusive language, this may not only speak of his lack of culture, disrespect for himself and others, but may also be a sign of a personal, psychological or neurotic disorder.

Coprolalia - an urge to speak obscenities

There is such a painful attraction - Coprolalia (copro - KAL; lalia - SPEECH), it is observed in people with a schizophrenic disorder or Tourette's syndrome (nervous vocal tics) ... with some other diseases ...

With this disorder, a person can automatically swear - he has an unconscious craving for this ... Also, with this disease, a deep degradation of the personality can be observed, especially in women.

In addition to coprolalia, there are similar personality disorders: Copropraxia (the desire to gesticulate obscenely) and Coprography (the desire to write swearing, drawing obscene language).

Why are the organs of the reproductive system and processes used in obscene language

For some reason, it is the reproductive (genital) organs of a person, men and women, and the processes of procreation that are used in obscene language?!

Why not, say, send someone to another organ, like "Fuck you on your knee"? Or to the question "Where" - to answer - "On the head" (almost a rhyme) ... etc ...?

The thing is that people have been hammered into their heads for years (maybe centuries) that the intimate organs and the process of obtaining sexual pleasure are something dirty, shameful and shameful ... (even in the Old Testament - the Bible - the penis is called - "Shameful Oud")

And since they often swear with the aim of insulting, humiliating someone or something, at a time of stress, when the normal vocabulary is closed (or it is not there due to development and education), then they use what seems (considered) the most shameful ... (like to humiliate the opponent harder) ...

The mistake here is that by humiliating and insulting another, the swindler subconsciously believes that he exalts himself. But this is self-deception - first of all, he humiliates himself ...

How to stop cursing

If you notice yourself that you often use foul language, then it's time to stop swearing.

The point is not in the swearing itself, but in the fact that if you use swearing, you may have any personal, psychological, neurotic, or even psychiatric problems ...

If this is just a habit, then after a few conscious repetitions of normal speech, in similar situations, you will relearn and speak normally.

If these are deeper problems, for example, the very attitude to stress and the strategy for resolving a conflict situation programmed in the subconscious, then you can stop cursing with the help of psychotraining or psychotherapy.

Why do people swear? Weird question. Usually they ask about the reasons for swearing. And here - about the tasks. Why such a question?

Here's why. The reasons for swearing are very clear - intemperance, lack of the correct format of communication, general lack of culture, intensity of passions. Writing about it is both boring and useless.

Another thing is the question: “Why do people swear?”. Here is something useful to say.

Cursing in a couple, oddly enough, means that people still love each other.

Perhaps for some this is a paradoxical thought, but it is true.

People who have fallen out of love with each other do not swear. They don't care about each other. Feelings have cooled down, I don’t want to communicate. And even if you have to communicate, they try to minimize such communication.

Swearing is very intense communication. So a couple of proposals can not get off. Here you need to invest your soul. Scolding is such a celebration of the body and spirit that not every sex can be compared. In this sense, the shooting scene in the movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" is beautiful. There, the main characters smash the whole house (grotesque, of course, but on the whole everything is shown correctly). Spread, I emphasize, in the literal sense.

And all why? Because they love each other.

It's just that love is getting in the way.

Please, think about it. People fight when something prevents them from being together. And they swear in order to find and eliminate this obstacle.

What could be such an obstacle? Anything - unwillingness or desire to have children, someone's parents, different sexual tastes, spending time together, tastes, interests, inclinations. Anything can be an obstacle in a relationship.

So people are cursing, trying to understand this obstacle and remove it.

Unfortunately, people in swearing most often fail to prove their own rightness and the destruction of another. However, it would be strange to wait for another - it's swearing.

However, there are times when swearing turns into normal conversation. True, this only happens when both partners are exhausted, and only if they remain in front of each other. Then, exhausted, people magically acquire the ability to hear another and pay attention to his condition.

People start talking and since they want to be together, a solution is found. I repeat - a solution can be found, because both want to be together.

All that is needed is to swear to the last, without running away. Here is a video instruction, the same excerpt from Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

The heroes were exhausted, and so they were able to take a step towards each other and, hmm, talk.

Such is the magical power of swearing. Correct swearing, I will note especially.

Is it possible without swearing? Yes, you certainly may! Moreover, it is better without swearing. What is needed for this? Be a little savvy psychologically, understand the basic laws of married life and at least minimally discuss with each other the difficulties that arise.

And I have everything, thank you for your attention.

Why do people scream when they fight?
modern parable.

Once a wise Teacher asked his students: “Do you know why people scream when they quarrel?”

One of the students replied: "People scream because they lose their calm."

“But why do you need to shout, because the other person is next to you?” asked the Master, “Is it not possible to speak softly? Why yell at another person if you're angry?"

The students offered their own answers, but none of them suited the Teacher. Finally he explained:

“When people are dissatisfied with each other and quarrel, their hearts move away. In order to cover this distance and hear each other, they have to shout. The more angry they become, the greater the distance between their hearts becomes, and the louder they scream.

What happens to people when they fall in love? They do not shout, but rather, they speak quietly. This is because the hearts of lovers are very close to each other - the distance between them is very small.

“And when people fall in love even more, what happens?” - continued the Teacher - “Lovers do not speak, but only quietly whisper, and become even closer in their love.

Later, they don't even need to whisper. They just look at each other, and perfectly understand each other without words. This always happens when there are two people who love each other nearby.

So, when you argue, don't let your hearts drift apart, don't utter words that further increase the distance between you. Because the day may come when the distance is so great that you cannot find your way back.”

Building a relationship with a partner can be difficult. But who can do this for you if not you?

Sent by: Valeria

What is love? Why do we destroy our relationships? What is the main cause of family conflicts? How to return affection, trust, intimacy and stop quarreling over trifles? Clinical psychology professor Sue Johnson answers these questions in her book Hold Me Tight. And here's what she says.

Many believe that an adult must be self-sufficient and independent. The image of an invulnerable and fearless warrior who alone stands in the way of life's dangers and hardships has been cultivated in society for too long.

But do not underestimate the role of love and reliable, trusting relationships with loved ones. The need for a strong emotional connection is built into our genes and bodies. It is as important to life, happiness, and health as food, security, or sex.

We need support. To deny this is reckless and even dangerous. Research shows that a secure and strong relationship with a loved one makes us happier and healthier, increases self-confidence, improves self-esteem, reduces stress, and improves our ability to cope with difficulties.

People often do not see and do not understand that the lion's share of quarrels and conflicts is, in fact, a protest of partners against emotional disunity. Getting involved in the battle, men and women seem to ask each other: “Can I rely on you? Are you with me? Do I mean something to you? Do you appreciate me? Do you accept? Do you need me? Do you trust?"

All the anger, irritation, criticism and demands are actually a cry of despair. This is an attempt to get through to loved ones. Awaken their hearts. Bring back the emotional response and restore the old sense of safe intimacy.

Sometimes our feelings are hurt by some little thing. For example, a lover did not answer the call, forgot to tell about an event that was significant for him, or came home from work late. The fact is that we can perceive such actions as a manifestation of indifference and alienation of a loved one, and this, according to the observations of scientists, causes us no less acute pain than a serious physical injury.

As a rule, instead of describing our emotions, explaining to the partner why his behavior alarmed us, and asking for support, we begin to find fault with him and shower reproaches. After all, no one likes to admit their own weakness.

Development of the conflict

If partners do not try to rebuild trust, sincerely talk about their feelings and understand each other, then they fall into a terrible vicious circle: their reactions provoke even more negative responses and emotions. Relationships are becoming more destructive, resentment and disunity are growing.

Researchers identify three destructive behaviors that exacerbate the situation.

1. "Find the culprit"- a dead end pattern that quickly and effectively destroys a love affair. Partners who embark on this path are guaranteed distance from each other.

The purpose of this pattern of behavior is to protect oneself, but all means come down to mutual accusations, attacks and reproaches. The “Find the Guilty” pattern might as well have been called “It's not me, it's all you!”.

In many couples, this model turns on for a short time. In most cases, "Find the Blame" serves as a brief prelude to the "Negative Dance" - the most common and difficult process of separation.

2. "Negative Dance" One partner in this model criticizes and attacks, while the other one defends and moves away. The stronger the alienation of the second, the more desperate and caustic the verbal attacks of the first.

This pattern of behavior is also referred to as “harassment-withdrawal” or “criticism-avoidance.” It is based on a deep problem: partners experience severe emotional hunger. Both feel left out. And desperately cry for attention and care.

University of Washington psychologist John Gottman has proven that spouses stuck in this type of behavior have an 80% chance of divorce within 4-5 years.

3. "Freeze - run", or "removal - removal". This is the last stage, which is often followed by a breakup. Partners who drag out with the "Negative Dance" at some point lose hope and give up. They try to freeze feelings and needs, distance themselves and become numb. Both retreat, fleeing pain and despair.

How to “fix” love: a quick guide

1. Realize that intimacy and affection are basic needs for everyone. We all look to our loved ones for an emotional response and a sense of belonging. There is nothing shameful in this.

2. Instead of fighting each other, try to see the common enemy - destructive patterns of behavior. Discuss the harmful spiral that develops your relationship, rather than specific actions and words. Refrain from mutual accusations.

4. Tell each other about your vulnerabilities. Some situations, carelessly thrown words, awkward actions hurt us especially strongly. Almost everyone has “sick corns” formed in past or present relationships. Very often they come from childhood.

Even a light touch on an unhealed spiritual wound evokes strong emotions. But your partner may not know about your “sore spot” until you tell about it.

5. Learn to be sensitive to your partner's emotions. Relationships are destroyed by a lack of responsiveness, and not at all by the level of development of the conflict. Knowing that a loved one is nearby and will rush to the rescue at the first call, we feel more confident and stop doubting our significance.

More useful tips - in the book