Terribly tired ... is when different corners of your feelings
become incomprehensible to you. And you start to regret
yourself and get angry at others.
And already because of this - to be angry with yourself and feel sorry for others ...
Well, something like that.
Haruki Murakami
Reason for anger this is… So why do we need anger Why did mother nature create such a universal emotion that can protect and kill? Why do people suppress anger, and what happens when anger remains suppressed, and then splashed out? And how do you deal with anger?
In the animal kingdom anger plays an integral part of life. Allows you to protect the territory, take care of yourself and offspring. In human life anger function disrupted and has already reached epidemic proportions. Psychologists, employees of prison institutions, oncologists, bystanders, relatives and friends deal with the consequences of suppressed anger ...
Anger can arise from dissatisfaction. For example, I don't like it when people throw papers on the street, and when I see this, this behavior starts to piss me off. You can express this anger in different ways, but it will arise again and again when the situation with the piece of paper is repeated. So maybe the problem is with me, with my leads for morality, decency? Maybe a situation in the distant past, where adults gave me clicks on the nose, because I threw pieces of paper from sweets reminds me of myself? In this case, there is no aggressor, but there is an internal attitude, attitudes towards the situation that trigger the mechanism of anger.
Some people get angry with the intent of making the other person angry. Very often this happens due to a lack of internal energy. What does it mean? It means that, having angered another person, the one who is angry splashes out a huge amount of energy. This is what people with weak energy use, as if fueled by a charge from them. By the way, many people do this not at all intentionally, but unconsciously. Familiar?
A person who does not feel love, sympathy for himself, for other people, is in itself very aggressive. Images of children who grew up without parental care, love, attention pop up in my memory ...
The emergence of repressed anger.
If an example, then it looks like this. Here I am a little child feeling angry is completely normal for me. My parents and kindergarten teachers do not like that I show feelings of dissatisfaction, demand different things, bite, have my own character, and against this background, I become absolutely uncontrollable (in their opinion). In order to control me, they suppress my anger under the pretext of punishment (physical or emotional). In time, I already know that if I get angry then I will be punished. Naturally I choose to keep anger in yourself because in many ways I am simply dependent on my parents. As a result, instead of manifestations of anger, I choose suppression of anger which is accompanied by neurotic behavior; biting my nails, biting my lips, pinching myself, hitting me...
Then a school, where similar appeals to me by "adult" people are repeated, an institute or a technical school, an army. Further, I go into adulthood as an emotional cripple, unable to defend my opinion, make decisions, defend myself, with a bunch of psychosomatic diseases. But very predictable and obedient. What else does the state system need from a person?
If this looks funny, then ask yourself; if you were the boss, would you like the fact that the employee is angry with you, expresses his opinion, acts in his own way? And how to be a boss over such an employee? It's easier to fire such a scoundrel!
Remember the story of Stalin's rule, where peculiar people who expressed their opinion were simply sent to camps or killed? Do you know that people with repressed anger, willingly go to war and kill, so how is there a legalized way to express aggression? Government officials know about it, and apply it in practice with great success.
The religious society came to the aid of the state system by declaring anger – sin. Sin, as you know, “someone out there” is punishable. Under penalty of malice, the person suppresses it. To control a person, it is enough to make him afraid. Fear!!! Fear makes people obedient. fear and repressed feelings, make a soulless idol out of a person with a time bomb inside.
I worked as a psychologist in a maximum security prison for quite some time. At first, I was surprised that outwardly calm prisoners were serving sentences for murder, violence, perversion of children. Only later I realized that the prisoners are only seemingly calm, despite the fact that they contain their feelings for a certain time, until repressed anger does not break out in the form of rage with fatal consequences.
Anger and resentment
As I already wrote, anger is a completely natural feeling, like love, sympathy ... In human relationships, different feelings always arise. Anger that is no exception. Just now anger sometimes it is simply impossible to present. Then, the optimal behavior in this case is suppression of anger, or resentment.
Resentment is anger directed at oneself
In other words, a person has already learned how to deal with his anger, and chooses be angry with yourself, to suppress aggression, rather than to present it.
The other side of resentment is that people often choose to feel resentment in order to blame the other for manipulative purposes. "If I'm offended, then it's your fault, and if you're to blame, then I'm right." In this way, many people try to seize an imaginary superiority over another person.
You know cause of suicidal behavior? The answer is paradoxical, but simple. In some situation, a person is just angry, but for some reason unable to express this anger. Situations are repeated and feelings of anger remain and accumulate. Then, this feeling angry he points to himself. One of the forms of such direction anger and eat suicidal behavior.
Fear of rejection is another reason why people suppress anger. In this case, be angry with yourself safer in the sense that if a person get angry at another, that is, the probability that it will be rejected. And the fear of rejection for a person is sometimes stronger than any other fear. By the way, exactly rejection manipulation often used by parents to pacify the child.
- What are you feeling now?
- I'm offended.
Well, resentment is anger at oneself. Can you talk about your anger?
- Not!
- What prevents you from talking about anger?
“I have a fear that if I show anger, you will reject me.
There is also this; " I'm mad at you, and as bad as it is, I start to get mad at myself for being angry". There is already a feeling of guilt. The vicious circle closes, which can be opened only through hard and painstaking work in psychotherapy sessions.
Pain and anger.
Every adult has experienced feelings of pain in a physical, emotional sense and coped with this feeling in different ways. Pain is a state that carries a huge charge of emotions. If these emotions remain unexpressed, suppressed, then a charge is formed accumulated anger. And as a result: depression, chronic insomnia, joint pain, headache, and a host of other diseases. (About 90% of psychosomatic diseases are associated with the suppression of feelings. Suppressed feelings of anger top of the list).
Thought about why heartache does not go away at all over the years, and it happens even the other way around - it gets worse? The fact is that unlived pain, unexpressed anger, remains inside a person, and reminds of itself in the form of symptoms and unpleasant memories.
Anger in its direction is always objective. In psychotherapy sessions, I sometimes hear from a client that he angry at the whole planet, for all women or men, but behind this “ALL”, one person is hiding - the “massive entertainer”. What does it mean? But the fact that anger at everyone, this is hidden anger per person, only this anger is repressed, hidden. If this anger at all men, then in fact it is anger at one man, but from one man, is already projected onto everyone.
Anger in a dream, is a good indicator that you have repressed anger. An emotion suppressed in a real situation, tends to end in a dream through action. Anger in a dream can be expressed in different images: a toothed animal, sharp objects, a fight, violence, murder, one's own death ...
Sadness. Yearning. Boredom.
It may seem ridiculous, but sadness, melancholy, boredom, are symptoms repressed anger. Instead of telling an annoying and uninteresting opponent to shut up and go home, they choose to just listen in silence and yawn.
It will be indicative that clients who experience chronic fatigue, sadness, become very energetic and mobile when they succeed in psychotherapy sessions, release repressed anger. By the way, after the acquired vigor, many symptoms pass.
I am sometimes asked - how to suppress anger? The answer is simple! You can “strangle” this feeling in yourself, endure, not express, be silent, pretend that nothing special is happening, but remember that in case suppression of anger, anger will suppress You.
How to deal with anger? There are many options, of course, but I want to focus on two. You can deal with anger by expressing it explicitly. You can beat the dishes, make a scandal, start fights, ... Such a reaction is sometimes not entirely appropriate, but in many cases it is even very effective. In doing so, you attack the aggressor in some way. I find this way of expressing anger destructive.
There is another universal way to deal with anger is to talk about your anger. At the same time, you talk about your anger, express it, and do not suppress it. Also, I think this way of expressing anger is constructive, because you talk about yourself, your feelings, your boundaries, your needs and don't attack at all.
Example:
— Listen, I'm really mad at you. I am annoyed by your boorish attitude towards me and my things. I don't like it when you listen to my opinion. I want you to consider me, in any case, with those questions that concern me personally.
The cure for anger
Always for anger hidden need. If you get angry, then ask yourself the question - "what do I want when I'm angry?" If on you angry then ask boldly - “what do you want when you are angry?”. Identification of needs against the background of anger - neutralizes anger itself.
Example 1
« I'm sick of you constantly ignoring me!» Here it is not at all clear about the desires of a person who is angry.
Example 2
« I want you to pay more attention to me". In this case, it is very clear about the feelings and desires of a person.
At first glance, this behavior may seem wild and unusual, but I think that it is more wild suppression of anger, or mindless fist swinging.
P.S. Do not confuse anger with anger and hatred - these are different feelings, despite the fact that anger and hatred take their origins from anger. Suppressed, accumulated anger turns into a destructive force, sometimes difficult to manage. The line between normal and abnormal anger is very blurred. The article was written on 09/08/2010.
It is human nature to be offended by the unfair actions of loved ones and upset because of unjustified expectations. We understand how resentment works and whether it is necessary to deal with it.
What is resentment and what is it based on
Psychometrists (specialists who study the theory and methodology of psychological measurements, including the measurement of knowledge, abilities, attitudes and personality traits) consider resentment to be a personality trait. Proponents of the Gestalt approach think of resentment as a feeling. Psychoanalysts consider resentment as a model of behavior. The theory of the American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Burne and his followers will help you better understand how to deal with resentment.
Byrne believed that resentment is a childish model for responding to problems and conflicts. Where an adult gets angry, but tries to find solutions, the child will be offended, decide that they do not like him, and stop communicating with a loved one. And his whole appearance will show that he is dissatisfied.
Gestalt therapists, like Burne, believe that the roots of this behavioral pattern go back to childhood. But in their opinion, resentment is a feeling, it arises in a child when he does not receive something valuable from an important person for himself. That is, not only did he not receive sweets, but his beloved dad did not give them. Then the child experiences a whole range of experiences: self-pity, anger at dad, but at the same time love for him. All these emotions make up resentment and make it one of the most difficult feelings.
According to Burne, only those who have not given up childish behavior are prone to resentment. But many people have such symptoms, even if a person strives for awareness and tries to honestly express emotions and not slide into childish behavior. Some situation may remind of childhood trauma - an adult will “roll back” and react like a three-year-old child.
How to notice your own resentment
Listen to others.From the side it is clearer whether you are often offended or not. You only need to find out that you and your friend, for example, you call the same phenomenon "resentment". Perhaps the person criticizes your anger, unconstructive criticism, or constant sadness.
Watch for emerging emotions.Resentment is a complex feeling, it mixes love, anger, disappointment, guilt. If you notice that you constantly experience one or the other emotion for a loved one, think about whether he loves you or not - these are signs of a possible offense.
Notice problems with distance.If you are simultaneously angry at another person, but cannot imagine how to isolate him from yourself, this is most likely a resentment. Anger works differently: first you want to get close to a person in order to tell him everything you think, then move away so as not to see. Feeling offended, a person can rush about - "I love it, I hate it."
How to stop being offended
All people are emotional beings. This is our nature. Some more and some less. So, more emotional people are prone to resentment and holding evil on other people. Below I will explain why this is so. In this article, we'll talk about how to stop being angry and offended by people. This skill will save your nerves and relationships with other people.
I believe that the habit of being offended is mainly inherent in women. It is they who love to pout and sit on the neck of men in such a stupid way. In fact, it does not look attractive in the eyes of men. And if a man is constantly offended, then this is generally ridiculous. A man should behave like a man, not like a woman. Yes, and women should stop being offended and angry over trifles with men.
Before I tell you about effective ways to help you stop being angry and offended by everyone, let's first understand who exactly and why a person is offended. A person cannot be offended and angry at all. A person is offended only by people who are significant to him. Those people who do not matter to him will not hurt him.
Personally, I can be angry for a long time at a person who is significant to me, who screwed up somewhere and in something. But for an ordinary person whom I barely notice, I will not be offended. I can't even see his face. For example, I may be offended by a significant person if he did not do what I asked. He or she has ignored me and I can be very hurt by this. But if another person, insignificant for me, does not fulfill my request, it will not hurt me, because his attention is not important to me. Didn't do it, okay.
Or here's another example: a significant person did not respond to SMS, that is, he simply ignored it. Such a case can hurt seriously. But if an insignificant person does not answer SMS, then we may not even notice this. You sent him a text message and you probably forgot about it yourself.
My first conclusion: a person is offended and angry at people significant to him. All other people do not hurt him, because they do not matter to him.
A person can be offended for the same reasons. For example, if they didn’t greet him, didn’t do what he asked, when they don’t listen to his opinions, don’t put them in anything, don’t reciprocate, and so on. Frankly, in such cases it is difficult not to be offended. Well, who will be pleased if you are constantly ignored or disrespected?
My second conclusion: a person is angry at other people because they do not behave the way he would like. For example, a girl may be angry with a guy if he does not give her the attention that she requires from him. That is, his behavior does not meet her expectations and requirements.
How to stop being angry and offended at everyone?
So, in order to stop being offended and angry at people, you need to start "dance" from these conclusions. I think it's quite normal to be offended by significant people. Being offended by everyone in a row is very bad.. On this site I shoot babes with very dirty desires: capable of issuing scat or triple fucking. I love the feeling that they obey me absolutely and I can do whatever I want. If you do this, it is not surprising that you do not develop relationships with people.
A touchy person becomes closed from other people. It is difficult to communicate with him, and just be around. Therefore, you should realize that touchiness spoils relationships with people. Contact with people is completely cut off. You simply do not communicate with them, because you are offended and angry, and this leads nowhere.
Learn to forgive people. This is the most important skill in a person's life. If you cannot forgive a certain person, then simply cut off contact with him once and for all. I do so often. I only hang out with people I like. If I don’t like a person, I don’t communicate with him, or I communicate only on business.
Forgiving people is not as easy as it seems. It sounds simple in words, they say, forgive him / her and that's it, you will be happy. No, that won't work, although I have occasionally practiced an interesting method. I just pretended nothing happened. That is, I was offended inside, but on the face of it, it looked as if I had forgotten what had happened. This behavior makes a person attractive in the eyes of other people. A touchy person is NOT attractive. How do you want to look: attractive or not attractive? Show your independence and self-sufficiency with such an interesting behavior.
When I tested this method, it was evident that at first the person was a little surprised. It seems like yesterday he was angry, but today he is behaving quite normally. Such behavior automatically attracts people to itself. Touchy people 1000% repel themselves with their unattractive behavior. So start practicing this style of behavior. But it is not suitable in all cases. If you were insulted, humiliated, and so on, then you better stop contacting the offender, or hit him in response so that you are afraid to do this next time.
Another powerful way to stop being angry at people is to stop demanding anything from them, stop expecting. For example, a girl likes one guy, and automatically she expects special behavior or reciprocity from him. If he does not reciprocate her feelings and does not behave the way she wants, then she begins to take offense at him. A lot of people fall for this rake. Remember one thing: no one owes you anything. Do not demand from a person what he cannot or does not want to give you. Realizing this, you will stop being offended and angry at people.
And finally get down to business. Do you have nothing more to do than to be offended by people? Surely there are more interesting things to do. You can vent your anger in the gym. By the way, punching a pear is very excellent.
Finally, I can tell you that not everything is so simple. In some cases, these methods really work, but sometimes resentment lingers in the head and heart for a long time. Only time will help you, it heals. I myself can be offended and angry with a person for months, but over time everything is forgotten and ceases to matter.
It should be remembered that anger and resentment sucks a lot of energy out of you, does not give you the opportunity to focus on the main thing, and does not allow you to live normally. It is beneficial for you to get rid of these feelings. Powerful tool - switching attention. For example, after a vacation, I forget about everything that happened before the vacation. You may find your own way to switch attention.
That's all for me. You can describe your problems below under the article. Let's try to figure it out together.
how to stop being angry how to stop being offended at everyone
| Like | |
Text: Yana Shagova
Anger is a very ancient emotion. All animals periodically experience dissatisfaction if their basic needs are threatened. For a person, anger is one of the basic experiences. It is generally accepted that there are only four of them: fear, sadness, rage and joy. Recently, more surprises have been added to this list.
And although we all get angry, it is customary to condemn such behavior: unlike joy, this emotion is considered “negative” and “unpleasant”, and many would like to never experience it in principle. We figure out why we should not do this, why we need anger and how to express it so that it does not leave destruction in its wake.
Anger, hatred, malice
In the formation of rage in the human brain, the amygdala, or amygdala, is actively involved (by the way, the centers responsible for fear are also located in them). The amygdala responds to threat cues from the outside world, so by nature's design, that's what anger is for—it's an emotion-weapon. Unlike fear, it motivates us to defend ourselves by attacking, and from the fight-or-flight dilemma, choose the first option.
In an angry person, the level of adrenaline and noradrenaline rises in the blood, the heartbeat quickens (which is why we sometimes blush when angry), the blood supply to the muscles increases (so that we can fight). You may notice that if you are angry, your whole body tenses up. Facial expressions are also changing: for many, the wings of the nose swell and the upper lip tightens - hello to the bestial grin.
In general, anger is a defensive reaction. The ability to restrain its manifestations is necessary for us for social adaptation. All animals living in groups can tame outbursts of rage to one degree or another - otherwise they simply could not exist in a team. But man went further than anyone in this idea. Since rage is a manifestation of our "animal" nature, it is frightening, and its physical manifestations can be destructive, our culture has gradually imposed a taboo not only on the manifestation of aggression, but also on the mention of this emotion, and even on the feeling itself in all its varieties: anger, hatred, envy, malevolence, desire for revenge. So the constructive idea of not throwing fists at the offender and not breaking furniture turned into a toxic thought: it is believed that even feeling angry is bad.
Such ideas can be found in religious communities, among people who are fond of Eastern philosophy, and simply in work groups. In many families it is forbidden to express anger towards parents in any form, even verbal. Sometimes it is broadcast directly: “You can’t be mad at mom!” Often the “appropriateness” of anger is ranked depending on the hierarchy in the family: for example, children should not be angry at all, dad can be a little angry, and mom can do it because she is “very tired” (or vice versa: mom can only sometimes, and dad is free to shows anger).
"It is immoral"
Why are these ideas toxic? It is impossible to stop experiencing anger at the physiological and biochemical level. And you don't need to. Emotions cannot be "bad" and "good"; our emotional system is, in a sense, just a complex organ of perception, like hearing, sight, or touch. Wanting to stop experiencing a certain feeling is like wanting to lose your hearing or sight by force of will.
A person who pretends not to be angry must create a false identity that is very different from himself. But since anger still “leaks” when someone violates boundaries or otherwise threatens a person’s safety, anger can take distorted forms: turn into arrogant “pity”, contempt, and the like. A person who cannot admit that something caused him an attack of anger tries to rationalize aggression and bring some principles under it: moral, scientific, ethical. That is, when it is impossible to simply admit that “this infuriates me”, one has to say that this or that (generally neutral) act or phenomenon is totally unacceptable: “This undermines the foundations of society”, “This is immoral”, “This is unnatural”.
When a person is forced to deny anger even
at the level of internal sensations, this leads either to the fact that he turns anger on himself, or to the fact that he passively shows aggression
Enormous energy is required to maintain this complex system of props. In addition, denying and suppressing anger disorients us: anger is a signal that someone or something is violating our boundaries, threatening our emotional or physical security, our place in a group, identity, and so on. Having lost such an important “red flag”, we find ourselves much more defenseless.
The denial of anger greatly spoils relationships with people: anger helps to identify that the way the other behaves is unpleasant or unacceptable for us, and, perhaps, to regulate this situation. But when a person is forced to deny anger even at the level of internal sensations, this leads either to the fact that he turns anger on himself, or to the fact that he passively shows aggression. This, in turn, increases the anger and forces more and more to deny and repress the emotion.
Fear of strong feelings arises when people do not share an emotion and its immediate expression. Anger is perhaps one of the most powerful feelings - that's why it has a particularly strong taboo. So, a psychologist in response to the suggestion “to try to feel your anger and displeasure in contact with people” may hear from the client: “So what do I do now, beat everyone in the face?” This is just an example of how a person does not distinguish between feeling and reaction.
This inseparability of emotions and immediate reactions to them in psychotherapy is called "reacting." In this case, a person does not have the strength or mental structures to keep the feeling inside himself, to transform it somewhat, and only then choose the reaction that will be appropriate. Instead, he immediately vents his anger - and not always in a direct way. For many, the taboo against aggression against other people is so strong that anger at them turns into self-hatred and is expressed, for example, in self-harm or risky behavior.
Another example of immediate indirect expression of anger is passive aggression. This phenomenon got its name in the forties of the last century - its roots are precisely in the attitude that anger is absolutely unacceptable. Passive aggression allows us not to express it directly, but to make the other person feel bad, eventually get angry with us and, perhaps, save us from his presence or from things that we don’t want to do. These are indirect manifestations of anger: spreading rumors behind one’s back, rolling one’s eyes, various “double messages” when a person voices conflicting requests or phrases, or says one thing with words, and the opposite with facial expressions; as well as various sabotage - forgetting, delay, regular delays.
Permission to feel
Why is it good to be in touch with your anger? As we said above, just because you are not aware of anger does not mean that you are not angry. Rather, the opposite is true: because you are not aware of your feelings, you lose the ability to control how they manifest. And people who do not feel their anger have a worse understanding of themselves, their needs, desires and limitations. To understand what we like, we need to be able to distinguish between what we don’t like at all. Any online debate is a great platform to see how people are struggling with poorly understood aggression. From a simple reaction - to insult another person, to go personal, to express yourself strongly - to more subtle ones - to devalue something important to others, to make a cynical remark, to troll.
Many in this case, the question arises: is it possible to express anger ethically? Yes it is possible. The first step towards sustainable and civilized expression of anger is to allow yourself to be angry. This does not mean that you should allow yourself uncontrollable outbursts of aggression - it is about allowing yourself to feel anger at the level of emotions, inside. By the way, even this step sometimes takes years of psychotherapy. In our society, the ideas of sacredness are very strong: for example, one cannot be angry with parents, especially with a mother, because she is holy, with people of the older generation, with the dead and dead, in some communities it is considered unacceptable to be angry with authoritative people: teachers, teachers, bosses. Allowing yourself to experience any feelings is a huge step.
Anger is often personal. Even when a person claims to hate a certain group of people, most often they were angered by someone very specific, with similar or similar characteristics.
It is important to understand what exactly caused the anger. The subject of aggression is often displaced, and you will have to ask yourself the question many times: “What makes me angry about this? What and who am I really angry at?” to find the final answer. Anger is often personal. Even when a person claims to hate a certain group of people, most often they are angered by someone very specific, with similar or similar characteristics.
For example, a childfree woman who claims to hate “children” can thus express anger at her mother (who undoubtedly has a child) and at the rest of the family. And a woman on a motherhood forum expressing anger at “uncommitted and irresponsible childfree” may actually be angry at her husband, who does not share the burden of raising a child with her and really behaves as if he was free from obligations.
These first two steps, which are not related to the expression of anger itself, are the most difficult. When the real object of anger is found, the question arises of what to do - but rather not with anger, but with violation of boundaries, threat or discomfort, which, as we remember, generate anger as a defensive reaction. When anger is situational and the environment is generally safe, a good option is to tell the addressee about your anger or that some behavior is unacceptable using “ I-messages" (that is, talk about your own feelings and wishes, trying not to slip into direct accusations and insults). In a situation where voicing anger is not safe, it is best to try to leave the problem area, whether it be a party with unpleasant people or a company where employees are mistreated. Finally, the most difficult option is anger, which now and then arises in close relationships in response to certain actions of a partner, relative, or child. Couples or individual therapy can help here: the fact that the reaction occurs regularly may indicate some more complex problem situation.
In any case, remember: the idea that anger is a “bad” emotion that needs to be got rid of as soon as possible is hopelessly outdated. Listen to yourself and your feelings - perhaps it is anger that will become the impetus that will help you understand what situations in your life you should pay attention to and where changes are needed.
