“I’m fine, but I constantly feel lonely, although I’m not alone,” most people can ascribe such a phrase to themselves. Where does this feeling come from and why are there so many of us?

Now we can answer these questions. Research by the Red Cross in the UK has shown that one in five Brits feel lonely. Other studies show that chronic loneliness is bad for health and can shorten life expectancy. Fortunately, we are now well aware of this influence.

As a psychotherapist and specialist in the problem of neglect of the emotional needs of the child, I think that I can at least partly answer the questions "Why?" and "What to do?" I have observed many people whose experiences were ignored by their parents and as a result they felt lonely as adults. It seems to many that there is nothing particularly terrible in the fact that parents do not respond to the emotions of the child. Such upbringing deprives him of important parts of the foundation on which relationships with others are built.

If it was not customary in your family to talk heart to heart and seriously discuss feelings, you may not be able to do this.

The consequences of neglecting emotional needs continue to reverberate into adulthood, creating feelings of alienation and other problems.

Reasons why you feel lonely:

1. In families where it is customary to ignore emotions, there are usually no heart-to-heart conversations. The client said that his family was great at discussing future plans and practical issues, but if someone was sad, hurt or angry, family members seemed to run away. Yes, it's hard to talk about painful experiences. This needs to be learned. And if in your family it was not customary to speak heart to heart and seriously discuss feelings, you may simply not be able to do this. And since this skill is so important for building meaningful relationships (both friendships and loves), you find it difficult to connect with others, and as a result, you suffer from loneliness.

2. If a parent ignores or criticizes a child's feelings, the child will automatically shut off the experience in order to survive. As a child, you adapted to the conditions of life in the family, learning to suppress emotions so as not to burden your parents with them. But feelings are a kind of glue that binds people and allows them to build meaningful relationships. Without them, it is difficult to build those deep and lasting emotional bonds that everyone needs.

3. If your parents ignored your feelings, they seemed to send a signal every day: "No one needs your feelings." Since feelings are the deepest and most natural manifestation of ourselves, we hear this message differently: “You yourself (a) are not needed (needed)”. Adults whose feelings were neglected in childhood feel, deep down, that they are less important than others. They sacrifice feelings, needs, and needs for the benefit of others. If you consider yourself worse than others, you seem to live in a separate world.

4. Another message that the subconscious receives: "If something is wrong with the feelings, then with you too." A person who grew up in a family where his feelings were neglected feels deeply flawed from childhood. Because of this, he is afraid to open up to others, because he is afraid that they will see his inferiority. Therefore, he maintains a "safe" relationship, keeping a distance, but they do not bring satisfaction.

You can give yourself the emotional love and care that was lacking in childhood

5. You tried to ask your parents for emotional help all the time, which is completely natural, but you did not receive help. Now, as an adult, you are afraid to seek emotional support from others. You are afraid to experience disappointment or rejection, so you rely only on yourself. Your motto is "I can do it myself." But being afraid to ask for help, you isolate yourself from others and again feel lonely.

6. It can be hard to accept that your emotional needs were neglected as a child. And even when you see how this neglect affects your life, it is often difficult to explain to others. Because of this, it may seem to you that only you have suffered from the problem and no one can understand you. But you are not alone. In fact, countless people are experiencing the same thing. Most of them seem to be healthy, resilient people. You meet them in the store, work in the office, sit at the festive table. Physically, they do not seem lonely, but they feel emotionally alone. They do not need to surround themselves with a lot of people, they need to learn how to treat their feelings differently.

Many people know the feeling of loneliness. It can be a fleeting feeling, and a constant oppressive state.

Types of loneliness

All people are unique, and therefore the needs for communication and the amount of time spent in society are diverse. Someone needs to be alone to rest, to reflect, to reflect. For others, it is vital to be among people, to attract attention. But both can experience an oppressive and unpleasant feeling of loneliness. After all, the division into extroverts and introverts is rather conditional. And most people can be classified as ambiverts, combining to some extent the qualities of the first two types.

Allocate emotional and social loneliness.

The first type occurs in a situation where a person does not have strong emotional ties with significant people (parents, spouses, friends). Increased anxiety, feelings of despair and own vulnerability are inherent in this condition. Often, depression develops against the background of emotional loneliness.

The second type occurs when a person has lost strong social ties, for example, due to a change of residence, work, study. Feelings of social isolation, lack of purpose, boredom accompany this state.

How to deal with loneliness?

When loneliness becomes a problem, you should not revel in this feeling, but try to cope with it.

It is better to treat this state as an opportunity to understand yourself. Use loneliness as a "springboard" to move to another level of personal development.

And first you need to understand what type of loneliness you experience. What exactly is missing? It is also important to accept that loneliness is just a feeling, and a large number of people on Earth experience it.

The basis for overcoming loneliness is the following changes:

• way of thinking;
• lifestyle.

How to change the way of thinking?

To change your mindset you need:

• learn to understand and express their feelings;
• transform negative thoughts into positive ones;
• do not divide the world into black and white.

The ability to understand and express your feelings will help to cope not only with loneliness. In order to deal with emotions and experiences, it is best to keep a diary. By writing down and analyzing your feelings, you can understand at what exact moment a feeling of loneliness arises, what provokes it. Having understood, thus, with the source of the problem, you can find a way to solve it.

Thinking (its type) shapes the reality around us. People who are prone to negative thinking only notice the negative around them. And the eternal mental dissatisfaction with the world leads to the fact that a person experiences only negative emotions.

If you expect a positive outcome from future events, then it will most likely be so. Even if things don't go smoothly, it's best to celebrate the positives and not dwell on the negatives.

Having received an invitation to a party (corporate party, alumni meeting), you should not refuse with the thought that you will be bored all evening, it is better to think that this is an opportunity to make new acquaintances or have a nice chat.

In order to think positively, it is worth starting to rebuild negative thoughts, adding positive ones to them. Not: “My classmates don’t understand me,” but: “I don’t have friends at the university yet, but I will find them.” It is quite difficult, but starting small, you can achieve success. You should spend 10 minutes a day tracking negative thoughts and reformulating them. And when it starts to work out without difficulty, increase the time. Ideally, this process should take place throughout the day. It will help you see the world differently.

It is also necessary to stop dividing the world into black and white. If it is bad now, it does not mean that it will always be so. These thoughts must be stopped.

If feelings of “eternal loneliness” haunt you, it is better to remember situations when communication left a feeling of mutual understanding. And also that it wasn't always like this.

How to start changing your lifestyle?

Practical actions can be as follows:

• find an occupation to your liking;
• change the habitual way of life;
• find like-minded people;
• get a pet;
• participate in volunteer activities.

It is important to get rid of loneliness to fill the day with interesting and pleasant things. Probably, everyone will be able to remember what they always wanted to learn (draw, program, dance, embroider, play the guitar). Finding something you like, a person brings positive emotions into his life.

It is difficult to get rid of loneliness if you live all the time in the home-work mode and while away the evenings watching TV or watching TV shows online. Walking in nature helps to improve the emotional state. Take a walk in the park, make it a pleasant habit, and negative thoughts will recede.

In order not to sit at home in the evenings, you can buy a subscription to a fitness club, swimming pool, drawing or dancing studio. The main thing is that the activity brings pleasure.

And it’s easier to get to know each other if you share one hobby.

You can also find like-minded people on the Internet at thematic forums or in groups on social networks. Virtual communication with people with similar views often turns into reality.

Having a pet can help you deal with feelings of loneliness. The main thing is that communication with a cat or dog does not completely replace communication with people.

You can escape from thoughts of loneliness by participating in volunteer projects. Visit children in boarding schools, lonely old people or help homeless animals. Participation in volunteer organizations helps build stronger emotional ties, get more pleasure from communication. And all this will help to overcome loneliness.

It is important, trying to get rid of the oppressive feeling of loneliness, to be attentive to new acquaintances. A person experiencing strong negative experiences is vulnerable, and can easily become “easy prey” for various manipulators. You can understand that a new friend is not interested in healthy and warm communication by the following signs:

• a person is too sweet, caring and tries to fill all his free time with himself;
• such people have bouts of bad mood if they are excluded from the plans for the evening;
• they control where and with whom their “friend” spends time;
• usually from such people you will not expect a reciprocal favor, they use others for their own benefit.

Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling, but you can overcome it and at the same time enrich your inner world. The main thing is not to feel sorry for yourself and not to slide into negativity, but to gradually change your lifestyle and thoughts.

A person always expects recognition of his personality from others. If this does not happen, then there is a feeling of alienation, which is called loneliness.

Feelings of loneliness can arise even when there are real connections with other people. A person may feel unwanted and unloved in a large family or rejected in a team. The feeling of loneliness can occur episodically, like a flash, or it can take root in the mind of a person as an obsessive state.

Loneliness is always accompanied by tension and anxiety associated with dissatisfaction with communication or intimate relationships.

Types of feelings of loneliness

People with a state of loneliness differ from each other in their own activity and degree of experience.

There are several types of feelings of loneliness:

1. Hopelessly lonely people: unsatisfied with their relationships, having a feeling of abandonment and emptiness.

3. Persistently lonely people are passive people resigned to their condition.

4. People are not lonely, whose social isolation is of a voluntary temporary nature, while not causing a feeling of oppression.

In psychiatry, there are two types of loneliness:

• The first type of loneliness is associated with a person's alienation from himself: his past, experience, from the functioning of his own body. Loneliness is associated with problems of perception and assimilation of the mechanisms of development and self-preservation of the organism.
• The second type of loneliness is associated with the quality of relationships with other people, acceptance, evaluation of this quality and acceptance by a person of himself as a person.

The feeling of loneliness is defined as the painful experience of being alone. This experience becomes obsessive and captures all thoughts and actions of a person. Loneliness is experienced as depression, melancholy, boredom, sadness, despair. A person can worry about lost connections, rejection of himself, not realizing himself as an accomplished person.

Situational transient loneliness can appear after certain unpleasant events: divorce, death of loved ones, job loss, serious injury or illness. After some time, a person comes to terms with the loss and fully or partially overcomes his condition. A situational feeling of loneliness is expressed in short-term attacks, which, as a rule, pass without a trace.

Sometimes this condition does not go away, but turns into chronic loneliness. This occurs if, in the event of loss, a person cannot cope with his emotional state and does not find strength and opportunity in establishing relationships with significant people. At the same time, there is a loss of interaction mechanisms.

Chronic loneliness can accompany a person from childhood. This usually occurs when there is no emotional attachment between children and parents. It is possible that this is an unwanted child, or a child who does not meet the expectations of the parents. From childhood, the child is forced to avoid contact with his parents, or he is simply deprived of them. The habit of loneliness persists in communication with a group of peers, where the child independently alienates himself from others. This produces a persistent chronic feeling of loneliness.

However, it should be noted that in some cases people are quite comfortable in their isolated state. In this case, we are talking about personality traits bordering on pathology.

Loneliness can only be discussed if a person is clearly aware of the inferiority of his relationship with other people. In other words, a person experiences his loneliness in the truest sense of the word. At the same time, the feeling of loneliness is influenced not so much by the relationship itself, but by the person's idea of ​​\u200b\u200bwhat they should be. Due to this discrepancy, a person who constantly communicates with one or two individuals may experience an acute lack of communication and feel lonely.

The feeling of loneliness is understood as a difficult emotional state caused by the dissatisfaction of the need for interpersonal relationships.

Some psychologists believe that man is inherently born, lives and dies alone. Others believe that man is a social being and should be surrounded by his own kind.

The first signs of a heightened sense of loneliness appear in adolescence. At the same time, the frequency and number of contacts does not matter; satisfaction with communication is more important.

The experience of loneliness can be caused by a number of reasons:

• The inability of a person to endure solitude.
• Low self-esteem projected onto others: "I'm terrible, worthless, no one can love me."
• Anxiety and social fears: someone else's opinion, ridicule, being different from everyone else.
• Lack of communication skills.
• distrust of people.
• Tightness and stiffness.
• Constant wrong choice of partners.
• Fear of being rejected by a partner.
• Fear and anxiety about intimacy.
• Unrealistic claims and desires.
• Lack of initiative, sociable passivity.

The feeling of loneliness largely depends on self-esteem. Lonely people often feel worthless, incompetent, second-rate. This perception of oneself justifies the absence of permanent communication partners. Lonely people do not trust others. They are often hypocritical, stubborn, cautious.

Great minds tried to understand the psychology of loneliness and their views never merged into one definite opinion, because people are unique. Each person perceives his feelings in his own way, which can be compared with someone else's, but fit to the template - no. So, some psychologists believe that loneliness is rooted in childhood and adolescence, where the perception of the world around and the understanding that there is “I” and there is someone else is formed. Some believe that childhood does not play a role, and the main reason lies in a person’s inability to live because of his unsuccessful attempts to comply with the norms of life in society and he continues to live, adhering to social “facades”, oppressing his true “I”, which leads to emptiness. Loneliness can be viewed as the result of unjustified expectations, a discrepancy between desires and opportunities, leading to inevitable inner longing.

In the process of immersion in popular science works on psychology, it became clear that one cannot do without an understanding person who will help to understand the mass of emerging issues.

How to fully live with the feeling of loneliness, understand it and cope with it?

Marina Petrova, director of the women's club "Academy of Happiness", psychologist, trainer and author of programs for women, will tell us the answers to these questions.

“We will consider loneliness as a feeling or experience that a person experiences. Because it is obvious that you can be in complete isolation from people and not feel lonely. For people with an underdeveloped psyche, it is enough to chat with someone, drink, etc., so as not to feel lonely. And there are more adult individuals with a fairly developed psyche, for whom it is much more difficult. A more subtle feeling of others, the ability to empathize, at the same time make life more intense, but the demands are also increasing: without full contact, these people feel lonely, not receiving proper full communication, ”says the psychologist Marina Petrova.

Why do people who live in large families and are surrounded by attention still feel lonely?

Marina Petrova: Quite often relatives express their attention somehow in their own way. For example, a mother may constantly control her child, thinking that this is such a concern. I often see that criticism is some form of attention. The critic thinks that this is such a motivation (he will understand and want to improve). Therefore, attention may be different. Very valuable in the interaction of people is the intimacy that arises in contact with another person, but this is such a rarity in the modern world. In fact, even considering the need to create intimacy, since it doesn't appear on its own, it's not as hard as it sounds. In order for intimacy to arise between people, you need to experience a lot of touching and vulnerable states, but this is “not accepted”. Vulnerability for men is tantamount to weakness, which means "not a man." Women, on the other hand, do not understand what to do, because they did not have an example (almost all parents of our time pay too much attention to their work / survival, therefore such a trait as vulnerability interferes very much in this natural biological process and atrophies as it is unnecessary).

What are the main reasons why a person experiences loneliness?

Marina Petrova: The need for love and communication are the basic needs of any person. Without receiving them, the human psyche begins to send him signals that the functioning is impaired and this threatens his survival and it is time to get down to business. The loss of a loved one can also be the cause of loneliness.

When the contact is broken, a void appears, and until it is filled, the person will experience loneliness.

It seems that some people are born loners. Can loneliness become a comfortable state for a person?

Marina Petrova: We are all different and each of us chooses his life path. For one, loneliness is a painful existence filled with depression and a sense of inferiority, for another it is a calm, measured life “for oneself”, an opportunity to make a successful career or engage in creativity. Loneliness is different, not only negative emotions are associated with it, but also joy and pleasure. Many people are looking for it, tired of communication and deliberately reducing the number of their contacts with others. Many periods of a person's life are necessarily associated with loneliness, and experiences during a period of loneliness depend not so much on isolation, but on a person's attitude towards himself.

In solitude we have the opportunity to choose what to do and, in many cases, these activities are quite useful and varied.

There are different approaches to the psychology of loneliness, if you understand the causes of this depressing state, can it be eliminated forever or is it already an integral part of a person's personality?

Marina Petrova: Here I would like to talk more about human needs. A need is what I lack in order to survive. Only by filling all the needs, a person begins to feel "whole". Not receiving needs (food, safety, communication, respect, self-realization), a person, as it were, has lost something from his Self. And this is the task of the lost one to find his lost part. You can also attract other people to replenish, but still you need to understand that other people are not required to participate in the creation of our “I”, but can only be assistants to us.

Therefore, in a certain sense, loneliness is a kind of signal to a person that a part of his personality is suffering and needs to be replenished. This is if we take the negative aspect of experiencing this feeling. And if we take a positive one, then many people experience loneliness as a kind of springboard in order to rise to the fifth level of needs (the highest) - the need for self-expression.

What would you advise people who are tormented by a feeling of loneliness, abandonment, uselessness and detachment from the world?

Marina Petrova: Since we have moved away, we need to unite. Switch to other meaningful things, for example, find an interesting activity, passion, hobby, go headlong into work, or learn to build relationships with people in a new way, with intimacy and love, find new friends and a life partner.

Text: Victoria Ionichevskaya

lonely man

Lonely in Moscow? .

The concept of loneliness is ambiguous. For some it is torture, for others it is a test, for others it is rest. What is considered loneliness - to be alone for an hour, a day, a month or a year? Often, loneliness is a reaction to unexpected life changes, such as separation, divorce, moving. But, in fact, loneliness is also a vital state of a person, when the ability to be alone and find a foothold in oneself is a symbol of growing up, getting out of parental care and the ability to solve important problems in a timely manner.

In the event of unexpected changes in life, a person may feel like a victim of circumstances and endure loneliness very painfully, for example, with feelings of resentment, guilt, the search for punishment and redemption, and depression. But loneliness can also be perceived as a blessing: when no one bothers to engage in creativity, self-development, when there is an opportunity to take a break from the hustle and bustle, recuperate and calmly understand yourself and what is happening.

Psychoanalyst John Bowlby argued that the fear of loneliness is one of the most powerful fears in human life. You may think that this fear is stupid or immature, but there are good biological reasons behind it. Throughout human history, people have been able to weather crises and dangers most effectively with the help of their loved ones. Thus, the need for close ties and close relationships is inherent in human nature.

Some men and women cannot bear even temporary loneliness (an hour, a day). Being alone for a while, they feel anxious and immediately start looking for ways to get rid of loneliness, for example, calling acquaintances, looking for casual acquaintances, sharing their anxiety or aggression with others, and trying to escape from having to endure a short period of loneliness in every possible way. Perhaps it is these men and women who form the majority of visitors to dating sites. For such men and women, it is unbearable to feel alone, and this is more like a childish reaction: when the child, as if punished, was left at home alone, while the others went off to have fun. The child is hurt and offended that there is no one around, no one to talk to, play and chat with, there is no one who could brighten up his existence, entertain, pay attention, have fun.

A completely different situation with loneliness arises in the event of loss, loss, separation, or the end of one life stage and preparation for the next, a midlife crisis. In this case, a person for a long time (months, years) is left alone with his life, maybe he lives alone in an apartment. People say that "the walls begin to gnaw." The mitigation of loneliness and alleviation of experiences in the event of the loss of a loved one is the motivation for the formation of new social ties, as well as the search for new areas of one's activity, leisure, and self-development.

Loneliness caused by divorce or separation from a loved one can increase feelings of interpersonal inadequacy and feelings of self-doubt. Often a person begins to perceive himself as a loser in the sphere of personal relationships. Frightened by what is happening, for some time he eschews new acquaintances and avoids establishing close relationships with women and men, he himself runs away into loneliness. Loneliness becomes a temporary defense against perceived new pain or disappointment.

For some people, loneliness may be the result of their own life path and interpersonal relationships, rather than a recent loss or separation from a loved one. Indeed, there are a small number of people who are self-sufficient and do not strive for a serious relationship and the creation of a family. Bachelors and "hermits" easily and naturally endure loneliness, they cannot imagine another life - this is their way.

There are two types of loneliness:

As a rule, men and women experiencing situational loneliness, after thinking, discussing with friends and adjusting their communication patterns, after a while are ready to establish new relationships. They begin to look for new acquaintances and serious relationships. After all, this is a healthy desire of people to go through life together, to love and be loved, and it should be stronger than the fear of experiencing failure and the pain of parting. Men and women who experience situational loneliness will benefit most from their new-found confidence and help in establishing interpersonal relationships.

To get away from chronic loneliness, you will also need to become self-confident in order to be able to oppose your priorities and values ​​​​to social norms and expectations, often false and insincere. Chronically lonely people can benefit most from their condition by developing immunity to social anxieties and developing social communication and interaction skills.

How to get rid of loneliness? There are two main methods:

1. Psychological trainings of social skills - group work oriented
2. Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy - focused on individual work

Psychological social skills training typically uses elements such as modeling, role-playing, self-observation (including video methods) and homework. The training teaches how to:

• engage in dialogue and support telephone conversations
• give and receive compliments
• regulate periods of silence in communication
• highlight one's attractiveness
• use non-verbal communication
• establish contact and keep an optimal distance in communication

Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy includes a variety of cognitive techniques, among which the recognition of “automatic thoughts” is most often used. In individual psychotherapy, they are taught to detect their negative automatic thoughts, to establish a connection between thoughts, emotions and behavior; find facts “for” and “against” automatic thoughts; look for more realistic interpretations of events; identify and change negative beliefs.

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