» Victim complex

© Tatyana Bolotova

If an accident happened...
How to get rid of the victim complex

Fragment of the book Bolotova T.E. Stop whining! Take action! Moscow: Peter, 2013

The book of the famous St. Petersburg psychologist Tatyana Bolotova covers the entire spectrum of personal problems. Real stories and unique psychotechniques make it indispensable for any age. How to survive the betrayal of a loved one? How to get out of the circle of loneliness? How to get rid of the victim complex? How to protect a child from drug addiction? How to get your husband's attention back? How to recognize a good lover? How to decipher an obsessive dream? How to deal with a manipulative person? How to achieve the desired goal? This book will help you get useful, qualified answers to these (and many other) questions.

There are people who always have a bad time whenever you meet them. As if, apart from their misfortunes, they have nothing to boast of. Why is it that with someone in life all sorts of troubles constantly happen, and someone lives without even blowing his mustache? How to recognize the “victim complex” in yourself in time and build relationships with people around you.

Complaints about life

The mother of the family asked for psychological help: her 10-year-old daughter regularly pees in her pants. A normal, mentally developed girl without any medical "excuses" does this almost every day. Enuresis is also something unusual! Not at night, not during the day - the girl empties her bladder while walking home from school. So far, no one knows about her problem, diapers help out, but it’s clear that you can’t hide an awl in a bag. Everything secret will someday become clear, and then write wasted: an unpleasant nickname will stick to the girl. The problem was solved - they saved the mother from the daily washing of her daughter's underwear.

Along the way, they found out that her youngest son also had a psychosomatic disease - asthma. He is not allowed to go to kindergarten, so she is still at home, does not work in her specialty (she works part-time as a cleaner at a local club). And her husband drinks too! Every evening she wonders how he will return home today. In general, the problem on the problem and the problem drives ...

We begin to spin the film about her life in the opposite direction. It turns out that ten years ago she had a very happy family. For many years, she and her husband dreamed of a child, and finally the Lord had mercy - gave them a daughter. Happiness knew no bounds! Seven years later, a beloved son appeared in the family. This is where all the problems began: the baby's illness, the daughter's enuresis, the husband's drunkenness. As if each of them, with their illnesses, wants to deploy it only to themselves! The state of sacrifice is characteristic of our heroine...

There are people who, when you meet them, everything is always bad: relatives do not understand, they do not appreciate at work, there is not enough money, only troubles happen, they themselves only get sick, are treated, get sick again, etc. One gets the impression that that they have only one gray-black stripe in their lives, without any gaps. Call such a person, and he will begin to list what happened to him in a short time! I'm not glad I remembered him! And you think to yourself: “Does he really have more problems than me?”

View from the outside

As practice shows, the number of troubles and misfortunes that fall in life on the lot of one person is generally the same. On average, once every 5-7 years, something is sure to happen to each of us: we all slowly grow old, and so do our parents; children grow up and give in to less and less control on our part; mechanisms fail, etc., etc. (So if nothing happened to you or your loved ones during the previous 5 years, get ready, perhaps everything will happen at once.) Life is “merciful” to everyone! She did not give a child to someone, she took away the most precious thing from someone; someone was born disabled, and someone himself missed his chance to become someone, etc. Someone is now crying over the grave of his mother, and someone will never experience motherly love, because he grew up in an orphanage. As they say, everyone has their own skeleton in the closet.

Why is it that only people answer the question: “How are you?” they answer with a smile: “Everything is fine,” while others begin to list all their misfortunes? Moreover, it seems that both of them, in principle, do not commit any violence against their memory: good and bad memories pop up on their own ...

Some research shows that in whiners, because of some kind of biochemical failure, pleasant experiences do not remain in the memory for a long time. This happens, for example, in the case when the "hormone of joy" - serotonin - is produced by the body in insufficient quantities. And the point here is not temperament (melancholic, choleric, etc.). A person can be full of strength and energy, be active and persistent, and still complain about life for any reason. That is, he behaves like a complete hypochondriac - he feels good only when he feels bad.

There is a problem?

There is also a psychological point of view on this phenomenon. Let's take two small children as an example. Due to circumstances or because of their nature, parents do not pay enough attention to one of them - they are constantly busy with some of their adult affairs. And then the child notices that if he is calm, cheerful or busy with something, no one cares about him. But... as soon as he starts crying, everyone immediately runs to him! Parents do not encourage another child to such tearful behavior, they bring him up in a somewhat “Spartan” spirit: “Fell, got up on his own, went on ...”. But they are attentive to him when he tells them something funny and interesting about his life. Which of these kids do you think is more likely to become a whiner?

In addition, the role of the "unfortunate" brings a bunch of psychological benefits to its owner. Firstly, more public attention is always paid to him than to the same "lucky one", and secondly, someone can even "peck" on his problems and try to solve them instead of him (by the way, there will be countless attempts - who will refuse the "freebie"). But this is all - the minimum program.

Ultimately, a person is left alone - without friends and without people who want to listen to his constant complaints about life, because in nature there is such a phenomenon as "psychological induction". Simply put, when one person in a conversation mentions something “bad” (illness, unpleasant incidents, etc.), the other - his interlocutor - immediately associatively recalls something similar from his life. For example, what comes to your mind when someone says, “I had a toothache yesterday”? Most likely, some thought about your own teeth, isn't it? It turns out that when your friend begins to list his troubles, you involuntarily remember your own problems too. Who will have the same good mood after that?! Naturally, next time you will already intuitively avoid such a “provocateur of misfortunes”.

By the way, this method of psychological induction is often used in their practice by various types of manipulators. They know how to arouse in another person the mood they need, a certain way of thinking, a desire to have a conversation on an appropriate topic.

If you want a man to talk to you about his brother, tell him about yours first.
M. G. Erickson

Everyone has enough problems. It's just that most people prefer not to talk about them in vain: the day and hour will come - and they will solve their problem themselves. It's time for the whiners to act!

We explain why and how...

Clue

If you do not want to be left all alone, start small - watch your speech. Elementary stop yourself (or allow your friends and relatives to do it) when you want to complain to someone about life once again. Moreover, when meeting with your acquaintance, start telling him some funny episode from your life (case, anecdote, etc.). Keep quiet about the rest! Thus, you will gain a new experience of communicating with other people. You will learn what it is like to see friends “inspired” by you, to hear in response to your unexpected arrival: “It’s good that you came to me!”, to feel that the world needs you, that you are remembered everywhere, loved and expected, because know that you bring only joy and light with you.

And finally - a famous parable. One Eastern ruler had a dream that all his teeth fell out. Then he called two of his astrologers to him and asked them to explain what this meant ... One soothsayer interpreted his dream in this way: “O my lord! Big trouble awaits you! You will bury all your relatives and relatives, one by one…” Vladyka was annoyed by this news, and he ordered the execution of such a predictor of misfortunes… Then another astrologer, taking into account his experience, told him about the same thing, only in other words: “ Oh lord, I have good news for you! You will live so long that you will outlive all your near and dear ones.” The Lord was pleased. The predictor received an award for such an interpretation of sleep.

Exactly the same in life! It is not the fate of a person that is important, the main thing is his idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhere. As humorists joke, the pessimist believes that things are rubbish and will get even worse; the optimist, on the other hand, believes that the matter is so rubbish that it cannot get any worse. And by a strange coincidence, for some reason, an optimist attracts luck more often than others. As they say, a horse of luck can ride past everyone, but not everyone is ready to jump on her back.

Or maybe it's just more pleasant for people to deal with an optimist? The choice is yours!

Betrayed by a friend

Two friends ran a network business - they distributed cosmetics among their friends. At first everything was fine. The first parties, the first own chains, the first real money... Soon the first problems began. And not only money (the exchange rate of the ruble has changed, a consignment of goods has disappeared, someone refused to redeem the promised order, etc.).

The main problem was that with their commodity-money relations they littered the most precious thing they had - human communication. Indeed, in the distribution network, the movement of goods occurs through the channels of interpersonal relations. At first, a person becomes a distributor just like that - out of boredom, for the sake of interest, in order to earn money for an extra sandwich with caviar ... In the end, the idea of ​​sales captures him completely. Moreover, everything is provided for this in the system itself - courses, bonuses, entertainment corporate events. So our ladies, after a couple of months, could not talk or think about anything but selling their products. Any conversation that began, they deliberately translated into a topic that was significant to them - self-care with the help of their newfangled cosmetic line. Friends, and those began to be afraid to invite them to the house: they knew that they would definitely impose a catalog on them. And this means - a new waste of money and a dirty feeling that someone just used someone blindly.

In the end, the crack lay between the friends. One did not forgive the other for a $40 shortfall. It would seem, what a trifle! And it was enough that their friendship was interrupted for many years.

There is an opinion that such a phenomenon as female friendship simply does not exist in nature. She is too short-lived and changeable! Like a light bulb in an emergency house: it also constantly blinks from a change in voltage until it goes out completely (apparently from too much heat). Only women have such a thing as a “heartfelt friend”, men don’t even have such a definition - “heartfelt friend” (from such friendship it immediately blows some other weakness).

View from the outside

What is the basis of female friendship? As a rule, a mutual outpouring of accumulated problems to each other. A typical female conversation in such a situation: “What did he say?” - "No, you think what I went through!" etc. Girlfriends share their secrets, tell without hiding about the most painful, suffering, tormenting each of them. They talk excitedly, interrupting each other, getting more and more excited by the topic under discussion ... Complete mutual understanding! Physicists would call this phenomenon "induction"...

Psychologists would warn about setting an "anchor" in the subconscious of both women. What does it mean? The fact that the interlocutors develop a specific reflex to a certain topic of conversation, to the appropriate mood, to the surroundings of the conversation (coffee, cigarettes, postures, etc.). That is why, if one of them suddenly changes for the better, the old friend “accidentally” turns out to be out of place. The fact is that with the familiar atmosphere of gatherings, the topic of conversation and even intonations, one or the other involuntarily returns the current lucky woman to the old days, “when it was so bad that you don’t even want to remember.” Simply put, the performance has changed - it's time to change the scenery.

For men, things are somewhat different. Unlike the fleeting female friendship, which is more tied to love likes and dislikes, male friendship can last for years and even decades. If only because the "stronger sex" is generally brought up differently. Paradoxically, a man is more worried that he does not have a single friend than because he does not have a single girlfriend (or, for example, that he is not married at all). And besides, their interpersonal communication is of a completely different kind: as a rule, it is not of such a bright emotional intensity as that of the other half of humanity. Male friendship is usually based on spending time together, common interests and even political views (you must admit that values ​​of this kind are more stable over time). Communication between men consists more of generalized conversations about politics, work, sports, hobbies, etc. They do not converge so quickly and do not “intertwine” with each other so closely with their “sores”.

In extreme cases, in order to solve a specific problem (discord in the family, dismissal from work, illness of someone close), they state a certain fact and make a request, nothing more ...

There is a problem?

Sometimes we mistakenly take for friendship an ordinary community of interests with another person: territorial (hostel, communal apartment, etc.), professional (one place of work, study, etc.), leisure (single company, disco, etc.). ). New circumstances arise - and the connection ends. And it also happens like this: one person considers himself a friend of another, and the other refers him only to the circle of his friends. Or one is only interested in another person's position, position, money, connections, etc., that is, only what this person owns at the present moment in time, but not the person himself as a person. In such cases, of course, disappointment in the "friend" is inevitable. Some call it betrayal. Or maybe it was just not friendship? After all, she can do without evidence for a long time. Moreover, hypocrisy in friendship is generally not uncommon (in love, such a trick will not work: there are not enough words alone, you also need to act). In true friendship initially there is mutual interest. Only such friendship can stand the test of strength both in time and place, and in a tangle of twisted intrigues! Through separation, through the pain of misunderstanding, friends find each other again, as if there were no past years ... "Traitor" was just a temporary companion on someone's life path. Gone? And thank God! As they say, you should not go on a long journey with a lame mare.

Most likely, the true reason why this or that person "betrayed" another, the victim of someone else's treachery will never know. And why? Any act, as a rule, has several motives, and everyone also has their own truth. As a specialist in other people's secrets, I can say one thing: "Sometimes it's such a trifle that you can only wonder!" For example, one friend divulged a secret to another only because her husband somehow in bed accidentally mentioned the name of the latter out of place. In general, women often break friendships due to various kinds of love misunderstandings (relationships with a beloved man are sometimes an order of magnitude higher for them than all their friends put together).

But the most interesting thing happens later... After some time, a person who has committed an unseemly act (and who himself knows about it), ultimately justifies his meanness! Psychological defense mechanisms work. It can also be a sincere denial of the act, for example: “Stupidity, I didn’t do it!” Someone simply projects their actions and intentions onto another person (“Do you know how he treated me?”) Or rationalizes his own actions (“I did it because she deserved it”), etc. Someone then in general he denies everything, acting according to the principle of reactivity: "Everything was completely different." Believe me, no one wants to be a Judas! Living with a guilt complex is a heavy, and for some, an unbearable burden. It's easier to throw mud at someone else! Which is what everyone usually does.

You can commit meanness, if you already went for it, but it’s completely vile to regret it later.
S. Maugham

Of course, it is not easy to forget the person who betrayed you. The wound whines and makes itself felt every time someone casually mentions his name. But not everything is so hopeless...

Clue

First you need to change the image of the betrayer with the help of psychotechnics. Options are possible! Choose whichever you like best.

For example, imagine the name of a former friend, lover, written in chalk on a blackboard. There is a wet rag nearby... Tell yourself: "When I'm ready, I'll take a rag and wash this board clean, clean..." You can imagine the name of a person you hate written on a piece of paper. You used the paper for its intended purpose, and you no longer need it. Where should it be thrown? That's where it mentally (or in reality) and throw it away.

Or you can create this image: fragments of your favorite (or not so) cup are lying on the floor, one of them is engraved with the name of your former friend. Of course, it's a pity that this cup broke ... But, on the other hand, you must admit that if you really, really valued it, it would not have broken: you would just have caught it on the fly. And now its place in the trash can. What can you do? Cups tend to break...

Interestingly, for what amount would you agree not to meet with this or that person anymore? Probably, even for $500 they would have agreed to interrupt an acquaintance that was not very necessary (“It’s neither cold nor hot for me from him”). They would not part with a close, beloved person, go, for any money (“How will I live without him?”). And for someone, perhaps, they themselves would have paid a little extra (“Just never see her (him) again!”). This is the measure of human relations! As they say, money is not people, it will not be superfluous.

Distribution of elephants

One of my acquaintances, a "big kid", got a couple of thousand dollars because of one multi-level marketing. And it was like that. He got a call from a childhood friend, bragging about how well he now lives thanks to one company (he bought a refrigerator, is going on a trip soon, etc.). He did not explain the details - he simply invited him with him to the next presentation of their "business plan". Our victim remembers the meeting itself with difficulty, although at first there was no alcohol at all ... He remembers checks, remembers cheerful presenters, applause and a complete feeling of some kind of universal love. In general, the euphoria of joy and happiness lasted about 5 hours, after which they signed the relevant papers in their right mind and sober memory. And the next day, the required amount was given ...

Knowing this person, so prudent and thoughtful, one has only to be surprised at the professionalism of scammers. However, I will note one point: our “hero” lost a very definite amount - the one that he had long wanted to spend on a subconscious level. He had this money of “easy origin” (and what we get easily is just as easily spent). He also consoled himself quickly enough: “I must have bought them off from something more terrible!” Here's the smart one! But why did he fall into the trap of scammers? After all, in his opinion, he knew everything about them.

View from the outside

According to criminologists, the behavior of a scammer is not diverse. The whole algorithm of its action is visible at a glance ...

The first step is to stop the client, preferably not in a hurry, tuned in to receive new information from the outside. Various tricks are used: “Let me smoke” (at the gypsies), “Please press the button” (at the hawkers in the market), “Let me give you perfume” (at the distributors on the street). There is only one task - to knock down the habitual train of thought of a person, to make sure that he no longer thinks about his own, and has not yet had time to think about something else. A sort of pause in associative-logical thinking...

The second step is to get close enough to the chosen “loha”, invade his intimate zone (20-30 cm) and force him to complete the first someone else's assignment. Read from him - by eye movement, facial expressions, body position - the information necessary for the manipulator, adjust to his psychotype - and that's it, a fish on the hook! Then everything goes according to the scenario: “setup”, “loving another”, “freebie, pliz”, etc.

The last stage is an overload of the "biocomputer" of the client. The speech of a fraudster, as a rule, is like a stream that flows around all obstacles: affectionate, rhythmic, it sounds almost without pauses. The consciousness of the victim goes off scale from such an abundance of unprocessed information, it can be said to freeze, which was what was required to be achieved. As they say, the client has matured, "and do with him what you want" ...

There is a problem?

There is such a science - victimology. It is she who studies, analyzes, sorts out the behavior of the injured party, including in various criminal situations. After all, any violence against a person (physical, moral, mental) is possible only if there are two of its halves - the victim and her villain.

As practice shows, there are three categories of people - victims of different circumstances. The first is those who have a bad attitude towards themselves as individuals, therefore they allow the same to be done with themselves and other people. Perhaps such a person in childhood was not the most beloved child in the family or lived in marginal (neither here nor there) conditions. In principle, this psychological niche of the “outcast of society” is familiar to him from an early age, and he simply does not look for another for himself (there are no communication skills in opposite situations). It is he who is friends with a traitor, loves a scoundrel and goes to a company that will surely be rejected ... He is better off being a universal scapegoat than nobody in the emptiness of his loneliness! From such people the future legion of "victims of violence", "unfortunate wives" and "lowered boys" is formed.

The second category is the so-called savior of humanity. That is, a person who constantly in his life saves someone, reconciles, separates, takes responsibility for others. He cares about everything - from fighting cats on the stairs to a quarrel in the next compartment. Naturally, with such an abundance of provocative situations, the probability of suffering for nothing for him approaches almost one. It is he who, as a rule, is the first to be in the “jailhouse”, the emergency room and the list for dismissal. Usually this type of behavior is observed in people who are older by birth (older brother or sister), accustomed from childhood by their parents to “increased obligations”, to an all-consuming sense of responsibility for our smaller brothers, etc.

And the last variety is "the person is the favorite of the public." It seems that the hero of the story told above belongs to this uncomplicated category ... He is so confident in himself and his “goodness” that he simply begins to underestimate the very likelihood of a bad attitude towards himself according to the principle: “Nothing can happen to me, because everything love!" This attitude, most likely, was instilled in him from childhood by a strong and protective environment. Since then, he has been going through life like this, not looking back, not noticing all the nuances of human existence. As one scammer said in a similar situation, “it’s just a sin not to withdraw money from such a goose!”

Trouble never comes unexpectedly, it is predetermined; here happiness is a matter of pure chance.
F. Dürrenmatt

What to do in such situations? Are there any tricks to counter the enemy? Exist…

Clue

Looking at the next benefactor of your life, remember that:

1) a “well-wisher” needs your kindness for some reason;

2) a swindler, in order to charm the victim, always falls a little in love with her;

3) “eyes are the mirror of the soul”, including yours, so look better at the shoes of the scoundrel;

4) kinesthetic information (touch, smell, taste) is the most uncontrollable by our consciousness.

And most importantly, don't be so sure of other people! And in its perfection - too... Humanity is developing, and along with it, our knowledge of how to better manage it is also improving. So if you suddenly have to pass by the free distribution of elephants - better go!

And if an unpleasant gift of fate (theft, accident, injury) has already fallen on your head, think: “What decision is this situation pushing me to?” For example, an ordinary broken leg may be a sign that a person is literally going the wrong way in his life, but a cut with a kitchen knife - that he should not trust someone so thoughtlessly. The solution lies on the surface, you just need to see it ...

My tongue is my enemy

An example from life. I once met a young woman on a train. We started talking... A couple of hours later I found out that two years ago her husband and three-month-old daughter had died. The fellow traveler told about this herself, no one pulled her tongue (as it turned out later, I was the first person with whom she wanted - and was able - to talk about this topic). The tragedy, of course, is terrible, but then something else struck me. To my natural question: “How did this all happen?” - she answered in some impassive voice: "They shot at the square when the husband and daughter were walking." Wow they shot! As if this misfortune happened not to her and not to her close, native people! And so, in some action movie, mafia groups staged their showdown, shot a little and fled in different directions.

If we analyze the phrase said by chance, everything will become clear: the chosen frivolous word “shot” involuntarily reflected the internal state of this woman. She could live in the present tense only by perceiving the fact that happened as some kind of cinematic event with unreal characters. So I thought: “It was not with me! In some other life. Just a dream, an obsession!” She did not turn to anyone for psychological help, and she lived, closing her past with seven bolts. She gave the impression of a seemingly happy and even very successful woman. For some reason, I just didn’t want to have more children - never.

Another case. A young woman entered the treatment room on business. She asked: “When will we give an injection?” The nurse replied, "I've already given 10 shots." Without understanding anything, the patient looks for empty vials with her eyes. He doesn't see them anywhere. The nurse continues to chirp: “I already put it out ... I put it out!” Finally, they understood each other. It turns out that in the language of doctors, the word "put up" is similar to the word "done." That is, all this time a professional explained in simple human language: “I have already given you 10 injections. Put!" But the woman’s hearing was still cut off by the word “did.” Why? Because they put someone or something out the door, for ridicule, out.

Expose casually, defiantly, unceremoniously - like a thing. If you decipher the message of the nurse, it turns out: “There is me, there is my hand, there is a syringe, and everything else does not matter to me.” A sort of process of alienating her fate from other people's asses.

About the wisdom of human speech - our special conversation.

View from the outside

As a rule, our thinking is logically rather formalized. That is, we are aware of what is happening around us (and the images that arise inside us) with the help of certain symbols. The images necessary for our understanding can be indicated verbally (we pronounce the words aloud or to ourselves), with the help of fingers (for deaf-mute people), touches (for example, for deaf-blind people). We think in conventional symbols: we see an animal running ahead - we designate it with the term "dog"; we feel some kind of internal discomfort - we say “Cold!”; we are worried because of some trifle - we do not calm down until we understand what it is - fear or conscience.

Moreover, studies show that if there is no word in any language, then people of this nationality do not even know what it is. For example, the Earth's magnetic field has always existed, but only recently we have a good understanding of what a magnetic storm is. It is no coincidence that in all religious and mystical teachings the name of the Almighty is hidden from human knowledge: “This mystery is great.” It is believed that any designation of something unknowable by any specific word only detracts from the strength and power of the latter.

Involuntarily, an anecdote in the topic comes to mind. The foreign delegation comes with a tour of the plant. Suddenly he sees - the master is arguing with the worker. Foreigners are asked to translate the worker's response to the boss. The translator, confused, finally says: “The worker explains to the master that if he comes up to him again, then he, the worker, will enter into intimate relations with the part, and with the cutter, and with the whole plant as a whole.

There is a problem?

To be honest, I'm always surprised when someone wants to have an intimate relationship with someone's mother (without even seeing her). But I am more indignant at the fact that we allow the mother of a person, our own and other people's genitals, to be considered something bad, quite worthy of abusive expressions. There is no such thing in any other language of the world! Now a lot of literature is being published on this topic: dictionaries, philological studies that explain this phenomenon of our language; works of art with so-called profanity, etc. Life is life! What would a normal person say if a brick fell on his foot? And everything would be fine, but one thing is a pity ... Thus, from childhood, from birth, one might say, on a subconscious level, we get used to the fact that everything connected with a person’s sexual life, with his intimate relationships, is bad.

Maybe this is where the origins of our female enslavement, puritanism, and fear of being sexy come from? In group classes, I was always struck by this fact: when asked to list the qualities of an ideal woman, our women wrote anything: “skillful hostess”, “beautiful”, “charming”, “loving children”, etc. But none of them never wrote - "good lover"! How can our Russian woman put such a low quality into her ideal image? In this regard, I would like to remind those who do not know that our speech not only reflects our self-consciousness, but also forms our attitude, the structure of our physical "I".

A person's thinking can change some sensations.
R. Bandler

The conclusion suggests itself: you need to be thoughtful about what you say. No wonder they say: "My tongue is my enemy."

How can we make our speech become our friend?

Clue

Psychologists know that bad words can even harm your own health. Therefore, in your speech, you need to be very careful to use different phraseological units such as “I hit my head against the wall”, “my hands itch”, “I just can’t digest it”, etc. The fact is that our body does not understand pretend talk: it incomprehensible phrases with double meanings. Therefore, the frequent use of the word “irritate” can lead to an increase in the acidity of the gastrointestinal tract, and the phrase “my heart is out of place” can ultimately cause real heart pain. He said once, said twice - he undermined his own health!

For the same reasons, experts in neurolinguistic programming advise using procedural words (verbs of an imperfect form) in case of a person’s illness, and not definitions-statuses (as something motionless, fallen on a person from somewhere outside, and therefore difficult to treat). In their opinion, it is better to say: “I am hypertensive” (rather than “I have hypertension”), “My head hurts” (rather than “I just had a headache!”) And, of course, “I am recovering!” (even if it seems to you that your disease is still in the same place).

And wish everyone everywhere health, happiness, prosperity! And do not croak, leaving: "Look not ..." A bad word - it is bad! Nothing good comes from him.

Victim Complex

Once I saw such a scene. A girl of 8–9 years old fled on a bicycle from a group of peers. The kids still got her. Then events unfolded like this…

The girl got off the bike, put her head on her shoulders and, with the humility of the condemned, began to wait for the inevitable. The company was confused: the children had one goal - to catch up with her, and they did not know what to do with her next. They started pinching the girl. She did not resist, only silently tried to dodge the tenacious little hands. Then they started pushing her, pulling her hair. The victim of childhood cruelty covered her face with her hands and began to tearfully ask everyone: “No, please! Please…” In the end, the offenders got tired of all this, and then one of them, the most impudent one, approached her and took off her panties. In front of all the kids! And as she stood, she continued to stand, only straightened her dress ...

That is, the person did nothing to stop bullying himself. The girl did not pick up a stone, a stick, she did not even call anyone for help. I myself went up to them and dispersed their company. How she will continue to live with such a shame - I do not know. But I think this case of violence in her life will not be the only one.

View from the outside

There is a type of people who, by their very behavior, provoke others to mistreat them (in particular, to use force against them to reinforce the spoken word). After all, at least two participants are involved in any interpersonal contact, and the distribution of roles occurs according to established rules. If one of the parties begins to pretend to be a victim, then the opposite has no choice but to become a "villain". It happens that only one sight of a person asking humbly: “Don’t hit me, please!” awakens the thought of a blow, and the phrase “Are you going to do anything to me?” encourages you to do something like that. As they say, the bleating of a sheep only excites the tiger.

But the villain himself is not as simple as it seems at first glance! Listening to the rapist, each time you are convinced that he, too, was once a victim for someone (for example, for his father, teenagers in the yard, etc.). The "former slave" remembers this incident... A man on his knees involuntarily awakens this memory of the past in his subconscious. In his appearance, our "hero" recognizes, as it were, himself, the same outcast and dependent, fallen in the eyes of another person. And of course he wants revenge! In other words, at such a moment a person beats not a specific given "victim" for some of her sins - he kicks, first of all, himself from his past. For a while, he wants to be what he once was not. No wonder they say: "There is no worse boss than a former slave."

How are the roles distributed in stages in this neurotic duel called “cops and thieves”? First, one takes a step towards the other, he retreats ... Inspired by the weakness of the apostate, the strongest continues his onslaught - the victim turns his back on him and starts running. “Aha,” the first one understands, “they are afraid of me! They're running, which means they have to catch up... Praying for mercy? Moreover, my prey is worth it to be treated badly! Fulfills my first order, the second - it means that there will be no resistance at all. She's all chained up with fear!" Further events develop according to the already worked out scenario.

There is a problem?

Experts advise to behave differently in such situations. For example, if someone is chasing you on the street. First, stop and look around for a safe place (the area under the lamp, a lighted shop window, etc.). Because the running man is very vulnerable to his opponent! You can push him, trip him, throw a stone in his back. Not to mention the fact that, out of fear, he himself can run to the wrong place.

Secondly, take some object in your hand for protection (stick, stone, sand to throw it into the eyes of the attacker, etc.). An ordinary pen, pencil, umbrella can become a rather painful weapon with a bayonet strike at the enemy's weak points (face, ears, groin, etc.).

And thirdly, to send a signal of danger to unsuspecting civilians. For example, knock on the window of the nearest store with a key, throw a stone at the window of a neighboring house, jump on the hood of a nearby car (an alarm will go off). You can set fire to the grass, your own scarf, use an ordinary whistle, etc. Some villains were stopped by a simple, hysterical screech of the victim, such as: “Don’t come near, I’ll open my veins!”, “I hate it, I’ll throw myself out the window!” - and further in the text.

People are always afraid of what they don't understand.
M. Curie

Of course, the victim complex is not a gift. We need to get rid of it immediately!

Clue

Start simple - with self-defense classes. They are a good help for those who want to stop being a victim. By the way, they often save women from other accumulated problems. The main thing is to take the first step towards your healing.

One of the Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) techniques, the so-called anchor of confidence and calmness, will help in this. Remember a situation in your life in which you showed yourself to be “well done” (for example, you successfully passed some extremely difficult exam). Do you see yourself inside this image? If not, then that's bad. Try to fit inside your picture - see with your own eyes that situation the way you saw it then, in reality. If you do everything right, you will once again experience pride in yourself, and after it comes confidence in your strengths, knowledge, and skills. As soon as this happens - take yourself by the earlobe. "Anchor" on the successful development of events set! Now, in any seemingly insoluble situation for you, this one gesture will be enough for you to have a firm confidence in your abilities.

And the last step. Letting go of yesterday. Human relations specialist Louise Hay advises, for example, to knock out old grievances with an ordinary dust stick. Take something soft (an old coat, a pillow, a “dumka” from the sofa) and beat on it with all your might, shouting various offensive words to the point of complete exhaustion ... The personality of the “frog princess” is very liberating! It also relieves throat and other bodily clamps (which are known to contribute to the development of cancer).

You can arrange a real funeral for your last year's grievances. To do this, take and put in a box a note listing everything that you remember, but it would be better to forget it altogether (a paradox, but you will be surprised when you see how few there really are). Tear them all into small pieces and burn them in some secluded place. Flush the ashes down the toilet. This psychological technique will help you live in a new way. What was required to achieve...

Irreparable loss

In some ways, life is like a minefield: you go and you don’t know when you will blow yourself up, while others are blown up. And over the years, there are more and more such funnels: a classmate died stupidly in a boyish way, a chauffeur's carelessness ruined a childhood friend, a colleague, to whom he was already used to, suddenly died, etc.

Sometimes in life there are such unthinkable situations that you can’t even believe it. This is not something that does not happen, but simply cannot be. As, for example, in the following real story. They lived together for over ten years. There was no family happiness as such. The fact is that he married his betrothed-mummer not out of great love: for this she had to first become pregnant, and then give birth to his son. Of course, after marriage, she took revenge on him for running after him like a dog before marriage. In general, things did not go well: on a scratched sheet of fate, it was not possible to write a new good story. They broke up. Some time later, she was found drowned in the bathtub. He immediately flew to her funeral. On the day of his arrival, when he was crossing the road, thinking about something, he was hit by a car. To death. In the morgue they lay side by side. Everyone agreed: “I took it!”

Or maybe he really couldn't live without her? He was afraid to admit to himself how much he still loved her. In this case, their death exactly equalized.

It would seem that what can console in such sorrowful minutes, days, months? After all, the closest and dearest person did not become. Maybe only one thing: the understanding that it could not be otherwise. What happened, one way or another, was bound to happen. The circle is closed. As in the next story - this time quite typical.

The couple have been married for almost 20 years. She is the backbone of the family, the main earner of money and all sorts of benefits. She solved all the problems of her inner circle herself, saying: "I am both a woman and a man." He was, as they say, a free addition to her optimism in life, a shadow of Hamlet's father, the object of her own ridicule: “And mine, mine ... here you have done it ...”, etc. And suddenly he dies. Suddenly. From a heart attack. As they say, at once ... Only her amazement caused mute surprise: “Why did this happen to him?”

View from the outside

And how could it be otherwise? After all, her husband - on a subconscious level - had not lived for a long time, existed - and nothing more. Moreover, he killed himself every day - drop by drop - with nightly drinking, some kind of furious smoking (as if to spite the enemy). Even if it were not for this “accidental” death, in the coming years something would have happened to him anyway - an accident, alcohol intoxication, inoperable cancer, etc. He would not know for a long time what he was living for. If you had asked him this question earlier, you would probably have thoughtfully shrugged your shoulders.

That is, we are talking about a certain life program that is inherent in each of us at the genetic level. In accordance with this theory, a person usually leaves for another world (or is taken away) at the point of development from which his personal decline began. The outcome is accelerated by the feeling of a protracted psychological impasse, the aimlessness of the cycle of life. Some especially gifted people, with developed intuitive thinking, even foresee their death: “Goodbye”, “When I leave ...”, etc. Those who survived are only amazed by the gloomy accuracy of their predictions.

There is a problem?

According to the Austrian philosopher and psychologist Viktor Frankl, a life without meaning is transformed into either a destructive desire for power or a self-destructive desire for pleasure. We can fully observe both on the screens of our TV and in real life.

Sometimes fate is kind to us. As, for example, in the following cautionary tale. Mother and daughter never got along with each other. It seemed to her daughter that her mother had enough time for everything: for work, for her beloved husband, for theaters and cinema - but not for her own daughter. The mother did not understand the childish egocentrism of her daughter, the blind jealousy of her way of life, the inability to live in the interests of other people. In general, they were worthy of each other - two inverted images, as on a playing card.

And it so happened that the eldest of them fell seriously ill and turned out to be of no use to anyone except her daughter. By the way, practice shows that it is their “unloved” children who often take care of disabled parents: some circumstances “happen” to beloved and caressed brothers and sisters all the time. Thus, the daughter was given the opportunity to "fall in love" to her heart's content (of course, to the best of her ability to be a tender and loving daughter because of her "cold" childhood). And here's what's interesting: as soon as the daughter realized the absurdity of her childhood grievances, realized that no one lives for the pleasure of another, her mother died. It seems as if they both had a special time set aside for reconciliation with each other.

When the gods want to punish us, they fulfill our prayers.
O. Wilde

Unfortunately, this opportunity for redemption is not available to everyone. It often happens that people do not have time to say the last "I'm sorry" to each other. And this turns out to be the heaviest burden of being ... What to do in such situations? There is a way out, and many people use it. Without realizing it...

Clue

In order to remove the stone from the soul, it is necessary to say goodbye aloud to the departed person. Many people do just that: they come to the cemetery and talk aloud with their “loss” (as long as there is something to say). Some people find it easier...

In psychology, this phenomenon is called "complete the gestalt." It is known that non-integral images do not settle to the bottom of our memory: they constantly disturb our consciousness according to the principle “something is wrong here”. Therefore, in the event of an unexpected loss of a loved one, it is necessary, at least on an illusory level, to complete the psycho-emotional relationship broken off with him. If it is not possible to visit his grave, you can talk aloud with his photograph, with some thing dear to him. Someone manages to constantly maintain an invisible connection with the departed person, they say so directly: “It always seems to me that he is here, nearby, and I talk to him as if he were alive.”

What other advice can you give to a bereaved person? To preserve mental health, it is better not to display photographs of the deceased in a conspicuous place. A person who has left us should be remembered spontaneously, on occasion: on memorable dates, in connection with some event, etc. You should not force your mind daily with thoughts of death! Especially such "tantric thinking" (breath of death) is detrimental to the unstable child's psyche. Bioenergetics are generally advised to keep away letters, photographs, things of terminally ill people because of their negative informational biofield.

When should you sound the alarm? When the psycho-emotional crisis drags on for more than six months. You need to be able to “let go” of your property ... After all, the longer we mourn a person who has left us, the more he will be, as it were, in a “suspended state”, like a balloon caught on wires, that is, not here and not there. It is difficult for his soul to start fulfilling its other program, as it was supposed to be from above. There were times when a person came to someone in a dream and asked: “Let go!” As they say, we cannot choose how and when we die. We can only decide how we live.

© Bolotova T.E. Stop whining! Take action! Moscow: Peter, 2013
© Published with the kind permission of the publisher

A person is made unhappy or happy only
his thoughts, not external circumstances. driving
with his thoughts, he governs his happiness.

Friedrich Nietzsche

The consciousness of the victim destroys the soul and life of a person. Being in a state of sacrifice, a person moves away from the possibility of being happy. He lets resentment, anger and fear rule his life.

Today you will know how to get out of being a victim and fill your life with love and joy, where there is no place for complaints, regrets, anger and condemnation.

Bonus for readers:

Thank people for pressing on your pain points and forcing you to move towards a better life. And take action to change your life.

2. Take responsibility for your life and make your own decisions

Realize that only you are responsible for your life and happiness. In any situation that happened to you, the responsibility lies with you. It was you who allowed the situation to develop in this way.

Don't count on someone to come and help you out of difficult circumstances. That someone will offer you a solution, and you will accept help with advice and do nothing.

Every time you find yourself in trouble, ask yourself the question: What exactly did I do to resolve and get out of this situation?

3. Stop getting other people's attention with whining and self-pity.

Find another way if you need that kind of attention. Make it so that people, paying attention to you, admire, not regret.

Telling the situation, don't complain, just share information. Learn to express your feelings, not complain: “I’m hurt, I’m angry,” instead of “I did so much for them, but they ...”

A well-being can also be shared, told and infect others with a good mood.

Be the virus of happiness. It is much more useful and pleasant for yourself and for those around you.

4. Learn to find the wisdom of the situation

The trouble has already happened. You have two options: either fall victim, or find something positive for yourself even in the worst situation.

The most difficult circumstances can turn into something good for you. Look for the positive in difficult situations.

Remember, everything that happened to you is appropriate and carries a deep meaning. Try to catch it.

Ask a higher power to show the wisdom of the situation if you cannot understand on your own.

Ask yourself leading questions that will help you find a way out of this situation:

• Why do I have this problem?
• In what direction to move?
• What steps to take to get closer to the desired result?

Learn how to find pearls of wisdom in situations.

5. Live in the Here and Now

Don't live in the past or the future. Looking into the future, you miss something important for yourself in the present, as you live in fantasies and illusions.

And stuck in the past, you take on the burden of old events, which prevents you from moving forward quickly and easily.

It's like a suitcase without a handle, which is heavy and inconvenient to carry, but you can't decide to throw it away.

In order to make the right decision and move on, you need to be in an even state, in the here and now.

6. Believe in yourself and your strengths

Everything that happens to you does not depend on external circumstances, it is a reflection of your internal state. Start loving yourself and appreciate the experiences you have gained.

No one can handle your problems better than you.

7. Stop beating yourself up

Switch your attention to something else. Thinking and going in circles in thoughts does not solve the problem, but only plunges you more into the state of the victim.

Do not waste your energy on hanging in negative thoughts, it is better to direct your energy to solving the situation.

Think of something nice for you. This will help you get out of a painful state and fill you with energy.

Catch the moments where and who you complain about during the month. Watch and stop impulses to feel sorry for yourself.

Having done it once, you will understand and remember the process itself - how to get out of the state of the victim. And by repeating it more than once, you can easily learn how to switch.

As a result, you will generally stop hanging out in a state of self-pity.

Caught yourself in such a state - analyzed - caught the essence - got the wisdom shown by this situation for you - smiled and went on to enjoy life further.

What to do if a loved one is in the role of a victim. How to deal with victims

It is easy to see in the surrounding people that a person plays the role of a sufferer. It is more difficult to help a loved one get out of this game.

Being close to the victim is difficult, often unbearable and painful. But until the person himself wishes to get out of this state, it is difficult to help him from the outside.

Do not discount the feelings of loved ones

Personal story, in which she shares her experience, how to get a loved one out of a painful state and at the same time not fall into pity herself.

“After the financial crisis, my husband was depressed for several years. I tried not to interfere, I only strengthened myself in order to oppose something to his blues. What helped me?

1. He liked to repeat that in two months (two years, two centuries) we would have nothing to eat and in general we would all die. Then I became stronger in how useful it is to live here and now.

At some point, I stopped being led by this and turned on in response, but simply answered that now we have a full refrigerator, and we will think about “later” later.

1. I compiled a questionnaire based on the book “Radical Forgiveness” by Colin Tipping, where I analyzed this situation from my side and tried to forgive and let it go.
2. I gave him certificates for a good massage, because in men the body suffers a lot, but they themselves do not always feel it.
3. When he began to let go a little (and this coincided with the 12th anniversary of our acquaintance), I bought a photo frame for three photos.

In two I inserted his photographs, where he smiles, and in the third I wrote, for which I am grateful to him and that I am very glad that we are going through life together and overcoming difficulties.

She suggested leaving all the problems in the old cycle and entering the new one with a clean slate.

That is, she voiced her desires of the Universe and introduced her husband to them :)))) Now this triptych is hanging in our bedroom.

And most importantly, I learned from my example that do not underestimate the feelings of a person and say: “Come on, nonsense, it will pass.”

Because if he can cope with this, he will receive great strength, and if he accepts, then he will live wounded.

It is necessary to help not to chew, but it is not necessary to devalue.

Translate the state of fullness

Advice from Alena Starovoitova, a fragment from the accompanying webinar for clients of the Keys of Mastery Training Center:

“If you see that relatives feel bad, that they are suffering, it is impossible to reach out with your head when a person is depressed, in a state of survival. He won't understand or hear.

But broadcast radiate the energy of healing, love you can with the permission of their Higher Self.

The full state works well. Thus, you transfer their problems to the decision of the Higher aspects.

On the other hand, you help, support, but not with words and actions, but by broadcasting a certain level of energy.”

We will be grateful for your comments. Tell us how you get out of the role of a victim!

The content of the article:

The victim syndrome is one of the manifestations of a personality disorder, which is characterized by the need for a fictitious external cause of a person’s failures. The complex is manifested by the fact that a certain individual considers himself a victim of circumstances or negative actions of outsiders. Accordingly, his behavior changes. Despite the absence of any apparent reason or threat, he inspires himself and others to the contrary.

Causes of the victim syndrome

The victim syndrome in psychology today is given a special place. It is considered quite common and occurs mainly among female representatives. It was also found that there are no congenital variants of this disease. By inheritance, such a pathology does not tend to be transmitted. In the development of the syndrome, a certain role is played by risk factors that can directly or indirectly affect it. No single or main trigger has yet been identified.

But even among the wide variety of reasons, there are several most likely:

• hereditary predisposition. This category does not include congenital pathology. We are talking about a tendency to the emergence of mental illness in general. Often, when diagnosing such a syndrome, doctors trace similar disorders in previous generations of a person. It is believed that a certain unsteadiness of the psyche is observed if one of the relatives has one.
• mental trauma. Such an impact occurs most often even in early childhood, at a time when the emotional background is still practically not formed and is very vulnerable to external factors. It is any shock at this time that can lead to violations in the future. Often this happens if the child is very ill or physically injured. At this moment, all relatives and parents try to express their regret and sympathize as brightly as possible. Over time, the causal factor is eliminated, but the attitude remains the same. In the brain of the child, the opinion has already been deposited that he is the poorest and most unhappy. He continues to demand the same love and care, because he calls himself a victim of circumstances. And whatever happens in the future will be written off to the former cause.
• Overprotection. Many parents worry too much about their children. Their desire to protect their child from all possible troubles turns into an obsession that makes a mentally unhealthy person out of a child. Such children get used to the image invented more often by their mother, and subsequently cannot get rid of it. The feeling of being always small and miserable remains for almost a lifetime.
• Family circumstances. In most cases, women whose husbands are the owners of a tough character are exposed to this factor. Due to this feature, their soul mates have a very difficult time in communication. Constant family quarrels and reproaches make such ladies victims of domestic violence.
• Turning events in life. Our expectations are not always justified and correspond to reality. Fate may decide in a completely different way than a person expected. And, for example, the promised increase may not happen. In such situations, people often take on the image of a victim of circumstances. They cannot soberly assess what happened, but only escalate the moment.

Manifestations of victim syndrome in humans

Such a pathological condition is accompanied by a whole large complex of various symptoms. For each person, it may include several completely different manifestations from this combination. But there are also those signs that unite this nosology. For example, it is very common for a person to show genuine shyness and express surprise when receiving an award for something.

These and many more signs distinguish people from the crowd, let's consider them in more detail:

1. Denial of one's own defeats. This often occurs in the daily life of absolutely healthy people. But in the presence of such a syndrome, everything happens much more often. A person completely refuses to admit his guilt in any oversight. But in addition to everything, he is also trying to find the culprit among other people. For all his timidity and indecision to express an opinion on this matter, he always has the courage.
2. egocentricity. Such individuals are very fixated on their own reasoning. They have little or no interest in the opinion of the interlocutors or the view from the outside. Even if such a person is asked to look at the situation differently, nothing will work. He will simply throw a tantrum, insisting on his decision. Or he may refuse, citing it as unnecessary and a waste of time.
3. Bad mood. These people are still those pessimists. In life, they see almost only bad things. Well, and with them negativity in every person. They are constantly imagining some kind of conspiracy or setup on the part of relatives and strangers. The thought that someone wishes them misfortune, misfortune and many other tricky things never leaves. Even if a person completely sincerely behaves, it will still cause a storm of suspicion and negativity.
4. happiness in others. This sign is very noticeable and bright. People with this syndrome are constantly trying to convince their environment that everything in their lives is much better. The obsessive opinion that one's own is always worse than someone else's, although strange, is there. Such a person sees in outsiders the best homes, families, businesses, jobs, even the behavior of children. They constantly complain about the lack of luck, good luck and always assure of the insufficiency of the existing happiness.
5. Need for recognition. These people very much welcome respect and attention from the outside. Every action they take needs to be approved and praised. For them it is really important. If this does not happen for any reason, then the storm will not pass. An inferiority complex and thoughts about incompetence in this matter immediately arise. They begin to think that they didn’t arrange something, they did something wrong, and that’s the only reason they weren’t given their due.
6. Constant complaints. A patient who has this syndrome is very fond of talking. But not about what is happening around, but only to name fate. Today was a bad day, the work pays little, these trousers are too small for me. These and thousands more phrases about everything that may not satisfy are synthesized every minute. In conversation, they mention almost every aspect of life and find a flaw in any. An interesting fact is that no matter how outsiders try to correct the situation, find some constructive solution, in the end everything will turn out bad anyway.
7. Attempts to evoke pity. It would seem that there is nothing wrong with such an action. After all, who doesn’t love being taken care of during a cold or some other condition. But here everything is a little different. This need is constant. Every minute they need the support of others, they get tremendous pleasure from stories and some sad stories. And it does not matter at all what they may be about the life of a neighbor or girlfriend. What the interlocutor experiences, his attempts to regret, express condolences feed such patients, better than any emotions.
8. Disclaimer. This sign becomes noticeable even in early childhood, when children cannot confess their deeds and in every possible way try to shift the blame onto someone else. Then they are forgiven because of their immaturity. But when an adult man does not want to get married for fear of being a support for someone, this causes a storm of negativity. Such people often even refuse promotion at work, so as not to face a lot of responsibility. And this happens throughout life.
9. Exaggeration of negative results. A person with victim syndrome is known to their loved ones by the presence of several other symptoms. After committing any not very good action, he is the first to always think about the consequences. And they are drawn in his head in the worst manifestations. He always wails that he will be caught, punished, it was impossible to do this, it is wrong. A whole tangle of thoughts does not leave his head even when the act does not threaten any reprisal and was completely harmless to the environment.
10. Failure to refuse. Whatever request comes to such a person, he will always try to satisfy it. Even if it is unpleasant for him, it will still happen. Such people can rarely put their own interests above those of others. This is not because they underestimate themselves. They are terribly afraid that they will be offended, that they will not want to talk, or something else. This is what makes you do things you don't like.
11. Stubborn independence. Despite the fact that these individuals are eager to help others always and everywhere, they do not want the same from others. They will refuse help even when they are sure that they need it. From the outside it looks like stupid persistence, but in fact they really always try to do everything themselves. This motto leaves people without outside help in almost all difficult moments of life.
12. Self-abasement with the need for love. Such a very strange desire characterizes these personalities. They are great at dealing with moments of self-flagellation and humiliation. Always ready to act as a victim, even in cases where it is not necessary. But they still want respect in return. Such barter people consider fair. They see themselves as a good side and demand that others appreciate them, show them love and care.

The described list of symptoms very briefly, but quite correctly, gives an idea of ​​\u200b\u200ba person with victim syndrome. But do not forget that its manifestations may vary depending on the individuality of a particular individual. Therefore, the set of features can be much larger and more diverse.

Classification of the victim syndrome

To date, there are a lot of representatives of the described pathology. Such people meet more and more often, become closer and require special attention. Therefore, such a nosology has been traced by many psychologists of our time. Their research made it possible to distinguish several of the most common types of victim syndrome in relationships at once:

• A woman is a victim of violence. This case is not news to the present. Today, many of the fair sex very often become hostages of such situations. This manifests itself in families where patriarchy rules. Wives in this case play the role of holy innocence, try to hide behind strong male shoulders and involuntarily turn into miserable ladies. They also justify the rigidity of the spouse's character in every possible way, motivating this with a variety of and even stupid reasons.
• The child is the subject of bullying. A variant of such violence is also quite common. All this starts from an early age. The culprits of this attitude may be overly strict parents or cruel peers. The presence of any feature that can distinguish a child from others makes him vulnerable to such things. As a result of such a constant attitude, people grow up with complexes and the syndrome of the victim. They get used to this attitude and mentally build their character under it.
• Man is a victim of a narcissist. Most often, women are affected. It is they who often build relationships with men in love with themselves. Initially, everything proceeds very favorably, ideally. But a man with such a problem makes a woman completely change herself and her life for him. It is also interesting that she, as a rule, herself wishes this. Ladies easily get used to the love of their husband, in every possible way indulge his behavior and justify it to others.
• stockholm syndrome. A similar condition was described at the end of the last century. During a bank robbery, the male invader captured several people who were there. Due to the efforts of the police, everything ended well and only one thing remained strange. The hostages during and after the incident treated the robber very well. They supported in every possible way, justified the hopelessness of his situation and asked for mercy after everything. Whether this behavior was a response of the psyche to stress or some new reaction is still not known. But a similar attitude towards one's aggressor was noticed in all cases of this syndrome.

Ways to deal with victim syndrome

The presented pathology cannot be considered the norm and requires mandatory outside intervention. In order for a person to stop being a hostage of his own psycho-emotional state, he needs to be provided with qualified assistance. First of all, you need to understand that people are very rarely able to get out of this state on their own, because it is very convenient for them. The only way to get out of your comfort zone is to get friendly help and change your behavior.

Any type of treatment must begin with the patient himself. His attitude to what is happening is very important in the whole situation. Only when people themselves want to leave their imaginary comfort zone will their situation cease to be so critical. Full acceptance of the presence of a problem is also necessary in order to understand how to get rid of the victim syndrome.

There are several tips to help a person cope with this condition:

1. accept the problem. The whole difficulty lies precisely in the fact that people are very comfortable in their position. It allows you to be a manipulator of the attitudes of others, to receive affection and care, and also not to be responsible for difficult decisions. The importance of this point lies in the patient's consent to leave such a world of his own and look into reality. He must understand that such behavior is wrong and needs to be corrected.
2. Courage. Such a difficult decision is simply obliged to visit a person. You need to cope with your fears and gradually move into adulthood. It is also very important to be confident in your actions, to say goodbye to the desire for universal recognition and love. Only by realizing that it is also good not to be a sufferer can one achieve any success.
3. Learn to take responsibility for your actions. It means to stop looking for the guilty in your environment. Every action taken must be justified by one's own desire, and not by the help of others. Be sure to get rid of the fear of not pleasing someone. This fact, like nothing else, provokes the prolongation of the pathological condition.

In most cases, a person is not very worried about his condition. And the only people who can help him are his family and friends. Friends who are bothered by this behavior should definitely try to correct it in some way.

First of all, you need to stop being a passive listener to stories and complaints. You need to stop such an interlocutor and start asking your questions. They must be serious about a straight answer. Their character can carry reflections on any situation, as well as the conclusions drawn.

Such a person should be asked about his indecision. Constantly motivate for active decision-making. Try to arrange a situation that could provoke some kind of action. It is especially good if it leads to liability in the future.

How to get rid of the victim syndrome - look at the video:

The victim syndrome is a huge problem in modern society. It deprives young people of the ability to live a full life and be an active participant in their own destiny. The presence of a variety of clinical manifestations allows diagnosing the condition at its early stages. The therapy that such a person needs is based on extremely simple advice. It is only necessary to carefully observe the behavior of people from the environment and provide timely assistance.

In general, science is very gentle and delicate. Everything in it is based on subjective perception, everything is individual to the limit, as in literature, even, perhaps, to an even greater extent, because the psyche of each individual person is a huge and bottomless world that can be studied for decades and so nothing in it and not understand.
victims in this sense, the most subtle of the subtlest. A person harassed to the limit is aggravated and pathetic, so studying his behavior in the most critical moments of his life is far from an easy task.
That and more interesting may be the topic of this article, "The Psychology of the Victim", in which we will just try to analyze and typologize the psychology of the average victim.

A person, as you know, can behave differently - it all depends on the specific situation in which he finds himself. Very often a person finds himself in such a situation that he is forced to try on the mask of a victim - or really become one.
The potential victim begins to experience fear - and this fear is the catalyst for the entire "sacrificial" situation. Each person reacts to fear differently - someone starts to move forward, no matter what, someone, on the contrary, hides in a corner, someone tries to put up some kind of defense, others go towards danger with arms wide open. So what's the deal? Why does everyone have such a different reaction to this?

Psychology of the victim: Reasons for the formation of the psychology of the victim in a person
Firstly, It's low self-esteem. The roots of low self-esteem tend to grow in early childhood. If a child did not receive parental love or was brought up incorrectly, if he was bullied by peers or teachers, low self-esteem will very likely be one of his qualities. People suffering from this trait of character are very noticeable, they stand out from the crowd, and an angry, negative, aggressive person sees, feels a person with low self-esteem, follows his trail, like a beast that smells fresh blood.

Here is a vivid example - have you ever paid attention to how a fraudster accurately identifies a person who can profit from a wallet, who looks so confused and depressed that he certainly will not notice the loss? This is the hunter's instinctive feeling of his prey.

The second reason is a very strong dependence on the opinions of other people.. If a person depends on the opinions of others, if he does everything with an eye on them - then, naturally, sooner or later he will become a victim - a victim of their disapproval, because, as you know, you can’t please everything, and what kind of life is it, consisting in constant pleasing others?

The third reason is the fear of standing out from the crowd. This fear, too, has its roots in childhood. When a child goes to school, a normalized gray life passes before his eyes, where everyone does exactly what is required of him, and no deviations from this norm are welcome. The school reflex remains with a person for life, but meanwhile, in adulthood, he will have to deal with things more difficult than school problems, and then he will be completely defenseless. The aggressors feel this defenselessness and take advantage of it.

The fourth reason is the fear of failure., perhaps the main reason for the "sacrifice" of human behavior. “What if I take on this project, but it doesn’t work out for me?” - some person thinks. In this case, you need to try to imagine that what you are afraid of has already happened and look at the situation from this angle. “If I don’t succeed in this case, then what, the world will collapse, what?” - Mentally ask yourself. And you will immediately receive an answer - yes no, of course, what kind of nonsense, the maxim that threatens you - this is a small chagrin. But in case of luck - that will be a holiday.

Psychology of the victim: Female types of the victim, their classification and analysis
If we talk about a situation where a woman is subjected to violence by her husband / partner, then the classification of female types that can endure such violence will look like this:

First, these are infantile women,“eternal girls”, spoiled in childhood by their parents, accustomed to the caress and care of their father, and expecting it from other men. Such women are not capable of making any decisions, they are always going with the flow of life, always confused and cannot be fully responsible for their lives. Therefore, cruelty on the part of a man is a shock for them, which they cannot cope with.

The second type is a bright, fatal woman. They need sharp emotions, many, many emotions. They are accustomed to walking on the edge of a knife, accustomed to taking risks and can't help themselves. Having met a man they like, they are ready to go with him to the ends of the world, not a bit thinking about the consequences of such a step. Such women perceive the cruelty of a man as part of their sharp, over-emotional game.

The third type is outwardly "white and fluffy" ladies. They coo in their family nest, give their husband warmth and affection - but only as long as he is able to provide them. When his capital runs out, they leave him without hesitation. Therefore, such women suffer from economic violence - a man feels with what he can manipulate them, and builds family relationships according to the "buy and sell" model.

The fourth type of women are women, oddly enough, strong and successful. For them, all life is a struggle, they want to prove their worth to everyone. And in the family they also want to be leaders: first they pester a man with their pressure, and when his patience bursts, and he starts retaliatory actions, they turn into victims, remember their feminine, tender nature. So, in the style of a pendulum, their family life proceeds.

As you can see, situations in which a person tries on himself victim role are quite varied. In order not to flirt with this role, it is enough to learn the simplest techniques of self-control, and then life will become more like a successful hunt than an endless run from an angry society. Dare, and everything will work out for you! Just do whatever you want to do without fear!