As long as we continue to be angry with a parent (even unconsciously), our relationships with people of the same gender as that parent will continue to be difficult.

I suggest that you check and see for yourself that this parent experienced the same trauma with their parent of the opposite sex (i.e. the same sex as you). All these injuries are repeated from generation to generation (which explains the phenomenon of heredity), and so it will continue until the wheel of karma is stopped; and for this it is necessary that all our relationships be built and developed in true love.

Do you remember that the main cause of trauma lies in the inability of a person to forgive himself for the evil he has done to himself or to someone else. It is difficult for him to forgive himself because he usually does not even realize that he is accumulating anger at himself. The heavier your wound of being abandoned, the more authentic it means that you have left yourself (i.e., surrendered) or that you have left other people, situations, projects. We blame others for everything we do ourselves, but we do not want to notice. For this reason, we attract people who show us how we behave with others and with ourselves.

Another means of realizing that we have abandoned ourselves or another person is shame. Indeed, we experience a sense of shame when we want to hide or hide our behavior. It is normal to find shameful behavior for which we condemn others. And I especially don’t want them to catch us in such behavior.

So it is extremely important to settle our relationship with our parents as soon as possible - only in this way can we stop repeating the same pattern of the situation. Even medical and psychological scientists have identified and explained the repetition from generation to generation of certain forms of behavior and destructive diseases. They established that there are dynasties of diabetics, heart patients, asthmatics, as well as families of hereditary rapists, incest, alcoholics, etc.

If you find the traits of an addict in yourself, but do not think that you were deprived of the attention of a parent of the opposite sex - rather, this attention was excessive - then this is probably what happened. The attention you were given was not the sort you wanted. It almost suffocated you.

I can give an example with my eldest son; he is already an adult, but his body betrays the trauma of the abandoned. But of my three children, it was he who received the maximum attention from me in childhood, because at that time I did not have work outside the home and I was with him all the time. On the other hand, I was too hard and harsh with him in situations that, in his opinion, did not justify it. I didn't let him down, I watched his every move because I wanted to make a perfect human being out of him - in accordance with my notions of perfection. Today I understand that it was not at all the attention he craved. He survived the trauma of being abandoned, and I consider it normal for him to be angry at me in those years. I now know that this experience was part of his life plan and that we were to understand certain things together. He needed a mother like me to go through the process of forgiving someone who left him, and I needed a son like him to help me complete a similar situation with my father. We will return to this topic in the chapter on betrayal.

Spiritual laws say that if a person experiences a certain experience not in love, then he will have to return to Earth again and experience the same experience again. He returns with the same soul, but plays different roles. And all this only in order to get the opportunity to solve problems that were not solved by him in previous lives.

Don't forget that the characteristics and behaviors described in this chapter only come into play when the survivor of the trauma of abandonment decides to wear the mask of an addict, hoping thereby to escape the suffering that has befallen him. Depending on the severity of the injury and the intensity of the pain, the mask may be worn infrequently or very frequently.

Behaviors typical of addictive behavior are dictated by the fear of the possibility of re-experiencing the trauma of the abandoned. However, it may also happen that you will find some, but not all, of the characteristics that I have described above. The coincidence of all these characteristics in one person is almost unbelievable. Each of the five traumas has its own forms of behavior and internal attitudes. The ways of thinking, feeling, conversational and business manners that are characteristic of each trauma determine how a person reacts to everything that happens in his life. A person in a state of reaction is not focused, not balanced, not abiding in his heart and can neither be good nor happy. Therefore, it is very important to be aware of those moments when you are yourself, and when you are in a state of reaction. When you achieve this awareness, you have the opportunity to become the master of your life, and not give control of it to your fears.

The purpose of this chapter was to help you recognize your abandonment trauma. If you recognize yourself in the mask of an addict, then in the last chapter you will find all the information you need to heal this trauma, become yourself and not think that your whole life is filled with the torment of the abandoned. If you do not find this trauma in yourself, then I advise you to contact those who know you well and make sure that they agree with you. As I have already mentioned, the trauma of the abandoned may be minor; in this case, you can notice only certain characteristic features in yourself. Let me remind you that, first of all, you should trust the physical description, since the physical body never lies, unlike us - we can very easily deceive ourselves.

If you see this injury in someone from your environment, do not try to remake this person. Instead, use everything you learn in this book to cultivate more empathy for him, to better understand his reactive behavior. Do not paraphrase this book in your own words; let those who are interested in this field read it for themselves.

Awakening Trauma: Between one and three years with a parent of the opposite sex. Lack of emotional nourishment or certain type of nourishment.

Mask: Dependent.

Body: Elongated, thin, devoid of tone, sagging; the legs are weak, the back is twisted, the arms seem excessively long and hang down along the body, certain parts of the body look flabby, sagging.

Eyes: Big, sad. Attractive look.

Vocabulary:"absent" "one" "can't stand" "eat" "do not leave".

Character: Victim. Tends to merge with someone or something. Needs presence, attention, support, reinforcement. Experiencing difficulties when you have to do something or decide alone. Asks for advice, but does not always follow it. Children's voice. Accepts rejection painfully. Sadness. Cries easily. Causes pity. Either happy or sad. Physically clings to others. Nervous. Stage star. Strives for independence. Loves sex.

Most afraid of: Loneliness.

Nutrition: A good appetite. Bulimia. Likes soft food. Eats slowly.

Typical diseases: Back pain asthma bronchitis migraines hypoglycemia agoraphobia diabetes adrenal disease myopia hysteria depression rare diseases (requiring long-term attention) incurable diseases.

Tatiana Kulinich

Watch small children or think back to your earliest childhood. Have you suffered from complexes, have you thought about the fact that you look somehow wrong? Was happiness needed for something else besides the bright sun and mother's smile? Children don't know what self-esteem issues or painful self-loathing are. We all come into this world in love with ourselves, our loved ones and the Universe. But due to psychological trauma, people can lose this state. Therefore, in order to find true love for yourself, as in childhood, you need to heal these wounds. And is it worth saying that self-love is the first and indispensable condition for a happy life in harmony with oneself and others. Without self-love, it is impossible to be happy in love, marriage, relationships. To be happy in general. Without working with the cause of the problem, the trauma itself, neither training nor meditation will help. What are these injuries?

Types of psychological trauma and methods of healing.

Modern psychologist Liz Burbo identifies 5 main traumas. Each of them has its own cause and consequences for a person. Bourbo even describes the type of physique characteristic of people with this or that injury. She also gives advice on how to heal these deep spiritual wounds, restore self-love and high self-esteem.

Trauma of the Rejected

Rejected children are those who were born after a difficult unplanned pregnancy, children of a different gender than the parents intended. This trauma also occurs as a result of too high expectations of parents about the abilities of the unborn child. For example, it often happens that a child with musical abilities is born in a family of hereditary doctors. First, they try with all their might to change him, and then they reject him because he is not the one they need. The rejectionist's trauma is most often experienced because of the same-sex parent's attitude. After all, girls see their mothers as role models, just like boys see their father as a mentor. When these people reject them, they feel they have no right to exist.

A rejected person from early childhood feels that this world does not need him. He is passive, closed, tries to take up as little space as possible, communicate as little as possible. He avoids classmates at school, then colleagues at work. Everywhere tries to be inconspicuous. Such a person can often change his place of residence, work, circle of friends, but everywhere he feels out of place. The body of a rejected person seems to be made up of separate, unrelated parts. In their faces you can see a sharp asymmetry. They are very disproportionate. They often have excessive thinness, muscle weakness and bone fragility. They often have skin problems, as if saying "Don't touch me!"

Healing the trauma of the rejected can be done through the realization that if your parents did not need you, this does not mean that the whole world does not need you. Look for your place in life, your calling is the key to healing. Surround yourself with people who respect and appreciate you, and learn to accept these feelings with gratitude. Realize that you can be loved simply because you are. You don't have to play the part of someone else to win back your lost right to life.

Forsaken trauma

Unlike a rejected child, an abandoned child knows what his parents need, remembers what it means to be loved. But it gets too rare or abruptly stopped receiving at a certain point. The trauma of the abandoned is formed when parents spend too little time with the child, are constantly busy at work, give the baby to be raised by the grandmother (even on vacation), etc. This trauma most often occurs with a parent of the opposite sex, because the emotions received in communication with him are more vivid. The trauma of an abandoned person can also arise from the fact that a child under two years old did not have enough physical nutrition for any reason. Or, even if his parents gave him a lot of attention, it turned out to be not the one, not the one he craved. For example, excessive control, dictation of each step, etc., instead of emotional warmth.

A person with abandonment trauma experiences a constant emotional hunger for love and affection. He is ready for anything to get at least a small portion of warmth. To do this, such a person is used to adapting to others. They will be able to play any role to be loved. Such people are prone to addictions, especially love ones. In a partner, they are desperately looking for a parent who has left them. They have a huge fear of separation. Separations and breaks for them are like a disaster. Such a person can feel valuable only while in a relationship.

An addict has problems with posture: he constantly stoops, he has very weak shoulders and spine, and his stomach seems to stick out. Such people get tired quickly, they have low immunity, which is why they often suffer from colds. Their feature is a weak tone. And it is felt in everything. By the way, they often suffer from bulimia - they try to eat their emotional hunger with the help of food.

The key to healing this trauma is gaining self-reliance. A person with this trauma must stop seeing the partner as a parent and the only meaning of life. Pay more attention to other areas of your life (friends, hobbies, work). It is especially important to learn how to maintain close relationships with several people at the same time, without sliding into dependence on one person. Learn to feel complete even when you are alone. Love it, spend more time alone with yourself.

It is also important to stop being angry at the parent (usually of the opposite sex) who caused the injury to heal this trauma. Work through this issue. Most often, this parent also experienced this in childhood in a relationship with a parent of the opposite sex. Forgive him.

The Trauma of the Humiliated

This trauma develops in people who, for one reason or another, were ashamed of their own parents: because of their appearance, insufficient abilities, etc. This trauma is associated with psychological or even physical regular humiliation. Making fun of their baby, uttering such phrases as “again you ruined everything”, “you can’t expect anything else from you”, parents seriously injure the soul of their baby. A child who has received such trauma from his own parents is often bullied at school, which only exacerbates the situation. A person who is humiliated begins to subconsciously enjoy this and becomes a masochist. He begins to attract people who like to mock them. Constantly gets into ridiculous situations where he is ridiculed.

A person with the trauma of the humiliated is almost obscenely obliging. Often takes on extra work, prone to blind self-sacrifice. He steadfastly endures all insults addressed to him. He does not know how to say “no”, because he is terribly afraid of offending someone.

Outwardly, such people look quite strong, but this is a deceptive impression. They often suffer from overweight problems. Their skin is flabby, an unpleasant grayish tint. Their upper body is usually larger than the lower, because of this, their bodies look disproportionate. Facial features are small, neat, in many respects childish.

Healing the trauma of the downtrodden can be done through working with your own repressed anger. The masochist suppresses his aggression so much that he learns to enjoy its manifestations in his direction. Stop being afraid or ashamed of your own anger. It is the source of your strength, the emotion that protects you from encroachments on your freedom. Practice various exercises to unblock anger. It can be pillow beating, which is advised by many psychologists. A great method is to go out into the field, where no one can see or hear you, and yell as much as you can. With the ability to experience anger, both self-love and self-respect will return to you.

Trauma of betrayal

The child receives this trauma in a relationship with a parent of the opposite sex, who used him for his own purposes. It is known that many mothers, especially single or those who do not have a relationship with their husband, are overly attached to their own sons. They can spoil them, but at the same time strictly forbid communication with peers, be jealous of their son's first loves. In the same way, fathers, without knowing it, can use their own daughters. For a small child, a parent of the opposite sex is an unshakable ideal and authority. And an adult, feeling insecure in himself, can tie a child to himself in order to constantly receive his attention and admiration.

Realizing once that he was used for their own purposes, the child becomes closed, ceases to trust people. He seeks to control everything around him, especially his feelings for other people. At the same time, he has a need to constantly conquer people of the opposite sex in order to raise his self-esteem. Some time after starting a relationship, he abandons his victims. Thus, he tries to take revenge on the one where he hurt him, his mother. Women can behave in the same way, attracting men, and then losing interest in them.

People with betrayal trauma behave very confidently in society, even defiantly. However, their injury can be recognized by the constant tension in their body, especially in the back and arms. Often they have a shifty look, they are very attentive to details, immediately notice what is hidden from other eyes. Women cannot afford to leave the house without makeup. Men are too careful about their image, constantly buying expensive accessories.

The only way to heal this trauma is by acknowledging and living your pain. Do not deny your own trauma, do not try to rationalize it or justify the parent. Allow yourself to be angry with him. Stop being ashamed of your own weakness. Cry out all the tears you've been hiding for so long. Start building trusting relationships with those around you based on true intimacy. Do not use loved ones for your own purposes, stop seeing them as only toys to increase your self-esteem. Accept your own imperfection. Stop striving for an unattainable ideal, love yourself the way you are. After all, you know that shame is hiding under the mask of your self-confidence.

The trauma of injustice

This trauma a person receives in childhood from a parent of the same sex. Injustice is a constant reproach in the pursuit of an unattainable ideal. The child feels that no matter what he does, he will never be good enough for his parent, but he desperately strives for this. He unfairly assesses the personality of the child, downplaying his merits, and concentrating on shortcomings. From childhood, such people are instilled with the idea: they have no rights, only duties.

Outwardly, such a person often has a proportional body, a straight rigid body, and is not overweight. He strives for perfection in everything, so he carefully monitors his appearance. Often wears black clothes, or things of dark colors.

In order to protect themselves from the tremendous pain caused by trauma, such a person tries to cut himself off from any feelings. His body becomes a rigid frame that protects from any emotions. Often such people do their best to bring their body to perfection. This is done through various diets or exercising to the point of exhaustion. In general, the idea of ​​perfection is very important to them. They believe that only by achieving the ideal can they earn the right to love and pleasure.

A person with a trauma of injustice avoids any negative emotions in every possible way. It is hard for him to admit that he has some problems, illnesses, hardships. He will delay the visit to the doctor until the last, just not to admit that he is sick. Outwardly, it may seem cheerful and light, but his joy is insincere.

In order to heal this trauma, you must recognize your own imperfection, allow yourself to be weak, vulnerable, dependent. Don't make excuses for your own parents for their cruel "for your own good" attitude. They could teach you discipline and ambition, but they took away the main thing: spontaneity and acceptance of yourself by anyone. And turn on the feelings. Please yourself more often. Don't be afraid to feel.

Tatyana Kulinich for https: // site

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Typology of characters (Alexander Lowen and Liz Burbo)

1. The trauma of the rejected - the mask of the fugitive - the schizoid type

Characteristics of a rejected person's injury:

Awakening trauma: from the moment of conception to one year; with same-sex parent. Does not feel the right to exist.

Mask: fugitive.

Parent: Same gender.

Body: compressed, narrow, fragile, fragmented.

Eyes: small, with an expression of fear; impression of a mask around the eyes.

Vocabulary: "nothing", "no one", "does not exist", "disappear", "I'm sick of ...".

Character: Detachment from the material. The pursuit of excellence. Intelligence. Transitions through stages of great love to periods of deep hatred. He does not believe in his right to exist.

Sexual difficulties. He considers himself useless, worthless. Strives for privacy. Stewed. Knows how to be invisible. Finds a variety of ways to escape. It is easy to go to the astral plane. He thinks he is not understood. Can't let her inner child live in peace.

Most afraid of: panic.

Nutrition: Appetite often disappears due to the influx of emotions or fear. Eats small portions. Sugar, alcohol and drugs as escape routes. predisposition to anorexia.

Typical diseases: Skin, diarrhea, arrhythmia, respiratory dysfunction, allergies, vomiting, fainting, coma, hypoglycemia, diabetes, depression, suicidal tendencies, psychosis.

Runaway Diseases:

Among other diseases characteristic of the fugitive, we also see disorders respiratory functions, especially during a panic.

The fugitive is exposed allergies is a reflection of the rejection that he has experienced or is experiencing in relation to certain foods or substances.

He can choose and vomit as an indication of his distaste for a particular person or situation. I even heard such statements from teenagers: “I want to vomit my mother (or father).” It is not uncommon for a fugitive to want to "vomit up" a situation or a hated person, and may express their feelings by saying, "That's a sickening person" or "Your talk makes me sick." All of these are ways to express your desire to reject someone or something.

Dizziness or fainting- also suitable means if you really want to avoid a situation or a person.

In serious cases, the fugitive is saved coma.

A fugitive suffering agoraphobia, uses this disorder when he wants to avoid certain situations and people that can cause him to panic (more on this behavioral disorder in Chapter 3).

If a fugitive abuses sugar, he can provoke pancreatic diseases such as hypoglycemia or diabetes.

If he has accumulated too much hatred for the parent as a result of the suffering experienced and experienced by him as a rejected being, and if he has reached his emotional and mental limit, then he may develop depressive or manic-depressive condition. If he contemplates suicide, he does not speak of it, and when he proceeds to action, he provides for everything so as not to fail. Those who often talk about suicide and are usually mistaken when they go into action belong rather to the category of the abandoned; they will be discussed in the next chapter.

Since childhood, it is difficult for a fugitive to recognize himself as a full-fledged human being, therefore he strives to be like a hero or heroine he adores, he is ready to get lost, to dissolve in his idol - for example, a young girl longs to be Marilyn Monroe; this lasts until she decides to be someone else.

The danger of such a deviation in behavior is that over time it can turn into psychosis.

The structure of the schizoid character.

Description

The term "schizoid" comes from "schizophrenia" and means a person who has a predisposition to the schizophrenic condition. This includes the splitting of the personality as a whole, for example, thinking is separated from feelings. What a person thinks seems to have little apparent connection with how he feels or behaves; withdrawing into oneself, breaking or losing contact with the world or with external reality. The schizoid individual is not a schizophrenic and may never become one, but the predisposition to this disease is present in his personality, usually well compensated.

The term schizoid describes a person whose sense of self is diminished, whose ego is weak and whose contact with the body and with the senses is severely weakened.

Bioenergetic conditions

Energy is withdrawn from the peripheral structures of the body, namely from those parts through which the body contacts the outside world: the face, hands, genitals and legs. They are not completely energetically connected with the center, i.e., excitation from the center does not flow freely to them, but is blocked by chronic muscle tension at the base of the head, shoulders, pelvis and hip joints. Consequently, the functions performed by them are separated from the feelings in the human heart.

The internal charge is prone to "freezing" in the region of the center. As a result, a weak impulse is formed. However, the charge is explosive (due to its pressure) and can break out in the form of violence or murder. This happens when the defenses can no longer hold back and the body is overwhelmed with a huge amount of energy that it cannot handle. The personality is divided into many parts, as a result of which a schizophrenic state develops.

The defense consists of a pattern of muscular tensions that, together, continuously hold the personality, preventing the peripheral structures from being filled with feelings and energy. Muscular tensions, such as those described above, are responsible for disconnecting the peripheral organs from contact with the center.

Thus, protection is problematic. In the waist area there is an energy splitting of the body, and as a result of this - the disintegration of the integrity of the upper and lower halves of the body. Bioenergetic analysis is shown in the diagram.

Physical aspects

In most cases, patients with these features have a narrow and constricted body. Where there are paranoid elements in the personality, the body is fuller and more athletic.

The main areas of tension are at the base of the skull, in the joints of the shoulders, legs, pelvis and in the area of ​​the diaphragm. The latter is usually so powerful that it divides the body into two parts. The main contractions are concentrated in the small muscles that surround the joints. Therefore, in this type of character, one can observe either extreme rigidity or superflexibility of the joints.

The face is mask-like. The eyes, although not empty, as in schizophrenia, are lifeless and do not make contact. The arms hang, more like extensions than extensions of the body. Feet tense and cold; they are often everted; body weight is transferred to the outside of the foot.

There is often a noticeable disparity between the two halves of the body. In many cases, they do not appear to belong to the same person.

For example, under stress, when a person assumes an arc position, the line of his body often seems to be broken. The head, torso and legs are often at an angle to each other.

Psychological ratios

The person does not feel whole /14/. The dissociative tendency that occurs at the bodily level due to insufficient energy connection between the head and the body leads to a split personality. So, you can find a pose of arrogance combined with humiliation or a virgin who feels like a whore. In the latter case, the body is, as it were, divided into two parts - upper and lower.

In the schizoid character, hypersensitivity is found due to a weak ego boundary, which is a psychological counterpart of a lack of peripheral charge. This weakness reduces the ego's resistance to external pressure and forces it into self-defence.

Such people avoid close, sensual relationships. In fact, it is very difficult for them to establish such relationships because of the lack of energy in the peripheral structures.

The desire to always motivate actions gives schizoid behavior a shade of insincerity. This has been called “as if” behavior, i.e. it seems to be based on feelings, but the actions themselves are not an expression of feelings.

Here it seems important to give some data on the origin of this structure. These are the summarized observations of those who have studied this problem, treated and analyzed patients with such disorders.

In all cases, there is clear evidence that patients were rejected by their mother at an early age, and this was perceived by them as an existential threat. The rejection was accompanied by covert and often overt hostility on her part.

Rejection and hostility have developed in the patient the fear that any attempts at contact, demands or self-assertion will lead to the destruction of himself.

From childhood comes a lack of any strong positive feelings of security or joy, frequent nightmares.

Typical for such patients is both isolated and unemotional behavior with occasional outbursts of rage, which is called autistic.

If either parent intervened repeatedly in the child's life during the oedipal period (for example, for sexual reasons), which is quite common, then a paranoid element was added to the main symptom. This made possible some activity at the end of childhood or in adulthood.

In all this, the child has no choice but to separate himself from reality (intense imagination life) and from his body (abstract mind) in order to survive. Due to the fact that his main feelings were horror and deadly rage, the child was fenced off from all feelings by self-defense.

Dance style:

The fugitive doesn't like dancing. If he dances, then his movements are minimal and inexpressive, he does not want to be noticed. It seems to say on it: "Do not look at me for a long time."

Vehicle selection:

· The fugitive likes inconspicuous cars of a soft color.

Sitting posture:

· The fugitive shrinks, trying to take up as little space as possible in the chair. He likes to tuck his legs under him very much: when he is not connected to the ground, it is easier to run away.

Fears:

· The fugitive is most afraid of panic. He can't really realize it because he hides, disappears as soon as he starts to panic, or even before it starts. Surrounding people see panic without difficulty - his eyes almost always betray him.

Injuries by gender:

· The trauma of being rejected is experienced with a same-sex parent. That is, the fugitive feels rejected by persons of the same sex as himself. He accuses them of rejecting him and is more angry with them than with himself. On the other hand, when he is rejected by a person of the opposite sex, he rejects himself even more. Accordingly, in this case, his anger at himself dominates. At the same time, there is a high probability that this person of the opposite sex did not reject him, but left him.

Injury Healing:

your injury rejected close to healing if you gradually take up more and more space, if you begin to assert yourself. And if someone pretends that you are not there, it does not unsettle you. There are fewer and fewer situations in which you are afraid to panic.

2. The trauma of the abandoned - the mask of the addict - oral type

Characteristics of an abandoned person's injury:

Awakening trauma: Between one and three years old, with a parent of the opposite sex. Lack of emotional nourishment or certain type of nourishment.

Mask: Dependent.

Body: Elongated, thin, devoid of tone, sagging; the legs are weak, the back is twisted, the arms seem excessively long and hang down along the body, certain parts of the body look flabby, sagging.

Eyes: Big, sad. Attractive look.

Vocabulary: “absent”, “alone”, “can’t stand”, “eat”, “don’t leave”.

Character: Victim. Tends to merge with someone or something. Needs presence, attention, support, reinforcement. Experiencing difficulties when you have to do something or decide alone.

Asks for advice, but does not always follow it. Children's voice. Accepts rejection painfully. Sadness. Cries easily. Causes pity. Either happy or sad. Physically clings to others. Nervous. Stage star. Strives for independence. Loves sex.

Most afraid of: Loneliness.

Nutrition: A good appetite. Bulimia. Likes soft food. Eats slowly.

Typical diseases: Back pain, asthma, bronchitis, migraines, hypoglycemia, agoraphobia, diabetes, adrenal disease, myopia, hysteria, depression, rare diseases (requiring long-term attention), incurable diseases.

Diseases of the abandoned:

Asthma- a disease characterized by difficult, painful breathing. In metaphysical terms, this disease indicates that a person takes more than he should, and gives with great difficulty.

Problems with bronchi also highly probable, since the bronchi are metaphysically associated with the family. If the addict suffers from bronchial diseases, then this indicates his family dissatisfaction: it seems to him that he receives too little from the family, which is too dependent on it. He would like to believe that he has a solid place in the family, and not fuss, seeking this place.

Under the influence of his fusional subpersonality, the addict attracts problems pancreas(hypoglycemia and diabetes) and adrenal glands. His whole digestive system is unstable, because he considers his nutrition to be inadequate, even if physically it is quite normal. Despite the fact that the lack exists only in the emotional plane, his physical body receives messages about the lack of food and reacts accordingly - reflects the mental state.

Myopia it is also very common in addicts. It represents the inability to see far, and this is associated with fear of the future and, especially, with the unwillingness to face the future alone.

An addict who cherishes his sacrificial subpersonality too much can bring himself to hysteria. Psychologists say that a hysterical personality is like a child who is afraid that his pacifier will be taken away from him and left alone. Therefore, such a person tends to noisily demonstrate his emotions.

Many addicts develop depression when their trauma causes them great suffering and they feel helpless - they do not receive the love they so crave. This is also a way to get attention.

The addict suffers migraines, because it prevents oneself from being oneself, blocks one's "I am". He fusses too much, resorts to all sorts of tricks, just to be what others want him to be, or he lives almost completely in the shadow of the people who love him.

I also noticed that addicts very often attract rare diseases requiring special attention, or the so-called incurable diseases. Let me remind you that when medicine declares a certain disease incurable, then, in fact, it reports that science more I have not found reliable remedies for this disease.

The illnesses and ailments listed above can occur in people with other types of trauma, but they are most common in those who experience the trauma of an abandoned person.

Oral character structure.

Description

We describe a person as having an oral character structure if he has many of the features typical of the oral period of life, i.e., infancy. These characteristics are a weak sense of independence, a desire to hold on to others, reduced aggressiveness, and an inner sense of need for support, help, and care. They signify the lack of doing it in infancy and represent the degree of fixation at that level of development. In some people, they are masked by consciously adopted compensatory positions. Some individuals with this structure exhibit exaggerated independence, which, however, is unable to withstand stress. The main experience of the oral character is deprivation, while the corresponding experience of the schizoid structure was rejection.

Bioenergetic conditions

The "oral character" is characterized by a low energy level. The energy is "not frozen" in the center, as in the "schizoid character", and enters the periphery of the body, but its flow is weakened.

The reasons for this are not entirely clear. Linear growth comes first, resulting in a long thin body. The only possible explanation is that the delay in maturation allows the long bones to grow excessively. Another factor may be the inability of underdeveloped muscles to keep bone growth under control.

The lack of energy and strength is most noticeable in the lower part of the body, because the development of the body in a child begins from the head down.

The charge level of points of contact with the outside world is reduced. The eyes are weak with a tendency to myopia, the level of genital arousal is reduced.

This bioenergetic state is shown in the diagram.

physical characteristics

The body is usually long and thin, consistent with Sheldon's ectomorphic type. It differs from the body of the schizoid personality in that it is not very tense.

The muscles are underdeveloped, not sinewy. This lack of development is most noticeable in the arms and legs. Long, poorly developed legs are a typical feature of this structure. The feet are also thin and narrow. The legs seem unable to support the body. The knees are usually brought together to provide additional stability support.

The body may fall sharply due to partial weakness of the muscular system. General physical signs of immaturity are common. The pelvis may be smaller than usual in both men and women. Often there is little hair on the body. In some women, the entire growth process is delayed, and their bodies look like children's.

Breathing in persons with an oral character is superficial, which is explained by the low energy level of their personality. Deprivation at the oral level reduces the strength of the sucking impulse. Good breathing depends on the ability to take in air.

Psychological ratios

Oral people have difficulty standing on their feet, literally and figuratively. They tend to lean or hold on to others. But, as I noted earlier, this shortcoming can be masked by an exaggerated posture of independence. Collectivism is also a reflection of the inability to be alone. There is an increased need for contact with other people, for their warmth and support.

The oral character suffers from an inner feeling of emptiness. He constantly wants to fill this void at the expense of others, although he may act as if he provides support for himself. The inner emptiness reflects the suppression of an intense feeling of strong desire for something that, if expressed, would lead to deep crying and freer breathing.

Due to the low energy level, the oral personality is prone to mood swings from depression to elation. A tendency to depression is pathognomonic for oral personality traits.

Another typically oral trait is the “I owe this” attitude. This can be expressed in the idea that society is obliged to provide him with a livelihood. This belief arises directly from early experiences of deprivation.

Etiological and historical factors

Early deprivation may be due to the actual loss of warmth and support of the mother due to her death or illness, or her absence due to the need to work. A mother who herself suffers from depression should not be allowed to see her child.

Early development is often found, the ability to talk or walk earlier than usual. I explain this development as an attempt to overcome feelings of abandonment by becoming independent.

There are also often other experiences of disappointment in early life when a child has tried to reach out to his father or siblings for contact, warmth and support. Such disappointments can leave a feeling of bitterness in a person.

Depressive episodes in late childhood and early adolescence are typical. However, children with the oral type do not exhibit autistic behavior, unlike children with the schizoid type. We must admit that the schizoid elements can be in the oral structure, just as the oral can be in the schizoid.

Dance style:

· The addict prefers contact dances, in which it is possible to snuggle up to a partner. Sometimes it seems that he hangs on a partner. His whole being radiates: "Look how my partner loves me."

Vehicle selection:

The addict prefers cars that are comfortable and not the same as everyone else.

Sitting posture:

· The addict is sprawling in a chair or leaning on a support - on the armrest or on the back of an adjacent chair. The upper part of the body is tilted forward.

Fears:

· An addict's biggest fear is loneliness. He does not see this, because he always arranges himself in such a way as to be in someone's company. If, nevertheless, he finds himself alone, then, of course, he admits that he is alone; but at the same time he does not notice how feverishly he is looking for something to do, something to fill his time. there is no physical partner, the phone and TV replace his company. It is much easier for his relatives to notice, to feel this great fear of loneliness, even when surrounded by people. He also has sad eyes.

Injuries by gender:

· The trauma of being abandoned is experienced with a parent of the opposite sex. That is, the addict tends to believe that he will be abandoned by the opposite sex, and blame them more than himself. If he experiences the experience of being abandoned with a person of the same sex, then he blames himself, because he believes that he did not pay enough attention to him or failed to appreciate his attention. It often happens that he is sure that a given person of his gender has abandoned him, but in fact it has rejected him.

Injury Healing:

your injury abandoned close to healing if you feel good even when you are alone and if you need less attention from someone. Life doesn't seem so dramatic anymore. You increasingly have a desire to start various projects, and even if others do not help you, you are able to continue the work yourself.

3. Trauma of the humiliated - mask of a masochist - masochistic type

Characteristics of the trauma of the humiliated:

Awakening trauma: in the period from one to three years, with a parent who is involved in the physical development of the child (usually the mother). Lack of freedom. Feelings of humiliation due to being controlled by that parent.

Mask: Masochist.

Body: Thick, round, short stature, thick tight neck, tension in the throat, neck, jaws and pelvis. The face is round and open.

Vocabulary: "worthy", "unworthy", "small", "fat".

Character: Often ashamed of himself or others, or afraid of being embarrassed. Dislikes fast walking. Knows his needs, but does not listen to them. He takes a lot on his shoulders. Uses control to avoid shame.

He considers himself untidy, heartless, a pig, worse than others. tend to merge. He arranges himself so as not to be free, because "to be free" for him means "to be unrestrained." Sometimes he is unrestrained, then he is afraid to cross the line of what is permitted.

Loves the role of mother. Overly sensitive. Punishes himself, believing that he is punishing someone else. Strives, wants to be worthy. Often disgusted. Increased sensuality is combined with shame in sexual behavior. Does not take into account their sexual needs. Plays with food.

Most afraid of: Freedom.

Nutrition: Likes hearty, fatty foods, chocolate. Gluttonous or, conversely, eats in small portions. Ashamed to buy for himself and use "goodies".

Typical diseases: Pain in the back, shoulders, throat, tonsillitis, laryngitis, diseases respiratory tract, legs, feet, varicose veins, sprains, fractures, disorders of the liver, thyroid gland, skin itching, hypoglycemia, diabetes, heart disease.

Diseases of the downtrodden:

Pain in the back and a feeling of heaviness shoulders because the masochist takes on too much. The pain in the back is mainly due to his feeling of unfreedom. Pain in the lower back is associated, as a rule, with material problems, in the upper - with the emotional sphere.

He may get sick respiratory tract when he is suffocated by other people's problems.

Trouble often occurs feet and feet — varicose veins,sprains,fractures When he fears he won't be able to move, he gets himself in physical trouble that really prevents him from moving.

Often interrupted work liver because he is overly concerned with other people's problems.

Pain in throat, sore throats and laryngitis- the inevitable companions of the masochist, because he constantly restrains himself when he wants to say something, and especially - to ask.

The more difficult it is for him to recognize his needs and state his demands, the more likely he is to get sick. thyroid gland.

In addition, the inability to listen to one's own needs often provokes scabies, pruritus. It is known that the expression "I'm itching ..." means "I'm terribly thirsty ...", but the masochist suppresses his desire - he is ashamed to desire his own pleasure.

Another physical problem that I often see in people of the masochistic type is poor pancreatic function and, as a result, hypoglycemia and diabetes. These diseases manifest themselves in persons who hardly allow themselves sweetness and pleasure, and if they do, they are tormented by feelings of guilt and humiliation.

The masochist is predisposed to heart disease because he doesn't love himself enough. He does not consider himself so significant a being as to please himself. The heart sphere in a person is directly related to his ability to enjoy, enjoy life.

Finally, firmly convinced of the inevitability of suffering, the masochist quite often dooms himself to surgical intervention.

The structure of the masochistic character.

Description

Masochism in public opinion is equated with the desire to suffer. I don't think this is true for an individual with this character structure. He suffers, but since he himself is not able to change the situation, the conclusion suggests itself that he wants to remain in it. I'm not talking about people with masochistic perversions, people who want to get hit by their sexual partners. The masochistic character structure describes a person who suffers and whimpers or complains but remains submissive. Submission is the main masochistic trait.

If an individual with a masochistic character demonstrates a subordinate position in external behavior, then he is completely different inside. On a deep emotional level, he has strong feelings: anger, denial, hostility, and superiority. However, they are

are blocked by fear and can break out with inappropriate behavior. The person resists the fear of a breakthrough with the muscle patterns of containment. Thick strong muscles hold back any direct manifestation and allow only whimpers and complaints to pass.

Bioenergetic conditions

Unlike the oral structure, the masochistic one is energetically fully charged. However, the charge is internally fixed, though not "frozen".

Due to strong restraint, the peripheral organs are weakly charged, which does not lead to discharge or release of energy, expressive actions are limited.

The restraint is so strong that it leads to contraction and a sharp decline in the strength of the body. Weakness is observed in the waist area, as the body bends under the weight of its tension.

Up and down impulses are silenced in the neck and waist, which explains the strong tendency of this personality to be anxious.

Stretching of the body, in the sense of lengthening or stretching oneself, is greatly reduced. Reducing stretch causes shortening of the structure described above.

physical characteristics

For the masochistic structure, people with short, thick, muscular bodies are typical.

For unknown reasons, body hair growth usually increases.

A characteristic feature is a short, thick neck showing a retracted head. The waist is correspondingly shorter and thicker.

Another important characteristic is the pulling of the pelvis forward, which can be described more literally as a tucked up and flat back. This posture is similar to a dog with its tail between its legs.

This position of the pelvis, along with tension pressure from above, causes bending or a sharp weakening of the body in the waist area.

In some women, you can see a combination of rigidity in the upper half of the body and masochism in the lower half, expressed by heavy buttocks and thighs, a tightened pelvic floor.

The skin of all people with a masochistic character of a dark shade due to stagnation of energy.

Psychological ratios

Due to the powerful containment, aggression in such individuals is significantly reduced. Similarly, self-affirmation is limited. Instead, there are whining and complaints. Whining is the only sound expression that easily passes through a constricted throat. Instead of aggression, there is provocative behavior that causes a strong reaction from the other person, strong enough to enable the masochist to react irascibly and unrestrainedly.

Stagnation of energy due to strong inhibition leads to a feeling of being "bogged down in a swamp", unable to move freely.

The position of submissiveness and obsequiousness is characteristic of masochistic behavior. On a conscious level, the masochist is identified with the attempt to please; however, on a subconscious level, this position is rejected by bitterness, negativity and hostility. These repressed feelings must be released before the masochist can respond freely to life's situations.

Etiological and historical factors

A masochistic structure develops in a family where love and acceptance are combined with intense pressure. The mother is dominating and sacrificing; the father is passive and submissive.

The dominating, self-sacrificing mother literally suffocates the child, who is made to feel intense guilt for any attempt to assert independence or assert negative attitudes.

Typically strong focus on eating and defecation. This is tantamount to pressure from above and below. “Be a good boy. Please your mom. Eat all your food... Empty your bowels regularly. Let mom see...” and so on.

All attempts to resist, including temporary outbursts of irritation, were suppressed. All people with a masochistic structure in childhood had temporary outbursts of irritation that forced them to stop.

Common experiences were feelings of being trapped, which evoked only a reaction of bitterness, ending in self-abasement. The child saw no way out.

As a child, the patient struggled with a deep sense of humiliation as he tried to "let him loose" in the form of vomiting, pollution, or defiance.

The masochist is afraid to stretch out his arm or leg or stretch out his neck (same for the genitals) for fear that they will be cut off or he will tear himself away from them. There is a strong anxiety about castration in this character. Most powerful is the fear of being cut off from a parental relationship that provided love, but under certain conditions. We will explore the meaning of this in more detail in the next section.

Dance style:

· The masochist always dances willingly and a lot, taking the opportunity to express his sensuality. He dances for the pure pleasure of dancing. His whole appearance says: "Look how sensual I can be."

Vehicle selection:

· The masochist chooses a small, cramped car that barely fits.

Sitting posture:

The masochist sits with his legs spread. In most cases, he chooses a place that is not suitable for him, so he feels uncomfortable.

Fears:

· The masochist is most afraid of freedom. He does not consider and does not feel free because of the many restrictions and obligations that he himself came up with. On the other hand, he seems completely free to those around him, because he usually finds the means and time to do what he decided to do. He does not look back at others when making a decision. Even if what he decides binds him, in the eyes of other people he has complete freedom to change his mind, if he only wants to. His eyes, wide open to the world, show a great interest in everything and a desire to experience as many different experiences as possible.

Injuries by gender:

· The trauma of humiliation is usually experienced with the mother., regardless of gender. That is, a male masochist tends to experience humiliation from females. He usually blames them. If he experiences the trauma of humiliation with a male person, then he blames himself and is ashamed of his behavior or his attitude towards this person. He can also experience this trauma with his father, if he is engaged in his physical education, teaches the child to keep clean, eat, dress, etc. If this is your case, then you just have to apply what was said to the male or female version.

Injury Healing:

your injury humiliated close to healing if you give yourself time to consider whether it meets your needs before you say yes to someone. You already take less on your shoulders and feel more free. You stop creating limits for yourself. You are able to make requests and demands without feeling annoying and unnecessary.

4. Trauma of betrayal - the mask of the controller - psychopathic type

Trait Trauma Characteristics:

Awakening trauma: between two and four years old, with a parent of the opposite sex. The collapse of trust or unfulfilled expectations in the love-sexual sphere. Manipulation.

Mask: Controlling.

Body: Exudes strength and power. The man's shoulders are wider than his hips. A woman's hips are wider and stronger than her shoulders. Chest wheel. Belly too.

Eyes: The gaze is intent, seductive. Eyes that everyone sees at a glance.

Vocabulary: “separate (s)”, “do you understand?”, “I can”, “I can handle it myself”, “I knew it”, “trust me”, “I don’t trust him”.

Character: Considers himself very responsible and strong. Strives to be special and important. Does not keep his promises and commitments or makes an effort on himself to keep them. Lies easily.

Manipulator. Seducer. Has a lot of expectations. The mood is uneven. He is convinced that he is right, and seeks to convince others. Impatient. Intolerant.

Understands and acts quickly. A good performer because he wants to be recognized. Circus. Hard to trust. Doesn't show vulnerability. Skeptic. Afraid to violate or withdraw from an obligation.

Most afraid of: Disconnects; divorce; renunciations.

Nutrition: A good appetite. Eats fast. Adds salt and spices. May not eat for a long time while busy, but then loses control in eating.

Typical diseases: Diseases of control and loss of control, agoraphobia, spasmophilia, disorders of the digestive system, diseases whose name ends in -itis, oral herpes.

Diseases of betrayal:

Agoraphobia due to his fusional subpersonality, as in the dependent. On the other hand, the agoraphobia experienced by the controller is marked predominantly by the fear of insanity, while the mask of the addict is associated with agoraphobia, motivated more by the fear of death. I want to emphasize here that doctors often confuse agoraphobia with spasmophilia (a definition of agoraphobia is given in Chapter 3).

The controller is especially attracted to diseases of control, management - all kinds of violations of work joints throughout the body, and most often knee.

He is most prone to diseases with loss of control in some organs of the body - bleeding, impotence, diarrhea and etc.

When he feels completely helpless in some situation, he can be broken paralysis.

He often has problems with digestive system, especially with liver and stomach.

He is also prone to diseases whose name ends in -it. Here I refer you to my book Your Body Says: Love Yourself!, where it is detailed that these diseases are especially characteristic of persons who, under the influence of their many expectations, are prone to impatience, anger and disappointment.

The controller often has oral herpes- it occurs when, consciously or unconsciously, the controller considers members of the opposite sex to be "nauseous types." In addition, it is a good control to avoid kissing others.

The structure of the psychopathic character.

Description

This character structure requires some preface. This is the only character type that has not been described or analyzed in my previous work. It can be a very complex structure, but for the sake of brevity and clarity, I will describe the simple form of this violation.

The essence of the psychopathic position is the denial of feelings. It is different from the schizoid, which is disconnected from feelings. In the psychopathic personality, the ego or mind turns against the body and its feelings, especially the sexual ones. That is why the term "psychopathy" was coined.

The normal function of the ego is to support the body's desire for pleasure, and not to destroy it to please the mental representation of the ego. In all psychopathic characters there is a great investment of energy in the mental image of the person. Another aspect of this personality is the desire for power and the need to dominate and control.

The reason this type of character is difficult is because there are two ways to gain power over others. One is bullying or overpowering the other; in this case, if a person does not challenge the bully, then he begins to feel like a victim. The second way is to influence a person through a seductive approach, which is very effective against naive people who fall under psychopathic power.

Bioenergetic conditions

There are two body types that correspond to two psychopathic structures. The suppressive type is more easily explained bioenergetically and I use it to illustrate. The acquisition of power over other people is achieved by rising above them.

In this model, a shift of energy towards the head end of the body is noticeable with a concomitant decrease in charge in the lower part of the body. The two halves of the body are markedly disproportionate, with the upper part substantially larger and more dominant in appearance.

The look is wary or incredulous. Such a person does not seek rapprochement with others and does not understand them. This is a characteristic feature of the psychopathic personality. For most, there is a certain amount of constriction around the diaphragm and waist that blocks the flow of energy and feelings down.

The head is energetically overloaded. This means that there is an overexcitation of the mental apparatus, leading to constant thinking about how to gain control and dominance over the situation.

The need for control is also directed against itself. The head is held very tightly (never lose one's head), but it, in turn, holds the body firmly in its power.

Energy relationships are shown in the diagram.

physical characteristics

The body of the suppressive type shows a disproportionate development in its upper part. This gives the impression of a puffed up person and fits his inflated ego image. We can say that this structure outweighs the top.

She is also tough. The lower part of the body can no longer show the weakness typical of an oral character structure.

The body of the second type, which I have called seductive or destructive, is more correct and does not have a puffed-out appearance. The back is usually too flexible.

In both cases, there is a disturbance in the flow of energy between the two halves of the body. In the first type, the pelvis is weakly charged and held rigidly; in the second, it is too charged, but isolated. Both types have obvious diaphragm compression.

There is also noticeable tension in the ocular segment of the body, which includes the eyes and the occipital region.

Also, strong muscle tension can be felt in the cervical region along the base of the skull, in the so-called oral segment. This voltage is associated with the suppression of the beginning pulse.

Psychological ratios

The psychopathic personality needs someone to control, and although it may seem that she controls the person, she herself is also dependent on him. Thus, there is a degree of orality in all psychopathic personalities. They are described in the psychiatric literature as having an oral fixation.

The need to control is closely related to the fear of being controlled. To be in control means to be used. We will see that in the past, individuals with this character structure have struggled for dominance and control between parent and child.

The desire to be at the top, to achieve the goal is so strong that a person cannot allow or allow defeat. Defeat puts him in the position of a victim; ergo, he must be a winner in every situation.

Sexuality is also always used in this power play. He (man) is seductive in his seeming power or in soft secret temptation. Pleasure in sex is secondary to achievement or conquest.

The denial of feelings is usually the denial of needs. The psychopathic maneuver of such a person is to make other people need him so that he does not have to express his needs. Thus, he is always at the center of the world.

Etiological and historical factors

In all types of character, a person's past explains his behavior. I could make a general statement that no man can understand his behavior unless he knows his past.

Thus, one of the main tasks of any therapy is to explain the patient's life experience. In the case of this person, it often seems rather difficult, because the psychopathic tendency to deny feelings includes the denial of experience. Despite this, much has been studied in bioenergetics regarding the occurrence of this problem.

The most important factor in the etiology of this condition is the sexually seductive, misleading parent. The temptation is covered and exists to satisfy the narcissistic needs of the parent. It aims to bond the child to the parent.

A seductive parent is always a rejecting parent, rejecting the child's needs for support and physical contact. The lack of necessary contact and support explains the oral element in this character structure.

A seductive relationship creates a triangle that puts the child in the position of challenging the parent of the same sex. This creates a barrier of necessary identification with the parent of the same sex and further identification with the seductive parent.

In this situation, any achievement of contact makes the child extremely vulnerable. The child will either rise above needs (upward shift) or satisfy their needs through manipulation by their parents (seductive type).

There is also a masochistic element in the psychopathic personality that arises from submission to a seductive parent. The child cannot rebel or leave this situation; he has only internal protection. Submission lies only on the surface; nevertheless, to the extent that the child obeys openly, he acquires some intimacy with the parent.

The masochistic elements are strongest in the enticing or seductive version of this character structure. The initial concession must pass into a masochistic subordinate role. Then, when the seduction has worked and the other person's attachment is strong, the sadistic quality emerges.

The controller has a loud, booming voice.

Dance style:

· Supervisor needs a lot of space. He loves to dance and uses it to seduce. But above all, it is an opportunity for him to show himself. From him comes the call: "Look at me."

Vehicle selection:

· The controller buys a powerful, conspicuous machine.

Sitting posture:

· The controller sits with the whole body leaning back and arms crossed when listening. Having taken the floor, he leans forward to look more convincing in the eyes of the interlocutor.

Fears:

· The controller is most afraid of separation and renunciation.. He does not notice how intensely he himself creates problems and conflict situations, as a result of which he excludes further communication with individual people. Creating, attracting to himself situations in which he renounces someone every time, he at the same time does not see that he is afraid of these situations. Rather, on the contrary, he assures himself that these breaks and renunciations are beneficial for him. He thinks that in this way he does not allow himself to be fooled or used. His sociability and readiness for new acquaintances prevent him from realizing how many people he has deleted from his life. Others see it much better. And his eyes betray him too. When he is angry, they become tough and even inspire fear, which can alienate many from him.

Injuries by gender:

· The trauma of betrayal is experienced with a parent of the opposite sex. That is, the controller usually believes that he was betrayed by persons of the opposite sex, and is inclined to blame them for his suffering or emotions. If he experiences the trauma of betrayal with a person of the same sex, then he mainly blames himself and is angry with himself for not being able to foresee and prevent this experience in a timely manner. It is highly likely that what he perceives as betrayal by those of his gender is in fact an experience that has activated his trauma of injustice.

Injury Healing:

your injury betrayal close to healing if you no longer experience such violent emotions when someone or something upsets your plans. You loosen your grip more easily. Let me remind you: loosening your grip means loosening your attachment to the result, getting rid of the desire for everything to go only according to your plan. You no longer try to be the center of attraction. When you are proud of the work done, you feel good even when others do not notice or do not recognize your merits.

5. Trauma of injustice - mask of the rigid - rigid type

Injustice Injury Characteristics:

Awakening trauma: Between the ages of four and six, with a parent of the same sex. Duty to be efficient and perfect. Blocking individuality.

Mask: Rigid.

Body: Direct, hard and, within the limits of the possible, perfect. Good proportions. Round buttocks. Short stature, tight-fitting clothes or a tight belt. Shackled movements. The skin is light. Clenched jaws. The neck is tense, straight. Posture proud.

Eyes: The look is radiant, alive. The eyes are light.

Vocabulary: "no problem", "always, never", "very good, very kind", "very specific", "exactly", "totally fair", "of course", "do you agree?"

Character A: Strives for excellence. Envious. Detached from his own feelings. Often crosses his arms. Productive - to be perfect. Overly optimistic. Live, dynamic. Often justified. Very reluctant to ask for help.

Laughter over trifles - to hide your sensitivity. The tone of voice is dry and tense. Doesn't admit he has problems. He doubts the correctness of his choice. Compares himself on the principle of "who is better - who is worse."

He hardly accepts anything: he considers it unfair to receive less than others, but even more unfair to receive more.

He very rarely allows himself pleasures, as he usually feels guilty because of them. He does not take into account his limitations, he is too demanding of himself. Controls himself. Likes order. Rarely sick, indifferent or ruthless to his body. Choleric. Cold, unable to show his feelings. Likes to look sexy.

Most afraid of: Coldness.

Nutrition: Prefers salty foods to sweet ones. Loves everything crunchy. Controls himself so as not to get fat. Ashamed and justified when he loses control over himself in food.

Typical diseases: Nervous exhaustion (professional), frigidity (in women), premature ejaculation or impotence (in men). Diseases ending in -it- tendinitis, bursitis, arthritis, etc.

Torticollis, constipation, hemorrhoids, spasms and convulsions, circulatory disorders, liver dysfunction. Varicose veins, skin diseases, nervousness, insomnia, poor eyesight.

Diseases of injustice:

He feels the rigidity of his body as inflexibility or tension at the top back, in neck, as well as in flexible areas (ankles, knees, hips, elbows, wrists, etc.). Rigid ones like to crack their fingers, thus trying to improve their flexibility. In a word, they are able to feel the shell with which their body is bound, but they do not feel what is hidden under this shell.

already mentioned nervous exhaustion.

Diseases whose name has an ending -it: tendinitis, bursitis, arthritis. Any disease with a similar name indicates a very common state of rigidity - suppressed inner anger hidden in the body.

Rigid may suffer from pain or curvature of the neck because it is hard for him to see the wrong, unfair, in his opinion, side of things or events.

Very often seen constipation and hemorrhoids- due to the fact that it is difficult for him to relax, to stop restraining himself in everything.

characteristic of a rigid spasms and convulsions- reactions of a person who tends to cling or hold back because of fear.

Inability to please yourself causes problems blood circulation and varicose veins.

Problems are common dry skin.

acne on the face testify to the fear of making a mistake, losing face, not being at the height of one's own expectations.

Rigid people often suffer psoriasis. They bring this disease on themselves so as not to be too good or too happy - that would be unfair to others. Curiously, psoriasis outbreaks often coincide with holidays, vacations, or a period when everything is going well and happily.

Disorders are often seen liver from repressed anger.

Common occurrence - nervousness rigid., although for the most part they control it well, so that outwardly it is invisible.

Quite often observed insomnia, especially among those rigid ones who do not know how to calm down until they do their job in a timely and flawless manner. They think so intensely about what they have to do that they wake up from it and can no longer sleep.

Violations vision arise due to the fact that it is very difficult for a rigid person to see that he made an unsuccessful decision or incorrectly assessed the situation. He prefers not to see what he considers imperfect; in this case he does not suffer so much. He often uses the expression "It's not clear" - which also does not improve his vision.

Rigid character structure.

Description

The concept of rigidity comes from the tendency of these individuals to hold themselves inflexibly—with pride. The head is carried rather high, the spine is straight. This would be a positive feature were it not for the fact that this pride is protective and the inflexibility unyielding. A rigid character is afraid to give in, equating it with submission or falling. Rigidity becomes a defense against an underlying masochistic drive.

A person with a rigid character is wary of being deceived, used or trapped. His prudence takes the form of restraining impulses from disclosure and dissemination. Restraint also means "keep your back", hence rigidity. The ability to restrain is based on a strong ego position with a high degree of control over behavior. In addition, this is supported by an equally strong position in relation to the genitals, thus focusing the personality's attention at both ends of the body, establishing good contact with reality. Unfortunately, the emphasis on reality is used as a defense against the desire for pleasure, and this is the main conflict in the personality.

Bioenergetic conditions

In this structure, there is a fairly strong charge at all peripheral points of contact with the environment, which favors the opportunity to check reality before taking action.

The containment is peripheral, which allows feelings to flow but limits their expression.

The main areas of tension are the long muscles of the body. Clamps in the flexor and extensor muscles combine with each other and cause rigidity.

Naturally, there are various degrees of rigidity. When the restraint is moderate, the person is animated and vibrates.

The bioenergetic state is shown in the diagram.

physical characteristics

The body of a person with a rigid character is proportional and harmonious. It looks and feels whole and connected. Despite this, you can see some of the elements of violations and distortions described above for other types.

An important characteristic is the liveliness of the body: clear eyes, good skin color, liveliness of gestures and movements.

If the rigidity is severe, then the positive factors mentioned above are correspondingly worsened: coordination and grace in movements are reduced, the eyes lose some luster, and the skin tone may be pale or grayish.

Psychological ratios

People with this character structure are usually worldly oriented, ambitious, competitive and energetic. Passivity is experienced as vulnerability.

A rigid person may be stubborn, but rarely vicious. Part of the stubbornness comes from his pride: he is afraid that if he does not stand his ground, he will look stupid, and therefore reserved. Partly it arises from the fear of submission, that is, of losing freedom.

The term "rigid character" has been adopted in bioenergetics to describe the most common factors in several differently labeled personalities. Thus, it includes the phallic, narcissistic male whose focus is on potency, and the Victorian type of hysterical woman whose character Reich described in Character Analysis, who uses sex as a defense against sexuality. The old-fashioned binding character also belongs to this broad category.

The rigidity of this character is like steel. Rigidity is also seen in the schizoid structure, where, due to its frozen state, its energy system is like ice and very fragile. In general, people with a rigid character manage their lives effectively.

Etiological and historical factors

The past behind this structure is interesting because a person with this character has not experienced severe traumas that create more serious defensive positions.

The most significant trauma here is the experience of disappointment in the pursuit of erotic gratification, mainly at the genital level. This occurs when child masturbation is prohibited, as well as in relationships with a parent of the opposite sex.

The rejection of the child's desire for erotic and sexual pleasure was seen by the child as a betrayal of his desire for love. Erotic pleasure, sexuality and love are synonymous in the mind of a child.

Due to the strong development of the ego, a person with a rigid character does not give up this awareness. As shown in the diagram, his heart is not cut off from the periphery. He or she is a being who acts from the heart, but with the limitation and control of the ego. The desired state would be to give up this control and trust the heart.

Since the open expression of love as a desire for physical intimacy and erotic pleasure is met with rejection by parents, a person with a rigid character takes detours in custody to achieve his goal. He doesn't manipulate like a psychopathic character, but maneuvers to achieve intimacy.

The significance of his pride lies in the fact that he is attached to this feeling of love. Rejection of his sexual love hurts his sense of dignity. Similarly, insulting one's self-esteem is tantamount to rejecting his love.

I have one final note. I have not discussed the treatment of these problems because therapists do not treat types of characters, but people. Therapy focuses on people in their immediate relationship: to his body, to the ground on which he stands, to the people with whom he communicates, and to the therapist. This is the basis of the therapeutic approach. In the background, however, is a knowledge of character, without which the therapist cannot understand the patient and his problems. An experienced doctor can easily move from one area to another without losing sight of them.

Rigid speech is somewhat mechanical and reserved.

Dance style:

· Rigid dances very well, feels the rhythm, despite some stiffness, inflexibility of the legs. He is very attentive, tries not to lose the rhythm. More often than others, she attends dance courses. The most rigid ones stand out with seriousness, hold themselves very straight and seem to count their steps in the dance. They seem to say with their appearance: "Look how well I dance."

Vehicle selection:

· Rigid prefers a classic, working, hardy car - he wants to get full value for his money.

Sitting posture:

Rigid sits perfectly upright. At the same time, he can move his legs and position his whole body strictly symmetrically, which further emphasizes his rigid posture. Sometimes he crosses his legs or arms - when he does not want to feel what is happening.

Fears:

· Rigid is most afraid of coldness. It is difficult for him to recognize coldness, because he considers himself a sincere, warm person who does everything to ensure that harmony and justice reign around him. As a rule, he is loyal to his friends. But people around him often notice his own coldness, not so much in his eyes, but in his dry, hard demeanor, especially when he believes he is being unfairly accused of something.

Injuries by gender:

· The trauma of injustice is experienced with a same-sex parent. That is, a rigid person suffers from injustice on the part of people of his own sex and accuses them of injustice to him. If he experiences a situation that he considers unfair with a person of the opposite sex, then he accuses not this person, but rather himself - of injustice or incorrectness.

Injury Healing:

your injury injustice close to healing, if you allow yourself to be less than perfect, to make mistakes, without falling into a rage and without criticizing yourself. You can afford to show your sensitivity, you can cry in front of others without being afraid of their judgment and without being ashamed of temporarily losing control.

Do you notice how your body changes, how it behaves in different situations? A person is so arranged that he often does not want to see: every change in the physical body is a signal that attracts his attention. Your body is endowed with wisdom, it always reflects what is happening inside (although you may not be aware of it). When your body decides to draw attention to one of the internal processes, it means that it is your Divine essence that shows you your wounds and injuries. If you do not want to see and hear body signals, then you will be doomed to wear masks, hoping that wounds and fears will someday disappear by themselves.

Let's talk about the fear of abandonment and how our body shows us it. This trauma occurs in early childhood, mainly from a lack of communication with a parent of the opposite sex, when children believe that he is not interested in them, withdrawn and does not show love. Trying to hide from himself the fear of being abandoned, a person creates a mask of an addict - a creature in need of love and support.

How does the body reflect the trauma of the abandoned?

Outwardly, a person with such fear can be recognized by the lack of tone in the body. His body says: I can't hold myself, I need support, help. The addict is sure that he is not capable of achieving anything on his own, and his whole body expresses this need for support. This is a man with big, sad eyes of a child who are trying to arouse sympathy, weak legs and long arms, dejectedly hanging along the body and giving the impression of helplessness. Such a person does not seem to know what to do with his hands, especially when they look at him, and tries to put them somewhere. The traumatized abandoned often has a twisted back, as if the spine is unable to support it. He is always looking for something to lean on when standing and has a habit of physically clinging to a loved one (holding a hand, snuggling). When he walks next to other people, he always lets them go ahead, because he wants to be led. People with abandonment trauma are characterized by flabby muscles, a frail physique, and poor health. Their characteristic diseases: back pain, asthma, bronchitis, migraines, hypoglycemia, diabetes, adrenal diseases, myopia, hysteria, depression, rare diseases and incurable diseases, fear of open spaces and crowded places. You can read more about the illnesses of people with abandonment trauma in Liz Burbo's book Five Injuries That Prevent You from Being Yourself.

Addict Behavior

The addict tends to be a victim who creates problems for himself in order to get attention. When he tries by all means to win the favor of others, he is actually looking for opportunities to feel important and significant. As you understand, such a person dramatizes everything: a small problem becomes huge. I think you have ever met people, when you meet them, you are amazed: how many problems they have! At the same time, the addict himself does not see grief in these problems: they bring him joy - the attention of other people! So he doesn't feel left out. A person with a trauma of abandonment finds it difficult to make a decision on his own, so he often turns to others, asking for their advice. He needs a feeling of support! Such a person can attract attention to himself in another way - by playing the role of a benefactor (diseases of the back, on which "the burden of other people's worries is loaded"), will tell about this. Pay attention: such a person often has mood swings: he feels happy, and then suddenly becomes sad, without understanding why.

A dependent person (especially a woman) tends to ask a lot of questions and often has a childish tone of voice when she asks for help. It is difficult for her to accept refusal and, in order to achieve her goal, she uses manipulation and blackmail. The fear of being alone scares the addict the most! He always arranges himself in such a way as to be in someone's company. If, nevertheless, it turns out to be alone, then it is frantically looking for something to do and fill the time. He does everything to be loved and not left alone. He even loves suffering. Look at a woman who lives with an alcoholic or is abused: it is easier for her to endure this hell than to be left alone. Or, for example, a woman pretends not to notice her husband's betrayals: she lives in illusory hope, preferring to assume that everything is in order.

Dependent people easily give vent to tears, blaming others for their pain, who left them in difficult times. The addict feels the need for the presence of others, but does not notice how often he refuses others what he wants for himself. He loves, for example, to surf the Internet, but he hates when his loved one does this: he was left, exchanged for virtual communication, no one needs him. The addict is often anxious (anxiety causes palpitations, fainting, sweating, nausea, shortness of breath, urinary incontinence, etc.), is afraid of bosses, uses the words “alone”, “absent”, sometimes observes uncontrollable visions, captures the emotions and fears of other people.

What to do if you saw in yourself the trauma of the abandoned?

If you see that you have signs of an addict, that you cling to others, curry favor with them out of fear of being left alone, do not panic. Just give yourself the support you need! Become for yourself that source of love that you are looking for! Find some mental image that supports you, and turn to it.

The wound of the abandoned was most likely activated in you by your parent of the opposite sex, and every person of the opposite sex continues to stir it up. As long as you remain angry with a parent (even if unconsciously), your relationships with people of the same gender as that parent will be difficult. Surely your parent went through the same trauma with their parent of the opposite sex (same gender as you). Remember that we blame others for everything we do ourselves, but we do not want to notice. Therefore, the heavier your wound of being abandoned, the more clearly it means that you left yourself, surrendered at some point or left other people, situations, projects.

How to heal yourself?

It is very important to settle relations with parents - only in this way you can stop reproducing the same pattern of transmission from generation to generation of the trauma of the abandoned in your family. To do this, you need to experience your experience in love.

The first step to healing trauma is to be aware of it and accept it (you can resist it, not want to see what the body is saying). Understand that when you created the mask of an addict in order not to suffer, you showed an act of love for yourself. This mask helped you to survive, to adapt to the situation. So thank yourself for that and keep moving on. Now it's time to work on yourself and take off the masks, because you are aware of your trauma. The mask appeared in order to show you that you are afraid of responsibility and do not love yourself enough and trust yourself, so you are looking for outside support. Be grateful to the occasion or the person who touched the wound: this touch says that the wound has not yet healed. But you already know about it!

Remember: the source of your well-being should be what you are and what you do, and not the attention, recognition and support of other people! Your wounds need you to recognize and love them! To love them is to accept that you yourself created them, not by chance, but to help yourself. You need to accept that everything that you fear from others and of which you reproach them, you yourself inflict on others, and especially on yourself. Suffering from the trauma of the abandoned one, you intensify it every time you give up an important matter, do not pay attention to a loved one, do not take care of yourself enough.

The next step to healing is your own permission to be bitter towards your parents. Experiencing the suffering experienced by you in childhood, you will be imbued with sympathy and compassion for the child in yourself. Having passed through yourself anger at your parents, you must leave it and forgive them. In the end, you will become yourself and stop believing that you need your protective mask. You will understand that the lessons that Life gives you must be accepted and passed, and not blocked from them.

Learn to love yourself!

This is true self love! Loving yourself means giving yourself the right to be who you are at the moment, to accept yourself unconditionally, without judging or criticizing. You will be surprised to find that the more you allow yourself to betray, reject and be unfair, the less you do! Learn to be yourself and feel good even in solitude, and gradually your addiction to external attention will pass. If you become aware of your injuries and heal them, then the energy spent on masking the pain will be released, and you will be able to use it to implement creative ideas and ideas - you will build the life you aspire to, while remaining yourself! Remember that God is in you.

Especially for LadySpecial - Katerina Sent

To leave someone also means to leave him, to leave, not to want to deal with him anymore. Many people confuse the concepts of "reject" and "leave". If one of the spouses, for example, decided to reject the other, he pushes him away, drives him away, does not want to see him next to him. If he decided to leave his partner, then he leaves him, leaves, moves away - temporarily or irrevocably.

The abandoned person experiences his trauma predominantly at the level of "have" and "do", and not at the level of "be" characteristic of the rejected. Here are some typical situations that provoke an abandoned trauma in a child.
The baby may feel abandoned:

* if his mother suddenly finds herself very busy due to the arrival of a new baby. This feeling is especially acute in cases where a newborn baby is sick or requires special care. It seems to the abandoned one that his mother has completely left him and is only concerned with the newborn, that it will always be like this now, that he will no longer have his former mother.

* if the parents go to work every day and stay with him for a very short time.

* when he is hospitalized, not allowing his parents to be with him in the hospital. He cannot understand what is happening. He may remember that he behaved badly before this happened, and he will have a suspicion that his parents want to get rid of him, that they are tired of him; in this case, loneliness becomes especially painful. In the same place, in the hospital, he can decide that his parents have left him forever, and even if they visit him daily, the pain of the first suffering, remaining in his memory, will dominate every time. It is this pain that prompts him to create a mask for himself that will protect him from a repetition of suffering.

* when the parents give it away during their vacation - even to the grandmother - for supervision.

* if his mother is constantly ill and his father is absent or too busy to take care of him. The child is left to himself, whether he wants it or not.

I knew a woman who had a severe fear at the age of eighteen when her father died. The pain of loss was multiplied tenfold by the fact that for several years the mother had reminded her daughter that she would kick her out of the house when she came of age, that is, at 21. Rejected by her mother, the daughter now felt abandoned by her father. Horror gripped her. “How will I live without my dad, where will I go when they kick me out of my parents’ house and I’m left all alone?”

Many people who carry the trauma of an abandoned person testify that they suffered from a lack of communication with a parent of the opposite sex in childhood. They found him too withdrawn and accused him of giving the other parent all power. In most cases, these children believed that the parent of the opposite sex was not interested in them.

In my experience, the trauma of the abandoned is inflicted by the parent of the opposite sex. On the other hand, I noticed that often the trauma of the abandoned in children is combined with the trauma of the rejected. The child feels rejected by the parent of the same sex and at the same time abandoned by the parent of the opposite sex - the latter, in his opinion, should have been more involved in him, the child, and not allow the second parent to reject him.

A child may have an experience in which he feels abandoned by a parent of his own gender, but in reality he is experiencing the trauma of being rejected by that parent. How can it be? The fact is that a parent of the same sex with him, not paying attention to him, behaves this way because he rejects himself - and this is exactly what the child feels in the very depths of his soul. When a parent rejects himself and has a child of the same sex as him, it is quite normal and human for him to reject this child, perhaps unconsciously, because the child constantly reminds him of his old trauma. The example of a woman who lost her father at the age of eighteen well illustrates such a double trauma - rejected and abandoned.

With a deeper study of the characters, you will understand that most people have several injuries; True, the level of pain from them is not the same.

Those who carry the trauma of the abandoned are constantly experiencing emotional hunger. Lack of physical nutrition can cause the same injury - usually it occurs before the age of two. In an attempt to hide this trauma from himself, the human being creates a mask DEPENDENT. In what follows, I will use the word dependent to refer to a person suffering from the trauma of being abandoned.

The mask of the addict is characterized by a lack of tone in the body. A long, thin, sagging body indicates a severe injury to the abandoned. The muscular system is underdeveloped; from the side it seems that she cannot keep the body upright, that the person needs help. The body always outwardly exactly expresses what is happening inside. The addict is sure that he is not capable of achieving anything on his own, that he absolutely needs someone's support. And his whole body expresses this need for support. In the addict, it is easy to see a child who wants to help.

The trauma of the abandoned is also betrayed by large sad eyes; they seem to be trying to get our attention. Weak legs and long arms dangling along the body give the impression of helplessness. A person does not seem to know what to do with his hands, especially when they look at him. Another feature of the addict's mask is the location of some parts of the body below normal. Sometimes the back is bent, as if the spine were unable to keep it straight. Other parts of the body also look dangling, flabby - shoulders, breasts, buttocks, cheeks, abdomen, scrotum in men, etc.

As you can see, the most impressive sign of an addict is a severely reduced tone of the muscles and the whole body. As soon as you see a sluggish, relaxed part of the body, you can be sure that the person is wearing the mask of an addict, behind which lies the trauma of an abandoned being.

Remember: the thickness of the mask determines the intensity of the injury. In a person with a pronounced dependence, all of the above signs are observed. If some of these signs are absent, then the wound is not so deep. It is important to know that a person's physical fullness and lack of tone in certain parts of the body, as well as his overweight, are signs of a different kind of injury, which will be discussed in subsequent chapters; here we are talking about the trauma of the abandoned, and it is characterized by a general low tone.

You must also learn to distinguish well between the masks of the fugitive and the addict. Look, somewhere in your environment there are two little people - a fugitive and an addict. Both can have thin wrists and ankles. The main difference is in tone. The fugitive, for all his small stature and frailty, is distinguished by good posture; the dependent looks weak, flabby, exhausted. The fugitive gives the impression that his skin is tightly stretched over his bones, but the muscular system, even if it is not developed, works reliably; the addict has more flesh, but it lacks tone.

If a person suffers from both of these traumas, you will be able to find in his body some signs of a fugitive and some of an addict. The symptom that catches the eye first determines the dominant injury.

Studying others in order to identify their injuries is an excellent exercise for developing intuition. Since the body can tell us so much about the personality, more and more people are trying to change their physical appearance, using all available means for this - aesthetic surgery, weightlifting, etc. But if a person tries to hide his real body from others, then this means that he wants to hide exactly those injuries that correspond to the masked parts of the body.

Only with the help of intuition can we detect these modified parts of the body. I have often had to deal with such people. For example, during a consultation, I notice that my patient has beautiful, firm breasts, although when she came in, it seemed to me that this woman must have saggy breasts. It was like a short flash. I used to trust my intuition, so I ask: “It's strange, I look at you and see beautiful strong breasts, but before that it seemed to me that you had small and saggy breasts; maybe you had an operation? The woman confirms that she really turned to aesthetic surgery, because she did not like her breasts.

Some signs, especially muscle tone - in both women and men - can be much more difficult to notice due to bras, padding on the shoulders or buttocks, and other accessories designed to mislead interested observers. Well, at least the one who looks in the mirror cannot deceive himself. Be that as it may, I recommend trusting your first impression.

I know men who have been involved in weightlifting since their youth, but despite their impressive muscles, the attentive eye will notice a lack of tone in them. We have all seen the sagging, shapeless bodies of some athletes at the end of exercise: this happens only with addicts. If a person has hidden his injury by physical means, it does not mean that he has cured it. I will remind you of the analogy with the wound, which I spoke about in the first chapter: if a person hides the wound under a bandage, puts his hand in his pocket or takes it behind his back, then the wound will not heal from this.

Of the five different types of traumatized, the addict is the most likely to become a victim. There is a very high possibility that one of his parents - and possibly both - were also victims. A victim is a person who always tends to create problems for himself - primarily health problems - in order to attract attention to himself. This responds to the needs of the addict, who constantly feels like he is being given too little attention. When he seems to be trying in every way to get attention, he is actually looking for opportunities to feel important enough to get support. It seems to him that if he fails to attract the attention of such and such a person, then he will not be able to count on him. This phenomenon is clearly seen in addicts when they are still very young. A dependent child wants to be sure that if he does something wrong, then someone will definitely help him out of trouble.

Such a person overdramatizes everything; the slightest incident with her assumes gigantic proportions. If, for example, a husband does not call his wife and say that he will come home late, she assumes the worst and does not understand why he did not call and make her suffer so much. Looking at a person who behaves like a victim, you sometimes wonder how he manages to create so many problems for himself. But the addict himself does not see a big problem in these problems: they bring him the most valuable gift - the attention of other people. So he manages not to feel abandoned. After all, being abandoned for him is incomparably more painful than experiencing the problems he himself created. Only another addict can truly understand this. The more obvious the victim looks like a person, the more severe his trauma, the trauma of the abandoned.

I established another pattern: the victim very often and willingly plays the role of a savior. For example, the addict seeks to take on fatherly responsibilities to his siblings, or seeks an opportunity to save someone he loves from trouble. These are more subtle ways to attract attention. On the other hand, if the addict does a lot of services to another person, then he usually counts on compliments, he wants to feel like an important person. Such a desire often becomes the cause of back diseases, since other people's duties are thrown on it.

The addict has periods of ups and downs. For a while he feels happy, everything is going well, and then suddenly he becomes sad and unhappy. He even asks himself why this is happening, because changes happen for no apparent reason. With a good search, he may discover his fear and loneliness.

Support from other people is the form of help that the addict needs most.

Regardless of whether it is difficult or easy for him to make decisions on his own, he usually first turns to others, asking for their opinion or approval. He needs a sense of support in his decisions. Because of this, it may seem that people of this type find it difficult to decide on something specific, but in fact they doubt their decision only in cases where they do not feel supported. Their expectations of others depend on how those others can help them. In any case, real physical help is not as important for the addict as the feeling of support for his deeds and intentions from the other person. When he is supported, he perceives it as help and love.

The addict may appear lazy due to the fact that he does not like to be active or physically work alone; he needs someone's presence, if only for moral support. If he does something for others, he expects affection in return. If his expectations are justified and a pleasant relationship develops, he tries to prolong this state. When the collaboration ends, he says: "What a pity it ended". He perceives the end of something pleasant as if he had been abandoned.

A dependent personality with victim traits, especially a woman, tends to ask a lot of questions and often has a childish timbre of voice. This is evident in those situations when she asks for help; she has difficulty accepting refusal and usually insists on her request. The more she suffers, having received a refusal, the more persistently she seeks means to achieve her goal, uses manipulation, capriciousness, blackmail, etc.

The addict often seeks advice because he is not confident in his ability to complete the task on his own, but he rarely listens to the advice he receives. In the end, he does as he himself wanted, because, in fact, he needed not advice, but support. When he walks with other people, he lets them go ahead, as he prefers to be led. He believes that if he does his job well himself, then no one else will do it, and then isolation, loneliness will come, and he wants to avoid this at any cost.

Loneliness really scares the addict more than anything else. He is convinced that he cannot cope with loneliness. Therefore, he clings to others and does everything in order to win their attention. He resorts to all kinds of tricks, if only he was loved, if only he was not left alone. For the sake of this, he endures the most painful situations for a long time and patiently. His fear is expressed in the following thoughts: “What am I going to do alone? What will happen to me? How can I be? He is often torn apart by internal conflicts, because, on the one hand, he requires a lot of attention, and on the other hand, he is afraid to demand it, as this can burden and annoy others, and then they will leave him.

The addict is judged by how he endures prolonged suffering, and it is concluded that he loves this suffering. In fact, he does not accept them. Look at a woman who is beaten by her husband or who lives with an alcoholic. Most likely, it is easier for her to endure this nightmare than to remain alone. She lives in hope, emotional, illusory hope. She does not acknowledge her trauma: if she acknowledged it, she would be forced to re-experience the suffering that this trauma represents.

The addicted person has the most powerful ability to see no problem in their partner. She prefers to assume that everything is in order, as she is afraid of being abandoned. If a partner announces that he is leaving her, she suffers incredibly, because, not wanting to see problems, she did not expect this. If this is your case, if you see that you are clinging, fawning out of fear of being alone, give yourself support. Find some mental image, imagine something that supports you. Do not give up when moments of despair come and it seems that no one can help you. Yes, sometimes it happens that there is no way out, but there is always a way out. If you can give yourself support, the light will appear and you will find a way out.

The addict does not like the word "leave." For example, when a person with him says to him: "I have to go, I have to leave you", the addict's heart shrinks. The mere word “leave”, even heard on the phone, raises a storm of emotions in him. In order for him not to feel abandoned, the partner must explain to him the reason for his departure, without using the words “leave” or “leave”.

When an addict feels abandoned, he is sure that it means too little that he is not worthy of the attention of another person. When I was in the company of an addict, I noticed many times that as soon as I looked at the clock to check the time (and with my busy schedule I do this often), his face changes. I can feel how this simple gesture hurts him. The addict automatically concludes that my affairs are more important to me than he is.

It is difficult for such a person to leave a place or part with a company. Even if where he is going to go or go, he will be fine, he is still sad at the thought of separation. When an addict goes on a trip for several weeks, it is very unpleasant for him to leave his family, home, work; but, once in a new place, he will soon get used to it and will feel the same sadness when the time comes to part with this place and new acquaintances.

Sadness is the strongest of the emotions that an addict has to experience. He feels it in the most hidden depths of the soul, unable to understand or explain where it comes from. In order not to feel this sadness, he seeks the company of other people. But it can also go to the other extreme - to retire, to leave a person or situation that causes sadness and a feeling of loneliness in him. He does not realize that he himself is leaving someone. In moments of crisis, he can reach the thought of suicide. As a rule, he only talks about it, trying to scare others, but does not get to the point, since, in essence, he is only looking for support, sympathy. If he does attempt suicide, it is unsuccessful. But if, after several attempts, no one sympathizes with him and does not support him, he can really commit suicide.

The addict is afraid of all bosses and powerful people. People with an imperious voice or imperious manners seem to him cold and indifferent, and they do not seem to notice him, insignificant, at all. For the same reason, he is very kind and friendly with others, sometimes even excessively and forcedly. He hopes that through this behavior, others will become friendly and considerate, and not cold and arrogant.

The addict often uses the words "alone" and "absent." Talking about childhood, for example, he says that he was often left alone, that his father and mother were absent. He can admit that he suffers from loneliness, experiences severe anxiety, fear of being abandoned. It seems to him that life would be incomparably better if someone was nearby. You can feel lonely, but not suffer from it. The degree of anxiety reflects the intensity of suffering. The feeling of loneliness gives rise to a certain haste, tension in a suffering person; he is afraid that what he so longs for will not be his, or it will be taken away from him at any moment.

What lies behind the feeling of loneliness? The one who suffers from it, unconsciously fences himself off from the one whom he would so like to see next to him. He does not open his soul to accept these people into it - for fear that he will not withstand contact with them. He is also afraid of the emotions that he may have in response to their attention. Such behavior is not uncommon and easy to notice: a person clearly interferes with his own happiness. As soon as the relationship becomes closer, he looks for a way to end it.

Dependent people easily give in to tears, especially when it comes to their misfortunes and problems. In their sobs, one can hear accusations against other people who abandoned them in a difficult moment. They blame GOD himself for leaving them. They do not want to see how often they themselves leave others. They do not realize how many undertakings are abandoned halfway. Their egos are constantly playing tricks on them, as they are on all of us.

The addict feels a need for the presence and attention of others, but does not notice how often he refuses others what he requires for himself. He loves, for example, to sit in an armchair and read a book, but he cannot stand it when his wife (husband) does the same. He likes to go somewhere alone, to retire, but if a person close to him does the same, he feels abandoned and unhappy. He thinks: "Of course, I'm not such an important person as to take me with him." He is just as painfully experiencing the situation when he is not invited to any meeting or meeting, where, for all reasons, they should have been invited; he feels deep despondency - they left him, no one needs him.

The addict has a habit of physically clinging to the loved one. A child, a little girl clings to dad, a boy clings to mom. In a married couple, the dependent holds the hand of the other, presses or often touches him. Standing on his feet, the addict usually seeks support - a wall, a door jamb, etc. Yes, and sitting, he strives to lean on his elbows, lean, fall apart - just do not stay straight; it seems that his back cannot withstand its own weight and leans forward.

When you see a person in a public meeting trying to get attention, take a closer look at their body and you can tell if they are addicted. There are always people in my seminars who are eager to find out something privately - during a break, before or after class. And every time I see the mask of the addict. I usually ask them to ask their questions during class because the questions are relevant and of common interest to all participants. But a new lesson begins, and they most often neglect my request. The fact is that they are really interested only in my attention addressed to them personally. Sometimes I offer such patients private therapy in which they can get as much attention as they want; but such a path is also not strewn with flowers: their wound is not so much healed as it receives additional nourishment.

Another way to attract attention is to win a public position or position that opens access to a wide audience. Many singers, actors, circus performers and other workers in the pop and theater world, performing in front of a large audience, are dependent people. For them, the main thing is to be a star, and it does not matter in what role.

In private counseling, more than anyone else, the addict is prone to transference to their therapist. In essence, he is looking for support and sympathy from the doctor, which his parent or spouse has denied him. My friend, a psychologist, told me how her patient made her a scene of jealousy when she told him that she and her husband would go on vacation for the next two weeks, and her colleague would conduct the sessions instead of her. It was through this scene that she discovered that the patient had transferred his feelings to her. After checking, it turned out that he was a typical addict. I take this opportunity here to warn all those who have to provide psychological assistance to other people: be especially careful with patients experiencing the trauma of an abandoned person - you risk being the object of transference.

The addict easily identifies himself, "merges" with others and therefore tends to consider himself responsible for their happiness or misfortune, just as he considers them responsible for his troubles and joys. Such a mentally unbalanced person deeply feels the emotions of other people and easily succumbs to their influx. The desire to merge gives rise to all sorts of fears and can even lead to agoraphobia. I will repeat here the description of agoraphobia from my book Your Body Says Love Yourself!

This phobia is a morbid fear of open spaces and crowded places. This is the most common of the phobias. Women suffer from it twice as often as men. Many men cover up their agoraphobia with alcohol. They prefer to become alcoholics, just not to show this strong and uncontrollable fear. Agoraphobe often complains of constant anxiety and especially anxiety, sometimes reaching panic.

Anxious situation causes reactions in the agoraphobe - physiological, which can cause panic (palpitations, fainting, muscle tension or weakness, sweating, shortness of breath, nausea, urinary incontinence, etc.), cognitive (feeling of unusualness, foreignness; fear of losing control, getting off mind, survive public humiliation, lose consciousness, die, etc.) and behavioral (avoiding situations that can cause anxiety, as well as avoiding places that seem too far from a safe haven or a reliable person). Most agoraphobes suffer from hypoglycemia.

The fear and emotions of the agoraphobe are so strong that he tends to avoid situations from which it is difficult to get out. Therefore, he should always see a close person next to him who will help to be saved in difficult times; you also need a safe haven where you can always hide. There are also those agoraphobes who eventually stop leaving the house altogether. They always find the most valid reasons for this. Their terrible premonitions never come true. Most agoraphobes in childhood were deeply dependent on their mother and felt responsible for her happiness, also obliged to help her in her maternal role. An agoraphobe can significantly improve his emotional state if he manages to improve relations with his mother.

Agoraphobes experience their strongest fear at the thought of death or insanity. After looking at the agoraphobes that I met in almost all my seminars over the years, I came up with interesting generalizations about agoraphobia, thanks to which I was able to help hundreds of people who suffer from it. Their fears stretch from childhood, in which they had to endure loneliness, isolation. Favorable conditions for the development of agoraphobia occur when among relatives and friends there is an increased mortality or cases of insanity. Perhaps the agoraphobe himself experienced the nearness of death in childhood, or someone's death or insanity made too much impression on the whole family.

The agoraphobe experiences the fear of death at all levels, although he is not really aware of it. He considers himself unable to endure changes in any area, since they represent for him a symbolic death. That is why the actual changes in his life cause him the most severe attacks of anxiety and increase his agoraphobia. Such changes can be transitions from childhood to adolescence and then from youth to maturity, from single life to married life, a change of job, moving, pregnancy, accident, divorce, birth and death of loved ones, etc.

For many years, his anxieties may be hidden and unconscious, but in a situation where the blocks of his mental and emotional control fail, the agoraphobe will no longer be able to contain his fears, and they will become conscious and obvious.

Agoraphobe is also characterized by unlimited and uncontrolled imagination. He imagines situations that go far beyond reality, and feels that he is unable to cope with these visions. This unaccountable mental activity frightens him - he does not even dare to talk about it, for fear of being branded crazy. It is very important to understand that this is not insanity, but only excessive and poorly controlled sensitivity.

If you recognize yourself in the characteristics listed above, then know that this is not madness and that one does not die from this. It's just that as a child you opened your soul too much to the emotions of other people, you believed that you were responsible for their happiness and their failures. As a result, you have become too nervous, because you cannot constantly be on your guard and prevent all other people's misfortunes. That's why you pick up on other people's emotions and fears when you're in a crowded place. The most important thing for you is to learn to correctly understand responsibility. The kind of responsibility you have believed in up to now does not suit you. The correct concept of responsibility is included as an integral part in all training courses of the center Listen to Your Body.

The dependent type of character I have found in most of the agoraphobes I have met so far. If you refer to the above description of agoraphobia, you will find there a mention of the fear of death and insanity. When an addict dies someone dear to him, he feels abandoned. Each time, it becomes more and more difficult for him to accept anyone's death, as each death stirs up his trauma of the abandoned and increases agoraphobia. I have found that a person who is dominated by the trauma of the abandoned has a particularly strong fear of death; if the trauma of betrayal prevails, then the fear of insanity is stronger. I will talk about the trauma of betrayal in Chapter 5.

A dependent, merging mother craves love from her child and does everything to make him feel how much she thinks about him. The love of other people, especially loved ones, supports addicts, helps them to stand on their own two feet. More than once I heard from addicts: “I can’t stand it when someone doesn’t love me; I'm willing to do anything to fix the situation." When an addict says, “This is very important, call me and let me know when you have news,” what he really wants to say is, “When you call me, I feel important.” By all means, he achieves that others make him feel needed, to be reckoned with; he himself cannot believe it.

When an addict is faced with the problems that his own addiction creates, at such moments he wants to be independent. Considering yourself independent is a very common reaction among addicts; they love to tell others how independent they are! Meanwhile, this trauma of the abandoned one only intensifies and masks it even more, since distracting conversations do not cure it.

For example, a dependent person, a man or a woman, does not want to have a child, hiding behind the desire to maintain their independence. Often a dependent man in this way hides his fear that the child will take away his wife's attention from him. A dependent woman is more often afraid that she will be crushed by all the responsibilities that the birth of a child imposes on her. On the other hand, if she wants to have children, she prefers the period when they are small and depend on her the most. It helps her feel important. In essence, the addict needs autonomy, not independence. In the last chapter, I will show you how to achieve this.

Similar behavior is typical for the addict in sexual life. He often uses sex in order to bind the other more tightly to himself. It is especially popular with women. When a dependent person sees that a partner desires her, she feels more important. I can say that of the five types, the one who loves sex the most is the one who is afraid of being abandoned. Usually he wants sex more than a partner, and it is not uncommon to notice that it is those who complain more than others about the lack of sexual pleasures that suffer from the trauma of the abandoned and wear the mask of the addict.

If a dependent woman does not want love pleasures, then she will not tell her husband about it. She will prefer to imitate pleasure, because she does not want to miss the opportunity to feel desired. I also knew women who were happy with a threesome life, when each knew that her husband was making love to the other in the next room. A dependent man pretends not to know anything about his wife's lover. These people prefer to endure such situations so as not to be abandoned. They prefer not of their own free will - they are simply ready for anything, just not to lose their spouse.

As far as nutrition is concerned, an addict can eat a lot without gaining weight. Since he is internally tuned to the fact that he always lacks everything, his body also receives the corresponding message while eating. And react accordingly. When a person eats very little but thinks they are overeating, their body gets the message that they are overeating and reacts as if they really have eaten too much. As a result, the body gains weight.

In the previous chapter, I mentioned that the runaway is prone to anorexia and the addict is prone to bulimia. My observations lead me to conclude that when an addicted man is bulimic, he "eats" his mother: he misses her sorely. When bulimia manifests itself in a dependent woman, she misses her father. If these addicts do not have a replacement for the missing parent, they transfer to food. By the way, they very often use the words "devour", "absorb": "This child absorbs all my energy" or "All my time is devoured by the service."

The addict prefers soft foods. As a rule, he eats a lot of bread with pleasure, which for him symbolizes the land-nurse. He loves leisurely food, especially if others participate in the meal with him, he tries to prolong this pleasant process and attention to himself. On the contrary, in solitude, and even more so outside the home, the addict takes food reluctantly. Being at odds with the word "leave", the addict always tries not to leave anything on the plate. All this happens outside of his consciousness.