There is not a single person in the world who would not give a damn about the opinions of others. No matter how much we convince ourselves that we don’t care, it is extremely difficult to avoid someone else’s influence.

And the more people around us, the more opinions, the more time and nerves we spend on them. Would you like to spit on all this, close your eyes and ears and get out of the terrible shackles of this addiction forever?

Saying "don't listen to them" or "don't look at them" is very easy. To do so, of course, is much more difficult.

The boundaries of other people's estimates

Saying "don't listen to them" or "don't look at them" is very easy. To do so, of course, is much more difficult. On the street, at work, in the subway, at home, we are surrounded by a huge number of people. Just imagine: you are walking down the street in a new dress, it is made especially for you, to order, and not a single person in the world will walk in the same one. However, there are those people from the crowd who cast an angry and contemptuous look at you. Different thoughts begin to fly in your head about this at breakneck speed: his look was a manifestation of envy or ... What if this dress does not suit me, what if I look too fat, what if it is not carefully ironed? A self-confident girl will say: “Pure envy, I won’t even be nervous.” And the insecure will worry, because she depends on someone else's opinion.

Here is another example from my personal life. A charming young man looks after you, he gives you beautiful bouquets and expensive chocolate, he wants to please your mother and does not forbid you to meet with friends. Everything would be fine, but only girlfriends, for example, “notice” that your boyfriend is rude to women, they supposedly “saw how badly he did” with such and such a lady. This information is verified, because it was reported by some unknown friend of your friend Masha from the fifth entrance. She added that your gentleman is not so good-looking. And thoughts are again in your head: “What if he really is a rough chump with an outstanding appearance?” As you can see, someone else's assessment can relate to our appearance, work, study, personal life - all areas in which we are. In addition to strangers to us passers-by, distant girlfriends and best friends, there are also close relatives, whose opinion we also especially listen to. After all, we live among these people, who often determine who we are and what we represent. That is why it is wrong to completely renounce and not be interested in other people's views, you just need to adequately distinguish between simply public opinion and a terrible dependence on it.

6 answers to the question "What to do"

• 1 Realize the equality of people before each other

  The worst thing for people with a similar problem is the negative reaction of others, which can be expressed both in words and in assault. However, often words are much more afraid. Therefore, first you need to clearly decide for yourself that for every negative reaction there is a positive one. The opinion of one person is not more important and not more correct than yours, because all people, despite the fact that they are individual in their views, are equal in their rights.

• 2 Decide on your goals in life

  A person who does not know what he wants from life is constantly confused in a series of other people's opinions. He has not yet set his priorities, so the phrase said by a familiar person is perceived as a kind of call to action. If you are worried about the negative opinion about a potential groom, think about what you like and don’t like about him, what character traits you can ignore, and which ones are especially important. After you decide, think about the words of the interlocutor: is the information that he tells you so important?

• 3 Remember your victories

  Think about what things you have done and what you have achieved in a particular area on your own. We are sure that behind your back is an excellent track record of victories that you have achieved thanks to your efforts and character traits.

• 4 Get into your soul

  This stage is one of the most difficult. Its main tasks are to mentally simulate situations that are unpleasant for you, to remember what has ever happened to you or could happen to you. Next, think about what mistakes you made, as a result of which you began to focus on someone else's opinion. See if there is any benefit for your interlocutor in that you began to think in the same direction. Answer the question for yourself, only honestly and frankly: why are you afraid to resist someone else's opinion? Learn to listen to yourself.

• 5 Overcome the fear
• 6 communicate more

  Remember the phrase: "How many people, so many opinions"? To hear different points of view, communicate more, make new friends, say goodbye to old ones, replenish the phone book with new numbers and be sure to call. Learn to speak and express your opinion.

The realization that you are no longer dependent on what the other person has said does not come immediately. It may take a month, or even a year, before you catch yourself thinking that the opinion of another person is just his thought and point of view, which has the right to exist, you can listen to it, but it is not a guide to action.

Scientists of the Middle Ages classified love as a serious disease. Indeed, often, our too strong attachment is much more like a mental deviation than tender feelings. The problem is that usually we ourselves are not able to notice the first signs of "illness". Recollecting ourselves only when our loved ones run away from us, in fear of not getting out of the unequal struggle alive. From now on, your loved one no longer just lives next to you, he turns into the center of the universe in the truest sense of the word, which determines all the events of your life without exception, now you adjust your plans and aspirations to him, forgetting about your own desires, and then they and completely disappear, giving way to strangers. From now on, every word of your husband is law for you, and, what is most unpleasant, not only for you, but also for everyone around you. All this seems to you manifestations of real strong love. In fact, psychologists have long found a much more precise definition for this - addiction.

Love is not addiction

Depending on the person, especially if it is one-sided there is nothing good. Such relationships are more like intense surveillance: if a loved one is not around, your thoughts are occupied only by him alone, you are not able to independently take on any business, much less solve problems on your own, you seem to be unable to sleep and eat peacefully . Simply put, in the absence of a loved one, your life ends. Well, it’s very good for a woman in love, however, that’s the problem: falling in love ended three years ago, and the manic desire to be together all the time remained.

There is nothing wrong with being apart for some time, believe me, this does not mean at all that you immediately need to indulge in all serious, get involved in dubious adventures and have fun in the most original ways. Not at all. Try to be alone with yourself, think about your plans for the future, which, believe me, will not always be associated with a loved one. Moreover, sometimes it’s not bad at all to go on vacation alone or at least to escape into nature for a couple of days - short respite only strengthens relationships.

partnership

Relationships, if we are talking about a long-term relationship, are far from a constant holiday and entertainment. The first passion tends to end rather quickly, and then you need to somehow settle in a new life in which you are now not alone, there are two of you. Perhaps it will be a discovery for you that a man has a huge number of his own desires or even demands, discontents, problems and needs that need immediate satisfaction.

To solve the problems of one person together, not so much is needed, in fact: partnership. Forget for a while that you are lovers, become a real friend to your man, because usually this is exactly what a man hopes for when choosing a life partner. Do not demand from your chosen one that he is not able to provide you. After all, if a man is given freedom and his right to self-determination is respected, he himself, out of gratitude and reciprocal respect, will fulfill all the desires of a woman. Remember, a man owes nothing to a woman, and a woman is no weaker than a man to claim any privileges. We are completely different, but, nevertheless, we are equal.

What to do

• Analyze your habits and write down on a piece of paper the ones that cause the most harm to your relationship and yourself.
• Identify the qualities that can help women be independent and happy, instead of completely dissolving into a relationship.
• On the same piece of paper, create a list of compelling reasons why it's important to change your habits.
• Dive into memories. Remember your life before meeting the man of your dreams, and now honestly admit to yourself what it has become now. Try to return back to your everyday life, everything that you refused in the name, remember: after all, the man in whom you have now dissolved liked you as a whole - with all your shortcomings and hobbies. Become the same - and then he will fall in love with you again.

Before doing something, people often ask themselves the question: “What will my friends, relatives, colleagues, passers-by think of me?”. Each person had situations when he completely succumbed to someone else's influence and painfully reacted to the opinions of others.

For example, you dreamed of becoming a programmer, but your parents insisted on going to medical school because your grandmother was a doctor. You were engaged in ballroom dancing, and a friend called this hobby unfashionable and offered to go to the gym with her. You wanted to see a new movie starring your favorite actor, but colleagues at work said that the movie is disgusting and not worth wasting time on.

So many, to the detriment of their desires and interests, become completely dependent on the opinions of others. Such people can no longer take an independent step and are constantly waiting for someone else's approval or praise. At the same time, they do not realize that such an addiction greatly harms their personal development and interferes with building their own lives.

CAUSES AND CONSEQUENCES OF DEPENDENCE ON ANOTHER OPINION

In childhood, parents absolutely decide everything for the child. Without taking into account the opinion of the baby, they choose food, clothes, toys. Despite the fact that even a baby has its preferences. For example, some children like fruit puree, while others prefer vegetable puree. Often, parents criticize the child's friends and, pointing out their shortcomings, demand that communication be stopped.

They can also impose friendship with certain children on a son or daughter: “Mashenka from the second entrance is a good student and dances. You need to get to know her." Under the influence of such pressure, the child becomes secretive. He does not tell anyone about his experiences, because he is afraid to hear criticism and disapproval. But in adolescence, he openly conflicts with his parents, trying to defend his own opinion. Of course, adults can be understood, because they only want the best for the child.

However, pursuing good intentions, many parents impose their personal opinion on children as the only correct one. First they buy things to their taste, then they find the “right” friends, choose a prestigious university and, in their opinion, a suitable life partner. At the same time, parents do not think that a person dependent on others in everything is a potential loser.

After all, friends once imposed may turn out to be dishonorable people. A specialty obtained at a prestigious university is not of interest. A person has no desire to work by profession. And the excellent student Mashenka, the one that her parents liked, turned out to be a caring wife, but not at all the woman with whom I would like to live my whole life.

Such a person is unhappy and dissatisfied with the current situation. At the same time, he cannot change anything, because he depends on the opinions of others and does not know how to live with his own mind. In addition to parents, friends are also able to impose their hobbies and behavior. They advise buying things in certain stores, buying the same car and choosing resorts where they themselves once rested. Colleagues at work may begin to evaluate professional qualities and even make comments about appearance.

How does this kind of addiction affect a person's life:

• Loss of your own "I". One gets the impression that others put pressure on and suppress the personal opinion of the individual. Under such influence, the ability to independently build one's life and make decisions on one or another issue is lost.
• The Need for External Evaluation. Such people need comments and approval of their actions and actions. A different reaction is regarded as an instruction on the true path. A person who has such an addiction is influenced by absolutely everyone around him.
• Indisputable opinion of parents. A child, for whom even in childhood parents always made decisions, already in adulthood often depends on their opinion. Such people remain attached to the assessment of their relatives and are unable to contradict them, although they have the opposite view. Such attachment may lead to the inability to exist independently.
• Failure to defend one's position. If in childhood the baby was constantly subjected to pressure from peers or elders, having matured, he will not be able to lead a discussion. He will no longer want to prove his point. It will be easier for him to agree, and push his opinion into the background.
• Wanting to be like everyone. A person with a similar position is afraid to stand out from the crowd and tries to live according to the principles of the herd. It is always important for such people to know that they are not worse than others, but like everyone else.
• Avoiding Responsibility. Personalities who have these qualities are capable of deception, they cannot be relied upon, because they avoid responsibility in every possible way. A person who moves away from solving serious issues is not welcome in the work team.

With the advent of the Internet dependence on the opinions of others is clearly demonstrated in social networks. People post photos of various subjects on their pages: wedding, babies, travel, gym, food, shopping, pets. All this so that others can see what a rich life a person has.

It comes to the point of absurdity when photos of breakfasts, lunches and dinners are posted on social networks. Photos can be accompanied by comments: "My morning yummy" or "Delicious shrimp for dinner." People expect approval from others, response comments and, of course, likes.

They constantly go to the page to check who else liked their publication and rejoice like children after reading the positive comments of their friends. Such people do not leave the thought: “What will my friends say if I post a photo of my new car?” or "Let everyone see our wedding." A person wants to assert himself, show his importance and misses the moment when he becomes painfully dependent on someone else's opinion.

Causes of dependence on an outside opinion:

• Weak character. People with this trait are easily influenced from outside.
• Man guided by his essence. Such individuals avoid responsibility and are unable to make decisions on their own.
• Bad experience. Appears in childhood, when parents stopped the child's initiative to do something on their own. With age, there is no need to manage your life, and this feature is shifted onto the shoulders of friends or relatives.
• Low self-esteem. This quality does not make it possible to defend one's interests, but on the contrary, it makes a person close up so as not to cause extraneous condemnation.
• Lack of love in childhood. In adult life, the individual craves to attract attention, begging for approval or condemnation from outsiders. These actions help him feel that he is not an empty place.
• Created stereotypes. If a child is praised for all his actions (he ate, woke up, went to the toilet, etc.), he lives in fear of doing something wrong and therefore is always guided by other people's advice.

People are born into the world with established principles and moral standards. All further life is to conform to society. But some believe that someone else's opinion will set them on the right path and help them stay on track. This kind of dependence can ultimately lead to a loss of individuality, an inability to make decisions independently.

So a person subject to someone else's influence changes his behavior in order to please others. Such changes are contrary to internal beliefs. However, a person is much more worried about what colleagues will say, what friends will think, and how parents will react.

HOW TO GET RID OF DEPENDENCE?

Simple enough. You need to understand yourself, to understand the individual reasons for such a painful dependence on someone else's opinion.

And a simple exercise will help in this, specially designed to separate what you really need from what was imposed on you, and you dutifully drag it - like someone else's luggage.

This exercise is simple, however, like everything simple, it is brilliant. Try it and you will be surprised by the results. To perform this exercise, teamwork is not needed at group psychotraining, it is performed alone.

All you need is a blank sheet of paper, a pen and an hour of free time. So…

Divide the sheet with two vertical lines into three columns, and then, divide this sheet with horizontal lines into lines - as many lines as you want.

The first (left) column will be called " I am Real". Second (middle) column - « I'm Perfect" . The third (right) column will be called " What for? »

Real and ideal me

After thinking, make a numbered list of those of your qualities and characteristics that you consider to be shortcomings. For example: “I have 6 extra pounds” or “I'm afraid to speak in front of people”, etc.

After you have made your list in the left column, take each statement and reformulate it, as if continuing the following phrase: “And ideally I…” and then you get something like this: And ideally, I weigh 70kg! Or: Ideally, I am happy to speak in front of a full house and inspire people to great deeds!

Look at what happened. You see - according to the results of this exercise, your goals and desires are revealed. Realistic or unrealistic goals? Yours or not? In order to accurately answer these questions, you need to fill out the third column "Why?"

What for?

Why do you need to lose weight? Why be able to speak to people (if, for example, you are an accountant)? How does this or that quality-skill-lack interfere with your life? And do they interfere? You can put question marks if it suddenly becomes clear that you live well with this “flaw”.

Column "Why?" must be completed thoughtfully and honestly. Those places where your hand itself puts down eloquently perplexed question marks - these are unrealistic and unnecessary goals for you. It's possible they just aren't for you. It happens that you can’t put anything in a line, except for a number of questions ...

Remember your childhood. A tired and capricious child reaches for the 25th typewriter in the store. “I want!” the child cries.

"What for?" - a calm adult asks him stoically, - “Why do you need this toy?”

So you think, do you need this toy or maybe you can be absolutely happy without it?

If you want to become an independent person, then listen to yourself more often. You need to go your own way, and not copy the lives of friends and relatives. Let your children make choices so they don't depend on other people's opinions.

Dependence on someone is experienced in different ways. Someone gladly gives all the care of a loved one to another person. Others, on the contrary, run away from addiction as soon as it smells.

However, no matter what kind of person you are, being in order, not getting into difficult relationships and vile stories will help you acquired three kinds of independence. Once you have them, you can freely go to any goal.

1. Financial independence. Own source of income

They say to the child: “We won’t buy it, you behaved badly.”

They say to a woman: “I won’t buy you a fur coat, I didn’t deserve it.”

What then is the difference? Why is this person considered an adult?

In fact, the first thing an addicted or fearful person should do is to provide their bread and their roof over their heads.

Believe me, if you are sure that with your profession or skills you are able to provide yourself with minimal benefits (you will survive anyway) - you will never agree to remain in an extremely difficult relationship. This is the answer to the question of how not to depend on others. First of all, make sure that there is no leverage left on you.

Then a partner, boss, parent, or God knows who else, who will take you to “patronize”, and it won’t occur to you to threaten you with a piece of bread. Because you are capable - and yourself.

If you are not yet able, hurry up to take care of it. Get an education. Go to work. Get skills and experience. In any case, they will remain yours - for life. Good investment, right?

2. Emotional independence

“You are a bad daughter, son, grandson, worker, spouse, man, woman” and thousands of other roles. Behind them is the desire to “rise up” at your expense: something like “I have the right to judge you”.

“It’s your fault that my heart hurts, it hurts in my side, I gave birth to you in pain, I got sick because of you, I lost money, the only chance in life.” This keeps guilt on a tight leash.

“I need you desperately, I won’t survive without you, I’m trying for you, I really need you, I love you so much” - the soft pillow of passive aggression smoothly lowers, blocking the breath of the potential “rescuer”.

Emotional independence is gained from the experience “I am good enough, I have the right to live, I have the right to desire.” If you didn’t have such a childhood at all, and now you sometimes doubt your right, the right to your desires (not to realize them, but at least to desire and look for how to attach them in this life) - welcome to your own main birthright.

And then the question of how not to depend on others emotionally does not arise.

Your legs will not be in those relationships where you have to pay for love:

obedience,

Time that you are not ready to devote to a person voluntarily,

With money you didn't mean to give

and many others.

3. Independence from the opinions of other people

There is such a belief: "You can not refuse an authoritative opinion." For some, the authority is mother, for another - Ivan Petrovich, for the third - a completely fictional character. It is also impossible to abandon the generally accepted opinion - otherwise ... otherwise ... (usually here, the convinced begin to nod at “otherwise the whole world will slide into chaos”).

Unfortunately, it won't roll. It is no longer manageable in the usual sense of the word. He just is.

Therefore, the third contribution to not depending on others is the right to seek and make mistakes, to accept beliefs and reject them. Make commitments and (horror!) fail to cope with them.

If the professor's opinion differs from yours, this is not a reason to abandon your own. This is an opportunity to take responsibility for your decisions.

Literally: if you are sure that you really don’t have a tumor, you can take a chance. True, you can. On one side of the scale there will be faith in the professor, on the other - your health, and possibly life.

Common sense usually wins the competition.

And it has nothing to do with “public opinion”, “this is the way we do it” and other ideological things.

Total:

If it is impossible to “press” you with the most valuable thing - your life, if you yourself earn a piece of bread and have a place to live (even if it’s just a corner),

If you can't be led on a leash made out of guilt, shame, your desire to be loved,

If you are willing to risk the generally accepted "standards" and do something in your own way, accepting the result of your "experience" -

then you certainly do not depend on other people.

Throughout life, we repeatedly encounter critics and commentators who believe that from the outside they know better and understand whether we are doing everything right. Someone manages to ignore unflattering statements, while someone tries all his life to please every critic and know-it-all. Is there a way to get rid of the habit of adapting to other people's stereotypes and desires? How to learn not to depend on the opinions of others?

1. Raise self-esteem

Yes Yes. According to statistics, it is precisely those people who have problems with self-perception that most often depend on the opinions of others. A person, unsure of his magnificence, begins to seek approval from the outside. Think about it. If it is so important for you to be appreciated by a loved one, then for you he is a more significant figure than yourself. And this only says that you do not value yourself highly enough.

2. Realize that everyone is unique

When you finally understand that all people: you and your other half, and friend, and brother, and neighbor are unique, it will be easier for you to learn to accept the fact that someone may not like you. And not because this person is bad or good, but because he is different, and his vision of any situation is radically different from your usual views and beliefs.

3. Accept the fact that people can be jealous

Commenting on our choice or act by an outsider can often be veiled and rejection of someone else's happiness. Sometimes people unconsciously speak negatively about us, thus justifying their own failures. If your new acquisition or new success is not approved, it is likely that the person is internally indignant that he cannot afford this and at least one step closer to your level.

4. Understand that some personalities assert themselves at your expense.

Surely you have repeatedly paid attention to the fact that the lower heights a person has achieved in life, the more he does not agree with other people's opinions. When one fails to take one's place in life and break into the highest circles of society, critics begin to assert themselves at the expense of more successful people. This is how grannies usually behave on benches. They understand that they can no longer rest in the Maldives and dance until dawn, so they do not find a better thing to do than to swear and discuss successful people.

5. Get rid of perfectionism

People who cannot stop depending on the opinions of others often suffer from perfectionism or, in simple terms, the syndrome of an excellent student. You probably already guessed what the syndrome of an excellent student is? This is when you try to do any work, regardless of whether you do it for yourself or for someone else, perfectly well, without flaws and blunders. If this fails, the “excellent student” suffers and torments herself with the fact that she is imperfect, that she failed to justify her own or someone else’s expectations.

And finally, understand that there is not a single person on earth who could 100% correspond to someone else's