“Have you been offended by a kind person? - Do not believe.

Bad? - Don't be surprised" © Seneca

Resentment is a state inherent in childhood, it is there that it originates, and then accompanies us through life.

However, resentment is a normal human feeling. In everyday life, this feeling arises when events occur that are unplanned by us, something unpleasant happens to us. Suddenly, life does not go according to the route, plan, as we would like. We do not know how to deal with this, we are not ready for such a turn of events, we want to protect ourselves from the situation, from circumstances, and as a defensive reaction, a feeling of resentment arises.

Resentment is a natural reaction that will be experienced by us from time to time and we can learn to control it, but deep down, sometimes we will be hurt, hurt.

There is another concept - resentment, that is, a chronic state of resentment

What we definitely need to free ourselves from is touchiness as a quality of character. Resentment is a more mental concept, it is already a state of mind. This is already cause for concern. Psychologists say that resentment is a manifestation of a child's EGO - a state. There is always a child in each of us, regardless of our age. And this child is either happy or alone inside of us.

Sometimes it is he who makes decisions for us, gives out emotional outbursts, unpredictable behavior, and it is he who is able to easily learn, find the most incredible creative solutions.

Don't let your inner child be touchy. Learn how to respond to insults like a mature person

Often our negative emotions are addressed to the wrong person. These are the so-called transference feelings, i.e. the ones I experienced or experienced as a small child.

The function of a mature person is to show respect for a person when we must definitely clarify the situation, even if the words of the interlocutor cause us pain and resentment. Unfortunately, in most cases we do not want to hear each other, we only want to hear ourselves and the point of view that somehow coincides with ours.

In order to properly respond to grievances, it is very important to learn how to label your feelings. And you need to learn this in the model “I am messages” or “I am statements”

More often we say - "you - messages." We say: "You annoy me, you disturb me, you act this way or that way." We always start our speech with the pronoun "You", and almost never say "I".

What does it mean - "I - statements"?

As children, we were never taught to pay attention to our feelings and sensations. Thus, we do not tend to understand ourselves and our feelings. But this understanding of yourself and your feelings is important to learn.

How do “I am messages” help to respond to insults correctly?

It is very important to understand that we always feel something. Learn to turn to your inner feelings and wishes before being offended by anyone. Then, try to say those feelings, starting with the pronoun "I". For example: “I feel pain right now” or “I feel irritated right now” or “I feel scared right now” and “I am giving an account of what I feel at this moment in time.”

We need to study and understand such moments in order to learn how to properly respond to grievances. The person made a certain decision, he said offensive or unpleasant words to you.

And you were offended by him, and you can carry this feeling of resentment for who knows how long. But if before that he told you: “You know, I’m all shrinking inside now. And I feel so uncomfortable inside myself and as if there is nothing to breathe.

The person has indicated his feelings, will his words or intonation offend you in this case?

If you begin to understand your feelings and label them, you will soon begin to understand the feelings of other people. And then the hour is not long when resentment will not be so destructive for you personally. To do this, start a diary where you will describe all your feelings and emotional state, starting with the words "as if ...".

And if you share your feelings and experiences with someone, you will be surprised to find that periodically people experience the same state. Then the understanding will come that the claim is not against people. The reason is not in them, it is your condition, which periodically arises. And it is your decision whether to be offended or not.

99% of all grievances are portable feelings

In fact, there are few real grievances, and mostly we tend to resolve real grievances. That is, we have some real grievances, but one way or another we want to clear them up, we have a desire to clear them up. But when these are transference feelings, we feel that it is impossible to clarify, correct, we have a feeling of despair and helplessness, exactly the same feelings that we experienced when we were small. In childhood, few people heard us, few people were interested in us, they simply told us: “Shut up, stop immediately!”

It is this feature of portable feelings that is the reason that we prefer to step back, be offended, angry. We get stuck in this emotion, exclusively in a childish state. And this means that your feelings were addressed to someone from your childhood.

If you have been offended, have the patience to understand that perhaps a person is projecting their childhood fears and resentments onto you.

How to stop being offended?

And when you get offended, just look at the offender. Think about who offended you in this way, who once ignored you. Where were you so hurt that now this person just reminded you of this feeling? And now all those feelings that you had, having multiplied, you address this innocent person. This is the essence of resentment.

Mental resentment as a social instrument of pressure on others

Mental resentment is a resentment that practically does not let go, and this is our special taste of life. For example, in childhood, your offended parents quickly paid attention to you. And a small child realized how to influence this world in order to be heard.

As an adult, you use this emotion to influence and manipulate others.

Mental resentment occurs when a disease or “pout” is manipulated, causing the other person to feel guilty.

The manipulator may have a sad expression on his face, sigh, asks you not to pay attention to the question of how he feels, etc. Often, mothers unconsciously manipulate their children: “I’ll die, you will know ...”

It is impossible to get rid of mental resentment, because a person is not in the mood to forgive at all. He has a special taste for resentment. Such people often turn to a psychologist. But their goal is not to get rid of resentment, but to once again mourn themselves or prove to others that it is impossible to help, and the psychologist is good for nothing. They play their favorite game "Yes, but ..." and this game will never end.

How to respond to mental insults?

Think about what should happen to your offender? The just punishment is an atomic bomb and imagine that this happened. Then ask yourself, "Are you satisfied?" There is no satisfaction.

Nothing can satisfy mental resentment. It's like throwing, throwing wood on a fire and waiting for it to go out. This is our desire to be offended. We have not learned to draw attention to ourselves otherwise. Our racket emotions are to blame.

Tips to help you respond appropriately to resentment

• First, it is necessary to distinguish between resentment and resentment.

• You can get rid of resentment only from the position of reason.

• The people around us should not try to please and please us, otherwise it is either a manifestation of love, good character, or a favor.

• Try to perceive the actions of others as a favor, and not as mandatory actions. This will immediately show you that being offended is stupid and you need to enjoy life more.

• But do not forget that there are small grievances (and it is easier to forget them), but there are also big ones that can bring serious suffering and leave spiritual wounds.

  “Nature arranged so that insults are remembered longer than good deeds. Good is forgotten, and insults are stubbornly kept in memory. ” Seneca

• Only those who hear at least a fraction of the truth in the words spoken are offended.
  A defensive reaction turns on, and we try to get away from the awareness of internal problems and switch to the “offender”. Work on your weak qualities of character, and then some words will no longer be offensive.

• Conflict situations can attract resentment. Try to prevent conflicts or wisely get out of them.

• Treat with caution if the interlocutor retells the opinion of a mutual friend about you. This automatically causes resentment and irritation. Don't gossip.

Respect yourself and don't let resentment hurt you

We are not in a hurry in this situation to forget all the bad things and reflect on what happened. In our head is spinning: "I was offended, very offended." Yes, loving people sometimes quarrel and most often over trifles. We must remember one thing, in order for your relationship to be strong and long, you need to forgive each other's offenses. Before finding the answer to the question: “How to stop constantly, being offended by a loved one,” it is necessary to find the causes of resentment.

One of the main reasons is the discrepancy between our expectations and reality. We hope that a loved one will behave the way we want, but it turns out the other way around. And then we realize that our patterns that we created in our heads for a very long time are breaking down. This is the reason why resentment arises.

The second reason is that we think we are perfect and we have no flaws. “How dare he reprimand me!” - These words of indignation make us take offense at our beloved. And there is also intentional resentment. This is when we want to get some kind of benefit or cause guilt from a loved one. Or maybe tiredness makes us constantly offended by a loved one. Any spoken words are then taken seriously by us and cause irritability and resentment.

The next cause of resentment is the accumulation of life's troubles. Sometimes, constantly being offended, we pursue some goals. One of these goals is manipulation. We are offended for no reason in order to get a dear person to say or do what we need.

The next goal that is pursued is blackmail. Being offended, we make the loved one suffer and thus pay for the actions that we do not like. And another goal is self-justification. With our resentment, we relieve ourselves of all responsibility for what happened and can do nothing to correct the situation. Having analyzed all the reasons and goals for the occurrence of resentment, we will look for the answer to the question: “How to stop, constantly take offense at a loved one?”

First, you need to change yourself a little. This is very difficult to do, but it is within our power, because a person creates himself.

Secondly, always remember that your loved one is also a person who has his own desires, habits and needs. Sometimes put yourself in his place. Feel everything he feels.

If the cause of your resentment is fatigue, then try to have a good rest, have fun, or maybe just read a good book.

If you begin to feel that you are hurt by the words of a loved one and you are ready to be offended, stop and look at this situation through the eyes of some object that is next to you and imagine what he thinks about you and about all this. Believe me, you will be funny. The most unpleasant thing is when you cannot understand the reasons for your resentment towards a dear person or you do not know how to deal with these resentments, then you need to contact a psychologist. And the sooner you do it, the better it will be for you.

We must remember one thing, before you take offense at your loved one, think about whether you will regret it after a while. After all, resentment consists of five layers: anger or irritation; your heartache; fear of losing the dearest and most beloved person; repentance; love.

After all, most often we are offended by the one we love the most. If we were offended by a loved one, and even if the offense is justified, still give him the opportunity to explain the reason for his act. This will help you maintain your relationship and strengthen your love.

Excessive touchiness- bad quality of character. Firstly, it is uncomfortable for people to communicate with you, because you can be offended by any joke or phrase, and constantly keeping yourself in control in a conversation with a touchy person is a small pleasure. Secondly, resentment causes great harm to the most offended, because this feeling is painful, destructive, oppressive, bordering on vindictiveness and malice. Therefore, you need to stay as far away from resentment as possible, not let it enter your soul, and learn to quickly forgive offenders.

1. Strike while the iron is hot. The surest way to deal with resentment is not to be offended at all. In fact, resentment is our internal decision, our attitude to the situation, our own subjective interpretation of reality. To put it simply, this is my business: I wanted to - I was offended, I didn’t want to - no. How can you control yourself so as not to be offended from the beginning?

2. Take care of your image. Personally, the thought that the people with whom I communicate is unpleasant to deal with "always offended over trifles" helps me. And in general, it spoils my image of a cheerful person. So take this into account, and before you get offended at someone, think that you are first of all dropping your self-esteem. What about the offender? Well, what will you take from him! Here he took it, and said such a "byaku".

3. A warning. You can, before being seriously offended, warn your interlocutor: "That's why you said that? I'll be offended now!" You can even pout offendedly at the same time. Nobody likes to offend people, join in. Well, perhaps only out of a sense of revenge, and in a fit of anger. But, as a rule, situations of resentment arise due to nonsense, everyday trifles and misunderstandings. Therefore, if you are really offended when the interlocutor joked unsuccessfully, apply a warning about insult. In 99% of situations, it will immediately follow: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, don't be offended." The main thing is to be able at this moment to really not be offended and smile at this "scoundrel". We all have the right to make mistakes, and this one sitting opposite, too.

4. Habit and character. In general, resentment is a property of character, and habits form character. Here you are accustomed to flare up on every occasion, and react this way to every nonsense. Cultivate "offense tolerance" in yourself, catch moments when you are ready to be offended, and ... change the habit. For example, you can send everyone "to the garden", you can translate everything as a joke, you can simply control the process of the formation of emotions, knowing that now I will not be offended, and my precious character will change to even more golden.

5. And who is the offender? The cool thing is that offended we usually on people who are not indifferent to us. Well, it is logical that if we don’t give a damn about a person, then he can easily keep his opinion about us to himself. But it’s enough for a loved one not to notice our new dress, and we are already offended. Learn not to make too much demands on loved ones. He, beloved, is exactly the same as someone else's Vasya, with his own emotions and feelings. And he was not going to offend you, you just react to it more sharply because of your own feelings. Do not overestimate the bar of claims to a person just because he is dear to you, rather, on the contrary, forgive him as soon as possible.

6. I take revenge and my revenge is terrible. Also, you may be offended revenge for your hurt. And after all, we perfectly understand in the depths of our souls that they simply took revenge on us. Yes, revenge is a bad thing and unworthy, but do not rush to be offended right away. After all, if you took revenge, then you also have a "stigma in the cannon", which means that you offended a person. What they gave is what they got. So try to understand your guilt, and accept the deserved punishment. They themselves are to blame.

7. What if you're already offended? We are all alive people. And sometimes "burying" emotions in oneself is worse than letting them out. But the release of emotions is not development, deepening, or "cherishing" them. If you have already understood and realized that the insult is here, here, in your soul and gnaws at you, then try the following methods of struggle.

8. Give time time. Sometimes resentment- it's just a superficial emotion that rages in your soul for a while. Harmful, psychotic, quick-tempered ... All the signs are there! Well ... Let the storm rage, but just do not let the offender near you at this moment, because "you will tear it to shreds." It is better to go through a storm of emotions alone, because when it all boils over, you will be able to soberly assess the situation and not aggravate the insult and quarrel.

9. Constructive dialogue. Our complexes sit deep within us. And often we cannot admit to ourselves that this or that remark, comparison, phrase is unpleasant for us. But resentment will not go away until we ourselves understand what exactly hurts and confuses us. Do not rush to blame the outside world, deal with your inner world. Got the reason? And now, calmly, without unnecessary emotions, try to explain to the offender what exactly and why offended you so much. If this is a person close to you, or just a person whom you respect and are going to continue communicating with him, then this method will be the most correct and civilized. He will understand. He is also not an insensitive chump. And then, do not forget, because the person has no idea why you have not been talking to him for the third day. Explain yourself.

10. If offended - ask for forgiveness! If you dear person- beg forgiveness first! Yes, sometimes, in order to get rid of resentment, you should ask for forgiveness yourself. Such a move acts like a cold shower on the offender, and he usually begins to ask for forgiveness after you. After all, it happens that you were offended, and you could not restrain yourself, answered, quarreled ... On the one hand, the insult torments, and on the other hand, it is unlikely that your interlocutor is in a good mood after a quarrel and will come running to ask for forgiveness. So, decide for yourself how important the person and the relationship with him are to you.

11. old grudges. Well, now you've learned quickly forgive, or not be offended at all. And there are also old grievances that no-no, and they pop up periodically in my memory, and interfere with life. Psychologists advise mentally "rolling back" old grievances, like a movie film. Imagine all the details of the quarrel from the end to the beginning, and then - first, but come up with the ending yourself. For example, imagine that a person says a completely different phrase to you at the end, which raises your self-esteem, or makes a compliment, or falls on his knees and asks for forgiveness. This visualization practice does not work instantly, and requires some training. But then, if you master it, you can even get rid of childhood insults and injuries. What does a person need to be happy? So that they do not offend and love us, so tender and vulnerable.

Learn not to be offended. It's very difficult, but so useful!

Free your soul from insults... and you won't notice how the soul will take off!)

In the east there lived a sage who taught his disciples this way:

“People offend in three ways. They may say that you are stupid, they may call you a slave, they may call you mediocre. If this happened to you, remember a simple truth: only a fool will call another a fool, only a slave is looking for a slave in another, only mediocrity justifies what he does not understand himself, with someone else's madness. Therefore, never be offended by anyone, and do not insult yourself.

Start simple: wish all the best to the people who hurt you once.

No need to carry around stupid suitcases of grievances. If only because if the hands are occupied with something bad, then it is impossible to take something good from them.

The wiser a person becomes

the less he finds reasons for resentment.

No one can hurt me if I don't allow it myself.

Mahatma Gandhi ---

You should not be offended by the person who offended you - in his soul he is offended more.

No one is interested in hurting you, no one is waiting for an opportunity to hurt you, everyone is busy guarding their own wound.

The inner world does not tolerate a mess. Take a "broom" and get out in the shower. It's time to finally sweep away all the grievances and sorrows that have accumulated there, losses and disappointments. It's time to finally make room for something truly new, bright, clean and beautiful.

You don't forgive others to heal them. You forgive others to heal yourself.

Chuck Hilling

A happy woman cannot be offended...

You can only make her laugh!

If you have learned not to be offended, it means that you have learned to look into the heart of another.

Defiant behavior towards you is not a personal insult to you, it is a measure of a person's suffering. This is how he shows you how much he hurts and how much compassion he needs.

They may say that you are stupid, they may call you a slave, they may call you mediocre. If this happened to you, remember the simple truth: only a fool will call another a fool, only a slave is looking for a slave in another, only mediocrity justifies what he does not understand himself with someone else's madness. Therefore, never be offended by anyone, and do not insult yourself, so as not to be considered stupid mediocre slaves.

Happy people cannot be evil. Only those who are unhappy themselves try to offend others. Your offender did not try to offend you. He was only projecting onto you what was the real purpose of his aggression. (Anthony de Mello)

The more resentment, the more I lose strength.

Resentment is the problem of the one who is offended. This means that it was you who did not have enough mental strength for this person, it was you who could not cope with yourself.

If you are full of strength, energy, if you feel good simply because it is spring outside, and you feel strength and power in yourself - is a person in such a state capable of being offended by someone? When we are full of energy, resentment passes us by. If we are offended, it means that there is already an outflow of energy somewhere, which means that you have not tracked your condition somewhere and have not taken measures to bring yourself back to normal. So what about other people?

Why are you offended that no one thought of you and did not wash the dishes on your birthday? Why didn't you warn about it yourself, didn't you say? Why are you silently, angrily gritting your teeth, doing something, instead of asking someone to help you? Why do you build dramatic images and feel sorry for yourself to tears? Why? Maybe you want to torture yourself?

Any of our resentment is connected with our self-esteem, in other words, with our ego. That is, we are offended that they underestimated us, did not foresee our desires, did not think about us in the first place.

(quotes from the article "Adult children of resentment" - Maria Petrochenko - Wheel of Life June 2013)

When the same people are around you, it somehow turns out by itself that they enter your life. And having entered your life, after a while they want to change it. And if you do not become the way they want to see you, they are offended. After all, everyone knows exactly how to live in the world. For some reason, no one can manage their own life.

Paulo Coelho "The Alchemist"

Do not litter your memory with insults, otherwise there may simply not be room for wonderful moments!

Blaming others is such a small trick to use whenever you don't want to take responsibility for what happens in your life. Use it - and you are guaranteed a life without risk and a slowdown in your own development.

Resentment provides two important benefits that are not easy for people to give up. The first is in condemnation, and the second is in the feeling of being right.

Most people get angry because of grievances that they themselves have made up, giving deep meaning to trifles.

No one is able to offend you without your consent.

I still don't understand why people stay angry at each other for a long time. Life is already unforgivably short, it’s impossible to really do anything, there is so little time that, one might say, it doesn’t exist at all, even if you don’t spend it on all sorts of stupid things like quarrels.
Max Fry

No matter for what reason you were insulted, it is best not to pay attention to the insult - after all, stupidity is rarely worthy of indignation, and anger is best punished with neglect.
Samuel Johnson

If a donkey kicks you, don't kick him back.Plutarch

Resentment is actually a way of leaving and protecting one's own "I". (Rollo May - The Art of Psychological Counseling)

What is the truth, brother? Dedicated to all fighters for the truth.

I don’t know about you, but I’m already tired of adding “explainers” for each of my words in case it offended someone. It feels like if I publish an article without regard for all the possible negative feelings that this article can even indirectly cause, there is a risk of receiving a flurry of angry opinions in response. If I write or comment on something, I measure seven times before sending my words to the network so as not to offend anyone inadvertently.

In a world where patience and acceptance are encouraged, people are often resentful, especially some Christians. Too often we act like watchdogs, sniffing around for “tidbits” that can be labeled as “offensive, faux pas, even heretical.”

The Russian language, with all its richness, does not give us an absolute opportunity to avoid a situation where someone will be offended. We can only try to clearly express our thoughts, and if there are any “provocative” topics, not to add fuel to the fire with excessive provocation.

It seems that a new trend is in fashion - to be offended.

So, if you happen to come across a tweet/blog/article/sermon/ choose your option, where the position seems wrong and offensive to you, ask yourself a few questions before "grabbing a gun" and opening fire:

Is it really that important?

There are situations when it is very important to say something against some idea. We should be annoyed by injustice, and there are many righteous ways to restore justice. But it also happens that disputes are conducted around personal opinions and petty disagreements, and is it really important to argue about this?

Fixating on things that are valuable to God, we lose the ability to be offended over trifles. We must stop and think about what is really important in the context of eternity, in the context of God's Kingdom. What really matters? We, as Christians, have extensive moral obligations, but there are also just a bunch of different, unimportant topics for discussion.

Is this my fight?

Your relationship in Christ does not give you the right to interfere in any circle of discussion. Some believers jump into any discussion between brothers and sisters, thinking that it is their duty to participate and take sides.

The only question is, do you have a sufficient personal relationship with the person you want to rebuke or correct? If a person publicly misrepresents your common values ​​and your faith, remember that we will all one day be accountable to God for everything we do and say. God is the ultimate Judge. In the age of complete dissolution of a person in the media space, we should not give in to the temptation to always state our position and declare who is right and who is not, be it a theological or political discussion.

Am I looking for humility?

Paul writes to the church at Philippi: "Do nothing out of selfishness or vanity, but in humility consider one another superior to yourself." Sometimes there is something in the conflict that you are witnessing that reveals certain things in your own heart, reveals your own desires and selfish priorities. Be willing to admit you're wrong and repent. Sometimes you are really right and the other side is completely wrong. And it can be especially difficult if the other side simply does not see this and cannot recognize it. But before you get offended and send the conflict to a new round of escalation, try to humbly ask the question: is your rightness able to add something to the treasury of eternity, do you act in this situation as the Judge of all mankind?

What don't I know?

Your life is unique, your values ​​and opinions are the result of your life path. The person you are arguing with also has a unique life path. Each of us receives his own unique portion of joys and sorrows. Life consists not only of what is seen at first glance. Perhaps your opponent is going through life's difficulties and pain, solving some specific problems in his life or character. Give people a little grace, try to think the best of them, refuse to "read a person between the lines", do not immediately run to them with denunciations of their opinions and positions.

We don't need to justify bad behavior, but it's always a good idea to admit that we don't see the whole picture. Proverbs 26:11 speaks of a foolish man who always returns to his foolishness, and only then the danger of seeing himself as a wise man.

Give people a little grace, try to think the best of them, refuse to "read a person between the lines", do not immediately run to them with denunciations of their opinions and positions.

From time to time you will find yourself in situations where you need to take the fight, and your opponent is a person whom you know well. It is very important in such a situation to ask yourself two last questions:

Can I change it? Should he?

If you have thought about this, if you have carried this burden for a long time, prayed and sought humility, weighed all opinions, found biblical justifications for joining the battle, then you can “go on the attack” and denounce the one you need to denounce.

It may be painful and almost inappropriate to go on the attack, but sometimes you can step on someone's feet, even if they are the king's feet. When you have an opinion that is important to voice, important to you, important to others, it may be time to present your opinion to your abuser. Christians are commanded to rebuke in love. Our attack must be seasoned with grace, especially when the offender's words are met without much joy. This world (the Internet - especially) is full of things that can offend us. But there is always a choice: to be offended or to pass by. If we do not focus on offenses, we have a great opportunity to avoid the Pharisaic self-justification in which Jesus denounced His religious contemporaries - these people are so mired in their religiosity that they did not see the Messiah point-blank when He came to them. I don't want to overlook Christ for debate and argument when He enters my room. Because everything will pass, and one day we will see Christ. And this is the most important thing.