Love love addiction. To be loved and to be free

What is this book about?

Who is this book for?
Our book is addressed to those who are exhausted in the battle for love, who have lost track of it, who have confused its address, who...

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Who is this book for?
Our book is addressed to those who are exhausted in the battle for love, who have lost track of it, who have confused its address, who are passionately looking for love or trying to save it. In other words, our book is a helper for those who seek true love, not illusions and not passions.
We would like to open the possibility of love to those for whom it has somehow become impossible, scary and dangerous, unusual or old-fashioned.

"Zest" edition
"Love, love, dependence" is the first in a series of books on family psychology "The Way of Family Life", which is addressed to everyone who wants to find guidance in it, to understand the intricacies of marital relations. This is a presentation of the author's course of lectures, intended for the widest range of readers.

About authors
Archpriest Andrey Lorgus - cleric of the church of St. Nicholas on the Three Mountains, previously served in the church of Elijah the Ordinary, in the Vysoko-Petrovsky monastery, in a psycho-neurological boarding school.
Born in 1956. He worked as a mechanic, bulldozer operator, prospector, loader, laboratory assistant, janitor, watchman, reader in the temple.
In 1982 he graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University. In 1988 he was ordained a deacon. In 1991 he graduated from the Moscow Theological Seminary. He was ordained a priest in 1993.
He was the dean of the Faculty of Psychology of the Russian Orthodox University of John the Theologian.
Since 1996 he has been teaching anthropology and Christian psychology at Moscow State University, at the Russian Orthodox University, at the Institute of Christian Psychology.
Currently he is the rector of the Institute of Christian Psychology. Reads author's courses: "Orthodox Anthropology", "The Spiritual Path of the Personality", "Theology of Language and Speech", "Psychopathology of Religious Life" and others.
Engaged in psychological counseling. The main areas of scientific interests are personality psychology and family psychology.

Krasnikova Olga Mikhailovna - consultant psychologist, teacher of psychology, member of EMCaRR (European Movement of Christian Anthropology, Psychology and Psychotherapy), head of the psychological center "Interlocutor", assistant to the rector of the Institute of Christian Psychology.
Born and lives in Moscow. Graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University. M. V. Lomonosov. She has been working as a psychologist since 1996, teaching psychology at universities, conducting seminars and trainings, and consulting since 1999. In 2003, she began teaching Christian psychology at the Russian Orthodox University of St. John the Theologian, and in 2009 she took part in the creation of the first in Russia Institute of Christian Psychology, where she currently teaches author's courses "Age stages of personality development", "Christian family psychology", "Spiritually-Oriented Practical Psychology" and others, is filmed in popular science videos devoted to the analysis of various psychological problems, conducts master classes on spiritually-oriented psychological counseling for psychologists.
Author of publications in the journals "Neskuchny Sad", "Moscow Psychotherapeutic Journal", "Information Bulletin of the Round Table on Religious Education and Diakonia of the DECR of the Moscow Patriarchate" and others, in the online magazine "Christian Psychology Around The World", on the Internet portals "Pravoslavie and the world", "Matrony.ru". In addition to the book Loneliness, he is the author of the book Lateness and Unfulfilled Promises and co-author of the collection The Soul of Your Child.

The loss of a loved one is a severe catastrophe, but not the cause of death.

And therefore, if a person, when a loved one leaves him, feels that he is dying, then this is most likely a sign of dependence. If a person truly loves and understands that without a loved one it will be painful and difficult, but life will go on, it is always love.

Favorite plots of world literature: she is gone, he cannot live without her; he died, she, too, cannot and does not want to live. The most striking example of the very addiction from which you can die is Romeo and Juliet. Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with love, because love, unlike addiction, gives strength to live, it continues regardless of whether we live together or we parted, or the beloved has died. Love continues forever, it does not end even with death. But dependence sometimes ends with spiritual or physical death (renunciation of life, suicide, murder), sometimes with illness. In any case, codependency, which is built on fear and control, does not bear good fruit.

Remember the famous example of the wise Solomon, when two women shared a baby (1 Kings 3:16-28)? How did Solomon determine who the mother was? The one for whom the life of a baby was more important than her mother's love. What is the wisdom of Solomon? That he realized that true love gives life, not death. And Solomon testified to this by his sentence. The one who tried to appropriate the child for herself at any cost, even at the cost of his life, did not love him, and the one who gave birth to him truly loved him and therefore was ready to give him away, if only he would live.

It is the fear of suffering and the pain of separation that makes people hold on to any relationship with a stranglehold, not only those that do not bring joy, but even those that destroy.

Dependent relationships cater to fear, nurturing the hope that possessing the object of "love" will help to avoid the pangs of loneliness and the meaninglessness of one's own existence. A co-dependent person is stubborn in his blindness: despite the arguments of reason, he continues to piously believe that the other is the meaning of his life, so relations with him must be cherished like the apple of an eye. In fact, the meaning of the life of a codependent is to fight their anxieties and fears with the help of a dependent relationship.

…The description of falling in love is undoubtedly brighter, and that is why it is so attractive for those who like acute emotional states, transitions from one extreme to another, who prefer an extreme lifestyle. There is euphoria, flight, delight, heat and cold, dazzle, novelty and so on, that is, something that cannot leave anyone indifferent. Such states are often referred to as "roller coasters".

In psychological practice, there are cases when people who are happy in marriage suddenly begin to doubt their love, as their feelings cease to be like a rollercoaster. The absence of “sultry passion” in a relationship is alarming for many: “Something in my heart at the sight of my husband does not beat so fast and does not catch my breath. Maybe I fell out of love with him? “I stopped constantly thinking about her, sometimes at work for the whole day I’ll only remember my wife a couple of times, but before, it happened, I couldn’t do anything - all my thoughts are only about her!” It doesn’t occur to people that if love (life at the limit of one’s strength and possibilities) lasted indefinitely, humanity would die out.

Being in love is incompatible with a long and happy life!

There are people who sincerely consider the passionate insatiability of addiction to be a manifestation of true love, and the absence of a “passive” component in a relationship is a sign of indifference, insensitivity and coldness. What kind of love is this when no one wrings their hands in a fit of despair, the heart does not break into small pieces, and the panic fear of losing the object of their passion does not make the blood run cold: “I can’t live without him / her!” In romance novels, this is exactly how “true love” is described, even such a genius as Shakespeare did not ignore such a melodramatic plot. Indeed, in the image of love that exists in everyday consciousness, there are a lot of features that we would attribute to falling in love or addiction, but not to the true love of two mature personalities - there is nothing “heartbreaking” in it.

Literature, movies, songs, even anecdotes - popular culture is focused on vivid states like falling in love and addiction that make a strong impression. And often, following the stereotypes that have developed in society, it is believed that in those relationships where there are no vivid experiences, there is no love. Moreover, passion is very often the poetic measure of love.

Genuine love includes such characteristics that are usually not very popular: for example, responsibility, realism, courage, hard work.

It's all too serious! Love makes you think about a lot, and responsibility in love stops you from hasty decisions and passionate desires. No romance. As the hero of the popular movie exclaimed: “Lord! How boring we live! We lost the spirit of adventurism. We stopped climbing through the windows to our beloved women. We stopped doing big, good stupid things” (film “The Irony of Fate, or Enjoy Your Bath!”).

Addiction is a distortion of love. People living in co-dependent relationships, in the depths of their hearts, dreamed of love and thought that they were going to love, but somewhere they made a mistake, turned off the path or got scared, although they did not bury the hope in their souls for finding love.

Consciously or unconsciously refusing love, a person at some point may find that he has lost the meaning of life, has reached a dead end, has ceased to develop. The point was love...

In love, there is just more trust, more confidence and calmness, there is warmth and depth, strength and courage, fullness and adequate responsibility - all this provides the necessary resources for development. In love, we stand side by side, we do not merge, each of us retains his own personality, his own individuality and his own path.

Archpriest Andrei Lorgus and psychologist Olga Krasnikova

What is this book about? The authors of the book - Andrey Lorgus - an Orthodox priest, practicing psychologist, rector of the Institute of Christian Psychology - and his colleague Olga Krasnikova are convinced that every person can live with love, because love is life. However, how difficult it is! A person will have many obstacles on this path, but he will find the most obstacles in his inner world, in his soul, in his heart. Love and infatuation are often confused, but love and addiction are even more often confused. If I love, then I give life and give space for life; if I "can't live without it," then I appropriate it. Addiction is a distortion of love. In love, we stand side by side, but do not merge. Our task is to open the possibility of love, to show what are the secrets of its internal "enemies", their weak points; can we do something with our heart? Can you teach him to love? Who is this book for? Our book is addressed to those who are exhausted in the battle for love, who have lost track of it, who have confused its address, who are passionately looking for love or trying to save it. In other words, our book is a helper for those who seek true love, not illusions and not passions. We would like to open the possibility of love to those for whom for some reason it has become impossible, scary and dangerous, unusual or old-fashioned. which is addressed to everyone who wants to find guidance in it, to understand the intricacies of marital relations. This is a presentation of the author's course of lectures, intended for the widest range of readers. About the Authors Archpriest Andrey Lorgus, cleric of the Church of St. Nicholas on the Three Mountains, previously served in the Church of Elijah the Ordinary, in the Vysoko-Petrovsky Monastery, in a neuropsychiatric boarding school. Born in 1956. He worked as a mechanic, bulldozer operator, prospector, loader, laboratory assistant, janitor, watchman, reader in the temple. In 1982 he graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University. In 1988 he was ordained a deacon. In 1991 he graduated from the Moscow Theological Seminary. He was ordained a priest in 1993. He was the dean of the Faculty of Psychology of the Russian Orthodox University of John the Theologian. Since 1996 he has been teaching anthropology and Christian psychology at Moscow State University, at the Russian Orthodox University, at the Institute of Christian Psychology. Currently he is the rector of the Institute of Christian Psychology. Reads author's courses: "Orthodox Anthropology", "The Spiritual Path of the Personality", "Theology of Language and Speech", "Psychopathology of Religious Life" and others. Engaged in psychological counseling. The main areas of scientific interests are personality psychology and family psychology. Krasnikova Olga Mikhailovna - consultant psychologist, teacher of psychology, member of EMCaRR (European Movement of Christian Anthropology, Psychology and Psychotherapy), head of the psychological center "Interlocutor", assistant to the rector of the Institute of Christian Psychology. Born and lives in Moscow. Graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University. M. V. Lomonosov. She has been working as a psychologist since 1996, teaching psychology at universities, conducting seminars and trainings, and consulting since 1999. In 2003, she began teaching Christian psychology at the Russian Orthodox University of St. John the Theologian, and in 2009 she took part in the creation of the first in Russia Institute of Christian Psychology, where she currently teaches author's courses "Age stages of personality development", "Christian family psychology", "Spiritually-Oriented Practical Psychology" and others, is filmed in popular science videos devoted to the analysis of various psychological problems, conducts master classes in spiritually-oriented psychological counseling for psychologists. Author of publications in the journals "Neskuchny Sad", "Moscow Psychotherapeutic Journal", "Information Bulletin of the Round Table on Religious Education and Diaconia of the DECR of the Moscow Patriarchate" and others, in the online magazine "Christian Psychology Around The World", on the Internet portals "Pravoslavie" and the world", "Matrons. ru" . In addition to the book "Loneliness", he is the author of the book "Lateness and Broken Promises" and co-author of the collection "The Soul of Your Child". Approved for distribution by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church IS R 15-516-0783.

LYubovL and falling in love are often confused, but love and addiction are more often confused. The line between love and addiction is very difficult to find, it often hides in the depths of a person’s soul. How to distinguish love from addiction, says Archpriest Andrey Lorgus and psychologist Olga Krasnikova in their book.

From the book "Love, Love, Addiction"
Archpriest Andrey Lorgus
and psychologist Olga Krasnikova

When a person loses a loved one, if he was dependent on him, it seems to him that he is dying, just as a small child dies, weaned from his mother. The first, and then the Second World Wars showed that children deprived of mothers die. But the child is dependent on age, this is normal for the baby; an adult is not like that, he can survive. The loss of a loved one is a severe catastrophe, but not the cause of death. And therefore, if a person, when a loved one leaves him, feels that he is dying, then this is most likely a sign of dependence. If a person truly loves and understands that without a loved one it will be painful and difficult, but life will go on, it is always love.

Archpriest Andrei Lorgus

The trouble is that very often we think to ourselves and say about others: “How these people love each other! They can't live without each other!" But if you figure it out, when people cannot live without each other, it's sad. Love gives life, love is a gift and a reward to each other. If I love you, I want you to live. And if it so happened that this is a one-sided feeling (and it happens very often), then I choose life. Remember the famous example of the wise Solomon, when two women shared a baby (1 Kings 3:16-28)? How did Solomon determine who the mother was? The one for whom the life of a baby was more important than her mother's love. What is the wisdom of Solomon? That he realized that true love gives life, not death. And Solomon testified to this by his sentence. The one who tried to appropriate the child for herself at any cost, even at the cost of his life, did not love him, and the one who gave birth to him truly loved him and therefore was ready to give him away, if only he would live. Favorite plots of world literature: she left, he cannot live without her; he died, she, too, cannot and does not want to live. The most striking example of the very addiction from which you can die is Romeo and Juliet. Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with love, because love, unlike addiction, gives strength to live, it continues regardless of whether we live together or we parted, or the beloved has died. Love continues forever, it does not end even with death. But dependence sometimes ends with spiritual or physical death (renunciation of life, suicide, murder), sometimes with illness. In any case, codependency, which is built on fear and control, does not bear good fruit.

It's the same in all partnerships: if I love, then I give life and give space for life; but if I “can’t live without it,” then I appropriate it, make it mine, and then, of course, I won’t let go, “strangle it in my arms,” because otherwise I’ll “die.” In fact, I won’t die, it seems to me - “I’ll die” is here a feeling and a figure of speech far from reality. Rational consciousness, if a person listens to it, can suggest: "Of course, I will survive, but it will hurt me a lot, and I do not want to allow this suffering." It is the fear of suffering and the pain of separation that makes people hold on to any relationship with a stranglehold, not only those that do not bring joy, but even those that destroy. Dependent relationships cater to fear, nurturing the hope that possessing the object of "love" will help to avoid the pangs of loneliness and the meaninglessness of one's own existence. A co-dependent person is stubborn in his blindness: despite the arguments of reason, he continues to piously believe that the other is the meaning of his life, so relations with him must be cherished like the apple of an eye. In fact, the meaning of the life of a codependent is to fight their anxieties and fears with the help of a dependent relationship.

Olga Krasnikova

The value of falling in love with its love passion is sometimes elevated to such a height for which you can forget the sense of duty, betray the values and your own interests, and the value of your family, you can radically change your life and destroy a lot. Therefore, of course, young men and women, thirsty for exploits and romance, brought up on book and cinematographic culture, the gloss of youth magazines and all kinds of pop phenomena, are oriented, first of all, towards falling in love. attractive for those who like acute emotional states, transitions from one extreme to another, who prefer an extreme lifestyle. There is euphoria, flight, delight, heat and cold, dazzle, novelty and so on, that is, something that cannot leave anyone indifferent. Such states are often referred to as "roller coasters". In psychological practice, there are cases when people who are happy in marriage suddenly begin to doubt their love, as their feelings cease to be like a rollercoaster. The absence of “sultry passion” in a relationship is alarming for many: “Something in my heart at the sight of my husband does not beat so fast and does not catch my breath. Maybe I fell out of love with him? “I stopped constantly thinking about her, sometimes at work for the whole day I’ll only remember my wife a couple of times, but before, it used to be, I couldn’t do anything - all my thoughts are only about her!” It doesn’t occur to people that if love (life at the limit of one’s strength and possibilities) lasted indefinitely, humanity would die out. Being in love is not compatible with a long and happy life!

But the suffering and pain that permeate addiction are also vivid experiences. For those who do not hope for love and have already experienced falling in love, “reveling in suffering”, constantly suffering from heaviness, humiliation, anxiety is one of the possible ways to get adrenaline in order to feel alive and fill the inner emptiness. There are people who sincerely consider the passionate insatiability of dependence to be a manifestation of true love, and the absence of a “passive” component in a relationship is a sign of indifference, insensitivity and coldness. What kind of love is this when no one wrings their hands in a fit of despair, the heart does not break into small pieces, and the panic fear of losing the object of their passion does not make the blood run cold: “I can’t live without him / her!” In romance novels, this is exactly how “true love” is described, even such a genius as Shakespeare did not ignore such a melodramatic plot. Indeed, in the image of love that exists in everyday consciousness, there are a lot of features that we would attribute to falling in love or dependence, but not to the true love of two mature personalities - there is nothing “heartbreaking” in it.

Genuine love includes such characteristics that are usually not very popular: for example, responsibility, realism, courage, hard work. Everything is too serious! Love makes you think about a lot, and responsibility in love stops you from hasty decisions and passionate desires. No romance. As the hero of the popular movie exclaimed: “Lord! How boring we live! We lost the spirit of adventurism. We stopped climbing through the windows to our beloved women. We stopped doing big, good stupid things” (film “The Irony of Fate, or Enjoy Your Bath!”).

Focusing on the thrill, preferring life “like on a volcano” to the “gray everyday life” of stable relationships, many do not think about what they are losing when they choose love or addiction as a way of life. If we try to figure out why love is needed, what is its meaning, we will find that its main purpose is to prepare the ground on which love can then grow. That is, to experience falling in love is not an end in itself, it is an “intermediate stage” on the path to love. Addiction is a distortion of love. People living in co-dependent relationships, in the depths of their hearts, dreamed of love and thought that they were going to love, but somewhere they made a mistake, turned off the path or got scared, although they did not bury the hope in their souls for finding love. Consciously or unconsciously refusing love, a person at some point may find that he has lost the meaning of life, has reached a dead end, has ceased to develop. The point was love...

Personal development requires freedom and strength. In dependence and love there is neither one nor the other. In these extreme states, the “survival mode” is activated, so much so that these “roller coasters” of emotions unbalance a person, deprive him of all resources, so that it is very difficult to make any plans, follow the path of personal or spiritual development. All forces are spent on holding, maintaining relationships, and development is perceived as a threat, since it also requires strength, attention, and distracts from the “object” of passion. In love, there is just more trust, more confidence and calmness, there is warmth and depth, strength and courage, fullness and adequate responsibility - all this provides the necessary resources for development. In love, we stand side by side, we do not merge, each of us retains his own personality, his own individuality and his own path.

Portal for the student. Self-training

The loss of a loved one is a severe catastrophe, but not the cause of death.

It is the fear of suffering and the pain of separation that makes people hold on to any relationship with a stranglehold, not only those that do not bring joy, but even those that destroy.

Being in love is incompatible with a long and happy life!

Genuine love includes such characteristics that are usually not very popular: for example, responsibility, realism, courage, hard work.

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