What no matter what we think, each of us comes into the world unique and remains so throughout life, no matter what happens to him. And since uniqueness and individuality is our integral part, we pay the closest attention to it.
In our time, close attention to oneself has grown into a kind of cult of individuality. In movies, TV shows and in popular psychology, we increasingly hear advice that seems to matter a lot and, to be honest, is already driving our teeth. “Be yourself”, “Just be yourself”, “For Bridget Jones - the way she is!” What is behind this call? What does it mean to be yourself and is it really that simple when you think about it?
To think… This dangerous process turned towards oneself is called self-reflection or introspection. And does it really matter what it's called? After all, the main thing is that in most cases, when this advice is pronounced, it means the opposite of this process. The advice to "be yourself" in most cases manifests that you are already good, without explanation, without the need to be understood.
Those who do not want or cannot understand simply do not appreciate you, cannot recognize your essence. There is no point in explaining. After all, what should they understand just like that, by themselves? Why explanations if you yourself know yourself, which means you know the truth: I am good, I am worthy. Can't understand? They just don’t want to, and if they don’t want to, I can stand with a proudly upturned nose and look mysteriously into the distance ...
Yes, what is there in this distance? In the distance, the rays of the setting sun of common sense glimmer. It slowly and beautifully sinks into the dark water, threatening to hide from you the last sparks of what makes you not just a person, not just yourself, but someone who can be more than himself.
Thanks to the army of pseudo-psychologists, marketers, copywriters and other manipulators of consciousness, we find ourselves in a trap of meanings. It turns out that we have a recipe for happiness in our hands - do not think about the opinions of others, do not try to adapt to those around you, it's not worth it. Do we lose anything if we begin to be guided by these principles? In fact, we lose ourselves, that is, our individuality.
Wait, wait, but my personality is me, "be yourself" and all that. They waited, threw a couple more glances into the distance ... Something was wrong. Really, having frozen within the framework of our views, even if they seem correct, or in stupid stereotypes, do we become what we consider ourselves to be - a collection of perfections that we think? No. Statics, of course, denies the possibility of development, and a person, if you believe it for a moment, is a huge world in which there is everything and even more. And now we are not talking about platitudes, a rich inner world and spiritual beauty, but about the fact that this is the only truth worth living. Yes, inside everyone there are boundless galaxies, the breadth of spirit that allows you to be anyone and create everything that is possible. This world cannot suddenly turn out to be a frozen block of the devil knows what. In this case, it is no longer the world, but like this - a frozen piece of the devil knows what.
Sartre's famous phrase that "hell is others" does not seem to contradict our modern values and says that it would be better to simply not pay royal attention to others. However, the same Sartre belongs to the reflection that the fullness of being, that is, true individuality, personal experience of the Cosmos, can only be experienced through love. To love, you need another. Even loving yourself, you have to, as it were, split your personality. Here I am, and here is the me that I love. And here you are, like Jack Sparrow, excuse me, Captain Jack Sparrow, rushing around the ghost ship, surrounded by yourself.
But there can be no static in relationships, the human gut starts to move, everything shakes in the house of our soul, old books fall from the shelves, records break, something new bursts into dusty rooms, tearing off the curtains and sweeping away everything in its path. This movement, this development, or rather, this is self-development, this is self-criticism, this is self-control and will - the result of such training.
We want to be beautiful and go in for sports, melt in solariums, and then inject vitamin injections for smooth and healthy skin. We want to be smart and read a lot, watch a good movie. We want to be educated and find great schools and teachers who know more than we do. We want to be successful and work hard to bring what we earn to those we deem worthy of accepting our earnings in exchange for the fleeting joys of shopping, new things, fun and enjoyment. All this is not enough. In order to experience real happiness, you need to cast aside your fears and turn inward. And there will be an abyss.
Nietzsche writes: “If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss begins to gaze into you.” You can understand that this is so, that in this abyss of vices, passions, as well as virtues, beauty and kindness, you can find your Self. Rise above your individuality, rise above what you have always felt and thought, realizing that you can feel and think in fact, infinitely many. To realize that you are as pathetic as you are great, it's all about what you want to choose. And now it seems absurd to "just be yourself." Yes, it's impossible to be just yourself, when it's so easy to be an endless world of intermittent meanings, feelings and thoughts. After all, all this is me, you just have to look into the abyss.
But from looking into the abyss, many, and you can’t blame them for this, feel dizzy and hastily they try to close their eyes and move deeper, to hide behind something to fence off from the edge, so that a feeling of security and comfort is created. What is it for you? Stores with your favorite junk, endless social network dialogue, news feed, music that does not stop sounding for a minute? Click-click-click, click-click-click. The sound of clattering keys is already reminiscent of automatic bursts, and a quick click is like a blow from a guillotine knife. Whatever screens you choose for yourself, know that the abyss is behind them, and unlike you, she is always ready to meet.
How many thoughts and ideas do we leave unfulfilled, how many feelings unspoken, because we want to “just be ourselves”? “Being yourself” is not only advice, but also an excuse for one’s impotence, one’s laziness and demotivation for active action. And what if all this unrealized potential suddenly began to be actualized? How much new would we learn about ourselves, how much new would we give to others?
However, let's leave fairy tales to glossy magazines and melodramas. Here we have a level of drama a little higher than acceptable, because this new one would be new disappointments and new suffering. Sometimes the result of the experience of knowing yourself is a jump from the roof, because knowing yourself is really dangerous, which is why we are so afraid to open our eyes. But why are we so accustomed to feeling sorry for ourselves? Why do we, plunging into the bourgeois swamp, decide that the great games with Eros and Thanatos, suffering and enlightenment are not for us? Geniuses in suffering found inspiration and created their masterpieces. Why do we think we can't do it ourselves? Become your friend, that is, truly "be yourself." Turn everything that is in you to your benefit, because you are a person, you are a collection of many qualities, thoughts and feelings, and they are all equally important. The trick is just how you manage it all.
However, we all know that such efforts require effort. And it, being internal, spiritual, if strong enough, can become physical, and not get sick for long. Therefore, those who think they have gone far enough from the abyss, insert the headphones into your ears more tightly and check the news feed. Indeed, today we scream about the need to find ourselves so loudly that even those who have long wanted to hear no one but themselves can hear.
To sum up my seventeen years, I realize that I have acquired absolutely nothing. I can't do anything, I don't know anything, I don't understand anything, I'm not interested in anything, I don't dream of anything,
I don't have any goals. Zero. Nothing.
I tried to find myself. From the third grade and probably up to the eighth or ninth (now I am finishing the tenth) I was constantly doing something, being sincerely convinced that all this was somehow
it miraculously turns into something. But, as I understand now, I was just wasting time on completely useless activities ...
I tried to study at school, that is, diligently do everything that the teacher asks and requires. For every year I invariably received a certificate of merit, I finished the ninth grade with a red
certificate and now I'm going to the gold medal. But so what? Not a single subject fascinated me, I didn’t study anything, but simply worked for grades: I always carefully completed dz, sitting up to
late at night, memorized paragraphs to chalk them out at the blackboard and immediately forget, memorized formulas in order to do the same with them after successfully writing the control. AT
lately, school requirements have become quite low and stupid, and all my activities have been directed entirely to their satisfaction. Outcome: I have an elementary base
mathematics, elementary literacy in Russian (this year he even became the winner of the regional stage) and, perhaps, some creative abilities: well, there, what kind of essay to organize
suitable ... Everything. Zero for other items. That is absolute zero. In 14 months, shaking a broom, a "woman of the Unified State Examination" will fly in her mortar, and I, in addition to unnecessary basic mathematics and
Russian, is resolutely incapable of passing a single subject, even for a three.
For three years I did taekwondo, a year of karate. When I was just a child and was in the children's group, I sincerely tried, trained every day, prepared for certification for belts ...
And then he moved to an adult group of lively aggressive guys. I was sick, every time I went to training like hard labor, I was afraid, it was unbearable for me to be in a lively active
collective, but I forced myself. What for? Fool. So much wasted time ... Bottom line: none. If I got any skills, then, leaving training, after a couple of years I lost everything.
I graduated from a music school with a guitar class. I felt sick, I hated her, I almost didn’t pick her up at home. But I forced myself to walk, or rather drive to the other end of the city with a transfer,
spending the whole day on all this, which is why I quit taekwondo (really, it would be better to go there) and crammed somehow according to the notes of the piece that they gave me, tried to learn solfeggio (in the beginning),
tried to play extra. instrument - balalaika, was in some kind of ensemble of guitarists. But I didn't play the guitar, just to get off. However, he got off diligently,
so at the end I received an excellent diploma, which I was given especially on a par with truly talented guys. Bottom line: the guitar is gathering dust in the corner, I know the notes, I can play out of tune
a simple piece, for now. There is no hearing, voices too, I can’t pick up the chords. It is not interesting to learn and falsely play simple little pieces for oneself.
Few lessons, but I spent a lot of time on them. I never had friends ... So while others were friends, walked, had fun together, played games, went to the movies and other places, I
stubbornly, like a sheep, I was doing what I was not at all interested in and did not need, and I killed my free time, due to the absence of friends and the home neighborhood of my parents, on the phone and computer. BUT
I should have read the books... But I didn't even read the books. For this, they don’t put the top five ... Blockhead.
Now all I have left is school and plenty of time to look at myself and be horrified. My classmates are already adults, individuals. They fall in love, meet, communicate, somewhere
walk, teach something, do something, prepare for admission to universities, talk about their future profession. I don't do anything, nothing at all. Trying to study at school in the old style,
in order to get a medal (I really have to finish), but they are already pulling me ... In my free time I just struggle with unbearable apathy and depression that tear me apart from the inside.
For all the time I have never received a single guest, I have not gone anywhere with anyone ... For the last few years I have not communicated directly with anyone, only online with people, with
whom I met in dating groups living in hell. I walk exclusively alone, staggering between the houses of the sleeping area, while others have fun in companies and visit
interesting places, admiring the photos of girls while others hugging them ... Over the years of silence, I have created such a distance with my classmates that we don’t even greet each other
friend. It's too late to change anything, and apart from my classmates, I don't cross paths with anyone. Where? I am always at home or at school, sometimes I go out to wander in the nearest yards. Parents never go anywhere
they don’t go, but they won’t let me go anywhere alone.
Most peers know how to do something: draw, sing, play, dance, have an occupation, a hobby. I can't do anything. It's too late to start something... Maybe not. But, firstly,
it will be infinitely difficult for me to convince my parents, secondly, I don’t want anything in particular, thirdly, there’s nothing special. Unless in some stupid section at school. What's the point? There will be no sense
eventually. What am I? Will I learn to throw the ball into the ring? What do I need? Who needs it? Who will be surprised by this? I would like to be able to do something for real, something real. But this takes years. BUT
In a year and two months, I'm already graduating from high school. And I have to do it.
Receipt is an even more sore point. Where? I really don't want anything. It's probably interesting to be an astronaut, of course... That's the point. Where can I even go? More precisely, that
Can I learn from scratch from the subjects in the remaining time?
I will not master profile mathematics, chemistry, physics, biology, computer science. Exactly. Yes, and I don't want to. I don't know what interests me, but it doesn't interest me. What's left? History, society...
You can try in. lang. So what? Faculty of law, philology ... Great! Yes and where? I am unlikely to enter Moscow, and even if I do, my father is very aggressive towards this idea. Like, as on
that I will live there? Maybe right. Apparently, I will study at the local, if at least I master it. Lawyer, graduated from a small university, graduated from the Faculty of History and Law. Yeees! All roads
open. I will work in an office, do the most boring work, get a penny. And most importantly ... What will I know? The laws? Ah, I would like to know something that others do not know, to be able to-
what others can't. But it's too late. At least I don't see such a possibility.
I have great prospects of becoming a nobody. My everyday life is the last year, and all the time, if you do not take into account the music and training, which can be compared with studying at school, because from
I just felt sick the same way: study, lessons, telephone, wandering around the yards alone.
Now I'm trying to learn history, society and English, I'm trying to start reading. Often it turns out to force yourself to sit for several hours with a manual or a book. But all this time
I am torn apart by thoughts: "Do you want to get out of such a hole with the help of cheap manuals and classic books?" And then comes the sad conclusion "Even if I make an enormous effort
and from absolute zero I will learn history, society, English and pass the USE with high scores, I will enter the local university and become a lawyer, perhaps in time a good one. But so what? Childhood
killed, adolescence too. There is hope for a more or less prosperous life for the average person with a boring job chosen out of desperation. I don't want that. I don't want that. But
this is the best I can hope for now" and then I throw the manual aside and pick up the phone, or cry, or go to stagger in the yard.
Rate:
Igor, age: 16 / 03/29/2016
Responses:Dear Igor! The main result of your childhood, despite all the difficulties and today's apathy, is apparently that you felt an inner emptiness. You worked as if for someone to
You have been appreciated. But you will never find yourself that way. The main thing that a person is looking for, and it is surprising that he often does not find it (!), is his priceless, wonderful soul. What we have inside. This is what is not
depends neither on our knowledge, nor on our skills, nor on the assessments of others. This is what we have initially, because it was laid down by the Creator. And the soul strives for more than a simple routine
life than even some social successes and achievements (whether in the capital or in the provinces). Therefore, a person is always dissatisfied until he sees the image of God in himself, feels his
high vocation - to live according to conscience, do good, fight evil (primarily within yourself), do your work honestly, responsibly, realize your talents (for which we also
responsible before God), respect people, help the weak and needy. Otherwise, life will become just existence. What abilities are hidden within you? What do you like as a person
interesting? Can you at least a little be interested in other people and even help someone? You need to get out of isolation and loneliness into the world. None of us just has the right to call
yourself as a nonentity, because each of us is a person called to earth by God to make the world a little better. For the sake of this lofty task, it is very worth working hard. I wish you success!
Natalia, age: 44 / 05/03/2016
Hello! Believe me, you had a childhood. I'm just guessing the reason for your apathy. I may be wrong, but you actually had a happy
childhood. And do you know why? Of course, I don't know if you had tragedies as a child, but you are now describing a rather favorable life. You had
health and opportunities to practice taekwondo. Just believe (Yes, you know yourself.) That not everyone has health. For example, there are children who
are born disabled and for them your life is a fairy tale. You can even play the guitar, and some handicapped children are shaking with tremors. And they
they can't do anything. Literally. They are courted by their parents and they are forever chained to someone. They cannot do what others can do. And
it hurts. Not every child has a family - there are orphans who were not adopted. To have something of their own for them is also a paradise and a pipe dream. There is
children who are beaten are bullied. They even have an exemplary family from the outside, but they did not have real warmth in their lives. They are hated with
the very beginning. And no one wants to think that he lived his life in vain. Everyone clings to some kind of straw so as not to think about what
the suffering they endured was in vain. But there is a great desire to fight. Fight for the happiness that wasn't there. Nobody wants to be unhappy
forever. To do this, you need to fight with something. I'm just guessing that you may not have had true tragedies in your life, which is why you're judging that. Need
find an incentive. To do this, it is better to communicate with those who were a thousand times worse. Try volunteering or befriend the same person-
disabled person with cerebral palsy. You can even become a volunteer and help the disabled. Communicate with those who are worse off. It may sound absurd ... But I think that you
one must learn about human suffering and feel it. Compare with your life. Then you have a lot to think about. You might even want to help.
others. Good luck)
Alex, age: 05/18/2016
I understand you like no one. I will not write to you what the previous ones wrote. I am the same as you. Lost.
How many of you have ever wondered what it's like not to have a home? Don't have a job? Don't have goals?
Who were the people we meet in the garbage heaps and dumps of our city?
The editors of GK.ru asked this question, and after waiting for the evening, we went to the nearest landfill having bought in advance a tool in the nearest store that would help us talk to the frequent inhabitants of beer bottle drop-off points. It is worth saying that at first they did not want to communicate with us and categorically refused to turn their faces. Hearing that in return they would receive the coveted drink, the conversation went better. But our “victims” of the interview refused to be photographed at all.
Before us are two men (it is absolutely impossible to determine their age at a glance, it is easy to make a mistake), and we pester them with questions.
- How did you get to such a life?
- Damn, - both of them answered almost in unison.
Do you remember the first time you tried alcohol?
“I was still small, some kind of holiday, well, I took a sip to try what it was,” the peasant answered us in a surprisingly clean knitted hat (later we learned that his name was Mikhail, or Mikha, as his friend called him, whose name we never dismantled due to an acute shortage of teeth and broken lips).
- Since this all started?- I wonder incredulously.
- No, no, then I spat all over and vowed never to try this rubbish again.
- Did you study anywhere?
Yes, I'm a techie. I am a car mechanic, - Miha says proudly in his voice.
- Did you work in your specialty?
- Yes, it was the case ... - Miha noticeably became despondent. - They threw me there. He worked for them for a year, probably, they paid a penny, and for the last 2-3 months they stopped altogether. Well, at least they gave food, there was something to eat. Then he left there, met him over there, - he points his finger at the peasant standing next to him. - Together we settled down at the door, we worked there for half a year, but the pay was not so hot. Every evening we went home from work, bought a bottle to relax after work. This is probably where it all started.
- Where did you live then?
- I was married, I even have a son. But ... - Miha fell silent.
- Were left without an apartment and a family?
- Yes, - this answer was very hard for him.
- And then you began to spend the night on the street?
- No, am I stupid? Get out with him, - again pokes a finger in the direction of a neighbor. - They began to live in the basement. They brought a sofa there, made a table themselves, in general, all the amenities. At first, he only regretted that there was no TV, but then it somehow became not up to him.
Why don't you want to get a job now?
- What for? Sometimes local grannies ask me why I don't go to work. It means care. But I don't need it, everything suits me anyway. I have a roof, I don’t owe anything to anyone, I depend, as they say, on myself. There is someone to talk to. So, I do not see the point in these works.
- Well, would you like to return to your family? - I don't calm down.
“No,” Mikhail replies rather sharply. “No way, they don’t need me, I don’t need them.
- So no plans for the future?
- How is it any? We want to get the light into our closet, only we need to be cunning so that they don’t spot it, we won’t pay, tea is not fools. Why don't you have a plan? - here his friend pokes his elbow in Mikha's side. - Come on, kids, we need to work, to dismantle all these tanks until the morning. All to you.
Realizing that the conversation is over, we wish them all the best and leave home, not forgetting, of course, to pay in liquid currency.
It is strange, but these two people gave us a very good life example, forcing us to think about our goals and values. 
I have already opened my mouth to overlay it in God, in the heart, in the liver. And stopped short
After all, we simply do not understand anything, and they at least understand to what extent they understand nothing.
A. Strugatsky, B. Strugatsky. "Roadside Picnic".
In the footsteps of the next game "Map of Tambolia" - a little reflection on a highly professional topic. Although, who knows, maybe not so narrowly professional ...
The stalker in the transformation game is an interesting figure.
You know the game. You know the map, you have walked on it yourself more than once, now you are leading others.
People come, play - they have insights and insights. They pay you, thank you, come back again, bring friends...
Against the background of all this, the crown on the stalker's head tends to grow, get heavier, put pressure on the ears, and, finally, slips over the eyes...
... And now you are already "His Majesty the Stalker", who "sees through" all the "problems" of the "client" and therefore feels entitled to "determine fate", give out "correct answers", in general - create all sorts of chaos ...
Why chaos?
Because the need to play "guru" has nothing to do with "Map of Tambolia" (and indeed with such a genre as transformation games, I suspect).
Do you want to teach, guide the way, teach life? It's not a question: find the nearest mountain, climb to the top, gather the afflicted, speak for health.
Just don't call yourself Stalker.
The trick of "Tambolia" is precisely that it is NOT a stalker who creates it, it creates itself. The host is just one of the conditions under which the game will take place. He sets the rules, shapes the space, helps start the process...
But then this process will somehow happen. MYSELF.
And there is a fine line here.
On the one hand, I, as a Stalker, respect the quality of this process - that is, I don’t let it slide into everyday chatter about anything, limit the participants’ attempts to get personal, moderate the discussion, allow everyone who needs it to speak, keep space, set a certain level depth and honesty...
On the other hand, every second I have to remember that I am only a CONDUCTOR.
Not Source. Not the one in charge. I don't have the right to answer at all.
The Pilgrim must find the answer himself. With the help of the card, other participants, but CAM.
As soon as the Stalker allows himself to distribute recipes and verdicts, he immediately collapses and kills the Game itself. It does not allow the very complex magic of the birth of Meaning to happen, which makes Tambolia a unique technology.
What is the hygiene?
How to hold yourself on this razor blade?
Strictly speaking - always remember that no matter how cool and pumped you are - you are just a Human. With my cockroaches, beliefs, values, pains, childhood traumas, perception filters and blah blah blah... I, like any other homo sapiens, tend to generalize, distort and omit information from the outside world. And then her, oh my god! - INTERPRETATE!!!
Based on what? That's right - from your own cockroaches, beliefs, values, pains, childhood traumas, perception filters and blah blah blah ...
We are people. This is how we are.
What to do? "How to take off with all this wealth?"
Keep the channel as clean as possible!
How exactly?
Remember that you are a living person. With all of the above wealth inside your head. This means that you cannot and should not be the bearer of ANY answers. The pilgrim will find the answers himself. Those who want and are ready to hear. Your job is to LET it happen.
Be extremely careful with interpretations. For the duration of the game, you must become NOBODY. Remove your worldview, personal attitude towards the participants, tastes, views, addictions from the field of play ... While you are a Stalker - all this is GARBAGE.
Learn to track your own internal processes. If you suddenly notice that a strong emotion arises in relation to one of the participants (any!) - congratulate yourself: the person simply “hit” your personal pattern. Into your personal thorn. And at this moment, when a knight in shining armor is already waking up inside, eager to bring justice - take a breath and exhale and remind yourself again: I am a Stalker. I just lead people through the map. What they do, how they behave, what answers they find is none of my business at all. I am Stalker.
I'M NOBODY.
Become NOBODY. Get yourself out of the field. At least try.
You still can't "depersonalize" completely. But if you try really hard, the pilgrims will get their own real journey.
Now I'm going to say something really hurtful.
It will be unpleasant, but it will help to remove the crown and with it - the importance.
From myself, first of all.
The essence of stalking is very similar to the function of a sewer pipe! The stalker passes through itself a stream of human processes, ANY! Gently guides them, creating the safest space and boundaries in which they can flow.
Therefore, my stalker task is to clean the pipe. And more often.
Meditate, go to a psychotherapist sometimes, surround yourself with adequate people who are able to give high-quality feedback, learn to hear this feedback...
And therefore, my favorite commandment: "Keep your Brain clean!"
And before you lead people into the game - figure it out with yourself.
Heal up, put the cockroaches on the shelves, throw the rubbish out of your head.
It will take some time, perhaps even several years.
But the quality of stalking will be completely different...
Without "guruism", without "rescue".
But with that magic, when the Game starts to create itself...
And you look and suddenly you feel that you are transforming.
Like every other person on the planet, I have good periods in my life, and sometimes the whole world is against me. And while I hate self-help advice (in the form of quotes under Instagram photos), I sometimes need to cheer myself up. In most cases, to get out of the swamp (and my brain has a penchant for science and mathematics), I need to detonate a logic bomb in front of my nose.
This will be a long article. If you find it in your inbox and you already think what the hell it is, then just delete it. If you are reading this post in a browser window and you see how the scrollbar is moving slowly, because there is still a long way to go, close the tab and return to the collection of chips and tips.
Are you still here? Nothing, all unnecessary will be eliminated using points 1, 4 and 8.
This guide works when all sorts of rubbish happens in life. Someone writes nasty things in the comments? Read this post. Someone demanding a refund for a product you've been working on for five years and still nagging? Read the article. Did you get fired, did a client leave you? Read this post. The zombie apocalypse? Well then stock up on food and weapons. And then read this post.
1. People get offended all the time.
We hold on to our beliefs. We love to talk about how broad our views are, while we ourselves find fault with other people over trifles. Creepy drivers (who speed up when the road widens to two lanes), seventeen-year-old yoga instructors (who talk about the meaning of life in the first 45 minutes of a one-hour session), Internet controversy writers (like me), people who swear or clogging social media feeds...
Take it for granted: whatever you do, someone may be unhappy with it. And will be.
This does not mean that you need to stop doing your own thing. Just don't be surprised when someone reports that .
2. If someone is offended by you, then he noticed you
Before you get discouraged because someone dumped a bunch of dirt, understand that this person took the time and spent it to tell you his opinion. He found you, noticed and appreciated the product you made. Well, yes, he hates you. But you took his time because he takes minutes to talk about his hatred.
Even if you do not answer anything (and you should not), you won. He doesn't want to know anything about you, but you're already on his radar. And then, if someone expresses dissatisfaction, this is the maximum that can happen. Life goes on, the Earth is still spinning, someone is offended, and you have become smarter.
A more tragic scenario: someone complains about you publicly. This is also not so scary, because people pay attention only to what concerns them personally. Therefore, public sensors and Twitter feeds will quickly forget about you.
We go crazy thinking that we will be hated. Especially when we do something for people and put it on the Internet. Better understand that while a few people scold you, the rest silently download your work. Or even buy, which is even cooler.
3. When they don't notice you, it's bad. But that's the way things are
If no one hates you, then no one cares about you. If you need attention for confidence, a sense of self-worth, or, scary to imagine, to make money from it, understand that you will not receive it instantly. The people you pay attention to were once in your place. They want others to start listening to them.
And one more thing: if no one is looking at you, you are truly free.
Dance in your underwear. Write on the table for yourself. Swear like you just got back from a swear word sale. Find yourself. Not in the ways that grown-up hippies do, eating pasta and meditating in the ashram, but in ways that help separate the important things from the unimportant. Do something just because you feel like it. Lay the foundation for the confidence that will soon come.
4. People will judge you no matter what you do. Because they love to judge
Fear makes you worry about what others think. The question of whether people will condemn you is not even worth it, because they will definitely. People love to pretend to be judges, and sentences are frightening.
The real story: I just got an invitation to an event, read it and immediately decided it sucks. I even said out loud, "Fucking hippies!" I was invited to a party to dance, eat organic local produce, drink rosé wine, take pictures with people who wear dreadlocks, do body art and hug all the time. Should others skip the party just because I won't go? No. Is the party going to be terrible because I don't have a high opinion of the hippie scene? Yes, they didn't give a damn about me. They are going to drink their wine (maybe from cups they carved from wood while talking to the fairies), dance all night and party hard.
So. You don't have to do like me. Do like those hippies. Not literally, of course (although who knows), but you understood me.
Look at things from this angle: if you do or don’t do something, someone will judge you anyway. Even if you are afraid and do nothing at all, you will receive a portion. And if there is no difference, maybe it's worth doing something? Thus, even if you criticize yourself, at least you will sleep peacefully at night (tired of wine and dancing - in a figurative sense). And all the rest who are trying to condemn you, you can politely send the forest.
We care about what others say. But it is dangerous to value someone else's opinion above your own.
As the importance decreases, the list should look like this:
- Your opinion about yourself.
- Someone's opinion about you.
There must be a huge distance between the first and second points.
5. Fortunately, condemnation and respect are different things.
Condemnation and respect are not the same thing. People may think you're an asshole, but appreciate you. People can absolutely disagree with you, but recognize your merits.
And vice versa. You may be considered a decent and pleasant person, but not a bit of respect. On pleasant people, it is customary to wipe your feet. Gross, but what can you do. On the other hand, no one will wipe their feet on a person who commands respect.
6. If you respect yourself, others will respect you.
In a world where everyone tries to offend and condemn you, it's damn hard to respect yourself. But necessary.
Figure out what you respect yourself for first, and others will soon start doing the same. This is because people behave like sheep in a herd. They see someone acting in a certain way and start repeating. Like millions of lemmings and hamsters. Derek Sievers told a TED talk about how a guy started dancing and everyone followed suit (or maybe he just drank rosé). And if you respect yourself - loudly and proudly - chances are that others will too. And if not, you will have a whole bag of self-respect, which is cool.
7. Self-esteem and self-confidence are very, very different concepts.
Self-respect means knowing exactly what you are ready to do and what you are not ready to do. This is your honor and dignity. This is the line that you draw to understand your place in life and appreciate what you have done.
Self-respect does not give you privileges and additional rights. Slow down, dude!
Self-confidence is when you think you are worthy of something. You deserve only self-respect and adequate assessment of others. To achieve the rest, you need to work hard. And even then, not everything goes the way you want. The card just didn't fit.
Insolence is the fastest way to lose respect. The world doesn't revolve around you. You don't deserve anything you haven't earned. You need to start small and grow, invest in development. You can’t just go and become famous or earn money on what you love to do. The world works in a different way, and I'm happy about that.
Ashton Kutcher was right when he said, “The way to a good life is to work hard, be smart, considerate and generous. The only thing that can be below your dignity is not to work.
Self-respect does not mean that you deserve something or that you are better than others. This does not mean that you can afford not to take risks (as we all do) and not be interested in what your actions will lead to.
8. The one who does not respect you, you do not need
So, you have downloaded your self-respect. And I realized that self-confidence is rubbish. And some people still don't want to respect you.
The best reaction to these people is this: as long as they do not interfere with you, do not care about them. They will not support your work and will not help you. Get rid of them as quickly and quietly as possible. Otherwise, they will hang on you like a dead weight and prevent you from moving towards victory.
As long as they don't hurt, ignore them. People who do not respect you should not even be allowed to come close to your life. It's not your audience, it's not your pack, it's not your clients. They are not needed at all.
9. You only need those who respect and appreciate you.
If you exclude trolls and assholes from life, there will be two categories of people in the world: those who know nothing about you and those who appreciate you. The first can be ignored until you need to win the attention of the audience. Then you have to tell them about your existence.
The second is your people. The most important to you on the planet. They don't just pay attention to you, they are interested. They should be treated like royalty. Work for them, be generous with them, and make sure they know how much you appreciate them.
10. Even shy people, introverts and “not like everyone else” can be confident
I am a weird little nerd who is afraid of everything, dislikes crowds and loves being alone. I'm definitely not a typical extrovert.
I'm confident, not because I'm selfish (okay, a little because of that), but because I try things, make mistakes, and learn. I've spent my whole life learning how to do a couple of things (and still working on it). You, too, can gain confidence in this way. For this you need to work and study.
You don't have to be loud to be sure. Sometimes the most confident person in the room can only say three things in an entire evening. But when he speaks, everyone else shuts up and listens.
To be sure, you do not need to tell everyone and everyone how much you know. Confident people are aware of their knowledge, and they do not need to prove anything. They share experiences when appropriate or when asked. And they do it to help themselves.
A confident person is not someone who jumps around the stage, shouting platitudes and waving his arms. I bet 100500 million dollars that he just does not feel confident. A confident person can be quiet, reserved, and know when to slow down.
11. Don't worry like tomorrow is the end of the world.
And experiences are your daily reality.
If you spend your nerves on everything and everyone, you will soon be completely without them or, even worse, you will get into nervous debt. There will be no time left, you will waste it on trifles and insignificant people, circumstances will control your life and bury all undertakings in the ground.
If you pay attention to something unimportant too often, then this is a signal that something is not right with your life. You need to look for ideas and people who are worthy of your nerves.
Don't waste yourself on little things you can't control and on people who don't deserve it. For example, trolls. And a long line at the cashier is not worth a single nerve cell. Better meditate.
If you can hold onto your emotions and stock up, you will have something to respond to when you really need it. Take care of your nerves! Hold the negative until the moment when it really needs to be thrown out.
12. You can worry about important things.
When something or someone really matters, you can spend a few nerve cells and strong expressions. Hand out emotions when required, otherwise they will be worthless and you will turn into a cynic. There is only a very small group of people and ideas for which I am willing to risk. And I am ready to spend my experiences on them, because I made a reserve, like a squirrel for the winter.
13. Calmness and apathy are not the same
Apathy is the indifference you feel towards unimportant things. Calmness is the ability not to attach importance to things that do not deserve it. This needs to be thought about, and this needs to be understood.
Calmness is a character trait similar to. Apathy is the absence of feelings.
14. Greatness comes when you are okay with stupidity.
Nobody knows what to do.
Experts, thought leaders who seem to have everything in the world - there are too many opinions to consider in order to decide what will lead to success and what will not. And the whole difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that the first ones did god knows what and continued to do until one of them worked. And then they wrote a bestseller about how they achieved it, as if they knew what they were doing all this time. And they got even tougher. Such a cycle.
Doing something new and unknown is always scary. And no one can guarantee the result. You need to get up, pull yourself up and take a step. Sometimes it is possible to move forward. And sometimes the laces get tangled and you fall face down.
The most successful people are not afraid to look stupid when they try to do something. They think about what will happen, and not about other people's thoughts about themselves.
I even discovered (to my wife's dismay) that I enjoy making a fool of myself in front of an audience. I'll tell you a little-known fact: "losers" enjoy life more because they know when to worry and when to give a damn about other people's opinions, and they have fun drinking their rosé wine and dancing with themselves at concerts (or, like me, in the aisles between the rows in the supermarket).
15. We are all strange, abnormal, different
And you too. Take advantage of this. The only way to stand out is to be the weird, abnormal you. Otherwise, you will merge with the crowd.
Understand what makes you different, even if it's hard to do. All the people you admire and look up to do just that. They have all accepted their characteristics and use them as virtues.
No one has achieved fame and success simply by being the same as everyone else.
And those who seem normal are just pretending. Or maybe you just don't know them well. Everyone has their cockroaches. We are all weirdos. That's why life is so interesting.
16. Abandon the boundaries that other people have set.
If they tell you: "Don't do this, it won't work," understand that these words concern them, not you. People act with the best of intentions, but their advice is based on personal experience, their choices, and all sorts of bullshit.
Set your boundaries and only recognize them. Don't want to answer calls and emails from your boss after 11 p.m. and on Saturdays? Well, don't answer.
Boundaries are like self-respect. Most people would be happy if you stayed within the limits, because they made them up. Let them know that you don't like this state of affairs. From this you will become not an asshole, but a strong personality and a respected person.
Never let anyone set limits. Because these will be other people's settings, not yours, and you will have to follow someone's lead.
17. Be honest with yourself. Know who you are and who you are not
When you gain self-respect and create your own boundaries, you learn a lot about yourself, so you can define who you are. But be honest about this. First with myself, then with others.
It's a lot easier to be honest if you're playing the part you want. Being honest is easier and ultimately more interesting.
18. You can be honest without being rude.
Feel the difference between situations: clearly express your opinion about something or behave like a sheep. If you don't like someone or something, don't fight. Sometimes being honest means just shutting up and walking on by. You don't always have to win to become a great person. Sometimes you need to make others feel like winners. Sometimes it's better to be a nice person than to be right.
Honesty does not give you the right to wag your tongue with impunity, ending your speech with the words: “Yes, I just wanted to tell the truth!” No, you're just being rude. Do not do it this way.
Even other boors do not like boors. If you are rude, you will die alone, surrounded by 17 cats, who will have no one to feed.
To understand when you are honest and when you are just being rude, first think, and then speak. Otherwise, instead of words, you risk giving out a stream of abuse. If you notice such a flaw in yourself, take a five-second pause before starting a conversation. A pause works wonders.
19. The less you expect, the more successful you will become.
The Bhagavad Gita, a mega-wise and old Hindu book, says: "We are worthy of the work, not the fruits of it." Deep and true thought.
Don't start a business just because you want a reward. Start because you want to do it. It's like writing a book because you want to publish a bestseller. No one can guarantee you such a result. You have to write a book because you want to write. With this approach, regardless of the further development of events, you will already complete the task.
Focus on what you're doing as if the outcome doesn't matter.
All the points listed above are worthless without your attention. Attention to others, to your nerves and, most importantly, to yourself. You alone are responsible for your life, start managing it yourself.
Like this. Nineteen hard, invigorating tips to help you win. Now stop reading collections on the Internet and go to work.
