HOW TO AVOID CONFLICT WITH PARENTS?

You gain experience and build your behavior as adults. This is not always realized by the parents who protect, control you, consider you still children. Then you begin to resist the previously fulfilled requirements, more actively defend your rights to independence, react painfully to real or apparent infringements of your rights, and try to limit the claims of adults in relation to yourself.

In turn, faced with manifestations of laziness, dishonesty, low motivation to continue education, parents are disappointed, and a “streak of conflicts” begins. The conflict also arises on the basis of the assertion of your “adulthood”: you begin to stay up late, dress differently, and often break into rudeness. To master a new system of relations, understanding and patience on both sides is important. Thus, identifying problems associated with emerging conflicts is very important for parents and for you.

Causes that encourage parents to come into conflict with children	Causes of conflict between teenagers and parents
Power struggle and parental authority	Opposition to this power
Confirmation of hopes and expectations	Demand for independence
Unwillingness to recognize your independence and "adulthood"	Low academic performance
disbelief in your strength	Self-assertion in the eyes of peers, authoritative people
Frequent fights between parents	A son or daughter supports one of the parents.

Some psychologists tend to believe that anger, which is the instigator of conflicts, needs to be “released” outward, expressed to each other in verbal form. They argue that from a physiological point of view it is harmful to repress, to try to contain any strong feeling or experience. If a person drives deep into the feeling of anger, it may be unsafe for the human psyche. However (and this is even stated in one of the biblical commandments), one should not rush into its manifestation.

We offer ways to suppress anger, emerging aggression:

· Explain the essence and causes of your negative emotions to a third party known for his ability to understand other people, that is, someone who could give you advice and correct your actions.

· Treat the person who irritated you with their behavior with understanding. Try to put yourself in his place and feel his feelings.

· Try to understand the motive behind the person's behavior.

· It's difficult, but try to respond with kindness to someone showing hostility.

Conflict can be both creative and destructive. If the conflict is resolved incorrectly, hostility towards each other arises, the psyche is injured, the merits are hushed up and the shortcomings of its participants are exaggerated. As a result, the conflict can cause serious psychological trauma. It can stay with a person for life and even change it for the worse.

Beware of hurting with a word, humiliating, offending, not understanding. Be more courageous and wiser. Be able to put yourself in the shoes of your parents and understand what they are going through now, during the conflict with you. Of great importance for the normal resolution of the conflict is your ability to listen carefully to them.

TECHNIQUES FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING IN CONFLICT

· Give parents a chance to speak.

· Focus on what they are saying, do not interfere with their speech with your remarks.

· Don't get distracted, conquer what prevents you from concentrating.

· Show your parents that you understand them.

· try to figure out with them what needs to be done. It is better if these are “step by step” actions (first, second, etc.).

We have seen that your conflicts with your parents may have causes, many of which are predictable. For example, you know for sure that you will upset your parents if you arrive late. But there is nothing easier than calling. So do it! Pay attention to your way of communicating. Maybe you should work on it so that it does not become a reason for parental anger or irritation. Conflict also arises when a demand on you is unfair or impossible to fulfill. So try to negotiate! Do you think that in life everyone will only do what to agree with you and assent?

We are sure that your love for your parents and the new knowledge that you have received today on conflict resolution will be enough to resist the temptation to be rude, quarrel, slam the door.

Marina Kobzar
Causes of conflict educator-parent, solutions.

Conflict educator-parent. Causes and solutions.

The world is constantly becoming more complex. To maintain the level of competence, it is necessary to learn something all the time, to engage in self-education throughout life. Continuing education is becoming a necessity. The modern family is increasingly in need of a variety of knowledge: medical, pedagogical, psychological, legal. The activities of the teaching staff of the kindergarten cannot remain aloof from the changing situation in society. Working with the family should take into account modern approaches to this problem. The main trend is to educate parents on independent solving life problems. This implies changes in the system " teacher - parent", requires efforts from the teaching staff of the preschool educational institution.

We all know that complete upbringing preschool child takes place under the simultaneous influence of the family and the preschool institution. Therefore, our main task is to make parents become our active helpers and like-minded people.

We often complain that parents are indifferent to our efforts, that they do not want to make contact, that they are not interested in the life of their children. But have we ever thought about the fact that, perhaps, we cannot arrange people for communication, interest, make it so that in kindergartens it is warm and comfortable not only for children, but also for their parents.

caregiver is an employee of a preschool institution who is not only directly responsible for the life and health of the children entrusted to him, but also carries out educational work in accordance with the kindergarten program.

A parent is a "customer" who brings his child to kindergarten and wants to be in it for his beloved (and often an only child) the most favorable conditions were created. Parent has one child (two three). At educator- on average from 15 to 30. And this should also be taken into account, because the amount of personal attention for each child is inversely proportional to the number of children. And he is also interested in providing favorable conditions for children, without forgetting about his educational responsibilities.

An exercise "Apple and Worm"

Sit comfortably, close your eyes and imagine for a moment that you are an apple. Ripe, fragrant, pouring apple, which picturesquely hangs on a branch. Everyone admires you, admires you. Suddenly out of nowhere a worm creeps up to you and says: "Now I'll eat you! What would you say to a worm? Open your eyes and write down your answer.

Today we will talk to you about conflicts in the system« teacher - parent» . Word « conflict» translated from Latin means "collision".

Conflict is the norm of social life. At the same time, psychologists emphasize the need to create mechanisms for psychological regulation and conflict resolution. Since professional communication in the system "teacher - parent" .

Old English game

Target: revitalize the work of the group, discuss some causes of conflicts.

Content: For this game you will need a small prize for the winner (this can be candy, small toy, souvenir, etc.). One prize requirement: it should not be fragile, as during the game there is a possibility that it will fall to the floor. The coach packs the prize in advance (wraps it in paper, puts it in a box, ties it with ribbons, seals it with tape, etc.).

Before the start of the game, the group sits in a circle, the chairs are moved as close as possible to each other. The trainer turns on cheerful music and passes a large bundle with a prize to one of the participants sitting next to him. He, having received the bundle, immediately passes it around to the next player, that one to the next, etc. Suddenly, the music stops, and the participant with the bundle in his hands quickly begins to unfold the prize. He can do this until the music starts again. Since the sound of the music the prize is again "travels" in a circle until the next musical break. As soon as the music stops, the participant with the prize in his hands continues to unpack it and, when the sounds of music appear, pass it around in a circle. The prize goes to the one who can finally unfold it and pick it up.

Discussion: After the participants shared their impressions of the game, the trainer asks the following questions: “If you and I were asked to make a film about conflict people on the example of this game, then where and at what moments we could play conflicts? What could cause conflicts? Who could be potential participants and why? (For example, conflict could occur at the moment of stopping the music between the participant who unfolds the prize and the participants sitting nearby. One could accuse the trainer of having a biased attitude towards some of the participants and using it at the moments of turning the music on and off, etc.).

Next, the trainer asks the participants to answer questions: “How could the instructions for the game be changed to reduce the chance of conflicts?» (Make instructions clearer, introduce some restrictions, etc.)In which case would it be more interesting to play: In the first (how we played) or in the second (simulated version?

Causes of conflictsdifferences between teachers and parents: the parent is not satisfied with the position of the child in the team, the attitude towards him educator, organization educational process as a whole, etc.

What most often can become a reason for misunderstanding and dissatisfaction?

On the part of the parents, this:

With a child they do little in the garden;

Do not create proper conditions for strengthening his health;

They cannot find an approach to the child;

Use non-pedagogical methods with the child (moral and physical punishment);

Poor child care (didn’t wipe the snot, didn’t change the panties, didn’t change the dirty T-shirt);

The child is forced to eat or, on the contrary, they do not make sure that he eats everything;

Restrict the freedom of the child;

Often punished and complained about the child if his behavior does not suit educators;

They do not take action against hyperactive and aggressive children, especially if their child has been bitten (which often happens in a nursery, hit, scratched.

At there are educators too"your list"claims against parents:

They are disrespectful to the staff of the kindergarten, they can scold in raised tones in front of the child;

Forget to pay receipts, pay on time for additional classes;

They forget to put a change of clothes in the locker for the children;

They bring children to the kindergarten completely unprepared (without basic self-service skills, not accustomed to the daily routine of the kindergarten);

Late pick up of children;

Badly raise children(excessively indulge or, conversely, do not pay due attention to the child; it is usually very difficult to find an approach to such children);

They make unreasonable claims to the staff, find fault with trifles.

Experts usually distinguish four stages of passage conflict:

emergence conflict(appearance of contradictions)

Understanding this situation conflict at least one side

Conflict behavior

Exodus conflict

An exercise "Do you need conflicts with parents?» Orally

The group is divided into two teams: one picks up arguments in favor of the fact that conflicts with parents are unacceptable, the other defends the position that conflicts necessary in communicating with parents. Within 5 minutes, each subgroup writes down their arguments, then reads them aloud.

Positive and negative sides conflicts

Positive Negative

Gaining Social Experience

Normalization of morale

Getting new information

Release of tension

Helps clarify relationships

Stimulates positive change Mood of hostility

Deterioration of social well-being

Formalization of communication

Intentional and purposeful destructive behavior

Emotional costs

Deterioration of health

Decreased performance

Conclusion: Thus, we found that conflicts can carry not only negative traits, but also be useful. The most important thing is to be able to correctly resolve them.

Since professional communication in the system "teacher-parent" conceals a number of such situations, the ability to correctly choose a strategy of behavior in conflict situation for the educator is extremely important.

Psychologists offer 5 ways to get out of conflict situations(hand out tables)

Competition (competition) suggests focusing only on their own interests. Complete disregard for the interests of the partner

Avoidance (evasion) characterized by a lack of attention to both their own interests and the interests of a partner

Compromise is an achievement "half" the benefits of each party.

Adaptation involves increased attention to the interests of another person to the detriment of one's own.

Cooperation is a strategy that takes into account the interests of both parties.

In pedagogical practice, there is an opinion that the most effective way out of conflict situations are compromise and cooperation. However, any of the strategies can be effective. Since each has its own positive and negative sides.

Now let's remember your answers from the exercise "Apple and Worm" and relate to ways out of conflict situations.

(Nr: "Now I'll fall on you and crush you"- competition, “Look, what a beautiful pear is there”- avoidance "Well, well, take a bite of half, leave the rest to my beloved owners"- compromise “Such, apparently, I have a heavy share”- adaptation, "Look, there are already fallen apples on the ground, you eat them, they are also tasty" - cooperation).

It is necessary to develop educators ability to positively resolve conflicts and professionally analyze conflict « parent caregiver» ; promote awareness educator of the causes and consequences of conflict.

conflict situations in the process of interaction educator with the parents of the student may occur in different reasons. Before educator DOW is faced with the task of finding the right way out of this situation.

To form the correct ability to behave with parents and communicate without conflicts, I offer a number of exercises.

An exercise "Your suggestions"

Exercise. Formulate and write down a few recommendations for activities that can help rally educators and parents.

Instruction. To complete the task, it is necessary to divide into subgroups.: each presents its own list of activities and explains the feasibility of their implementation.

An exercise "Presentation conflict situation» .

Target: game modeling of teacher behavior in situations resolve conflicts between teachers and parents. It is necessary to show the outcome of this situation by choosing a role within the group educator and the role of a parent.

An exercise "List of Claims to Parents".

Target: awareness educator the impossibility of building communication on mutual claims.

Instruction: our work involves constant daily communication with the parents of children. Anything can happen in life, we are not always happy with each other, sometimes our closest people cause us negative emotions, our parents do not suit us. Let's analyze our dissatisfaction with the parents of the group and call it a list of claims, we make claims next to each surname, it is necessary to be extremely frank, because claims can be even the most insignificant, but obligatory specific.

Conclusion: to accept people, you need to understand why they do not suit you.

An exercise "Wish you.".

Target: Develop the ability to communicate kindly with parents.

Instruction: to compliment the teacher sitting next to you, acting as one of the parents of your group. The best compliment is the praise of their child's success.

Psychological charge.

To maintain a stable psychological state for you and your parents, as well as for the prevention of various occupational psychophysical disorders, it is important to be able to forget. As if "wash" from memory conflict situations.

An exercise in erasing an anti-stress situation. Sit down and relax. Close your eyes. Imagine a blank landscape sheet of paper in front of you. Eraser pencils. Slowly draw on a piece of paper the negative situation you want to forget. It may be a real picture. Mentally take the eraser and start sequentially "wash" from a sheet of paper presented the situation. Erase until the picture disappears from the sheet. Open your eyes. Check. To do this, close your eyes and imagine the same sheet of paper. If the picture does not disappear, take the eraser again and "erase" until its complete disappearance. After some time, the procedure can be repeated.

Resolve a controversial issue in the present tense, without mentioning past grievances, conflicts.

Adequately perceive to understand the essence conflict from the point of view of psychological mechanisms - the interests, needs, goals and objectives of the parties. Ask a question more often: "Did I understand you correctly (understood?"), This will help to avoid mental barriers.

Be open in communication, friendly and strive to create a climate of mutual trust.

Try to understand the opponent's position "from the inside", putting yourself in his place.

Do not speak offensive, degrading words, do not use disappointing epithets. Sharpness begets sharpness.

Be able to reasonably express their intentions in case of dissatisfaction with the requirements.

In moments of triumph over another, give him the opportunity to "save himself", that is, to get out of the situation with dignity.

When eradicating other people's shortcomings, make those shortcomings look easily remedied.

A Short Course in Benevolent Relationships

Six important words: "I admit that I made this mistake".

Five important words: "You did it just wonderful".

Four important words: "How do you think?"

Three important words: "You advise, please".

Two important words: "Sincerely thank you".

The most important word: "We".

And finally, a little more. Sometimes reviews about kindergartens resemble a program about intrigues, scandals and investigations. Moms and dads spy on caregivers, eavesdrop on what is happening in the group, look for any little thing to find fault with the teacher, because their best child deserves only the best educator. For a scratch, they, at least in words, threaten to "break" or "meet in a dark alley" this " educator"," someone else's aunt "who will never love a child. But after all educator in kindergarten and should not love children as if they were his own. That's why a child has parents. educators do their job, a very difficult job and, in my opinion, worthy of great respect. And if the parent is set to the negative, most likely, according to the law of attraction, he will receive it. A kindergarten is neither heaven nor hell for a child, it is the same stage in his life as a school, an institute, and the ability to build relationships with people who work with our children depends largely on how their life will develop in kindergarten.

Bibliography

1. R. S. Nemov Psychology, t -2. - M., 2003.

2. G. V. Lozhkin Practical psychology conflict. - K., 2000.

3. E. M. Semenova Training of emotional stability. - M., 2005.

When compiling the presentation, several slides were taken from the presentation of Safina Olga Andreevna (teacher-psychologist of the MB DOW "Kindergarten No. 209") "Business game"

Why do they arise and continue conflicts between parents and adult children; what are the true causes of confrontation and confrontation between close and dearest people; what needs to be done to solve - we will try to answer these and other questions in this article.

Causes of conflict between parents and adult children

The problem of fathers and children is eternal, but in modern society it can be solved by understanding and realizing causes of conflict between parents and adult children and learning how to conduct a constructive dialogue to build relationships.

In order to understand and understand the causes of conflict situations in relationships between parents and adult children, you need to go back to the past and take a look at how parent-child relationships were built; what mistakes were made in raising a child when programming a life scenario, the future of a son or daughter; what styles of family education were used; whether the punishments and encouragement of children by parents were correctly applied, and most importantly: did the parents love their child, or only regretted it, treating him as a helpless victim, because of which, from an early age, a psychological game according to the Karpman triangle could form, which, perhaps, continues to this day, already in relationships between parents and adult children leading to constant conflicts, confrontations and confrontations.

After that, you can establish good, conflict-free relations between parents and adult children.

Who is to blame for the conflict between parents and adult children

In any confrontations and confrontations, including conflicts between parents and adult children, each side tries to blame its opponent for the relationship problem: the parent blames the grown-up child for dislike and disrespect; adult children blame their parents for everything ... the situation is a dead end, often repeated and leading to nothing good.

First of all, each of the participants in a dispute or conflict, including those who are wise (as it seems to them) by life experience, parents who are impeccable and unmistakable in their views and judgments, and adult children with their modern views on life and the world as a whole, need to look for the source of the problem in relationship in itself, and not in the opposing, conflicting side.

Parents need to understand that adult children, son or daughter, are independent and unique individuals who do not have to live and act in accordance with parental desires, expectations and needs.

Adult children, of course, should respect and honor their parents, but should not expect them to understand modern views, life values ​​and priorities ... each generation, and indeed, each person, has his own worldview and understanding of himself, other people and the world in in general.

Both parents and adult children, understanding and feeling not only themselves, their desires and needs, but also another person, no matter whether he is a parent or a child biologically, excluding any hint of egocentrism and youthful maximalism, will be able to achieve instead of empty, destructive competition in interpersonal relationships , constructive dialogue and cooperation, mutual understanding and mutual assistance.

It is necessary to destroy, along with the negative game, the stereotype of constant conflicts, confrontations and problems in the relationship between parents and children, the stereotype of "Fathers and Sons".

For starters, you can understand the rules of behavior in conflict situations, including, conflicts between children and parents.

How to solve relationship problems between parents and children

To solve relationship problems between parents and children, resolve the conflict situation and establish good relations on the basis of cooperation and constructive interaction, it is necessary to convene a “family council” (“round table”) and start an adult, business and constructive dialogue on an equal footing.

Those. Parents need to “turn off” their mentoring, mentoring, overprotective and patronizing attitude towards their adult children. And the last, stop treating parents as obsolete, not understanding anything in modern times, with preconceived views on life of the ancestors.

Of course, at first, in building relationships and conducting a constructive dialogue, you may need the help of a psychologist, or another intermediary authoritative for both parties.

However, if the participants of the "round table" have rather mature personalities, then they can try to come to a common denominator and cooperation in the relationship between adult children and parents without an intermediary.

The main thing is that: both parents and adult children have a desire for close, friendly and respectful relationships with each other; to live without conflict and rivalry, but by cooperating and helping each other.

Your interpersonal, conflict-free relationships are in your hands...

Consider in this article conflicts between parents and children– how and why they occur and how they can be resolved. Conflict situations lie in wait for us at almost every step, and in some cases the case ends in an open dispute, in others - in an unspoken and hidden resentment, and sometimes even a real "battle".

Causes of conflict between parents and children

Let's take one of the typical examples of the cause of the conflict between parents and children (is it familiar to you?): the family is watching TV in the evening, but everyone wants to watch their own. For example, the son is an avid fan, and he expects to watch the broadcast of a football match. Mom is tuned in to the next series of a foreign film. An argument flares up: mom can’t miss the episode, she “has been waiting for her all day”; the son cannot refuse the match in any way: he "waited for it even longer!".

What creates a conflict situation and leads to "heat of passions"? It is obvious that the matter is in the clash of interests of the parent and the child, which gives rise to a conflict. Note that in such cases, the satisfaction of the desire of one side means the infringement of the interests of the other and causes strong negative experiences: irritation, resentment, anger. What to do in such cases?

Unconstructive conflict resolution

The well-known psychologist Yu. B. Gippenreiter unites two well-known non-constructive ways of resolving conflicts under the name "Only one wins."

The first non-constructive way to resolve the conflict between parents and children can be called "Only the parent wins": Parents who are inclined to use the first method believe that it is necessary to defeat the child, to break his resistance. Give him freedom, so he "sits on the neck", "will do what he wants."

Without noticing it themselves, they show children a dubious example of behavior: "always achieve what you want, regardless of the desires of another." And children are very sensitive to the manners of their parents, and imitate them from early childhood. So in families where authoritarian, forceful methods are used, children quickly learn to do the same. They, as it were, return the lesson taught to adults, and then "the scythe finds a stone."

There is another version of this method: gently but persistently demand that the child fulfill his desire. Often this is accompanied by explanations with which the child eventually agrees. However, if such pressure is a constant tactic of parents, with the help of which they always get their way, then the child learns another rule: "My personal interests (desires, needs) do not count, you still have to do what the parents want or demand."

In some families, this goes on for years, and the children are constantly defeated. As a rule, they grow either aggressive or overly passive. But in both cases, they accumulate anger and resentment, their relationship with their parents cannot be called close and trusting.

The second non-constructive way to resolve the conflict between parents and children- "Only the child wins": This path is followed by parents who are either afraid of conflict ("peace at any cost"), or ready to constantly sacrifice themselves "for the good of the child", or both. In these cases, children grow up as selfish, not accustomed to order, not able to organize themselves.

All this may not be so noticeable within the family "universal compliance", but as soon as they go out the door of the house and join in some common business, they begin to experience great difficulties. At school, at work, in any company, no one wants to indulge them.

In such a family, parents accumulate dull dissatisfaction with their own child and their fate. In old age, such "eternally compliant" adults often find themselves alone and abandoned. And only then comes insight: they cannot forgive themselves for softness and unrequited self-giving.

A constructive way to resolve conflicts: "Both sides win: both the parent and the child"

The solution algorithm includes several steps:

• 1. Clarification of the conflict situation;
• 2. Collection of proposals;
• 3. Evaluation of proposals and selection of the most suitable one;
• 4. Detailing the solution;
• 5. Implementation of the decision; examination.

The first step is to clarify the conflict situation: First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or does not want, what he needs or is important, what makes it difficult, etc. He does this in the style of active listening, that is, he necessarily voices the desire, need or difficulty of the child. After that, he talks about his desire or problem, using the "Me Messages" form. For example: "You know, I was really looking forward to this show (instead of: "Don't you know that I watch it every day?!").

Once again, I note that it is necessary to start with listening to the child. Once he makes sure that you hear his problem, he will be much more willing to hear yours and participate in finding a joint solution. Often, as soon as an adult begins to actively listen to the child, the severity of the brewing conflict subsides.

The second step is the collection of proposals: this stage begins with the question: "What should we do?", "What can we think of?", or: "What should we do?". After that, you must definitely wait, give the child the opportunity to be the first to offer a solution (or solutions), and only then offer their options.

At the same time, not a single, even the most inappropriate, from your point of view, proposal is rejected from the spot. At first, the proposals are simply typed "into the basket". If there are many proposals, they can be written down on a piece of paper. When the collection of proposals is over, take the next step.

The third step is to evaluate conflict resolution proposals and select the most appropriate one.: at this stage, joint discussion of proposals takes place. The "sides" by this time already know each other's interests, and the previous steps help create an atmosphere of mutual respect. When several parties are involved in the discussion, the most acceptable proposal is the one that suits all participants.

Step four - detailing the decision made: suppose the family decided that the son is already big, and it’s time for him to get up on his own, have breakfast and go to school. This will free mom from early troubles and give her the opportunity to get enough sleep. However, one solution is not enough. It is necessary to teach the child to use the alarm clock, show where what food is, how to warm up breakfast, etc.

Fifth step - execution, verification: Let's take this example: the family decided to unload mom, to share household chores more evenly. After going through all the stages, we came to a definite decision. It would be nice to write it down on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall (see step four).

Suppose the eldest son had such duties: take out the garbage, wash the dishes in the evenings, buy bread and take the younger brother to the garden. If earlier the boy did not do all this regularly, then at first, breakdowns are possible.

Do not blame him for every failure. Better to wait a few days. At a convenient moment, when he and you have time, and no one is annoyed, you can ask: "Well, how are you doing? Is it working out?".

It is better if the child himself speaks about failures. Perhaps there will be too many of them. Then it is worth clarifying what, in his opinion, the reason. Maybe something was not taken into account, or some help is needed; or he would prefer another, "more responsible" assignment.

In conclusion, dear friends, it is worth noting that this method does not leave anyone with a sense of loss and will help to resolve the conflict between parents and the child as effectively as possible. He invites cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.