Such relationships are called codependent. This means that you are too absorbed in your partner - your self-esteem depends on his approval, and his emotions and actions are always always more important than yours.

Codependency is “an unhealthy, inadequate, or dangerous need for another person,” says Andrea Miller, author of Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy and Lasting Love, “I would say that fear and need prevail in such relationships instead of love and abundance.”

Wanting your partner's support and reassurance that your relationship is unique and special is normal. But codependent people really need the constant approval of a partner. Such relationships can be arranged in different ways - sometimes both partners suffer from inadequately strong attachment to each other, and in some cases only one of the partners depends on the other, while the second may even enjoy his power and control.

If you suspect that you are the dependent partner, the list below will help you find out if you are. And if the signs below apply to your partner, he or she may be an addict.

Are you afraid to make your own decisions?

If you feel the need to involve your partner in every aspect of your life without exception - asking him for permission to meet with friends, or to accept an offer for a promotion - this may mean that you are in a codependent relationship.

“Of course, it’s worth listening to your partner’s opinion, but if you can’t make a single decision at all without his approval, you may be too dependent on him,” says New York City psychiatrist Gail Saltz.

Long-term relationships require compromises from time to time. But if you're afraid to make decisions without asking your partner's opinion, it may mean that you don't trust yourself. Therefore, you choose not what seems right to you, but what your partner wants.

You are ready for anything, just to avoid quarrels and disputes

If you most often agree with your partner on everything from politics to dinner menus, it may mean that you are a good match for each other. But agreeing 100% of the time can be a sign of addiction, says Gale Saltz.

This means that "you don't have your own opinion and your own identity," she explains. “An emotionally mature and healthy person who feels love and trust will not be afraid to express his opinion, even if it does not coincide with the partner’s position.”

But the dependent person is more likely to remain silent, fearing that his disagreement may provoke a quarrel that will jeopardize the future of the relationship.

Disputes and disagreements should not be feared: in a healthy relationship, partners are well aware that they cannot have a common opinion on all possible issues.

Your partner's interests are always more important than your own.

Those of us who tend to please others, who prioritize the needs and wants of a partner over our own, are particularly prone to codependency.

Such people are “constantly solving other people's problems and have an unhealthy tendency to over-concern for others,” explains Andrea Miller. This form of codependency - overprotectiveness - is not limited to love relationships.

Miller gives the example of a mother-daughter relationship: “One woman told me how every night she asked her adult daughter, who lived with her, a million questions like “Can I cook dinner for you?”. The daughter tried in every possible way to move away, literally suffocating from annoying care.

Of course, the mother tried to take care and please her daughter with the best of intentions, but as a result she only harmed their relationship, because she did not trust either herself or her daughter with the right to make independent decisions.

Codependency in love relationships manifests itself in the same pattern.

For the sake of a partner, you are ready to give up principles

Each of us has certain boundaries of the comfort zone, which are unpleasant to go beyond. If you notice that you regularly violate these boundaries for the sake of your partner, this may mean that you are codependent.

For example, you adhere to the rule never to lend more than $50. But when your partner asks to lend him a larger amount, without giving any serious reason, you give up and agree. And convince yourself that you are doing it out of love.

“You compromise your principles—as if you start to forget who you are and what is acceptable to you,” says New York-based clinical psychologist Chloe Carmichael.

Your partner's hobbies that you don't share play a big role in your life.

By showing interest in our partner's hobbies, we show that we are ready to try something new for ourselves in order to spend more time together. But we don't have to love everything our partner likes. In those couples where partners maintain a close but healthy relationship, they give each other the opportunity to pursue their hobbies separately from each other.

If you notice that your partner’s hobbies and hobbies are starting to draw you in, despite the fact that they are not interesting to you, it’s worth considering: where does the need to accompany him to every football match or heavy music concert come from?

“If these activities do not match your personal preferences, ask yourself: do you really feel desirable with this person? Do you feel calm and safe?” Chloe Carmichael advises.

Most often, the willingness to give up your interests and values ​​for the love of a partner is a clear sign of insecurity.

You are constantly jealous

“Codependent partners usually suffer from low self-esteem. Because of this, they feel the threat of competition from the people with whom their partner maintains a relationship, even if they are close friends or relatives, ”explains Miller.

As a result, jealousy and discontent accumulate in the depths of their souls. They usually do not show these feelings to their partner so as not to jeopardize the relationship.

“They think: if he has some kind of relationship with others, I am no longer needed,” says Miller. This often leads to passive-aggressive behavior.

In healthy relationships, partners can sometimes feel envious when looking at their loved one's intimate relationship with a friend or relative. But they never let that envy destroy the couple. If they express their objections, they do so without any bitterness or accusations.

You need to always know where your partner is now

Nowadays, email and messenger messages have become common forms of communication. But if you send such messages to your partner too often, this may indicate codependence.

“Of course, if something bad happens, you want to know right away, but constant text messages to a partner can be a sign of a lack of trust,” says Miller.

It is quite normal to exchange messages several times a day. But if you send one message after another when your partner is chatting with friends, and get angry and anxious when you don't get a response, it could mean that your relationship is on shaky foundations.

Non-codependent partners give each other freedom and do not feel threatened when a partner spends time with someone else.

You insistently demand that your partner change for you

Agreeing with a partner on all issues is one of the signs of codependency. But constant pushy demands and complaints about what your partner does or doesn't do can also be a sign of codependency.

“An emotionally mature person is able to tell himself that he chose this partner - the way he is. And not to be pushy, begging your partner to change, but at the same time not to be a “rag” who is not able to stand up for himself, ”says Miller.

If you are not satisfied with his true nature, it is worth rethinking your relationship and its prospects, and not waiting for the other person to change for you.

AT feedback about my past articles on codependency in relationships, I received a lot of letters with an offer to write recommendations on how to get rid of this scourge. Of course, the main recommendation is to turn to a psychologist for individual work with those features that lead to the fact that relationships are built exactly according to the co-dependent type. Here it is important to take into account that these traits are laid down quite early, even in childhood, in the course of assimilation of the very first experience of relationships - relationships with parents. Apparently, something in this experience was unsatisfactory, and therefore similar features were formed. Accordingly, since these traits are laid down in relationships, then they can also be changed within the framework of communication - communication with a psychologist (psychotherapist, psychoanalyst). If the relationship in which you are involved contains not only violations in the line of communication, but also violence (physical, sexual), severe addiction (alcoholism, drug addiction), then you should contact a specialist immediately. Working on codependent traits is a fairly lengthy process. The well-known psychologist-specialist in codependency Berry Weinhold in his book provides data that work with a psychologist in this direction, as a rule, takes from 2 to 5 years.

What can you do yourself?

Below I will try to formulate a few recommendations that may be useful to those who are now in such a relationship. Try to take this list critically, for sure not all of these recommendations will suit you, but perhaps some of this will be useful to you. Also, this list should not be considered complete, it is far from being the same, which is why I added “part 1” to the title of the article. I will try to write a continuation of the list in the near future. And note that in this list, I do not use priority - the first item is not necessarily the main one. I think that each person will have their own priorities, because everyone has their own life story. There are no identical people, respectively, and universal recommendations are hardly possible.

So the list is:

Pay attention to your feelings. Try regularly asking yourself how are you feeling right now? It may be difficult to answer this question at first. But the more you pay attention to this sensory sphere, the easier it will be to distinguish one state from another, and the more gradations will appear. In the initial stages, a cheat sheet in the form of a list of feelings can be useful. Make a list for yourself of what feelings are (here is the beginning of the list: anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, guilt, shame, joy, love, surprise ... continue this list so that you get 15-25 points).

Pay attention to your needs. Try to regularly ask yourself the question of what you want right now? What are you missing? Try to learn to answer this question honestly and without criticism for yourself.

Build your family tree. The work of compiling a family tree is good for gaining more confidence and for feeling some kind of support in life (“my family is my support”). Such work allows you not to forget that your ancestors lived before you, and since you live now, it means that they were able to cope with the life difficulties that fell to their lot. If they did it, then you can do it too, because you have their genes and upbringing (direct or indirect). Also, when compiling a tree, think about the conditions and situations in which your ancestors lived. What family values ​​could be formed and transmitted in this or that situation? For example, what kind of message for the family can be formed by a woman whose husband was killed during dispossession? For example, it can trigger a generic message not to be rich (“if you become rich, they will kill you during dispossession, so don’t be rich, sabotage your success”).

slow down. People in co-dependent relationships often tend to react impulsively to ongoing processes in the relationship. Try to slow down a bit and not react automatically. Automatic reactions are not always the best solution to a problem. So try to add more awareness to the relationship. Perhaps someone will remember how they received such advice as a child: before you commit an act, count to 10. There is some truth in this advice. It is this pause that opens up the opportunity for us to respond to the situation differently. At any given time, there are plenty of opportunities in front of us. But if we act automatically, then we close these possibilities for ourselves. Imagine that someone is rude to you in transport. In this situation, you can automatically respond with counter aggression, or you can pause and notice that there are many possible response options: you can respond with aggression, you can respond with friendliness, understanding, acceptance, detachment, a question, etc. Awareness of this choice is the merit of a pause, and the choice itself opens up a field of freedom and responsibility for us. And it may turn out that if you react differently to the words or actions of your partner, you will get a different development of the situation. The well-known psychotherapist James Bugental in his lectures often cited a metaphor-caricature from a newspaper, which depicts a family, dad, mom and a child that leaves the cinema, and the child asks his parents: “Dad, mom, are we alive or are we also on film? ". Bugenthal pointed out that this is the central question of our life - are we alive, or are we on film? And pauses, not impulsive reactions to situations, allow us to see the possibilities that we have and make our own choice, and not the choice dictated by previously built internal schemes.

Reduce anxiety and stress. Relaxation, massages, SPA treatments, etc. can help here. For more tips on this topic, see the article on relaxation skills:

Learn not to show negative feelings, but to talk about them. We all deal with negative feelings in a relationship sometimes, and how we communicate them to our partner matters. In extreme cases, one partner shows direct violence against the other. This is an example of a situation where aggressive feelings are expressed directly, which leads to the suffering of a partner and to the fact that something in his body and soul breaks. In other situations, an aggressive person may begin to humiliate, devalue or intimidate their partner. This is also aggression, also violence, emotional violence. Very often, an aggressive partner feels anger in himself, but cannot feel what is behind this anger (for example, helplessness and fear), and then he shares his feelings with his partner: showing his aggression, he expresses the anger that he feels, and seeing the fear and helplessness that appears in a partner, he internally rejoices that he himself does not feel this (as if he got rid of this state in himself). All of these described situations are destructive for the partner, destructive for the relationship and immoral. Therefore, it is important to learn not to show negative emotions to your partner, but to talk about them through speech. For example, say "you know when you switch the TV without my asking, I get angry." Such pronunciation of their emotional states can help in establishing a marital dialogue.

Do not wait for the appearance of sincere feelings on your part, but act as if you already have them. Often one of the partners believes that it is not worth imitating feelings if they are not there, therefore it is not worth showing the behavior to which they could induce. For example, a husband may report that he does not feel love for his wife, and therefore does not show tenderness, care, attention, etc. in his behavior. He seems to be waiting for his feelings to appear sooner or later, and then he will begin to show all this. But in practice, if you have chosen to live with this particular partner, it makes sense to act as if these feelings are there. Perhaps, over time, you will notice that this feeling will appear after your behavior. And if it does not appear, then the relationships themselves will still be more harmonious than those where you do not show the appropriate behavior. Agree, it will be much more pleasant for a partner to receive at least something from you than to receive nothing. And his response is also not long in coming. In other words, this principle can be formulated as follows: if for you something is a value in a relationship, then you should not wait for any special conditions in order to demonstrate it.

The article was written by psychologist Roman Levykin (Record for a consultation:
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Reprinting site materials is welcome provided a hyperlink to my site ()

"Two empty lakes cannot form one big deep sea"

codependence is a relationship between two mentally addicted people.
REASONS FOR CODEPENDENCE
In order for the “I” of a person to fully develop, it is necessary to feel safe and trust in the world in the prenatal period, as well as in newborns, infancy and early childhood.These sensations are provided by the mother of the child with her predictability in caring for him, boundless love, emotional responsiveness, complete acceptance and satisfaction of his needs for affection, care, food, drink, warmth. If a child lies for a long time in wet diapers, is not always full, he is not given a breast when he asks for food for a long time, or later, when he badly needs the emotional warmth of his mother, he is denied this, he has no choice but to find in further mental addiction. In adulthood, it may manifest itself in dependencies from alcohol, gambling, computer or people, in the form of codependent relationships.

The security that a mother provides allows you to trust the world and become an active explorer of the world and yourself, and in the future feel the desire to build relationships with other people. In the absence of security, there is fear and anxiety that the world is unpredictable, poses a threat, the need to control situations and other people in adulthood. The “I” of such people cannot develop fully. In order to breathe deeply, they need someone, it is vital for them to “stick” to him. This someone should satisfy their needs and give them a sense of security in the outside world. The trouble is that this someone is usually also mentally dependent person.

FEATURES OF CO-DEPENDENTS
codependent a person in a relationship with a loved one is focused not on his own feelings, but on him. At codependent there is a need to control the partner, as well as the expectation of deception and betrayal on his part.
A loving person does not require anything in return for his love; in moments of absence of a loved one, he may experience discomfort or longing, but they are bearable. He can live fully, unlike codependent, whose life is impossible without an object of affection. He is absorbed by feelings of longing, despair, depression, it becomes impossible to lead an active life in situations of temporary or prolonged separation. Codependent may include sensations reminiscent of drug withdrawal during periods of absence or inability to control the one on whom he is dependent. codependent cannot live without the object of his affection, since all his desires will remain unsatisfied and the strength of internal discomfort will be enormous. codependent strive, without realizing it, for his needs (spiritual, emotional, material, sexual, communicative) to be satisfied by another person.
Codependents tend to say "We" rather than "I" and "He" ("She") about relationships and each other. This comes from the fact that codependent Since childhood, the structure of "I" has been violated. They need another person like air and water in order to feel the fullness of their “I”, since it is not complete. Their "I" can be compared with half an apple, in order to feel complete, one more half is needed - the "I" of another person.©The author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/

Any dependent person- a person suffering, prone to self-destruction (as a rule, through the consumption of unlimited or vice versa very small amounts of food, smoking and alcohol). The reasons for this are in fetal development and childhood. Not only violation of care, emotional coldness and rejection of the child, but also inconsistency (today I love, accept, tomorrow I forget, reject) in care and attitude on the part of the mother will lead in the future to codependency in a grown child.

SPECIFICITY OF CO-DEPENDENT RELATIONS
Relations- in which people cannot live without each other, although together it is very difficult and sometimes unbearable for them - they often resemble love. However, with love codependency has nothing in common. Alas, codependent a person uses the so-called beloved to feel the fullness of his own personality and inner comfort, these relationships bring a long-awaited feeling of euphoria from the realization of one’s own need and the need to be needed by another person - this was deeply lacking in childhood, but he is not capable of love, since his “I » badly damaged.
all attention codependent of a person is focused on his partner. The positive or negative background of his mood also depends on the partner's attitude towards him. If the partner is preoccupied with other matters, the mood of codependent falls sharply, he is overcome by anger or plunges into depression and melancholy. codependent a person cannot satisfy his needs on his own, without any participation of a partner, hence the numerous claims against a partner and dissatisfaction with his behavior, because codependent convinced that he knows what his chosen one should be, and sincerely hopes that he will change and become the way he wants to see him.

Codependent relationships full of passions, jealousy, strong conflicts. Alcohol is often mixed in. But most importantly, codependent relationship- even if sometimes there is euphoria in them - deeply unhappy, exhausting, devastating, destroying the personalities of both relationships.

HOW TO GET RID OF CODEPENDENCE
Significant amount psychologist ov (Gestaltists), physicians believe that codependency- like a disability: you are without a leg, and it will not grow, so codependency will not disappear. You can't get rid of her. Nevertheless, the human psyche is largely a mystery and contains a sea of ​​potential. And a row psychologist ic directions give a person a chance to get rid of this scourge that cripples human destiny. Efforts should be focused on the development of your "I", and not on how to control and remake the other person.
First You need to learn how to meet your needs on your own. To begin with, they must be recognized. Describe your spiritual, material, emotional, sexual, communication needs. To what extent does your partner satisfy these needs? Look at the area whose needs it satisfies very weakly - for sure - this is a sore spot in your relationship.
You need to learn how to satisfy all your needs yourself. Here it means - to take the initiative in your own hands, to be active, not to pin hopes on a partner in the implementation of your ideas.©The author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/

Second take responsibility for your life. Then you will not have a desire to look for someone to blame for your problems and misfortunes. Strive to overcome life's difficulties without looking for external support, and if you need something from a loved one, just ask him about it without complaints and resentment, without expecting that he will guess about your desires.
AT psychologist and there is a common notion of internal and external loci of control. A person with an external locus of control explains his problems with external causes, looks for someone to blame, and is passive for changes in his life.
A person with an internal locus of control believes that everything that happens in his life depends entirely on himself, and he has the power to change his life for the better. Codependents are people with an external locus of control. They have developed it so strongly that they practically stick to another, cannot part with it, and want to control the life of their partner themselves. You can truly feel free only with an internal locus of control. Do not take on the role of a passive victim, become an active creator and creator of your life. Immerse yourself in the activity, do not be afraid to take reasonable risks, trying to achieve success in it. This is a productive way to get rid of codependent relationships and the transition to a mature relationship.
Third , value yourself (personality, body, life, activities, your relationships). Codependents easily allow their partners to do unthinkable things with themselves, without putting themselves in anything. They have very little self-esteem. Pride, contentment with yourself and your work - that's what you need to strive for.
fourth , emotionally codependent very often on edge. Their nervous system is shattered, they are being taken over anger, resentment, fear, guilt. Endless quarrels with a partner are spiritually devastating and mentally draining. Normalize your emotional state. Engage in relaxation, meditation, learn to control your anger and restlessness. Sleep a lot, walk, eat right, exercise, yoga. So you strengthen your nervous system, and this is a necessary condition for a normal emotional state. Hippotherapy, art therapy or personality therapy with psychologist help to fully restore the emotional sphere of a person.
Fifth , for codependent the thought of being alone for a while, voluntary loneliness, is invalid. They hold on to every connection loneliness it seems to them something reprehensible, humiliating, in loneliness they are unbearable, they feel rejected, abandoned, they are overcome by melancholy and depression. However, voluntary loneliness- a necessary condition for the development of personality, strengthening the "I", independence and self-sufficiency. A person who loves to be alone can comprehend a lot in himself, is not afraid of himself, does not run away from himself. Codependents do not accept themselves, they constantly need someone on whom they will project what they reject in themselves and make them responsible for their lives. This someone else and the one who constantly needs to be taken care of, forgetting about himself, and then making claims that he is not the same as he would like, does not change according to expectations, and does not love you as much as you love him.
Can't get rid of codependent relationships running away from himself. Learn to be alone, think about your life, about yourself, and not about your partner and your relationship, let him go, live your life. Only by strengthening your "I", you will be able to love this or another person. A person with blurred boundaries of the “I”, a weak “I” cannot love, she can only “stick” and become dependent on her partner.
sixth , enjoy life! Codependents too often experience negative destructive emotions and feelings: anger, guilt, resentment, fear, anxiety sinking into depression. Set a goal to experience positive feelings: joy, interest, pleasure. Focus on yourself, not your partner. Be more often in nature, fueled by energy near the forest, reservoirs. Remember the hobbies that once gave you a lot of pleasure, restore them, or find new ones, but fill the inner void not with alcohol or another person and thoughts about him, but with hobbies, activities, rest.
seventh , codependent believe that the other person must necessarily be the way they want to see him. Try to give up the desire to remake your chosen one (s) and demand from him (her) that he (she) meet (a) your expectations. Learn to feel the boundaries of your personality and the personality of another person, respect these boundaries. Not "WE", but "I" and "HE" ("SHE"). My desires, his (her) desires, not ours; my feelings, his (her) feelings, not ours. Feel your life, your "I", its boundaries. Do not blur these boundaries by turning "I" into "WE".©The author of the article you are reading now, Khramchenko Nadezhda/

love addiction- a deep problem of the personality, the cause of which is a disturbed "I". The path to fullness is long and complicated, akin to recovery / remission from alcoholism and drug addiction. To become holistic sometimes you need to work on yourself for years. It will help to reduce this time by hundreds of times psychologist. Love addiction, codependency, counterdependency, love anorexia are my specialty. You can contact me for a single consultation to outline your own plan for independent work on your personality or take an individual course with a psychologist in person, via Skype or by choosing telephone counseling. You can book a consultation

If you really want to be happy, strive to get rid of codependency!She isbrings suffering destroys a person, disfigures, distorts, turning him into a weak-willed creature, unable to cope with his instincts, who also hates himself for this weakness. Only a full-fledged person with a strong “I” is capable of love, becoming happy herself and making a loved one happy. Create your relationships by moving along the creative path!

Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: Codependent relationships differ from so-called normal relationships in how we feel about them. In normal and we feel normal, i.e. calm, not tense. And in a co-dependent relationship, a person feels either as if he is obliged to do something in relation to another person, or forced, or “uncomfortable to do so” in relation to another.

Codependency in relationships - ways to get rid of

Much has been written on the topic of co-dependency in recent years. And I do not mean now the relationship between a person who abuses something and his relatives who are addicted to his abuse. I mean that emotional and behavioral dependence, which is one of the types of relationships between people who are not self-sufficient, entering into relationships on an unequal basis. That is, not as equal partners who have a conscious understanding of their own and others' boundaries, as well as an understanding of projections in their perception of others.

Long definitions and criteria for distinguishing between codependent and non-codependent relationships, I will not give. I am writing this article for practical purposes.: for those people who already quite well understand the term “co-dependent relationship” itself, and realize that such relationships have happened in their life. Or maybe they continue to take place, but the person has already “ripened” to get rid of them, but does not know how to do it. My article will be about ways.

I will bring to your attention a algorithm, using which, without outside help, you can deal with the moments for which you are “hooked” by codependency b. So that then there would be an opportunity in relations with the same people with whom these relations had previously seemed difficult or unbearable, to feel differently. That is, much freer and calmer. I will add here that codependent relationships differ from so-called normal relationships in how we feel about them. In normal and we feel normal, i.e. calm, not tense. And in a co-dependent relationship, a person feels either as if he is obliged to do something in relation to another person, or forced, or “uncomfortable to do so” in relation to another.

This is one of the main characteristics by which we can determine the nature of our relationships with other people - whether they are codependent or not. That is, do we have a feeling (or a feeling, everyone manifests it in their own way) that we are somehow obligated or burdened by relations with another person, and if they are not burdensome, then we seem to be connected with him and it seems to untie terrible or unbearable.

I hope it's more clear now what I mean by codependency and what I propose to work with in order to feel free and good - regardless of whether you have a relationship and with whom they are. For, as soon as we get rid of the codependency component, the relationship ceases to be a burden and begins to develop, and we have the opportunity to develop in these relationships without binding others.

It is "not linking". “Linking” occurs because in a codependent relationship, the connection is always two-way.. And if it seems to us that we are being controlled or manipulated, that it is “sucking energy” out of us, then this all happens not due to some manipulation abilities of others, but due to the fact that in ourselves there is something for which this connection is “attached” to us, therefore, in fact, we react so sharply: either with irritation, or with anger, or even with a desire, by some kind of strong-willed effort, to break and stop this connection with the “tormentors”.

"Tormentors", in this case, it is not easy themselves, because. and they are hostages of the other side of the bundle, and do not always understand what pushes them to not the most healthy interaction with others.

Therefore, if we understand that codependence has bindings in both directions - each of the participants in the relationship for something different– then it becomes logical to assume that when the connection is removed from one side, then the other side ceases to be tied according to the "old pattern". And there is an opportunity to change the nature of the relationship. Or, if this is impossible (and it is impossible when only one side has a desire to change relations, and the second does not change anything), all the same, there is a fairly free feeling of being the side that understood the nature of its “binding” and got rid of it.

That is, the first step in the procedure of your own liberation from co-dependent relationships is the awareness of three points:

1. that these relationships are co-dependent, because we do not feel free in them;

2. that these relations are bilateral, but we can change their nature for myself(to feel independent);

3. that by removing our “attachment”, we free ourselves from codependency not only ourselves, but also the other side of this relationship.

Let's say you have a certain relative (mother, aunt, grandmother) or a relative with whom you do not want to quarrel or swear and to whom you seem to have clearly explained many times that his phone calls and long stories about your movements and news ( at your time that is not at all suitable for this) distract you, interfere with you, prevent you from working, etc.

However, this relative continues to call, tell, do something else, completely ignoring your requests and explanations. And you are quite well-mannered-polite-patient (to your own detriment, because these calls annoy you), besides, you have a hidden (or explicit) conviction that you need to endure and respect elders (although this is not a question of respect, namely about “tolerance”), and you courageously endure, wasting your time and energy, gradually becoming more and more irritated, and then also scolding yourself for what a bad person I am, as if it’s hard for me to listen to my elderly aunt once again .

Although, in fact, your irritation in this case is a good helper in understanding that your personal boundaries are being violated, and that there is nothing you can do about it yet. And that neither patience nor explanations help, and I don’t want to experience irritation (or other negative feelings). Right?

Perhaps you have established the same nature of interaction not only with relatives, but simply with neighbors, or with colleagues, or with the person you once loved or love now.

If you learned something of your own in the description of the example, then the next step in getting rid of codependency, I suggest that you do not do what you usually did - complain about the fact that you are not heard, try to explain something again (considering that they don’t listen to you anyway) or endow a relationship partner with some unflattering epithets. All this may temporarily relieve your feelings, but does not change the situation.. Therefore, instead of everything already tested and not helping, I suggest you ask yourself a question:

And what would I like to do (to be honest, without appealing to my own conscience or duty), but for various reasons I don’t allow myself to stop feeling this very irritation (or other negative)?

I note right away that asking yourself a question and answering it will not mean at all that this will definitely have to be done. That is why the technique is good because it allows you to do without victims on the other side. All you have to do is find and note your feelings, and then think about what they prompt you to do.

So, think about it - what would you do in order not to experience negative feelings when you communicate with that person from communication with whom you somehow experience them? Realizing at the same time that it is either “necessary” to communicate, or you just don’t want to stop this communication and relationships, but would only like to change them a little.

One of my clients replied that she would like to break out, the other - that she just burst into tears, the third - to complain to her mother that she always makes her guilty. But of course they don't do all that. And then The following question comes to you:

What's stopping me from doing what I want?

Some people are afraid of offending another person. For some, it is unbearable to feel guilty (if a person has been taught to feel this way since childhood, then over time it becomes quite unbearable). Someone else - something else, their own.

Identify what is holding you back, what is stopping you from blowing off steam. And realize this simple thing - what bothers you(some of your feeling or fear from the expectation of some imaginary consequences), and there is a means by which you can be manipulated. Here it becomes especially obvious that it is not others who manipulate us, but we ourselves become amenable to manipulation because inside of us, somewhere very deep for some, this unconscious feeling of fear or expectation of bad consequences sits here ...

It is clear that the roots of all this were laid in childhood. Someone in the process of answering the proposed questions may have memories from early childhood, someone will simply see it in themselves and be very surprised. Anyway, now you are already aware of what you can use to be "managed" from the outside. And this knowledge will greatly help us further.

Because this is the end of the thread (and whoever has the ship's rope) that our codependence holds on to.

But how can this end be “untied” from oneself?

To do this, you need to reflect on the following question - why am I so afraid of these consequences? For a short time, imagine what will happen if I still allow myself to do what I forbid?

Someone will immediately “picture” their mother’s heart attack (well, if your mother told you from childhood that her heart hurts because of your behavior), someone will think that then he will be left alone and no one needs (“you will behave like that, we’ll give you to that uncle over there ”or leave you alone here), someone else will be horrified by some terrible thoughts about the consequences.

You understand, thoughts, their own, and not from the possible consequences themselves. Because you don’t know for sure about the consequences that may (or may not) be. And you have been accustomed to thinking in this way since childhood, because it was then that you there is a connection between your behavior and the behavior of others. You have learned to think that you are responsible for the health, feelings, behavior (and anything else) of other people. And you are not the answer. There is no such connection. None of us is responsible for what others feel or think. As well as none of us is given the opportunity to get into the body or head of another person and become him. Do you understand?

Yes, our words or actions can be an external cause that can cause others to get upset. But to be upset or not is the choice of another person. And he depends only on himself, not on you. And making you responsible for it means taking no responsibility for your feelings, thoughts or behavior.

That is why many (already adult) people experience irritation, anger and fear of offending someone at the same time: because in childhood they imposed this responsibility, although in essence it cannot be, and should not have been. Accordingly, the one who imposed this kind of responsibility on the child was himself an immature person who did not understand his feelings and behavior.

But our task now is not to denounce or condemn others, especially since we are not judges and do not know the reasons why such “immaturity” has formed among our loved ones. Our task is to help ourselves. And it is for this that we do not analyze the behavior of others, but only consider our own feelings and desires, as well as fears from the realm of the irrational.

After all, if you think about it now, as adults, you can finally understand that that the sacred horror that even mere thoughts of possible consequences arouse in us is the result of a child's perception. After all, in those moments when we learned everything that we were told without criticism, we were also afraid of what we are promised that they will leave us alone, that our mother will die because of us, or something else terrible and hard to imagine.

Therefore, the next step in "decoupling" codependency is to separate what is actually happening now from the meaning (usually terrible for us) that we used to attach to it. And also a clear understanding of the moment that none of our actions or words can directly harm other people. And all possible consequences will be only their own choice, even if they want to blame us for their feelings ...

As a rule, at the moment of such a separation, it already becomes much easier to feel and sometimes this is enough. However, there is another good point that helps a lot to accept relatives (friends, acquaintances) as they are, without the desire to remake them (namely, it causes our irritation in long conversations).

By the way, our desire to remake others is a consequence of the same educated belief that we are responsible for the feelings of others. After all, if we are responsible, then we can influence with our behavior, words and other things. No we can not. Let's leave these matters to other people themselves, or fate, or God. It is definitely not in our competence to change others.

The last thing I propose to do to completely get out of those unpleasant sensations that co-dependent relationships give is think - and through whose eyes do we look at the person with whom we have codependency?

This is especially well understood in the example of relatives. When we think about them, we are afraid of some consequences and other things that we think we know for sure about them. , we look at them through the eyes of the child with whom we recognized and remembered them. Therefore, we “see” and know our “annoying” relatives, we only on one side, on the one that is our own projection of this person like our mother or aunt, our father or grandfather, and so on. We don't know this human!

We are used to thinking about him the way we are used to, because we communicate not so much with him as with his projection, which was formed in our childhood. And naturally in order to change this projection (or rather, get out of it altogether), we need to change our point of view. That is, stop looking at this person through the eyes of a small child and see that he is more than we think about him, that he can do more than we used to fear. Then the remaining (if any) resentments will immediately disappear, because they are an integral part of this projection and our attitude towards a person.

And then, finally, the long-awaited relief will come from the simple understanding that I am an adult, and that other is also an adult. Yes, perhaps with his own quirks (and who doesn't?), but he's just different, even if he's my relative. And I practically do not know him in order to draw any conclusions about his behavior or the consequences of mine in his direction. And the only thing we can learn to do effectively is communicate, get to know each other, and really sincerely and with interest ask: does this person need our help and how much, and what does he mean when he tells us something, etc. .d, etc. Without any projections and deliberations.

Of course, there are options for communicating with people who benefit from being addicted. But even here you can communicate by choosing the distance. The most important thing that usually happens after a thoughtful answer to all the questions above is the appearance of a feeling of liberation or calmness. . Everything that has not yet stood on them falls into place, and a person learns to be more attentive both to his own boundaries and to the boundaries of others, which becomes a real way beyond codependencies, and allows you to move towards creating relationships at a different level - the level of mutual respect and non-violence.

If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project .

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consumption, we are changing the world together! © econet

Codependent people are completely absorbed in the task of saving a loved one. In a certain sense, codependency is the renunciation of oneself, of one's desires, interests and feelings. But they don't see it the importance of self-interest is lost.

Types of codependency, ways out, seven love languages

Codependent behavior is formed not in marriage with a dependent person, but much earlier - in the parental home. Codependents differ in feeling self-doubt. A wish receive love and increase your sense of self-worth implemented by showing care about those around you. They have the confidence that the other person just won't love him for what he is, they believe that love must be earned.

codependent people unable to define their own boundaries where "I" ends and another person begins. Problems, feelings, desires - they have everything in common, everything for two.

The main features of codependent behavior are: desire to save loved ones; hyperresponsibility(take to myself responsibility for other person's problems); life in constant suffering, pain and fear (as a result of the "freezing" of feelings - It is difficult for such a person to answer the question: "What do you feel now?"); all attention and interests are concentrated outside oneself - on a loved one.

Dependent people, on the contrary, are distinguished by a reduced sense of responsibility. Their existence is possible only in alliance with a co-dependent person who takes upon himself the solution of their problems.

For a state of codependency is typical:

• delusion, denial, self-deception;
• compulsive actions;
• "frozen" feelings;
• low self-esteem, self-hatred, guilt;
• repressed anger, uncontrolled aggression;
• pressure and control over another person, obsessive help;
• focus on others, ignoring one's needs, psychosomatic illnesses;
• communication problems, problems in intimate life, isolation, depressive behavior, suicidal thoughts.

There are three typical roles of codependent people (Cartman's triangle):

• the role of the "savior";
• the role of the "pursuer";
• the role of the victim.

Stages of codependence

How does codependency develop? After all, there is no such thing today, everything is fine, but tomorrow morning you wake up and, bang ... co-dependent. Even if all questions with a predisposition are included, then everything is still not so fast. Darlene Lanser, family therapist and codependence specialist, lists 3 stages of its development

Early stage

1. Formation of attachment to dependence. Offering and giving donations, support, gifts and other concessions.

2. Constant attempts to please (to be a “kind”, “good” person who is trustworthy).

3. Concern about the behavior of the addict, how and what happens in his life, how he behaves, why this happens.

4. Rationalization of the behavior of the addict (there are explanations why he is addicted and that he has no other choice not to be addicted)

5. Doubts about what you see. (Even if a person is drunk, obviously went for a bottle, for a dose, or to play slot machines, the co-dependent refuses to believe and drives away the thought of what is happening. Gives himself explanations “in fact it is ...”)

6. Denial of addiction ("He's not really an alcoholic, he just occasionally drinks a bottle of vodka 7 days a week. It's just to relieve tension." from household appliances)

7. Refusal of own activity. (They stay at home so that the husband does not get drunk)

8. Decrease in social contacts (communicate with those who understand which dependent partner is poor and unhappy and maintains a conversation on this topic)

9. Own mood codependent depends on the behavior of the partner and his mood.

middle stage

1. Denial and minimization of painful aspects (yes, I stole money, but there were still few of them, yes, I was under a fence, but the fence was good and there was no dirt around)

2. Shelter (if a person is engaged in the realization of his addiction, “dismissing” him, a white lie)

3. Anxiety, guilt, self-blame (I do little or something wrong because he continues to misbehave)

4. Decreased self-esteem

5. Isolation from friends and acquaintances

6. Constant control of the addict

7. “Sawing”, accusations, manipulations (“I will kill myself if you continue ...”, “you ruined my whole life”)

8. Anger and confusion (after “everything is done right”, behavior is changed, conditions are created, everything is bought, everything is sold, specialists, psychics and sorcerers are involved, he still behaves incorrectly)

9. Understanding that he truly cannot control the life around him and is subject to the whims of the addict.

10. Constant mood swings are no longer dependent on the behavior of the addict.

11. Removal of responsibility from the addict (he is not to blame for drinking, injecting, playing)

12. The emergence of "family secrets" (no one should tell outside the family that something is happening)

13. The emergence of dependence (the wives of alcoholics themselves may start drinking, some of the considerations "so that he gets less" or "so that he does not leave the house"; food dependence often develops)

late stage.

1. Constantly depressed mood.

2. Developed addiction.

3. Feeling of emptiness and indifference.

4. Hopelessness

5. Emergence of stress-related diseases (hypertension, stomach ulcer, etc.)

6. Strengthening attempts to control up to violence (all sorts of psychotropic drugs can be poured into vodka, inviting bandits "to teach a lesson")

According to these parameters, those who evaluate themselves as a codependent can estimate the degree of development of the disorder in themselves.

codependent One who has allowed another person's behavior to influence his own. The codependent is obsessed with controlling the behavior of the addicted (e.g. alcohol) person.

Codependent Behavior- this is a type of adaptation, the purpose of which is to satisfy one's needs through caring for someone who, for some reason, is not able to take care of himself. As the role of the savior progresses, the codependent forgets about his own needs and problems. As a result, even if there is a physical break with a dependent person, codependents carry the virus of their "disease" into future relationships.

The behavior of co-dependents is manifested in too much guardianship, taking full responsibility for the financial and emotional well-being of another person, in lying and hiding from others the negative consequences of the behavior of the addict in order to continue to remain in a relationship with him. In the long run, rescuers become fully responsible for their partners, and their own mental and physical health decays. It is also believed that "helpers" have serious problems with self-control.

You are codependent if:

• You feel dependent on people, you have a feeling of being trapped in a humiliating and controlling relationship;
• See the meaning of your life in your relationship with your partner, focus all your attention on what he is doing.
• You use relationships the way some people use alcohol or drugs, while becoming dependent on the other person and thinking that you cannot exist and act independently of him.
• If you tend to perceive other people's problems as your own, which means that you are not able to determine your psychological boundaries. You don't know where your boundaries end and where other people's boundaries begin.
• You have low self-esteem and therefore have an obsessive need for constant approval and support from others in order to feel that you are doing well;
• Always try to make a good impression on others. If you often try to please other people without trusting your own views, perceptions, feelings or beliefs.
• Listen to other people's opinions and do not defend your own views and opinions.
• You try to be needed by other people. If you are ready to "break your head" to do what you think only you can do for other people, when in fact other people can do it perfectly for themselves.
• Play the role of a martyr. You suffer, however, you do it nobly. You are ready to put up with situations that are unbearable for you, because you think that it is your duty to do just that.
• We are sure that you can control other people and constantly try to do it, without admitting to yourself that this never works out for you "one hundred percent".
• If you do not understand what is happening with your feelings, or do not trust them, and show them only when you think you can afford it.
• If you are gullible and often find yourself in situations in life when other people deceive you or do not live up to your expectations.

Codependency Test

Read the following statements carefully and put a number in front of each item that reflects your perception of this statement. It is not necessary to think for a long time over the answers to the proposed judgments. Choose the answer that best matches your opinion.

Test questions:

1. It's hard for me to make decisions.
2. It's hard for me to say no.
3. I find it hard to accept compliments as something deserved.
4. Sometimes I almost get bored if there are no issues to focus on.
5. I usually don't do for others what they can do for themselves.
6. If I do something nice for myself, I feel guilty.
7. I don't worry too much.
8. I tell myself that everything will be better for me when the people around me change, stop doing what they are doing now.
9. It seems that in my relationships I always do everything for others, and they rarely do anything for me.
10. Sometimes I focus on the other person to the point where I forget other relationships and things I should be responsible for.
11. It seems that I often get involved in relationships that hurt me.
12. I hide my true feelings from others.
13. When someone offends me, I carry it in myself for a long time, and then one day I can explode.
14. To avoid conflicts, I can go as far as I like.
15. I often have fear or a sense of impending doom.
16. I often put the needs of others ahead of my own.

To get the total score, flip the scores for items 5 and 7 (for example, if there was 1 point, then replace it with 6 points, 2 - with 5 points, 3 - with 4 points, 6 - with 1 point, 5 - with 2 points , 4 - by 3 points) and then summarize.

Point totals:

16-32 - the norm,

33-60 - moderately expressed codependence,

61-96 - pronounced codependency.

If a person prone to codependency is in a close relationship with an addicted person, be it alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc., then codependence becomes a disease. Without treatment, codependency progresses over time and makes it impossible for a person to build normal relationships with other people. Even if a codependent person manages to break off such relationships, then he is either forced to live alone, or, as a rule, builds new relationships with the dependent again.

Self-reliance.

Refusal of complicity depending is very difficult. Relatives of dependent people sometimes feel that they are required to abandon a loved one. Actually it means that you need to get back to yourself . Important take into account (just take into account) feelings of a loved one in their actions and support him, but at the same time it is necessary to clearly delimit the areas of responsibility (not to do for him what he can do himself, not to think for him, not to wish for him). Do not let others take advantage of your feelings and your love.

Codependent people also need the help of a psychologist. It is difficult to realize and accept the fact that you need to start helping yourself. But this is the only way to learn how to build warm and close relationships without compromising your own interests.

Is it possible to get out of co-dependent relationships on your own (opinion of psychotherapist Anastasia Fokina):

I get asked these questions so often, and I answer them so often with comments on various posts, that it does not help at all, as questions continue to be asked. Indeed, it can be very difficult to finish reading the whole cloud of comments, often I myself forget where exactly I answered such questions in order to give a link. So I finally decided to take a whole post to answer it.

Here are the questions:

If you can’t get out on your own (From co-dependent relationships, (note mine)) how can you?
With the help of a therapist?
And if there is only one partner in therapy, is there a chance? Because you can’t drag the second one there for anything.
It is hoped that changes in one will lead to a change in the dynamics of relations. What do you think about this?

So here's what I think about it:
Dependence, which is formed by an early traumatic situation in primary relationships, is practically not processed by the psyche itself without the support of a therapist, and sometimes more than one. The fact is that the "bedding" of the origins of the difficulties that an adult already faces is often so deep that even their simple understanding, that is, bringing them to consciousness, can be very difficult. Especially since there is so much to re-learn.

What was your real relationship with your parents like?
Did your parents love you and what kind of love was it?
Were your parents good or bad? What were they really like?
Are people basically only bad or only good?
Did what happened to you in the past depend on you? And now?
What can you really change and what can't? What are your limits? Your responsibility?
What are you really like? What is your contribution to your life difficulties? And many, many others.

And here it is clear that simply their awareness will not lead to an improvement in the situation in life, you will have to rethink a lot, experience, process and learn a lot in order for life to get better. Therefore, I am not the only one who thinks that with such deep things you need to go to a specialist and get ready to devote a lot of time to this. Those mental defenses that people with early trauma have can be very difficult not only for independent work, but also for work in therapy with a therapist.
In addition, you will need someone you can now count on, with whom you can restore lost trust. From whom it will be possible to learn something, including the fact that all people are in one way or another dependent on each other, need something from others, and receiving is not a sign of weakness, and also get the implementation of those functions which your personality was not enough for development once.
Of course, I do not want to say that you cannot do anything on your own. This is far from true. Often people send me letters saying that reading my diary helped them a lot in solving their problems. Did the diary really help? Perhaps he only gave some direction, some understanding, some perspective that the person needed. The work, of course, was done by the man himself. Sometimes the work is very big. But this suggests that he has formed those functions that another may not have, and his work alone will not be so successful.

In addition, codependence is the difficulty of being with someone, the difficulty of creating and maintaining relationships, the inability to receive satisfaction from relationships due to destroyed trust. Trauma often creates an impenetrable cocoon of protection around the core of a person's personality from any encroachment by the love of others. It is unrealistic to cope with serious forms of such protection on your own. Alone, restoring trust in others is also an impossible thing, on the contrary, it is only strengthening the bastions of protection, strengthening the idea on which the life of a rejected child is often based. Namely: "I have to cope with everything alone." Sometimes it is this statement that needs to be changed, and it can be changed only with the experience of trust.

Sometimes, in not so difficult cases, a person can do a lot for himself with the help of reflection, cultivating awareness, bodily practices, creativity.
I am only saying that the processing of an early trauma implies a very deep immersion in oneself, in which case a person needs a relationship with another both as a missing resource, with and as insurance and a guarantee that it will be possible to return from there and this journey will not become so dangerous. to be afraid to do it.

Will moving toward recovery for one of the partners help the relationship as a whole? Because how to “drag” the other into therapy ahead of themselves (and others generally see the root of all troubles in the other), try in every possible way to save the partner, “explain” to him, “make him understand”, and so on - this is just “it”, an obvious a sign of your addiction.

Sometimes your recovery leads to the fact that the relationship does change, but not always for the better. If your partner is interested in your dependence on him or in his deep dependence on you, then your refusal to forever serve him as a "donor", to be a half, to complete him, to do something for him that he does not want to learn for himself, can greatly upset, and he can break off relations, go look for a new "donor"-rescuer. It may happen that relationships in which there is no development will bother you first, and then you will break them, going to look for another person who is more healthy and disposed towards relationships.

Another variant of the development of the situation may also occur: your partner, seeing an improvement in the quality of your life, may begin to feel envy and feel his interest in such an improvement. In this case, later, he can find himself a therapist.
In some cases, indeed, if the partner was more stable than you, the relationship can "correct" and only thanks to your efforts in working on yourself. In such cases, you will begin to turn to your partner in a different direction than before, and you may also find him somewhat different than you previously saw him.

Your relationship may still be codependent, but you may find it more satisfying. Therefore, not everyone and not everyone may need therapy. And not everyone generally considers it something useful for themselves.
You may remain traumatized, but your life can be good enough for you without therapy, which means you have had enough compensation.
THERAPY IS NOT NECESSARY FOR EVERYONE WITH SUCH PROBLEMS, CO-DEPENDENCE RELATIONSHIPS IS THE NORM OF THE TODAY, AND NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO CHANGE IT. THIS (the fact that someone does not want to change anything globally) IS NOT A PROBLEM, YOU CAN COMPLETELY LIVE WITH THIS.

In order to decide on therapy, you need a strong motivation to really do something for yourself, create, change, or vice versa accept the existing one, which will also change something in the end.
If a person says: here, I really want therapy, but I just don’t have enough time, money, a good therapist, strength, to emphasize the right thing, this means that it’s probably worth just taking a more honest look at your opposite desire. You're not there, you don't have it. This means that now you want another. It is important to accept and respect your decisions, whatever they may be.

The secret of getting out of codependency (opinion of Mark Ifraimov)

Before you read this secret, I ask you to remember: reading the deciphered secrets will never replace practice, action, in other words, body movements. Nothing will happen without practice. Use my gift. And if you are a constellator, my technique will very quickly allow your client to achieve the result for which he turns to you.

Codependency is a form of symbiosis

Codependency comes from symbiosis.

The child and mother are initially a single, integral being. Just like the heart or liver are an integral part of the body.

The child eats with his mother, breathes with her, lives with her. He is connected to her by the umbilical cord. The umbilical cord is for him a way to transfer life from his mother to him.

We are so accustomed to this fact that we do not notice the obvious things. Obviously, for 9 months of life through the umbilical cord, we get used to being part of mom, part of her joys and sorrows.

For the sake of our greater part, we, as a small part, as the creation of our mother, are ready for any sacrifice. For her sake, we will suffer all our lives, save, blame. Until she is happy.

Or until we understand that we made all these children's decisions, as a being in the stage of symbiosis, dependent through the umbilical cord on the one who gave life, gave food and the ability to breathe.

I want you to understand my words correctly: each of us loves his mother so much because he is part of her, but does not realize that we made most of our decisions that make us suffer and not achieve our desires during symbiosis with mom , which itself has not yet had time to self-actualize as a holistic personality.

When we can't create the life we ​​want, we're codependant. We plunge into the role of victim, accuser or savior in order to make the mother and the one for whom she suffers happier in this role.

Mom can suffer because of our father, because of her father, because of her mother, because of someone. It doesn't matter who she suffers from. It is important to understand that her suffering makes us limited in our ability to create, not free, dependent on her happiness and mood.

We need a way out of codependency with her, out of dependence on her condition.

The umbilical cord is the magic key to the gates of freedom

The umbilical cord cut at birth does not make us free. We are so helpless, weak and unconscious that immediately cutting the umbilical cord only worsens our situation.

By delaying cord clamping, you reduce the risk of iron deficiency anemia in your baby. A growing body of evidence suggests that early cord clamping is not best practice and can lead to health problems. Worldwide, about a quarter of all preschool children suffer from iron deficiency anemia, which can negatively affect the development of the child's brain and nervous system.

One more thing to think about:

In the Museum of Altai Culture, you can find strange ethnic bags that women tied to their belts and kept their children's umbilical cords in them. They knitted pouches during pregnancy. Then the umbilical cord was dried, and was not removed from the belt. As soon as the child fell ill, they crushed small particles into a hot drink, gave it to drink, and the child recovered.

Scientists began to study the dried umbilical cord and found that the immune components contained in the umbilical cord are unique and ideal for the child who owns the umbilical cord.

The umbilical cord is the bridge between the child and the mother, which returns the child to health, vitality and independence, no matter how strange it may sound.

What to do for those who feel insecure, depressed, not having the strength to go towards their goals, unworthy of being close to a classy, ​​status partner in life, dependent on someone else's opinion?

Answer: use a conditional umbilical cord to return to a state of symbiosis with your mother and, having consciously connected with her, get the opportunity to become a mature, independent person.

Synchronized breathing

First, what is a conditional umbilical cord?

The umbilical cord is a connection with mom, synchronization with her. As mother breathed, so did you breathe through the umbilical cord, being in her stomach. What she ate, so did you.

Nothing basically has changed. Now you have the same habits that your mother instilled in you from childhood.

But if you now consciously return to symbiosis with your mother, then, having completed your gestalt with her, having satisfied your unsatisfied needs, you will be able to get out of codependency.

To do this, you use an analogue of the umbilical cord - synchronous breathing.

Synchronized breathing is breathing where inhalations and exhalations are performed synchronously, and without a pause. Inhalation is carried out consciously, with the application of effort, and on exhalation, you simply let go of the body and it itself, without effort, exhales.

Try right now to inhale through your mouth or nose, and then let go of the body and exhale (just like you inhaled: if the inhalation was through the mouth, then exhale through the mouth, if the inhalation was through the nose, then exhale through the nose). And try to breathe like this for 10 seconds. Did it work? You see, it's simple.

Secondly, what does it mean to use a conditional umbilical cord to return to a state of symbiosis with mom?

This means using synchronous breathing in order to breathe through your state of oneness with her together with your mother.

Do you need the presence of your mother at this moment? No, your real mother's presence is not required. But you need to put her deputy in her place and breathe with him.

Technique for getting out of codependency

I think you are now ready for the complete technique for getting out of codependency.

Ask a person close to you, preferably a female, for example, a girlfriend, to become your mother for 20 minutes.

As in the usual constellation, appoint her as your mother. Put your hands on her shoulders from behind and tell her: “Now you are not you (not Masha, for example), now you are my mother.”

Stand facing her, hug her and start breathing synchronously with her, adjusting to her pace and rhythm of breathing. When you fully enter into synchronous breathing, remember everything that bothered you in your relationship with her and breathe through your feelings and thoughts.

The word "breathe" literally means: breathe at the moment when you think or feel something. Just breathe in sync.

Breathe until you go from pain and heaviness to lightness and relief. Your subconscious mind itself knows what it is to breathe through your feelings and thoughts. Your body will release itself from discomfort.

When you feel light, you can stop synchronous breathing with the deputy and remove the role of your mother from him, saying: “Now you are not my mother. Now you are you (Masha, for example).”

Thank the deputy.

Me and Not Me. What is the trick?

Why does this technique lead out of codependency?

Any psychologist can explain to you the mechanism of human projection.

Projection is a tendency to make the environment responsible for what comes from the person himself (F. Perls).

In other words, projection is the transfer of one's attitude towards someone from one's early childhood experiences to one's current environment.

And even simpler, how you treat your mother is how you treat all women. How you treat your father is how you treat all men.

When your umbilical cord was cut, you slowly forgot that you and your mother were once one, you began to consider yourself “I”, and her “Not I”.

In the world of separate objects, it seems to us that this is how it is: mom and I are different.

But the unmet needs that existed at the time of the cord clamping still force you to look for a way to make the parent happy. The main unsatisfied need at that time was and remains - this is the need for unity.

Your unity with your mother was broken at a time when you were not ready for it. Violation of this need could cause you to protest and lead you to another need - the need for censure. You can read more about this in Stephen Wolinsky's book Love Relationships.

The illusion that there is Me and Not Me is what makes people suffer, protest, be revolutionaries, go to war, fight against someone, condemn and kill. All of these are forms of codependency.

And it all starts from one moment in life: the observation that mom is unhappy.

When you merge into one being with the one you denied through synchronized breathing, the illusion of separation disappears, and you understand at the level of sensations that you can accept another person.

YOU AND HE ARE EQUAL. EQUAL.

This equanimity is the way out of codependency. And you no longer need to feel like an insignificant, unworthy person next to someone who is very dear to you. You are no longer the victim, the accuser, the rescuer. You don't need burning huts and galloping horses to prove your love.

From now on, you can simply enjoy yourself, being in unity with the world and life. Because mom is the world and life.

And you can do the same technique with your father. After all, father, as Hellinger said, is the key to the world. Father is your strength, respect for you, and hence material well-being, money.

I want you to understand well how your personal stability and well-being is achieved in all areas of life. Just connect with your roots, mom and dad, stop separating them from yourself at the moment when you yourself have not yet taken place as a person, and all their strength will come to you and fill you with love that other people will want to be attracted to you. Like members of your family. Or like your customers.

The secret to getting out of codependency is in a real association. As an equal with an equal.

Synchronized breathing is a tool to get out of codependency. Believe me, until you include the body in this process, but only think about this concept with your mind, nothing will change.

You will still be looking for a soul mate (see the article Looking for a soul mate? Do you have codependency!), The true purpose of which will be to find a resource of your own security in the person of this half. For this half to do for you what parents, mom or dad should do: provide for survival, satisfy needs, give pleasure.

And the half will always try to evade the fulfillment of the parental functions assigned to it. As a result, he / she will either run away or begin to sabotage sex with you, because parents with children do not sleep. And you will have no choice but to be disappointed in your soul mate or in yourself and start looking for a new one.

But when you complete your gestalt with your parents and are psychologically born, having realized and satisfied all your needs in relations with mom and dad, you yourself will become that Source of meeting the needs of other people, to which both “halves” and mature personalities will reach.

There you will already be able to consciously choose your life partner, your conscious love. With this person, you will become not 0.5 + 0.5 = 1, but 1 + 1 = 3.

Why three? Because synergy will work. That is, your joint creativity will create something more in the world than just the union of two. You will be able to create world values. What will be left for posterity after your life. This is what everyone wants. Something that inspires and inspires others.