It’s great if you are a quick-witted person and don’t get angry for a long time, but many people prefer to accumulate small pebbles of resentment in themselves until they completely fill their insides. But even the most peaceful people are familiar with such a phenomenon as an old spiritual wound: someone insulted or deceived - and you can’t leave it in the past.
Why is it dangerous?
1. Resentment destroys you from the inside, hinders development. To be precise, causes anxiety, anger, awkwardness or other unpleasant feelings every time you think about it. This violates the inner harmony and sets in a negative way. Speaking with the arguments of more practical personalities, it simply distracts from important matters.
2. An old grudge prevents you from building a normal relationship with the person you just harbored a grudge against. You can calmly communicate with him on abstract topics, but as soon as the situation goes a little differently, you immediately recall a long-standing story that offended you. Forgiveness becomes more difficult. The interlocutor does not even understand what is the reason for your coldness. This pushes you away from yourself and cannot let go of the past.
3. Others may take you for too impressionable or vindictive person. After all, sometimes you yourself, without noticing it, recall an insult with them. If it is old, this behavior may seem unreasonable to many.
Why is it good to let go of resentment?
1. You will feel light both with yourself and with the person you were angry with.
2. The world will seem a little brighter than it was before - when you have one less offense, it seems that less injustice is happening.
3. Living without dwelling on the past is an amazing process. Completely new horizons will open up for you in moral terms.
Ways to forgive a person
If until now it seemed to you that cherishing a grudge is the right decision, then after the above arguments, your opinion should change. And if so, then without further ado, let's move on to the main thing - before you are the best ways to let go of resentment.
Method number 1. Have a heart to heart talk with the offender
1. Unfortunately, this option will not work with everyone. The conversation should be both deep and sincere on both sides. Such a move will help to forgive a person (even if your interlocutor can not be brought to sincerity right away). If the offender is your colleague, neighbor, distant friend, or other spiritually distant person, then it will be awkward to start such a conversation and it is unlikely that anything will come of it.
2. Perhaps you are worried about an old conflict with a loved one: a husband, a parent, a good friend - the method is suitable. No need to hide from a dear person, a deep resentment. If it bothers you, it's likely he didn't want to do it. The words may not have been deliberately or thoughtfully spoken. Who knew that you would take offense so close to your heart. The situation can also work in the opposite direction - if it seems to you that a loved one is "sulking", try asking if you offended him.
3. So, in order to remove resentment from the soul, sometimes it is enough to express it. No difficulties and pitfalls, just tell us how you feel and why you couldn’t forgive right away. It will become easier for you because you have spoken out, and your loved one will know your inner world a little better. Let's hope it doesn't hurt you so deeply in the future. Letting go of resentment should be a happy ending to the conversation.
Method number 2. Write a letter
1. Perhaps you have heard of such a technique, but did not believe it? In vain. Throwing feelings on paper is a very good way of psychological relief. No wonder some emotional people keep a diary or even write poetry.
2. There are a lot of pluses. The option can be applied to offenders with whom it’s impossible to have a heart-to-heart talk with, and even with those with whom you don’t communicate at all, because it’s not necessary to send a letter.
3. If it seems that drawing lines on paper is not your forte, don't worry, literary talent is not required here. Your task is to write what you think, how you feel. To forgive a person, you need to perform some actions.
4. If once again a deep resentment is remembered, you need to sit down at the table, take a pen and try to remember everything that prevents you from doing this. For example, the details of an unpleasant story: what led to the conflict, who, in your opinion, became its culprit, what specifically hurt.
5. Describe it in such a way that you tell everything to your abuser so that he understands your vision of the situation. Do not forget about emotions and do not be afraid to cross out, nothing bad will happen, this is not a clean copy of a school essay.
6. It seems that it is difficult, but believe me, when you start, the words will flow by themselves. And, of course, do not shift all the blame on your opponent if you are hurt in a dispute. Or, if you were offended for no reason, try to think why. Maybe there were reasons? Ask questions to the recipient of the letter.
7. Toward the end, try to calm down, tune in a positive way and write: “Anyway, I don’t want to be angry with you anymore, waste my energy on resentment. What was, is gone. I can forgive you." Better yet, come up with your own conclusion for this person, which will not only bear the absolution of deep resentment, but also come from the heart.
8. The thought does not let go and does not allow you to think normally, you can resort to a little trick. By the way, it is more efficient to write by hand rather than type on a computer. Even though this will take a lot of paper to cross out, you will get the feeling that you are really going to send a letter, and not just make a Word document that will hang on your desktop for a couple of months.
Method number 3. Think, Analyze, Release
1. In essence, this is the same as a letter, but here everything will happen not on paper, but in your head. And, of course, you can’t send anything either. But if you are sure that you can handle the offense on your own, even without the help of a pen, then go for it!
2. Don't try to force yourself to think about the conflict. Start analyzing it only when you yourself want it, and nothing distracts you. Further actions will remind you of writing a message from the previous method: remember the details of the situation and specifically formulate what offended you.
3. Put everything on the shelves in your head, conduct a dialogue at the same time with your inner self and the offender. Imagine telling him everything that has accumulated. Reproduce mentally his reaction, regret, awareness. Then it will become even easier to forgive a person, even if a deep resentment remains a little.
4. When you have finished describing the offense itself, take a deep breath, calm down and understand - you cannot live in the past and torment yourself with an old offense that does not allow you to exist normally. Then repeat to yourself several times, turning again to yourself and to the offender: “I forgive and will not allow this to be done again.”
This is really important...
1. Resentment is a meaningless phenomenon, unfortunately, inherent in human nature. Everything in the world is relative: sometimes seemingly bad deeds and unpleasant words can be beneficial.
2. The abuser makes us stronger by speaking rudely. It allows us to gain experience in protecting our dignity or the ability to maintain control over ourselves. In the ability to forgive, in the end.
3. Sometimes, harshness hides a completely reasonable argument or the truth that we simply do not want to notice and accept, which is why this harshness leaves a wound. We must be grateful for experience and truth.
4. Remember, by hurting, a person teaches you a lesson, and in return he receives nothing, except for feelings of guilt in some cases. And such a peculiar service is one of the reasons why you should forgive a person.
Feel free to resort to the above methods or combine them if a deep and old resentment haunts you. A life free from resentment, and this is much more pleasant. Remember, the main thing is to be aware of the conflict and let it go on your own, because only you can do this. Live in harmony with yourself!
Why is it so hard to forgive? How to get rid of resentment? You have tried 139 practices, watched 523 training videos. And nothing! Don't tell yourself: "You need to let go and forget," - resentment still gnaws. Why is that? This question can be answered briefly. But it will be better if you yourself understand. So listen to the story.
Why is it so hard to forgive? How to get rid of resentment? You have tried 139 practices, watched 523 training videos. And nothing! Don't tell yourself: "You need to let go and forget," - resentment still gnaws. Why is that? This question can be answered briefly. But it will be better if you yourself understand. So listen to the story.
Where do resentments come from and how to get rid of them
- Where do resentments come from?
- How to deal with resentment
- The way that works
- How to deal with offenders
Once upon a time there was Ivan, not a blockhead. I bought land, plowed the field, sowed. Waiting for the harvest. But it was not there. The earth dried up, cracked, the sprouts withered.
Not immediately, but it dawned on Ivan: the river is to blame, the water does not reach. It turned out that the flood caused branches, logs and all sorts of debris.
Ivan, though not a blockhead, did not know what to do with this misfortune. One wise guy advised: “And you come on cardinally - with dynamite!” It turned out loud, but ineffective. Moreover, the neighbors came with the police and let's sort things out with Ivan.
Another, more cautious and thoughtful comrade, suggested: “Let's start pulling it out from the very bottom. Thoroughly and definitely." Ivan did not even try this method. How many years is it to carry logs from the bottom? And not the fact that it will help.
He didn't give a damn about the advice and went to dismantle the dam. He took off one log from above and threw it into the water so that it would be carried away by the current. Minimum effort and no special equipment.
Moral: don't over complicate things! The best solutions are on the surface.
Where do resentments come from?
Basically, what is resentment? This is stopped anger. Like a fist stopped halfway. And then, when the offender certainly deserved a right hook. But you restrained yourself - a bad habit, from childhood.
Perhaps when you were a child and were angry with your parents, they severely suppressed this aggression:
A good girl doesn't act like that. And the bad ones are punished!
What, you don't love your mother? So we don't love you! Here we will give you to an orphanage, and live as you want.
The only thing you remember as a child is that being angry is dangerous. If you show aggression towards adults, you will either be punished, or they will get rid of you altogether, and you will disappear without your parents. And each time they stopped their anger, giving no way out. Clamped him inside.
You are now an adult. But instead of fighting back, you are still offended and crawl away. Although the normal reaction to an attack is fear, anger and appropriate action.
How to deal with resentment
Common but ineffective methods
- Cardinal
If you ask the question “How to get rid of resentment?”, Google will offer at least six effective methods, three secret techniques, a unique practice from a megaguru, and more. Moreover, they promise to get rid of all insults immediately and, most importantly, forever. Well, why not dynamite for the dam?
Yes, they work. At first they give a pleasant relief, after a day - a slight doubt: "What, is it really so simple?" After a week, you quietly slide into the usual touchy behavior.
- Logs from the very bottom
It's trendy to delve into childhood and adolescent trauma. This approach has the right to life, because childhood traumas lay the foundations of behavior, character and attitude to the world. But you need to approach this with intelligence and caution, otherwise you are at great risk. Firstly, you can drown headlong in these sad memories and you simply won’t have the strength to change something in your present. Secondly, you can get hooked on the coach like a drug. Because there is no end to this soul-searching, and a coach gives a sense of relief and hope for a brighter future.
The way that works
Stop artificially holding, chewing, scrolling through the insult, like a bad movie.
Everything is simple. Emotions are a kind of warning light. Imagine: you are driving a car, your gasoline level indicator lights up. So what? Will you start lamenting and complaining about it? Or wrap up at the first gas station?
Our emotions are like those light bulbs in a car:
- Green - everything works fine, life pleases.
- Red - alarm, something is going wrong or broken.
What should be the correct response to a red signal? Figure out what's wrong and fix it. If you feel anger, anger or fear, someone has violated your boundaries. That is, a person directly or indirectly tries to cause harm. He is an offender.
How to deal with offenders
Any living thing that is attacked has three biological ways to react:
- run away, if the enemy is stronger and it is more expensive to mess with him. If you don't like running, get big and strong yourself.
- Play dead or just ignore the attacks. The tactics of ignoring are chosen by both the strong, not wanting to get involved with every little thing, and the weak - when it's too late and nowhere to run.
- "Soak" the offender. And so that they no longer dare to attack. But here you need to evaluate your chances of winning in an adult way.
In each individual situation, the reaction may be different. The main thing is to make sure that you are really attacked. After that, choose the appropriate way to act, and the need to continue to live the negative emotion will disappear. Moreover, the emotion will become the energy for action.
How to change habitual behavior
Many are used to doing the same thing: be offended and drive claims in your head, retell them, complain about life and feel sorry for yourself. Do you want to get rid of resentment? Change behavior:
Honestly admit that your resentment is an irrelevant infantile reaction. You are afraid to act, so you prefer to crawl into a corner and whine quietly there.
Allow yourself to feel anger, anger, rage. If you are attacked, you are entitled to these emotions.
Analyze the situation and consciously choose a rational course of action.
Remind yourself often: an adult is not offended! He either "grabs the dagger" and deals with the offender, or distances himself and no longer has anything to do with him. And just like that.published.
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet
Do you know that resentment can destroy your physical health?
It flares up spontaneously in response to criticism, insult, misunderstanding...
Every day you there are dozens of reasons to be offended relatives, friends, work colleagues.
You expect support, praise from them, and as a result you get something completely different.
Acute sense of injustice hurts you and at this very moment, resentment is right there. Words seem to get stuck in the throat, the heart shrinks.
Familiar feeling, isn't it?
Resentment can corrode you from the inside and deprive you of the joy of life.
Is it worth it to give offense such power over oneself?
If you still continue to be a prisoner of your own grievances, this article is for you.
9 steps to accept and let go of resentment
Let's see why you are offended and how to get rid of resentment. And most importantly, let's start acting together right now!
Set aside half an hour for yourself to be alone and think with a pencil in your hands over answers to simple questions.
Ready? Then let's start! First of all, let's find a starting point.
What is happening in your life now?
Answer yourself as honestly as possible:
- How often do you get offended?
- Who do you resent the most?
- Recall a situation in which you were offended.
- What got you hooked?
- How did you feel about the offender?
- What did you experience for yourself?
- How often do you think back to this episode?
- What emotions arise when you replay this event over and over again in your memory?
- What further actions did the feeling of resentment lead you to?
Let's sum up some results:
In the situation that I remembered, you, for sure, didn't get what we expected!
From your point of view with you acted unfairly and at that moment you experienced mental and even physical pain.
Perhaps you wanted to prove the offender wrong and even punish him.
Returning mentally to that situation, you are more and more feel unhappy. Joy has disappeared from your life. Physical condition leaves much to be desired.
The conclusion suggests itself: the situations are different for everyone, and the result looks about the same.
Why are you offended from time to time?
Remember how little children behave when they don't get what they want?
Correctly!
They purse their lips, begin to cry loudly, stomp their feet.
Sometimes they turn away and show their reluctance to talk to the “offender” or throw words at the “offender”: You are bad!
It seems unsuitable for an adult to “stomp his feet”, but the essence of behavior at the moment of resentment is obvious. We all come from childhood!
And this mechanism works in each of us to one degree or another.
It is built into our subconscious and often gives out automatic reaction in the form of resentment. Almost everyone knows this feeling.
What is important for an adult to know about the dangers of resentment?
resentment don't disappear on their own. They have the ability to accumulate.
If we draw an analogy with a computer, then it looks something like this:
The site that you are viewing disappears from the computer screen after closing, BUT ... remains in the browsing history. And the computer sometimes refuses to work normally while the user won't clear history.
When the vessel with grievances overflows, your body also refuses to work normally and starts to falter in the form of scandals, poor health, pain in the physical body, mental emptiness.
Then your subconscious mind is able to pull out into the light of God a complete collection of your writings called “Resentment”. And you feel even more miserable.
The circle is closed...
How to break the vicious circle of resentment?
Step 1. Admit that you are playing
Admit to yourself right now that you played the children's game “I was offended, they didn’t understand me, they didn’t appreciate me” (you can continue the list) and your behavior reminds small child behavior although childhood is long gone.
Step 2. Admit that you are the author of your resentment.
Admit to yourself right now that you and only you are the author of his offense.
And if something hurts you in the behavior of another person, then try to figure out what it is. Look at it from the perspective of an adult.
Accept the fact that your abuser may have good reasons behave towards you exactly as it happened.
To do this, scroll through your memory of the moments that preceded your offense.
Look at yourself from the outside. Was everything there how did you imagine it.
An example from the life of a student at the Institute of Reincarnation:
“A long-standing resentment towards my parents was worked out when, when deciding to have an operation to remove my tonsils, they assured me that it would not hurt and I would easily endure it. But I was very hurt, and I was offended by my parents, because I thought that they should have told me the truth.
Looking at the situation from above, with the eyes of my soul, I saw why I needed this situation, in order to understand how vulnerable our body is, that I need to protect and love it.
I saw how my parents love me, how difficult it was for them, knowing the truth, to tell me that it does not hurt, but it for my own good, because otherwise I simply would not have agreed to the operation, but I needed it. ”
Step 4. Realize what happened
Remember the golden rule: never don't make decisions in a state of acute resentment.
Give yourself time to calm down a little, to realize what happened.
Step 5: Understand Your Expectations
Try to explain to yourself what did you expect from your interlocutor at that moment and why, in your opinion, should he have acted in this way?
For example, our student Anastasia Ya. found the following answer for herself:
“I found my childhood trauma, it is so small from the point of view of an adult, I painted the walls in the house, after the repair, the paint remained, such a beautiful blue, green and burgundy, I painted flowers, trees, a dog, and adults when they returned home of the guests, they began to scold me and put me in a corner.
And I found the answer in this lesson, that they love me even when they scold me, and you can do such bold deeds, it's not so scary! I still remember these beautiful, painted walls.”
Step 6. In any case, you should NOT be offended
Think, if what you heard in your address is NOT true, then should i be offended?
And if you heard the truth about yourself, it’s even more ridiculous to be offended!
Step 7. Let go of resentment
Don't hold grudges. They need to be released!
Otherwise, they can destroy your body. Mental aggression turns on. Thoughts in which you punish the offender deplete your immune and skeletal systems.
Therefore, entrust paper with your feelings, emotions, thoughts.
Imagine that you are writing a letter to your abuser and then burning it. The main thing, as they say, is to let off steam!
Step 8. Talk about yourself
Learn to Dialogue and tell the interlocutor how you feel at the moment. “I feel annoyed when you talk about it” instead of the phrase “You annoy me”, etc.
Step 9. Forgive the offender
Learn to forgive!
Shocking Facts About Forgiveness
Fact #1
Forgiveness the forgiver needs, that is, you, and NOT the offender.
The offender considers himself right and does not experience any unpleasant feelings from the fact that you do not forgive him.
It turns out that only you suffer. So you need forgiveness!
Fact #2
If there is no desire to forgive, then you should think what benefit do you get for myself, continuing to be offended.
For example, increased attention to my person, they sympathize with me, they pity me, etc.
Fact #3
Forgiveness does NOT mean justification offender.
The act of forgiveness in this case is NOT an attempt to return the situation or relationship to its previous state.
This is an act of your release.
Fact #4
Forgiveness is NOT reconciliation.
Forgiveness does not depend on the other person, it is only your decision.
That is why you can free yourself from resentment and forgive a person who is not around or even a dead person.
Fact #5
Forgiveness is NOT a feeling.
it internal work process as a result of which there is a feeling of liberation and lightness.
Meditation Forgiveness
Right now I suggest you go short meditation “Forgiveness”.
Make sure no one disturbs you.
Share your results in the comments!
Congratulations! You correctly decided that resentment should not have power over you and launched the process of inner work.
Nine simple steps have shown you the direction in which you need to continue moving.
In meditation, you were filled with a sense of freedom and lightness, in which there is a person who is not burdened with a burden of grievances.
If you are ready to continue the path of knowing yourself, we will be glad to see you among the 1st year students of the Institute of Reincarnation.
“The offender sins not so much as the one who allows the offense” - VasilyI Macedonian
The famous grandfather Freud noticed that everything comes from childhood. Our dreams, fears, complexes and doubts are formed under the influence of external and internal factors in the first years of life. I am of the same opinion and agree with him.
Let's start with the fact that the feeling of resentment is not innate, but acquired. Babies have anger in their arsenal, and they will have to learn the feeling of resentment from about 2 to 5 years old. It is formed most often in a pattern or is adopted from other children and adults. For example: “If you don’t do this, I will be offended.” Agree, we, adults, often use such manipulation.
Let's see: where do resentments come from? Why do we have this feeling? How to deal with it, and is it necessary?
Where do resentments come from?
Feelings of resentment arise due to a mismatch between the expectations about the behavior of the offender and how he behaved in reality. That is, resentment is a consequence of three mental operations:
- building expectations,
- observation of behavior
- comparison of expectation and reality.
In other words, we expect from a person that he will understand us, feel us, do what we think about, but do not say out loud. And if we say it, we always expect that the person will not refuse, will do it to please us, sacrificing personal capabilities and desires.
In relationships, we expect manifestations of love, care, tenderness, etc., while we do not consider it necessary to say sometimes what we want. How exactly we feel when we are loved, how we understand that we are taken care of. We keep in ourselves ideas about ideal relationships from our experience, from our picture of the world, forgetting that a loved one grew up in other conditions in which everything was different.
Resentment is the pain that we inflict on ourselves
Disappointment from unjustified expectations makes us look for the cause of the mental pain that occurs in a given situation. So we find this reason outside. It is difficult for us to understand that we inflict this pain on ourselves, expecting that someone else will live our life and our interests, not considering their own.
But if you think about it, this is fundamentally not true!
Only one who does not value himself will devote his life to another, and such a person will not give you anything. He needs to work on his self-esteem. And it turns out that we expect from a person what he cannot give in principle, and we rely on what we have no right to. After all, in fact, no one owes us anything!
A loving person, voluntarily and based on his personal desires, has chosen you to be happy next to you, because it pleases him. And if in order to be with you, he needs to “buy” this place, then sooner or later such relationships will begin to destroy him and cease to bring joy. There will be a feeling of unfreedom.
And what's good about that?
Most often we are offended by loved ones
Any relationship is a choice of everyone in favor of these relationships. Choice implies freedom in expressing feelings. We can experience nothing but GRATITUDE. After all, everything that we receive in a relationship should be regarded as a gift. Such relationships have a bright future.
Most often, we are offended precisely by close people, because it is not so easy for a stranger to offend us. We do not expect anything from a stranger, which means that we are not disappointed in him. There are, of course, people who tend to be offended by everyone: people, God, the Universe, life in general. These people think they deserve everything. And they sincerely resent why they are not treated the way they imagine.
But that's another story...
Resentment arises from internal trauma
Any resentment arises from a deep inner trauma. An inferiority complex is hidden at the heart of resentment: this is a constant doubt in oneself and one's abilities, an inability to take responsibility for one's life and everything that happens in it, an unwillingness to independently achieve goals.
We are waiting for someone to come who will do everything for us and live our life for us too. And if this does not happen, we are disappointed and suffer.
Of course, if we wish, we can delegate responsibility for our lives to other people, giving them the power to influence our mood and well-being. Let them decide whether to make us happy or unhappy. It is only worth remembering that in this way we deprive ourselves of the freedom of choice and the opportunity to live life in joy and endless happiness!
Do I need to deal with resentment?
Perhaps I am talking too loudly about the fact that resentment makes it impossible to live a happy life. But, unfortunately, it is. Because of deep internal grievances, people get sick, suffer, die ...
You have a choice: to be offended or right from this second, once and for all, learn to manage this feeling, which corrodes and destroys like poison. The most important step towards getting rid of resentment is taking responsibility for your life!
When you do this, you will be able to manage your emotions and that feeling. The understanding will come that it is impossible to offend you. To help along this path, I want to offer a few simple, but very effective practices, by doing which you will learn how to deal with feelings of resentment.
If you feel that you have been offended, you do not need to keep the negativity in yourself. But running to a person and pouring all this on him is also not necessary. Try to imagine the offender. Perhaps you have a photograph of him, if not, you can take some object, a pillow, for example, and speak out.
Tell us what exactly offends you, what you didn’t like, what you expected. This practice will clear up a lot for you. You will learn to express your feelings and desires before resentment engulfs you.
If, nevertheless, you were offended by a word or deed, take some soft object, a toy or a pillow, imagine the offender in this object and properly reflect your pain and anger through tapping.
By the way, tears help too. If at this moment you feel like crying, don't hold back.
If you can’t speak out, write a letter to the offender. Tell us what you think about the current situation. The letter must then be burned.
Learn to express emotions constructively. How? Try to talk to your abuser not from the point of view of the accuser, but from the position of a person describing their feelings. Instead of: “You offended me, insulted me!” say: “I am offended, and your behavior, words offended me, I am upset.” If a person is accused of something, then he has a desire to resist. Speaking out your feelings helps relieve or reduce tension between people.
Try to understand the person: why he did it. Perhaps he does it unconsciously.
If something hurts you, thank the person for it. You have been shown your weaknesses. Find out for yourself why it bothered you.
Forgive yourself for being offended. Yes, yes, on the one hand it is so simple, but on the other hand it is important.
If you have been hurt to tears, or there has been a serious quarrel, there is a very effective way for the here and now moment. Start breathing deeply, remember your offender and say out loud with the intonation of a king or queen: “I forgive you! I forgive you! I forgive you!".
After you say this for the third time, the insult will be removed as if by hand, and you will smile or even laugh.
The main thing - understand, being offended, you are doing bad only to yourself. Therefore, think only about the good, get rid of resentment. I really like the quatrain of Omar Khayyam, which I want to remember:
Life is ashamed of those who sit and mourn,
Who does not remember comforts, does not forgive insults.
Sing until chang's strings snap!
Drink until the vessel is broken on the stone!
Who among us has not been offended in life? They criticized, did not appreciate, did not understand, did not hear ... And then there is an insult that sits in the heart like a splinter. How to get rid of it? How to forgive an offense? How to forget caustic words addressed to you? How to survive the betrayal of a friend? This article will teach you.
Resentment as a means of manipulation
Some psychologists say that resentment is a way to get what you want. This is especially true for close relatives. The wife, trying to teach a lesson to her late husband, pouts her lips and "takes a vow of silence." The husband accuses his wife of being unable to manage the household, hinting at constant meetings with girlfriends. Where do adults get such a need to offend a loved one for personal purposes?
Psychologists say that all this comes from childhood. A child who likes a toy cries and begs for it from their parents. The little manipulator knows it's bad. Parents also know this, but they still buy the 25th doll or car. It is impossible to look at the tears of your baby without pity. We often use this method of manipulating others later in adult life. True, he works more often with close relationships.
Why does a person offend another?
What is the main reason why one individual offends another? We are often offended and do not think about it at all. But humiliation and verbal insults against us are often a disguised compliment on the part of our opponents.
Envy, unfortunately, is inherent in many people. Not many will praise a person who has achieved any heights. But there will always be those who will scold him and blaspheme. By doing his vile deed against us, the offender gains a sense of his own importance. He "grows" in his own eyes. Moreover, the more his words affect us, the more joy and satisfaction it will bring to him. So why indulge him? Let's smile back at him and say nice words. We are concerned about the question of how to forgive an offense? Sometimes, in order to do this, it is enough to understand why we are humiliated and insulted.
Consequences of resentment
Perhaps many people find it difficult at times to forgive their enemies. Many people think: “Why should I forget the offense? My enemy will be happy if he does not suffer the deserved punishment for this. Learning to forgive is necessary for oneself, to preserve one's health. To understand this, just look at the following list of potential problems that can arise if you constantly replay an unpleasant situation in your head:
Decreased immunity;
thyroid problems;
Depression;
Diseases of the cardiovascular system;
Oncology;
Mental disorders;
Migraines, headaches.
At first glance, the connection between the occurrence of these ailments and the mood of a person seems unrealistic. But it is worth imagining what is happening inside the offended person in order to understand this. For example, a person was rude on the bus, fired from work for no reason, insulted ... What do most of us do in this case? Some are taken to take revenge, someone - to drink "bitter", someone becomes isolated in himself. But many of us will swallow the hurt and move on with our lives. Only here is the insult, the tension from it has not gone away. Negativity accumulates in our body. This will continue until the negative energy finds an outlet. And the way out here can be severe depression, and a nervous breakdown, and a complex illness, and so on. So why accumulate resentment in yourself? We need to learn how to neutralize them. How to forgive an offense and let it go will be discussed later.
How to remain calm in response to criticism?
A person sometimes with indignation perceives teachings from another person. And what can we say about the offensive words that he hears from others? Remaining calm in response to criticism is often very difficult. Of course, it is good to remain cool and unflappable in any situation. But how to curb your emotions when necessary? There are a few tips to help you do this:
Don't answer the offender right away. In anger, you can say a lot of things that you will later regret.
And then the question of how to save the situation, and not how to forgive insults, will come to the fore for you. The past cannot be returned. An unpleasant aftertaste from a quarrel will remain not only with your opponent, but also with you. Cool down and analyze the opponent's words. And only then parry.
Deceive the offender in his expectations. Konstantin Kushner, a Russian historian and educator, said: "If you are offended, the enemy has succeeded." Know that the main goal of the opponent is to hurt you to the quick. So why should he give this pleasure? Smile and forgive him.
During an argument, ask the abuser, "What can I do to make things right?" Is he confused and unable to answer? So he has personal reasons to talk bad about you. Such criticism cannot be fair.
The genius Erian Schultz said: “To be offended by bad words addressed to you is to agree with them.” This simple phrase explains everything. Do you consider yourself to be what your enemies are trying to make you look like? Of course not. But there is no point in proving them otherwise. It is better to step aside, leaving their words unheeded.
Do you want to know how to learn to forgive insults? Justify your opponents. Try to put yourself in their place and understand why they do it. Everything is simpler than it seems at first glance. Nature created one so angry, the second was offended today, and he shouted at you in the heat of the moment, the third has an unlucky day today, everything falls out of his hands, and he decided to “send everything to hell”, having quarreled with everyone, including you . Justified? Has it become easier? All that remained in my heart was pity for these poor fellows.
Live in the present. You need to forgive the offense in time, let go of the past and continue to go on your way. Focusing on quarrels with others will not lead to good.
The main thing is the inner core!
Only strong-willed people can remain calm in response to criticism and not be offended by insults and slander. We often worry about the bad things we hear about ourselves. It doesn't matter if they said them to our eyes or behind our backs. But if we know that we have done nothing wrong, then why are we worried? The main thing is the confidence that we are right, that we are doing the right thing, that the truth is on our side. This conviction gives us calmness, firmness, determination. The inner core will not allow us to bend before offensive insults and slander. And we will not have questions about how to forgive an offense and let go of the past, how to forget insults addressed to us, how to improve relations after a quarrel.
Exercise number 1 - revenge on the offender
Learning to forgive is not easy. Getting over yourself is sometimes difficult. Special exercises will help to do this, for example, such as "imaginary revenge on the offender." It consists in the following:
Exercise number 2 - forgiveness
Psychologists say that thoughts and words are material. By managing them, you can easily change your life both positively and negatively. And if positive thoughts and words carry a creative energy, then negative ones produce a destructive effect. This knowledge will help us answer the main question that concerns us: "How to forgive an offense, finding peace and joy?" It is recommended to perform this exercise for 5-15 minutes a day. It is best to do this with a partner, but you can do it alone. It consists in the following:
- Take a comfortable position.
- Loudly and emotionally repeat several times, mentally addressing your offender: “You are good, cheerful, kind ... I forgive you for the fact that ...”.
- After releasing the resentment, tell yourself this: "I forgive myself for ...".
Three ways not to be offended
- Only truly strong and great people have self-control. Anyone can be offended, but only a select few can forgive. No wonder Socrates said: "To be offended is beneath the dignity of a person." And why are we worse than a great philosopher? Let's learn to forgive.
- Let's replace resentment with pity. For example, our soulmate spoke sharply about some of our personal qualities: the husband said that his wife was a bad cook, the wife "broke her husband's brain" about small earnings, and so on. Now we are overwhelmed by the thought of how to forgive an offense to a loved one. Let's just take pity on the poor guy. After all, a person offends when he is in a state of anger, frustration or a bad mood. And all this adversely affects his health. It's already not easy for the offender.
- You can try to find out why people offend us. A heart-to-heart conversation will help resolve an unpleasant situation.
The main thing is not to keep
Not everyone understands why we should learn how to forget the offense and forgive. But, as we have already found out, experiencing negative emotions is unhealthy. And resentment, anger, grief - these are perhaps the most negatively colored feelings. In our civilized society, it is not customary to openly express your emotions, especially negative ones. Therefore, many people, swallowing resentment, try to pretend that nothing happened. But experiences do not give them rest. Over time, the unpleasant situation is erased from memory, but the sediment on the soul from it still remains.
What to do in this case? Release negative emotions out in time so that they do not have time to harm our physical and mental health. You need to do this when you are at home alone. Otherwise, you can unpleasantly shock your household. You can break several plates on the floor, knock your fists on the pillow, imagining your offender in its place. You can just scream loudly at home when you are alone. It takes only a few minutes. But you will see how easy it will be for you after that. The world will no longer seem so dark and cruel, the offender - rude and heartless, and those around you - indifferent and ruthless.
Religion for Forgiveness
There are words in the Bible about loving your enemies and thanking them for the evil deeds they do. Christian preachers teach that the one who strikes on the cheek should also offer the other cheek for the blow, and the one who takes away the outer clothing should also give the shirt. At first glance it seems that these sayings are reckless. How can one not resist blows and thank one's enemies for beatings? But it seems nonsense only at first glance. It is important for a person to learn to forgive others in order to preserve their own health. An offended, upset, angry person is in a state of tension, constantly scrolling in his head the details of the quarrel and possible ways of revenge. Negative thoughts deprive him of the joy of being. Having forgiven his offenders, he finds peace and tranquility. No more pain and suffering. You can move on and do good deeds. Life is already too short to waste it on such trifles as scandals and quarrels.
Why think about how to forgive an offense? Mother and father should not be offended at all. These are the people whose love for children is immeasurable. As for the enemies, here many people may have such questions: “Why should I forgive my enemy? Why do him good? Because he doesn't deserve it." There is a wonderful passage in the Bible that says, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, then give him a drink: for by doing this you are heaping burning coals on his head.” These words have a deep meaning. You cannot defeat evil with evil. Bad things can only be eradicated with good. And then, who knows, maybe your worst enemy will become your best friend. No wonder they say: "From hate to love - only one step." The Bible will tell you the answer to the question of how to learn to forgive offenses. Try to be a true Christian and follow all the commandments set forth in it. Then in your life there will be no place for resentment, hatred, revenge.
Prayer for forgiveness of enemies
When it becomes especially difficult for us, we turn to God for help. And it is not at all necessary to know certain prayers here. You can express in your own words what lies like a stone on our soul, and ask the Almighty for salvation. The answer to the question of how to forgive and let go is clear. We need to open and read the Bible more often, follow the commandments given in it. The Lord teaches us that we need to love our neighbor as ourselves, no matter what, that we should forgive our enemies, no matter what offense they may inflict on us. This is necessary, first of all, to the most offended.
And a prayer with which you can turn to God can be like this:
“Lord, our father, I ask you, give me the strength to forgive the people who offended me. You, the Merciful, taught us: “Love your enemies. Bless all who curse you. Do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who offend and persecute you." Give me the strength of my soul to forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. Help me to reconcile with those who offended me in my soul. Let me find the joy of forgiveness."
You need to repeat this every day. And then you will no longer have questions about how to forgive the offense. Prayer saves from empty experiences and anxiety.
How to forgive a loved one and let go?
How many tears are shed when love leaves! It is very difficult after this to forget the betrayal of the second half and start life anew. It is especially hard for women in such situations.
These tips will teach them how to forgive a man for an offense, let him go and start life from scratch:
Give him all his things, remove all joint photos so that nothing reminds you of him;
Take a two-week vacation and fly to warm countries to relax;
Try not to isolate yourself, go to the cinema, cafes, clubs, somewhere where there are a lot of people, where life is in full swing;
Call your best friend for help, talk to her, cry, you will immediately feel better;
Write on a piece of paper all the shortcomings of your former lover, remembering all the bad things that are associated with him, tear the piece of paper and mentally say goodbye to this "scoundrel".
Aphorisms of famous people about forgiveness
To be offended is common to all people. It is curious what famous people say about this negative feeling.
Oscar Wilde: "The best way to piss off your enemies is to forgive them."
Thomas Szas: "A stupid person does not forget and does not forgive, a naive person both forgets and forgives, a smart person forgives, but does not forget."
William Blake: "It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend."
Johann Schiller: "Forgiveness is stronger than all victories."
Gilbert Chesterton: "A haughty apology is another insult."
Henri de Monterlant: “There are people to whom we forgive everything, and there are people to whom we do not forgive anything. Those to whom we do not forgive anything are our friends.”
Jean Paul: "A person is beautiful when he forgives himself or asks for forgiveness from another."
George Halifax: "Conscience and memory always diverge as to whether wrongs should be forgiven."
We found out the reasons why some people try to humiliate and insult others, and also looked at several ways to forgive an insult.
