The difficult choice between "keep silent" or "say" has to be made quickly and intuitively. But still there are situations when it is obvious that it is better to remain silent than to speak.
When is it best to remain silent?
Honesty and sincerity are worthy of praise, but sometimes a frank and truthful remark can greatly complicate the relationship with others. It is better to remain silent about the shortcomings (character or appearance) and not criticize a person whom you do not know well and cannot predict how he will react. Of course, if it is necessary to put a presumptuous villain in his place, this is another matter, in other cases it is better to remain silent. There are situations when it is impossible to remain silent, in which case it is better to make a remark in line with constructive criticism.
It's better to remain silent about their plans, about unfulfilled ideas. Why? Psychologists are convinced that by declaring intentions and announcing your goals, you turn them into a “social reality”. Thus, you mislead your own brain, it thinks that the goal has become closer, a feeling of satisfaction sets in, and the incentive to work on the goal decreases. Learn more about this theory from the article - "Why silence is golden?".
It is better to remain silent even in a situation where you do not understand the essence or the topic of the conversation is not known. There are people who, in order to seem smarter, are ready to participate in any conversation, and very often it ends funny for them. If you do not fully understand the meaning of the conversation (you are not present at first, you do not know people well, etc.), it is better to keep silent, do not interfere. It is also better to remain silent if you do not understand the topic of the conversation - you will look smarter. It is impossible to know everything, you are not Wasserman, you are forgiven.
As one wise man said - "When you drink good wine, do not ask where it comes from, and do not ask an honest person about his religion and origin". Religion, politics and the national question are very touchy topics. It is better to remain silent! Some people may even react to neutral or positive words regarding these topics in the most unpredictable way.
keep silent or refuse to answer in a situation where you are required to make quick decisions, and the matter concerns difficult things - very smart. You have time to think, weigh all the pros and cons. Quick acceptance of unexpected offers is often shortsighted. If in an offer (collaboration, sale, transfer to another position, etc.) you feel pressure, and you are told that it is valid for two to three minutes, remember smart will keep silent or answer "no". By the way, a similar way to get a quick answer (“Decide now or never ...”) is one of the ways to manipulate a person. So it's better to remain silent.
When discussing third parties in a conversation, people often baselessly and unsubstantiatedly pour accusations right and left. Such criticism can only be called slander. Therefore, when it comes to discussing a person (especially who is not around), better to remain silent than to speak something based on conjecture and conjecture. Imagine that for every word of untruth you can be sued or you “can be pulled up by the tongue” (yes, pulled up so much that it won’t seem enough). And even if out of twenty people who speak about us, nineteen tell a lie, we should not be like such people. Remember, slander is an instrument of envy, and envy does not lead to good.
If you speak, but they don’t listen to you, you should immediately shut up, otherwise you may be considered an intrusive and annoying person. And to make it look beautiful, you can use some kind of distracting situation (for example, remember that you need to call). It is also not worth resuming a conversation that did not arouse interest and a conversation that was interrupted not on your initiative. It will have to be asked.
If in the above situation you cannot say to yourself: I would better keep silent», « I just keep silent”, Perhaps then you need to think about how to get rid of talkativeness and verbosity?
We so often say rash things, insult people, and make promises that we can't keep afterward. It's all because we don't know how to shut up in time. Why should we, in every situation, enter into a debate, insult or try to say a pseudo-intelligent thing, after which you can be considered an even greater fool?
There are situations when it is better to remain silent (a skill that many of our politicians must use).
1. Required facts are missing
I think you know the screaming mules who will open their mouths and argue even if they don't see the full picture and lack facts about the subject of the debate. A man who enters into an argument and expresses his opinion without confirmation by reliable information is likened to market chatter. He may not get the best reputation in society. You do not own the subject of conversation - it is better to be silent.
2. When you feel that words can hurt
In the heat of a dispute, careless phrases are so often dropped that can cross out past relationships, making friends enemies. A man must control his emotions and especially the words that fly from his mouth during a conflict. We are unforgivable any flaws in dealing with people, and if you undeservedly offend someone. After a while, when the “fog of war” clears, you will regret what you said earlier many times. Pause, cool down, and then continue the conversation.
3. Don't speak when you should listen
The ability to listen is very rare in humans. This skill must be developed in oneself in order to become a master of dialogue. Many people prefer to speak at the moment when it is better not to interrupt the interlocutor and listen to the end. Without interrupting a person, you can get additional information and win over you, because we love it so much when we speak, and they listen to us and nod understandingly.
4. When there is nothing to say
Oh, when it would be necessary to say something, but the brain can not generate a suitable topic or a biting phrase. And you know, sometimes it's really better to be silent, because depending on the situation, you can blurt out utter nonsense. If your girlfriend got pregnant, which was a shock to you, then it’s better to remain silent than to say something like: “By the way, my mother grew up without a father - and what, she grew up to be a great person!”, Or “Oh, and who is the father ?! ".
5. When they try to hurt you
If you see that the interlocutor during the dialogue began to appeal with the most stupid arguments and give useless arguments, and apart from unreasonable aggression, insults, reproaches and volcanic, this person cannot provide anything else, then it is better to stop the conversation. Such a character is unlikely to prove anything, and is it worth it?
6. When emotions flooded
“Promises made in a storm are quickly forgotten in good weather” is a good phrase that illustrates people who make promises under the influence of emotions. But what will happen after you cool your head and remember what you said earlier? As a man, you must stand behind your words and back them up with deeds. But it was possible to get by with simple gratitude without loud speeches and brovade.
7. When to act instead of talking
Why pronounce a hundred words a minute, discussing a trifling problem, when you can take it and silently solve it. Excessive controversy takes precious time and does not bring any benefit. Those who often prefer to repeatedly discuss the problem, complaining about it, are more likely to be afraid to take responsibility and resolve the issue, rather than looking for ways out of the current situation.
8. Discuss people
An action unworthy of a man. Talking about people behind their backs, talking nasty things about them, you certainly will not become the guy who will pull the sword out of the stone. Do not waste your time on useless gossip, but rather stop this conversation with your meaningful silence.
Image copyright Getty Images Image caption "Shh! Don't tell anyone!"
The secret is a rather insidious phenomenon. Life shows that sooner or later the secret becomes clear, and the desire to keep something a secret quite often pushes us to lie.
BBC journalist Mark Tully asked the question: is openness always good and in what cases is it justified to keep secrets?
According to psychologists, thinking about what we keep secret makes us less happy, and in some cases can even negatively affect our physical health.
It can be said that giving up secrets is quite often a wise decision.
But not everything is so simple. There are a number of cases when it is better to keep the truth to yourself. What are these situations?
1. When it doesn't concern anyone else
No one needs to know about your habits or personal quirks that may confuse others. So it’s better not to tell anyone about them - of course, if you yourself don’t want others to know about them.
Maybe you are secretly a fan of the pop duo Jedward or dance the Tudor jig in the morning, or maybe you suffer from mycophobia - the fear of poisoning yourself with mushrooms?
It doesn't matter what personal oddities are characteristic of you - this is your own business, and no one needs to know about it.
2. When a friend told his secret and asked not to tell anyone
Image copyright Getty Images Image caption "Only between us..."If we agree, at the request of friends, to keep some of their secrets, then we must fulfill the promise.
Telling the secret of your friend, you risk ruining your relationship with him forever.
Even worse, if you told a friend's secret to some person, and he blabbed it to everyone. Once you tell someone else's secret, you can no longer prevent the information from spreading. Everything will depend entirely on the person whom you have dedicated to the secret.
This idea is well illustrated by the situation with the writer JK Rowling, when in 2013 her pseudonym was revealed - Robert Galbraith, under which she wrote the detective "Cuckoo's Call".
The fact that this is Rowling's pseudonym was a secret: only a few people knew about it. But that didn't help keep the secret. As it turned out, lawyer Rowling revealed the secret to his wife's best friend, and soon the whole world found out who was behind the pseudonym Robert Galbraith.
3. When it comes to business
Image copyright Getty Images Image caption "I know where the information is stored..."The success of many companies is associated with the ability to keep important business information secret, which gives them an edge over competitors.
For example, the Coca-Cola Company is known for keeping the recipe of its drinks under the strictest confidence. Only a few employees know the recipes. Recipes are not stored on electronic media - they are written down on paper and are kept in a safe.
Google is no less serious about keeping secrets about the Hummingbird search algorithm, which the company has been using since 2013. Hummingbird determines the relevance of a document to a search phrase by deciphering the relationship between the terms used in the query. Google does not disclose the technical principles of the Hummingbird.
But it's not just companies that build their businesses on keeping extremely sensitive information secret.
So do some people who build a career and try to achieve success.
The legendary American illusionist and actor Harry Houdini built his career thanks, among other things, to the fact that he kept the secrets of his tricks in secret. Until now, no one knows how he managed to disappear from the straitjacket while he was hanging upside down in it.
4. To protect yourself
Image copyright Getty Images Image caption You should talk about your psychological traumas only when you are ready for such a conversation.5. If it's a surprise
Image copyright Getty Images Image caption Oh my god!Surprises - if we are talking about a birthday greeting or a gift - are very pleasant: they make it clear how important the person for whom the surprise was being prepared is for you. But before you organize something like that, you need to make sure that the person loves surprises and is ready for them.
The indefatigable romantic Mark Crayford hid from his girlfriend for six months that he was taking riding lessons. He also ordered knightly armor from Germany. He did all this in order to appear before his girlfriend in the garb of a knight and propose to her.
Unfortunately, as Mark dismounted from his horse, he collapsed to the ground not very gracefully. As a result, the marriage proposal turned out to be not as beautiful and romantic as Mark expected. But despite what happened, his girlfriend Tracy still said yes.
6. Initial stage of negotiations
Image copyright Getty Images Image caption Details of business or international negotiations should be kept secret for some time.In the early stages of international negotiations over important issues, such as security or a truce, their details are usually kept secret. This is done so that the parties can more openly express their position.
By agreeing to talk, both parties involved in the negotiations are taking a huge political risk, says Patricia Lewis, an expert at Chatham House, a British think tank specializing in foreign affairs.
Therefore, as the expert notes, it is very important for the parties to be sure that they can openly explore the possibilities of finding a compromise without fear that the details of the negotiations will become known to the public or the wider circle of persons.
7. To ensure the safety or protection of someone
Image copyright Getty Images Image caption World War II poster reminds of the importance of keeping secretsDuring the Second World War, many people, trying to protect others, turned out to be the keepers of big secrets.
During the Nazi occupation of Denmark, Jörgen Keeler's family was able to save the lives of thousands of Jews by transporting them to Sweden.
For two weekends, young Elsbeth Keeler secretly traveled all over Denmark, collecting about a million crowns in donations for this operation (this amount is equivalent to today's 168 thousand dollars).
The money was used to bribe soldiers and pay fishermen who agreed to transport groups of Jews to Sweden by sea.
Secrets are especially important when it comes to national security.
We may never know how many terrorist attacks are prevented by police and intelligence agencies around the world every day.
When such operations become known, we understand how important it was to keep information about them secret: the police have to covertly monitor suspects for a long period of time in order to uncover the criminals' plans. Often, the ability to keep information secret helps save hundreds and even thousands of lives.
“There are moments when it is appropriate to say something and moments when it is better to remain silent” (c) Aung San Suu Kyi
“There are moments when it is appropriate to say something and moments when it is better to remain silent”
Aung San Suu Kyi
Here are 10 situations in which we advise you to remain silent.
1. When you don't have the right facts
Harlan Ellison, the most prolific short fiction writer in history, once said, "You have no right to your own opinion, you have a right to an informed opinion." Whether you agree with this or not is up to you. However, if you talk about a certain topic without having facts or evidence, then you give the impression of a "close-minded" person.
In delicate matters, it is better to remain silent until you have the necessary facts.
2. You are sure that your words can hurt others.
Each of us had moments when we unfairly offended a person by saying something in a hurry. Even realizing what consequences our words would lead to, we still decided to say them.
To avoid this, it is better to remain silent if you are angry.
3. You think you will regret what you said later.
This situation is often related to the previous one. When we become impulsive and short-tempered, there is a huge chance that we will hurt both others and ourselves.
Are the spoken words worth it so that later we would be ashamed of them? Definitely not.
4. When you should listen to others
The truth is that it is extremely rare for people to fully focus and focus their attention on the speaker. Basically people don't want to listen; they want to be listened to.
Learning to focus your attention and listen to others will help you improve relationships and expand your knowledge.
5. When we have nothing to say
We all know how unbearable "awkward silence" can be, but keeping up small talk requires certain communication skills. We don’t argue, it’s nice sometimes to chat about nothing with friends, but why should we be obliged to say something if we really have nothing to say?
6. When they try to hurt you
Someone may not like us for no specific reason, and they may mock us - no one is immune from this. If they are trying to offend you, you do not need to respond to it. In such cases, it is best to end such a conversation immediately.
7. If you are trying to change your behavior
This is commendable if you are trying to kick a bad habit, but changing your behavior is not easy. Our habits often recur if we don't pay attention to them.
If we try to change our way of speaking, we get conflicting thoughts and feelings. It is better to be silent until you take yourself and your thoughts under control.
8. If you are overwhelmed with negative emotions
Again, there is no such unwritten rule that would oblige you to talk to people, especially when in a bad mood. As mentioned earlier, negative emotions can cloud our consciousness and lead to undesirable consequences.
9. When you could be doing something more productive
What is the point of these simple conversations if this time can be spent on something more important? Not surprisingly, talking about nothing is a way to avoid responsibility.
Think about something more useful that you could do instead.
10. If what you say might reflect badly on someone
Talking badly about someone intentionally trying to harm them is at least stupid, in this situation you do not win anything. This applies to your partners, friends, relatives or colleagues. If the problem arose between you and not a close person, solve it with him personally.
