When something goes wrong, it's always your fault, not him. Familiar situation? When a person behaves this way and you have to tiptoe in front of them, use the strategy below to avoid conflict and prevent similar situations from occurring in the future.
Such a situation can be repeated many times, and if a person who adequately assesses the situation is involved in it, the problem can be solved fairly quickly; if it affects one who is in error, conflict is inevitable.
This behavior is based on low self-esteem. It seems to a person that everything that happens in his life is somehow due to the fact that they are trying to use him. For example, if you keep him waiting, he will decide that you don't care about his condition or that you don't respect him enough to show up to the meeting on time.
If you have high self-esteem, you won't be quick to attribute a person's lateness to their attitude towards you; you rather assume that something happened. Or decide that the person makes you wait for yourself, trying to feel your own significance. In this situation, do this: first, do not jump to conclusions that such actions indicate disrespect for you; secondly, if you do come to this conclusion, do not get angry - because you do not need someone else's respect in order to respect yourself.
The person with low self-esteem thinks (in most cases on a subconscious level) something like this: "This person does not like me and does not respect me enough to behave with me in this way." By accepting ourselves, we accept others. We perceive the outside world through the filter of our own idea of ourselves, and if this idea is distorted, our relationships with people worsen.
"I have to look at him!"
That is why you always want to see the driver who cut us on the road. Such an act can always be explained, but if the driver looks like he did it on purpose, from a lack of respect, we get even more angry. If this driver had been an old woman, we would not have been very angry, assuming that she simply did not see well, and we would not have taken what happened to heart. In addition, we always want that person behind the wheel to confirm our idea of \u200b\u200bwho exactly can drive a car like this, because it enhances the feeling of control over the situation - to know everything and always be right.
Low self-esteem makes a person self-centered, he begins to believe that the world revolves around him, and takes into account only his own desires and needs.
Self-respect is the basis of self-esteem. If you don't respect yourself, you cannot respect others. And if you also believe that others do not respect you, then you admit that their actions were deliberate.
Psychological decision.
Are you tired of such phrases: “Because of you, I missed my turn” or “Why did you order me this? You know I don't eat fried food," or "Why aren't the documents prepared? You had all night to do this, didn't you? Then read on.
Solving this problem is quite simple. However, first pay attention to the following: no one has the right to insult you. If you feel like you've become someone's psychological punching bag, do whatever it takes to make a difference.
Remember: people will treat you the way you let them. If you are dealing with a person who is at least somewhat reasonable, make it clear that his behavior is unacceptable.
But let's analyze a situation where it is not possible to do this - for example, if you are dealing with your boss, or with your wife, or with not very close family members.
The key to solving the problem is simple: give the interlocutor what he needs so badly, and do it at the moment when he in a good mood. Thus, by the next aggravation of the situation, such a psychological climate will be created that your “enemy” will consider it inappropriate to find fault with you. He can choose another target for attacks, but this target will no longer be you. By applying this strategy, you become a source of psychological support for a person. That is why he cannot cut the notorious branch on which his psyche “sits”.
1. Inspire respect for yourself.
The best defense is an attack. Create a psychological reserve for your opponent so that he can use it if necessary. Listed below are simple ways to do this.
- Criticize a person only when absolutely necessary,
while using the methods described in the article "How to criticize without hurting feelings." - When someone makes a mistake, support them and don't be too hard on them.
- Be tactful and polite when communicating.
- Do not discuss the person with others.
- Tell someone you know in common that you deeply respect and appreciate this person.
- Never humiliate the interlocutor and do not show your disrespect for him, especially in the presence of other people.
All these actions seem simple, but sometimes they are difficult to put into practice. However, their role in changing the relationship with a difficult person can be decisive.
2. Change the person's idea of himself.
You need to get the person to identify with someone who won't pick on you and blame you for their problems.
This can be done with a simple but well thought out phrase. This situation requires that the interlocutor perceives himself as a good-natured person, so you can say something like: "I admire your calmness when this craziness begins" or: "I really appreciate that you are patient with me."
Such phrases will help to use such a powerful psychological factor as internal consistency. With these types of phrases, the person will feel an inner need to act in accordance with your ideas about him, since you have touched his ego. People need to behave in accordance with how they see themselves and how,
in their opinion, they are perceived by others. It sounds very simple, but the results of numerous studies confirm that the image of the self is very easy to change through this technique. People with low self-esteem may do foolish things, but the rejection of self-perception is not one of them.
3. Get the person to do something for you.
Now you become a source of support for this person, his admirer. Criticizing you would mean to him the same thing as criticizing himself, and even worse, because you seem to appreciate him more, than he himself. (See the following article, "Dealing With Unbalanced People," for other helpful methods for dealing with this problem.)
Real life example.
The restaurant manager yells at the waiter for any, even the most insignificant reason.
Waiter [choosing an appropriate time]. Do you know what I respect you most for, Mr. Harris? You are always so calm in a tense environment, I just admire it.
Mr Harris. Well, sometimes I still lose my temper...
Waiter. None of us are immune from this. But you control yourself more than anyone else.
Now Mr. Harris sees himself through the eyes of a waiter. The next time a manager wants to raise his voice at his subordinate, he will stop himself (most likely subconsciously) because he does not want to destroy the image of a person who knows how to control himself.
The waiter, in addition, turns to the manager for advice, again choosing the right moment for this:
Mr Harris, I know you are a wise man. This is very personal, but I want to ask you for advice on a problem that I had with a friend ...
The manager will gladly give advice to the waiter by making an emotional investment in him. As in the case of any investment, a person is not indifferent to their future fate. He will never harm the object of his investments. Mr. Harris will no longer yell at the waiter.
Short review.
To calm an irritable, short-tempered person, do the following:
1) inspire him with respect for yourself;
2) change his idea of himself - perceiving himself as a different person, he will begin to behave like a different person;
3) make him put his feelings into you.
How great it would be to live in a world where mutual understanding, harmony reign and everyone understands each other perfectly. Alas, life is arranged a little differently, and some people are very annoying to us - just like ourselves, perhaps annoying someone.
1. They admit that they may not like everyone.
Sooner or later you will come across a person who will have a completely opposite point of view. Smart people understand this. They also recognize that conflicts or disagreements can even be beneficial, as they show differences of opinion.
Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean they are a bad person. You disagree on some things, but disputes sometimes come up with new solutions. Once you recognize that it is impossible to please everyone and please everyone, emotions will fade into the background and this will help you learn to listen to other people's opinions.
2. They are patient with someone they don't like.
Of course, you can react sharply to any action of a person unpleasant to you, get annoyed because of any little thing, but still try to be a little more tolerant.
Hang out with people who aren't afraid to argue. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Such people challenge or provoke us, which helps us achieve our goals and move forward. Remember that you are not perfect, but still others tolerate you.
3. They are polite.
Regardless of how you feel about someone, the person will most likely be attuned to you in exactly the same way that you are to them. If you are rude, you are more likely to get rude in return. "Keep your record" and be polite without letting your emotions get the better of you.
4. They understand that everyone does things differently.
Sometimes we expect too much from others. For some reason, we selfishly assume that others will do exactly the same as we would do in this or that situation, or say the same thing that we ourselves would say. However, this is not true. Expecting others to behave the same way is tantamount to setting yourself up in advance to disappointment and despair.
Tune in to the fact that each person does the same things in their own way. Another time you will be psychologically ready, and the habits of others will no longer be a surprise to you. Smart people do this all the time and are not surprised by other people's behavior.
5. They are focused on myself
Instead of getting angry at the person again, try focusing on why you are reacting the way you do. Sometimes what we don't like about someone, we don't like about ourselves. These people simply hurt our sore spots.
Try to find your pain points. At another time, you will be able to anticipate, soften or even change your reaction. Remember, it's easier to change your perceptions, attitudes, and behaviors than it is to change someone else.
6. They pause and take a deep breath.
Some people's habits can just drive us crazy. Perhaps your colleague regularly fails to complete tasks on time, or you have a friend who is terribly annoying with stupid jokes.
Instead of once again wasting your own nerve cells, slow down and take a deep breath. This will help you calm down and prevent you from overreacting, thus allowing you to turn your head.
7. They talk about what they need.
If some people constantly hurt you, try to calmly talk to them about it. Avoid accusatory phrases and use the construction "When you ... I feel ..." For example, "When you interrupt me during meetings, I feel like you do not value my opinion." And then take a moment and wait for an answer.
And then you may be surprised to find out that the other person did not understand that you did not finish your speech, or your colleague was so excited about his new idea that he interrupted you enthusiastically.
8. They know how to keep their distance.
If all methods fail, smart people are adept at keeping their distance from those they don't like. Just go your own way. Perhaps in the future you will have the desire and opportunity to build a relationship with this person, so don't move away too far.
Perhaps each of us considers himself an absolutely self-sufficient person, not subject to any outside influences. But this is far from true. We are all to some extent dependent on our immediate environment, which has an inevitable influence on the formation of our goals, plans and intentions.
The impact on us of the people around us seems to be a kind of given, which should always be taken into account. We cannot be absolutely independent of others, ignoring their desires and assessments.
Cynicism is an unpleasant way of telling the truth.
Lillian Hellman
Asking questions
From time to time, any person has a desire to conquer certain peaks in the professional, creative or personal sphere. The achievement of success in this case will be influenced by many different factors - this is the degree of motivation, self-discipline, willingness to take responsibility for the decisions made and their implementation, diligence and the ability to overcome difficulties. Of course, here much will depend on the person himself, his ability to coordinate efforts, directing them in the right direction. However, the environment will also play its (even episodic) role, contributing to or, on the contrary, hindering our movement towards the goal.That is why every person should ask a number of important questions: “Who do I spend most of my time with?”, “How do these people behave towards me?”, “Are they giving me real help or are they just throwing promises?”, “What benefit can I get from interacting with the people around me?” etc.
Analyze it...
After answering these questions, analyze the time that you spend on each specific acquaintance. Is it constructive and useful enough for you? Perhaps you will come to the opposite conclusion.
- Think about how each person in your life affects you.
- What did he recommend you learn and read?
- What places did you recommend visiting?
- How has it affected your own thoughts and moods?
- What made you think about?
After conducting such a mini-analysis, much will become clear to you. You will be able to determine who is your helper and who, on the contrary, does not play any positive role in your life. Having found among your friends/acquaintances those people who may or are already interfering with your personal growth, get rid of them. To do this, you should not resort to any drastic measures - just change your environment. This is also worth doing because a new (favorable) circle of friends will definitely add inspiration to you, which will push you to new exploits and achievements. You will be surprised how your life will change!
Some acquaintances have a detrimental effect on our self-esteem and life position, undermine faith in our own strength, thereby significantly hindering the development as a person. Refuse any communication with such persons. Do not be afraid to draw a certain boundary between yourself and such people, minimizing or completely nullifying any contacts that are unfavorable to you.
Remember: it is better to have dinner alone than to take part in a conversation that is unpleasant for you and that you maintain purely out of politeness. It is better to refuse a meeting with someone who will only waste your time. It is better to move the conversation to another topic if it strains you and leaves a negative aftertaste. Say a resounding "no!" those people and things you don't want to have anything to do with. Of course, this can make you come across as harsh and perhaps a little cynical, however, it is much more important to be firm now than to regret the wasted time later.
close people
It happens that our relatives (parents, relatives) also make up the wrong environment, from whom we cannot get rid of and delete them from our lives. What to do in this case? Accept them for who they are. In every person you can find a positive side, some qualities that will surely arouse your admiration and in a certain way, as it were, smooth out the negative overall impression of such a person. Remember: people can change, and perhaps if you believe in the people you love and support them, they will actually become better.
What to do?
You can ask a perfectly reasonable question: And with whom, in this case, to communicate?". The answer is extremely simple - with the right people!Start making acquaintances with those people who pursue goals similar to yours and have a similar life position. Take an example from those who have achieved something in life - let them serve as an additional source of inspiration for you! An updated social circle will help you overcome your usual limited thinking, outdated patterns of behavior, thereby transferring your life to a new, better level.
Note that the right people are not necessarily super-successful, rich and high-ranking individuals. These are, first of all, people with a developed inner world, who can somehow enrich our lives by bringing fresh thoughts and ideas into it.
Sometimes we do not like someone absolutely for subjective reasons - it can be the timbre of the voice, appearance or smell. But sometimes a person with whom it is impossible to avoid communication really does not behave in the most worthy way. And in this case, the main thing is not to stoop to his level. On the one hand, this is very difficult to do, since during a conversation people often unconsciously copy the way the interlocutor talks.
Never argue with a fool - people may not notice the difference between you.
When it comes to negative emotions, it can be very difficult to calm yourself down. The simplest example is when they are rude in transport - it is terribly difficult to restrain yourself and not be rude in response. It is always worth remembering to communicate with people the way you would like to be communicated with you. Nobody likes rude people and boors.
Be open to change
You should not stick labels in the style: "This person is unpleasant to me, I do not want to continue communication with him" at the first meeting. We all are not in the mood, or too tired, or feel bad. Perhaps at the next meeting you will change your opinion about the person to the diametrically opposite one. People change and everyone should always have a second chance.
Nothing personal
What we think of someone, or someone thinks of us, is all subjective, not objective opinion. No one can be adored by everyone. Such people will always have the same number of haters as admirers. Therefore, every time you think that someone does not like you, you should not think that the person hates you, period. Maybe you just didn't communicate enough? And this feeling is not very pleasant and it obviously does not help productive communication, but only makes everything worse.
In the same way, perhaps the person who makes you tremble in resentment and is currently sitting in front of you in a business meeting can be very pleasant and sweet for someone else. And you just do not know its pleasant sides. Therefore, we keep our opinion to ourselves and try to make sure that it does not affect the outcome of a business meeting. No one is forcing you to be friends, right?
Ignore jokes and witticisms
This is one of the most difficult moments - to correctly respond to a joke or to ignore a barb. We all have different ideas about what is funny and what is not. If for someone one joke may seem absolutely harmless, then for another it can be almost a deadly insult. And sometimes a person specifically tries to piss you off with their jokes. Why succumb to provocations and stoop to his level? Better to just keep silent.
Try to speak calmly and keep your facial expressions and gestures under control.
What matters is not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it. When you say that you are absolutely calm, but at the same time you almost scream, no one will ever believe you. In the same way, a person will easily notice the dislike for him by the expression on your face. Calm voice timbre, watch your arms and legs (so as not to cross) and try to keep the facial expression of Pockerface.
Learn Active Listening
If you have already realized that a person is unpleasant for you, do not focus on this and do not scroll this thought in your head over and over again. Instead of constantly thinking about the negative, it is better to listen carefully to what you are being told. By focusing on the essence of the conversation, you can quickly understand what exactly they want from you, and quickly end this unpleasant communication.
Keep track of time
Time is one of the most limited human resources.
It's more about how to behave in a way that doesn't annoy someone. Time is one of the most limited human resources. It is of course for anyone, regardless of the status and amount of money. Therefore, it is terribly annoying when a person makes himself wait for no apparent reason, but simply to seem important. Keep this in mind and don't make people wait and waste their most precious resource.
When communicating with a person, remember that only you are able to control your behavior. And the outcome of your conversation depends on it. Yes, sometimes we cannot choose our interlocutor or partner, but we can choose how to behave.
If the world were perfect, then every person with whom you had to communicate would be cheerful, attentive, kind, generous and possess a dozen more positive qualities. There would be no envy, self-interest, anger in people, and there would be no wars on the planet. Unfortunately, we live in a different reality: with wars and evil people. And instead of complaining, you have to adapt. The realization that the people around us are imperfect can be frustrating. But at the same time, understanding this prepares for communication and interaction with unpleasant personalities.
There are 7 proven ways that will help you interact with difficult people without unnecessary hassle and scandals, without wasting your energy and nerves.
1. Take breaks
Many of us tend to make impulsive decisions that are dictated not by reason, but by feelings. Then you have to deal with the consequences. During a quarrel, we do not back down; we do not pause when we are criticized; we immediately begin to defend ourselves, instead of finding out what is the reason for the failure. Such behavior destroys not only business ties, but also friendships, relationships, even families. The secret is that we must learn to take a little pause to give ourselves time to cool down and think about the answer. After you are criticized, you immediately want to enter into a verbal battle and prove to the wrong side that you did your best, and it’s not your fault. And even if you are right, the impulsiveness and emotionality with which you will submit information will become your enemy.
After a short pause, you will calm down and think over a competent answer. You will also be able to soberly assess the situation, and if there is really your fault in a particular failure, then you will begin to work on the mistakes. A pause can discourage the opponent a little, and besides, it will have a beneficial effect on him. Don't blurt out the first thing that comes to mind and you won't fall into the trap of rash words.
2. Stay neutral
Once you have decided that you do not like a particular person, then any of his actions or phrases become irritants. He will seem awkward, stupid, and over time will begin to infuriate every atom of your being. But think about this: the person you don't love so much is someone's son, a beloved brother, maybe a father. In fact, he is a good guy who has become a victim of your subjective attitude. Someone loves him and is waiting for a call or message from this person.
You should not love him, but get rid of prejudices and treat those who are unpleasant to you without any emotions. Sometimes someone who initially made a terrible impression turns out to be a nice guy later on, and the negative attitude you have formed can become a barrier to normal communication. Do not focus on the negative and treat people who irritate you neutrally. Thanks to this approach, it will become much easier to communicate with them and you will not be so critical of the actions and words of these people.
3. Instead of ultimatums, use “what if…”
If you have a dialogue with a difficult person who is not famous for his best character, but you must defend your positions and make suggestions, then you can go for a trick. Start a phrase that contains a specific sentence with the words "what if ...". Let's look at a real example. “You have to get your employees to come to work an hour early throughout the month so that they have time to complete the plan.” It sounds very ultimatum and even a little disdainful of human labor. But what if you framed this sentence a little differently: “What if your employees show up an hour early during the month to meet the plan?” First, you ask a question, not an ultimatum. Secondly, the interlocutor feels that his opinion is important, and it will be much easier for you to come to a compromise. Use these tricks to achieve your goals.
4. Create a personal space
If a particular person infuriates you so much that you simply cannot interact with him, then create a space for yourself where he will not be around. Work in another room, if possible; at a corporate evening, sit at the other end of the table; zone your space so that interaction with this person is minimal. Also, you can isolate yourself from him psychologically. For example, do not participate in discussions initiated by this person; do not focus on his comments. Just eliminate any influence this person has on your life.
5. Create boundaries in communication
Now let's talk about individuals who know no boundaries and like to stick their nose where they shouldn't. They may ask a lot of personal questions that not everyone will want to answer. They want to express their opinion on any issue, cannot resist arguing and just love to discuss other people. Create boundaries and talk about them. Explain that there is a personal thing that you should not ask about, especially in front of strangers. One tough conversation will eliminate any conflicts and misunderstandings in the future.
6. Give me a “chance of redemption”
This is a simple way, which at the same time requires cunning and ingenuity from you. Imagine someone getting in line ahead of you. You can start a conflict that can end in anything. And you can say the following: “Oh, you must not have realized that the queue starts a little further and I am also standing in it.” Thus, you do not poke a person's face in his omission, but give a chance to correct the situation. Even a conflicted person will not swear if you choose exactly this approach that works for almost all cases.
7. Accept that many of the things you don't like about others you don't like about yourself.
It's not easy to accept, right? But most of all we are annoyed by people in whom we see a reflection of our weaknesses. Lack of punctuality, inappropriate jokes - all this is in us. Only we do not perceive our own shortcomings so critically. Before adding someone to the list of "despicable", think about what caused your negative attitude. Understand your own shortcomings before blaming other people for them.
