How to learn to be alone and at the same time be happy? Is it possible to "make friends" with loneliness and make it your ally, not your enemy? Our reader Natalya Kryukova succeeded. And she shares her experience with other single women.
At the age of forty, I was alone. Without a beloved and, as it was thought, a loving husband. A loving husband loves another.
For the first couple of months, I suffered. And then… as if something clicked in my head. And I began to pull myself out of the abyss of grief. Tried a lot, went to extremes. But at some point I realized that everything was not right. The first thing I need is to understand and realize that I am alone. And learn to live with it: consciously and, if possible, happily.
Take an Inventory of Yourself. It seems to you that life is over, because your role as a wife is no longer in it. But you are not only a wife. Take a piece of paper, a pen and write in a column who you are.
Write everything that comes to mind: the head of the personnel department, the cactus grower, the cross-stitcher, the caring daughter, the lover of walking in the rain. The more points, the better.
Now look at the list and cross out what is "gone" along with the item "wife". Probably just a couple of lines, for example, "obstinate daughter-in-law" or "dirty socks cleaner." And by highlighting in red what's left, you'll see how many possibilities you still have.
Stop chewing on memories. Change your home as much as possible. All things that cause painful associations, sell, give away or give "in good hands." Remove joint photos, and from everywhere. Instead of them, put and hang your photos - the most successful ones, in beautiful frames.
And one more thing - remove postcards, letters from the house and from the computer, that is, everything that you can cry over.
Go to the people. But wisely. The worst thing you can do is frantically look for lovers or withdraw into yourself. Both of these options are obviously failures. It is optimal to communicate with friends, having discussed in advance that you do not touch the “sick” topic. Go to places where people don't know about your situation: to a cactus lovers circle, to tango training courses. You can and even need to try your hand at volunteering: with children, with animals, with the elderly - what you have more soul for.
Surprise everyone. And first of all, yourself. Do what you wanted, but there was no time, money, opportunities. Find both, and the other, and the third. And finally, jump with a parachute. Get a piercing. Sign up for a Sanskrit course. Or start running in the park in the morning, even if it's winter outside. Even if you can't run, just walk.
Remove from the lexicon the question: “Why do I need this?”. And not only in the context of his loneliness, but in all other contexts.
First, you get out of the role of a victim, undeservedly offended. Secondly, reduce the intensity of negative feelings towards the “offender”. And thirdly, you begin to gradually understand what fate wants to tell you with this loneliness. What should you understand and take away from this situation. For example, while unwinding this ball, I suddenly realized that loneliness was given to me, at least in order to finally take care of my health. Because after the divorce, all the sores, which had previously been quietly dormant, became more active. And in marriage, I was always not up to myself - it just happened.
Make wishes. Every morning start with the question: “What do I want today?”. Give yourself three answers. And do at least one of the three. Even if they all seem impossible. But, for example, if you think of a "luxury car", go to a car dealership. Ask the price, sit in the car, talk to the manager. And for some time this car will really be yours - everything is honest, the desire is fulfilled.
Summary. I was aware of my loneliness for twenty-five months. Another year - enjoyed it. Absolutely honest. There were also men in my life, but none of them “hooked” enough to linger next to him. Moreover, the option “with anyone - if only not alone” now absolutely does not suit me.
But when I fully realized myself alone, accepted and fell in love with this new status and new life, miracles began. First, the ex-husband made an attempt to return. Then the gentlemen began to appear one by one. And I realized a paradoxical thing: a woman who realizes and loves loneliness becomes very attractive to men! In the nature of this paradox, I still understand - and, out of habit, I realize.
Even 50 years ago, choosing to live alone was associated with something marginal and unnatural. Practically from birth, everyone received the mindset that living alone is not only strange and condemnable, but also dangerous. Exaggeratedly, this idea appeared in the dystopian film " Lobster"(2015), according to the plot of which loners were prosecuted, and everyone who wanted, but did not find a mate, was turned into an animal and released into the forest.
Indeed, even some 100 years ago, the inability to get married was considered a real grief, and tens of thousands of years before that, punishment in the form of expulsion from the community was often perceived as a measure much more terrible than the death penalty.
Today, more and more people consciously go into free swimming - refuse marriage, live and even travel alone. For example, in 1950, only 22% of Americans lived alone, today more than 50% of US citizens choose to live solo.
How can one explain the rapid abolition of the set of traditions and rules previously honored throughout the world? Kleinenberg argues that at least four factors have contributed to the transformation of modern society: the emancipation of women, social networks, changing urban spaces, and increased life expectancy.
Indeed, for the first time in history, modern realities are such that each individual is a full-fledged cog in the economy, thanks to which the housing market has a huge number of offers for bachelors. Women's emancipation allows you to make a decision to marry and have children without a threat to your future, and an increase in life expectancy leads to the fact that one of the spouses inevitably outlives the other and is not always ready to connect his life with a new person.
Thus, loneliness today takes on a completely different meaning than it did 50 or 60 years ago. Now the right to live solo is a deeply personal and completely adequate decision, which is resorted to by millions of people on the planet.
However, despite the fact that physically secluded life has become accessible, there are still many stereotypes around loners. You need to understand that today solo life does not mean complete isolation. Thanks to the Internet and the opportunity to work from home, singles are immersed in an active social life. What's more, studies show that most single people have more fulfilling lives than their married counterparts. First of all, this is due to the fact that the new way of life is a choice in favor of healthy selfishness, that is, time intended for oneself.
“Masses of people decided on this social experiment because, in their view, such a life corresponds to the key values of modernity - individual freedom, personal control and the desire for self-realization, that is, values that are important and dear to many from adolescence. Living alone gives us the opportunity to do what we want, when we want it and on the terms we set ourselves.”
This common position today comes into conflict with the traditional model of behavior. At the same time, it is known that those who marry or have children just because “it’s necessary”, without too much reflection, often condemn those who choose a life “without obligations”, regardless of their personal level of happiness. Meanwhile, sociological observations show:
“... people who have never been married are not only no less happy than those who are married, but also feel much happier and less lonely than those who have divorced or lost a spouse .... All those who have divorced or separated from their spouse will testify that there is no lonelier life than living with a person you do not love.
Friends and relatives of singles are often worried and want to find their soul mate as soon as possible, get a job in the office, or see their loved ones more often. In fact, those loners for whom solitude is a personal choice are not outsiders and do not suffer. From the point of view of psychology, the one who is not bored with himself is a whole person, not prone to destructive codependency. Kleinenberg notes:
“In fact, the increase in the number of people living alone has nothing to do with whether Americans feel lonely or not. There are many studies open to the public that prove that the feeling of loneliness depends on the quality, not the quantity, of social contacts. What is important here is not the fact that a person lives alone, it is important whether he feels lonely.
In addition, it is quite obvious that today we are forced to spin in a frenzied flow of information. Messages and notifications on social networks are mixed with phone calls and news on TV, turning our everyday life into an information meat grinder. Perhaps the conscious appeal to solitude is also connected with the desire to take a break from external noise.
Recent studies cited in Kleinenberg's work suggest that most modern loners lead an active social life. Many of them have jobs, friends and lovers, and some even get married. Where is the loneliness here? The new social reality allows you to simultaneously have any kind of relationship and take care of yourself on your own territory. So, married couples who need personal space prefer to live separately, meeting, for example, on Sundays.
This approach to relationships often causes misunderstanding and even condemnation - a change in stereotyped behavior rarely causes acceptance by the majority. Also, many accuse loners of egocentrism, high self-esteem and indifferent attitude towards people. It must be understood that most often such attacks arise from those who lead a less eventful social life, have more free time and are prone to psychological dependence. Modern loners are ready to maintain social contacts, but they are strict in choosing friends. Their external isolation (the desire to live alone) does not mean that they do not need people, or that they do not know how to love. In addition, those who have chosen a solo life understand that the number of friends and acquaintances does not guarantee inner comfort.
Also, many believe that singles do not face problems, as they are deprived of any obligations, which is also not true. Living solo as a lifestyle is a completely new phenomenon, the scale of which the world was not ready for. That is why today singles face many problems. Some employers are not ready to hire an unmarried person, suspecting him of irresponsibility. In this case, singles are forced to fight against stereotypes. Travel lovers note that the price of a tour or a hotel room per person is much higher than the cost of a vacation for couples or companies. That is why entire societies for the protection of the rights of lonely people have appeared today. It is obvious that in the near future it is possible to develop a business whose target audience will be single people.
Now, despite the global growth of households, which are only one person, conscious loneliness causes misunderstanding and accusations of infantilism. However, psychologists and psychiatrists note that the ability to live alone is a necessary quality that many cannot learn in their entire lives. It is known that everyone needs to be alone from time to time in order to understand their place in the reality surrounding them. Moreover, a high percentage of singles can afford to spend a lot of time on self-realization. It is no coincidence that most often this way of life is chosen by representatives of the so-called creative class.
Eric Kleinenberg published his research just two years ago. In it, he declares a "large-scale social experiment" in which the whole world participates. It is interesting that today, after 24 months, the phenomenon of solo life has become much more familiar, which means that soon we will be able to talk not only about an experiment, but also about a really new social reality.
Edvard Munch "The Scream", 1893, Munch Museum, Oslo
Last week I attended a free (which today is a rarity) seminar of a well-known Samara social psychologist, family psychotherapist, teacher of the psychological faculty of Samara State University. In the context of development in my Special (pedagogy-psychology) and the work of our group of Red psychologists, I set myself the task of attending such seminars, lectures and practical classes.
By the way, wow! Now Eugene has also joined our work with Alexei. He, like Alexei, is from St. Petersburg. Graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of St. Petersburg State University, is engaged in counseling people who find themselves in emergency situations. Professionally studied many psychological methods and approaches. Evgeny also participated with our comrades (Kostya, his students in the karate group and Alexei) in running city! This week we will have a discussion of our articles: everyone took the section of modern psychology that they are currently studying and prepared an introductory article for their fellow psychologists, including reflections on how it is possible to use the developments of one or another approach in Red Psychology - in the science of the New Man: communist man, man. (We note right away that we do not designate a new stage in human evolution with this term. This, let's say, is a conditional formulation that we use in our experiment on building ).
And now about the seminar. It was dedicated to the theme of loneliness and is logically divided into two parts.
In the first part, the issue of loneliness was considered in the aspect of the feeling that arises as a result of the isolation of a person from other people, which he himself chooses. A red thread was the idea that a person fences himself off from others, isolates himself from people and experiences this as loneliness. The reasons for such self-enclosure, according to the facilitator, may be different: fear, pride ... Fear of being misunderstood / abandoned / disappointed most often leads to an acute unwillingness to build close, trusting relationships with others. Pride (aka high self-esteem and painful pride) builds a strong barrier, which is constantly strengthened by arrogant attitudes like "the more I know people, the more I love myself." As a result, a person comes to the often irrefutable thought - "no one needs me." In reality, such a person lives in such a way that he himself does not need anyone! Thus, he becomes lonely quite consciously.
The lecturer also gave such a terrible example. In the Christian tradition, it was customary for a person who committed suicide to be buried separately from everyone else, thereby dooming him to "eternal loneliness." Perhaps there is another explanation for this custom, but the leader of the seminar offered the following interpretation. People did not accept such a choice, because in fact such a person individually decided that the easiest solution for him would not be to overcome himself and eventually come to people, but to end his life without trying to break through fear and pride.
But, as you know, a person can feel lonely in a relationship. The lecturer recalled a line from the song: “It’s just that two solitudes met, they made a fire by the road, but the fire does not want to flare up, that’s all, that’s the whole conversation.” This happens when the main task of people is to drown out the oppressive feeling of loneliness with relationships. However, they can still remain alienated from each other.
In the context of the second part, the features of communication that create problems in relationships were considered (mostly it was about the relationship between a man and a woman). I was looking for a miniature for this article and eventually remembered the paintings of the Norwegian artist Edvard Munch, which vividly and figuratively illustrate relationships in which a person does not find, but loses himself.
Edvard Munch "Vampire" 1897, National Gallery, Oslo 
Edvard Munch Ashes. 1894, National Gallery, Oslo 
Edvard Munch "Parting", 1896 The main idea, which was constantly repeated by the lecturer in the second part of the seminar, is that basically all problems in relationships arise from a lack of communication. In this context, the so-called “X-ray phenomenon” was mentioned: when a person expects certain actions from his partner, while not communicating his desires, intentions and, without waiting for the desired, is offended. Typical phrases that sound at the same time: “I thought you would guess ...”, “I could have guessed, we have been together for so many years ...”, “I know what you will say ...”.
However, it is not enough just to explain your intentions intelligibly - it is also important to share essential things with each other. By the way, talking “about the main thing” is what, from the point of view of the NCC, should be given a really significant amount of time (which is what we are trying to do!). Relationships that don't have these essential conversations quickly fade away. An example of this can be seen in the film "Ordinary people" (English "Ordinary people", USA, 1980. Dir. Robert Redford), which the seminar leader recommended to watch: unwillingness to share the main thing, insincerity and prioritizing only external well-being lead the characters' relationship to tragedy.
Let me share one more thing. Somewhere a little over a month ago, I set myself the task of trying to communicate with absolutely all the people I meet (of course, varying the topics, the way the conversation is conducted, the amount of what was said, etc.) to touch on those very essential things: at least a little, but change the perspective from which they look at the world. Ideally, this is to try to convey to absolutely everyone: be it old or young, a middle manager or a left-wing activist. Of course, in certain cases, you have to follow the "Six rules of Gleb Zheglov" - see the film "The meeting place cannot be changed" (just kidding). But in general, I can say that people respond to such conversations. They acutely feel that they are suddenly talking not about the weather and not about discounts on the old collection, but about creativity, which has a place in the life of every person, about the joy of being a contribution to others, while developing themselves, about injustice, about which honest conscience will not allow a person to be silent ... So all these thoughts are not alien to people. Just maybe it's worth helping them to contact them more? And constantly, gradually and consistently convey to their awareness that "a person is a person only when he is with people" (translated from the African language Zulu - Umuntu Ngumuntu Ngabantu).
"Why don't you register on a dating site?"; “Are your requirements too high?”; “If I were you, I wouldn’t call back right away - let him suffer a little.” For those of us who do not have a couple, conflicting advice from caring relatives, girlfriends and glossy magazines is pouring in from all sides ...
But it makes no sense to follow stereotypes, trying to disassemble love and life together into components. Lonely people will have to understand what fears they have unconsciously built walls that fence them off from the world. To forget about the norms and views from the outside, to accept your true desire - only this will help to rediscover the great unexpectedness of love.
In itself, the position of an unmarried woman is not a problem. But, unfortunately, in the public mind there is still a single model of a married couple: a man and a woman living under the same roof. Those who are not married have always been perceived as somewhat flawed: unmarried means a loser. This creates an agonizing feeling of guilt.
Instead of rethinking the “standards” that are being offered to us, loners begin to ask themselves, “What is wrong with me?” When a woman manages to start a family, it seems that everyone around just thinks: “Finally! Now that she has received love, her future is assured.”
Celibacy becomes a problem because stereotypes weigh on us. To resist such pressure, extraordinary resilience is needed. We become prisoners of two fatal delusions. And we impose one of them on ourselves: we are alone, because we have a bad character, because we cannot make a choice, we do not know how to adapt. And another thing is actively instilled in us from the outside: love supposedly obeys unshakable rules that must be observed, because otherwise nothing will work!
We are told from all sides: “Love lives for three years”, “No sex on the first date!”, “First impressions are always deceptive.” As long as we take these common truths critically, like astrological forecasts in magazines, everything is in order. But if we start obsessing over them, our chances of meeting the right person drop.
Elena, 43, financial director: “My independence is very important to me”
“I left my second husband with the firm conviction that I would never marry again. Fifteen years have passed since then. During this time, the children grew up, and it developed with a career - I became the financial director of a construction company. I have an extremely busy life. Not easy, but there is not even the slightest sign of a routine in it. I am comfortable. I never regretted that I gave birth to children, that I left a wealthy husband who does not recognize my freedom, I never wanted to complain about how hard it is to arrange life with two children ... My independence is very important to me, and I don’t want to lose it. I am active and self-sufficient. And that stresses men. They are embarrassed by my directness, swiftness and readiness to always make decisions on my own. I know about it, but I have to be accepted for who I am. You can’t change anything: I’m used to the fact that I don’t have to adapt to anyone, look around, give in ... I have a bright and meaningful life, and thoughts about me do not visit. Especially now, when work takes so much strength and energy that you often want silence. In some ways I am absolutely happy, in some ways not very much, sometimes I want to lean on someone and relax. But I am too exacting and strict, and you have to be soft with men ... Of course, sometimes I bite my tongue, otherwise I would probably not be able to exist in any relationship at all. But I'm definitely not ready to do this once and for all. Perhaps the man for whom I will stop biting, we have not yet met.
Indeed, these prescriptions go against the very nature of love, which has nothing to do with control, prudence and prescriptions: “you have to”, “you have to”. Love appeals to our emotions, to the unconscious, and besides, it does not obey any general laws. Every love story is as unique as every person. And universal recipes drown out our inner voice.
The stranger with whom life has brought us together will no longer be able to surprise us, since his behavior is predetermined. And if there is no place for surprise, there is no place for love. Love in general causes us anxiety, unsettles us. And ready-made solutions are so seductive! They are like a key that allows you to bring order and clarity to this vague area. They hide our weaknesses and justify mistakes: “Since I scrupulously followed all the rules, but the relationship still didn’t work out, it means that the other is to blame.”
Finally, they help us get away from the most important question: what do I really want? Do I really like him? I am 35 years old, I would like to start a family. Do I want it? Making your own choices, studying and accepting your desires can be very difficult and uncomfortable, because you have to invent yourself. And although stereotypes limit our freedom, they calm and free us from choice and reflection, so getting rid of them can be difficult.
To understand yourself, for a start it would be good to stop perceiving them uncritically. At the moment when we say to ourselves: “I am alone, because all men are scoundrels”, “I am alone, because all women strive to sit on their necks,” it is time to ask ourselves the question: are they all like that? And we will definitely find in our environment a few refuting examples. In addition, it would be nice to think about what exactly we mean by “meanness”, what it meant in our personal history.
Tatyana, 40, designer, photographer: “There was something unacceptable to me in this relationship”
To doubt is to make a hole in our prejudices through which we can regain our ability to be surprised. This means that space for love will also be freed up. Having moved away from the prejudices imposed by society, we find ourselves alone with ourselves. And then you have to deal with your own clamps, so that later you can get rid of them. But unlike universal recipes, here the answer is not known in advance.
Some of us have a personality built around a lack of love, and then we wait for the other to fill that void within us. We feel not just a desire, but an irresistible need: there is no talk of another, so the chances that our expectations from the meeting will be fulfilled are extremely small.
Others know how unhappy their parents were in family life, and are afraid to repeat their fate. Still others prefer not to start a relationship, because they are afraid not to survive the end of love. There are those who are afraid of losing part of themselves in love.
Nobody wants to live without love. But some prefer the pain of loneliness to the vicissitudes of love
Love always makes us think: are we who we think we are? In a loved one, we see a different reflection of ourselves, which we often do not recognize. Sometimes it is safer to live with a false image of yourself, just not to know the real you. Whatever the nature of these fears, the mental mechanism is always the same: the instinct to preserve what is, wins over the drive to life and development.
We prefer loneliness to risk because internal barriers or universal norms protect us. No one wants to live alone and without love. But some of us prefer the suffering of loneliness to the vicissitudes of love. Ultimately, we can find inner balance outside of marriage - a single life brings us indirect benefits that we often do not realize.
But there comes a day when the cost of peace is too great. Another failure, another gap - and the scales will swing: the desire to love and be loved will prevail over our fears. But it will be a real desire - our own, one and only, in which there is neither a desire nor a need to conform to the norm. We will finally agree to give and give, to invest a part of ourselves in the relationship. That's the only way to get something in return.
Rimma, 45, pharmacist: “I depended too much on the opinion of my parents”
“I have never been married, although all my life it seemed to me that the main purpose of a woman is home, family, children ... Apparently, the fact is that I have always been very dependent on my parents and their opinions. At first they told me that I needed to get an education, and only then think about marriage. And when grooms appeared on the horizon, neither mother nor father categorically liked them. I can’t say that my parents openly forbade me something, but I always felt their cold, jealous attitude towards my choice. To be honest, it never really bothered me. It was even convenient to live with my parents - habitually, predictably. I didn’t feel hurt, lonely, or a recluse… Only, perhaps, I regretted that I never became a mother. My attitude to life changed five years ago when my father died. I grieved a lot, I was simply destroyed by guilt for not being able to give him more warmth and my love. Trying to help, a friend invited me to a psychological training. After him, I realized that I was living some kind of far-fetched life ... I have changed a lot since then, I have taken a different, more conscious look at life, my own parents, men and people in general ... Today I am comfortable with myself. But I’m much more ready for a long-term relationship, although I know that it will not be easy for my partner: I’m used to being alone, I like to do everything and decide for myself. However, I am ready to seek compromises. And I try to understand and respect men.”
What should we do to make this happen? Just wait for insight or go to a psychotherapist? I would say this: let go. Reflecting on yourself, opening up to another person is an active process, and it can be difficult to endure these changes alone. If the pain and suffering are strong, then contacting a psychotherapist can alleviate them.
He will not dispel fears with a wave of his hand, but will help to get along with them. Psychoanalysis paradoxically leads not to knowledge, but to ignorance. Letting go of prejudice means admitting that we don't know anything for sure. In the face of the complexities of love, its elusive secret, it is better to say to yourself: “Since no one understands love anyway, boldly go ahead!” And then you can fall in love like a child - freely, limitlessly, forgetting about everything in the world.
About the expert
Psychoanalyst, couples specialist, writer, co-author of All with Her... and Still Single (Albin Michel, 2009).
Ecology of life: Why are more and more people choosing loneliness as a lifestyle? Does seclusion release you from obligations? How do singles change society itself? What does loneliness mean today and why is it no longer a shame to live alone? We get acquainted with the book “Life solo. The New Social Reality” by New York University PhD Eric Kleinenberg and explore the unique realities of the 21st century.
Why more and more people are choosing loneliness as a lifestyle
Why are more and more people choosing loneliness as a lifestyle? Does seclusion release you from obligations? How do singles change society itself? What does loneliness mean today and why is it no longer a shame to live alone? We get acquainted with the book “Life solo. The New Social Reality” by New York University PhD Eric Kleinenberg and explore the unique realities of the 21st century.
Even 50 years ago, choosing to live alone was associated with something marginal and unnatural.. Practically from birth, everyone received the mindset that living alone is not only strange and condemnable, but also dangerous. Exaggeratedly, this idea appeared in the dystopian film The Lobster (2015), according to the plot of which loners were prosecuted by law, and everyone who wanted, but did not find a mate, was turned into an animal and released into the forest.
Indeed, even some 100 years ago, the inability to get married was considered a real grief, and tens of thousands of years before that, punishment in the form of expulsion from the community was often perceived as a measure much more terrible than the death penalty.
Today, more and more people are consciously going into free swimming.- refuses marriage, lives and even travels alone. For example, in 1950, only 22% of Americans lived alone, today more than 50% of US citizens choose to live solo.
How can one explain the rapid abolition of the set of traditions and rules previously honored throughout the world? Kleinenberg argues that at least four factors have contributed to the transformation of modern society: the emancipation of women, social networks, changing urban spaces, and increased life expectancy.
Indeed, for the first time in history, modern realities are such that each individual is a full-fledged cog in the economy, thanks to which a huge number of offers for bachelors appeared on the housing market. Women's emancipation allows you to make decisions about marriage and having children without a threat to your future, and an increase life expectancy leads to the fact that one of the spouses inevitably outlives the second and is not always ready to connect his life with a new person.
Thus, loneliness today takes on a completely different meaning than it did 50 or 60 years ago. Now the right to live solo is a deeply personal and completely adequate decision, which is resorted to by millions of people on the planet.
However, despite the fact that physically secluded life has become accessible, there are still many stereotypes around loners. You need to understand that today solo life does not mean complete isolation.. Thanks to the Internet and the opportunity to work from home, singles are immersed in an active social life. What's more, studies show that most single people have more fulfilling lives than their married counterparts. First of all, this is due to the fact that the new way of life is a choice in favor of healthy selfishness, that is, time intended for oneself.
“Masses of people decided on this social experiment because, in their view, such a life corresponds to the key values of modernity - individual freedom, personal control and the desire for self-realization, that is, values that are important and dear to many from adolescence. Living alone gives us the opportunity to do what we want, when we want it and on the terms we set ourselves.”
This common position today comes into conflict with the traditional model of behavior. At the same time, it is known that those who marry or have children just because “it’s necessary”, without too much reflection, often condemn those who choose a life “without obligations”, regardless of their personal level of happiness. Meanwhile, sociological observations show:
“... people who have never been married are not only no less happy than those who are married, but also feel much happier and less lonely than those who have divorced or lost a spouse .... All those who have divorced or separated from their spouse will testify that there is no lonelier life than living with a person you do not love.
Friends and relatives of singles are often worried and want to find their soul mate as soon as possible, get a job in the office, or see their loved ones more often. In fact, those loners for whom solitude is a personal choice are not outsiders and do not suffer. From the point of view of psychology, the one who is not bored with himself is a whole person, not prone to destructive codependency. Kleinenberg notes:
“In fact, the increase in the number of people living alone has nothing to do with whether Americans feel lonely or not. There are many studies open to the public that prove that the feeling of loneliness depends on the quality, not the quantity, of social contacts. What is important here is not the fact that a person lives alone, it is important whether he feels lonely.
In addition, it is quite obvious that today we are forced to spin in a frenzied flow of information. Messages and notifications on social networks are mixed with phone calls and news on TV, turning our everyday life into an information meat grinder. Perhaps the conscious appeal to solitude is also associated with the desire to take a break from external noise..
Recent studies cited in Kleinenberg's work suggest that most modern loners lead an active social life. Many of them have jobs, friends and lovers, and some even get married. Where is the loneliness here? The new social reality allows you to simultaneously have any kind of relationship and engage in yourself on your own territory. So, married couples who need personal space prefer to live separately, meeting, for example, on Sundays.
This approach to relationships often causes misunderstanding and even condemnation - a change in stereotyped behavior rarely causes acceptance by the majority. Also, many accuse loners of egocentrism, high self-esteem and indifferent attitude towards people. It must be understood that most often such attacks arise from those who lead a less eventful social life, have more free time and are prone to psychological dependence. Modern loners are ready to maintain social contacts, however strictly select friends. Their external isolation (the desire to live alone) does not mean that they do not need people, or that they do not know how to love. Besides, those who have chosen a solo life understand that the number of friends and acquaintances does not guarantee inner comfort.
Also, many believe that singles do not face problems, as they are deprived of any obligations, which is also not true. Living solo as a lifestyle is a completely new phenomenon, the scale of which the world was not ready for. That is why today singles face many problems.
Some employers are not ready to hire an unmarried person, suspecting him of irresponsibility. In this case, singles are forced to fight against stereotypes. Travel lovers note that the price of a tour or a hotel room per person is much higher than the cost of a vacation for couples or companies. That is why entire societies for the protection of the rights of lonely people have appeared today. It is obvious that in the near future it is possible to develop a business whose target audience will be single people.
Now, despite the global growth of households of just one person, conscious loneliness causes misunderstanding and accusation of infantilism. However, psychologists and psychiatrists note that the ability to live alone is a necessary quality that many cannot learn in their entire lives.
It is known that everyone needs to be alone from time to time in order to understand their place in the reality surrounding them. Moreover, a high percentage of singles can afford to spend a lot of time on self-realization. It is no coincidence that most often this way of life is chosen by representatives of the so-called creative class.
Eric Kleinenberg published his research just two years ago. In it, he declares a "large-scale social experiment" in which the whole world participates. It is interesting that today, after 24 months, the phenomenon of solo life has become much more familiar, which means that soon we will be able to talk not only about the experiment, but also about a really new social reality.published
