We meet, fall in love and start dreaming about happy family and about the child. As a rule, at first everything is beautiful, but why does it so often happen that a marriage remains “civil”, a loved one runs away only after learning about pregnancy or shortly after the birth of a child, or does not run away, but starts drinking, being rude or cheating?

It seems that he deceived you - he pretended to be a "prince", and then the ugly truth was revealed - he turned out to be a "monster". And it's even worse when the thought creeps in that you ruined a beautiful guy, you bitch! We have already spoken about the validity of this thought in the article about the ideal wife. And now about how not to get into such a situation, by what signs to determine that our chosen one is far from ideal, but not at all suitable for creating a family.

As a rule, the collapse of our bright hopes can be predicted in advance, no matter how a man “pretends” at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, no one pretends - it's just that a person reveals himself from the best side when he falls in love, and we also tend to unconsciously demonstrate qualities that are directly opposite to shortcomings. If you are more attentive and analyze, you can see the real character of a man, which will manifest itself in the future.

A man with whom it is impossible to build a normal, happy family, gives himself away in the first few months of dating. So no one is deceiving anyone, you just need to look and listen more carefully. Ask him about everything, start a conversation about the past - and delve into it. He will enjoy your attention, and you will have the opportunity to draw conclusions. If you find clear signs of one of the following types of men in your chosen one, then you should think carefully about whether you want such “happiness” for yourself, discarding the hope that you will be able to change him and not trust his self-promotion and promises.

Signs that should alert you in a man:

Below you will find signs of men with whom nothing good will work, which can be seen at the very beginning of a relationship. These wake-up calls don't always sound loud, so be careful - "the devil is in the details"...

1. Signs of a windy romantic

You didn’t have time to get to know each other, but he already confesses his love and makes an offer? Romantic! But think for yourself: a person who understands what a family is and responsibility for a family, that relationships need to be built and it’s not easy, will it be so frivolous to propose to a practically unfamiliar girl under the influence of sudden charm?

Even if he does not turn out to be some kind of fraudster, then most likely, at the slightest difficulty, he will just as easily give up his intentions, and in general he hardly imagines what a serious relationship is, twisted in romantic dreams. He is not ready to deal with difficulties. Such men usually easily make many promises and take on many obligations, trying to impress and assure of their reliability. Do not be deceived, really reliable people very rarely make promises, carefully weighing first whether they can really fulfill them, and more often they do not promise, but do.

2. Signs of an alcoholic - he is a gamer or some other drug addict

It's not about him having a bottle of beer after work or sometimes playing a game of "shooter", but about dependencies with all the consequences. People of a certain psychological type have a tendency to drug addiction, with which it is unrealistic to build a normal family. Such a person prefers to get away from problems instead of solving them, and is also fundamentally not responsible for his actions.

In the candy-bouquet period, you may simply not know that he likes to drink or hangs in games for days. How to define such a tendency? Pretty simple - listen to him talk, talk about something. If, speaking about what happened to him and what he did, a person often talks about himself in the third person or uses impersonal turns of speech, such as: “It so happened”, “I was brought”, “I was forced”, “I was not lucky”, that is, he always finds the reason for what happens to him and what he does not in himself, but in something or someone else, you can be sure that you have a future (or already real) alcoholic, but at least , an infantile person to be coddled with.

Famous psychotherapist M. Litvak gives examples alcoholic love confessions: "I can't live without you!" “You are my only chance for happiness!”, “Only you will make me happy!” Notice? - a person immediately recognizes the dependence of his happiness and even life on someone else - in this case, on you. Maybe it flatters, but do not flatter yourself - then you will be "guilty" of his misfortune and the fact that he drinks or plays.

Remember: if you are the reason a man refuses any bad habit, you will also be the reason he returns to it!

3. Signs of a Chronic Loser

Captivating words: Only you understand me! He complains about life, about some circumstances, bad luck, about parents, friends, exes, that no one understands him ... He scolds the government, bosses, neighbor - the eternal victim of circumstances. You got a loser. And no matter how much you nurse him, he will remain with him.

This is his position in life, which is beneficial to him for some reason. For example, it frees him from the need to do something and allows himself to forgive a lot. He's so unhappy!- what will you take from him? Do not even hope that after you take pity on him, support and solve some of his problems - he will perk up and develop vigorous activity, as he promises you. He will find a reason to suffer, rest assured!

If you think that in return he will also understand you and solve your problems, then here you will be disappointed - his sensitivity extends only to him, his beloved. A person who understands others will not complain about misunderstanding. The reaction to your expectation from him of some kind of contribution to the family will be scandals and accusations, and also the search for someone who will “understand” him in his complaints about your “bitchiness”.

4. Signs of a misogynist

Listen to what and how he says about his exes. If a man speaks rudely and evilly about the women with whom he had relationships, if he proudly says that “Then I told her:“ Fuck you ..., such and such! ”, Then we can conclude how it applies to women in general. This also includes saying things like: “All women are fools (or worse)!”

It is obvious that someone who does not respect women in principle, considers them "second-class" and is able to be rude to them, will eventually treat you the same way, no matter how much he assures you that you are special and don't care about those "goats". similar. Naturally, you can immediately say goodbye to a man if he let slip about how he hit (pushed, threatened, and thus put in place) one of your exes if you don't want to walk around with bruises.

5. Signs of boor

Ham is a person who is not able to respect others - their interests, opinions, personal space. Such a person always does not respect himself - and this is not cured, it will not work to force a boor to respect you personally. Worse, rudeness over the course of life will turn into outright rudeness, up to the use of force, especially with children. During the period of courtship, he can be gallant and helpful, but this courtesy is memorized, and not born of sincere attention - he will still betray himself in small things.

Beware if a man: is late without warning, “forgets” your requests and warnings, does not look after his appearance, stretches his arms and climbs to kiss when you don’t feel like it, laughing overcoming your weak resistance - such a man is often convinced that female "no" is "yes"- and acts in accordance with this "truth".

But the easiest way to recognize a boor in relationships with other people. If he throws dust in your eyes, then he will not stand on ceremony with others. See how he behaves with taxi drivers, waiters, in line, how he talks with his friends, and especially with those with whom he is in conflict. It is in conflict that boor manifests itself in all its glory! A person who respects himself and others will never cross certain boundaries - he will not insult, humiliate, be rude ... The boor keeps himself within the framework only while everything is fine, and when circumstances force him.

6. Signs of a domestic tyrant

Does your chosen one like to talk about “a woman should”? He speaks: "I need a woman such and such - and you are just the right fit"? It’s too obvious that such a person is not capable of building relationships - he needs a servant and a cook, he needs to command someone ... Perhaps he will even do what a man “should” do, but he is not interested in you or your feelings and interests. And will not be interested. Are you ready for this?

It happens that at first the tyrant disguises himself - he emphatically respects your freedom and choice, and at the same time avoids expressing his desires and preferences. This should be a concern. If a person really respects the other, he assumes the same respect for himself in him - he will not only ask about your desires, but also voice his own in order to come to a mutual agreement.

If, when it is necessary to decide something together, he often says: “As you say!”, “Everything is for you”, then most likely he does not believe in the possibility that it is possible to agree on taking into account the interests of both. He has an "either-or" - "win-lose" scheme. Sooner or later, the poles will change - and you will need "everything for him" - he will try to "win" at your expense. Read more about the signs of a tyrant in the article "The head of the family or a domestic tyrant - signs of illness." For more information on how a domestic tyrant behaves at the beginning of a relationship, it is better to look at examples - in real stories from the lives of women.

7. Signs of an eternal bachelor

Is your chosen one the "soul of the company"? These men are very attractive - they have charm, a sense of humor, etc. They have many friends and many ideas for how to have fun. There is nothing wrong with the fact that a person knows how to relax. It's bad - when he lives only for the sake of entertainment and communication with friends. He is not interested in work, career growth, study ...

What is he telling you about? What is he proud of? If all conversations are built around entertainment, friends and hobbies, and he does not have any business plans and family plans, this is a very bad sign. Such a man is very jealous of his "freedom". He may be carried away by you, but he will still keep you at a distance, and you yourself will see that relationships with you in his life take ... - eleventh place. You may be able to marry him, promising that you will not mind his friends and hobbies. But do you need it?

You will have to have fun with him and take in his friends, which can be a lot of fun until the kids come along. Family is not entertainment, it will be boring and hard for him, and he will always strive to run away to friends while you flop around with a child in your arms, solving all the problems yourself. And even if you manage not to let him go out of the house - so he will still find something to have fun, will hang on social networks - and you won’t get through ... Even if he doesn’t run away from the “bonds of marriage”, you will still actually be alone with a living husband.

8. Signs of a womanizer

How often does a family break up because of a husband's infidelity! But the womanizer is also easy to recognize. "You are the most beautiful of all the girls I have met!"- such a recognition betrays his passion for "collecting" girls. A womanizer is popular with women, he knows how to beautifully, “professionally” look after, while deep down he has a low opinion of women, he believes that anyone can be seduced.

He wants wins, not relationships. And after defeating you, he will get bored. And if you hear reasoning from the series: "All men are polygamous" and “We change only with the body - and this does not mean anything, the main thing is not with the soul”- then everything is clear with him: he will not miss the chance to “change the body”. Unreasonable jealousy can become an unpleasant surprise from such a man - after all, it is natural for a person to judge by himself.

9. Signs of a jealous person

The fact that he is jealous of you for every pillar may at first seem like evidence of his love, but it is not. In fact, it speaks of his deep self-doubt. But something else is worse - a jealous man does not trust a woman and does not respect her. He does not consider her a person capable of choosing and being true to her choice. It is impossible to build a normal relationship without trust, you know, not to mention the fact that a jealous person is simply dangerous.

How not to make a mistake in a man?

Many negative signs are interconnected and follow one from the other, that is, they can be combined in one person. Jonah often happens alcoholic. Misogynist even more often home tyrant. The ideology of the latter type is well described in the book “Woman. Textbook for men. Looking through this book, you will unmistakably recognize a fairly common category of men with whom it will not be possible to create a happy family - adherents of this teaching.

So she wrote and she herself was frightened - somehow everything turns out hopelessly ... Do normal, worthy men even meet? Do not consider me a man-hater - I just want to warn women against naivety. Of course, worthy men meet - and not infrequently! Even some of the above signs may not be a diagnosis. It is necessary to take into account the age and family in which the man grew up.

For example, sociability at the age of 16-20 does not necessarily mean that a young man will live for the sake of entertainment - these are just features of age. Deliberate rudeness can be just bravado, a clumsy display of "masculinity", which will also pass. Drinking alcohol and playing games does not necessarily indicate a tendency to alcoholism, but may simply be a tribute to the company - it is not the fact of drinking that is important here, but the personality and the degree of involvement. Let's talk about alcoholism subscribe to updates… Look at the person as a whole.

Be sure to ask him about his father and get to know him. If he grew up without a father, by the way, then there is a chance that he will be a good husband and father: if he has a good relationship with his mother, such boys understood their mother well, and, accordingly, they understand women (which is rare), and having suffered without dads are unlikely to abandon their child.

But if a boy grew up with an unworthy father, then the probability that he will reproduce his model of family relations and life position is almost 100%, no matter how much he says that he does not understand and condemns his father's behavior. And vice versa - if his father is a worthy and decent person and his mother is happy with him, then in this case there is hope that some negative signs that you notice in a man will disappear without a trace in family life.

If you find obvious signs of the above types in the chosen one, and especially several at once, then run - you should not hope for changes. Your personal life is unsuccessful all the time, and you only come across the heroes of this article, so you don’t even believe that there are others? Do you all hope to heal them with your love, or do you just humbly endure, considering this a woman's lot? Then the problem is in yourself, but it is “treated” - I recommend that you read the book “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood. Good luck in your personal life!

When you start talking about yourself, then. And it's not just your problem. There are very few people who know how to present themselves to an unfamiliar public. Most either say nothing at all, or say a lot of superfluous things. Therefore, we decided to write a small guide on what exactly you can and should say to a person you just met. We say right away that you will have to balance between absolute secrecy and absolute openness. It will not be easy, like everything right in our life.

Rule #1: Use symmetry tactics

This is a fundamental rule that tells you that even in the field of conversations, you must adhere to the principle of mutual benefit. In other words, you should talk about yourself with exactly the same intensity and speed as your interlocutor talks about himself. In this case, you will not lose anything, and trust in each other will be based on reciprocity.

Rule #2: Take your information to the next level

Any conversation begins with things that lie on the surface. There is no person who wants to look deep into you (allegory, buddy, allegorical!) immediately after the greeting. Everything that is a set of rituals of social life. Unfortunately, many people do not go beyond the cliché, which is why they lose the opportunity to appear before the interlocutor in the best light.

How to go beyond the cliché? Only successive transitions to new levels of conversation, and they, in turn, include:

Facts. This is basic information that answers a number of standard questions: where are you from, where do you work, where do you live, why did you come?

Feelings. Feelings are a higher category of self-disclosure, and therefore you cannot share them with every person, otherwise you will look stupid. However, you can always give an emotional coloring to your opinion so that the interlocutor knows how you feel about certain things. It is important to understand here that true feelings should not be shown to everyone - they must be saved for the closest people, so they are valuable. Therefore, if you lost the girl you loved, then be a man - keep it inside, and do not whine to all your friends - this greatly diminishes you in the eyes of others.

Rule #3: Be a Positive Leader

When talking about yourself, it is important to minimize negative information. Try to forget about depression, breakups, financial problems, health problems when you communicate with a stranger who should not know about your weaknesses and misfortunes at all.

Instead, focus on the positives. People like to be told nice things or kind information. There are, of course, those who live in a swamp of negativity, but you yourself do not want to communicate with such people.

Rule #4: Be careful with comments and questions

Everywhere you need to adhere to common sense and the golden mean. We know that in a conversation it is important not only to talk about yourself, but also to be interested in the lives of others, ask questions or make some clarifying comments so that the conversation is lively and moving, and not boring.

If you constantly ask questions, then you show that you are afraid to reveal too much information about yourself, in other words, you act incorrectly towards a stranger.

He will think that you are hiding something, although perhaps you are just guided by the common advice "ask more questions."

However, in any conversation where you talk about yourself, everything is easy to put in its place. Just treat the presentation of information like ping pong, and this will make the conversation itself easier and much more useful. It will be useful to ask yourself a question after the conversation: “Do I know about as much about a person as he knows about me?”. If your answer is yes, then you have done a great job. If negative, then you probably left an unpleasant impression by saying too much or too little.

Sourced from Brett and Kate McKay

You never really know anything about them. Well, at best, in general terms - where a person lives, what he works for ... You will learn about marital status, changes in status, and departure abroad by chance. If you know at all. Such people can communicate with you for a long time, but at the same time tell almost nothing about themselves. What makes them do so?

I have a friend with whom we have been in contact for ten years. True, mostly remotely. During this time, we discussed many topics, from politics to literature, but information about the life of Victor himself has to be pulled out literally with ticks. Only recently I found out that he lost his parents early, and even his personal life is a taboo ... I still don’t know for sure whether he was married and with whom he lives now ... It’s worth asking an “uncomfortable” question, how Victor turns off the conversation or translates him on another topic, or even irritably informs him that he "does not want to talk about it." At the same time, he knows everything about me - with whom I live, with whom I meet ...

Once I was told a story about a woman who hid from her friends that. They found out about this already “after the fact” and were very offended by her ...

However, not everyone is inclined to spread about the upcoming changes in marital status. I had a school friend, quite close. In any case, we communicated more or less regularly. Somehow, a few years after graduation, I called her and found out that she was married. And before that, there were no hints that she was dating someone ... Some time passed - and she told me that she had given birth to a child. But we met during her pregnancy, and she didn’t say a word! I also learned about her divorce from strangers ...

Another friend at first devoted everyone to the ups and downs of her relationship with men. As a result, she was already preparing for the wedding, when suddenly everything ended abruptly. It turned out that three weeks before the wedding there was a quarrel, Masha offered the groom to live separately, he went to his parents and ... did not return.

A few years later, Masha left for permanent residence abroad. Once on Skype, she mentioned that a friend should come to her. I didn't even know she met someone there. Then Maria reported on LiveJournal that they had moved in together. And four months later - that they got married ... Masha told that she was expecting a child only three months before his birth. Note: all this time we have been actively communicating with her via Skype!

And still - what is the reason for the secrecy?

Most often, people hide the circumstances of their lives, because they do not want to be discussed. Not everyone is pleased when their bones are washed, even at a distance. In addition, a person who has information about you often has the opportunity to harm you, interfere with the execution of your plans.

Many are also afraid to talk about their ideas for the future, "so as not to jinx it." For example, about, as a rule, they do not tell until half the term. They do not always share information about the upcoming marriage, as the wedding can easily be upset, as happened with my girlfriend. Not everyone talks about changes in their personal lives, about the fact that they started dating someone.

It is not recommended to talk about plans related to work or business. they are afraid that they will be envied or wished for evil, and thus "spoil". There are those who consider the proverb "Zagad is never rich" to be fair.

I judge by myself: every time I imagined in all the details a new job, project or relationship with some man, I was in for a bummer ... Parapsychologists believe that by "living" the desired situation, we kind of "realize" it at a subtle level, and this option is "closed". Therefore, it is useful in a sense to live for today - in any case, do not treat your plans too emotionally, do not “guess” for the future, but adapt to the present situation.

However, there is another reason why people. They do not trust you because they do not know how you will use the information received. One and the same person can be quite frank with some, and keep closed with others, even if they seem to be connected by friendship ... But most often such an individual does not frank with anyone. This is usually the behavior of those who have already burned themselves once, told someone the whole "underground" and got a bad result.

Is it worth it to be offended by secretive people? Looking in what situations. If this is a friend who is afraid that you will "spoil" her personal happiness, this is one thing. But if you meet a man and don’t even know his last name (as was the case with one of my acquaintances), and he is silent, like a partisan, about his past and marital status, then this is a reason to be wary. It is possible that he has something to hide. So feel free to ask questions. Avoid answer? Better look elsewhere!

Or he answers, but the conversation does not last more than a minute. And he can also disappear from the access zone for the whole day, call late in the evening and not even explain the reason for his silence. Of course, you might think that your new boyfriend is a secret agent, but it's unlikely. And if you persistently find out the reason why he didn’t get in touch for so long, you will get a killer portion of lies about urgent matters and trips to your mother’s country house to change the light bulb in the toilet.

Your plans keep falling apart

That is, he never knows how his week will turn out. Making plans with such a man is dooming yourself to Hachiko syndrome and constantly being on alert to go to visit, but at the last moment he will have an emergency, and he will fly away for a few days in the company of colleagues to a meeting somewhere in Turkey.

He is aggressive towards others.

The guy seems very nice and friendly, but he is constantly faced with universal injustice - either the waiter in the cafe was rude to him, for which he received "in the scoreboard", then a random passer-by touched him and heard a lot of new things addressed to him. Think about it, because you are always surrounded by the same people, but for some reason it is he who is at the epicenter of all conflicts. He's just mean to everyone but you. But this is for the time being, when you do something wrong.

He doesn't say anything about himself.

More precisely, he does not tell anything that really worries him. You've been together for a long time, but you still don't know exactly what he does for a living, what he enjoys and what he strives for. And if you ask "extra" questions, you will get evasive answers, from which it will not be clear what kind of bird this guy is.

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He has his own meeting schedule.

And the amazing thing is that he meets you at the strangest time - late in the evening or very early in the morning. And in everything, of course, his work, his mother or a small dog that needs to be walked is to blame. By the way, you are also unfamiliar with his mother and dog and you can’t even imagine what they look like.

Superficial interest in you

You love to tell him about your childhood, and he interrupts you with questions about the color of your underwear. And he seems to be interested in you, but all his questions revolve around sex and your appearance, overlooking your well-being, interests and desires. He does not even remember if you have brothers and sisters, what is the name of your mother and constantly confuses your birthday. If a guy does not want to know anything about you, there is only one conclusion: he does not value his relationship with you. Run away from him and forget.

He avoids eye contact

And even during an intimate dialogue, he examines the pattern on the wallpaper, and does not look into your eyes. When you meet, his thoughts and gaze are somewhere far away from you, throwing the consciousness of this guy somewhere to the side. And as a rule, in the direction where other girls pass.

He is always worse off than you.

When you talk about a terrible boss who once again did not hear your brilliant ideas, the guy is in no hurry to support and listen to you, but only mumbles: “Come on, everything is much more serious with me.” And you feel that your problems cannot be compared with his circumstances of life, full of drama and disappointment. And although he foams at the mouth to prove to you that his difficulties are much worse than yours, he never goes into details.

He keeps you on a short leash

Once again, when you decide to end these underrelationships "once and for all", he begins to fill in the sweet songs of the nightingale that now everything will be different. No words of love, only the belief that you are taking the wrong step in trying to get rid of his presence in your life. In fact, you are doing everything right, he just doesn’t want to be among the abandoned ones. But when he gets bored with this story or he finds a new victim for himself, the guy will immediately tell you that your union has no prospects. Cruel? For him, it's just "honest".

“I know”, “I understand”, “I can”, “I think”, “I think”, “I'm sure” - we say all these simple phrases every day, sometimes without thinking how much they really mean. deed. Too much use of the pronoun "I" is the first step towards egocentrism. With our “I”, we are trying to establish ourselves in a world where you can easily get lost in the noise of other voices, however, it is wrong to consider egocentrism (and, as a result, selfishness) as the best way to express yourself.

When we were children, it seemed to us that we were the center of the universe. Everyone around was talking only about us, and as soon as we said the magic “I am here”, the heads of all the adults in the same room with us turned in our direction. Childhood is over, but most of us have the feeling that we are the most important thing that could happen to our planet. Sometimes, we are simply not able to assess on our own how often the pronoun “I” slips in our speech, however, it turns out that we should pay close attention to this.

Take care of your reputation

The truth is that no one wants to hear too much about you. And this happens not at all because of general anger or indifference, not at all. This is just an attempt to protect yourself from the flow of completely unnecessary information. No matter how depressing it may sound, no one is interested in knowing everything about you, and even a little less than everything. Perhaps the most grateful listeners are your parents, who are ready to endure your endless monologue with the stamina of a soldier, not considering it a sign of selfishness. On this, however, the circle of grateful listeners is limited. Everyone else needs personal space. As do you, by the way. It's just that yours goes beyond the reasonable, and as a result - a damaged reputation. It is unlikely that anyone would want to contact a person who perceives the world solely as his own addition.

What to do: When meeting, say, work colleagues at the coffee machine in the morning, try to fit the story of a divorce, a sick child, a beloved cat, a trip to the sea, a new dress in one sentence instead of ten, make room for others and you will see - it will fill up very quickly nice people who, believe me, also have something to tell.

Protect yourself

What to do: First, you need to decide for what purpose you are describing this or that episode of your life? Boast of? In this case, instead of an admiring audience, you have every chance of acquiring envious people. Complain? Nobody cares about your failures. Everyone has enough of their own. Start a personal diary, paper, as you know, will withstand everything, so you can write down thoughts that you are simply not able to keep in your notebook indefinitely.

Pay attention to those around you

Our inner world, compared to the world around us, is negligible, no matter how much we read, understood what experience we have behind us. What we have already learned is never enough for us - the need for constant knowledge and learning is ineradicable, which means it's time to go on a big voyage. Pay attention to those around you, believe me, because your friends and colleagues will surely have something to tell you. Just imagine how many opportunities you miss by paying attention only to yourself. Anyone who happens to be near you, for that matter, is a storehouse of useful information, entertaining stories, secrets that you just have to uncover. Look around - it is impossible to remain outside of society.

What to do: Learning to perceive someone else's speech is not as easy as it might seem at first glance, especially if you are used to always being the center of attention. Take a step to the side, and the world will open up to you from a completely unexpected side. By listening to others, you gain much more than you lose.

Learn to enjoy other areas of life

According to psychologists, excessive talkativeness is a kind of addiction. The one who talks about himself gets a very real pleasure not only from what he says, but even from the sound of his own voice. That is, to put it simply, a monologue is a kind of replacement for those pleasures that you lack. Such as sex, delicious food, travel, favorite hobby.

What to do: Pay attention to what is around you, start a romance, start painting, make a movie, start learning a foreign language. That is, direct your energy in a different direction, because often behind the endless chatter we do not see the most important thing - ourselves.