“My child does not hear me”, “I have to repeat everything several times”, “He is distracted from his affairs only when you shout at him” - quite often you can hear complaints of this kind from adults. But, trying to "get through" to the child, parents use "adult" methods that the baby is not yet able to understand. Therefore, in order to be heard, it is necessary to explain everything in a language accessible to the baby. This is where moms and dads run into problems because they can’t find. As a result, someone turns to psychologists for help, someone seeks advice on the forums, someone follows the instructions of the older generation. In this article, we have collected recommendations from child psychologists that will allow parents to communicate with children without screaming and unnecessary nerves.

1. Eye contact

The child is immersed in the game. At the same time, one of the parents asks him to do something. An adult in full confidence that the baby hears him. However, if the child heard something, he did not attach much importance (after all, the game is much more interesting), and continues to go about his business. Then the adult has to repeat again and again, switch to shouting, so that the baby finally “deigns” to be distracted and listen. But all because there was no eye contact between him and the parent. Therefore, first make sure that the child accurately hears and listens to you (look into his eyes, touch him, you can even take his hand), and only then state your desires or instructions. For complete confidence, you can ask the baby to repeat what he was instructed (in this way, he will give, as it were, an instruction to himself, and in this case he will fulfill it much more willingly).

2. All at once

Returning with the child from a walk, the parent turns to him: "Undress, wash your hands and sit down to eat." For an adult, the phrase is quite common, but the kid is at a loss: while he was aware of one order, he was given two more. As a result, he stands in the hallway, not knowing what to do next. And then it begins: “Didn’t you hear?”, “Will you wait a long time?”, “Should I repeat it again?”. Perhaps the child would gladly do everything he was told, but if the tasks were set sequentially, one after another. All instructions given to the baby immediately, in passing, only mislead him. Therefore, it is recommended to break the instruction into several, and give the next one only after the previous one has been completed (“Undress”, “Well done, go wash your hands”, “Okay, now eat”).

3. No ambiguity

“Do you like to wear a soiled jacket?”, “Are you going to walk around the house in dirty shoes for a long time?” - such phrases are clear and understandable to adults, but not to kids. They do not yet know all the intricacies of language and speech, so they perceive similar phrases literally, that is, as an approval, and not as a hint of termination. In order for the child to finish doing something, you need to tell him about it directly, clearly, clearly, without ambiguity. “Change your jacket”, “Take off your dirty shoes” - everything is accurate, without hints.

4. Extra words

“Immediately stop messing around when you eat! Have you forgotten the last time you spilled soup on your pants? Do you want to get dirty again?" Of course, the desire of parents to stop the mischief of the baby is understandable - the consequences are obvious, and this is not the first time it has been repeated. However, the child simply forgets, trying to perceive such a large amount of information, what was originally discussed and what should be done. Therefore, there is no need to remember the past or scare the future - it is much better to evaluate and give advice on the actions that are being taken at the moment. The child lives in the present - it is much easier for him to understand the information relating to a particular situation - and draw conclusions from it.

5. Raised tone

The adult repeats his request several times, but the baby does not respond and continues to go about his business. Parent angry at child's behavior. The stunned kid says that he understood everything, he will do everything and that this will not happen again. In fact, his goal is to stop the cry of the elder and ward off possible punishment from himself. Everything that was said to him, most likely, will remain so in words, because screaming only aggravates the situation: it causes anxiety, fear, which partially block mental activity (remember your state when your boss starts screaming - as if you fall into a stupor, you get lost ). Therefore, the desired result is quite difficult to achieve by raising the voice. In addition, seeing such a reaction, the child can specifically provoke, “bring to emotions”.

6. Time to execute

In the view of an adult, any of his requests must be fulfilled by the child immediately. Only here we forget again that we are not dealing with a peer, but with a baby who needs a little time to start doing it. And just this time for “switching” adults often do not give the child. For example, a baby is rolling down a hill when parents say it's time to go home. An interesting activity for the child will have to be interrupted, but he does not want to do this at all. So he continues to ride until his parents get angry and take him down the hill by force. The result - tears, screaming, spoiled mood. However, if you give the child a little time to do what was said (in this case, you can be allowed to move down the hill a few more times, and then go), everything can be resolved peacefully.

7. Particle "not"

“Don’t run through the puddles!”, “Don’t touch the dog!”, “Don’t eat dirty fruits!” - most of the instructions of adults begin with the particle “not”. However, it is known that the children's brain unconsciously skips it. Therefore, the child is happy to perform a completely reversed call to action. In turn, parents regard this behavior of the baby as done “for evil”, contrary to the words of the elders, and the child sincerely cannot understand what is wrong and why adults scold him. The solution is quite simple: just remove it and rephrase it a bit: “Will you help wash the fruit?”, “Let's go around this big puddle along this narrow curb.” As a result, both the baby is safe and adults are calm.

8. Overprotectiveness

“Don’t go there…”, “Don’t touch it…”, “Don’t run there…”, “Get off immediately…” - overprotection is not uncommon, as parents are afraid for the baby and turn their fear into constant control. Of course, constantly hearing certain instructions, the child eventually simply gets used to them, regarding them as a background. As a result, they all go unnoticed. This does not suit adults, and they are accepted to "teach" the unfortunate baby. In this situation, you can try to begin to control yourself, count how many comments you make to the child in a certain time (per hour, during a walk on the street, per day). Perhaps there are too many of them in the life of a baby. If the fear for him is so great, then it would be better to just be there when the child is active: hold him when he climbs the hill, when he feeds the ducks. This is much better than constantly pulling back.

9. Listen and hear

As you can see, in order to be heard by a child, it is not at all necessary to shout at him, pull him up or repeat several times. It is enough to find the right approach. This, of course, will save both strength, and time, and nerves. And not only adults, but also the baby himself.

Vladimir Manulenko

Ludmila Golovko

Hello, Ekaterina Viktorovna. I have daughters 5.5 years old and 2 years old. Problems with older daughter We have been going to the garden since 1.10. In the kindergarten, she is characterized as a smart, versatile girl with leadership qualities. But the main shortcomings are in a hurry, and hence carelessness, quickly switches attention to foreign objects, the actions of others. She remembers poetry very quickly, sometimes she even composes quatrains herself. Her favorite pastime, in her words, is to perform in front of the audience so that they clap for her. At the same time, she likes everything - drawing, modeling, designing, dancing, singing, those are any occupation. From a conversation with educators, she adequately responds to comments, although at first there were "troubles". When we come home, the situation changes, all my requests are completely ignored, until I raise my voice. I make comments, the same reaction. It seems that the child is doing "for evil." The main thing that annoys me instantly is that she groans for any reason, even when she just talks - she whimpers like a capricious child. In such a conversation, I say that I didn’t understand a word, say it in a normal way, only then she corrects herself. I went to the kindergarten to see a psychologist. She advises me what is written in books, that I have already tried everything. As a result, she gave advice - to choose the two most important problems for me in my daughter's behavior, to pay attention only to them, and to ignore the rest, and most importantly, TO BE TOLERATED. I am trying to do so. I admit that I am a strict mother. But I think that some rules (for example, behavior at the dinner table, respectful attitude towards elders - she “commands” her grandmother and grandfather, but they give in) should be followed by everyone. I explain to her that she is the older sister, the younger takes an example from her. She agrees with me, 10 minutes of "calm" behavior, and then everything over again (you can say "it's on your ears" and does not understand where the line is, although I have explained everything hundreds of times) I thought maybe I was finding fault in vain. Sent for 2 weeks to visit my grandmother (my mother). Two days later, the child got used to it (for the first time she was left without mom and dad in a strange place, we go to visit mom for 1 weekend a month, sometimes at 2 months) and the same problems began, with the same remarks. Mom even admitted that she understands why I quarrel with my daughter (although before that, my mother thought that I was nitpicking in vain). They get along well with their sister. The eldest daughter was looking forward to the appearance of her sister. How to find mutual understanding with a child?

A photo is attached to the question

Hello! Often children do not match the temperament of their parents and parents think that something is wrong with their child. This is one of the possible explanations why you often find fault with your child. You need to try to let the child be the way he really is. As for the main problems, everything comes from upbringing and the framework that you set at home. The child should have clear rules and boundaries of behavior, if they are not followed, punishment follows (deprivation of a favorite pastime, delicious food, communication, etc.). If you promise a punishment, then be sure to fulfill it. Otherwise, the child does not listen to you, because it is easy for him to avoid punishment. All this applies to any person who stays with a child. If a person allows a child to behave the way he wants, then the child will behave that way. He has no internal control, so his behavior is controlled by the person next to him. I recommend that you visit again for a consultation with

Sometimes parents face the following problem: children "as if they do not hear" their parents. More precisely, everything is in order with their hearing, but they do not want to fulfill requests.

And it seems to parents that they repeat and repeat, but there is no sense. How many times can you repeat your requests to your own child? It feels like they either don’t understand you, because you speak Chinese, and the child has not yet learned this language, or they simply don’t “perceive”. Here parents also stand guesses. But don't suffer make sure something can be done you just need to know how.

One explanation for this behavior is that a child at the age of 4 tests the strength of his parents. During this difficult period for the child, he is in opposition to the outside world, engaging in self-affirmation. This is a difficult period not only for parents, but also for the children themselves. Checking parents, children thus set boundaries for what is allowed. Parents in this period of development of the baby should clearly build their positions. When making a request to a child, remember that the child must comply with the request, but this does not require constant conflict.

Beyond just deafness the child may, in response to your requests, “whats up”. Do not rush to get angry with the child, it may just be a game, then you can also play with him and start “pooping” in response to his requests, soon he will get tired of such a game. It also happens that a child asks the same question several times in a row. Then you simply redirect the question to the person who asks it, let him answer it himself. Or maybe your child just did not understand what you are asking him? If you suspect this, ask him to retell what you asked him about.

The child must know what will happen in the next moment, he must have time to digest what is being imposed on him. Let there be a feeling that he is taking part in the decision to do something. You can also not only inform him about upcoming events, but also talk about the pluses of these events, what good will follow.

Remember that children are not yet fully independent, they cannot get up in 15 minutes, wake up and get ready on their own. You don't have to demand everything from them all at once. It's better to get up early and help the baby get ready. Let the level of requirements correspond to the age of the child, a small child can remember and fulfill only a small number of requests at a time.

In addition to the above reasons why the child does not hear you, there may be such as: habit. Yes, he is used to the fact that requests simply fly past his ears. Requests can be direct or indirect. If you are used to speaking indirectly, as if not addressing the subject and giving him a choice, of course, he may not understand that the request referred to him, and also choose the option that is most convenient for him. Therefore, it is worth paying attention to the form in which you make a request.

Repeating the same thing several times is also harmful, especially since the child did not initially pay attention to your words. Then inattention becomes normal behavior, and then do not expect that the child will do what you ask him to do, he will rather pretend that he did not hear you, he forgot.

How can this attitude be prevented?

A simple way from the point of view of psychology: did not - did not receive. But if the child fulfills your request immediately, let him take a walk on the street longer, or let him watch the movie that he has been waiting for so long.

How do you make sure that they listen to you? Well, for starters, you need to talk not to yourself, but to conduct a dialogue. You need the right attitude. The task is to tune in to understanding, and mutual. And you should not start communication with reproaches, because reproaches immediately cause negativism and closeness, then it becomes completely useless to say something, since a person begins to understand everything incorrectly and it becomes impossible to convey something. It must be remembered that it is not a bad person who committed a misconduct, but a bad misconduct, and you need to scold a person not for what he is, but for the fact that he, so good, has committed a bad deed.

Or maybe it’s not worth scolding at all - it’s better give an opportunity to correct what has been done. This will save him from feelings of guilt, and you from claims, will help you remember why you should not do this.

The reason for not paying attention to your words may be that You don't really listen to him.. Yes, I will enter exactly " active listening", and not "passive assent". At "active listening" The child understands his feelings. To sympathize is to feel together, show this feeling when communicating with a child and he will not remain indifferent to you.

How to show empathy-participation:

Get down to your child's eye level.

Think about how to start a conversation. Which question would you be better able to respond to and answer? It must be built in the form of an assertion.

Speak slowly, slowly, pause after your words and the words of the baby. Do not tell the baby that he would constantly look, when talking, only at you, because when the baby looks past, he is thinking about something important.

Help him name the feeling that took possession of him, even if you did not guess it, the child himself will name it.

Sincerity. Your sincere desire to listen and help.

Be interested not only in what the child did, but also in what he felt. That is why many children think that their parents did not sympathize with them, they were not interested in their feelings.

Be attentive and sincere to your children, and they will answer you the same.