It happens when the earth leaves from under the feet from the loss of a loved one: separation, illness, death. A special world has been built with this person. How to live if the world will not be the same? How to ease the heartache, if the relationship dear to the heart is not revived? Maybe be patient and wait?
The bad has already happened. The misfortune happened not in the movies, but in real life. ?
Time heals?
It happens when the earth leaves from under the feet from the loss of a loved one: separation, illness, death. A special world has been built with this person. The heart stores experiences from a joint move to a new apartment, the birth of children or walks in the park. You remember with what expression he rejoices, sad or grumbles. You know how many sugar cubes he likes to add to his tea. And suddenly the usual way is crossed out.
How to live if the world will not be the same? How to appease if the relationship dear to the heart is not revived? Maybe be patient and wait? Training by Yuri Burlan "Systemic Vector Psychology" offers another way - to understand the causes of mental pain and with the help of psychoanalysis.
The word is first aid
Even years after the departure of a loved one, it can be painful to reread the letters addressed to you, in which he shared his innermost experiences. At best, the pain of separation - or betrayal, violence - dulls over the years. But liberation from emotional suffering does not have to wait passively. Just the opposite. For the treatment of pain from a spiritual wound, time is not worth wasting.
First aid for severe mental shock is to speak out.
There is an opinion that when a person has experienced stress, he should be left alone with his feelings and “not reopen the wound.” In fact, to cope with mental pain, you need to immediately start talking with a loved one about what happened. Do not close emotions in yourself, do not hold back tears, do not suppress painful experiences. And do not ignore any painful memory.
If emotional suffering is associated with the fact that a person can no longer be returned, it is advisable to discuss as many happy moments and feelings associated with him as possible. Talk about his achievements and virtues. Such memories will smooth out the bitterness of loss, making room for light sadness.
It is important to speak out as soon as possible after a traumatic event, otherwise negative experiences will be forced into the unconscious. If this happens, it will be more difficult to cope with mental pain later.
It is important to observe safety precautions. Approach with seriousness the choice of a person for a sincere conversation. Make sure that he takes care of your emotions, heartache.
This method can be regarded as first aid, like artificial respiration. When this tool from the psychological "first aid kit" has completed its task, a person needs a resource in order to live on.
How to live on?
People can experience a difficult situation in different ways, and the consequences of loss manifest themselves differently depending on the characteristics of the human psyche.
Emotional suffering
There are people for whom breaking an emotional connection is especially painful. System-vector psychology defines them as representatives.
Emotions are important for people with this type of psyche. In one hour, they can experience the whole gamut of experiences from fear to love. They seek to build emotional ties with people with whom they can exchange hidden feelings or give the warmth of the soul.
The loss of emotional connections makes their soul hurt. Due to unbearable suffering, visual people after an experienced trauma can close, avoid further expression of feelings. This is how they lead themselves into a trap. After all, then they do not fully realize the abilities inherent in nature, which means that they also lose the ability to experience the joy of life to a large extent.
It happens the other way around, when because of emotional pain it is difficult for them to cope with emotions. Hold back your feelings. Sobs roll over, the reality is hardly realized from emotional overexcitation. From such splashes, the hands are shaking, the head is broken. Instead, emptiness and longing come.
Such conditions may be the result of fear. It serves as the starting point of development for all people with a visual vector. Normally, in an adult, the emotion of fear is redirected into empathy, but in situations of severe stress, it happens that the usual response skills are washed away by a wave of a broken dam. Then the root fear of death can be exposed. It is not always realized and can be expressed at the level of psychosomatics, including panic attacks.
Guilt
This state is caused by the peculiarities of the psyche of the anal vector. Friendship and family for such people is sacred. If they are sure that they hurt a loved one, they reproach themselves greatly for it. Self-criticism is fueled by the innate tenacious memory of the anal vector. It firmly fixes the details of the past, even if you don’t want to remember them at all. What if there is no way to fix the past? A person can get stuck in a state of guilt for a long time and not know how to build his life further. The situation will change if you find a way to make amends by caring for those who need it.
Loneliness
Proofreader: Natalia Konovalova
The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»Every person knows this feeling of longing, sadness, despair, when obsessive negative thoughts overcome, and life seems like a hopeless existence, full of fear and hopelessness. To relieve physical suffering, it is enough to take painkillers and then consult a doctor. It is much more difficult to answer the question of how to cope with the pain of the soul, because scientists have not yet invented magic pills that can heal the wounds of the soul.
What is heartache
Mental pain, or suffering, is a severe psycho-emotional state that occurs as a result of the inability to satisfy the most important vital needs of a person. Most often, the strongest emotional experiences come after a loss, whether it be death or parting with a loved one, loss of a job, financial position, social status, or even a loved one. Sometimes the soul hurts because of the inability to get what you want.
Any situation that unsettles, has one or another traumatic effect. Loss can be experienced for years, and forever remain a bleeding heart wound. A person can completely lose the meaning of life, as people say, put an end to himself. This condition can lead to sad consequences - drug, alcohol addiction, prolonged depression and even suicide.
How to deal with emotional pain
Mental trauma leaves terrible traces in the human psyche. Even seemingly minor grievances can cause great harm if they "step on a sore spot": affect the psychological trauma received in childhood, or trigger memories of tragic events that happened earlier. The best advice on how to cope with the pain of the soul that painful memories cause is to heal the trauma you once received. This process is not fast, it requires serious efforts and the help of a professional psychologist.
It is worth learning to treat your mental health with the same attention as your physical health. It is best to start healing mental wounds, as well as bodily ones, as early as possible. If something terrible happened in life, you need to make every effort to survive the grief correctly.
No need to suffer in silence, gritting your teeth. Perhaps in films and novels such heroes look incredibly courageous, but in real life, unexperienced suffering remains a thorn in the soul and continues to boil for the rest of your life, poisoning the soul and body and leading to illness and aggression. Feelings must be extracted from oneself by any means. Give vent to tears, confess to a priest, speak out in a psychologist's office, cry on the shoulder of a friend.
An excellent method of self-help is pysanka. Its essence lies in throwing out all your experiences on paper, reaching the most secret thoughts. Pysanka helps to “give away” the pain, to decompose it into its components, to understand the hidden motives of one’s actions, to understand the most painful issues. Information on how to write Easter eggs correctly can be found on the Internet.
After strong emotions slowly begin to weaken, you need to give yourself nourishment, an opportunity to recover. To do this, you will have to learn how to get rid of the past, start living here and now. There are excellent and very simple techniques that help you focus on the present. To return to the “now”, it is enough to stop the mental flow even for a moment, look around, see how amazing the world around us is, how sweetly the birds sing and how beautiful the sky is at sunset. Such simple exercises help to realize the value of life and show an alternative to depressive states, not allowing them to take over the mind.
The process of recovery is to find in the tragic situation that happened a resource for later life. Properly experienced suffering helps to gain invaluable experience and become a good help for new achievements. Remember, whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
There are simple ways to ease the painful condition and look at life from its good side. If the injury is not deep, it is enough to follow these tips to restore peace of mind. Serious emotional experiences cannot be ignored, they need to be treated with the help of a specialist psychologist. In this case, the advice will be a good support for therapy.
- Take care of yourself. Find new interests and hobbies. Spend more time outdoors, go to nature, walk in the parks. Get enough sleep.
- Take care of your body. A great way to relieve pain is relaxing massage, sauna, spa treatments. In addition to pleasant sensations, these procedures have a beneficial effect on the body, help to relieve tension and relax, and the body, as you know, is closely related to the mental state.
- Go in for sports. During physical activity, endorphins are produced in the body, which are responsible for the body's resistance to stress and disease and improve mood.
- Learn to stop the flow of intrusive thoughts. In this case, meditation, yoga, breathing exercises are indispensable.
- Look for the positive in everything. As you know, there is a blessing in disguise, and the most hopeless situations can turn into unexpectedly happy consequences. Of course, it is blasphemous to seek joy in the death of a loved one, but in all other cases there will definitely be positive moments that will open up new opportunities or at least give you a reason to smile.
- Don't close in on yourself and your pain. Do not turn your pain into the meaning of life and into an eternally bleeding wound. Learn to ask for help. Try to communicate with kind and bright people. If the trauma is deep, work with psychologists, join support groups.
- Work on yourself. Suffering is a reason to think about your existence and about the soul. Realizing its underlying causes, you can understand what exactly led to such consequences, and correct your mistakes. Life is just beginning!
Video: Advice from Alex Yanovsky "What to do if you are in pain"
Life is impossible to live without tragedies and troubles. Suffering leaves its mark on the human soul. But if you learn to experience mental pain correctly, these scars will become a reminder of the experience gained and serve as a lesson on how to overcome adversity and emerge victorious from them.
The loss of a loved one is always suffering and suffering. Many people feel something like a rebirth, when the past life slips away from under their feet and they have to re-learn how to walk, breathe, smile, and so on. Pain and worries make it difficult to continue life in a social environment, trust people again and feel sympathy for the opposite sex. The constant feeling of pain is so acute that it replaces the entire consciousness and comes to the fore.
Physical pain is perceived differently by everyone, it depends on the pain threshold. But everyone is vulnerable to heartache. Coping with loss is difficult even for the most callous and cold person, and psychologists say that it is these people who experience psychological trauma much deeper and stronger. It follows from this that you should not keep experiences inside, there are many ways to alleviate the condition and get rid of suffering.
Why does breaking up hurt so much?
The psychology of personality is built in such a way that each person first of all worries about himself, for his condition, for his reputation. It's hard to argue with that because it's a proven fact. Severe pain at the time of parting is experienced by the one who made plans for the future. Relationships that have not brought joy and euphoria for a long time, in principle, cannot upset a person. All negative experiences are built on disappointment and the collapse of their own plans and hopes. It’s hard to lose not relationships, but what is connected with them in your own understanding and imagination.
Most relationships begin with trepidation, care, and romance. Waiting for the next meeting, careless, but not accidental touches and anticipation - all this is very exciting and pleasant. At some point, lightness and small joys end, life and routine begin. At this moment, in order to maintain a pleasant wave, a person begins to imagine and imagine a future where everything will soon be even better, but usually this does not happen. On the part of the partner, there is an increasing detachment and a desire to break off these relations. At this moment, even greater opposition to what is happening and unwillingness to admit failure in relation to the plans begins.
In the case of a joint life, common property and the presence of common children, there is also a sense of responsibility for what is happening inside, partly there is a feeling of guilt for the impossibility of correcting everything and returning it to its previous level. It is practically impossible to stop and soberly assess the situation without outside intervention. Every day, with every new situation, with every new realization that it's all over, the pain grows and intensifies. There are new problems associated with the division of property, with domestic issues. It is very hard to realize that everything good and planned for the future will never happen.
Not always the duration of the relationship directly affects the degree of shock. The personality type plays an important role. Fanciful emotional aggression and indignation help to cope with mental pain many times faster than outward calmness and detachment. In the latter case, the person denies what happened and the pain gnaws at him from the inside much longer.
How to deal with mental pain?
Not everyone is ready to understand the degree of shock and turn to a psychologist. Someone begins to fight in a panic and makes unsuccessful attempts to return everything, someone closes and moves away from the outside world, but all these attempts are dangerous for physical health. Mental pain can provoke the development of organic pathology, cause interruptions in the work of the heart, disrupt metabolic processes and lead to personality disorders.
The loss of a loved one is a difficult life situation that requires a long recovery. Do not worry that loved ones will not understand or others will condemn. Everyone has experienced something like this at least once in their life. Mental pain passes faster if you treat it as a physical pathology, that is, a full-fledged illness. She should also have the basic principles of treatment and the recovery period.
Time to be sad
You can’t hide emotions and try to survive the pain inside, alone with yourself. Focusing on the problem will only make it worse. New thoughts and far-fetched fears will appear. Initially, do not hide aggression and tears. It's not about tantrums and showdowns. A partner, whether it be a spouse, cohabitant, or just a guy or a girl, has already made his choice, and you can no longer make a broken one whole. It is not worth wasting time on this, again and again being subjected to mental pain. This disease is cured and after full rehabilitation remains only a memory. This period should last no more than a week, otherwise it is dangerous to go into depression.
There are many psychological trainings. to eliminate aggression and internal pain. Some psychologists recommend throwing out all the things you have in common and getting rid of everything that might remind you, including common acquaintances. Others believe that strength training and nature, hiking in the forest, climbing mountains, rafting, or regular jogging in the fresh air help well. Still others recommend breaking dishes and screaming with all your might in order to release the accumulated negativity. It is necessary to find an opportunity to move away from the usual activities for a while - for example, take a vacation.
Lifestyle change
Being in a relationship for a long time, sooner or later you realize that a certain algorithm of life has been developed. On weekdays - work or study, on weekends - household chores and, at best, going to the cinema or visiting friends. After a breakup, everything needs to change dramatically. There must be a restructuring of values. Most joint interests are shared and once imposed by the other half. Surely there is some kind of hobby or passion that once had to be abandoned due to a conflict of interest with a partner.
The most correct way of life is a healthy one. Rational and balanced nutrition will give strength and keep the figure in shape. Regular walks in the fresh air will improve sleep, tune in a new way and improve complexion. Compliance with the regime of work and rest is especially important. Overexertion at work will exacerbate the condition. Healthy and proper sleep restores the body and promotes recovery. You need to take vitamins and eat more fresh vegetables and fruits. Against the background of mental pain, general health should be at a high level, otherwise the recovery period has the risk of being delayed.
New interests and acquaintances
New interests will inevitably lead to acquaintances. Do not neglect the opportunity to make new contacts. Communication with people with similar interests captivates with more force, so the desire to return to the old circle of friends, where everything reminds of the loss, disappears. Some mutual acquaintances may intentionally hurt and provoke contact. There is no need to subconsciously seek meetings and try to talk, find out something and resume, such attempts bring even more disappointment and increased heartache.
Passion must be enjoyed. Well, if it is related to work, it will also bring additional income. Along with going to fitness centers, dancing classes, visiting various sections, it would be nice to introduce a tradition of a day off. To do this, you need to find a few friends of interest and come up with some kind of common activity - visiting a spa, bathhouse, restaurants or a cinema during the premieres. This is a very good distraction, because you need to prepare for such events in advance, and after them there is something to discuss.
think about the future
All plans built for the future were planned for two, otherwise there would be no reason for worries. It is necessary to reorient the intended goals only for yourself. But it is better to completely revise them and, if possible, abandon the plan as much as possible, adopting something new. It is much easier to achieve some goals alone, especially if a person is used to doing everything himself. It is possible that the plan will require a new partner and it's time to look for him, for example, among friends and relatives.
You can’t think about future loneliness, let your imagination not touch the topic of love and the search for a soul mate. It is worth devoting your mind to something light and bright, like a vacation in warm countries or a trip to Europe. Planning to buy a new gadget or car will also be beneficial, because there will be a desire to make money, and this is also a great distraction. You need to make a clear plan to conquer the world, work out a strategy for moving up the career ladder at work, or something else, even if crazy, but funny. Self-hypnosis is a good stimulus for success.
time to talk
All the time to be afraid of experiences and hush up grievances will not work. You need to find a loved one who can calm you down and help you talk. It is necessary to talk about the problem, not embarrassed to reveal something secret. The problem seems global as long as it is kept inside, as soon as it is voiced and there are other opinions about it, it becomes easier. Accumulated grievances that have been kept secret for a long time oppress from the inside. A sincere conversation or even a few conversations will help to cure the soul, but no more - you should not dive into the problem and make the drama of your whole life out of it, this is no longer help, but the right steps towards depression.
Not always in the environment there are people who can be trusted. Sometimes you don’t really want to share your heartache and talk about the situations you have experienced, worrying about your reputation or not wanting to cause trouble to your relatives. To do this, there are many forums where people are ready to discuss each other's problems, and for this it is not even necessary to give your real name. Social networks in this regard are somewhat more dangerous - they usually contain personal data, and correspondence is stored and can be used against a person.
A look into the past
Over time, the realization of what happened comes, you understand that the person is no longer in life and never will be. The mental pain gradually disappears and there remains a slight sadness and a slight sad smile on the face with memories. These feelings indicate the ability to soberly assess what happened. Everything in life is capable of bringing experience. In order to avoid past mistakes in a new relationship, it is worth carefully analyzing the old ones and answering a few questions for yourself:
- At what point did the relationship begin to change and deteriorate?
- What mistakes did each make and why?
- What could be changed and when?
- Is it possible to avoid such mistakes in the future?
Answers to questions will take a lot of time, some of them will remain open, because the opinion of the opponent is unknown, and two are always to blame for any conflict.
Time heals, even if mental pain is many times stronger than physical pain, but it also tends to remain in the past. Having gone through all the stages of emotional healing, it's time to think about new relationships, because loneliness is dangerous and does not bring as much good and bright experiences as having a loved one nearby. No matter how bad and bitter relationships are, these are past relationships, they are in the past. All people are different, so it is imperative to give a chance to a worthy candidate and try to initially build the right relationship.
A person experiences mental pain for various reasons. Some lose loved ones, others part with a loved one. It is not always possible to suppress sadness and start from scratch. Healing spiritual wounds takes time, effort and constant work on yourself. A depressed state often results in a prolonged depression, so it is important to find a balance in time so as not to aggravate the situation.
Unleash your feelings
Do not ignore the fact that sadness is pulling you deeper. The heart hurts, but the soul cries, this is normal. Turn on the hot shower and cry, beat the mattress, scream, just don't keep it all to yourself. Try to find a balance that makes you feel as comfortable as possible.
Do not fake smile, pretending that everything is fine. Also, you do not need to constantly think about what happened, provoking a nervous breakdown. Home meditation or yoga classes will help you find harmony. These directions are created for the healing of the soul and solitude with one's own "I".
In cases where the above methods do not fit, create a "sanctuary" in your apartment. Arrange a cozy corner, hang pastel-colored curtains, buy soft pillows. Obviously, at first you won’t want to go outside for a long time, but you shouldn’t delay it. When tears roll over again, return to your cozy corner, brew a mug of green tea with honey and close your eyes.
Control your actions and mind
It is not uncommon for a person to experience mental pain and remain in it for a long time. Try to find a way out so as not to drown in despair. It's one thing if you decide to wait a week to cope with the torment, another thing - when you fell into a prolonged depression.
During heart suffering, each of us goes through certain stages on the path to healing (grief, anger, indifference, anxiety, fear and humility). Analyze your own actions, think about what helps you move forward.
Perhaps the transition from sadness to dissatisfaction was carried out with the help of physical exertion or constant employment at work. When motivation is found, use it to move on to the rest of the stages up to accepting what happened.
There are no such people who are able to do without social communication. Relatives and friends will always support you, fill the void with advice or words of regret. Invite a friend to visit, cook a delicious dinner or order pizza at home, turn on an interesting movie on a neutral topic. Speak out, ask what she would do in your place, listen to good advice.
Get in the habit of having these get-togethers every night over a cup of tea or delicious ice cream. Do not drink alcohol, even in small quantities. Under the influence of alcohol, strong emotions will rush in, which you definitely won’t be able to cope with.
If communication with people is not suitable, get a diary. Conduct a frank dialogue in it, transfer all the pain and accumulated torment to paper. When the time comes and you can let go of what happened, you will need to burn the written sheets and move on to a new stage.
Would you like to keep a diary? It's okay, get a pet. You should not buy a dog if you are not ready for such a serious step. Choose a parrot (preferably a talking one), a cat or fish. The new inhabitant will give strength, because he needs attention, affection and communication. Focus on your pet, take care of it, put all your love and strength into it.
Take away material memories
If you have lost a loved one, do not throw away his things, it will be mean. Collect them in a box, carefully place them in the far corner of the cabinet. Restore everything to its place when the pain subsides. If you broke up with a loved one who broke your heart with his own actions, get rid of the "evidence" forever. Take personal items, shaving accessories, photo frames to the trash. Delete pictures from PC and phone, erase the number.
If not all items make you remember what happened, sort it. Take the thing in your hand and pay attention to the first associations. Wall collage makes you cry? Remove and dispose of it. Does the smell of perfume drive you crazy? Remove from sight. Bed linen does not cause negative feelings? Leave. Repeat the steps for each item that misleads you.
Take a break from what's happening
Pick up the book you've been dreaming of reading for a long time. Start watching a new series or find a hobby. Sign up for a dance class, take a trial class of stretching, Pilates or yoga. Call your friends, invite them to bowling, water park or picnic. Try to spend as little time as possible alone, communicate with interesting people.
If professional employment involves a continuous workflow, go into business with your head. Upgrade your skills or learn a new specialty. Visit distant relatives, take a field trip every weekend.
Well, if there are opportunities to go abroad. It is not necessary to buy expensive tours for 2 weeks, a three-day trip to the sea or to countries with a large concentration of attractions will be enough.
When a person begins to fantasize or imagine good moments, he is automatically healed. There is nothing wrong with dreams, visualize everything to the smallest detail. Imagine swimming in the sea or driving a car you just bought.
Carve out 15-20 minutes a day for a flight of fancy. During a short stay in the virtual world, the border with reality is erased, existing problems become less important.
Turn on your favorite music, get in a comfortable position, and close your eyes. Experts have repeatedly proven that music therapy has a beneficial effect on the nervous system and improves mood. The endorphins released fight stress and smooth out the difficult perception of reality. After 5 sessions, the attitude to what is happening changes, forces appear for new achievements.
Avoid sad memories
You have already got rid of things that can remind you of what happened. At this stage, it is necessary to suppress the negative memories that bring you to the original state. An ordinary song played that day, or a walk in familiar places, can provoke new stress.
It is not forbidden to think about what happened, but thoughts should be directed in a positive direction. If you notice that sadness is about to set in, switch to something neutral or cheerful. Go for a walk where you have not been before, go to a river or lake.
Time will pass, you will learn to live with it, you can easily switch from a once painful topic to completely opposite things. Now it seems to you that it will not get better, but it is not. Soon events will remain in the past, and you will find the strength to move on.
It is impossible to survive the heartache without changing yourself. Change the situation in the apartment, make cosmetic repairs, rearrange the furniture. If you do not want to be in this home, move to a new house or another city.Pay attention to appearance
Get your hair, face, figure in order. Go shopping and buy beautiful things that fit perfectly. Find an extreme hobby, go swimming or learn how to snowboard.
Do not shave your head, beat tattoos or paint in bright colors. Leave such changes for later. Meet new people, spend more time with them. Such a move will not allow every half an hour to discuss the unfortunate events that have occurred.
Develop materially and enrich spiritually
Master the literature on sociology, history, psychology or business. Find a profitable job, set a goal and move forward to achieve it. In order not to relax, make a bet with your friends.
Do not keep emotions in your head, in such cases, the risk of depression is likely. Invite friends to visit, talk, spend time having heartfelt conversations. Watch thoughts and actions, do not impose memories by force. Step back, find an interesting business, go to visit relatives or friends.
Video: how to overcome heartache
This is due to the fact that we are created to have relationships with other people and to strive for intimacy. In the transformation of the primate brain into the human brain, social connections, which include love, have played and continue to play a huge role. We understand how the love chemistry of the brain works, what happens to the body at the time of a break, and how to cope with painful sensations and experiences.
How love affects the brain
To understand what happens to the brain during separation, you need to brush up on the physiological processes that accompany falling in love and the development of attachment in mammals and humans. Science cannot answer the question why people and animals choose one partner for themselves and not another, but we know quite well what happens in the body.
I. Attraction
Butterflies in the stomach and physiological attraction are caused by sex hormones, mainly testosterone (in both sexes). It doesn't make people fall in love - it just provides libido.
II. Love
The neurotransmitter dopamine gives the motivation to move and seek a partner. It activates the "reward system" in the brain of lovers in direct proportion to the level of their subjective love, promising pleasure and forcing the object of passion to achieve.
Additional energy of passionprovides cortisol, it not only activates forces, but also puts the body in a state of stress. The adrenal glands actively produce adrenaline. Hence the sweating, frantic heart rate and the desire to jump and jump, which we feel during the first contact with the person we like.
Lovers have increased levels of norepinephrine. This hormone is involved in fixing new stimuli in the memory, including the process of "imprinting" into the memory in animals - imprinting. Apparently, this is why the image of the beloved gets stuck in the memory. We can think about the object of passion to the point of obsession, often also because of a decrease in the level of serotonin. In sharply in love, serotonin levels are lowered - as in those suffering from a real obsessive-compulsive disorder with obsessive thoughts.
III. Attachment
Love affection is characteristic not only of a person, but also of other living beings, when they protect a common territory, build nests together, care for each other, share care for offspring, and experience longing when separated.
When feelings are mutual and lovers form a couple, theydeclining cortisol levels and the amount of serotonin rises again, and constant physical contact “pumps” attachment hormones into the couple.
In humans, a love alliance is associated with a sense of security, calmness and emotional unity. Such sensations are associated mainly with oxytocin. It is produced during social and physical contact, hugging, sex, especially during orgasm - and its level is higher in those couples who have spent more time next to each other. It also shapes parental behavior, pushing the pair to stay with each other long enough to feed the offspring and continue their species.
IV. Why are there so many
Apparently, nature created such a complex chemical process in order to motivate two completely different individuals to form a pair for conception, bearing and raising children. All this time, people in a couple are in a state of drug intoxication, a love illusion, for which they are ready for a lot.
What Happens in the Body When You Break Up
When this physiological cycle is suddenly interrupted, the body enters a serious imbalance. Dopamine continues to remain at a high level for some time even in the absence of a love object - which means that the motivation to connect with another person does not weaken, giving rise to anxiety and dissatisfaction. When the inertia of this process stops and the production of dopamine slows down, on the contrary, depression, apathy, and lack of motivation will cover. Many will be drawn to the dopamine "needle" of alcohol, psychoactive substances or promiscuous sex (all this does not help, but only imbalance).
I. Anxiety
Loving people show less activity in the amygdala, a part of the brain that is responsible for experiencing intense emotions, especially negative ones like fear, anxiety, and anger. They have less active posterior cingulate gyrus, which is often associated with experiencing pain.
Experiments showed that even when women simply hold the hand of their beloved spouses, their brains have a weaker stress response system in response to electric shocks - and the more they are satisfied with their marriage, the calmer they remain.
When we lose such an important support for the balance of our body as a partner - even if we ourselves initiated the gap, and even more so if we were suddenly abandoned - we unillusionably experience a whole range of fears, anxieties and dissatisfaction.
II. real pain
Moreover, rejection causes the same reaction in the brain as physical pain. Looking at a portrait of former lovers activates the secondary somatosensory cortex and insula, which are responsible for the formation of complex physical sensations - they are also active in those who hit their fingers with a hammer.
This means that the pain of parting is real.
A broken heart causes the same stress and activates the same areas as a broken leg: at the moment of any social rejection, opioids are released into the brain - natural painkillers, the presence of which usually indicates a real injury.
III. Heart problems
By the way, the heart from parting can also really suffer. Broken heart syndrome, as takotsubo syndrome is often called, is a malfunction of the heart muscle under the influence of severe emotional stress. Such problems can show up after the death of a spouse, manifest as chest pains and can lead to death. The hearts of postmenopausal women are most at risk, but it happens to both sexes at any age. Stress can also trigger risky behavior by increasing the chance of dying in an accident, under the influence of high doses of alcohol or drugs, or in a fight.
IV. obsessive thoughts
Worst of all, our brains have evolved to focus on threats. And if something causes stress and pain, then it is regarded as a threat. That is, the desire to follow the life of a former lover, despite all the pain that it causes, is a consequence of some “stupidity” of our brain, its biological automatism. And don't forget about low levels of serotonin, which causes obsessive thoughts. Therefore, it makes sense to make it difficult for him to reflect painfully: maybe removing ex-friends looks childish, but still works. But do not deny your feelings and avoid thinking about the breakup in a constructive way.
What does it mean?
Feeling terrible after a breakup is normal and natural. In terms of chemical effect, love is like drug intoxication, and separation is like the withdrawal syndrome of an addict in the absence of a dose of a substance that usually provides a high level of dopamine. Approximately the same longing, they say, is experienced by cocaine after parting with it.
Our brains are quite capable of coping with both addiction and breakup. He just needs time. Take your time: you can digest your emotions for as long as you need.
In a survey I conducted for my telegram channel, 58% of people reported that they lost a loved one from a year to five years ago, while 66% of those surveyed noted that they still feel pain.
Think of it as a disease that you need to recover from (by the way, severe stress really leads to a drop in immunity and increases the risk of contracting all sorts of viruses in addition to reactive depression).
Understanding that some of these heartbreaking sensations are not in the soul, but in the body, gives some relief and a sense of control. We can more or less control our body and make it experience a little less stress and get a little more pleasure.
It is not necessary to shake the already unbalanced system of rewards with alcohol and drugs (at least, it is better to know the limit to drunken grief, if you could not resist). Help your dopamine. Of useful entertainment, he most of all loves movement, knowledge and the fulfillment of small short-term goals. The rewards system will reward you with a boost for making and following through on plans, whether it's cleaning the house, watching long-delayed movies, trying to hit your first run in three years, or even clearing your spam inbox to nothing.
That is why many people after parting make amazing personal successes in sports and in education, because they free up a large resource of attention and motivation.
Communication with a close circle helps to get a little joy and peace: family, friends, like-minded people - the brain “loves” social acceptance. And, of course, we should not forget about relaxation methods that are safe for health: walks in the fresh air, massage, and various relaxation techniques.
Psychological frustration
The physiological cocktail of neurotransmitters and hormones that churns through us during and after a breakup provokes more than just physical sensations. These substances regulate emotions and make us feel and experience.
So if you want to ask if this mixture of pain, bitterness, hope, resentment, despair and more can be avoided, the correct answer is no.
You can try to deny your emotions, run away from their awareness or try to give them a different color - I don’t suffer from the loss of a loved one, I’m angry; I suffer not because I loved him, but because he turned out to be an asshole. But, like the awareness of other traumatic events, this too must go through the universal stages of mourning—shock, denial, anger, bargaining, resignation—and come to accept the situation and restore wholeness.
Loss of one's own identity
In many ways, psychological frustration after a breakup is due to the fact that during the period of a relationship we build a partner into our identity. Many look at themselves through the eyes of a loved one and borrow his vision for self-identification and for building a picture of the future. Pulling out one of the main elements from this picture makes us experience the feeling of the destruction of the image of "I" and the loss of control over our lives and confusion.
Often we grieve not so much for a particular person, but for the picture of our "I", which he allowed us to build. Awareness of this fact helps to shift the focus to work on your condition.
The question "who am I?" - a normal existential question for singles and families, polyamers, youths and old people. Its complexity makes us look for the answer - in vigorous activity, creativity or philosophy. It just sounds louder in times of crisis.
Use this moment to reflect on what you want out of life and who you want to be. And then fall in love again, and there will be no time for existentialism.
Loss of adequate self-esteem
Very often, a gap leads not only to difficulties in self-identification, but also to a decrease in self-esteem. This is especially true for those who have been left behind. In such a situation, it may seem that something is wrong with you, since your partner has left you. But this erroneous line of thought only leads to worsening self-esteem issues and going in circles.
A loved one and his attention to us gives us value in our own eyes. When he leaves, it seems to us that what he loved us for has depreciated - we are not as good as it seemed before. Separating the pain of loss of intimacy and love from the pain of wounded pride can be very beneficial for recovery.
Be realistic: almost all people have been or will be abandoned at least once in their lives. This does not mean that something is wrong with everyone: we are all very different, see the world differently and can be at different stages of our lives when we meet someone.
The most common consequences of problems with self-esteem are the depreciation of the former partner and relationships with him, or, conversely, the idealization of the past.
Depreciation. Some consider devaluation - underestimation of the importance of a partner with the help of derogatory statements, the cultivation of contempt, and telling friends about their indifference or hatred towards this person, as a good cure for low self-esteem. But this is not the best way for us. By devaluing a former lover, we also lose the value of the time we spent together, the experience that changed us and made us mature, and we also deny those parts of the personality that have matured in these relationships - and which we need for a fulfilling life.
Idealization. The other extreme is the idealization of the past, when you fixate only on the best moments, collect them in a collection and shed tears, sorting through them like a Buddhist monk does his rosary. Of course, it is difficult for us to survive the loss of someone who was there at a difficult moment and whom we could rely on - not only in business, but also emotionally, in our insecurity, insecurity, and so on. But remember the difference between mature and immature love as formulated by Erich Fromm in his book The Art of Loving: “Immature love says, ‘I love you because I need you. Mature love says, "I need you because I love you" - strive for a mature understanding of love.
Both strategies - devaluation and idealization of the former partner - lead to emotional imbalance.
Diary for self-therapy
It is useful during any emotional upheaval, it allows you to express all the feelings and thoughts that torment you and becomes a calm for the mind, obsessively returning to the object of former love.
In order to regain control over your self-esteem, use a notebook, a pen and your mind. Record on paper both what you are grateful to your partner for and the criticism and regrets that have accumulated during the relationship. Formulate why your relationship did not work: you wanted different things from life, you did not agree on values, the relationship was painful, someone suppressed someone. Make a list of what you had to sacrifice and what you didn't want to compromise on. Write down your everyday thoughts and experiences, trying to comprehend the past stage and crystallize it into experience.
It is this experience that, at the end of your breakup experience, will become a new part of your personality, your wisdom and maturity. Meaningful experience is your wealth. Even painful experiences can benefit the individual if they are realized and worked through.
Restoring independence and relying on yourself will serve your personality well: you are complete, and you do not need another person to have value, know what to do and who to be.
After such work on becoming aware of your emotional experience, you will feel relief and the beginning of a new life. Research shows that people who understand the reasons for a breakup are more likely to recover faster and are more satisfied with their next relationship than those who don't reflect on it.
Breakup social background
You may feel uncomfortable and even ashamed when explaining to your friends that you and your partner broke up. You have to face not only internal uncertainty, but also external: the future that you planned will never happen again - just like the image of your future self has disappeared forever.
I. Uncertainty and fear of loneliness
All these worries are only indirectly related to love and its loss. We feel similar stress when we graduate from school or college, lose a job, or move to another country. Uncertainty is the main stress factor here. Our brain is generally not very adapted to uncertainty and suddenness, but any novelty soon becomes commonplace for it.
But uncertainty guarantees you freedom of action. The period after parting with a long-term partner is one of the most fruitful for soul-searching and setting new goals, because at such a moment you are relieved of a huge amount of obligations, and you now have more maneuver to make a big change in your life.
We may be worried about the fear of being alone. It may seem that we will never be able to love again and will not be happy. Pictures of happiness, success and the prevailing life can crush the assertion of the superiority of paired creatures over single ones. Watching popular movies about love only exacerbates the feeling that something has gone wrong in your life.
II. "Unreal Love"
The main mistake we make when thinking about past happiness is related to the pop culture version of love that is shown in popular films, songs and fairy tales. Love should be stable, the same, begin with passion, quickly result in a wedding (well, or the formation of a modern monogamous couple) and then last forever.
It seems to us that if our love ended, then it was a fatal mistake and, in general, not true love. This statement is false.
Love is valuable as an experience: the experience of knowing the other, yourself, the experience of super-motivation and actions inspired by care, the experience of experiencing acceptance of the other - and acceptance by the other. This is a unique experience that will stay with you even many years after your pain is gone and how you forget many of the details that you remember now. The end does not detract from the value of love in the same way that the death of a person does not detract from the significance of those actions and feelings that he performed and experienced while alive.
The brain is plastic. It responds to intense experiences and adapts to them. The storm of experiences passes gradually, because if you take and abruptly interrupt the entire complex chemical process that occurs in the brain of two people in a pair, you can cause serious damage to the entire system. She has to balance herself and is quite capable of doing so.
Sometimes science and banality converge: it does get better with time, although it’s unbelievable now.
One fine day (be it a month or a few years later) you suddenly feel free from bitterness, resentment and regret. The main thing, as science shows, is to fully comprehend your experience in order to move on.
