Attachment - this phenomenon in society has a rather positive connotation, showing that a person has wonderful and kind feelings that help make friends, maintain family relationships, and be involved with other people.

What does affection mean?

Attachment to a person is a multifaceted concept that includes a range of different states: a feeling of closeness, falling in love, interest, deep devotion and loyalty. Attachment is often painful and destructive, making it difficult to unlock a person's potential and hindering building healthy relationships with other significant people.

How to distinguish love from affection?

How to understand love or affection - more often this question is asked by women, unable to separate these states due to their natural emotionality. Feeling of affection and love differences:

• attachment - attraction, love - kinship of souls;
• at the heart of attachment, feelings are fickle, sometimes flare up, sometimes subside, love is constant, deep;
• attachment causes a strong feeling of longing, in love longing is of a different order and at its core is the strength that makes it possible to move on;
• attachment is tied to egocentrism, love is the acceptance of another person and a feeling of happiness simply because he is without any expectations about him.

How to get rid of attachment?

How to get rid of attachment to a person, because addiction does not allow you to live normally, breathe, realize yourself as a person? Psychologists advise in such cases to contact specialists, it is difficult to get rid of such a problem yourself, if there is no such possibility, you should not despair and you should try to start taking steps towards freedom in this direction:

• realize that everything in this world is temporary, and relationships too;
• explore the subject or object of affection with the help of questions: “What will happen if this person leaves my life?”, “Why am I afraid to lose it?”;
• attachment is the habit of getting a state of happiness by associating oneself with a particular person, it is important to learn to be happy independently of others;
• to start learning something new about yourself, to love yourself, to set goals - for this you need to go into the depths of yourself, without exchanging for the outside.

Attachment types

Attachments can be conditionally divided into several types, each of them is laid down in childhood, but also depends on the temperament of the child. Attachment types:

1. Safe(healthy) - is formed in a family where the child's needs for care, attention and affection are fully satisfied. Children in such a family grow up self-confident, calm and easily adaptable to the environment.
2. avoidant- occurs when a child is systematically neglected, he grows up annoying, dependent on the opinions of others, unable to build normal relationships.
3. Disorganized- is laid in a family where parents are prone to violence - the child grows up impulsive, aggressive towards others.

emotional attachment

Any attachment is tied to emotions, negative, positive, or a mixture of them. Emotional attachment to a woman or a man arises as a result of sexual intimacy and in women it is formed faster. Emotional attachment has a positive aspect: relationships with the inclusion of emotions are difficult to destroy - this is a good background for married couples, but if the relationship contains destructive emotions or ambivalent emotions, it is difficult for such people to leave, they both love and hate each other, creating a vicious circle of painful cravings to each other.

affective attachment

Affective attachment in psychology refers to neurotic attachment disorders and is expressed in excessive attachment to the mother, which makes it possible to attribute this type of attachment to other unreliable types: ambivalent, neurotic. The distortion here is observed in the distortions of relations: the child is very attached to the mother, but if she is absent even for a short time, when she appears, a surge of joy follows, quickly replaced by screams, reproaches and aggression towards the mother, for leaving the child alone.

Ambivalent attachment

Obsessive ambivalence in affection is typical for children and adults who were brought up in strictness and did not receive affection and attention, grew up in conditions of "emotional hunger". Ambivalent attachment can cause a more serious mental disorder - reactive attachment disorder, when a child, teenager tries to get attention from complete strangers, which makes him an easy prey for dishonorable people.

Manifestations of ambivalent attachment:

• control over one's own activities and those of others;
• anxiety, self-doubt;
• inadequate manifestation of emotions (breakdowns, tantrums, anger);
• distrust of the world;
• ambivalent feelings for mother, loved ones - from love to hate several times a day.

Symbiotic attachment

A mixed type of attachment disorder, in which there is strong separation anxiety and a desire to merge with a significant other, to dissolve in it, this is symbiotic attachment. For a newborn child, symbiosis with the mother is very important for survival, the signaling systems of the brain of the baby and mother work in a synchronous rhythm, feeling each other. But the child develops and must gradually separate from the mother.

The crisis of 3 years, when the baby protests and tries to do things on his own, while the main phrase at this age is “I myself!” clearly demonstrates that it is time to reckon with the little man for his right to separate and explore the world on his own. An anxious mother resists this process in every possible way, this is because at one time she also had problems with separation from her mother, while feelings arise:

• impotence;
• total fatigue;
• irritation and anger;
• guilt and shame.

Signs of a symbiotic attachment between a child and mother:

• all his activity the child appeals to his mother, without her he cannot even take a step;
• commands the mother;
• needs external stimulation for activity, entertainment, no self-interest arises;
• not able to regulate and live his emotional state.

sexual affection

The need for attachment to a sexual partner is more pronounced in women than in men. Intimate or sexual attachment is formed under the influence of the release during sex of a large amount of oxytocin, which in men is slightly suppressed by testosterone, and in women it is enhanced by estrogen, a hormone that has a calming and “binding” effect. Therefore, women can become attached to a partner after the first sexual contact, and attach great importance to sex.

A break with a partner is perceived by a woman very painfully. Often, sexual attachment is fused with emotional. In men, emotional attachment to a sexual partner develops over time. For a woman, such affection is even deeper, because it carries a shade of gratitude for the sensual pleasure delivered by a partner.

avoidant type of attachment

Attachment theory characterizes avoidant attachment as a disorder that affects an average of 25% of people. Children with an emerging pattern of avoidance behave in a way that from the outside looks like indifference: the mother leaves or comes to them anyway. With an avoidant type of attachment, a child can easily communicate with strangers. Often parents are not overjoyed at such children, showing off to friends that their child has independence beyond his years. This type of attachment appears in the following cases:

• early separation from mother (long departure, death);
• social deprivation;
• excessive guardianship and control at an early age;

Avoidant attachment - signs in childhood and adulthood:

• inability to establish long-term relationships;
• inability to ask for help, support - they experience it alone;
• lack of attachment to significant, important people;
• negative attitude to the manifestation of attention from the outside, they prefer not to be touched.

neurotic attachment

The attachment of the child to the mother can be painful. Some children need the constant presence of their mother, and as soon as she leaves for a few minutes, they throw tantrums, and a good mother immediately rushes to calm the child, dragging him everywhere with her. Over time, the manipulations on the part of the growing child intensify and begin to deliver already strong anxiety. Such children learn the rule that in order for a loved one to be near, one must suffer and play on one's suffering.

In adults, sick or neurotic attachment is carried over to all significant relationships, but to a greater extent this applies to love relationships. How it manifests itself:

• life narrows down to one person;
• the need for the other to see the meaning of life in these relationships;
• constant anxiety and concern for relationships;
• control over the private life of another;
• destructive feelings: jealousy, anger.

Nowadays, when mothers spend less time at home, when families break up and then re-create in new combinations, when disputes rage over the emotional needs of schoolchildren, around the merits and demerits of kindergartens and schools, when gadgets flood our lives, it becomes very important to rethink theoretical the basics of raising children in the new realities that we have in the world at the moment.

Questions that are of great theoretical and practical interest:

• What is the minimum necessary for children to feel that our world is a positive place and that every child is valuable in their own right?
• What experiences in childhood prevent children from feeling confident enough to explore the world, to develop healthy partnerships, to withstand the vicissitudes of life?
• What guardianship or foster care arrangements will best meet their emotional needs if the family breaks up, and at what point do we decide that a mother who neglects or mistreats her child is worse than a stranger?
• Who among us is at risk of being a parent who raises an insecure child, and what can be done to minimize this risk?

Psychologists are the people who deal with these issues. In particular, today we will talk to you about the formation of attachment.

Attachment is an emotional bond that is formed between the mother or her substitute in the first years of a child's life (in particular, up to 3 years).

The first experts who identified this problem were:

René Spitz, he worked after the Second World War in infant homes and showed that infants kept in infant homes, without caring or loving attention, weakened and often died. Was introduced the concept of hospital syndrome- when babies, with good care, cleanliness and adequate nutrition, died for unknown reasons. And they died of longing (depression from the loss of the closest person for them on earth - their mother). Of course, not everyone died, someone managed to adapt and live on, but the development of such a child, of course, already had its own characteristics. Thus, it was concluded that the child's need for mother's care is a vital need - a vital one. The child does not care who will take care of him in infancy. In addition to cleanliness, nutrition, warm emotional contact is very important!

Henry Harlow, an animal theorist, set up an experiment with rhesus macaque monkeys. He took baby monkeys from their mothers immediately after birth and placed them with two surrogate "mothers" - one made of wire and the other covered with terry cloth. One or another “mother” was given a feeding bottle. Even when the wire "mother" provided food, the little monkeys bonded more to the soft rag mother, snuggling up to her, running to her when they were frightened, and using her as a base for research. The experiment disproved the assumption, common among both Freudians and social learning theorists, that the attachment of the infant to the mother is largely determined by the function of feeding. For rhesus monkeys, at least, warm contact seemed more important.

Mary Ainsworth with almost the same purpose, she conducted experimental observation of infants in the Baltimore laboratory. Using a technique called “Strange Situation”, Ainsworth began a long-term study of infant attachment in the first year of life. In an approach that was extremely unusual for the time, the researchers closely observed mothers with babies in their homes, paying particular attention to each mother's style of responding to their baby in a number of key areas: feeding, crying, hugging, eye contact, and smiling. At the age of 12 months, children with their mothers were invited to the laboratory, where the infants were observed in a situation of separation from the mother. During two stages of the experiment, a stranger was in the room, and at one stage the child was left alone in the room.

1. Ainsworth Ainsworth (“Attachment Patterns”) identified three distinct patterns (behaviors) in infant responses. One group of children protested or cried at the separation, but when the mother returned, they greeted her with joy, reaching out to the mother to be picked up and cuddled up to her. They were relatively easy to comfort. Ainsworth referred to this group as “securely tied”.

Secure Attachment- the child in the presence of the mother calmly explores the surrounding space, reacts when the mother leaves, but calms down when she returns It's easy to console him.

(Mothers of securely tethered babies were more receptive to their babies' hunger cues and crying, and made their babies smile easily.)

The two "insecure or anxious attachment" groups are:

1. ambivalent - the children were inclined to cling to the mother from the very beginning and were afraid to explore the room on their own. They became very anxious and protested the separation, often crying violently. The ambivalent children sought contact with their mother when she returned, but at the same time withdrew angrily, resisting all attempts to console them.

Ambivalent attachment - children simultaneously seek contact with their mother and become angry when trying to console them. When trying to console them, they express anger.

Mothers of anxiously attached children were inconsistent, unresponsive. They also took their children in their arms, but they did it not when the child wanted it, but when they wanted it or needed it.

Insecurely attached children develop strategies to deal with the unavailability or inconsistency of their mothers. The ambivalent child is desperately trying to influence the mother. He clings to the fact that she does get close at times. He senses that she may sometimes react out of guilt if he pleads and expresses quite a bit of disagreement. And then he constantly tries to cling to her or punish her for being unavailable. He is heavily dependent on her and his attempts to change her.

2. The second group, called "shunners", gave the impression of being independent. They explored the new environment without resorting to the mother as a secure base, and did not turn around to check for her presence, as children labeled as securely attached did. When the mother left, it seemed that the shunning children were not touched. And when she returned, they ignored or avoided her.

Avoidant attachment - children are closed. Outwardly, they do not seem to react at all to the departure of their mother. They do not require comfort from the mother

(The mothers of anxiously attached children were inconsistent, unresponsive, rejecting.)

Children with avoidant attachment tend to take the opposite course. The child becomes irritable and cold (although he remains no less attached). His requests for attention have been painfully rebuffed, and receiving attention seems impossible to him. The child seems to say: “Who needs you, I can do it myself!” Often, in combination with this attitude, pretentious ideas about myself lead to the idea: I'm great, I don't need anyone. In fact, some parents unwittingly encourage such greatness in a child. If a mother can convince herself that her child is much better than other children, then she has an excuse for herself for the lack of educational attention: this child is special, he hardly needs me, he takes care of himself almost from birth.

In such cases, the lack of maternal care seems to have its unfortunate grounds, often stemming from the neglect she herself experienced when she was a child. Needs and desires that she has long suppressed make her irritable, depressed, or disgusted when she sees them in her child. Bowlby believes that avoidant attachment lies at the heart of the narcissistic personality traits, one of the dominant psychiatric problems of our time.

These three types, seen in laboratory observation, showed a direct relationship with the way infants were brought up with the type of attachment to the mother.

The attachment program is extremely simple- the child has a request, I need ..., I'm scared ... The answer of an adult - I will help, satisfy your need, I will protect ...

When the need is generously and joyfully satisfied by the parent, the child is “liberated” from it. It is the fully satisfied need to be dependent, to receive care and help that leads to independence and the ability to do without help (in later life). We have only one way to make the vessel full, and that is to fill it up.. (this unsaturated need for care, depending on the parent, can later become a source of already pathological addictions - alcohol, drugs, games, gadgets).

But if the answer to the child's request is not received - i.e. the mother rejects the child’s requests or it is done through hostility - “on, just get rid of”, “there is not enough evil for you”

(film "Mother and Child", 2009)

The child's request "gets stuck" like a broken gear, the cycle scrolls to idle, there is no release. The child does not become independent, he remains in the “captivity” of his unsatisfied needs. The child who was limited in this will ask for longer. Unless, of course, he was completely disappointed in the ability of his parents to respond to his needs and did not give up - but this is already a serious trauma of attachment.

With an attachment disorder, psychopathy, sadism, schizoid states are formed. These are already psychiatric problems that will be difficult to correct on their own in a foster family.

So - if during the first year of life the mother or guardian of the child was attentive to his needs, gave him emotional warmth, care, kind words, warm touches, sincerely rejoiced at everything that the child does, then the child draws a simple conclusion for himself: “I exist and it’s good!”, “The world is glad for my presence and I am glad for the world”, “The world is kind”. “Basic trust in the world” is being formed.

If this did not happen, then an understanding is formed that the “World is evil” and you need to be on the alert, you need to be the most aggressive in order to defend yourself, and that you still need to prove to others that you exist!

By age two, insecurely attached children:

• not confident enough
• show little enthusiasm for problem solving.

Between the ages of three and a half and five years:

They are often problem children with poor peer relationships and reduced resilience. Resilience has three components:

Engagement - a person with a high degree of involvement in life enjoys his life. (rejection).

Control - confidence that "I can influence the situation" - otherwise - helplessness.

Risk taking is the belief that everything that happens contributes to development, through knowledge gained from experience, no matter positive or negative. A person who considers life as a way of gaining experience is ready to act in the absence of reliable guarantees of success, at his own peril and risk, considering the desire for simple comfort and security to impoverish the life of an individual. Risk taking is based on the idea of ​​development through the active assimilation of knowledge from experience and their subsequent use.

The components of resilience develop during childhood and partly during adolescence, although they can be developed later. Their development is crucially dependent on the relationship of parents with the child.

In particular, acceptance and support, love and approval from parents is fundamentally important for the development of the involvement component.

For the development of the control component, it is important to support the child's initiative, his desire to cope with tasks of ever-increasing complexity on the verge of his capabilities.

For the development of risk acceptance, the richness of impressions, the variability and heterogeneity of the environment are important.

At six years old, they tend to show a sense of hopelessness. in response to an imagined separation. They were more often withdrawn or hostile and did not seek help when they were offended or disappointed.

To form a secure attachment, a child needs to know that the primary caregiver is permanent, reliable, and always available. Encouraged by the knowledge of the availability of his mother, the child can go ahead and explore the world. Lacking this, the child feels insecure and his exploratory interest wanes. The parent acts as a secure base from which the child can push off to explore the world and then come back for reassurance and acceptance.

• Two-year-olds who were assessed as securely attached at 18 months of age were proactive and persistent on simple tasks, and successfully used maternal assistance when tasks became more difficult.
• Preschoolers who were considered securely attached as infants were significantly more flexible, inquisitive, socially competent, and more self-confident than their anxiously attached peers.
• Securely attached children were more benevolent; they wanted and were more likely to become leaders. The same results persisted in primary school age.

Another scientist who dealt with the problem of attachment was John Bowlby.. Wrote a three-volume study Attachment and Loss. Bowlby owns the term "secondary attachment"- i.e. the ability of the child's psyche to form attachment when entering a foster family.

Publications:

1. “Forty-four young thieves” (1947), in which he pointed to a high percentage of male delinquents who experienced an early separation from their mother.

2. “Maternal care and mental health”. (1951) The book argued that children suffering from motherlessness were at high risk of physical and mental illness, and that even a clean, well-intentioned, and well-managed public institution, if it did not in some way provide a real substitute for the mother, was unlikely to whether will protect a young child from the occurrence of irreversible damage by the age of three years.

Bowlby saw many innate behavioral systems—relationship-seeking patterns—such as smiling, babbling, looking, listening—that are nurtured and developed by the responses they evoke in the environment.

Establishing, maintaining and renewing this closeness evokes feelings of love, security and joy. A prolonged or untimely breakup leads to anxiety, grief, and depression.

His touching documentary Two-Year-Old in Hospital, about little Laura's separation from her parents for eight days, had an impact on changing hospital rules:

According to Bowlby and his team's research, many teachers reacted with unfortunate consistency when interacting with these three types of children.

• They tended to treat children with secure attachment, in fact, according to their age;
• make excuses and treat, as if they were younger, dull children with ambivalent attachment;
• and being controlling and irritable with avoidant children.

“Every time I see a teacher who looks like he wants to grab a child by the shoulders and stuff him in a trash can,” says Schruf, “I know the child has a history of avoidant attachment.”

It is believed that insecurely attached children are relatively easy to change during the first early years of life. Children with avoidant attachment, for example, will seek attachment with teachers and other adults, and if they are lucky, they will find that special person who will provide them with an alternative attachment model. Recent research has shown that if a child has a secure attachment to his father (or other secondary caring adult), it will be a huge help in overcoming his insecure attachment to his mother. Even if it's just an aunt that the child sees from time to time, knowing that she cares for him will maintain a different quality of affection in him. Resilience research has shown that a child who has such a person in their life can be quite different in their ability to believe in themselves and cope with the vicissitudes of life.

But insecurely attached children often have difficulty finding such an alternative attachment figure, because the ways he has learned to survive in the world tend to distance him from the very people who could help him. The behavior of insecurely attached children, whether aggressive or intrusive, pompous or easily vulnerable, often tests the patience of both peers and adults. They seek responses that continually confirm the child's distorted view of the world. People will never love me, they treat me like an annoying fly, they don't trust me, and so on.

A securely attached child is able to communicate negative feelings such as anger, resentment, jealousy, and resentment quite explicitly. He may cry or scream, stop talking, or say “I hate you,” confident of an empathetic response.

A child with an insecure attachment does not have this confidence. His mother, unable to deal with her own negative feelings, either neglects him or overreacts. As a result, his negative feelings are either fenced off from his consciousness, or accumulate in him to the point that they begin to overwhelm him. His ability to communicate his pain is gradually diminished and distorted to the point where it actually requires misinterpretation.

Ideally, children with insecure attachments should be helped before adolescence, because it is in childhood that change is most easily achieved without therapeutic intervention, when a strong parent or approachable teacher can turn the child around.

It has been found that children who have been abused usually fall into a fourth category of attachment, called "disorganized." A child in this category seeks intimacy with his mother in distorted ways. He may approach her from behind, or suddenly freeze in the middle of a movement, or sit for a while and stare into space. His reactions, in contrast to the strategies of avoidant and ambivalent children, represent a complete lack of strategy.

The work of John Bowlby and his theory of attachment has made a huge contribution to understanding the needs of young children. Bowlby emphasized the great importance of the relationship between the mother (or the person who replaces her) and the child. These relationships are the foundation of successful child development.
A psychiatrist and psychoanalyst by training, John Bowlby had extensive experience working with "difficult children". While still a student, he came to understand that many of the difficulties in behavior and social adaptation that occur in children are associated with violations of the relationship between the child and parents. He was especially interested in the problems of the aggressiveness of adolescents who could not share their feelings with other people, as well as understand the feelings of others.

John Bowlby was also interested in the research being done in developmental biology and ethology (the science that studies the behavior of animals in natural conditions). His attention was especially attracted by the work of Lorenz, who studied imprinting in birds, and Harlow, who showed that in primates the role of the mother is not only that she feeds her cub, but is also largely determined by the fact that she gives warmth and peace to her cub. . These works had a great influence on the understanding of the nature of the relationship between a newborn child and his mother.

Analyzing the data obtained by scientists of various specialties and directions, Bowlby comes to the conclusion about the extraordinary importance of the early relationship between mother and baby. Bowlby did not agree with the postulate of psychoanalysts, who believed that the basis for the formation of early relationships between mother and child is that the mother feeds her newborn. Formulating the theory of attachment (1969), Bowlby states that the basis for the formation of early relationships is not the satisfaction of the need for food, but the feeling of security, warmth and comfort that the baby receives from the mother. This sense of security is essential for the survival and development of the infant.
Bowlby understood that the mechanisms that ensure the relationship between newborn children and their parents differ significantly from the mechanisms of attachment in animals, but at the same time they have some common patterns.

Bowlby believed that the emerging attachment gives the child the opportunity to develop and learn about the world around him. It allows him to learn to trust other people, while distinguishing relatives and strangers in his environment.

Describing the development of attachment, John Bowlby notes that it is a process that develops over time.

The work of Bowlby and his followers has led to a change in the forms of care and concern for young children in many countries. Many specialists have continued to develop and apply Bowlby's work. "The baby does not exist by itself" - this statement belongs to the pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, who argued that the baby is inseparable from his mother. Both the physical and mental development of an infant depends to a large extent on his relationships with loved ones and on the environment in which he lives.

Attachment Definition

Attachment is a form of emotional communication based on adult satisfaction of a child's emerging need for security and love. Attachment to a mother or other significant adult is a necessary phase in the normal mental development of children, in the formation of their personality.

Attachment is a mutual process. Both adults and children contribute to its formation.

Even before the birth of a child, a woman “tunes in” to her baby. This is a natural and healthy process. During pregnancy, a woman feels the baby move in her womb. She thinks about him, tries to imagine what he will be like when he is born, makes plans for the future.

In the weeks leading up to the birth of a child, the mother enters a very specific state. In the specialized literature it is called "primary maternal concern" (Winnicott, 1956). Being in this state, a woman is very sensitive to everything related to her child, very sensitive to his signals and needs.

Those specific feelings that arise in the mother and allow her to be sensitive to the signals of the child are called bonding. Already after a short period of time after the birth of the baby, the mother can distinguish the crying of her child from the crying of other children. She is very attentive to any, the most minimal signals of the child and worries because of his slightest indisposition. According to signs that are noticeable only to her, the mother understands the reasons for the baby's anxiety - he is hungry, tired, or he needs to be swaddled. With prolonged communication with the baby, similar mechanisms are triggered in other people who replace the mother.

For many women, this process starts by itself. But for some women, feelings for a child do not appear immediately, and they feel insecure in the role of a mother. The early relationship between mother and child can be very vulnerable at first. But they are very important for the further formation of attachment.

There is a special term - "social behavior caused by an infant". When interacting with the baby, the mother observes changes in speech, facial expressions, movements of the eyes, head, hands, body, and the distance changes in the process of interaction. The structure of speech also changes - the syntax is simplified, phrases become shorter, pauses increase, the pronunciation of some words changes. The timbre of the voice rises, speech slows down, the vowels are partially stretched, the rhythm and stress change. All this leads to a special melody of mother's speech.

In other words, the mother behaves as if the infant can take in a smaller piece of information and take more time to process it before receiving the next piece. An increase in the duration and degree of manifestation of emotions makes it easier for the infant to perceive, process and, accordingly, respond. The high sounds preferred by babies are most represented in the speech of the mother, etc. As a result, on the one hand, the baby causes a special behavior of the mother in relation to himself, and on the other hand, he is maximally directed at the perception of her behavior (Mukhamedrakhimov R., 2003) .

Although there are individual differences in the manifestation of infant-induced behavior, evidence from multiple studies supports the notion of its biological basis. Such behavior towards the baby is unconsciously manifested not only in the mother, but also in the father or another person close to the baby.

Who can be the object of affection?

It is not true to say that the only object for the formation of attachment can be the mother. Attachment is also formed to the father, grandparents, older brothers and sisters, if they participate in the upbringing and care of the child and spend a significant part of the time with him. These can be foster parents, adoptive parents, guardians, and educators - in this case, it is important that the presence of another person is reliable and constant, so that he is ready to take care of the baby. This person must also possess a certain set of what are considered traditionally maternal qualities: the ability to create for the child a feeling of a safe and emotionally warm environment, maintain it and respond to the child's slightest emotional and physical needs. A trustworthy, always present adult helps the child to cope with the difficulties of everyday life. And the smaller the child, the stronger his need for adult support.

How does the child establish contact with adults?

A child is born helpless and inept, but at the same time he has a number of abilities that are necessary for the formation of attachment. Like a baby's ability to attract its mother, a newborn's ability to connect with an adult is based on biological mechanisms and is necessary for the survival of the baby.
A newborn baby is "tuned" to search for an adult, he actively distinguishes a human face among other objects, distinguishes the smell of mother's milk, rejoices and revives in response to the attention paid to him.

From birth, babies have a special ability to distinguish people in the world around them. They perceive the face, voice, touch and sounds coming from a person, especially the mother, as unique and different from other sounds, visual objects and stimuli. Babies are also able to imitate the facial expression of their interaction partner from the first minutes of life (frown, smile, stick out their tongue). The kid begins to single out "his" adult among others, rejoice when a loved one comes and get upset when he leaves.

Attachment formation is a natural process

Attachment between mother and baby is not formed immediately, but gradually, in the process of direct long-term interaction.

A mother who takes care of her child does not do anything special or highly professional to form an attachment. Attachment is not an abstract or high-tech category, the formation of which requires special knowledge and skills. There is nothing supernatural or magical about forming an attachment. Mom or the person who replaces her simply stays with the child for a long time, takes care of him, talks, introduces the baby to the outside world, tries to understand what the child needs now and give it to him, protecting the child from overwork, fear, pain, hunger, etc.

Sometimes it begins to seem that in order to form attachment, it is necessary that the mother possess a number of extraordinary abilities, devote herself completely only to the child, know the features of his development as well as professionals, etc. This is far from being the case. Donald Winnicott introduced the very important concept of "good enough mother". Winnicott wrote that all the most important knowledge necessary for raising a baby, the mother already has at the level of intuition. This is what a mother does and knows "simply by the fact of motherhood". According to Winnicott, even a professional trained in medicine will be delighted with the "intuitive knowledge of a mother who is able to take care of her child without specifically learning to do so." At the same time, "in fact, the main value of intuitive comprehension lies in its naturalness, not distorted by training." Mom, being an important person for the baby, tries to fulfill all his desires. At the same time, the mother should not constantly be only with the child, completely forgetting about herself and her life. Winnicott writes "if the mother were perfect, then she would satisfy the needs of the crumbs at the moment of occurrence. But then the baby would never know that the World exists around him. He would not learn to speak." In addition, it is emphasized that mother's needs - the opportunity to relax, take care of herself, pay attention to her husband and other relatives, meet friends - are also very important for the child.

If a mother is constantly only with the baby, forgetting about herself, then over time she accumulates fatigue, she may feel detached from life. This can lead to depression and simply a deterioration in mood, which may not be the best way for the child. In addition, do not underestimate the importance for the child of the father and other relatives, who can and should also be involved in caring for the baby.

Moms can be different: have a high or very low level of education, work or prefer to stay at home. The most important thing is that the people around the child love and care for the baby. For a child, nothing can be more important than his family, even if it is very poor, sometimes living in not the most luxurious conditions. The proverb says: "Happiness is not in money."

Attachment and social adaptation

It has already been said above that an adult who is next to the child all the time helps him cope with the difficulties of everyday life. This is especially true for small children. First, the child is not able to cope with many situations. He may feel fear or rage, which in turn frightens him and overwhelms him with negative emotions. When this happens, the mother helps the baby deal with his feelings. The child sees that the mother does not answer him with fear or anger. On the contrary, she shows him that his experiences, so obvious to her, are not so terrible or excessive. With touches and affectionate words, the mother "accepts" the baby's fear, reduces the strength of his experiences and restrains his emotions until the child calms down. A few months later, the child will begin to regulate and contain such emotions. This is due to the relationship with the mother and loved ones who help the baby cope with their feelings.

The attachment of a child to a mother or other significant adult contributes to the development of such social feelings as gratitude, responsiveness and warmth in relationships, that is, everything that is a manifestation of truly human qualities.

As children grow older, they have to be separated from their mother more and more. But for many years the child needs to maintain very close and warm relationships with loved ones. L. S. Vygotsky pointed out the fact that in the presence of a well-known and trustworthy adult, already in elementary school, children are able to demonstrate the best results in tests.

Quality relationships help children develop self-respect, self-reliance, better coping with disappointments, envy, jealousy, and overcoming common fears and worries. A child who has a good attachment to one caregiver can more easily develop relationships and form attachments with other people, such as siblings, relatives, and eventually friends.

The development of relationships between people is directly related to the development of personality, and violations in these relationships play an important role in the development of many psychopathological conditions (M. Rutter, 1987). A strong healthy attachment has many long-term and positive consequences; and in contrast to this, the separation of the child from the person who cares for him is a serious danger to all subsequent life.

Secure Attachment Leads to Self-reliance

A child's attachment develops and strengthens over time. Up to 6 months, the baby can "allow" to be taken care of not only by the mother, but also by another person. By 6 months, he may already begin to be wary of the fact that an outsider takes his hands. At the age of 9-11 months, the appearance of a stranger can greatly frighten the child. All over the world, children go through a period of fear of strangers. The manifestation of such fear shows that the child understands well that he is calm and comfortable with those close to him. Even a short separation from the mother leads to the fact that the child can become more passive for a while, less explore the world around him. The child's play also becomes more passive.

However, the fear of strangers does not mean at all that the mother should always be near the child. If a child has formed attachment and he "knows" that his mother will definitely return, temporary separation will not be a strong shock for him.
Independence, like attachment, is formed in a child gradually. Reliable attachment, the child's confidence that his loved ones will not leave him, they will always come to the rescue, is the basis for the subsequent formation of independence.
Around the age of 8-9 months, when the baby can move independently, he begins to crawl away from the mother for some distance, but always returns to the "safe harbor". The child is ready for such a short separation only when he feels safe. This security allows the child to explore the world around him, share his emotions, ask for help and protection from an adult.

Parting

The experience of separation, like attachment, is just as important for a child's development.

It is important that there is someone next to the child who can comfort and reassure him, so that separation, although painful, does not become destructive for the baby. The real danger lies in the fact that the child may be in a situation where separation becomes unbearable for him. Depending on age, a child may react to the absence of a mother (or a person replacing her) in different ways. Children may scream and cry to get attention, they may become more restless or passive.

Until a certain age, the child does not have an understanding that if he does not see his mother at the moment, then she continues to exist. This often frightens children, they may react to the absence of a mother with protest. Many mothers are familiar with the time when their one-year-old or one and a half year old baby did not even give them the opportunity to close the bathroom door, and they constantly hear his indignant or frightened cries. However, the fact that the mother always returns gives the child the opportunity to understand over time that he will never be abandoned, will not be left alone. Some children do not show serious protest when they are left without their mother for a while. They behave quite quietly, so that others may not always understand that the child is frightened. However, when the mother returns, the child rushes to her, sobs bitterly, or is naughty for a long time. Young children cannot express their feelings in words. Their crying or whims may mean that the feelings that have accumulated during the absence of their mother, they can only express to her.

If the child had to deal with a long separation, for example, in the case of the hospitalization of the mother, then the situation can be very difficult. The child may be very worried, he may have difficulty sleeping, eating, it may be very difficult to comfort him. Families that face these situations may need the help of professionals such as psychologists or other professionals to help loved ones find a way to comfort the child. Such assistance can reduce the negative impact of separation on the further development of the child.

A child's tolerance for separation depends on several factors. These are the qualities of affection, the age of the child, the stage of his emotional development, as well as his individual characteristics. An important factor is also the characteristics of the person who replaces the mother during her absence.

As the child grows older, the mother gradually no longer reacts so sensitively and immediately to his manifestations of discontent. If the mother does not respond to those small difficulties that the child is able to cope with on her own, then by doing this she helps him in solving the main task of development - the need for psychological independence. To successfully overcome many emerging difficulties, the mere presence of an adult is often important for a baby, even if this adult does not take any action.

Some people believe that children need painful lessons so that they can continue to cope with the cruelty of this world. Yes, some difficulties are necessary, but it is secure attachment that helps to better cope with the difficulties that arise. A child will be less adaptive to a changing situation if his early attachment is not secure enough. Difficulties that may arise in the process of forming an attachment

Although the formation of attachment is a natural process, in some cases this process is not easy. We have already noted that both an adult (most often a mother) and a child contribute to the formation of attachment.

Thus, difficulties in the formation of attachment can be due to both the characteristics of the mother and the characteristics of the child. Some experts, faced with the fact that a mother wants to abandon a newborn child, conclude that this woman can never become a mother. There are many different factors that can lead to child abandonment. This may be a difficult personal experience for the mother, when she herself did not have the opportunity to form a secure attachment.

Some mothers lack self-confidence. Some women are themselves in a difficult social or emotional situation at the time of the birth of a child. It is important to understand what lies behind the declared unwillingness of the mother to accept the child. The mother may have conflicting feelings about the child. Many women, despite the serious problems they face, can still be helped, and first of all they need kindness and understanding.

Morozova Tatyana Yuryevna, clinical psychologist, consultant for the development of services for families with young children, the EVO Group

Adopted child. Life path, help and support Tatyana Panyusheva

How attachment is formed

How attachment is formed

The formation of attachment in infants occurs due to the care of an adult and is based on three sources: meeting the needs of the child, positive interaction and recognition(adapted from A Child's Journey through Placement, 1990) by Vera Fahlberg.

satisfaction of needs

Cycle "excitement - calm":

Regular and proper care of an adult to satisfy needs leads to the stabilization of the infant's nervous system and the balancing of the processes of excitation and inhibition. If the child had to wait too long to be paid attention to, or experience persistent neglect, if he experienced a lack of warmth in infancy and got used to getting his way with a long persistent cry - in all these cases, children are characterized, firstly, by high anxiety in relationships with adults . Secondly, they expect and involuntarily reproduce the way they interact. Both can be perceived by adults as negative behavioral manifestations or even as developmental disorders. But in fact, this is a consequence of deprivation, and adults will need considerable time and patience to change such early and unconscious behavioral patterns of the child. Another important point is that with proper care according to the reactions of adults, children first learn to recognize their needs, and then remember what needs to be done to satisfy them - this is how self-service skills are gradually formed. Accordingly, children from dysfunctional families, where the needs of children are neglected, lag far behind in self-care skills from peers who are well cared for. And what is often perceived as "uncultured" is actually the result of interaction with adults.

In infancy and early childhood (before the age of three), attachment easily arises in relation to the one who constantly cares for the child. However, the strengthening or destruction of attachment will depend on how emotionally colored this concern is.

"circle of positive interaction"

If an adult treats the child warmly, the attachment will grow stronger, the child will learn from the adult how to interact positively with others, that is, how to communicate and enjoy communication. If an adult is indifferent or feels irritation and hostility towards a child, then attachment is formed in a distorted form.

The quality of care for the child and the emotional attitude towards him affects the basic sense of trust in the world, which is formed in an infant by 18 months (Erikson E., 1993). As a result of maltreatment, children can have a distorted perception of themselves. One 8-year-old boy, who experienced systematic neglect and abuse in his birth family, after being placed in a foster family that loved him, told his foster mother: “Sometimes I feel like I don’t exist.” Children who experience emotional rejection in early childhood experience distrust of the world and great difficulty in maintaining close relationships. It is important to remember this for both professionals and foster parents who face difficulties in forming attachment in some children in foster families.

Confession

Recognition is the acceptance of a child as “one of us”, as “one of us”, “similar to us”. This attitude gives the child a sense of belonging, belonging to his family. Parents' satisfaction with their marriage, their desire to have a child, the family situation at the time of birth, the resemblance to one of the parents, even the sex of the newborn - all this affects the feelings of adults. At the same time, the child cannot be critical of the fact of recognition. Unwanted children, rejected by their families, feel inferior and lonely, blame themselves for some unknown flaw that caused the rejection. One boy said about himself: "I am deprived of parental rights." This very accurately reflects the essence of the experience of children who believe that if their parents allowed them to be taken away, then they (the children) were not of particular value. That is, for the child, the point is not that there was something wrong with the parents, but that they, the children, are "to blame themselves."

Attachment characteristics (according to D. Bowlby)

– concreteness- attachment is always directed to a particular person.

– Emotional richness- the significance and strength of feelings associated with attachment, including the whole spectrum of experiences: joy, anger, sadness.

– Voltage- the appearance of an object of affection can already serve as a discharge of the baby's negative feelings (hunger, fear). The opportunity to cling to the mother weakens both discomfort (protection) and the very need for closeness (satisfaction). Rejective parental behavior reinforces the child's manifestations of attachment ("clinging").

– Duration The stronger the attachment, the longer it lasts. A person remembers children's attachments all his life.

– Attachment – innate quality.

– Ability to establish and maintain attachment relationships with people limited: If, for some reason, before the age of three, the child did not have the experience of constant close relationships with an adult, or if the close relationship of a young child was broken and not restored more than three times, then the ability to establish and maintain attachment may be destroyed. Also, in some cases, the ability to establish attachment relationships may be impaired due to the hostility or coldness of adults. This means that the need for attachment as such remains, but the opportunity to realize it is lost.

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