When we hear the word "violence", we first of all imagine an aggressive person using force on a weaker one. However, violence can manifest itself not only in the form of physical aggression, but also in the form of psychological pressure and coercion. And many psychologists are sure that emotional and verbal violence is much more dangerous for a person than physical, since it does not cripple the body, but the psyche and. A person who is regularly subjected to psychological violence gradually loses confidence in himself and his "I" and begins to live with the desires and attitudes of the aggressor, making efforts to achieve his goals.

Signs and types of psychological abuse

Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is not always obvious, since it can manifest itself not only in the form of screaming, swearing and insults, but also in the form of subtle manipulation of a person’s emotions and feelings. In most cases, the goal of the one who uses psychological violence is to force the victim to change their behavior, opinion, decision and act as the aggressor-manipulator wants. However, it should be noted that there is a separate category of people who use psychological violence and pressure in order to morally break the victim and make her completely dependent on their will. To achieve their goal, the aggressors use the following types of psychological violence:

Protection from psychological abuse

Psychological pressure is easiest for people who do not have strong personal boundaries and do not know how to defend their own rights. Therefore, in order to protect yourself from psychological violence, you must first of all, designating for yourself your rights and obligations in each of the spheres of life. Next, you need to act according to the situation, depending on what type of psychological violence the aggressor uses.

Opposition to the lover to command

When faced with a commanding and ordering person, two questions need to be asked: “Am I obligated to follow this person’s orders?” and "What happens if I don't do what he wants?" If the answers to these questions are “No” and “Nothing bad for me,” then the self-proclaimed commander should be put in his place with something like this: “Why are you telling me what to do? It is not my duty to carry out your orders." Further orders and commands should simply be ignored.

Practical example: Employees A and B work in the same office in the same positions. Employee A regularly transfers part of his duties to employee B, without providing any counter services in return. In this case, the opposition to the aggressor will look like this:

A: You are just printing out something, well, print out my report, and then put it in a folder and take it to the accounting department.

B: Do I work here as your secretary? It is not my job to print your documents and deliver them anywhere. I've got a lot of work to do, so take care of your report yourself and don't distract me, please.

Protection from verbal aggression

The goal is to make the victim embarrassed, upset, stressed, start making excuses, etc. Therefore, the best defense against verbal aggression is not to live up to the aggressor's expectations and react in a completely different way from what he expects: to joke, remain indifferent or feel sorry for the offender. Also, an effective way to protect against such psychological violence is the method of "psychological aikido" developed by the famous psychologist M. Litvak. The essence of this method lies in the application of depreciation in any conflict situations - smoothing the conflict by agreeing with all the statements of the aggressor (as a psychiatrist agrees with everything that the patient tells him).

Practical example: The husband calls names and tries to humiliate his wife every time he is in a bad mood. Protection from psychological abuse in this case may be as follows:

M: You don't know anything at all! You are a disgusting hostess, you can’t even clean the house normally, there is a feather lying under the sofa!

Zh: Yes, I'm so clumsy, it's so hard for you with me! Surely you know how to clean better than me, so I will be grateful if you help me clean the house next time.

Confronting Ignorance

It is important to remember that intentional ignoring is always manipulation, so you should not give in to the pressure of the manipulator and try to appease him so that he changes his anger into mercy. A person who is inclined to be constantly offended and “turn on the ignore” in response to any actions that do not suit him needs to be made clear that playing silent is his right, but he will not achieve anything with his behavior.

Practical example: Two sisters live in the same apartment separately from their parents. The younger sister (M) has been used to manipulating her older sister (C) since childhood. In cases where M does not like something, she begins to deliberately ignore C and triple her boycott. Countering psychological pressure in such cases is as follows:

S: I'm leaving in a week for a business trip for two months.

S: This business trip is important for my career. And nothing will happen to you in these two months. You are not a small child - you will find something to entertain yourself with.

M: Does that mean? Then you're not my sister anymore and I'm not talking to you!

Confronting the psychological pressure of duty or guilt

Strong personal boundaries are a reliable defense against the pressure of feelings of guilt and duty. Knowing the boundaries of his rights and duties, a person can always determine what is not included in his duties. And if a person notices that his boundaries are being violated, he should directly inform the aggressor about the limits of his responsibility and duties and make it clear that the manipulation has failed.

Practical example: A single mother (M) is trying to forbid her adult daughter from leaving to work in another city, putting pressure on her sense of duty. The response in this case could be:

M: How can you leave me alone? I raised you, raised you, and now you want to leave? Children should be a support for parents in old age, and you are leaving me!

D: I'm not leaving you - I'll call you, come to visit and help you with money. Or do you want me to lose the opportunity to get a high-paying job and not be able to fulfill my dreams?

M: What are you talking about? Of course, I want the best for you, but I will feel bad without you!

D: Mom, you are an adult, and I believe that you can find many interesting activities for yourself. I promise that I will call you regularly and visit you often.

Confronting bullying

Hearing from a friend, relative or colleague phrases with the meaning "if you do not do something, then misfortune will happen in your life" or "if you do not change your behavior, then I will do something bad for you", you need to ask yourself a question whether the threat is real. In the case where intimidation or threats have no real basis, the blackmailer can be invited to bring his threat to life right now. If your life, health or well-being and you are sure that he can fulfill the threat, then it is best to record his words on a voice recorder or video camera and then contact the police.

Practical example: Employee A has not fulfilled his part of the project and is trying to intimidate employee B to do his job. To resist pressure in such cases, you can do this:

A: Why are you going to leave if the work on the project is not finished yet? If we don't finish today, your boss will fire you. Do you want to be unemployed?

B: I have done my part of the work. I don't think I'll get fired for not doing your job.

A: The boss doesn't care who does what. He wants a result. So help me if you don't want to be kicked out.

Q: Do you think? Why wait until tomorrow? Let's go to the boss right now and ask him to fire me for refusing to do your part of the job.

Many people are aware that psychological violence is used against them, but they do not dare to fight back for fear of spoiling relations with someone who likes to command, manipulate or insult. In such cases, you need to decide for yourself what exactly such relationships are valuable for and whether it is better not to communicate with an aggressive person at all than to regularly endure his insults and act to your detriment, succumbing to his blackmail and manipulation.

DO NOT SHARE YOUR ENERGY!

Every day we encounter people who, although they do not put their hand in our pocket, are aiming for something that no amount of money can buy. Our vital energy is constantly being stolen from us, but why this happens and how to short-circuit a presumptuous vampire - we, alas, were not taught in schools.

YOU - to me, I - to you

It is no longer a secret to anyone that a person is not only a material body, but also the sum of energies, many of which have been known to scientists for a long time: these are the electrical radiation of the brain, neutrons and neutrinos that make up atoms, and, of course, bioenergy or bioplasma .
Bioenergetics argue that people always exchange energy, even when they sleep or are silent. We subconsciously feel the interaction of our energy field with someone else's and react by changing either mood or physical condition. If it’s easy and pleasant for you and a person, if you have something to keep quiet about, then your energy exchange is fine, you “feed” each other, and both benefit from it. But if you feel irritation, a sharp loss of strength, anxiety, or even sudden pain, then there is an energy devourer next to you.
Everyone needs bioenergy, like blood and lymph. But sometimes it is sorely lacking. There may be several reasons for such a shortage. This is a serious illness, old age, severe fatigue. However, nothing exhausts people as much as negative emotions: irritation, anger, greed, anger, guilt, jealousy. It is they who create "holes" in our energy field, and it is through them that power "flows out". And having lost a lot of their energy, people inevitably begin to look for how to replenish its reserves.

VOLUNTARY HELP FOR A VAMPIRE

Notice how exhausting a simple morning bus ride can be. Dozens of the same aggressive and tortured citizens, standing next to you, are just waiting for someone to pour out irritation on and from whom to “intercept” the missing energy. The more you are subject to the general mood, the more you run the risk of being "eaten" by your fellow sufferers.
In calm, joyful people, the biofield is balanced and resembles a golden egg - it is difficult to break a hole in such a “shell”. But it is precisely in this that the starving “vampire” sees his task, so he will try to unbalance the potential victim. The recipe is simple: they will try to piss you off. In a fit of anger, you yourself will throw out emotions and with them - most of the energy.
You can also get the desired “treat” through fear: fear forms “holes” in a person’s aura. Penetrating through them, the energy glutton begins his feast.
Often we lie down on the sacrificial altar voluntarily! “I have no one to turn to but you”, “I am so unhappy” - which of us, seeing the tears of her friends, was in no hurry to console? And now you have opened up, and your energy is leaving you, like from a pierced gas cylinder. After working with a "vest" you always feel terrible fatigue and indifference to everything.
However, you can find an unwitting vampire in an even closer environment. If you fall for accusations, they say, you are a bad mother or an unworthy daughter, then you lose strength in self-flagellation. This opens the way for a vampire relative.
None of those close to you sets a goal - to take away more energy from you and harm you. This happens on a subconscious level. The positive aspect of living together is that the family automatically “feeds” us with energy if necessary.

SOMETHING IS WRONG

No matter how harmonious the energy balance of a married couple is, no one is immune from unexpected failures. Anxious wives feel that something is wrong with their husband, but they cannot understand what is wrong. In most cases, seeing that a man has begun to invest less personal energy in a relationship, the wife “makes a diagnosis”: she has fallen out of love.
Do not rush to sound the alarm and make claims. Think about what these changes may be related to: maybe the husband began to get tired at work or falls ill, the crisis situation at work and problems with relatives could be the cause. Often a man just needs rest, psychological comfort or solitude. So help him.
But a scandal is the most reliable way to pump out more vital energy from a person. The emptiness that you subsequently experience is not at all caused by an exchange of offensive words, but by the loss of a significant amount of strength that went into feeding the screaming one. And if it is you who are the regular instigator of scandals, then we can safely say that you “eat” at the expense of your husband, son, father, etc.
In many families, scandals become a frequent occurrence due to the fact that spouses do not know another way to exchange energy. Meanwhile, he is in a simple conversation, and in making love, and in joint walks.

FLOWERS OF LIFE

Children under 3-4 years old can be identified as a special risk group: they have weak energy protection, therefore they are highly dependent on the mood of their parents. True, they restore their energy balance faster than adults.
Children and adolescents are not recommended to spend a lot of time with the elderly, because with the rare exception of old age, everyone experiences a great lack of energy and automatically draws it from where it is easiest to get it.
And if the child has become unreasonably naughty, weak and pale, the reason may be in the vampire who is nearby.

SEX HEALS!

In order not to turn out to be either a robber or a victim, you need to monitor your energy potential: regularly replenish it, control emotions and stress, make sure that you constantly have at least small positive impressions.
And there are several ways to maintain the correct energy balance. For example, through relaxation, yoga, meditation. Prayer and other methods of immersion in oneself or turning to higher powers are very powerful means. Recall that sex is one of the most ancient ways to exchange energy: the merger of yin and yang creates a very special being - self-sufficient and happy, which does not seek anything, does not aspire anywhere and is in bliss.
Paradoxical as it may seem, but physical activity (running, exercise equipment, swimming, etc.) can also energize. The main thing is not to overdo it. If possible, walk barefoot on the grass, contemplate fire or flowing water, and indulge in nature trips. Communication with trees and flowers restores your peace of mind.

FOOTBALL, BATH, BEER…

An old, proven way to make up for a constant lack of energy is to get an animal or decorate your house with flowers. Any plants (with the exception of vines, orchids and many "marsh" species) and pets not only delight the eye, but also heal the soul.
The energy invested in communication with friends will not be wasted. The fields of like-minded people work in the same rhythm, calming and complementing each other. So, gatherings with friends are necessary for your health just like your husband needs football, a bathhouse and beer.
Don't forget about cute little hobbies and your own corner of the house, where everything is saturated only with your energy and there are no extraneous influences: even if this tiny saving paradise fits only in an armchair.

Gingerbread Man, Gingerbread Man, And I'll Pick You Up!

But what to do when you have already become the object of attack and the starving "vampire" clicks his teeth at your nose? First of all, try to put up a barrier between you. A chair, a tree, a fence or a dog on a leash will inevitably cool the ardor of the "glutton". In case of failure, increase the distance separating you.
If you failed to meet the danger while standing, and the adversary took the next chair or settled down at your table, cross your arms in front of your chest, interlace your legs or show this person a blow (so as not to inflame passions - behind your back or in your pocket). Old grandmother's methods work flawlessly.
If there is no way to stop the energy drain immediately (for example, it is caused by a parent's illness or a child's growth difficulties), make this process conscious. Mentally send your loved ones not irritation, but love. Think of your mother or angry husband, mentally repeating "I love you and wish you only the best." Oddly enough, but the grumbling will immediately stop, the anger will subside. And you, by sharing your love, will not lose anything: the one who gives love receives it many times stronger.
By the way:
Bioenergy claims that our shortcomings are rings and loops for which the vampire, throwing his tentacles, pulls our energy. And if there is nothing to cling to, it will not hook. So to be good, kind, sweet means to ensure your own safety.

Lyudmila MOVRINA, bioenergy therapist

HOW TO RESPOND TO OTHERS' AGGRESSION?


“How sometimes you want to approach a person
and say: “Take off the aggression from your face, people around…”
As they say, you cannot live in society and be free from society. And we are all social people, meeting with a mass of other people every day. And every day we all have to deal with the issues of interaction with this mass of other people. And, preferably, such an interaction, after which you don’t feel like a “squeezed lemon”. One of the most common problems of such interaction is foreign aggression.
No one is immune from this, so everyone periodically has to wonder, how to resist someone else's aggression? How not to accept it or how to protect yourself from it?
What should be the position inside so that it simply does not occur to people (even the most notorious "louts") to cling to you and behave aggressively towards you?
Or, if you ask the question in a different way, how do people who rarely encounter the aggression of strangers differ from people who constantly experience its effects on themselves?
I'm not talking about those moments when you are carelessly hurt in line or on the subway, when a cashier who is tired during the day allows herself to talk to you in an annoyed tone, or a person causes aggression by accidentally stepping on his foot.
I am talking about those moments when people purposefully, with full awareness and understanding of what they are doing, behave aggressively towards other people, deliberately “rude”, speak out, push, in general, provoke a person to respond.
I’ll make a reservation right away that never, under any circumstances, aggression appears “just like that” out of the blue, there is always a reason for its appearance. It's just that often this reason is not visible to the naked eye, and a person himself may not realize that he himself is the provocateur of someone else's aggression.
In what form can someone else's aggression manifest itself:
In the open. Everything is clear here, these are attacks from absolutely strangers, “rudeness” in transport and on the streets, “grandmothers-bulldozers” from the Soviet past, a neighbor is an aggressive drunkard, various kinds of people from the lower social stratum, people who are used to solving their problems in an aggressive way.
Hidden. Often friends and girlfriends “on the rights of friendship” allow themselves aggression. All this is expressed in impartial statements, advice that was not asked for, in various kinds of “disservices”. And often this is not realized by the person - the aggressor. He is in full confidence that he is "helping" his friend. All sorts of remarks, statements, criticism, just clinging to a person, seasoned with sauce “I know better how you live and what to do”, and aimed at making the person comfortable with such a “friend”, and doing what he wants . Also here can be attributed people who consider the rest of the "cattle" not worthy of attention. Such people always and everywhere behave like "kings", do not take into account other people's opinions, but they do this not in an open form, but showing with all their behavior. They just have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance.
In both cases, a person who has been subjected to someone else's aggression feels "drenched in slops", feels guilty for not being able to defend himself, feels humiliated, insulted, "unsettled".
Who are these people who constantly fall under the influence of foreign aggression? Or maybe not constantly, but periodically, and this complicates life.
Firstly, these are people who themselves have a lot of aggression inside, but who have prohibitions on its manifestation. A person realizes this aggression through the release of aggression from other people.
Here you can draw an analogy with people who are afraid of dogs. The dog feels this subconscious fear and bites or barks at just such a person. The same thing happens in the case of foreign aggression. The energy, internal state of a person is such that he “attracts” aggressors into his life. The people around feel, unmistakably single out the one who can be “naughty” by the position of the body, voice, facial expressions, appearance, demeanor, and so on.
Thus, life gives back. After all, people receive only what they have in themselves, but what they are afraid to admit, or what there are internal, very strong prohibitions.
Suppose a child grew up in an intelligent family, where it was impossible not only to show discontent, to look “wrongly”. And the educational process was aimed at suppressing the personality, all kinds of manifestations of discontent, up to a ban on being in a bad mood. This is just one of the examples.
Or families with fathers who are alcoholics, when children, under pain of physical violence, are afraid to anger their father. Imagine a child who grew up under conditions of constant physical abuse and moral humiliation. Such a child, due to his physical weakness in front of an older person, is simply forced to suppress the aggression inside.
Or a child grew up in a family where all problems were solved with the help of shouting, swearing, scolding. And even in adulthood, such a person experiences panic fear, panic, loss before talking in raised tones or rudeness. Up to various phobias.
Many examples can be given, but one thing unites such people.
These people are victims.
The aggressor needs to “drain” aggression, this is obvious, but only to the one who will NOT be able to respond. On the Victim, whose own aggression is suppressed. And since, as a rule, the aggressor inside himself is a Victim (the same suppressed one), he “feels” the same Victim in another person. And even if the Victim starts to “snarl”, then she will do it from the state of the Victim. And it will not lead to any positive result.
Secondly, people who attract aggressors suffer, most often, the so-called “Rejection Trauma”.2
These are people who themselves seem “too big” in this world, they try to take up as little space as possible in it, they are afraid to seem uncomfortable or interfere with someone. They just psychologically do not allow themselves too much, for example, a higher salary, a more convenient and comfortable place to work, a big house or a car. Liz Burbo talks about this injury in her book. Here's an excerpt:
To be rejected is a very deep trauma; the rejected feels it as a renunciation of his very essence, as a denial of his right to exist. Of all five traumas, the feeling of being rejected appears first, which means that the cause of such a trauma in the life of a person appears earlier than others.
A suitable example is an unwanted child who was born “by chance”. A striking case is a child of the wrong sex. There are many other reasons why a parent rejects their child. It often happens that the parent has no intention of rejecting the child, nevertheless, the child feels rejected for every, even petty, reason - after an offensive remark, or when one of the parents experiences anger, impatience, etc. If the wound not healed, it is very easy to stir it up. A person who feels rejected is biased. He interprets all events through the filters of his trauma, and the feeling of being rejected only intensifies.
From the day the baby feels rejected, it begins to develop a runaway mask. This mask manifests itself physically in the form of an elusive physique, that is, a body (or body part) that seems to want to disappear. Narrow, compressed, it seems to be specially designed so that it is easier to slip away, take up less space, not be visible among others.
This body does not want to take up much space, it takes the form of running away, escaping, and all its life it strives to take up as little space as possible. When you see a person who looks like a disembodied ghost - "skin and bones" - you can expect with a high degree of certainty that he is suffering from a deep trauma of a rejected being.
A fugitive is a person who doubts his right to exist; it even seems that it is not fully embodied. Therefore, her body gives the impression of an unfinished, incomplete, consisting of fragments poorly fitted to each other. The left side of the face, for example, may differ markedly from the right, and this can be seen with the naked eye, there is no need to check with a ruler. When I talk about an “incomplete” body, I mean those parts of the body where whole pieces seem to be missing (buttocks, chest, chin, ankles are much smaller than calves, hollows in the back, chest, abdomen, etc. ),
Not to be present, so as not to suffer.
The first reaction of a human being who feels rejected is a desire to run away, slip away, disappear. The child who feels rejected and creates a runaway mask usually lives in an imaginary world. For this reason, he is most often intelligent, prudent, quiet and does not cause problems.
Alone, he amuses himself with his imaginary world and builds castles in the air. Such children invent many ways to run away from home; one of them is an expressed desire to go to school.
The fugitive prefers not to be attached to material things, because they can prevent him from running away when and where he pleases. It seems as if he really looks at everything material from the top down. He asks himself what he is doing on this planet; it is very hard for him to believe that he can be happy here.
The fugitive does not believe in his worth, he does not put himself in anything.
The fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave at the same time, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. And in the family, and in any group of people, he is stewed. He believes that he must endure the most unpleasant situations to the end, as if he has no right to fight back; in any case, he sees no options for salvation. The deeper the trauma of the rejected, the stronger he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he is rejected or himself rejects.
And when a person with a "trauma of the rejected" goes out into the street, he often becomes the object of aggression of others. Again, such a person is in the state of the Victim, and people simply “mirror” this state to him.
Thirdly, people who suppress retaliatory aggression in themselves, "swallow" someone else's, do not allow themselves to give an adequate rebuff to the aggressor, are often victims of point, not constant, sudden aggression. For example, many cannot give an adequate rebuff to the boss's aggression. What happens next? A person suppresses a reciprocal aggressive impulse in himself, but this impulse requires compensation, so a person can “break loose” on loved ones in order to compensate for aggression. The one on whom they “broke off” transmits this aggression further until this impulse reaches the source of aggression (that is, the boss). This is how it always happens.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. — Keen Hubbard
So, we decided who, most often, those people who constantly experience the action of someone else's aggression. Now the natural question is what to do about it.
How to resist someone else's aggression?
Deal with yourself.
If a Victim “climbs” out of you - so obvious that it attracts aggressors, then you need to understand where this Victim came from. Whether you have “rejection trauma” or origins in your childhood, you need to understand exactly where you blocked your permission to respond and work in this direction. You need to understand that a person has the right to defend himself and respond to someone else's aggression. But it is more desirable to get rid of blockages and traumas, and then people will reflect your new attitude to you. How to do it?
Understand that someone else's aggression is not your problem.
These are the problems of the attacking aggressive person. It is HE who needs to “drain” aggression, and you just got in his way, and he wants to take advantage of this. And it is desirable to understand this not from the state of the Victim, but from the state of understanding that the “boor” is restless inside and he needs to put his spiritual excrement somewhere. And he is looking for such a "colostomy bag" in other people. Do you want to be a "colostomy bag"?
The mere understanding of this already contributes to separating you from the state of the Victim, which means it removes the aggressor's appetite for such “tasty” energy for him. After all, a person who behaves aggressively does it purposefully in order to receive the energy of attention directed at him. Separating your state from the state of the aggressor will allow you not to react too violently, which means not to let him recharge with your emotions.
Give an answer to the aggressor in an acceptable form.
This item disappears on its own when a person learns to be in a different internal state, the state of "boa constrictor". In the meantime, the recommendations are as follows.
If a person directs aggression at another, then he is subconsciously ready to receive it in response. Therefore, it is necessary to respond to aggression in any case, everywhere and always. Your self-esteem will thank you later. You need to respond to aggression with adequate aggression, you don’t even want to eat, even if it’s not typical for you, even if you know that you will lose time and effort in this conflict. Adequate rebuff consists in an immediate reaction aimed at showing that aggression has been noticed, and you will continue to rebuff if necessary: ​​“Be careful”, “Be careful”, “Talk to me in a polite tone”, “You hurt me” , "Stop yelling at me", and so on. Moreover, this should not be said in a trembling voice, but in a calm, confident tone, if possible looking into the eyes. Show that you do not need conflict, but you can stand up for yourself. No need to be "rude", shout back, you will not achieve anything by this, you will only accept other people's rules of the game on a foreign field. But if a person takes the situation into his own hands, then he controls the situation, and not she manages it. By the way, if you do not answer anything, then this is the same as accepting someone else's rules of the game.
At the same time, the goal of retaliatory aggression is not to get satisfaction and win against the “loud”, to be cool and put him in his place. That is, the goal is not to win in "rudeness". The goal is to not be harmed by aggressive people, to remain inwardly calm and knowing that you were able to stand up for yourself. Do not feel like a "colopymium" afterwards.
All these recommendations are good when aggression directed at you suddenly overtakes you, you are not prepared for this, and you need to react quickly. But all your life you will not walk in a state of “combat readiness”, therefore, in principle, you need to achieve such an internal state when it simply does not occur to people to attack you out of the blue.
What needs to be done for this?
Learn to defend your boundaries.
Always and everywhere you need to learn to defend your boundaries. By analogy with the state. A normal state will always severely suppress attempts to violate its borders, both explicit and implicit. Only, unlike the state, the boundaries of a person are more easily controlled by him. And if the border of the state can still be violated and go unnoticed, then if the borders of a person are violated, our built-in self-esteem system will always signal this. This can manifest itself as anger, protest, irritation, for example, when loved ones get into your life without your permission, dissatisfaction is possible, and other manifestations expressed on an emotional level. Basically, everyone has experienced this.
Any person who has violated your boundaries should receive an adequate response. Even the closest people, parents, wives-husbands should know that you will not allow your boundaries to be violated. This does not mean that you should go into swearing and “rudeness”, or a disregard for the requests and criticism of relatives. You can always pick up words, not without reason Russian - great and powerful - and explain what you don't like, that without your permission they are trying to make you convenient for others.
Learn to be in a state of balance, calmness. In a "boa constriction" state.
This does not mean at all that if you have been subjected to aggressive attacks from another person, then you need to stand in "nirvana" and not react in any way. No, the state of balance means that even if you are silent in response to “rudeness”, not because you suppress aggression in yourself, but because it does not cling to you in any way, and it is so “indifferent” to this aggression that even too lazy to respond. But this is a reason to think, because, as I said, an aggressive impulse does not form out of the blue.
Usually, the internal state of calmness with unreasonable “rudeness” is violated, and if you swallow an insult or suppress reciprocal aggression in yourself, then the internal state of calmness will be violated even more. Therefore, you need to answer, but from a state of balance, NOT a Victim, NOT a “loud”, not because you need to answer, but only so that the aggressor would be silent, and “whatever it was.”
You need to learn to be in a state of "boa constrictor", which, in which case, can bite off your head. And if another person suddenly decides to “merge” aggression on you, then you will no longer be a “rabbit” who is afraid and cowardly. You will be at least an equal “boa constrictor”, and somewhere you will even surpass an aggressive person in terms of energy. And he will understand that you will not let yourself be offended, and will simply bypass you on the “tenth road”.
What NOT to do in case of someone else's aggression?
"To be rude", to swear in response. The first place in the “rudeness” competition is far from the best prize. And yes, it is not environmentally friendly.
Shut up and "swallow". In this case, consider that you yourself have made an energy breakdown. For a long time you will be indignant and swear "to yourself", grind this situation inside, getting annoyed with yourself, and blame yourself for not repulsing the impudent one.
Keep silent and internally "accept". In this case, you allow your boundaries to be violated by anyone who comes to mind. And it feels like you become a "colopyemnik" that anyone can use.
Once again, I want to repeat that never, under any circumstances, an aggressive impulse arises just like that. If aggression is directed at you, it means that you suppressed it inside instead of responding to it and compensating for this alien aggressive impulse.
And on the aggression suppressed inside, you “pulled” aggression from another person, in order to throw it out and not become a dump of complexes. We can say that this is how the “circle of aggression” works in nature. A person is forced to suppress aggression inside when he cannot give an adequate rebuff, when his boundaries are violated, when there are unprocessed injuries that need to be worked out.
Aggression is the only adequate response to one's own helplessness. — Baghdasaryan A
The ideal case for a person is in a “boa constrictor” state, so that it would not occur to others to direct their aggression against you.
Learning to be in "nirvana"
Olga.
P.S. The book I talked about in the article is Liz Bourbeau's Five Injuries That Keep You From Being Yourself.
HOW TO RESPOND TO OTHERS' AGGRESSION?

Sigmund Freud

The topic of protection against aggression worries a lot of people, especially those who have directly encountered its manifestation and become its victim. This is, without a doubt, a very important topic that needs to be well understood. Each person must be ready to competently, in an organized manner, without losing self-control and without fear of anything, to fight any aggression, no matter who it comes from. He may not have a choice - it is not always possible to run away, hide, or simply give in and surrender to the aggressor, hoping for his mercy. Most often, aggression has to be fought in order not to fall victim to it. But you need to do it competently, wisely, with a cool head. Much is in your hands - you will either win if you act correctly, or lose if you make a mistake. In this article, I will tell you about how you can protect yourself and protect your loved ones from someone else's aggression.

There is a rule in politics that emphasizes the territorial and political independence of the state - this is the doctrine of national security. It is the protection of national security in any state that is given absolute priority over all other policy issues. And this is not surprising - the question of self-preservation is always the main one. And I believe that every person who, as they say, does not give a damn about his own fate and the fate of his relatives and friends, especially children, needs to have a similar doctrine of personal security, which will include the definition of the most likely types of threats with which a person and his relatives may encounter and appropriate ways to protect themselves from them. We live in a world that is far from being the friendliest, in which often those with some kind of power overwhelm and harm those who are weaker. In childhood, many of us were convinced of the great role played by physical strength, with the help of which you can set your own rules for those who are weaker, and in adulthood, money and connections are power, they determine a lot in it. The greatest power is the human mind, the smarter you are, the stronger, because you can do a lot. It is thanks to their mind that people manage to seize a large amount of resources and influence other people. All this must be taken into account in your doctrine in order to know what you can oppose to this or that form of aggression.

So, what do you do if someone shows or tries to show aggression towards you. First of all, you need to find out what kind of aggression you are facing, how strong the aggressor is, what capabilities he has and what he is ready to do in confrontation with you. It often happens that the aggressor is nothing, but pretends to have great potential and can turn anyone into dust. Do not give in to threats - your fear can cause you great harm. When a person is afraid, he makes a large number of mistakes and unreasonably loses ground, making the aggressor stronger and more courageous. Always study a person, his capabilities, look for as much information about him as possible in order to understand what he really is. Then you will be able to build an adequate line of defense, including in the form of a retaliatory attack. Of course, if you are faced with a whole system - with an organized criminal group or government agencies that illegally put pressure on you, then there is not much to study here, because it is already clear that you need to look for non-standard ways of protection in order not to let the system crush itself. Remembering that the best defense is an attack, you should always look for weaknesses in the enemy, which, believe me, everyone has. In cases where the aggressor is much stronger than you, it is necessary to act asymmetrically. Never try to strike back knowing that you are weaker than the aggressor. This is especially stupid to do in cases where the whole system is opposed to you. Your heroism will not impress anyone, in this life, in situations like this, only the result matters.

So, what should you do if you are faced with someone's aggression and cannot oppose it with symmetrical aggression in response or do not want to do this, and also do not consider it necessary for yourself to make concessions to the aggressor and are not going to run away from him? Let's take a look at your options. The first thing you can try to do is to switch the attention of the aggressor to someone else, that is, to translate the arrows, so to speak. This is one of those manipulation techniques that can allow you, at a minimum, to gain time, and at a maximum, to redirect someone else's aggression in a direction convenient for you. But do not think that you can simply force another person or group of people to switch from you to someone else. This is in principle possible, but in order to use this technique, it is necessary to identify the reason for the manifestation of aggression by people against you. When you know the true cause of aggression, you will be able to appropriately interest the aggressor in switching to someone else, showing him or the usefulness, profitability of such a switch, or pointing him to the person who is to blame for what the aggressor accuses you. That is, knowing about the motivation of the aggressor, you can direct his aggression in the direction you need. The simplest example: the boss accuses you of something and wants to fire you, because of some mistake you made. In this case, try to find someone else to blame and convince the boss that it is not you who are to blame, but the other person, other people. This is an elementary technique, many people use it. Only you need to do it competently, so as not just to make excuses and blame other people, but to do it very convincingly - calmly and with evidence. And if bandits ran into you in order, for example, to take money from you or “squeeze” your business, then you can try to switch them to a bigger “fish”, giving them a tip on, for example, your competitor, with a detailed description of those opportunities , thanks to which they can, as they say, “unwind” it. Here, of course, details are very important. I'm just pointing out to you the possibility of using this technique to protect yourself from aggression, but in order to use it successfully, you need to analyze a lot of details of your situation. Keep in mind that this method of manipulating the aggressor needs to be individually adapted to each specific case. And you either need to adapt it yourself to your situation, or resort to the help of various specialists - advisers.

Let's look at another way to protect against aggression. It consists in involving a third party or even several parties in the conflict and thus using other people's resources to fight the aggressor. In everyday life, this is called asking for protection from someone. But it may not always be about the protection that needs to be asked for. It can also be about the use of other people's interests for their own purposes. That is, you may be interested in a third party to help you deal with the aggressor, and not just ask her for protection. In childhood, if someone constantly offends a physically weak guy, then he can find a friend among strong guys and become useful to him in some way, so that he protects him from offenders. In world politics, it is in the order of things to have strong allies. Small and weak states maintain a certain connection - economic, political, military with strong states and are under their protection. When military conflicts occur between countries, the ability to attract allies, especially strong allies, is one of the most important tasks for the warring parties. So is a person - the more useful connections he has, the easier it is for him to use them to protect himself from aggression. And in order to acquire these connections, it is necessary to be interesting, profitable, useful to other people. People willingly help those in whom they see benefit for themselves. So draw a third party into your conflict with the aggressor in such a way that it is beneficial for her, the third party, to help you. Life is so arranged that in any business you need to take into account the personal interests of other people in order to cooperate with them, count on their help, support, protection. Otherwise, even those who are formally obliged to help you in some way will not do it. Therefore, learn to interest people, learn to be useful to them, so that if necessary, use them to fight aggressors.

Another good way to protect yourself from aggression is to join the aggressor, go over to his side, become his ally, partner, even a junior one, and in some cases, someone he can use for some business, some work. That is, you need to try to negotiate cooperation with the aggressor, even if it turns out to be not very beneficial for you. This is true in cases where you cannot openly resist someone's aggression and you have nowhere to run. And by joining the aggressor, you can either completely avert the threat from yourself, or at least buy time to develop a plan for a more effective fight against it. It is clear that joining someone who opposes you is not so easy. Here it is necessary to take into account both the motives and the interests of the aggressor in order to competently fit into them, so to speak. You need to interest him in something in order to agree on cooperation with him. And in order to do this, you need to know about his goals, plans, desires, problems. Sometimes such an attachment to the aggressor is like a betrayal, if, say, a person goes over to the side of the one who is stronger, leaving those who are weaker. But, firstly, it is a personal matter of the person himself, whom to betray, and who to be betrayed. And secondly, you can betray only those to whom you yourself are dear, and who does something for you. And if people do nothing for you, if you are an empty place for them, then you do not owe them anything - neither loyalty, nor devotion, nor honesty. So you can join a stronger one, an aggressor, when you have no one else to protect except yourself and your interests, or when it is simply profitable to do so. The ideal option is to make friends with the aggressor. This will allow you to turn him from your enemy into a friend. However, this is a very difficult task. To do this, you need to be useful to the enemy, so that he sees the benefit for himself in friendship with you. After all, as I wrote above, it is interesting to be friends with those from whom there is a benefit. But you can also become a temporary partner, an ally for the aggressor. You can offer him to join forces to achieve some important goal for him, pointing out his usefulness in this matter. Or you can invite him to “be friends” against someone, against some of his enemy, competitor. In general, the options may be different. The main task is to join the aggressor, go over to his side, become part of his team. Look for this opportunity if you have no other way to protect yourself.

And finally, the last option for protecting against aggression, which we will consider, is the ability to warn it in advance. This is the most difficult option, but also the best. You can resort to it if aggression against you has not yet been applied, but you admit such a possibility. Thinking now about what you will do if you encounter this or that threat, you can not only develop a plan of action in advance, but also psychologically prepare yourself for the fight. This is important in order to, faced with aggression, act competently and calmly, and not on emotions. Of course, it is not easy to think about what not only does not yet exist, but also what one would not like to face. But you have to do it – you have to prepare yourself for struggle, rivalry, competition, hostility. This is part of our life. As a matter of fact, for this I wrote above about the need for you to develop a doctrine of personal security. If you want to feel protected and not just feel, but really be protected from many types of threats, then do not avoid thinking about them, start your fight against aggression in your head, working out various options for protecting against it, including in the form of a response. attacks. Your readiness to fight will serve you well at the very moment when you need it most. No wonder the famous Latin phrase says: “If you want peace, prepare for war.” Let's see what you need to do to prepare yourself to deal with aggression.

1. Study human psychology in order to understand people, understand their motivation, know about their weaknesses and problems. This will allow you to properly deal with them.

2. Master the skills of manipulating people in order to counter primitive brute force with subtle and flexible cunning at the right time. Manipulation is a great power. All military tactics and strategies are based on it.

3. Learn the laws that you can use in life. Knowing the most important laws will allow you to use the resources of the state to protect against aggression and defend your interests. It is also useful to have a personal lawyer so that, if necessary, resort to the services of a trusted and reliable person.

4. Make connections with helpful people so that you can use them to solve your problems. This is one of the most important tasks in life for any sane person.

5. Get any weapon available, in some cases it may be your only way to defend yourself against someone else's aggression. An armed man is a strong and free man. A weapon gives a person additional rights and forces other people to reckon with him.

6. Strive to earn more money in ways that are acceptable to you. The advice, of course, is banal, but in this case, I urge you not only to earn a lot, but also to save a certain amount of money in order to use it at the right time to solve your problems. Money, although not all problems can solve, but in many situations they are very useful. Because a lot of things in our life are bought and sold. Just remember that without developed thinking, without the necessary knowledge, money will not bring you much benefit, since you still need to be able to properly manage it. In our case, you need money to solve problems with it, so you must have savings for this purpose, and not in order to consume.

7. And of course, work out various scenarios for the development of events in your life, thinking through your actions in a variety of situations that are hostile to you. Think about what you will do if you find yourself in a dangerous situation for you.

As you can see, friends, there are many ways to resist someone else's aggression. I have named just a few of them. But in reality there are many more ways. The main thing you need to understand is that any form of aggression that you may encounter in life can, and I believe, should be adequately repelled by you. A person who is determined to fight, who wants to protect himself from various threats in every possible way, will always be able to do this. Therefore, never give up, do not give up and do not despair, so as not to allow evil to easily defeat you.

Rudeness is different from rudeness, arrogance and impudence,
that it is invincible"
Sergey Dovlatov

“Ham, hamuga, hamovshchina is a brat,
abusive nickname for lackeys, serfs or servants”
Vladimir Dal

Some time ago, on the air of Radio Liberty, there was a discussion of writers and public figures concerned about the widespread rudeness in Russia. Remembering Soviet times, the program participants tried to find the key signs of rudeness. After a rather interesting discussion, they agreed that everyone intuitively feels rudeness, but they can’t define it in any way. Having met with him (as well as, for example, with pornography on the screen), everyone understands that this is rudeness (pornography), but why this is so, they cannot say for sure.

This would be a small problem if the rudeness in our lives would become less and less every day, if the rudeness of rulers, leaders and merchants would rapidly disappear. However, no, rudeness is becoming more and more, it seems that technical and social progress only increase the amount of rudeness. The Internet and electronic correspondence, which provide for the possibility of anonymity, are full of rudeness and vulgarity, radio broadcasters consider it good form to publicly be rude to callers to the studio, government and law enforcement agencies are rapidly turning from servants of the people into arrogant boors.

The sphere of private entrepreneurship is not free from rudeness. The “managers” of the trading floor, like a waitress in a dumpling shop, are rude to visitors, and do not notice it themselves. The heads of private firms at training seminars passionately convince psychologists that rudeness and aggression are the best way to manage and motivate staff.

Indeed, it is not easy to give an exact definition of rudeness, but I cannot agree with the fact that it is impossible. Some of the latest developments in applied psychology, as well as the biblical story of Noah and his son Ham, give us some reason to find criteria for rudeness and ways to resist it. Namely, confrontation, since even God failed, despite all efforts, to eradicate boorish offspring.

Perhaps the first case of rudeness in the history of mankind, Ham's disrespectful act towards his father Noah. The story is known to all, but far from unambiguous, and giving rise to many interpretations, fits into just a few dozen lines (Genesis, 9: 18-29). Noah, who came down to earth after the Flood with his wives and sons, among other things, planted a vineyard. Apparently, new to the properties of fermented grape juice, Noah went over and fell asleep naked (although in this situation they usually fall asleep dressed) in his tent. His son Ham, seeing this unsightly picture, honestly told his brothers about what he saw. The same, deeply honoring their father, took clothes, piled them on their backs, and, walking backwards, approached their father and covered him. When Noah overslept, the bashful brothers told about the act of Ham, and the father promised that his fourth son (Canaan) would be given into slavery. Ham did not challenge his father's decisions, he just left silently.

Reading this story has always been strange to me. After all, Ham behaved quite naturally and spontaneously, seeing an unusual picture, he told his brothers about it. Of course, it would be nice to cover your father with something from shame yourself. Although, after the flood, only Noah himself, his sons and their wives descended to earth. There didn't seem to be much to be ashamed of.

I am a small specialist in biblical texts and theology, but this moment causes some bewilderment for experienced interpreters, forcing us to assume a homosexual relationship between father and son or even the castration of the father (Noah lived for another three hundred and fifty years, but he could not, or did not want to produce the birth of a fourth son). The psychoanalyst, of course, would see in this event a struggle for leadership in the family and an attempt to take possession of Noah's wife. Leaving aside this problem for specialists, we note the following. Ham behaved in a natural, even animal way, clearly disregarding hierarchy and social regulation, for which a quarter of his offspring was given into slavery.

It was “ham” or “hamuga” in Russia that was the usual contemptuous appeal to a slave who did not respect the hierarchy and did not know how to behave correctly. Let's try to take a step forward and outline the key psychological conclusions that follow from this story.

Rudeness as slavery

Rudeness blooms in conditions of irresponsibility. For this reason, rudeness is much more common either among servants and slaves who have shifted all responsibility onto their masters, or among bosses that are not controlled by anyone.

Network user hiding behind computer screens; the uncontrolled and uncontrolled owner of a semi-underground firm; an official whose decisions cannot be challenged; a policeman guarding a noble person - they all feel irresponsible, and therefore they are rude more often, bolder and more sophisticated.

Aggression, as the main component of rudeness, flourishes precisely in the conditions of irresponsibility, which gives power or anonymity. Try to clarify with a rude official his last name, position and phone number of higher authorities. See how his behavior changes. He will either by all means try to maintain his anonymity, or he will try to lay down all responsibility, both emphasizing his slavish position.

Rudeness as animal automatism

Ham in the biblical story behaved in a completely natural and spontaneous way. Seeing a curious picture, he hastened to report it honestly to the brothers, for which he suffered. The brothers, on the other hand, told their father, instead of dealing with Ham himself. Although I sympathize with Ham's behavior rather than that of his brothers, Ham's spontaneity and openness are seen by some as a sign of a lack of culture and upbringing.

From the point of view of many theologians, "cultural" behavior requires much more effort from people than automatic animal responses. In the animal world, there are several ways to cope with difficulties. Strong and confident in their invulnerability, animals use aggression, seek to destroy the partner's body, to destroy it. The weak and cowardly use flight and improve their ability to hide and disguise themselves. Particularly cunning numb and pretend to be dead. Some try in every possible way to disgust themselves, to make it disgusting to approach them.

These methods of self-defense are inherent in all living beings, have a very ancient history and therefore work first in humans, do not require special efforts and do not require a high level of culture. Calm and constructive communication requires special skills that some people are simply not trained in. Many people slide down to the animal level of response due to psychological and emotional problems. Aggression gives such people the illusion of self-affirmation, flight - the illusion of security.

Since aggression and aggressiveness are always present in boorish behavior, aggressive actions of a person who feels his impunity and (or) anonymity can be called rudeness.

Here, of course, the question arises of what aggression is, and this question is not as simple as it seems at first glance. There are many psychological theories of aggression, and today there are no uniform criteria for aggressive actions. Very conditionally, aggression can be called the conscious or unconscious desire of a person to violate or destroy the physical or psychological integrity of another. In combination with a slave (low) culture, impunity and anonymity, we get rudeness in the first approximation. If we add here the serious personal problems of a boor, then the main contours of the phenomenon that we are going to confront will be clear to us.

Rudeness as a protest against slavery (an attempt to humiliate another)

The biblical parable leads us to one more thought, which no longer concerns the content, but the causes of rudeness. Since most people tend to strive for personal growth and development, such rudeness can be seen as a protest against the slave state. The flourishing of rudeness under socialism can serve as some indication that if a person is deprived of the opportunity to personally express himself in his personal achievements, celebrated and recognized by society, then he strives to stand out at the expense of humiliating others, abuses any power, using it to humiliate or destroy others.

Aggressive display of strength, dressing in camouflage and obsessive emphasis on one's status, power and strength can also be seen as a desire to get rid of slavery, acquiring boorish and painful forms.

The illusion that everything in the world is arranged according to the “win or lose” principle, that you can win only at the expense of another person, by humiliating or robbing him, makes a person be aggressive, sliding into animal methods of settling those problems that initially have a social, human character. .

Is it possible to resist rudeness?

Rudeness offends and offends many. Systematic rudeness at work turns out to be a problem for people who are sensitive to rudeness. Even random and short-term rudeness, for example, in transport or in the market, can ruin your mood for a long time. Often we cannot eliminate the source of rudeness, and in this sense, rudeness is invincible. We can always change our attitude towards rudeness and our individual way of responding to rudeness. If we want, we will know how to do it. Many times in psychological trainings I saw how people suffering from rudeness, having become acquainted with a very simple technology of resisting rudeness and responding to criticism, began to smile when they met with rudeness, and enthusiastically talked about the changes that happened to them after mastering this technology. The fact is that just as a person depends on the social situation, on the behavior of the people around him, our social environment also depends on our behavior. By changing ourselves, we change our environment, which helps us to change ourselves. You can resist rudeness. You just need to know how and start doing it.

Rudeness and constructive criticism

The strong emotional processes that rudeness causes in some people cause them what psychologists call an anxiety state. People anxiously expect rudeness towards themselves, they are afraid of it and begin to react to completely neutral and constructive criticism as rudeness, trying to protect their personality. As a result, something that is not rudeness at all becomes rudeness in their minds, and they can lose the extremely important and valuable information that constructive criticism carries.

Of course, a very important question arises about what constructive criticism is and how to distinguish rudeness from constructive criticism. There is an answer to this question and it is quite simple. Rudeness aims to destroy our psychological integrity and interfere with our development, constructive criticism is constructive because it is aimed at restoring and (or) developing the personality.

Constructive criticism, even expressed in the form of communication barriers, is beneficial to us, and therefore requires consideration and clarification. Usually, constructive criticism comes either from a person who is competent in his field, or from a close person with whom we have been living together for a long time, and who may know something about us that we ourselves do not notice.

Many firms and professionals pay large sums of money to consultants in order to hear criticism from them. Here, a competent or close person himself and for nothing gives us this information. It makes sense to listen, or at least listen.

We are usually rude to strangers and incompetent people, thus seeking to emphasize their status and increase their significance. One should not take their criticism seriously, let alone worry about it. Of course, I would like to ask, how can one not worry if we hear public insults, if criticism humiliates us and puts us in a stupid position? There may be several answers, at least we always have a choice of at least five possible methods of resisting rudeness.

Ignoring

Rudeness can simply be ignored, that is, do not pay attention to it. The easiest way to achieve this is to pay attention to something else. Try to count how many buttons on a blouse a rude saleswoman has. See how she reacts to it. If she asks why you are staring at her chest, say that when you are rude, you count the buttons on your blouse so as not to accidentally kill your interlocutor.

With delight, look not into the eyes of a rude boss, but a little higher between the eyes. Mentally position that Mount Fuji and begin to admire its beautiful slopes. Pay no attention to rudeness. Pay attention to beautiful things.

"Pink Mist"

Ignoring is not given to everyone, some, for various psychological reasons, are very sensitive to rudeness and unfair criticism and consider it their duty to respond to rudeness. Such people are recommended a technique that we call "pink fog". Its essence is very simple: we paraphrase what we heard from the interlocutor and answer it with the most general phrases, we give facts that cannot be disputed. There are several universal phrases that, with some imagination, can be applied to any boorish statement.

First: All people are different, live differently, are interested in different things, react differently to different events.

How is this phrase applied? Yes, very simple. Here are some examples.

What are you, man, sticking dirty fingers in my tomatoes? (A question that cannot be answered).

• Different people test the ripeness of tomatoes in different ways.

Yes, you crumpled all the goods for me! (Reproach).

(We count the buttons on the blouse) You can’t even touch some tomatoes with your finger, they immediately deteriorate.

You know absolutely nothing, but you want a lot of money. (reproach, insult)

• Some people highly appreciate the level of my competence.

Something I have not yet noticed special competence, but I pay money regularly! (Reproach)

• Some of the effects of my work are felt after a considerable time.

Here is the second universal phrase:

Some of the lasting effects of our work can only be discovered after a considerable time.

Let's add here that different people are able to detect these effects in different ways, and that there are certainly specialists who can teach this, and move on to the third phrase:

Goods of different quality usually cost different amounts of money. The phrase is surprising in its obviousness, and is especially good because it allows the partner to find the answer to the questions that torment him.

Honey, why is the exact same TV around the corner for half the price? (hidden reproach)

• Goods of different quality usually cost different amounts of money.

You haven't lifted a finger, and you're already demanding a lot of money.

• Services of different quality usually cost different amounts of money.

I've been paying you a lot of money for half a year, but the effect is not visible!

• Work of different quality usually costs differently, and some stable effects of my work affect after a considerable time.

The psychological meaning of the “pink fog” is that a rude partner drives himself into a dead end, and instead of anger and irritation, we begin to enjoy such verbal battles. Try it and you will see for yourself.

Standing up for your own boundaries

Sometimes rudeness "goes off scale" and we have to defend things that seem to us fundamental. Here we can refer to the right of every person to be what he is, and not to strive to be like hundreds of other people.

In this we can use the following key phrases:

• It is part of my personality (life, family, beliefs), and I do not intend to give it up.
• Or: It's not in my rules.

It should only be remembered that people rarely understand the first time, and you will most likely have to admire Fujiyama a couple of times, waiting for the partner to be silent, and repeat the key phrases two or three times.

Sometimes the "British Naval Officer's Rule" helps. First say what you want to say, then say it, and finally say what you just said.

Honey, tonight I will need to help in business negotiations in the sauna on the left bank of the Don.

• I want to tell you that it is not in my rules to conduct business negotiations in a sauna.

So what am I paying you for then? People like you are the sea.

• It's not in my rules to make money in the sauna with men. This is part of my beliefs, and I do not intend to give up on them.

I'm really thinking about whether I should keep you at work.

• It seems to me that I said that I am paid money for skilled work during working hours. I am glad that our conversation took place at the beginning of my professional career.

Aerobatics - find a funny and funny phrase that will amuse you and your rude partner. Here, unfortunately, it is not possible to prepare anything in advance. Humor is embedded in the situation, and very specific. If you manage to remain calm and joke in response to boorish behavior, then we are only happy for you.

Justified criticism

If criticism comes from a person close to you or a competent person, then we recommend using a scheme for responding to constructive criticism.

It is very simple and extremely effective, although it requires emotional balance, self-confidence and calmness.

Step one: Listen without interrupting your partner.

Step two: What exactly does this manifest itself in?

Step three: What do you think needs to be changed?

Step four: Thank you very much for telling me about this, I see you as a competent person.

If your partner is not able to say exactly what caused his indignation and what needs to be corrected, then you should suspect him of incompetence and move on to the “pink fog”.

So, different people behave differently when they find a drunk and naked father in the house, but some positive effects of their actions are felt after a very significant time, giving rise to the development of applied behavioral psychology. Probably, completely eliminating rudeness from our lives is a difficult task to achieve. But to learn to resist rudeness, while maintaining self-confidence and equanimity - the task is quite achievable.

Although, of course, goods of different quality cost different money.

Aggression is a concept that is interpreted unambiguously in our culture: destructive behavior that brings physical and moral damage to people. Aggressive - angry, inadequate, stupid, dangerous to others. Is it so? Is it possible to reduce aggression to only one value? From a psychological standpoint, no. And aggression is not evil. Or rather, not always evil.

Aggression as a property of the psyche is well studied in Gestalt therapy. This is a direction in psychological counseling created by the German psychotherapist Fritz Perls in the middle of the 20th century in the USA. The focus of the Gestalt therapist is a person, his contact with himself and the outside world to meet needs.

The task of the Gestalt therapist is to help the client recognize their true desires, defense mechanisms that interfere with healthy contact with the world. Aggression is understood as a key resource for improving the client's life. This is an impulse from within a person to the outside, to the outside world, and it includes not only behavior in a conflict situation, but also sex, eating food, scientific discoveries, and so on.

Unusual look. In a modern conformist society, aggression is suppressed in most cases. This leads to passive-aggressive behavior and misunderstandings between people. There is another extreme - an inadequate, unlimited expression of aggression, when a person constantly enters into conflicts and is generally unable to hear others.

The discourse spoke with a practicing Gestalt therapist, the founder of a popular scientific community about psychology MANGO Project Evgeny Veritov about the psychological problems associated with aggression and how to learn to use this valuable resource.

What is aggression in terms of the Gestalt approach?

In general, aggression in Gestalt refers to our energy, an impulse that is directed to the outside world so that we can satisfy our needs.

We mobilize the resources of aggression in order to defend our borders from the influences of the outside world or, conversely, to violate someone else's. The concept of aggression is often confused with various feelings - for example, anger. But do not put an equal sign between them. Anger is a particular example of the content of aggression, and far from being the only one.

Imagine a mother who forcibly wraps her child in warm clothes in a very positive temperature. He is uncomfortable, he does not want and he does not need it. But mom does it anyway, being sure that she cares. Although in fact it violates someone else's border.

Therefore, to summarize, aggression is just an outward impulse with which we defend our space or change someone else's. There is no negative meaning in this concept initially. Moreover, there can be even more positive meaning in it. A person who does not know how to show aggression will be noticeably less satisfied in life than one who knows how. If only because the first one does not know how to defend their interests and needs, and the second one knows how.

With what problems in the field of aggression do people mostly come to you? Is it the inability to express oneself, to defend the boundaries, or vice versa - inadequate behavior?

I will speak only for my practice: I meet people much more often whose problem is precisely in insufficient aggressiveness.

These are people who find it difficult to enter into a confrontation with someone - with relatives, superiors, acquaintances. Who find it difficult to evaluate themselves positively, for example. Adequate self-esteem also requires aggression. If I consider myself cool and am not ashamed to admit it, then I may find myself in a conflict situation. There is always a risk that someone may try to challenge my attitude towards myself, and it will have to be defended. And this also requires the ability to show aggression.

Often people come who are afraid of being uncomfortable and make some decisions to the detriment of themselves. Those who are overly aggressive, in my experience, were significantly less.

Tell me how to help a person manage aggression? What do you help clients realize, how do you guide them through changes?

It all depends on the specific situation. But in general, I help the client notice his own feelings: resentment, anger, annoyance, irritation. Because if a person is prohibited from childhood from some feelings, then he will still experience them, but it will be difficult to notice this in himself, only at peaks.

My task is to help the client see and admit to himself that these feelings exist, and that they need to be managed somehow. So as not to suppress, but at the same time so that all those close to him do not run away.

Stories from practice. How has the client changed their life by learning to express aggression?

There are a lot of stories, but in fact, there is no “history” in them - everything is as mundane as possible.

Someone has finally begun to build boundaries in relations with their parents and stopped allowing them to do what they do not like. Some started taking more money for their work. Someone has stopped constantly criticizing themselves. Someone has changed the format of relationships with friends or even changed the social circle to one that suits him.

I repeat, there are no particularly interesting stories, they are all ordinary, life.

Which of the historical figures and fictional heroes, in your opinion, had healthy aggression?

I'm definitely not ready to talk about the health of historical figures. From fictional - Ostap Bender. but here the controversial arguments on the topic of his asociality begin.

In general, healthy characters are boring, they don’t write much about them and they don’t shoot anything about them. Think of any character who said "no" to something they didn't like, wasn't afraid of being thought badly of, and wasn't shy about acting in their own interests. Here is an example of healthy aggression. Yes, the same Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story.

How do you learn to express aggression? What can you do yourself, without a specialist?

Everything can be done without a specialist. It just might take longer. A good habit is to pay attention to your own feelings. Including some small reactions: What is happening to me now? Is it discomfort? What is he? I am angry? For what? Am I irritated? Etc.

You can also "revise" your own prohibitions on aggression. There are a lot of different classic formulations: “aggression is bad”, “aggressive people are bad and stupid”, “if you are aggressive, you will be like a gopnik Vasya from the next entrance”, “people don’t like aggressive people, you must always be good” and so on. . These restrictions are worth working with.

And what about self-flagellation? It is essentially self-directed aggression. Should he learn to fight back too?

Yes that's right. [Founder of Gestalt therapy, Frederick] Perls believed that we do to ourselves what we do not allow ourselves to do to others. And in many situations this is an accurate statement.

Sometimes it seems to me that if I treated others as I sometimes treat myself, then everything would end in constant conflicts.

If a person does not know how to direct aggression outwards, then he will direct it at himself: criticize, compare with others, set draconian requirements for himself ... If in childhood a lot of domestic aggression was directed at a child, then he will unconsciously take that form of attitude to himself, which his parents offered him. That is, they used to criticize him, but now he is an adult and can criticize himself.

You also need to work with auto-aggression, and also engage in confrontation. Only not with someone external, but with that figure that presses. Roughly speaking, it is necessary to confront the image of mom or dad, who sits in the head and says: “look at Kolya, Kolya is a good fellow at his age, but you are not a good fellow”

The last question, just about the skill of confrontation. Passive aggression is the inability to express oneself, an attempt to shift responsibility to another person for one's own boundaries and comfort. What is the danger of such a habit and how to get rid of it?

Danger is probably a very strong word. But there is indeed harm in this. First of all, that passive aggression creates a lot of hidden tension in contact, which is difficult to resolve. This is such a cold war in which it is impossible to discuss the terms of a truce, because formally there is no war.

Passive aggression is often either manipulation (of varying degrees of awareness), or simply the only available way to express aggression for that person who forbids himself to express it openly. And how to get rid of it - learn to express your discontent openly. Speak up if you don't like something and listen to what the other person has to say.

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We are often told - manage your anger, be accepting, become a mindful Buddha. But how can you take an insult? Or violence, emotional and physical? There are things you can't take - it's like taking HIV and not treating it. Therefore, aggression is the "dark side of the Force", it allows us to protect ourselves and get our own. But learning to express aggression in a socially appropriate context is hard work.