Everyone has secrets, life circumstances that you would not want to let random people know, and just unpleasant topics that you would not like to discuss. If your life arouses curiosity and interest among others, this does not mean that you are obliged to reveal your soul to each of them.

“Why aren’t you having a baby?”, “Are you getting a divorce?”, “Haven’t you married yet?”, “Didn’t you marry her?”, “Do you have something with her (him)?” - these and similar questions often spoil the mood and make you want to end the conversation, or even fall through the ground. It is worth going on about the interlocutor - and after a few minutes you will begin to regret that the conversation has taken the form of a discussion of your personal life. In addition, often such forced frankness becomes an occasion for gossip.

In such cases, do not be embarrassed. Boundaries need to be clearly defined. for which the interlocutor should not go, and make it clear.

People ask tactless questions for different reasons. We can always feel in the question of the interlocutor - he does it out of stupidity or in his desire to ask an uncomfortable question lies envy, gloating, insidious intent. Based on this, you should choose a line of conduct in which everything you say to the interlocutor will never be used against you. In other words, you should be prepared for such a situation so as not to go into your pocket for a word.

If in front of you is a person, in general, sincere, and asked a question out of the simplicity of his soul (or rather, out of stupidity), it is enough to gently put him in his place. Here, a reproachful, perplexed look and a short one clearly work: "Well, you give ... to ask such questions." If the relationship is trusting, you can say: "Let's not talk about sad things", "It's difficult." You can safely notice that you do not want to discuss the topic of interest to the interlocutor at the moment. The main thing is not to let the interlocutor catch on to an awkward moment, and smoothly transfer the topic of conversation to something neutral.

If you have a person in front of you who asks a question regarding your personal life, holding a stone in your bosom, you can answer more. "And why such an interest in my nondescript person"? Or: "Do you want to talk about it? Do you think we have similar problems?"

If the question put you in an awkward situation, try to skillfully return the "pebble to your garden" - answer the question with a question. “What, did your boyfriend leave you?”, “Do you care about my personal life?”, “Do you keep candles in all bedrooms or just in mine?”, “But what, prying into other people's business is in the order of things for you?” - such formulations will confuse and confuse the impudent interlocutor. Do not be afraid of your own malice - it works flawlessly, and in the future you will protect yourself from unpleasant curiosity. It is important to remain icy calm and give the face an expression of mocking irony. As they say - smile, people are insanely annoying!

If the interlocutor is behaving impudently, you can say: "I will announce my press conference when I find time for this. In the meantime, write down all the questions on a piece of paper, prepare for this event properly." However, if the interlocutor is unpleasant for you, you can smile wholeheartedly and, looking straight into your eyes, confidentially say: "Of course, I don't want to offend you, but this is my dog ​​business."

The main thing is not to show that you are offended by an awkward question. Smile, joke, turn on your wit at full capacity. Your sense of humor of those who treat you sincerely, and gossip and ill-wishers will scare away for a long time.

Children are natural philosophers. Their inquisitive mind, comprehending the world around them, constantly experiences surprise and curiosity. Adults can help develop a child's desire for knowledge, or vice versa - unconsciously drown out. It is important to treat the child's questions competently so as not to nullify the child's curiosity.

Instruction

Note that usually the child asks his questions to someone he trusts. Often it becomes an adult who will always listen to him carefully, give a detailed and interesting answer to any child's question.

Children's questions to adults have different motives. First, think about the reason for the question. Maybe the child is looking for a reason to involve an adult in his problem and emotional state, to call for a serious conversation.

If these are cognitive questions, then it is not necessary to give exhaustive answers to them. Full disclosure will only extinguish the craving of children for their own reflections. And sometimes the questions of children confuse parents, letting adults know that they are not able to answer all of them. Do not be ashamed of ignorance, but arrange with your son or brainstorm, arguing together over some kind of dilemma.

Always consider the age of the child, the level of mental development and his life experience. So sometimes a simplistic answer is enough to quench your curiosity and at the same time not discourage you from asking again. Do not go into technical details, refrain from complex terms if the child is still small. Speak his language and remember that full disclosure of some topics will be available to him as he grows.

Don't be embarrassed if you don't know the answer to a question. Make it clear to the child that there are many sources of knowledge besides parents. These can be various reference books, popular science literature for children, competent professionals in their field. If the question is difficult enough, take a break, do not answer the baby hastily. Take a break from business, carefully consider the answer, and only then answer.

If the child's question is related to a gap in knowledge, create conditions for its elimination. That is, jointly observe some natural or artificially created process so that the preschooler himself can understand the essence of its origin. Or read an informative book on the subject together.

Useful advice

Do not be afraid to sometimes admit to a child that humanity still does not find answers to many questions.

Do not turn children into "know-it-alls" in their preschool years. They must retain the novelty and sharpness of perception of knowledge for subsequent years.

Never tell a child that he is too young to know the answer to a question.

Women often hear questions that are difficult to answer immediately and frankly. Curious friends and neighbors, not feeling tact and decency, try to get into the secret, intimate, which causes an ambiguous reaction of the respondent: embarrassment, indignation, confusion, annoyance ... How to properly respond and answer such questions so as not to hurt the personality of the interlocutor and, at the same time, the same time, do not give food for gossip.

A vague answer. If you don't like the question, you have the right not to answer it. But after all it is impossible to be limited to a pause. Be smart. You can answer the question at length.

For example: - How much does your husband earn?

- He has an average salary, but we have enough.

To a question with a question. Another original way to culturally “kick off” a curious interlocutor is to answer a question with a question. It is only desirable to pronounce the question-answer in an indifferent tone, with a slight sarcasm.

For example: - Where will you give birth to your third child?

- Does it really bother you?

(or Do you want to help us educate?)

We include natural. If the interlocutor's question deeply hurts your feelings, translate your indignation into a comic channel: roll your eyes, raise your eyebrows and ask in a plaintive tone to talk about something else. Or playfully say, “Mmm…Next question!”

Tacking. If you do not want to dedicate the interlocutor to the bins of your soul, start the answer from afar, monotonously and with unnecessary details.

For example: - When are you going to get married?

- If you believe, when Venus will pass in my opinion on the fifth lunar day, then ...

Universal answer. With especially annoying interlocutors, a little impudence and directness will not hurt.

For example: How skillfully you ask incorrect questions! Teach me?

Do you really want to talk about it? And here I am not.

I'm sorry, but I can't answer this question for you because it's none of your business.

Often in life we ​​have to hear tactless questions from friends, neighbors, grandmothers sitting on benches at the entrance. Often asked out of simple curiosity, they can spoil the mood for a long time. How to respond to such questions?

Sometimes the question “Have you got married yet?” But asked to a lady over 30, who does not have not only a groom, but even a fan, can cause her an attack of irritation or seriously upset her and hurt her to the quick.

Don't start making excuses. By and large, your personal life does not concern the curious at all. You should not respond with rudeness or aggression, showing that you were hurt to the quick. It is best to laugh it off in this situation, saying, for example, that the knight's horse is lame, so it takes so long to get there. You can start talking about all your unhappy relationships, while giving vent to fantasy. Usually such a confession shocks the interlocutor, and he understands that he has crossed the boundaries of what is permitted by asking such tactless questions. Finally, you can honestly say that you don't want to talk about it.

A good way to solve a problem is to answer a question with a question, while confusing the interlocutor. Let him feel like he's being interrogated. It is unlikely that after that he will want to delve further into your personal life. Don't be afraid to offend the person if they do the same to you.

It happens that a person asks a tactless, inappropriate question for you, simply not thinking that it might be unpleasant for you. If you know that your interlocutor really has such a habit, do not be offended, but simply ignore his words. Do not look for hidden subtext where there is none. You yourself can get into such a situation by blurting something out of place.

Svetlana Rumyantseva

Spending most of your life at work, you want mutual understanding and humanity in relations with the team. The desire is understandable, but not always feasible. Rudeness at work is not uncommon. Business ethics are not supported by all organizations. The transition to personalities and rude behavior hits the self-esteem of the employee, experiences distract from work, and performance decreases.

What is the reason for rudeness and how to resist rude people? You have to master the methods of protection and prevention of inappropriate behavior in the team.

Signs of an unhealthy team

Rudeness at work in many cases is the result of poor management. People in a team unite into a single organism. The behavior of one employee affects the work of others. To respond to rudeness, determine the reason for its occurrence. You need to start with an analysis of the working climate.

Rudeness flourishes where business ethics are forgotten. Defining an unhealthy team is easy. Its main features:

Indifference of employees to work, relationships among colleagues, events in the business life of the team. It is easy to say rudeness if a person does not respect and appreciate colleagues, subordinates or superiors.
Nervousness and irritability. Appears in teams with inefficient organization of work and rest. and rudeness comes out.
Envy of others' success. In a team of envious people and gossips, whispers behind their backs and obvious rudeness in the face are a common thing.
Rejection of new team members. Stagnation is the guarantor of stability. A new employee is a headache and a herald of change. It's easier to crush a newbie with rudeness.
Transferring responsibility. In case of trouble, the members of the collective shift the blame on each other, awakening aggression in their ranks.
Difficult relationship with manager. The boss sets the vector of business communication. If he is rude to subordinates, then an unfavorable psychological situation will develop in the ranks of employees.

In such a situation, the only effective way out is the treatment of the team. It will not work to resist the crowd alone, it will demolish and crush the daredevil. If your work and position are dear to you, you will have to adopt animal laws and work on strengthening the nervous system. When there is nothing to lose, act: transfer to another hotel, start looking for a new job.

Causes of rudeness

Rudeness is rude, harsh and inappropriate behavior. Each person has their own evaluation criteria. An experienced warrior will accept a harsh remark as the norm, unlike a sensitive young lady. Before committing rash acts, take a closer look at the rude person. Determine what ulterior motives drive him.

Desire to stand out

An attention-deficit person tries to win it in any way. It does not matter whether he will receive support and approval, or will be condemned by the collective. Attention is the sole purpose of rude behavior.

self-affirmation

Having humiliated a person with a rude statement, a boor tries. He perceives boorish dialogue as a battle for the right to be the strongest. The driving force behind this person is an inferiority complex.

Rudeness is the output of tension. The nervous system wears out, self-control weakens and negativity spills out on others. One sharp lunge is not worth close attention. But a person, constantly, is a danger to the team.

Heightened self-esteem

Control yourself. Being rude in response to being rude doesn't make you a hero. Think of it as an endurance test. Inhale and exhale slowly. Count to 10. Think of a delicious dinner and a loving spouse at home. Take a break from the annoying actions of the rude. The solution will come by itself.

Speak only after a pause. Don't stop boor. Let them talk.

Focus on the situation. Jumping to conclusions will work against you. There are no universal actions in the fight against rudeness. You will have to think. Don't be afraid to delay. Make the breaks theatrical and exciting. Develop sensitivity. The more subtle you feel the person, the more accurate the answer will be.

Don't forget the positive. The smile is disarming.

Prevention: how to prevent boorish behavior of others at work

An effective prevention against boors will be confident behavior in society and the ability to present oneself.

Don't show insecurity

When a person believes in himself, he deprives the boor of the opportunity to hurt his feelings. Confident people rarely become targets for bullies. Learn to hide your shyness in front of your colleagues and boss.

Do not cross the boundaries of personal and business communication

Be mindful of social roles. Discussing your personal life at work, you reveal weaknesses. It's easier to hurt you. This does not mean that it is impossible to establish friendly relations with colleagues. You must delimit the areas of communication and determine the measure. Excessive secrecy is just as scary as complete openness.

More professionalism

A knowledgeable specialist is harder to offend than a clumsy one. If you are having difficulty performing work duties, resolve them as soon as possible. Create an image of a competent specialist and a valuable employee.

Respect the team

Remember the element of mass. By respecting the values ​​and rules of the team, you will take a worthy place among colleagues and receive support in a difficult situation. Rude people love white crows.

Whatever strategy you choose, keep humanity in your heart. Rude people are people too, no matter how bad they may seem.

March 21, 2014, 03:25 pm

Faced with rudeness, you always want to answer the offender. In a fit of anger, we often do not control our feelings and emotions. This can lead to a number of negative consequences. The easiest outcome of them is a quarrel, and the most negative is a fight. But, you see, to suffer yourself and stoop to assault just because your interlocutor is in a bad mood is at least stupid.

The most correct thing in such a situation is to answer the offender calmly and confidently, but in such a way as to put the boor in his place. To do this tactfully, without spending extra effort and energy, there are special preparations - bold phrases.

Who is ham?

This is the aggressor, attacking and violating your personal boundaries. He tries to hurt the most painful places and at the same time avoid revenge. Scientific evidence indicates that such a person is, in fact, a miserable person with low self-esteem who wants to assert himself at the expense of those offended or ridiculed by him. Here's what you need to know when faced with a boor. Understand and forgive, or even pity an insignificant person or answer with a witty phrase, smiling good-naturedly (not caustically!)

Examples of situations where anger cannot be contained

A decent-looking person who is a boor can be found at every turn today. Often the most common places of its deployment are the following:

1. Marketplaces. The favorite place of a bored, angry person is, of course, a market or a supermarket. In some cases, a pharmacy is popular. Firstly, you can go there as if on a tour and be indignant enough, studying the prices on the shelves. Secondly, knocking around in the crowd is also a nice thing for them. And all this, of course, is accompanied by unpleasant comments addressed to passers-by. By the way, shop assistants also like to be rude.

2. Public transport. The favorite place of all boors is the crowd. And where else can you enjoy the disturbances so much as in the crush of traffic during rush hour? There you pushed, here - you. And as a result, for example, we have a heatedly screaming woman who splashes out her anger on everyone who tries to argue with her. And God forbid you surpass her in this honed skill.

3. Polyclinic. The state institution, where one must definitely stand in line, also knows impudent people. It can be an insolent person who will try to sneak out of the queue. But then he will receive a good verbal thrashing from people waiting in line, among whom boors can also hide.

4. Places of study. Adolescence is famous for the "painful" growing up of children. How is it shown? Bold phrases addressed to teachers, bickering in the classroom at school, lyceums. Teenagers cannot give an objective assessment of what is happening. It seems to them that they already know everything, and adults are a little behind them. Unfortunately, rudeness and impudent phrases in the lessons of high school students are a completely common circumstance. The teacher can put the student in his place, having won authority in his eyes, or not pay attention to what "outgrows" itself.

Daring phrases and expressions: examples

• And it is true that we are all interested in discussing topics that do not concern us at all.
• From a person who is difficult to cheer, you should not expect good.
• I know that crooks succeed, not because of their own intelligence, as they believe, but because of the gullible people around. And to lie, just the mind is not needed. Being honest is a skill.
• I'm terribly embarrassed to tell you this, but I'm not at all interested in how I look in your eyes, sorry. I look great in mine, and that's enough.

• What level of development, such and interests.
• You are so low in communication that, frankly, you are not even visible on the horizon.
• Please continue. When you say such things, I feel so smart.
• I'm sorry, but you can hear bad amber from your mouth.
• And can you bring a drum?
• With such tirades, you can only stand in the corner.
• If you are angry, then you yourself know that you are wrong.
• In this case, your emotions are not identified with the conclusions of your thinking.
• If you don't like me, I let you go underground.

Daring phrases for girls

If a girl does not want to communicate with a guy, but cannot get rid of his annoyingness, or vice versa - she is struggling with his rudeness, perhaps she should use some phrases.

For example:

• Your time in my life is over. Give your pass and get out.
• If you fell in love with me - it's your fault, all you can achieve is my smile.
• Dear, you are right - there has never been anyone like you, there is no more and there is no need.
• What should - I know, it is written in the Constitution. The rest - as I want.
• I'm doing great, so there's nothing to please you.
• Weren't you in the movie "Clowns"?
• I'm not picky, just the best is enough for me.

And what about guys?

Not only girls suffer from annoying boors. Let's look at some cheeky phrases for guys. They can use these statements in response to the rudeness of their peers:

• You are not beautiful enough to be rude to me.
• If you say that, then most likely you have a spare jaw in your pocket.
• Kiss me with a run, I'm standing behind a tree.
• Maybe you are the most beautiful girl in our area, but I'm also interested in communicating with smart ones.

So, the first foundation is laid. Now you know how to respond to rudeness. But in no case do not parry these statements in front of an innocent person. And then in the role of a boor you will find yourself.

First of all, it is worth understanding that it is impossible to constantly silently accept rudeness. If you systematically forgive a certain person for such behavior, then the situation can become quite deplorable. Feeling their own impunity, the boor will go further and further beyond normal behavior.

Therefore, leave the thought that if you do not pay attention to the rude person, he will very quickly fall behind you. Such a position can only succeed with a stranger. But if you see an individual quite often, stop him and tactlessness.

Depending on the situation, your response to rudeness may be ironic. In this case, you will need speed of reaction, the ability to instantly and reasonably respond to the opponent's remarks.

Resist the temptation to fall into an aggressive state and respond to rudeness with her. You will almost certainly feel guilt and remorse later on. Perhaps this is what your interlocutor is trying to achieve. Don't go after him.

Be confident and control your own emotions. You can throw out the negative later, for example, by giving your body a discharge in the gym or training in a pear. Vigorous movements, not aimed at causing any harm to people, help to significantly reduce stress levels.

Ways to respond to rudeness

To get the better of the rude, try to better understand the motives of his indecent behavior. Most likely, behind the rudeness lies the lack of confidence in one's own position and the complete absence of real arguments. Once you understand this, you will realize that you are in a better position than the bully.

When your boss is rude to you, you, of course, have the right to respond to such an appeal at your own discretion. But think about whether a polite response would be better for your career. Remember the simple truth that meekness subdues anger. Use this strategy when talking to your boss.

Another way to respond to rudeness is to directly state to the rude person about your feelings that his behavior causes. There are people for whom rudeness becomes the norm of behavior. Aggression spills out of them all the time. Such individuals do not hesitate to raise their voices and say unpleasant things to others. But sometimes these people do not even suspect how terrible they look from the outside. Perhaps it is time for them to hear about the impression their intemperance makes.

Fragment of the book Kovpak D.V. They weren't attacked! or How to deal with rudeness? - M.: Peter, 2012

How long can you put up with rudeness? In transport, at work, at a party, at home, online, on the street - anywhere! How long can you play the role of a victim? Patiently enduring any inconvenience, any manifestation of rudeness. A well-known psychotherapist and a courageous person, Dmitry Kovpak decided that enough was enough! Read his gripping stories and professional advice on how to deal with rudeness and cynicism. Dr. Kovpak is ready to change the world around him without bending to it! And you?

Basic strategies for overcoming rudeness

Effective countermeasures

Obviously, there are three approaches in relations between people. The first is to consider only oneself and suppress others... The second is to yield to others always and in everything... The third approach is to keep one's interests in mind without neglecting the interests of others.

Only the dead cannot be touched for the living. Each of us has been in situations where we have been wounded or psychologically traumatized. Naturally, there is a desire to punish or teach the offender a lesson or to minimize damage to the reputation and assessments of others.

What exactly to do? Tolerate or respond? How will all this turn out? And a host of other questions are relentlessly spinning in my head. This is not the first time this has happened, and not only to you. How did people who have already faced a similar problem respond to this before?

Once Confucius was asked the question: “Is it right to return good for evil?” To which he replied: "Good must be repaid with good, and evil must be repaid with justice."

Undoubtedly, if you regularly allow yourself to be offended, this can become a habit for your offenders. The desire to make a remark or even break loose with a rude person comes before there is a reason for this.

If you help unbalanced people by regularly giving them a platform to express their irritation, this tactic will automatically work for them. They no longer have to wonder who is to blame for everything.

So, confusing patience and prudence with fear and laziness, you can turn into a local scapegoat.

A person in reality is not as peaceful as he declares it and even as he thinks of himself. Therefore, waiting for your offenders to see the light on their own, admit mistakes and injustices being perpetrated, can be too time-consuming and costly a strategy. Help them realize that they ran into the wrong person.

But do not answer the content of the opponent's speech, but the very fact of his intervention in other than his own business.

Whether there are winners in the fight with rude people is a moot and even rhetorical question. However, if you have already decided on martial arts, then some skills, technologies and useful information will not interfere with you.

Entering into a verbal duel requires a number of qualities and skills:

• efficiency of search and reproduction of information;
• wit, irony;
• resourcefulness, cunning, enterprise;
• the ability to use logic and consistent reasoning;
• mastery of rhetoric;
• stress resistance and tolerance (tolerance);
• noise immunity.

Quite often, people, defending their interests, behave rudely and unceremoniously, mixing the concepts of aggressive, passive-uncertain and confident behavior. The difference in these modes of behavior lies in the fact that, acting confidently, a person does not offend or suppress others, respecting the rights of people to the same extent as his own.

People who know how to properly stand up for themselves are much less prone to stressful conditions in difficult life situations and more often experience feelings of self-satisfaction and self-esteem.

People who act in an aggressive manner actually experience feelings of guilt, inferiority, or self-doubt, and their aggressive behavior is trying to mask these underlying feelings.

The key to confident behavior is to reinforce a new pattern of attitude and behavior in regular practice.

Remember, what you say to a rude person is much less important than how you say it.

In order to successfully put boors and aggressors in their place in any situation, first of all, one must clearly realize the right to the inviolability of one's personality and personal life.

The manifestation of rudeness is, first of all, evidence of a person’s lack of worthy arguments.

“Jupiter, you are angry, so you are wrong,” Prometheus once said to the angry Jupiter, who was ready to throw lightning at him, finding no other answer.

The most ineffective way to respond to a boor is to get emotionally turned on and scream all sorts of nonsense in response. Thus, you become the twin brother of this ill-mannered type and slide down to his level. And most importantly, your emotions will show that his arrows hit the target and stung you.

But sometimes it helps to relieve tension. The cost of such a drop varies depending on the situation and the environment present at that moment, as well as the delayed consequences. Sometimes it is unreasonably high.

Receiving a splash of negative emotions into the water helps much better. Especially when the situation is already in the past, but you still want to “wave your fists”.

Open the faucet and just scream everything that has boiled into the stream of water. At the same time, wash yourself with cool water and go get positive emotions. The conflict is over. You are smarter!

Imagine this situation: you were greatly angered by your boss, who harshly and rudely reprimanded you for a situation that you actually had nothing to do with. After he leaves, you slam your fist on the table, break two pencils, a pen and turn a whole stack of papers into a shapeless mass. Will these actions reduce your anger? And will they save you from the tendency to become angry with the leader in similar situations in the future?

According to the well-known theory of catharsis (purification), the answer in both cases will be yes. When an angry person blows off steam through energetic but harmless actions, the following happens: first, the level of tension or arousal is reduced, and second, the tendency to resort to open aggression against provoking (or other) persons is reduced.

These assumptions go back to the works of Aristotle, who believed that the contemplation of the production, forcing the audience to empathize with what is happening, can indirectly contribute to the "purification" of feelings. Despite the fact that Aristotle himself did not specifically propose this method for discharging aggressiveness, a logical continuation of his theory was proposed by many others, in particular Z. Freud, who believed that the intensity of aggressive behavior can be weakened either through the expression of emotions related to aggression, or by observing the aggressive actions of others.

While acknowledging the reality of such "cleansing", Freud was subsequently quite pessimistic about its effectiveness in preventing open aggression. He seems to have thought that his influence was ineffectual and short-lived. Indeed, watching movies or television programs with scenes of violence does not lead to a decrease in the level of aggression - on the contrary, such an experience is more likely to increase the intensity of aggressive manifestations in the future.

The level of aggression does not decrease if a person takes out his anger on inanimate objects.

Remember how we like to retell the myths about the basements of Japanese corporations, where supposedly employees thresh stuffed animals of their bosses and then calmly and contentedly go to the workplace. If people are given the opportunity to bludgeon inflatable toys, throw darts at images of hated enemies, or smash things to smithereens, it is not at all necessary that their desire to commit aggressive acts towards annoying individuals will decrease.

The level of aggression does not decrease after a series of verbal attacks either - on the contrary, the data obtained indicate that such actions actually increase the aggression of the opponent.

The English writer John Ruskin said, "A gentle answer removes malice."

This is also a technique. Only it requires sufficient hardening and exposure. In order to have the patience to respond politely to evil insults and not lose your temper, not only externally, but also internally. This will require developing a lot of self-discipline.

In extreme cases, you can say a calmly neutral descriptive phrase, for example: “How rudely you just said. I do not like communication in this form / this tone. Sometimes this stops the offender or knocks him down for a while. In any case, you will get a pause and be able to leave the place of the verbal fight with your head held high.

So you eliminate the reason for subsequent returns to the situation in memories, which happens when an unrequited insult is swallowed, with the scrolling of "victorious scenarios" in fantasy - a virtual "waving of fists" after a verbal fight.

The main thing is to maintain inner self-confidence.

Gandhi's mentally said phrase to himself would be appropriate: "They are not able to take away our self-respect if we ourselves do not give it to them." And the conclusions drawn from everyday experience that we often feel better (that is, less agitated or tense) in response to people who piss us off are really justified, as some very serious researchers of aggression claim.

If you have time, let the interlocutor finish speaking without obvious aggression, listen to him carefully, correctly and analytically.

To listen carefully means to perceive the words that are spoken, not to be too distracted by passing thoughts. That's right - to give feedback signals showing that you understand the interlocutor (for example, with a nod). Analytically - to capture the essence of the statement, while simultaneously perceiving information encrypted between words. Listening is a real art.

But there are situations when the interlocutor responds sharply negatively about you or lies. In such a delicate situation, this rule should be abandoned. Quietly interrupt the conversation at the moment when you notice that a lie was told: just politely and correctly correct the interlocutor. But please be brief.

For example, during round-table talks or speaking on the podium, you need to respond immediately - if not with words, then with a negative shake of the head or gestures.

You can react to a negative statement later if it happened during the dialogue, but if a third party or viewers are present, they will wait for your reaction. And the lack of reaction means consent!

Do not be afraid to break the rules and stereotypes if necessary. A smart person chooses tactics depending on the situation.

Question technique is the queen of dialectics. "Who asks, he manages!" - this is how one of the leading rules of the art of conversation is formulated in the form of a slogan.

Questions are often tools of pressure in order to demand information, deepen a topic of conversation, motivate interlocutors, or move a conversation from a material or technical plane to an emotional one. They also serve to demand an explanation, to insist on justice, to cheer up the participants in the conversation or inspire them with something, to demand facts or to specify the statements of the interlocutor.

Therefore, remember the tactics of asking questions. With them you can stop the aggressor and boor. Don't be afraid to answer a question with a question. It is also a powerful tool.

The client asks:

• And why do all realtors answer a question with a question? Realtor's response:
• What do you think?

If someone tells you what to do, makes incorrect remarks, tries to test your knowledge in any area, or gives you grades that you did not ask for, you can fight back in one of the following ways described by V. Petrova.

The initial, most gentle and polite method of self-defense can be described as a "psychological barrier." With our polite and specific remarks, we can delimit our personal space, making it clear to the interlocutor that he is encroaching on someone else's territory. As a rule, already after the first stage of self-defense, most of the aggressors retreat.

Most often, this method is used when strangers or unfamiliar people express their thoughts, comments, or give us advice that we did not ask for.

Here are examples of such responses:

• Thanks for your attention, you don't have to worry about it.
• Please don't worry about our business, we can handle it ourselves.
• Please don't pay too much attention...
• Please don't bother yourself...
• I'm sorry, but is this your business? Don't say "None of your business" - that sounds more rude, and avoid saying "It's my business" because it draws attention to you (puts the spotlight on you) rather than your opponent's behavior.
• A variant is possible - to remind the attacker that only the court or the Lord God has the right to judge, and the aggressor has no right to give assessments to other people. The power of these words lies in the fact that each person implicitly understands that he himself is not perfect and does not have the moral right to tell others. Any critic and boor can be ridiculed for assigning them the role of a judge: “Who are the judges?”
• “On what basis are you asking me these questions?”, “On what basis are you examining me?” - such answers are formalized, but it helps to maintain one's own confidence by association with the power of the bureaucracy and confuse the unbridled boors, who often operate with vernacular. The aggressiveness of this response is significantly muted, and it can be used even in conversations with superiors in case of strong pressure.
• “Let God decide. Or do you want to assume its functions? Whether you're talking to an atheist or a religious fanatic, it will still work. Forwarding "to God" is an effective technique, since everyone understands that by giving an assessment to another person, he clearly exceeds his authority.

It is necessary to distinguish between rudeness and objective criticism.

Everyone makes mistakes, and so do you. If you were criticized on the case (for example, in your point of view you did not take into account some fact, did not notice something, made some mistake or oversight) - thank the critic, for example, with the words: “Yes, indeed, I did not take into account / took into account this fact. Thank you, I will keep it in mind”, “Thank you, I just didn’t notice this”, “I’ll think about it, thanks for the comment / information”.

A number of techniques for rebuffing rude people are based on the principle of transferring attention from your personality to the personality of the attacker.

An example is the phrase of one of the characters in the film “Kin-dza-dza”: “Did someone tell you that you are smart, or did you decide that yourself?”

Another option for switching attention to the personality of a rude person is a description of his actions. Any action of the interlocutor can be presented in the form of a picture, only written not with paints, but with your words.

A person who behaves unworthily, as a rule, does not realize that the ugliness of his behavior and the motives that make him act in this way are perfectly visible to others, or simply displaces understanding of this. Strange as it may seem, it seems to the aggressor that people perceive only his words, but they do not see him (do not evaluate him). Therefore, in order to confuse the enemy, one should describe his behavior in the form of a visual picture, for example: “Do you yourself hear what you are saying?” or “Do you understand how you look now?”

People who like to speak for others, in particular, to broadcast from the position of "highest values", "norms of morality and morality", can also be put in their place.

You should ask the person who, for example, accused you, who specifically was harmed by your actions. If not to him personally, then you are not obliged to talk to him and even more so to report to him. Answer: “We will talk about this with the person whose interests were affected, but not with you.”

If the aggressor claims that you are causing damage to many at once, say: “If you wish, you have the right to apply to the appropriate authorities” (for example, to your superiors, to the house management, to the police, to the court, etc.). But in no case do not get involved in a dispute that you do not need. Do not make excuses, do not report to a person who is not an official, whose duties really include a legal assessment of your actions.

Talking to people who insist that you are harming some third party is not worth it, even if you have irrefutable evidence of your own innocence. Save this evidence in case authorized persons intervene in the case, to whom you really have to report.

The very fact that you have begun to justify yourself to a stranger indicates that you have reduced self-confidence, it is easy for you to feel guilty and you “owe” others too much.

No matter how self-confident and arrogant the boor may seem to you, remember that there are people in the world with whom he is afraid to talk like with you.

Also, a rude person would not dare to behave in such a way if the situation was seen by people whom he fears or whose opinion he values. You can appeal to them: “Why don’t you repeat the same thing to such and such (say the name of this person’s boss, a relative whom he respects or fears, etc.)?”, “You don’t talk like that at work! »

Another option is to refer to virtual witnesses: “What do you think a well-mannered person would do in your place?” (you can give the name of a specific person whom the aggressor respects), “Why do you think other people don’t do this?”

If a person who is on duty behaves unworthily, you can comment on his behavior with the wish that his words be heard by a person who is honored by representatives of this profession.

Once a teacher called a student a swear word. He was not at a loss and said: "May Makarenko and Sukhomlinsky hear you."

Very effective is the so-called method of Milton Erickson (a famous hypnopsychotherapist), who used metaphors and stories that contained a hint or example of the behavior of the person to whom the story was intended.

Metaphor is a kind of indirect suggestion. This word consists of two Greek roots: meta - "through" and fore - "transfer". That is, a metaphor is a means of transfer. What does the metaphor convey? It carries meanings, bypassing conscious controls and barriers.

For example, here is a story about how not everything is as rude as it seems at first glance.

Once a wanderer stopped a walking old man to find out how far it was to the city.

Go on, he replied in a monosyllable. The bewildered wanderer continued on his way, reflecting on the rudeness of the locals. But he had not gone even fifty steps, when he heard:

Wait! The old man stood on the road and shouted to the traveler:

You still have an hour to go to the city.

Why didn't you answer right away? exclaimed the stranger.

I should have seen what step you are walking, - the old man explained.

Or a story about jumping to conclusions.

The knight walked through the desert. His journey was long. On the way he lost his horse, helmet and armor. Only the sword remained. The knight was hungry and thirsty. Suddenly he saw a lake in the distance. The knight gathered all the remaining strength and went to the water. But by the very lake sat a three-headed dragon.

The knight drew his sword and with the last of his strength began to fight the monster. Day fought, the second fought. Cut off two dragon heads. On the third day, the dragon fell exhausted. An exhausted knight fell nearby, no longer able to stand on his feet and hold his sword.

And then, with the last of his strength, the dragon asked:

• Knight, what do you want?
• Drink water.
• Well, I'd drink...

And finally, remember the enchanting film "Formula of Love" and the doctor's calm rebuke to the rogue Cagliostro using illustrative examples from life:

Yes, yes, agreed Cagliostro. - So many tales have been invented about me that I get tired of refuting them. Meanwhile, my biography is simple and usual for people who bear the title of master ... Let's start from childhood. I was born in Mesopotamia, not far from the confluence of the Tigris and Euphrates, two thousand one hundred and twenty-five years ago ... - Cagliostro looked around the audience, as if giving them the opportunity to realize what he had heard. - You are probably amazed at such an ancient date of my birth?

No, it's not amazing, - the doctor said calmly. - We had a clerk in the county, in patchports, where the year of birth, only indicated one number. Ink, rogue, vish, saved. Then the matter cleared up, he was sent to prison, but they did not begin to remake the patchport. Document anyway.

© Kovpak D.V. They weren't attacked! or How to deal with rudeness? - M.: Peter, 2012
© Published with the permission of the publisher