A person's personal space is a physiological and psychological need for a sense of security and comfort.

The need for personal space in a person is as universal as the need for communication and love. A small area around itself should be completely and completely controlled by a person. This makes him feel safe and comfortable. Thus, personal space can be considered the minimum distance at which a person is comfortable with his interlocutor.

What is the size of a person's personal space

How to use personal space in communication

Intimate area - only for the elite

The intimate zone of a person is violated only in two cases. In the first case, the "violator" is our loved one or lover. The second reason for the violation of the intimate zone lies in the hostile intentions of the "violator". The intrusion of an outsider into our personal space leads to certain physiological reactions. At this time, our heart begins to beat faster, a large amount of adrenaline is released into the blood. In other words, our body comes into a state of combat readiness.

Be tactful

If you have just met a person, then you should “approach” him in stages. Any friendly touch or hug in this case can be perceived negatively, even if your interlocutor smiles at you and pretends to like it. You can violate a person’s personal space only after you have established emotional contact with him.

What does a kiss say

By the distance between kissing people, one can judge the nature of their relationship. So, when they kiss, they press tightly with their bodies, penetrating into each other's intimate zone. Strangers kiss in a completely different way. For example, if your colleague or friend decided to wish you a happy new year with a friendly kiss on the cheek, the lower part of his body during the kiss will be at least 15 centimeters away from you. That is, in this case, the person does not violate your intimate zone.

The issue of defining and maintaining the boundaries of the personal comfort zone is of great importance, because. our psychological comfort and safety depend on it. The ability to provide such protection can not only give us peace of mind when we are riding with a stranger in an elevator or squeezed into a crowded subway car during rush hour, but also protect us from the "tricks" of pickpockets, "hypnotists", frotterists and other lovers of large crowds of people.

• If someone unfamiliar is trying to invade your personal or intimate area, take a defensive posture. Take a couple of steps back, cross your arms over your chest, push one leg forward. Your opponent will not only see, but also non-verbally feel that you do not want to let him close to you.
• When someone tries to put pressure on you, invading your personal space, you can use a counterattack. Come closer, put your hands on your hips or waist, tilt your body forward a little, confidently look your opponent in the eyes and ask what he needs. Most likely, the person himself will hasten to retire.
• If someone at work tries to disturb your comfort zone by constantly putting something on your desk or sitting in your chair, create natural barriers. You can put folders around the edges of the table, put a few books and even hang a small poster on the wall. The more personalized your workplace is, the less willing other people will be to encroach on it.
• When you are in a crowd of people, never fuss or rush. Move away from the main flow, go a little slower or faster. If this is not possible, grab your things with both hands and carry them in front of you. This will allow you to get some extra space that no one can squeeze into.
• Do not forget that you need to be able to refuse other people, including even those closest to you. The word "no" automatically indicates that you have the right to make choices and decide what to accept and what not. And this in itself determines the boundaries of your personal space psychologically.
• Be mindful of your time. You should always have at least a few hours a day where you do your hobbies and things that interest you. Self-realization gives confidence in yourself and your abilities, and time “for yourself” allows you to streamline your thoughts. Invading the personal space of a confident person with order in his head is very difficult.
• If we are talking about family relationships, then be sure to create a corner for yourself in the house - where there will be something that belongs to you personally, and where no one but you has access. The psychological climate in the family and even harmony in relationships depend on the presence in the house of one's own physical space for oneself and the household.
• When you're interacting with someone and you notice that the person is getting too close to you, tell them in plain text to keep their distance. Explain that you are uncomfortable when someone invades your personal comfort zone, and point out that the optimal distance contributes to a fruitful dialogue.
• Do not discuss personal problems with strangers. Confidential conversations can be conducted only with those whom you trust. Otherwise, the opponent can easily violate your personal space by using personal information against you - something that can hurt you and unsettle you.
• Some people violate the boundaries of personal space intentionally - to provoke. If you encounter this behavior, try not to respond to provocations. Strive to maintain calm and self-control, increase the distance, remain indifferent (as long as possible, at least).
• When you want to isolate yourself from people in public places, use a simple trick: take a book or newspaper (smartphone or tablet) and immerse yourself in reading. This will create both a visual and psychological barrier between you and those around you. This trick, by the way, is very convenient to use in public transport.
• When communicating with strangers, prevent the possibility of violating the boundaries of personal space in advance. Never shorten the physical and psychological distance before you get to know the person well enough. Otherwise, you risk being, firstly, misunderstood (your actions may be misinterpreted), and secondly, become a victim of violations of boundaries by the opponent.

And a few more recommendations of a psychological nature. Violation of the personal comfort zone often occurs through pressure on feelings of guilt or pity, familiarity or unreasonable criticism. To protect yourself from this, you need to be able to apply methods of psychological protection, such as:

• do not take on unnecessary responsibility;
• do not make unnecessary promises;
• do not let yourself be made a scapegoat;
• not try to be good to everyone and everyone;
• deal with criticism correctly;
• use anti-manipulation techniques.

However, in life it often happens that it simply does not work to stay away from people, and strangers literally invade our personal space with their views, conversations and bodies. But even here we can influence the situation - soften these intrusions and make them less annoying and unpleasant for ourselves. There are also several ways to do this:

• To protect yourself from others, you can set clear boundaries. For example, in the subway or bus, you can stand with your back - the most vulnerable part of the body - against the wall of the car, put a bag, backpack or umbrella between you and your fellow travelers. And if someone begins to stare at you, do not hesitate to look straight into his eyes for a few seconds, and then continue to go about your business.
• If people begin to restrict your freedom of movement or peace of mind (in the same transport or somewhere in a cinema or shopping center), put on headphones. It is desirable, however, that they be large, and not inconspicuous liners. In principle, you can not even turn on the player itself. The main thing is to create a visual obstacle to contact. If you want to abstract from what is happening as much as possible, feel free to turn on the music, but do not forget to remain attentive to what is happening around.
• When you notice that a person in a public place still continues to violate the boundaries of your personal space, you can use a book or newspaper in a more “radical” way - by placing an edge and resting between yourself and the violator of your boundaries. Similarly, it is easy to use a backpack, an umbrella, a bag. But make sure that no one tries to get into the pocket of a bag or backpack.
• Finally, if you have to make your way through a crowd of people, wrap your arms around the bottom of your bag or backpack in front of you and walk forward. This gesture will look quite natural, but at the same time, your elbows will be pointing forward, causing people to try to get out of your way. In extreme cases (if there is nothing at hand), you can cross your arms in front of you, which will act on others in much the same way.

These tips are enough to start mastering the techniques of maintaining the boundaries of personal space. Of course, there are many nuances here, especially those related to the protection of psychological boundaries, and in particular the preservation of personal space in the family and relationships, but we will consider these issues in one of the future articles.

In conclusion, we only add that you should not only be able to maintain your personal space, but also keep your distance yourself. Each person has his own personal comfort zone, and you can find out how big or small it is only by getting to know the person himself closer. Therefore, in communication, follow the golden rule: approaching people, both physically and psychologically, must be done step by step.

The closer you know someone, the warmer your relationship, the more you can close the distance. Remember that the zone of personal comfort is a zone of peace and security of the individual. Do not allow anyone to violate your boundaries, and do not violate others yourself. This will allow you to bring a little more harmony and understanding into life and communication.

Now take a break from reading and listen to what psychologist Olga Amelianenko says about personal space. We think that from this conversation you can also learn something interesting for yourself.

In our Library you can read a review of the book by Ilse Sand. From our review, you will learn about simple ways that will restore your lost emotional balance - you will become less vulnerable, get rid of the anxieties and stresses of everyday life.

Thousands of books and articles have been written about how animals and birds mark and defend their territory, but we have only recently learned that humans also have their own territory. When this became known, much became clear. People were able not only to understand the reason for their own behavior, but also to predict the reaction of their interlocutors.

Let's remember some obvious things...

The American anthropologist Edward T. Hall was one of the pioneers in the study of human spatial needs. In the early 60s, he coined the word "proximics" (from the English proximity - "proximity"). His research in this area forced us to look at the relationship of a person with others in a completely new way.

Each country has a territory that is limited by strictly defined borders, sometimes guarded with weapons in hand. Within each country there are small territories - states, counties, republics. Within these small territories there are even smaller ones - cities and villages, which, in turn, are divided into suburbs, streets, houses and apartments. The inhabitants of each such territory are boundlessly devoted to it and often go to any cruelty in an attempt to protect it.

A territory is a zone or space that a person regards as his own. She seems to be an extension of his body. each person has their own territory. It is a zone that exists around his possessions - a house and garden surrounded by a fence, the interior of a car, a bedroom, a favorite chair and, as Dr. Hall discovered, even the air space around his body.

In this chapter, we will talk specifically about this airspace and about the reactions of people to the invasion of it.

Personal space.

Most animals have a strictly defined space around the body, which they consider private. The size of this space depends on the conditions in which the animal is located. A lion living in the vast savannas of Africa may consider fifty kilometers or even more personal space, depending on the density of the lion population in that area. It marks its territory with urine. On the other hand, a lion living in a zoo, along with other lions, may consider only a few meters of personal territory - a direct result of crowding.

Like other animals, man has his own "air cap", which is constantly around him. The size of this "cap" depends on the population density in the place where the person grew up. In addition, the size of the airspace is also determined by the cultural environment. In countries such as Japan, where the population density is very high, personal territory can be small, while in other countries people are used to open spaces and do not like to be approached too close. But we are talking about the territorial behavior of people who grew up in Western society.

Social status also plays a big role in determining personal space. In the following chapters, we will discuss how far a person prefers to stay from others, depending on his position in society.

Zones.

The radius of the "air cap" around a middle-class white person living in Australia, New Zealand, England, North America or Canada is almost the same. It can be divided into four main areas.

1. Intimate zone (from 15 to 45 cm).
Of all the zones, this is the most important. She is treated as personal property. Only the closest are allowed to invade it. Lovers, parents, spouses, children, close friends and relatives can afford it. The inner zone (that is, closer than 15 cm) can only be invaded during physical contact. This is the most intimate area.

2. Personal zone (from 46 cm to 1.22 m).
At parties, official receptions, friendly meetings or at work, we stand at such a distance from others.

3. Social zone (from 1.22 to 3.6 m).
If we meet strangers, we prefer that they keep just that distance from us. We don't like it if a plumber, a carpenter, a postman, a salesman, a new colleague, or just someone we don't know well, comes closer.

4. Public area (over 3.6 m).
When we are addressing a large group of people, then this distance is most preferable for us.

Practical use.

Other people invade our intimate area for two reasons. First, it can be close friends, relatives or people who have sexual intentions towards us. Secondly, the invasion of the intimate zone can be carried out with hostile intentions. If a person can still endure the presence of strangers in the personal and social zone, then the invasion of the intimate zone causes physiological changes in our body. A person's heart rate increases, adrenaline is released into the bloodstream, blood rushes to the brain, and the muscles tense in an unconscious attempt to repel the attack.

This means that when you hug a person you just met in a friendly way, he may treat you very negatively at heart, although outwardly he will smile and show sympathy so as not to offend you right away. If you want people to feel comfortable in your company, keep your distance. This is the golden rule that should always be followed. The closer your relationships with other people, the closer you can get to them. For example, a new employee may feel that colleagues treat him coldly, but in reality they only keep him at a distance of the social zone. As they get to know him better, this distance will decrease. If the relationship goes well, the new employee will be allowed to invade the personal zones of colleagues, and in some cases even intimate ones.

If two people don't bring their hips together while kissing, that says a lot about their relationship. Lovers always press against each other with their whole bodies and strive to penetrate into the most intimate zone of their partner. Such a kiss is very different from a non-committal kiss during the New Year's Eve or from a kiss with the wife of a best friend. During such kisses, the partners' hips are at a distance of at least fifteen centimeters from each other.

The only exception to this rule is the space due to the social position of a person. For example, the CEO of a large firm likes to spend his weekends fishing with his subordinate. When fishing, they can invade each other's personal and even intimate areas. But at work, the director will keep his buddy at a social distance. This is the unwritten law of social division.

The hustle and bustle in theater foyers, cinemas, elevators, trains or buses leads to the inevitable invasion of intimate areas by complete strangers. It is interesting to observe the reaction of such an invasion.
Here is a list of unwritten rules that Westerners strictly adhere to when caught in a crowd, an overcrowded elevator, or on public transport:
1. You should not talk to anyone, not even your acquaintances.
2. You must at all costs avoid eye contact with others.
3. You must hide your feelings - any display of emotions is unacceptable.
4. If you have a book or newspaper, you must read it completely.
5. The more people, the less movement you have to do.
6. In elevators, you should focus on the floor numbers that light up above the door.

We often think of people who have to commute to work during rush hours by public transport as miserable, deplorable, and depressed. These labels are stuck to them because of the blank expression they keep during the trip. But this is just a common misconception. The observer sees only a group of people adhering to certain rules, due to the inevitable intrusion of outsiders into the private zone in a crowded public place.

If you doubt this, pay attention to your own behavior by deciding to go to the movies alone. When the ticket attendant leads you to the place and you are surrounded by a sea of ​​unfamiliar faces, analyze your own behavior. You, like a programmed robot, will obey the unwritten rules of behavior in public places. As soon as you start to enter into a territorial conflict with a stranger sitting behind you, you immediately understand why those who go to the movies alone prefer to enter the hall only after the lights are out and the movie has already begun. Whether we are in a crowded elevator, in a movie theater, or on a bus, the people around us cease to be individuals. They do not seem to exist for us, and we do not react to the intrusion into our intimate zone, obeying long-established rules of conduct.

An angry crowd or a demonstration united by a common goal acts in a completely different way from an individual if their territory is encroached upon. Here the situation is completely different. As the density of the crowd increases, each person has less personal space, which causes a feeling of hostility. That's why the bigger the crowd, the more aggressive and ugly it is. In such a situation, riots are inevitable. This is well known to the police, who always seek to break up the naga crowd into several small groups. Finding personal space, a person always becomes calmer.

It has only been in recent years that governments and urban planners have taken notice of the impact that dense housing developments have on people. A person living in such an area is deprived of personal territory. The consequences of high density and overcrowding were identified during observations of the deer population on James Island, located two kilometers off the coast of Maryland in the Chesapeake Bay in the United States. Many deer died, despite the fact that they had enough food and water, there were no predators, and no infection raged on the island. Previously, similar studies were carried out by scientists on rats and rabbits. The results were the same. Deer died from overactive adrenal glands, caused by the stress of shrinking personal territory due to population growth. The adrenal glands play an important role in the growth, reproduction and resistance of a living organism. It is overcrowding that leads to a physiological response to stress, not hunger, infection, or the aggressive actions of others.

In light of the foregoing, it is easy to see why crime rates are much higher in densely populated areas than in less populated areas.

Investigators often use privacy intrusion techniques to break down a criminal's resistance during interrogation. They seat the interrogated person in a fixed chair without armrests in the center of the room, intrude into his personal and intimate zone, asking questions, and remain there until they receive an answer. Often the criminal's resistance is broken almost immediately after the invasion of his intimate zone. Managers use the same approach to obtain information from subordinates who may, for whatever reason, withhold it. But if the seller tries to resort to such a technique, he will make a gross mistake.

Rituals related to space.

When a person is given a private space protected from strangers, such as a chair in a movie theater, a seat at a conference table, or a towel hook in a sports locker room, his behavior becomes very predictable. Usually a person chooses the largest space between the two present and is located in the middle. In the cinema, the audience most often prefers a seat in the center between the person sitting in the row and the last chair. In a sports locker room, a person will undoubtedly choose the hook where there is the most space, between two other towels or in the middle between the last towel and the end of the hanger. The purpose of this ritual is very simple: a person seeks not to offend others by getting too close to them or, conversely, moving too far away from them.

If in a movie theater you choose a seat not halfway between the last seated person and the end of the row, that viewer may feel offended that you have sat too far away from them, or frightened that you have come too close to them. Therefore, the main goal of such an unconscious ritual is to maintain harmony.

Public toilets are an exception to this rule. Studies have shown that 90 percent of the time people choose the most extreme toilet, but if it is busy, then the same principle of the golden mean comes into play.

Cultural factors affecting territories and zones.

A young couple who moved from Denmark to Sydney were offered to join a local club. A few weeks after their first visit to the club, several women complained that the Dane was hitting on them. They began to feel uncomfortable in his presence. The men, on the other hand, decided that the young Dane non-verbally lets them know that she is quite sexually available.

The fact is that for many Europeans, the intimate distance is only 20-30 cm, and in some countries even less. The Danish couple felt quite comfortable being at a distance of 25 cm from the Australians. They were completely unaware that they were invading their 46 cm intimate zone. The Danes are used to staring into the eyes of their interlocutors, unlike the Australians. As a result, the owners had a completely wrong impression of the new neighbors.

Intrusion into the intimate zone of a member of the opposite sex is a way that people show their interest. This behavior is often referred to as flirting. If the invasion of the intimate zone is undesirable, the person retreats to the prescribed distance. If courtship is met with approval, then the person remains in place and makes no attempt to keep his distance. What was the norm for the Danish couple, the Australians rated as sexual harassment. The Danes, on the other hand, decided that the Australians were cold and unfriendly, because they always tried to keep a comfortable distance for them.

Spatial zones for urban and rural residents.

The personal space necessary for a person is related to the population density in the zone of his residence. Those who grew up in sparsely populated rural areas require more space than residents of crowded metropolitan cities. Watching a person extend his hand for a handshake makes it immediately clear whether he lives in a big city or comes from a village. Citizens respect their usual 46-centimeter personal zone.

Two men from the city greet each other. Just such a distance remains between the wrist and the body. This allows the hand to meet another person in neutral territory. Those who come from rural areas, where people used to live freely, may consider a meter or even more as their personal territory. Therefore, they reach out in a completely different way, trying to maintain a comfortable distance for themselves. The villagers are accustomed to stand firmly on the ground. Greeting you, they lean towards you with their whole body. A city dweller, on the other hand, will step forward to shake your hand. People who grew up in sparsely populated or secluded places always need more space. Sometimes they are not enough six meters. They do not like handshakes, but prefer to greet each other from a distance.

Such information can be very useful for urban salesmen who go to the countryside to sell agricultural equipment. Knowing that a farmer can consider a personal zone from one to two meters and that he can regard a handshake as a territorial encroachment, an experienced seller will prefer not to set up a potential buyer negatively and not turn him against himself. Experienced salespeople have long noticed that trading is much more successful if they greet a resident of a small town with a detached handshake, and a farmer from a sparsely populated area with a simple wave of a hand.

Territory and property.

A person's property or any place he constantly uses, he considers as personal territory and may enter into a fight to protect it. A car, an office, a house - all this is a territory that has a well-defined border in the form of walls, gates, fences and doors. Each territory is divided into several sub-territories. For example, a woman may consider the kitchen and her bedroom as personal territory in the house. She will not like it when someone invades there when she is busy with her own affairs. Every businessman has his favorite place at the negotiating table, employees often sit at the same table in the dining room, and every father of the family has his favorite chair. To mark their territory, a person can leave their belongings on it or use it constantly.

People sometimes even carve their initials in “their” place at the table, and businessmen put ashtrays in front of “their” chair, put pens, notepads or hang clothes, thereby limiting the comfortable 46-centimeter zone. Dr. Desmond Morris observed that a book or pen left on a table in the reading room would keep your seat unoccupied for 77 minutes, while a jacket hung over the back of a chair gave a two-hour guarantee. A family member can mark a favorite seat by leaving personal items on or near it, such as a pipe or magazine, to show their right to the seat.

If the head of the family invites the merchant to sit down and he quite unintentionally takes "his" chair, the prospective buyer will be so excited by this intrusion into his territory that he will forget about buying and focus only on defense. A simple question like: "Which chair is yours?" - will help defuse the situation and not make a territorial mistake.

Cars.

Psychologists have noticed that people drive their cars in a completely different way than they behave in everyday life. The concept of territory in the car changes dramatically. It seems that the car magically affects the personal space of a person. Sometimes personal space can increase by 8-10 times. The driver feels he can claim 9-10 meters in front of and behind his car. When another car is in front of him, even if the possibility of an accident is excluded, the driver begins to get annoyed, and sometimes even attack the other car. Compare this situation with an elevator. A person enters the elevator, and the one who tries to get ahead of him is already invading his personal territory. But still, the normal reaction in such a situation will be unequivocal: the person will apologize and let the other go ahead. On the highway, things are completely different.

Some people think of their car as a kind of protective cocoon in which they can hide from the outside world. They drive slowly along the side of the road, almost going into a ditch, but nevertheless, they are just as dangerous as those who rush along the left lane, considering the entire road as their property.

Conclusion.

Others may accept or reject you depending on how respectful you are of their personal space. That is why a sociable person who constantly pats you on the shoulder or tries to touch you in the course of a conversation causes subconscious rejection in the interlocutor. When evaluating a comfortable distance for your interlocutor, you should take into account many different factors. Only after that, you can make some conclusions as to why the person kept at a certain distance from you.

Personal space surrounds every person. You can see this with the naked eye by the example of how far we allow different people to approach us. We try to keep strangers away - at a distance of one and a half meters. If a stranger or unfamiliar person crosses an imaginary line - this is an invasion, pleasant or unpleasant - is the second question. Only "friends" can be within a radius of one and a half meters. But a loved one reduces this distance to zero - and this is a sign of trust on our part. In fact, "personal space" has several dimensions: material, spiritual or psychological, and quite intimate. It is here, alone with ourselves, that we can put our thoughts in order, feel inspired, look into our souls, think over plans for the future, talk with our own conscience, heal psychological traumas, calm down and feel harmony and silence in ourselves.

Material boundaries of personal space

Each person has a need for his own things, in his own space, where he feels "at ease", in relative safety. The wider the boundaries of material personal space, the more protected we feel from the outside world. Notice how we feel, for example, in someone else's kitchen. Tension fatigue sets in very quickly. But on our own - we can stay for hours. Personal space begins with your own towel, which no one else touches, a personal fountain pen, a desk, a personal computer, your own room where you can close the door and feel independent, be alone with yourself. Where do the material boundaries of personal space end? Most likely where there is a "common" area where you intersect with those who live nearby. A person who has everything in order with personal space will rarely encroach on someone else's personal territory. However, there are individuals who easily invade, and sometimes subjugate the personal space of another, even if this is fraught with conflict.

Psychological personal space

If everything is more or less obvious with the boundaries of the material space, then the psychological personal space is a subtle and complex concept. You can call it the inner world, in which there are very personal emotions, memories, attachments, love, friendship, personal human values. It would seem that this ethereal area is difficult to penetrate. But in fact, it turns out that doing this is easier than ever. Incorrect questions "Do you want to have a baby?", "Do you sleep with ..." and other questions of a personal nature already mean that your personal space is being invaded. It is especially painful when close people encroach on the inner world. A vigilant mother finds her daughter's diary and publicly discusses the entries made. A loved one is trying to control your thoughts, daily routine, personal correspondence. A jealous wife rummages through her mobile phone or searches your computer for “traces of crimes.” A domestic tyrant (husband, father, brother) criticizes your appearance and forbids you from wearing a dress that is too sexy, in his opinion, or using makeup. Your best friend asks for the details of your intimate life. Constant control can make a person restless, unhappy! In such cases, a person closes, becomes secretive. And not always because of something to blame. It's just hard to live when someone constantly looks over your shoulder into the intimate world, unceremoniously crawls into your soul.

How to behave in order to maintain personal sovereignty?

Have courage and patience, explain to your loved ones, tactfully and delicately, that it is unpleasant for you when they enter your room without knocking, rummage through your things, use your towel or analyze the contents of a bag, computer, mobile phone, wardrobe. Try to convince loved ones who invade your psychological space that such a path will lead to a deterioration in relationships. Draw a bleak perspective - how you will begin to lie, withdraw, hide, hide, protect yourself from contact, as a result of which your annoying "controllers" risk losing your trust, sincere attitude and precious communication, which will become dry and formal. Act boldly without sparing words. Try to become an "artist of the word" for a while! Anyone who tries to subjugate your soul automatically turns into an enemy, and the truth is not told to enemies. And one of the most unpleasant punishments for a person who is forcibly deprived of liberty is total control and surveillance of his personal space - but isn't the family? Don't be afraid to sound overly pathetic. Arguments should be precise and persuasive, but the conversation should not be nervous. Speak calmly and thoughtfully. If they don’t understand you, turn on “Plan B” and block access to your personal belongings and affairs. Conflicts will be forgotten, but the result will please you, you will win a small victory and win back your personal territory.

On the other hand, take a critical look at yourself. Perhaps your behavior is not perfect, and you give reason for distrust? Or maybe you yourself often behave tactlessly, carelessly in relations with other people, grossly violate the boundaries of someone else's space? Taking care of your own independence, do not forget that not only you have personal space.