This test to help determine your partner's narcissism is taken from the French community. In Russian, the terms both perverse narcissus and narcissistic pervert are used. In the translation I have chosen to retain the French analogy, the narcissistic pervert. The pronouns he and she are used here because the word victim is feminine and pervert is masculine, and also because statistically most narcissists are men. But a man may well find himself in the role of a victim of a narcissistic woman, the signs will be the same. NM.

Rene Magritte "The Ignorant Fairy"

With this test, you will be able to identify a narcissistic pervert. If you find 10 to 15 matches, you are dealing with a normal manipulator. If there are more than 15 matches, act immediately to save your existence. RUN! The narcissistic pervert takes joy in seeing you fall and triumph. The victims of the manipulator - the narcissistic pervert - are mistaken in that they are looking for feelings where, unfortunately, they are not there in principle. These are the real crushers that we meet in toxic relationships, but also among friends, colleagues, in our own family.

Compare the 30 items on this test with the personality traits of the person you suspect of manipulating you.

1. Makes the victim feel guilty by reversing roles

Making your victim feel guilty is a maneuver that the narcissistic pervert takes real pleasure in. By transferring his responsibility to his victim, he forces her to admit that she alone is responsible for the situation. Resetting mistakes is the manipulator's forte.

1. Does not express clearly, denies the obvious

It is impossible to accurately understand his requirements, needs, feelings or opinions. He makes it so that his victim is constantly looking for a way to understand him. To do this, he often answers questions ambiguously.

• “You misunderstood, I didn’t mean that…”
• "I didn't do it for that purpose..."
• "I didn't say that to you..."

1. Different behavior for each person or situation

A normal person uses relatively stable reactions. As for our character, his feelings, behavior, opinions are constantly changing. The victim can never fully understand him, nor know who he really is. He is elusive!

1. He is armed with logical arguments

Where some unacceptable action would be strongly rebuffed, his logical reasoning creates acceptance. Also, often his victim accepts things that she would never tolerate under normal circumstances. His demands are masked by the relentless logic of his reasoning. Only after the blow do you realize that you have become a puppet at your own expense.

1. you must be perfect

Perfection is just an option! He makes you believe that you should absolutely never change your mind and should immediately answer every question he asks. Also, you must know everything and respond to all his requests in a quarter of a turn.

1. Criticize and devalue

His criticism is veiled but intense. First he devalues ​​under the guise of humor, then he gives out serious judgments about you. It expresses doubts about your qualities, professional abilities, and more globally - about your personality. With it, your personality loses all importance. You become banal, uninteresting, inferior.

1. Passing messages through others.

Puts the other person in the position of being connected. By acting in this way, he may not lose his position by attacking others, because it is you who tell them unpleasant things, not him. So he can be the executioner of one person, at the same time comforting him.

1. Divide and rule

With a gentle and sensitive touch, with all caution, he sows discord, nurturing suspicion. His modus operandi is to divide and conquer. He successfully breaks friendships, groups of people in order to achieve what he wants.

1. Makes himself a victim

A self-selected victim, the narcissistic pervert places himself in such a situation in order to be in the lead role. As a result, his environment sympathizes with him, regrets, treats his trials with understanding. He is the one to whom everyone turns, and after all - who will beware of the victim? You can always regret his unfortunate fate, but it only plays into his hands!

1. Ignores requests

Yes, he will always respond positively to requests addressed to him. However, later he will prefer to politely evade the promise, providing good reasons.

1. Uses the moral principles of others

To satisfy his needs, he uses the moral principles of another, like a chameleon. He can fully integrate the group's way of thinking and its principles into believing that they are about the same principles as his own. Being actually a weak being, he does not have his own personality and absorbs the personalities of others.

1. Hidden threats or open blackmail

He can use both veiled threats and open blackmail with equal success. In both cases, the victim must bend to his expectations.

1. Changes the subject or shirks.

In the course of one conversation, he completely changes the subject without warning. To dodge an awkward question, he changes the subject, as if he didn't hear the question. Misleadingly, he can also simply leave the conversation or retire.

1. Taking advantage of the ignorance of others

Ignorance is an excellent source from which he relentlessly draws his superiority. He uses the gullibility of people, their ignorance, to show them that he is superior, so his need for admiration is finally satisfied. He often seeks out people in distress.

1. He's lying

He cheats right and left, inventing incredible stories even for trivial reasons, and most of all he hates to be exposed. He can simultaneously lead several different lives with different people.

1. Telling lies to find out the truth

He tells deliberate lies in order to find out the truth, and this method is applied to all aspects of life. Such a strategy has as its main goal to find out if he can trust the person with whom he communicates. It also allows him to test the expansion of control over his victim.

1. He is self-centered

Everything belongs to him and only to him. He is the most beautiful, the best, he wants to be a guru.

1. He can be jealous and envious.

The narcissistic pervert can be jealous. Attention! His jealousy is not a sentimental feeling, but a manifestation of envy! Despite the fact that he tries to hide it at all costs, his envy manifests itself in relation to your abilities, which he does not possess. The narcissistic pervert sees you as his thing, and as a woman, you are only his object. This means that you have no right to push him back in any way, because he is the best.

1. Obsessed with public image

He does not tolerate criticism, because he does not want and cannot be perceived as a bad person. A POSITIVE image that others see is extremely important to him, if not vital. It is unbearable for him to seem different.

1. Rarely nervous

The manipulator rarely loses his temper, because self-control is his most important quality. Except when the pervert is irascible by nature, the manipulator creates a crisis only if it seems useful to him to do so, but it will not be a spontaneous act for him.

1. Doesn't consider others

Your rights, your needs, as well as your desires do not play any role for him, although he makes you believe otherwise.

1. Words opposite to actions

Speaking white speeches, he performs black actions.

1. He makes you talk about yourself

He is constantly a topic of conversation, even if he is not present at them. For him, this is a huge source of satisfaction.

1. Suddenly attracts attention

This person flatters you, invites you somewhere, gives gifts to please you and surround you with unexpected care. In this case, he will ask you for something for your own good, while acting solely in his own interests.

1. Causes a feeling of unfreedom.

Makes you feel addicted. You can no longer separate from him, even if you know that this relationship is detrimental to you.

1. Achieve your goals at the expense of others.

He is extremely successful in achieving goals at the expense of others. He knows how to use others to get what he wants. He is the puppeteer of his environment.

1. Knocks the ground out from under your feet

Under its influence, thoughts go astray, it twists your brain. You no longer know where you are or who you are. The expression "brainwashing" is very appropriate here, because he changes the other to fulfill his goals. He takes a growing pleasure in watching the extent to which he does whatever he pleases with his little mouse.

1. Consumes your energy.

Engaged in slander and humiliation, he devastates you, taking away energy. But not just to feed like a vampire. In practice, we are talking about a black hole. His unreasonable behavior devastates the victim, who never knows how to deal with the narcissistic pervert.

1. Emotional coldness

Presenting under the guise of a loving person, he is devoid of empathy. He demonstrates incredible emotional coldness, until the victim blames him for what is happening. In this case, he does everything to prove the opposite.

1. He hurts you

With him, you suffer, experience heartache and do not know how to behave. This can have unpleasant consequences for your health such as loss of appetite, insomnia, depression…

Is your partner a narcissistic pervert? I sympathize with you, you have become a victim of a manipulator. Knowing this is the first step to liberation. Remember that you can always ask for help, restore yourself, get out of a state of addiction.

Translation from French: Mitravat

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A man - a narcissist knows how to attract attention. He is charismatic, smart, perfectly able to behave in society and achieve success. There are many women around him who would like to be with him. How lucky is the one on whom he chooses! Will it work?

When you first meet such a person, it is impossible not to note his magnificence. He demonstrates a strong facade of success and self-confidence, causes admiration and a desire to imitate, the desire to follow this person, to learn from him. But few people notice that this is just an outer shell, behind which lies insecurity and a feeling of inferiority, which makes the narcissist set the bar for achievements higher and higher every time. To act ostentatiously in order to nourish your inner emptiness with the admiration of other people. Due to the fact that in his self-esteem he relies precisely on external confirmation of his significance, and not on his value system, he always has to be in sight and provoke others to respond.

By believing in their own uniqueness and needing constant attention, a narcissist can indeed achieve great things in life. This type is very common among the elite, leaders, people of public professions and occupations - artists, speakers, coaches of psychological groups, popular bloggers.

One of the main motivations for achievement is to be noticed, to show your uniqueness and to be rewarded for this in the form of admiration and followers. The narcissist definitely considers himself a special, chosen and very significant person. When real achievements are not enough to confirm this, he can go into a fantasy world about his unlimited success, talent, beauty or fame. Either he turns into an unrecognized genius, offended by the whole world, but who has not given up his dream of "proving to everyone what he is worth."

The life of a narcissist is like swinging on a swing. From the state "I am great" to the state "I am nothing". Vanity, self-confidence, arrogance at one extreme and emptiness, falseness, unbearable shame at the other. He constantly has to prove to himself the right to "be". Often this manifests itself in the desire to constantly compete: "If I'm not better than ... then I'm worthless." That is why the narcissist exhibits domineering, perfectionistic behavior, showing an undisguised lust for power.

This man is very envious of other people's achievements, but it's hard for him to admit it. Rather, he will express his envy through contempt and depreciation of the success of others. He easily sees and talks about other people's shortcomings, but does not want to know anything about his own, so he carefully disguises them even from himself. That is why, his facade, which he reveals to the world, looks almost perfect. Especially for those who look at him from the side.

For the same reason, he reacts very painfully to criticism. It can cause both rage in the form of a defensive reaction, and a serious drop in self-esteem, a strong sense of shame and feelings of worthlessness. It is difficult for him to show empathy, because he is not ready to face his vulnerability and painful wounds that he hides deep inside. In order to feel the other, to show empathy, you need to retreat from your self for a while, but it is very difficult for a narcissist to determine where he ends and the other person begins.

It is difficult for him to respect the boundaries in relationships with other people, because he unconsciously treats others as an extension of himself. Accordingly, everything that is good for me is good for another. Absolutely, while not taking into account the differences. Setting boundaries is often perceived aggressively by such people because they perceive it as an encroachment on their freedom of expression.

The narcissist does not notice that he violates other people's boundaries when he demands to understand him from a half-word, asks inappropriate questions, steals other people's ideas, or throws himself with hugs and kisses, forcing others to respond in kind. He often engages in "mind reading" giving his version of what the person meant, or how they feel about what is happening.

Other people are not perceived by the narcissist as separate and equal individuals, so he can easily treat them as tools, use them for his own purposes, without giving anything in return. Sometimes, such a person manipulates people like chess pieces, wondering how one or another of their strengths can be used for their own benefit.

Unfortunately, it is extremely difficult to build partnerships with a narcissist that value individuality and respect each other's boundaries.

Such a man needs a partner who will not have her own ambitious goals, she will be satisfied with the possibility of being in the shadow of his glory. He appreciates women who know how to praise and do it generously. Of course, a life partner will have to take on the entire burden of household chores and childcare, her man is too grandiose and does not live at all in order to solve everyday problems. At the same time, he will be a very strict critic if she fails to arrange home comfort in the way he imagines it. His message to a loved one is: "If you do not pay attention to my needs, you will feel my rage." At the same time, he does not assume the obligation to listen and understand the partner in turn. He demands respect for himself without respect for others.

A woman who has difficulty discovering and asserting her boundaries, who finds it difficult to trust her feelings and rely on herself can live with a narcissist for a long time. Therefore, for the opportunity to be involved in the ostentatious greatness of her man, she is ready to invest in relationships alone, come to terms with the role of a "female function" and define herself not through her own achievements, but through the success of her husband. There are quite common cases when a wife supported her husband all her life, helped him achieve success, and, after he achieved a high position, received a divorce and care for another, more representative and younger as a "reward". As bitter as it is to realize, in the eyes of her husband, she had already fulfilled her function, his needs had changed, and he, without regret, rejected her as waste material, not worrying too much either about the moral side of this issue, or about her feelings.

Behind all this grandiosity and outward success of a narcissist, it is very difficult to discern his insecurity and vulnerability. Every person goes through the narcissistic stage in early childhood, but only those who could not grow out of it, gaining adequate self-esteem and discovering that there are other people in the world, and they are just as valuable, have forever retained the features of an egocentric child. If the baby has been shamed a lot and accepted very little, as he is, he splits his personality into one that causes approval and a shadow side that needs to be hidden. He tries to show the approved part in order to earn love. Become not who he is, but who they want to see him. After all, his real is so often compared with the ideal image that is in the head of his parents. With age, a person learns to accept his shortcomings and himself with them, becoming more holistic. But the narcissist never manages to do this - this is precisely what causes him to "swing on a swing" from greatness to insignificance.

Because no matter how he hides his shortcomings, they are part of himself and you have to meet them. We all experience disappointment, criticism or defeat sooner or later. When confronted with the part that he carefully hides, the narcissist experiences unbearable shame and pain. And he often defends himself by projecting his shortcomings onto another.

His fragile self-esteem depends on the recognition of others, but at the same time he is afraid of dependence and intimacy, which threaten to expose his weakness and unbearable shame.

In today's world, narcissistic manifestations can be seen in many people. In a way, he is praised and approved by society. He is associated with prosperity, popularity and confidence, forgiving celebrities for their "antics and quirks." These manifestations can be quite healthy if they do not cross certain boundaries. At the same time, despite the attractiveness of the external image of such a man, it is very difficult to build close relationships with him.

noticed while reading the forums that many victims of narcissists have a poor understanding of what true love looks like. I want to write a post based on fresh sensations, how to distinguish true love from games with daffodils. To say that these are different sensations is to say nothing. Of course, all points in my personal vision and I can be wrong. Well, that's my blog. so let's go.

1. of course, what they write about in all forums - sex. animal passion quickly appears to the narcissist. I want him to catch up with you in a dark corner, grab you by the hair and fuck you. these thoughts are very intrusive, especially during the sugar show. it's called lust. this is the lust under which religion slipped into the general heap and good sex with a loved one. but let's dispel this nonsense. there is lust and there is love. so sin is engaged in lust, and suffering follows sin. but everyone can make love, even priests. it's a wonderful feeling. and that is real fucking sex that you will never have with a narcissist. he uses base triggers to constantly turn you on. such as smell. and he knows not to let other men near you. because as soon as you, after "love" with a narcissist, feel real love with a normal person, you are fucking wrong.
learn to distinguish between passion/lust and sex in love. to the person you love, first there is a nagging desire for intimacy and just communication with him. I want him to be around. a sense of kinship of souls and strong excitement, which is the norm. when he is near, you feel good and comfortable, you do not stick from side to side and scenes of wild intercourse do not flash before your eyes. love as a feeling in itself fills with joy and desire to develop and become better. thoughts do not cycle on violent sex, because even a hug brings a buzz - it is not necessary for this to copulate wildly in order to cum and relieve narcissistic tension, roaring from power over the victim.
Of course, there is also sex in love, and you also quickly want it. but it does not reach the daily paranoia with the manipulation of your unfulfilled desires for sex and is quickly realized.
2. narcissa loves a lot of women around him, moreover, as a male, and not a respected brainy, handy man. they love him with sexual connotations and drive their nostrils in a circle. he does not stop it in any way (unlike a normal, self-confident man, with whom this does not happen at all in principle) and provokes greasy hints. when a woman is around, he literally starts to smell like sex. you hear endless hints from other females to be in bed with him. everyone wants it, and it flatters him, he enjoys it. he is not at all embarrassed that it offends you, humiliates you, hurts and causes a search for shortcomings and comparisons in yourself. he is too busy with himself.
I think that it is this popularity of the narcissist among females that attracts insecure and self-not appreciating women to him. as compensation for the lack of self-love, self-deception and an attempt to fill the hole inside yourself with someone from the outside. this is such an unconscious reasoning "out of all the women he chose me, then I'm good," as a result of which the victim forgives the narcissist for all his dirt. and lets him back into his world, because he is, as it were, part of her self-esteem and, leaving, takes with him this piece that is missing in the victim herself. this is an obvious element of codependency "narcissist-victim". and when parting, you spread rot, spread rot ...
what happens next to a normal man. your self-love grows, you start to take care of yourself and treat yourself with respect. you want to take care of yourself and at the same time you do not end up taking care of yourself with doubts that all attempts are in vain anyway or with a feeling of dissatisfaction.
learn to do this so that you are not caught on the hook of demonstrating pseudo-love and being chosen in a harem. you need to understand how to truly love you.
normal men do not show their woman that she has competitors. they just love. jealousy is provoked by people who are not self-confident, with whom there will always be problems “finally decide already” or manipulators.
3. The narcissist always has a covert or overt aggression: or in sex, or in attempts to limit you in some way, or .... in general, it is, and almost immediately. because he hates to portray love and constantly tenses up in the process of lying, and aggression gives vent to tension.
a healthy man does not have pronounced bursts of groundless aggression. not to you, not to other people, not to animals. he does not yell at parents, subordinates or children. he does not tell in colors how he hates someone there and how someone is a fool there.
“It happens that both abuse and manipulation are present, but in general, a person is not perceived as highly toxic” - the main and first mistake of all victims. that's bullshit. destruct. if at least one abuse or manipulation breaks through and the man pretends that he is not there and does not want to discuss it, then that's it. you Khan, if endure. 100%. because it was a test of the level of self-respect. It means you can get even worse. I did not understand all this, p.ch. I had a destructive relationship model. and all the other victims do not see this until it reaches the handle. there is a relationship AT ALL WITHOUT THIS.
4. the narcissist learns a lot about you(a woman in love rarely notices that this collection of information borders on pathology) and quickly finds several common interests with you. then he constantly reminds about it. examples:
- you love Murakami, and talk about it. on the next, he lists the titles of all the works and depicts a storm of delight, repeating several times that he, too, is a fan of this writer.
- you like pictures. he hangs up a picture and demonstrates to everyone in common with you how he looks at it and enjoys it.
- You like to plant flowers. he drags you to a flower shop and looks at everything with interest for a long time, listing the names of plants with skill.
- you say that you love ballet, and the next day you find out that he goes to ballet regularly. but it is impossible to know whether he was exactly there, because everything is very confusing.
yes, they are very smart, they prepare very thoroughly. can easily learn scary names or artists in one evening and present it in such a way that a normal person will never guess in his life that this is a preparation of last night's cramming.
but with a normal man, such mergers never happen. yes, for some it will sound sad, but even if there are common interests like “we both love hiking” there, this fact is not exaggerated to the point of absurdity and is not exaggerated with mimic expressions of complete delight. because it's not normal.
5. narcissists choose people with shitty self-esteem and problems with understanding what is true self-respect, care, love, and so on. they test everyone around for "compatibility", that is, in the very first meetings they roll out some kind of absurdity to you, testing how much you tend to humiliate yourself, blame yourself for everything and forgive the unforgivable .... example: "darling, I have wife, she lives with her dad with two children, and I live separately in a cool house. we are not divorced, but I don’t love her "... in this case, if a woman does not value and respect herself, she swallows the bait" I love you ", without hearing "I have a wife and I don't give a shit about the comfort of children" and sits on the hook.
normal men do not talk about eternal love if they live with another woman. when they realize that everything is serious - the first thing they do is clarify the relationship with the former. and only then they roll out phrases about marriage and unreal love, which has no end. you will not hear from them "I see my children once a month, because ...", because there is no "because" and they see their children when they want. and dealt with ex-wives, mothers-in-law and great-grandfathers, without hanging this immature nonsense on the woman they love.
6. pay attention to whether you love a person for his real actions (gave flowers, came to pick you up in the rain, supports and helps to resolve difficult situations) or for your own fantasies about him without real facts. narcissists love to provoke a lot of expectations and illusions in the victim, feeding it all with talking about love. but this does not prevent them from clapping all the women around, even if you are nearby, and leaving after sex with you home, to your wife.
a normal man will want to live with you and give you something if he starts talking seriously about love.
7. at the daffodil there's always another woman on the horizon, which he inadvertently recalls (ex-girlfriend, wife, obsessive colleague at work) and it is not clear what is happening between them.
a normal man will clearly say what kind of relationship he has with another woman. he does not have a wife, and if he does, he will quickly bring to her attention that he has a woman and that he is going to divorce. It is important to understand that all married people are essentially lovers. if you are satisfied with good sex and nothing else - do not bother and enjoy sex. if you want to get married and be happy, married men are absolutely not suitable for you, no matter what stories they tell you about marriage. accordingly, as soon as you find out about the presence of a wife or another girl, you automatically turn into a mistress and this must be understood. you need to love a real person and love openly and purely. how to love a person because he lives with another?
in a pair with a normal man, there are no reflections "I love him, he loves me too, poor, but he lives with another." if your man does not get divorced and does not know how to solve this problem (pulls and lies), then at least (if he is still not a narcissist) he has serious problems in order to decide what is an honest and deep feeling of love, and also problems with building healthy deep relationships. you don't need it.
8. narcissists make the victim worse than he is, in terms of spiritual qualities. they bring any g to the surface and it appears in you so often that you constantly obsessively imagine something like "I have become a tough bitch" or "I'm a bad housewife" or "I'm worse than that second one" or ... with a normal man in love is a lot of joy and very easy. I want to improve myself, to learn something, and at the same time you do not eat yourself for the fact that you are all so no.
to the heap next to the narcissist, you constantly begin to look for flaws in yourself and compare yourself with someone. with a normal man, you begin to love yourself for who you are.
9. narcissist pushes an endless list of what you are still missing from the perfect woman. you always fall short of this list, and he constantly hints at it to you. what does a healthy man do? Do you have freckles, big butt or forgot to shave your legs? bullshit! you are beautiful.
10. The narcissist constantly raises strong emotions in you, but does not allow them to be resolved constructively., in real proximity. when you try to express love, instead of joy, a bunch of questions, misunderstandings and tension grows. you are told something like "you are too impulsive, you love too much, this is not normal." this is due to the fact that the narcissist cannot accept normal love, does not know how to respond to it, does not feel it, and this scares him. he literally runs away from states of true pure intimacy and cannot stay in a state of love for long. that is why, after a period of cotton candy, another bummer with tears or misunderstandings quickly sets in. they run away from the manifestation of sincere warm direct love and cannot give it themselves.
with a normal man, the desire to hysteria, cry and glue disassembly does not arise at all. and desires to pursue him and rub about strong love too. this is such a dumb reaction to narcissists and psychopaths. with a normal man, everything goes fine, but with a daffodil, an eternal mess.
11. The narcissist confuses the victim's concepts and constantly rubs into her that passion, lust, tension, anxiety, fear, endless showdowns, and so on are manifestations of passionate love. complete nonsense. but it works well, because the narcissist rolls out a reaction to your fears, anxieties, lust, tension, and so on, as if he sees love and immediately demonstrates the “you love me” mask with inspiration. for example, he came to you, you blushed or were confused (because he already fucked the cockchafer in kind), and he energetically reacts to your fucking as if he sees love and embarrassment in you precisely from love.
12. very often at the beginning of a relationship a narcissist openly says that he does not know how to love. for example, "I don't want to love", "love hurts", "your love makes me stressed", "it annoys me when people kiss", "I'm made of stone and this is forever", "I have a steel heart". many metaphors fly from him, clearly demonstrating that his heart is really made of stone, but the victim, being in illusions, does not hear this. she is all inside an illusory love.
normal men can express feelings rather dryly, but that's okay. at the same time, they still slip through soft intonations and pleasantly colored emotions in your direction and about love. the narcissist does not know how, because he does not feel empathy and emotional attachment.
13. daffodil can not manifest itself in any way for a long time, and then suddenly appears with a bouquet, on her knees and with words of unearthly love. at the same time, he puts on a mask of love 10 seconds before meeting you and, standing outside the door, calculates all his words and poses. his love is perfect. you hear what you want to hear and you are awesome. but this is a miscalculation, because you were watched for a long time, hushed up.
a normal man understands that he fell in love on a 2-3 date (yes, this happens faster for men) and begins to build relationships right away. he does not disappear anywhere and does not play silent games. he just comes and with all his behavior tells you "I want to be around." because he is also alive, because he is mature and understands himself, because he wants to enjoy you. and the narcissist does not know how to enjoy, so he warps, runs back and forth and pulls you with this running around and misunderstandings. he simply does not know what a man in love feels, and therefore, out of situations of normal intimacy, he constantly jumps out and twists with lies, like a slug.
14. A healthy man will never humiliate his beloved woman. all the more he won't hit or drink himself to white horses in her presence. he will not climb onto the balcony if you said you want to rest or do not want to see him. will not pursue you with the impudence of a psycho. will not break on the door at three in the morning and ring at 5 in the morning with praises of love and eternity. because he understands that you are fucking sleeping. and wants you to sleep well. there are exceptions when he was completely covered, but he always apologizes later. if you did something you didn't want and didn't apologize, it's a narcissist. narcissists don't know how to sincerely apologize, you can highlight it in red. they don't know how at all. they are unable to accept the fact that someone is right and they are wrong and that they are wrong.
15. if you have there are many, many mysteries, what would that mean(about the behavior of a narcissist) and your brains boil instead of basking in mutual love - in front of you is a narcissist. and it's not curable. This is not love. love is much simpler and clearer.

Narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder is a psychological condition in which a person has high self-esteem. In other words, it is pathological self-love, expressed in constant self-admiration and attention to one's own person. It is difficult for such people to socialize, because they do not like to communicate and be friends with them. And even the relatives of a narcissist are sometimes difficult. How to recognize a narcissist among your acquaintances? Is it possible to somehow help him, and is it worth it? And how not to become a narcissist yourself?

Term etymology

Most people under the word "narcissus" mean a flower with snow-white petals and a yellowish center. But the same term is also called a narcissistic person. There is a legend that explains the origin of this word. In Greek mythology, there was a young man named Narcissus. Once a nymph named Echo fell in love with him, but the guy was too proud to accept the beauty's pure and sincere love. Then Nemesis, the goddess of retribution, decided to punish him and doomed him to fall in love with his own reflection. And when the young man bent down to the pond and saw himself in it, he could no longer leave this place. On the bank of the pond, he died of suffering and hunger. Later, a flower grew in this place, which was called a narcissus.

By the way! The receptacle of the narcissus is slightly tilted down, which symbolizes the head of a young man, bowed to his reflection in the pond.

Now it is more clear who narcissists are. But today this concept is more vague. It is understood not so much as sensual narcissism as ambitious. The man is more than sure of his superiority. And he is sincerely perplexed if he loses to someone in something. This can cause serious psychological disorders, so narcissism is called to be fought.

How to recognize a narcissist

Let us highlight the general and most common signs of narcissism, which at different times were formulated by various psychologists based on data from observation of such individuals.

• Excessive sense of self-importance.
• Lack of response to criticism.
• Direct mockery of those who, in the opinion of the narcissist himself, do not meet the parameters of perfection.
• Demanding increased admiration for yourself and sincere surprise if this does not happen.
• Passionate desire to become the most-most (rich, beautiful, powerful, etc.).
• Belief in uniqueness.
• Lack of compassion for others. Perhaps it is present, but it is quickly suppressed by a spontaneously arising desire to admire oneself.
• Confidence in the envy of others towards oneself.
• A vivid demonstration of imaginary "achievements" that are actually notions or just platitudes (I'm the tallest, I have the most beautiful mole on my cheek, etc.).
• Arrogant behavior.
• Malicious pranks on others; insults are not uncommon (so-called negative narcissism).
• Mercantile interests.
• Fear or anger when others try to reproach him for something.
• Masking your negative traits and sides.
• Focusing on the shortcomings of others, ridiculing them in their favor.

You need to understand that narcissists do not do anything feigned. If they admire themselves, then they really enjoy it. There is no public game here. Everything is done only for self-satisfaction. Therefore, being offended by narcissists is stupid and useless. They will still not understand the reason for your bewilderment. Therefore, they must either be accepted or not communicated at all.

Women

It is generally accepted that it is women who love to engage in narcissism. But such is female nature: a man loves with his eyes, so girls want to look perfect, stunning. Therefore, if a woman often looks in the mirror or straightens her hair, this does not mean that you have a narcissistic person in front of you. Psychological disorder manifests itself somewhat differently.

While the girl is young, it is difficult to notice the manifestation of narcissism in her behavior. She dresses well, takes care of herself and looks great. And a certain arrogance in her communication even attracts men. By the way, a narcissist woman chooses a partner who is caring and gentle. Someone who will admire her. But she may not pay attention to his character, so her man will depend on the opinions of others. She simply does not need an ambitious and decisive one, because she will play the main violin in family relationships.

Problems for a narcissist woman begin when a child appears. This is its beginning, its continuation and its reflection, so it must also be perfect. A son or daughter has a hard time: a narcissistic mother will constantly expect something more from a child. Often women seek to see in their children what they themselves have not achieved, so the child becomes a victim of circumstances (the so-called narcissistic expansion). At the same time, the mother herself also suffers, but she cannot help herself.

Men

Narcissism in men, on the contrary, is more noticeable at a young age. The guy is quite active, a cheerful company is constantly spinning around him, but there are no close friends among them. A young narcissist devotes a lot of time to his appearance. Modern society can even decide that the boy has an unconventional orientation: he takes care of himself so zealously and carefully. Problems can also arise with girls, although relationships with a narcissist are very interesting and exciting in their own way at first. But the young narcissist will sooner or later consider that he deserves more, so any beauty and cleverness will be rejected, like the nymph Echo.

If a narcissist man still starts a family, he still continues to assert himself. A loving woman accepts her husband with all his shortcomings, but the child may suffer. A father with signs of narcissism cannot give him proper upbringing and banal attention. A man will be constantly carried away by his ambitions. The problem is that with each successive victory, the narcissist gets less satisfaction. As a result, by about the age of 35-40, he understands that there is no longer any pleasure from narcissism. And it's too late to look for happiness elsewhere (family, career). Therefore, the patients of psychologists often become men at the turn of their forties.

If in a couple?

Such families are not uncommon. Two people converge on one common interest: self-love. Those. in a pair, each partner is fixated on himself, but the second person is not against it at all. Narcissistic people support each other, and a family is built on this mutual understanding. And no one has a question how to live with a narcissist, because he himself is one.

But the children of such a couple have a hard time. They, too, are forced to adapt to the desires of mom and dad, embodying what they could not achieve. Although, sometimes parents throw their love on a small family member, but most often a narcissist also grows out of him.

Sexology

There is a kind of sexual deviation (deviation) when a person experiences sexual attraction to himself. Otherwise it is called autophilia or autoeroticism. And it is narcissistic behavior that sets the basis for such a disorder. At first, a person simply admires himself in the mirror or gets moral pleasure from the thought that he is perfect. This then begins to manifest itself in physical self-satisfaction, during which the narcissist does not fantasize, but enjoys his own beauty.

What Freud said

Speaking of sex, one cannot but mention Sigmund Freud. In his descriptions, he argued that daffodils often grow in single mothers who gave all their love to the only man - their son. The famous psychologist believed that sooner or later a boy in love put himself in the place of his mother, personifying himself with her. This gave rise to problems with one's own "I", on the topic of which Freud wrote a lot. Such a young man could easily become not only a narcissist, but also a homosexual, because female character traits predominated in him.

The term "narcissism" itself appeared in psychoanalysis in 1914. Although long before that, Freud introduced many other related concepts. One of them is narcissistic libido (or I-libido). This is when the energy of attraction is projected from others onto oneself. Freud believed that this is a severe mental disorder requiring treatment. But he did not deny that such people can live in society.

How to build communication

Those who don’t have close people with a narcissistic personality type in their environment must have snorted when they saw this question. But the narcissist is not at all a bad person who needs to be avoided. He does not wish harm to anyone, and his behavior is due to a mental disorder. And if at work or among friends there are people with signs of narcissism, then willy-nilly you have to find contact with them and build communication.

Narcissists have such a trait as the devaluation of other people's virtues. He will look for flaws and inconsistencies in you in order to feel like the very best against the background of you. Therefore, your task is to reveal yourself completely, leaving no reason for the narcissist to doubt you. Of course, he will not stop thinking that he is unique and unsurpassed, but respect for you will still appear.

In psychology, there is a technique that allows you to win over a person. In the case of a narcissist, you need to mirror his pomposity. For example, he enthusiastically tells you about nanotechnology, which you do not understand at all. The narcissist enjoys the fact that he is better than you in this field of science. What to do? To hit the ball, raising a topic that he does not understand. 95% out of a hundred that the narcissist will give you his crown or at least take off his.

A narcissist is a person who also has positive character traits. He can be kind, sweet, sympathetic and just meaningful to you. Therefore, if this is a close person who is dear to you, do not try to change him, but simply accept him as he is.

If you meet a malignant narcissist who is aggressive and tries to manipulate you, then it is not necessary to find a common language with him or maintain friendship. Each person has the right to choose the circle of his communication, so if you are completely uncomfortable with someone, you do not need to suffer. The so-called destructive narcissism, when all the actions of a narcissist are aimed at destroying everything around, is not common. But it is very difficult to communicate with such a narcissist. If you have a forced contact (at work, for example), then you can use ignoring. Just ignore his antics, and concentrate on business.

I am a narcissist. What to do

Narcissists rarely try to figure themselves out. They simply do not understand and do not experience any uncomfortable symptoms. They think that their behavior is normal and quite adequate. But if a person is tormented by deficit narcissism, he may feel a strong dependence on the opinions of others. This is a special kind of mental disorder when the narcissist is not satisfied with the admiration of himself. He wants others to admire him as well. And if this does not happen, problems begin.

A person who is experiencing deficiency narcissism syndrome is advised to contact an experienced practicing psychologist. Yesterday's high school graduate will not help him. You need a professional who has been working for many years. You can visit a psychologist both alone and with your loved one.

Due to the opinions of others ... The choice of spouse, work, car, hobbies and travel routes is based on how much this "object" will increase the status of the narcissist in the eyes of others. But, unfortunately, no matter how bright, generous, brilliant the narcissist is, those around them quickly get bored with the game in which they are assigned the role of mirrors reflecting the narcissist in all his splendor.

Narcissistic personality disorder affects men more often than women. In the strong half, narcissism in most cases leads to serious family problems. For a woman, the family is one of the most important indicators of success, and therefore personal ambitions are less likely to contradict family values. The most common case is a marriage in which the spouse has to get along with a narcissistic husband, experiencing a whole range of complex emotions.

Such a person is characterized by the following features:

He is boastful and will certainly talk about his successes, interesting acquaintances with famous people, and emphasize his chosenness.

Moreover, his achievements can be both real and very exaggerated. But the narcissist will devalue other people and their achievements. After all, competition and comparison for him is a familiar reaction to those who are nearby.

Narcissus expects constant praise, words of gratitude and admiration from others.

The activity of the narcissist in any field will be based on the assumption that he is the best in it, and will be interesting to him as evidence of this superiority over others, and not in itself.

He believes that he has special abilities, talents and qualities.

For example, the ability to charm any interlocutor, an outstanding poetic talent or the ability to hypnosis. Such individuals consider themselves exceptional, and therefore the appearance of a person nearby who, for example, also writes poetry and is successful in this field, can be perceived as a hidden threat: what if it is he who will receive more admiring reviews and turn out to be better?

The narcissist believes that those around him will do exactly what he expects of them.

It is not surprising that this attitude sometimes becomes a serious obstacle in his personal and professional life. For example, a serious project may be built on the narcissist's belief that the partners will certainly support the idea just because they respect and admire him. If the narcissist is faced with rejection, he finds a lot of explanations for the fact that "these fools and mediocrity" could not appreciate his idea. At the same time, narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism. They can see her where they simply did not receive a sufficient "dose" of praise, taking the lack of applause for indifference and even envy.

Narcissists tend to have low levels of empathy, the ability to empathize with and understand emotions.

Most narcissists are very selfish, and for their own benefit or the opportunity to once again emphasize their uniqueness, a narcissist can easily sacrifice the interests of other people, including those closest to them.

All these signs can be represented by one common problem - the lack of an objective picture of reality. What happens between the narcissist and the people around him is perceived by him through the prism of a distorted perception of reality. The polar attitude of the narcissist to his person becomes such a prism: from the “I-great” to the “I-insignificant”.

It is the inability to distract oneself from oneself (and hence the very specific view of reality) that creates many problems both for the narcissistic person himself and for his environment. The narcissist has difficulty with attachments. It is difficult to consider and love another person if you see in him only the possibility or impossibility of your own self-affirmation. Of course, daffodils also love, but this love is very specific, based on the ability of a companion to maintain the image of a loved one. Moreover, on the one hand, be beautiful, courteous, educated, in order to be able to emphasize his delicate taste, on the other hand, in no case overshadow him with his own brilliance.

Love for children in a narcissist will also be peculiar. It's not enough to be a healthy, sweet baby. You have to crawl before everyone else, speak at once with complex constructions, be an excellent student at school, shine at the institute, get a solid position in an international company. That's when the narcissist will be proud of his child. Children of narcissistic parents are constantly faced with comparison, evaluation, object relation, and often prove for many years with all their might: look, we are worthy of your love. It is this attitude of parents that forms a new generation of narcissistic personalities, for whom the external attributes of success become the most important thing in life.

Able to impress, the narcissist is actually extremely insecure. His constant tossing between his own greatness and insignificance - extremely subjective and not corresponding to reality - hurts him and forces him to "appear" before the public again in search of external evaluation. Shame becomes the most difficult, almost unbearable experience for a narcissist, and many undertakings and relationships are accompanied, on the one hand, by the expectation of grandiose success and recognition, and on the other, by the fear of failure and "exposure".

Family "bouquet": narcissus and others

The traits of a narcissist listed above also appear in the family. However, there is one peculiarity here: it is easier for an outsider to splurge, while domestic ones will be more demanding. They have little external side, they need concrete deeds, support, participation, and not an external "facade" of a family happiness. And the closest people see the real daffodil, without embellishment. They become involuntary witnesses not only of his grandiose successes, but also of "shameful" failures. And most importantly, they see him not as great, but as ordinary, nothing outstanding.

Most families in which one of the spouses suffers from some degree of narcissistic disorder face the following problems.

Codependent relationships. As a rule, neurotic personalities choose narcissists as their companions, for whom attachment is the greatest value in a relationship. With their desire to stay together, they compensate for the narcissist's obsession with themselves and ensure the stability of the couple.

Competition. On the contrary, in a marriage where two narcissists converge, the relationship is not easy. They will compete and thus contribute to the development of each other. However, painful reactions to someone else's success, jealousy of a spouse's popularity among friends, or envy of her husband's career achievements can poison their exciting game.

Lack of emotional response. Narcissus, as already mentioned, finds it difficult to understand the feelings of others, so he often resembles an elephant in a china shop with his aggressive evaluative statements “for the good of his relatives”, lack of tact, one-sided view of his family and their lives. For example, he is much more interested in what his children have achieved than in what they feel.

Communication breakdown. The narcissist is more focused on "broadcasting" his opinion than hearing others. It is not easy to convince him of something, violating the image of an "expert in everything" created by him. It is difficult to talk about impressions and emotions with him. Therefore, communication is often very superficial, devoid of emotional intimacy.

Object relation. A narcissist may have their own undeniable view of what their loved ones should do, how they should look, who they should associate with. He can impose his point of view rather harshly. Treating relatives as some kind of objects that do not have the right to other judgments and views can cause acute family conflicts, especially in parent-child relationships.

Not surprisingly, such relationships are characterized by a series of constant conflicts, and the duration of marriage depends on the patience of the other half of the narcissist. Indeed, it is difficult to feel like an interesting and complete person when your spouse is too passionate about himself. Therefore stories family life narcissists often end in divorce.

And yet, the question often arises of what can be done so that family relations develop more harmoniously. It is impossible to remake a narcissist, especially if it is a pronounced disorder. However, the narcissist's relatives can give him the opportunity to get a new relationship experience.

Useful in communicating with such a family member has always been, is and will be "I-messages" that reflect the feelings of the speaker.

For example: "I feel sad when you seem to forget about me at a party." Such statements (not reproaches, namely messages) will not overnight change the attitude of the narcissist to the feelings of others. But at least he will be forced to notice them and perhaps become more attentive to them.

It is also important from time to time to answer the questions: "Who am I?" and "what / what am I?".

Narcissists tend to see their partner as either perfect or devalue them (and most often both). Therefore, it is extremely important for a person who lives with a narcissist to have a clear idea of ​​himself, his qualities, weaknesses and strengths in order to maintain his identity. It is imperative to remind ourselves that each of us - the way he is, without a crown on his head and world-class achievements - is worthy of love.

In addition, you must remember your interests.

For narcissists, on the one hand, alienation in relationships is characteristic. On the other hand, they can easily enter the "territory" of a loved one. Always remember your interests, be able to say "no" where necessary and insist on your own.

It is equally important to “reality test” from time to time.

Check whether the plans of the narcissist are real and appropriate, how safe they are for the family from a psychological, financial and social point of view. For example, when wanting to give a memorable gift to their boss, the narcissist may forget to pay rent, etc.

Support manifestations of those qualities that the narcissist lacks.

As a rule, this is a concern for safety, an expression of tenderness, love, empathy. The narcissist needs to be praised and admired. But it is up to us to choose which aspects of it to reflect.

The above strategy is addressed to those who want to maintain a relationship despite a spouse's narcissistic disorder. After all, in addition to the psychological characteristics that are problematic for family life, narcissists have wonderful resources - everyone has their own. Keeping in mind that each of the spouses bears 50% of the responsibility for the relationship in a couple, it is possible to consolidate the narcissistic manifestations of the spouse by your behavior or, on the contrary, not support them and thereby invite the narcissist to play by the new rules.

Discussion

how good. that my husband is not a narcissist

and what men do not need words of admiration addressed to them?

Comment on the article "My husband is a narcissist: the psychology of relationships"

On September 14 at 19:00 at the Institute of Christian Psychology (M. Kitay-Gorod, Maly Zalatoustinsky lane, 5, building 1) there will be a presentation of a new book by Archpriest Andrei Lorgus and Olga Krasnikova: “Man and Woman: From Me to We . How to build family happiness. The book "Man and Woman: From Me to Us", which many readers have been waiting for, invites you on an exciting journey through the intricate labyrinths of the relationship between a man and a woman. This is the second book by Archpriest Andrei Lorgus and psychologist...

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Discussion

for all men? A whore, that is? :)

even if we assume that I would need it for some reason, it would be strange to want to become a queen for men who do not understand me, and even who are not in contact with their inner world. who might need the attention of such inadequate types, I wonder?

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