Igor Vagin Antonina Glushchay THE BASIC INSTINCT Psychology of intimate relationships
FOREWORD
You have in your hands a book that has no analogues in the domestic psychological literature on interpersonal relationships.
Secondly, because it analyzes in detail the most difficult moments of the relationship between a man and a woman, gives practical advice and ways to solve acute problems.
And finally, thirdly, because it was written by a woman and a man. And this means that the book is devoid of a one-sided approach to problems. You will be able to look in two mirrors at the same time, and each will tell you the truth.
Fortunately, there are two paths - difficult (tangled) and true (simple).
Which one do you choose? If the latter, then this book is for you. In it you will find something that two people will never tell each other. It is about intimate things that excite everyone, regardless of age.
Experience suggests that more often than not we control our feelings, but they control us. Love is irrational. And yet, the authors are sure and want to convince their readers that it is not necessary to go through a thorny path of disappointment and resentment in order to learn how to intelligently build personal relationships.
Many of the revelations in this book may seem too bold and sometimes shocking to readers. But the desire to call a spade a spade, to talk openly about the forbidden in this case is not outrageous, but only characteristic features of journalistic and psychotherapeutic approaches to serious problems. Everything secret must eventually become knowledge available to everyone. So say the authors of the book, journalist Antonina Glushchay and psychotherapist-sexologist Igor Vagin.
Perhaps this book will deprive you of destructive illusions and lay the foundation for rational action. It depends on each of you whether you will be able to maintain a balance between the dream and the ordinary.
Yes, love, like life, everyone has their own. Love has different faces, and everyone has their own truth about it. But perhaps Mikhail Zoshchenko managed to say the most important thing:
“When Lady Death really, as they say - without deceit, comes up to your headboard and, saying“ Aha! ”, begins to take away your sweet and still precious life, we will probably most of all regret the one feeling that we have at the same time. will have to lose.
Among all the wondrous feelings and phenomena generously scattered by the hand of nature, it will be most pitiful for us to part with love.
And, speaking in the language of poetic comparisons, our soul taken out will beat, groan, ask for it back, humiliatingly saying that it has not yet seen everything that it would like to see.
But all this is nonsense, nonsense, empty excuses. She had already seen everything, everything she could.
But about love - special, bitterest tears will be shed about love ... "
LAWS AND ILLEGALS OF LOVE
ACQUAINTANCE. SYMPATHY. CONFIDENCE
You should act on people like a double shot of whiskey.
Roosevelt
Private life
From the first glance to the first word
Are you able to instantly arouse sympathy for yourself?
Yes, this is a gift that is given from birth to a few. Natural charm immediately disposes to itself. They say about a person endowed with it - pleasant in all respects. Lucky, minions of fate! And hundreds of ordinary people lose even when fate gives them a favorable chance. And all because of the inability to arouse sympathy.
Many joys and many troubles stem from the ability or inability of people to communicate with each other.
The problem of communication is the most important in the life of any person. “The greatest value in life is communication,” said Antoine de Saint-Exupery.
Any contact is a process consisting of a whole set of psychological techniques. Those who have mastered the most effective methods of communication win. Knowing and using just four principles of communication can increase your chances of success.
Communication principles:
* benevolence;
* Attention;
* informative.
But these obvious truths we most often neglect. And it makes sense to avoid unnecessary trouble.
Knowing and using a few techniques for effective dating, liking and trust can dramatically change your life.
As practice shows, people who have achieved success - famous politicians, fashion designers, artists, businessmen - have mastered the methods of communication for a long time.
Any contact is a process consisting of a whole set of psychological techniques. Those who have mastered the most effective methods of communication win. First, let's look at what actively interferes with easy acquaintance, what repels people from us?
Prevent communication:
* uncertainty;
* introspection;
* Bad mood;
* excessive cleverness;
* constant assent;
* banal themes, banal reasoning.
Everything starts at a glance. Only a few seconds, but the result of communication largely depends on them. Contact is established by non-verbal means. A hard, piercing look repels, frightens. Happy eyes attract like a magnet. A friendly, confident, penetrating look always disposes to contact.
We do not see ourselves from the outside and sometimes we are surprised when a person looks away, looks away, without catching our gaze. But you can look at your photos and think: would we ourselves respond to such a view? Is he pleasant, does he show interest in the world, in the people who are nearby? In the end, you can train your eyes in front of a mirror - an exciting activity!
A sincere smile is always something secret. The secret attracts, disposes. You smiled at a man and he will smile back at you. A smile, a compliment at a meeting will locate the interlocutor faster than streams of eloquent words later.
How to overcome the fear of dating? Change the goal to the means.
Many people do not dare to even get close to the person they are interested in, let alone talk to him. And if they speak more than aspirations, then apart from awkwardness they will not experience any other feelings and then they will stigmatize themselves with various unliterary expressions.
How to arouse sympathy for the person you just saw? For example, at a press conference, at a party, finally, on the street or in a subway car.
Psychological reconfiguration will help you get rid of awkwardness. Change the goal to the means. Tell yourself this: I will not approach him for the purpose of acquaintance, but just to talk. You can even enter temporarily into the role of a well-known, self-confident person, and act as he would have done in a similar situation.
Do this training on your own.
Close your eyes and imagine your most bosom friend next to you, with whom it is always interesting and easy for you to communicate. With him you are completely free, natural. You can talk to him about any topic. Just looking at it instantly lifts your spirits. This is how he is your friend!
And now try to relive all the emotions that fill you when communicating with him. Strengthen them with each inhalation and exhalation, make them brighter and richer.
Now imagine that the person you are about to meet is your friend. You have known him since childhood. You are ready to talk with him on any topic, you feel easy and comfortable with him.
Love. Sex. Sex business. To know the deep secrets of this Bermuda triangle, which attracts and repels at the same time, is offered to you by a Man and a Woman - a well-known psychotherapist, sexologist Igor Vagin and journalist Antonina Gluschay.
This book is brilliantly written in the talk show genre and will take you through the love and sexual experiences of several hundred people. Many revelations may seem shocking to you. But this is not shocking, but only the desire of the authors to call a spade a spade ... Detailed comments by a psychologist will explain the most unusual and ... help you deal with your most incredible thoughts and desires. You will be able to understand yourself, the behavior and desires of your partner, learn to build your life “on the personal front” the way you want it!
The authors express their sincere gratitude to the candidate of medical sciences, psychotherapist Nikita Zorin for his help in writing some chapters of this book.FOREWORD
You have in your hands a book that has no analogues in the domestic psychological literature on interpersonal relationships.
Secondly, because it analyzes in detail the most difficult moments of the relationship between a man and a woman, gives practical advice and ways to solve acute problems.
And finally, thirdly, because it was written by a woman and a man. And this means that the book is devoid of a one-sided approach to problems. You will be able to look in two mirrors at the same time, and each will tell you the truth.
Fortunately, there are two paths - difficult (complicated) and true (simple).
Which one do you choose? If the latter, then this book is for you. In it you will find something that two people will never tell each other. It is about intimate things that excite everyone, regardless of age.
Experience suggests that more often than not we control our feelings, but they control us. Love is irrational. And yet, the authors are sure and want to convince their readers that it is not necessary to go through a thorny path of disappointment and resentment in order to learn how to intelligently build personal relationships.
Many of the revelations in this book may seem too bold and sometimes shocking to readers. But the desire to call a spade a spade, to talk openly about the forbidden in this case is not outrageous, but only characteristic features of journalistic and psychotherapeutic approaches to serious problems. Everything secret must eventually become knowledge available to everyone. So say the authors of the book, journalist Antonina Glushchay and psychotherapist-sexologist Igor Vagin.
Perhaps this book will deprive you of destructive illusions and lay the foundation for rational action. It depends on each of you whether you will be able to maintain a balance between the dream and the ordinary.
Yes, love, like life, everyone has their own. Love has different faces, and everyone has their own truth about it. But perhaps Mikhail Zoshchenko managed to say the most important thing:
“When Lady Death really, as they say, without deceit, comes up to your headboard and, saying“ Aha! ”, begins to take away your sweet and still precious life, we will probably most of all regret the one feeling that we have at the same time. will have to lose.
Among all the wondrous feelings and phenomena generously scattered by the hand of nature, it will be most pitiful for us to part with love.
And, speaking in the language of poetic comparisons, our soul taken out will beat, groan, ask for it back, humiliatingly saying that it has not yet seen everything that it would like to see.
But all this is nonsense, nonsense, empty excuses. She had already seen everything, everything she could.
But about love - special, bitterest tears will be shed about love ... "
Select chapter
Alesya, student, 17 years old:
- I'm desperate! I don't know what to do... I don't like squishy guys, but I'm afraid of tough guys. When a Mercedes or Jeep slows down next to me, my knees begin to tremble and my voice disappears. All these "fancy" guys seem insincere to me, they have so much pretense, so many ambitions! They themselves do not trust anyone, and to believe them is simply stupid. I met with such a tough guy for two months - he took me to nightclubs, bars. And then it turned out that he had several more like me ... And everyone loves him and adore him for his courtesy and cheerful disposition. And he manipulates his girlfriends as he wants! And why are we so stupid?
Alina, translator, 28 years old:
“To keep each of my four fans on a tight leash, I play four different roles.
Andrey, who is bored, looking for new sensations in life, I attract with the role of a journalist. I stand before him as a woman with an excellent sense of humor, with an optimistic outlook on life, sociable, independent, inquisitive, boldly experimenting in sex, preferring a sporty style of clothing.
Igor, who leads an active business life full of stress, I take the role of a psychologist. With him, I become laconic, serious, gentle, understanding, able to find something uplifting in any life collision. I try to create an environment conducive to revelation, I talk about sex as some kind of oriental exotic. I choose a classic style of clothing: I put on a long skirt, a blouse made of soft and expensive fabric, gold jewelry, and high-heeled shoes.
Before Nikita - a successful man with great ambitions - I act as a business woman. Accordingly, I choose a business style of clothing, discreet makeup. I demonstrate to him a high vitality, a pragmatic outlook on life, independence, self-confidence.
My fourth admirer, Sergey, is simply created for calm family relationships. With him, I turn into a child. I usually wear catchy youth clothes, a lot of bright accessories. I am full of romanticism, naivety. All my hope is for the support of a strong man: a savior, a patron. I look at him with admiring eyes, listen, looking into his mouth.
I believe that every woman should be able to be different, interesting, attractive.
Svetlana, stewardess, 26 years old:
– The talent of a seductress is given to every woman. But not everyone knows how to use it. And I have learned. That's all. And it's not that hard of a science. You can win any man - you just have to want. A woman has no right to be unhappy, because the world rests on her. All of them - husbands, lovers, like radios, tune in to her wave - a wave of love or dislike.
For love! For us to love and be loved - just the way we are. Although, who knows what we women are like? Many people look at us, only a few truly see us, but only one understands. Yes, and that is wrong. Do you know what my first husband, Seryozha, told me? He reverently admitted that I looked like Natalya Fateeva, with whom he had been in love since the ninth grade. And my second husband saw in me the features of Sofia Rotaru, with whom he was also in love at school. How do you like this arrangement? So for me, these life lessons turned out to be the most important. I understood, guessed, “intuited” with the sixth sense how you can fall in love with anyone. Just find out who was this heroine of his first erotic fantasies - and take her place in real life. And then it is yours - at first sight to the grave. Of course, sometimes it’s a shame to realize that the man you love doesn’t really love you, but someone else in you. But after all, we, women, are arranged in exactly the same way. We love our dream in men, the romantic dream of eternal love. This is our whim, without which life is not life.
Igor, stuntman, 34 years old:
Everything is a matter of technology. Most women unconsciously look for either a husband or a protector and patron in a man. Finally, a fatal lover who can take her away from the world of everyday life. It depends on whether she is married or not.
Therefore, getting acquainted with another lady I like, I immediately begin to treat her like a child, while playing the role of a solid, strong man who can become her patron.
I'm just stepping into the role of Mickey Rourke from the movie "Wild Orchid". A gliding glance, a calm smile, a confident voice… Everything is so simple! You just need to constantly monitor changes in the behavior of your girlfriend. A fixed look, dilated pupils - all this indicates a genuine interest in your person.
My favorite technique is "mirroring". To mirror means to take the pose of a woman, use the same gestures and rhythm of movements, use similar turns of speech. This creates a "comfort field". The secret is that after a few minutes of such communication, she "falls" into feelings of lightness and naturalness, as if she has known you for many years. Soon she begins to "mirror" you. This suggests that she is already "following" you and it's time to lead her in the right direction...
Here it is already possible to use psychological techniques aimed at enhancing her erotic experiences. The main thing is to imagine how your desire is transmitted to your partner. I mentally stroke her, hug her, kiss her. I mentally evoke a vivid erotic picture in myself and I convey this inner state to her. I am all desire. In a word, I suggest that intimacy is inevitable. But I never talk about my past sexual experience - this is not forgiven.
There are tricks more subtle: the use of paradoxical behavior. Let's say I play the role of a tough guy and immediately read her sentimental poetry. She will not understand in any way who I really am - a bandit or a poet. Here is your interest! Sometimes I modify the technique: I invite a lady to a dance, carry all sorts of romantic nonsense, and then, with a serious look, I quote Borges' philosophical prose. And at this time, my hand gets under her skirt ...
The basic Instinct. Psychology of intimate relationships
Preface.
Part one. LAWS AND ILLEGALS OF LOVE
Chapter 1. Acquaintance. Sympathy. Confidence
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5 Erotic Manipulation
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Part two. THE BASIC INSTINCT
Chapter 1
Chapter 2. Myths about sexuality.
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Part three. LIFE STYLE
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5. Erotic theater as sex therapy
Chapter 6
Part four. TESTS
Do you know your worth?
Superman or blotter?
Or maybe you are a sex maniac?
Are you satisfied with your intimate life?
Forecast of your love
ANNOTATION
How to fall in love with anyone your heart desires? What do normal people dream about in erotic fantasies? Why do men go to prostitutes?
Love, sex, sex business. This all-consuming Bermuda triangle attracts and repels at the same time. How you want to know its deep secrets and how dangerous it is to do it alone! What if together? After all, the richest life experience of one person is a drop in the ocean compared to the experience of several hundred people.
Many of the revelations in this book may seem too bold and sometimes shocking to readers. But the desire to call a spade a spade, to talk openly about the forbidden - in this case, not outrageous, but just a characteristic feature of the journalistic and medical approach to serious problems. Everything secret must eventually become knowledge available to everyone. So say the authors of the book, journalist Antonina Glushchay and psychotherapist-sexologist Igor Vagin.
FOREWORD
In this book you will find things that two people will never tell each other. It is about intimate things that excite everyone, regardless of age.
Experience suggests that more often than not we control our feelings, but they control us. Love is irrational. And yet, the authors are confident and want to convince their readers that it is not necessary to go through a thorny path of disappointment and resentment in order to learn how to intelligently build personal relationships.
Yes, love, like life, everyone has their own. Love has different guises and everyone has their own truth about it. But maybe Mikhail Zoshchenko managed to say the most important thing: "When Lady Death really, as they say - without deceit, comes to your headboard and says" Aha! ", starts to take away your sweet and still precious life, we will probably we will regret one feeling that we will have to lose in this case.
Among all the wondrous feelings and phenomena generously scattered by the hand of nature, it will be most pitiful for us to part with love.
And, speaking in the language of poetic comparisons, our taken out soul will beat, groan, ask for it back, humiliatingly saying that it has not yet seen everything that it would like to see.
But all this is nonsense, nonsense, empty excuses. She had already seen everything, everything she could.
But about love - special, bitterest tears will be shed about love ... "
You have in your hands a book that has no analogues in the domestic psychological literature on interpersonal relationships.
First, because it was co-authored by professional psychologists and journalists. All stories are taken from life - reality in intimate matters is brighter than invented stories.
Secondly, because it analyzes in detail the most difficult moments of the relationship between a man and a woman, gives practical advice and ways to solve acute problems.
And finally, thirdly, because it was written by a woman and a man. And this means that it is deprived of a one-sided approach to problems. You will be able to look at two mirrors at the same time and each will tell you the truth.
Fortunately, there are two paths - difficult, confusing and true, simple.
Which one do you choose? If the latter, then this book is for you.
Igor Vagin - ............................................... ..
Antonina Glushchai is a member of the Union of Writers of Russia, a member of the Union of Journalists of Moscow, press secretary of the Academy of Irrational Psychology, deputy editor-in-chief of the Kapriz magazine, vice-president of the All-Russian Foundation for the Support of Creative and Scientific Intelligentsia, laureate of the Inspiration literary prize.
Part 1.
LAWS AND ILLEGALITY OF LOVE.
Chapter 1.
ACQUAINTANCE. SYMPATHY. CONFIDENCE.
You should act on people like a double shot of whiskey.
Are you able to instantly arouse sympathy for yourself?
Yes, this is a gift that is given from birth to a few. Natural charm immediately disposes to itself. They say about a person endowed with it - pleasant in all respects. Lucky, minions of fate! And hundreds of ordinary people lose even when fate gives them a favorable chance. And all because of the inability to arouse sympathy.
Many joys and many troubles stem from the ability or inability of people to communicate with each other.
COMMENT
The problem of communication is the most important in the life of any person. "The greatest value in life is communication," - said Antoine de Saint-Exupery.
Knowing and using just four principles of communication can increase your chances of success.
Communication principles:
goodwill;
Attention;
dialog;
informative.
But these obvious truths we most often neglect. And it makes sense to avoid unnecessary trouble.
Knowing and using a few techniques for effective dating, building sympathy and trust can dramatically change your life.
As practice shows, people who have achieved success - famous politicians, fashion designers, artists, businessmen - have mastered the methods of communication for a long time.
Any contact is a process consisting of a whole set of psychological techniques. Those who have mastered the most effective methods of communication win. First let's see , What actively interferes with easy acquaintance, what repels people from us?
Prevent communication:
uncertainty;
introspection;
Bad mood;
excessive cleverness;
constant assent;
banal themes, banal arguments.
Everything starts at a glance.
Only a few seconds, but the result of communication largely depends on them. Contact is established by non-verbal means. A hard, piercing look - repels, frightens. Happy eyes attract like a magnet. A benevolent, confident, penetrating look always disposes to contact.
We do not see ourselves from the outside, and sometimes we are surprised when a person looks away, looks away, without catching our gaze. But you can look at your photos and think: would we ourselves respond to such a view? Is he pleasant, does he show interest in the world, in the people who are nearby? In the end, you can train your eyes in front of a mirror - an exciting activity!
A sincere smile is always something secret.
The innermost attracts, disposes. You smiled at a person - and he will smile back at you. A smile, a compliment at a meeting will locate the interlocutor faster than streams of eloquent words - later.
How to overcome the fear of dating?
Change the goal to the means.
Many people do not even dare to come close to the person they are interested in, let alone talk to him. And if, more than aspirations, they speak, then apart from awkwardness, they will not experience any other feelings, and then they will stigmatize themselves with various unliterary expressions.
How to arouse sympathy for the person you just saw?
For example, at a press conference, at a party, finally, on the street or in a subway car.
Psychological reconfiguration will help you get rid of awkwardness. Change the goal to the means. Tell yourself this: I will approach him not for the purpose of acquaintance, but simply to talk. You can even enter temporarily into the role of a well-known, self-confident person, and act as he would have acted in a similar situation.
Do this training on your own.
Close your eyes and imagine your most bosom friend next to you, with whom it is always interesting and easy for you to communicate. With him, you are completely free, naturally. You can talk to him about any topic. Just looking at it instantly lifts your spirits. This is how he is your friend!
And now try to relive all the emotions that fill you when communicating with him. Strengthen them with each inhalation and exhalation, make them brighter and richer.
Now imagine that the person you are about to meet is your friend. You have known him since childhood. You are ready to talk with him on any topic, you feel easy and comfortable with him.
Open your eyes and, without letting go of the emotions you have experienced, go up to any person and talk to him using this technique.
If you experience a feeling of tightness, you know the sin of slow wit or lack of wit, the surest thing is to have in advance a number of verbal or behavioral blanks that have been tested in action.
· Option one.
Even the simplest ones work, such as:
Do you want me to guess who you are according to the horoscope?
Do you want me to tell you?
Do you want me to guess your name? By the way, my name is Andrew.
· Option two.
You can tell a fresh anecdote or a parable worthy of attention.
· Option three.
You can start a conversation with some exclusive information, tell some intriguing case.
· Option four.
Many people are susceptible to shocking information that contradicts public opinion. And others - and shocking behavior. It suffices to give an example to make it clear. The girl eats ice cream. A guy comes up to her: "Delicious?" - "Yes." - "Can I try?" Laughter in response is a sign of benevolent contact. Acquaintance took place!
· Option five.
Effective and gradual entry into contact, when you, having told about something, ask the interlocutor the question: "What do you think about this?"
· Option six.
A direct compliment always looks like flattery and often sounds fake. But you can always give a hidden compliment. This refers to the details of the interlocutor's clothing, his hairstyle, communication style. But you never know what comes to mind when a person is really interesting to you!
Call the other person by their first name more often.
More than anything, people love their name.
If you repeat it countless times throughout the conversation - you will only win!
Show genuine interest in your interlocutor.
Without exception, people do not have enough attention from others. What tricks do they use! They invent illnesses for themselves, make scandals, even decide on demonstrative suicides. But it is not so difficult when talking with a person, constantly keeping him in the focus of your attention. Let the person feel his worth! And you will be amazed at the results!
Do a mini presentation.
False modesty does not lead to success. You, too, should become interesting to your interlocutor. And for this, it is advisable not to pester the partner with banal questions, as is usually the case, but to break the stereotype and present yourself in a favorable light. That is, to conduct a so-called mini-presentation, which will cause trust, respect, and genuine interest in your person on the part of the interlocutor.
You can always provoke interest in yourself with some exotic stories about unusual events in your life.
Your attitude must be positive.
Everything should say that everything is OK with you! This attracts people.
Use the "fan of topics" technique.
Going through one topic after another, you will quickly be able to determine what really interests or excites your new acquaintance.
This is a kind of testing the psychological state of the interlocutor at the moment and the distribution of roles for further communication. According to the psychotype, partner complexes are determined for choosing a behavior model. Most often, the "buttons" of superiority, curiosity, generosity, pity and "weak" work.
Don't be afraid to touch on shocking topics.
It excites imagination, interest and attention, liberates people.
Provocative stories about yourself on intimate topics are also excellent bait. Many people, as a rule, answer the same, become frank with you.
Important - the ability to build dialogues. Monologues are boring. Extensive monologues scatter attention. Dialogue is always a confirmation of the fact that you are listening and hearing, and you are being heard and listened to.
Informativeness is the salt of any communication.
It makes sense to avoid transfusion from empty to empty. Value your time and the time of the interlocutor.
Ask "open" questions.
Questions to the interlocutor are best asked open-ended:
"What do you think?"
"And what do you feel?"
The answers to them are usually lengthy, and this increases your chances of continuing to get to know each other. At this time, you can use all the techniques of active listening: nodding, assenting, asking again, clarifying words. It is undesirable at this time to take your eyes off to the side or look, downcast, at your feet. Face to face! All your attention should be directed to this person, you should be tuned in to communication with him. Falsehood is always caught.
Reception "kindred souls".
Reception "soul mates" will immediately bring you closer to any person.
There is always something in common: hobbies, profession or just views on certain pleasant life events. It can be a graduation party at school or an excellent exam at the institute, or a trip to the sea ... And then the stream of conversation will flow by itself, like a mountain stream.
Reception "fellowship".
If you are from the same city or district, feel free to use the "fellowship" technique. This is a reliable tool for fast convergence.
Ask: "How can I help you?"
People are willing to answer questions like this. Even a small service can quickly endear you to a person.
Go for joint action.
You can, in the end, cut a salad together or make tea together - joint actions also bring together.
Show a positive attitude.
It is advisable never to speak ill of anyone. Remember the commandment: do not judge, lest you be judged. Kindness is the key to our success.
All people are arranged in the same way: deep down they want to believe that they are good, smart, worthy of attention!
How do we usually respond to opinions about ourselves? If someone says kind words about us, we think: "That's how good I am!" But as soon as someone speaks badly of us, we are indignant: "That's what a bad person he is!"
Use humor.
A person with a sense of humor always looks attractive and likeable. Never miss this opportunity!
Set a comfortable communication distance.
It is important to always remember that each person has a so-called zone of personal space, the intrusion into which is fraught with hostile attitude towards you. If you are used to keeping a distance or, on the contrary, breathing directly into the interlocutor's ear, still pay attention to how comfortable he feels at the same time. Sometimes, because of this essential trifle, even people who are interesting to each other scatter to the sides.
To create a zone of comfortable communication, it is advisable to immediately use adjustment acceptance.
Speech should not differ sharply from the speech of the interlocutor in rhythm, volume and vocabulary. The imperceptible mirroring of his gestures and postures will quickly create an aura of mutual sympathy.
Express confidence in the fruitfulness of further contacts.
With a rigid interlocutor, contact ends smoothly, with a motor one - quickly and abruptly. But in any case, the last phrase should be built on the principle: it's a pity to part with you, you made a good impression on me, I hope this is not our last meeting.
Briefly sum up the acquaintance, fix the role relationship.
Chapter 2
FALL IN LOVE AT YOUR OWN WILL
Caprice differs from eternal love only in that
which takes a little longer.
Oscar Wilde
There are few married couples in the world just because
that the girls spend time unraveling networks
instead of building cells.
Jonathan Swift
It is best to be born happy. But this is not always possible. Life is a villain, fate is a turkey! Women's happiness is measured drop by drop, like a precious elixir, and only the elect are allowed to feel its taste on the tip of the tongue.
Alina convinced of this. But she does not consider herself to be among the elect. Carefully shaking off the ashes from a thin cigarette, she shrugs her shoulders: "Do people really believe that I'm kissed by God?"
Who better than her to thank fate for a rare gift! After all, what does a woman need to be happy? Love, love and more love. In the meantime, there has not yet been a case for Alina to suffer from unrequited love. She has a rare ability to pick up the keys to any safe of a man's soul. Although her favorites were so different from each other! In general, it can be shown as a visual aid for the fulfillment of one's own love whims.
But she stubbornly repeats the same thing:
What gift? I am not marked by anything special. The talent of a seductress is given to every woman. But not everyone knows how to use it. And I learned. That's all. And it's not that hard of a science. You can win any man - you just want to. You can make anyone fall in love with you, ”Alina said with an arrangement, in a velvety voice, and with a sliding glance looked around the cramped hall of the bar.
What is the most important female disadvantage? Loquacity. A man needs to be able to listen. According to him it is easy to understand what he wants. As a rule, successful men with great ambitions want to see a business woman next to them - pragmatic, self-confident. Do you want it dear? You are welcome! I am just like that - active and independent. Another thing is a business man who finds himself in a stressful situation. He needs an understanding, subtle nature, capable of raising his fallen spirit in any life situation. And with him, I become a soft, laconic woman who knows how to create an environment conducive to revelation. And I am completely transformed with a calm, homely person by nature. He needs a naive little girl, whom he is ready to take care of day and night. And it's me, dear! Romantic, admiring, capricious... But most often you come across bored men looking for new experiences, thirsty for vivid sensations. Then I use sparkling humor and demonstrate optimism and curiosity. And he rejoices in a happy meeting. The art of love is the art of bringing joy. Joy is accumulated, stored and works to strengthen love. Do you know what distinguishes happy women from unhappy ones? The happy promise happiness, while the unhappy wait for it.
Alina again glanced at the tables in the bar and barely perceptibly smiled at the emerging "guinea pig". A few minutes later, there was a bottle of champagne on her table, sent by a new fan.
Nobody wants to be an unhappy woman - not a minute, not a second. It pleases, - Alina concluded and smiled triumphantly again. A small thin cigarette floated smoothly in the air, outlining an invisible circle. - A woman has no right to be unhappy, because the world rests on her. All of them - husbands, lovers, like radios, tune in to her wave - a wave of love or dislike.
Alina raised her glass of champagne:
For love! For us to love and be loved - for who we are. Although, who knows - what we, women? Many people look at us, only a few truly see us, but only one understands. Yes, and that is wrong. Do you know what my first husband, Seryozha, told me? He reverently admitted that I looked like Natalya Fateeva, with whom he had been in love since the ninth grade. And my second husband saw in me the features of Sofia Rotaru, with whom he was also in love at school. How do you like this arrangement? So for me, these life lessons turned out to be the most important. I understood, guessed, intuited with a sixth sense how you can fall in love with anyone. Become the heroine of his fantasies - and he died in the "sparkling lava of love"! Just find out who was this heroine of his first erotic fantasies - and take her place in real life. And then it is yours - at first sight to the grave. Of course, sometimes it’s a shame to realize that the man you love doesn’t really love you, but someone else in you. But after all, we women are arranged in exactly the same way. We love our dream in men, the romantic dream of eternal love. This is our whim, without which life is not life.
COMMENT
Where there is love, there is no place for prudence... Isn't it?
But still...
There are many surefire ways to fall in love with anyone you want. How, however, to predict your own love ...
But first you need to honestly answer yourself: do you agree to be manipulated, or do you prefer to be the favorite of love victories yourself?
Inner honesty is the first condition for success.
The second is goal awareness.
At the very beginning, women just want to give advice: "Dear ladies! Do not lose your head because of men - take pity on at least your hair!"
Yes, any woman always wants to command a man, but not always can and knows how. Much more often, she becomes a hostage to her own affection. And he pays for it with the loss of health, self-respect, prestige, money, and finally, simply the loss of his own "I". And how many suicides happen on the basis of love!
Alesya, 17 years old.
I'm desperate! I don't know what to do... I don't like squishy guys, but I'm afraid of tough guys. When a Mercedes or Jeep slows down next to me, my knees begin to tremble and my voice disappears. All these "fancy" guys seem insincere to me, they have so much pretense, so many ambitions! They themselves do not trust anyone and to believe them is simply stupid. I met such a cool guy - for two months he took me to nightclubs and bars. And then it turned out that he had a few more like me ... And everyone loves him, adore him for his courtesy and cheerful disposition. And he manipulates his girlfriends as he wants! And why are we so stupid?
But it's so simple - to pick up the key to any man!
Become the heroine of his fantasies - and you will hit the "bull's eye"!
Falling in love, love - feelings are irrational, their origins are hidden in the subconscious of a person, where original films about all his erotic desires are constantly played. Moreover, their scripts were written in childhood - on the basis of books read, films that "children under sixteen", intriguing stories of experienced friends. And it is worth it in reality to appear to a person who looks like the hero of your "movie" - and you immediately fall in love. At first sight!
Remember Pushkin's: "Not women teach us love, but the first dirty novel ..."? That's it.
However, here it is appropriate to recall the precedent with Tatyana Larina, who "... liked novels early; They replaced everything for her; She fell in love with the deceptions of Richardson and Rousseau ..." And then - remember? She writes to Onegin: "You appeared to me in dreams ; Invisible, you were already sweet to me ... "
And most importantly: "You almost entered, I instantly recognized!"
So Onegin, without making any effort, by chance became "the hero of her novel."
Therefore, if you want to make someone fall in love with you, first find out which "movie" your chosen one's subconscious is playing and become the heroine of his fantasies. And then he will fall in love with you for no apparent reason.
According to a man, you can easily understand what he is silent about, and by what he is silent about, you can guess what he wants. Therefore, first of all you have to learn to be a good listener.
Get rid of the most harmful female habit - talkativeness. In the end, people are not so much concerned about how much you know and what you can do, but that you show interest in them.
What "psychological hooks" do women fall for with pleasure?
As a rule, none of them even admits to herself who she loves more: her chosen one, her love for him or herself in the role of a person in love.
Modern Don Juans, Casanovas and Rasputins know this very well, therefore, without any hesitation, they immediately enter the role of a hero, gentleman, patron, boss - all ladies love these. The price is now confidence, strength and determination.
Here is a story from the first lips of such an experienced, and therefore successful seducer Igor:
Everything is a matter of technology. Most women unconsciously look for either a husband or a protector and patron in a man. Finally, a fatal lover who can take her away from the world of everyday life. It depends on whether she is married or not.
So, getting acquainted with another lady I like, I immediately begin to treat her like a child, while playing the role of a solid, strong man who can become her patron.
I'm just stepping into the role of Mickey Rourke from the movie Wild Orchid. A sliding glance, a calm smile, a confident voice... Everything is so simple! You just need to constantly monitor changes in the behavior of your girlfriend. A fixed look, dilated pupils - all this indicates a genuine interest in your person.
My favorite technique is "mirroring".
To mirror means to take the pose of a woman, use the same gestures and rhythm of movements, use similar turns of speech. This creates a "comfort field". The secret is that after a few minutes of such communication, she "falls" into feelings of lightness and naturalness, as if she has known you for many years. Soon she starts to mirror you. This suggests that she is already "following" you and it's time to lead her in the right direction...
Here already you can use psychological techniques aimed at enhancing her erotic experiences.
The main thing is to imagine how your desire is transmitted to your partner. I mentally stroke her, hug her, kiss her. I mentally evoke a vivid erotic picture in myself and I convey this inner state to her. I am all desire. In a word, I suggest that intimacy is inevitable. But I never talk about my past sexual experience - this is not forgiven.
There are subtler tricks: the use of paradoxical behavior.
Let's say I play the role of a tough guy and immediately read her sentimental mental poetry. She will not understand in any way who I really am - a bandit or a poet. Here is your interest! Sometimes I modify the technique: I invite a lady to a dance, carry all sorts of romantic nonsense, and then, with a serious look, I quote Borges' philosophical prose. And at this time, my hand gets under her skirt ...
Do you know this, ladies?
Such a male trick often works: having demonstrated his strength and confidence in relationships with others, a man suddenly begins to confidentially tell you that in childhood he was weak and defenseless, he was often offended, he lived hard and poor.
It looks especially impressive when he is smartly dressed and sitting either in his office, or in a luxuriously furnished apartment, or in a prestigious car.
If he has a family, he will note only positive aspects: the family is good, the child is talented, while casually noting that he is still a bit bored.
This "bait" is usually swallowed by women instantly.
And then humorous tests of sexuality or a story about how gestures, clothes or the manner of smoking can be used to get information about the temperament of the interlocutor are usually used.
However, every woman can play a similar game. The main thing is not to lose your sense of humor!
Different psychotypes require a different approach.
For schizoid in love, the main thing is freedom, independence, it is easier for him to part with the object of adoration than to go with him to an excessive rapprochement.
hysteroids they imagine themselves to be an idol on a pedestal, therefore they require constant admiration and attention, their fierce love can instantly turn into the same fierce hatred.
Psychasthenics need complete dissolution in a loved one, for them parting is a real tragedy.
All this should be taken into account when you decide to put a person into erotic dependence.
Erotic manipulation techniques allow you to achieve success in a short period of time. They are based on unsatisfied sexual needs.
But if some person does not have them, then there is actually nothing to work with. However, this is a rare occurrence.
To remove emotional barriers, you need to skillfully evoke pleasant memories from the interlocutor from the past, bring him to emotionally significant topics. Immersion in past erotic experiences provides an excellent opportunity to "anchor" new experiences.
For example, you start a conversation about first love or how nice it is to relax by the sea. And who hasn’t had romance on vacation! And the conversation gradually slips into memories of a romantic adventure. Remembering, your partner again plunges into the state of experiencing love. At the moment of the highest intensity of emotions, you easily and naturally touch his hand (put an "anchor"). From now on, any of your touch will be associated with pleasant emotions and sensations, and you will be as desirable, promising bliss, as that former lover who managed to cause such vivid experiences.
Erotic manipulation also implies frequent role reversal.
One of our graduates, who now brilliantly manages to simultaneously turn four wealthy men, said:
To keep each of them on a short leash, I play four roles.
A man who is bored, looking for new sensations in life, I attract with the role of a journalist. I stand before him as a woman with an excellent sense of humor, with an optimistic outlook on life, sociable, independent, inquisitive, boldly experimenting in sex, preferring a sporty style of clothing.
A man who leads an active business life full of stress, I take the role of a psychologist. With him, I become laconic, serious, gentle, understanding, able to find something uplifting in any life collision. I try to create an atmosphere conducive to discovery, I talk about sex as some kind of oriental exotic. I choose a classic style of clothing: I put on a long skirt, a blouse made of soft and expensive fabric, gold jewelry, and high-heeled shoes.
Before a successful man with great ambitions, I act as a business woman. Accordingly, I choose a business style of clothing, discreet makeup. I demonstrate to him a high vital activity, a pragmatic outlook on life, independence, self-confidence.
My fourth admirer is simply created for calm family relationships. With him, I turn into a child. I usually wear catchy youth clothes, a lot of bright accessories. I am full of romanticism, naivety. All my hope is for the support of a strong man: save me, patron. I look at him with admiring eyes, listen, looking into his mouth.
I believe that every woman should be able to be different, interesting, attractive ... "
Of course, this may seem unusual to someone - "verify the harmony of the algebra swarm."
Yes, sometimes for artificially evoked love, one has to pay with jealousy, aggression, strict control of a person who has been put into erotic dependence.
But how often the hunt is worse than bondage!
Chapter 3
HOW TO GET MARRIED QUICKLY
You need to choose a husband like a car: check the steering, brakes, engine power and interior comfort.
marriage agency director
Can't get married?! BUT is he and it doesn't blow in your mouth?
If you're waiting for that one day is he collapses on his knees and will romantically ask for your hand, then do not waste precious time. This will not happen until the hour when the legs will simply stop his Keep. By that time is he He will be married three times, have five children and seven grandchildren. Do you need it?
Larisa came to us after five years of desperate attempts to create a full-fledged family. This energetic woman had it all. Only personal life did not go well.
How I wanted to marry him! I didn’t love anyone like that ... I bought an apartment, got a prestigious job, ran to a beauty salon a day later. She decided to give birth to a child - only so that we could live together! So what? Five years down the drain! The children are already three years old - twins, a boy and a girl, were born. Now he has four children: a girl in the first family, a son in the second, and two of mine. Families are conditional - he never married anyone. As he lived, so he lives alone. Circling above us, three fools, like a kite, watching, so to speak, from a bird's eye view. It seems he is, but like a ghost of some kind. Actually, it's empty. It will show up suddenly, sit for half an hour and remember your name. And it is increasingly difficult for children to explain that their dad is wonderful, only very busy with work.
I'm no longer angry with Vadim ... He was not created for family life and that's it. And I did not immediately understand. Out of desperation, she went to sorcerers, fortune-tellers, and psychics. Uselessly! And then how it cut off. The cut-vela seemed to be: why do I need it? No warmth from him, no help. I'm thirty-five now, the children are growing up - they need a father, not a ghost. I decided - stop wasting time, you need to marry someone else. In addition, I have a new neighbor - a very promising man!
Three months later, Larisa got married.
Friends say that this miracle happened. God rewarded me for my long patience. But in fact, having finally decided to arrange my life, I gave Vadim an ultimatum: for the next fifteen years, you must completely disappear from our lives. While the children are small, they will quickly get used to the new dad, and there is nothing to injure them, nothing to confuse them. I don’t want to be the third concubine in your harem on the side of the road anymore. I'm getting married! He only asked: "When?" Precisely not for whom, but when? There was nowhere to retreat and I cut off: in a week. And I did get married a week later. For Vadim. Time pressure turned out to be decisive for him. It's necessary! Five years to waste, and in one day to twist such a mess! How, someone encroached on his property ... Still, foolish women, they can’t do it with their chicken brains that every man has a weak spot. Now I know for sure that everything depends on the woman. Ah, Vadim! Oh Vadim! Yes, he would have married any of the three of us long ago if they were a little smarter. It's just that I was the first to unravel his slack and was not afraid to go for broke.
Love. Sex. Sex business. To know the deep secrets of this Bermuda triangle, which attracts and repels at the same time, is offered to you by a Man and a Woman - a well-known psychotherapist, sexologist Igor Vagin and journalist Antonina Gluschay.
This book is brilliantly written in the talk show genre and will take you through the love and sexual experiences of several hundred people. Many revelations may seem shocking to you. But this is not shocking, but only the desire of the authors to call a spade a spade ... Detailed comments by a psychologist will explain the most unusual and ... help you deal with your most incredible thoughts and desires. You will be able to understand yourself, the behavior and desires of your partner, learn to build your life "on the personal front" the way you want!
Igor Vagin
Antonina Glushchay
THE BASIC INSTINCT
Psychology of intimate relationships
FOREWORD
You have in your hands a book that has no analogues in the domestic psychological literature on interpersonal relationships.
Secondly, because it analyzes in detail the most difficult moments of the relationship between a man and a woman, gives practical advice and ways to solve acute problems.
And finally, thirdly, because it was written by a woman and a man. And this means that the book is devoid of a one-sided approach to problems. You will be able to look in two mirrors at the same time, and each will tell you the truth.
Fortunately, there are two paths - difficult (complicated) and true (simple).
Which one do you choose? If the latter, then this book is for you. In it you will find something that two people will never tell each other. It is about intimate things that excite everyone, regardless of age.
Experience suggests that more often than not we control our feelings, but they control us. Love is irrational. And yet, the authors are sure and want to convince their readers that it is not necessary to go through a thorny path of disappointment and resentment in order to learn how to intelligently build personal relationships.
Many of the revelations in this book may seem too bold and sometimes shocking to readers. But the desire to call a spade a spade, to talk openly about the forbidden in this case is not outrageous, but only characteristic features of journalistic and psychotherapeutic approaches to serious problems. Everything secret must eventually become knowledge available to everyone. So say the authors of the book, journalist Antonina Glushchay and psychotherapist-sexologist Igor Vagin.
Perhaps this book will deprive you of destructive illusions and lay the foundation for rational action. It depends on each of you whether you will be able to maintain a balance between the dream and the ordinary.
Yes, love, like life, everyone has their own. Love has different faces, and everyone has their own truth about it. But perhaps Mikhail Zoshchenko managed to say the most important thing:
"When Lady Death really, as they say - without deceit, comes to your headboard and, saying" Aha! ", begins to take away your sweet and still precious life, we will probably most regret the one feeling will have to lose.
Among all the wondrous feelings and phenomena generously scattered by the hand of nature, it will be most pitiful for us to part with love.
And, speaking in the language of poetic comparisons, our soul taken out will beat, groan, ask for it back, humiliatingly saying that it has not yet seen everything that it would like to see.
But all this is nonsense, nonsense, empty excuses. She had already seen everything, everything she could.
But about love - special, bitterest tears will be shed about love ... "
PART 1
LAWS AND ILLEGALS OF LOVE
Chapter 1
ACQUAINTANCE. SYMPATHY. CONFIDENCE
You should act on people like a double shot of whiskey.
Roosevelt
Private life
From the first glance to the first word
Are you able to instantly arouse sympathy for yourself?
Yes, this is a gift that is given from birth to a few. Natural charm immediately disposes to itself. They say about a person endowed with it - pleasant in all respects. Lucky, minions of fate! And hundreds of ordinary people lose even when fate gives them a favorable chance. And all because of the inability to arouse sympathy.
Many joys and many troubles stem from the ability or inability of people to communicate with each other.
The problem of communication is the most important in the life of any person. "The greatest value in life is communication," said Antoine de Saint-Exupery.
Any contact is a process consisting of a whole set of psychological techniques. Those who have mastered the most effective methods of communication win. Knowing and using just four principles of communication can increase your chances of success.
Communication principles:
* benevolence;
* Attention;
* informative.
But these obvious truths we most often neglect. And it makes sense to avoid unnecessary trouble.
Knowing and using a few techniques for effective dating, liking and trust can dramatically change your life.
As practice shows, people who have achieved success - famous politicians, fashion designers, artists, businessmen - have mastered the methods of communication for a long time.
Any contact is a process consisting of a whole set of psychological techniques. Those who have mastered the most effective methods of communication win. First, let's look at what actively interferes with easy acquaintance, what repels people from us?
Prevent communication:
* uncertainty;
* introspection;
* Bad mood;
* excessive cleverness;
* constant assent;
* banal themes, banal reasoning.
Everything starts at a glance. Only a few seconds, but the result of communication largely depends on them. Contact is established by non-verbal means. A hard, piercing look repels, frightens. Happy eyes attract like a magnet. A friendly, confident, penetrating look always disposes to contact.
We do not see ourselves from the outside and sometimes we are surprised when a person looks away, looks away, without catching our gaze. But you can look at your photos and think: would we ourselves respond to such a view? Is he pleasant, does he show interest in the world, in the people who are nearby? In the end, you can train your eyes in front of a mirror - an exciting activity!
A sincere smile is always something secret. The secret attracts, disposes. You smiled at a man and he will smile back at you. A smile, a compliment at a meeting will locate the interlocutor faster than streams of eloquent words later.
How to overcome the fear of dating? Change the goal to the means.
Many people do not dare to even get close to the person they are interested in, let alone talk to him. And if they speak more than aspirations, then apart from awkwardness they will not experience any other feelings and then they will stigmatize themselves with various unliterary expressions.
How to arouse sympathy for the person you just saw? For example, at a press conference, at a party, finally, on the street or in a subway car.
Psychological reconfiguration will help you get rid of awkwardness. Change the goal to the means. Tell yourself this: I will not approach him for the purpose of acquaintance, but just to talk. You can even enter temporarily into the role of a well-known, self-confident person, and act as he would have done in a similar situation.
Do this training on your own.
Close your eyes and imagine your most bosom friend next to you, with whom it is always interesting and easy for you to communicate. With him you are completely free, natural. You can talk to him about any topic. Just looking at it instantly lifts your spirits. This is who your friend is!
And now try to relive all the emotions that fill you when communicating with him. Strengthen them with each inhalation and exhalation, make them brighter and richer.
Now imagine that the person you are about to meet is your friend. You have known him since childhood. You are ready to talk with him on any topic, you feel easy and comfortable with him.
Open your eyes and, without letting go of the emotions you have experienced, go up to any person and talk to him using this technique.
